05x04 - Young & Josh's Dad

[bunniefuu]

Hey. Yolanda, can you come downstairs

and help me with the
rest of the groceries?

You got two arms, bitch.

Oh... I'm sorry. I've been
on this diet for three days.

I'm a little hangry.

Great. So you'll help me?

You got two ears, bitch, I said no.

(quietly) Yolanda...

Yolanda, we have a situation.

Alan's leaving you for someone thinner?

- No.
- Smarter?

Taller?

Someone with a house?

- Someone with a neck?
- Stop!

It's about Josh.

While I was working on his computer,

an e-mail came in, from his father.

- What?
- I don't know what to do.

Josh doesn't wanna hear from
the man who got his mama pregnant

then ran off, and neither do I.

Read it out loud.

"Josh, I have a lot
of regrets in my life,

"none bigger than not
being a part of yours.

"I'm flying in for the weekend

and there's nothing I want
more than to meet my son."

Oh, hell no. That man missed his chance.

Delete that.

But it's his father,

and this might be the
one opportunity for us

to find out if Josh will
be hot when he's older.

Hey. What are you two whispering about?

(giggles nervously) Uh, hot older men.

Oh, that's easy. Sean
Connery. Number one.

Hypothetically, if Sean
Connery were your father,

how would you feel if he contacted you?

How would you think I'd feel?

(à la Sean Connery) Shaken, not stirred.

Now, hypothetically,

what if it wasn't Sean Connery

but your actual dad who wants to meet,

and he's flying in tonight

on hypothetical Delta Flight L.

Well, that's a very
specific hypothetical.

Hypothetically, I'd have
no interest in meeting him

because he never had any
interest in meeting me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hypothetically, you wouldn't
want to meet your dad if he was

reaching out to you
after all these years?

I don't wanna meet
the bastard who bolted

'cause he didn't have the
balls to raise his son.

So hypothetically, this
whole conversation's over.

Ooh.

Wow, I can't believe how upset he got.

Good thing this was hypothetical.

(theme music playing)

♪ She's in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turned my head ♪

♪ She'd run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she's bad like that ♪

♪ I like that ooh,
baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪

- ♪ I like that ooh, baby ooh, baby ♪

Hey, Yolanda, how's the diet going?

Quiet, bitch.

So you're stickin' to it.

I'm trying to get down to pounds

before my doctor's appointment.

When is it, ?

(laughing)

It's not funny, Elliot.

I just turned ,

which is the age my mom
passed and her mom passed.

I just wanna live long
enough to dance on your grave.

Yolanda, you're gonna be fine.

Back then, people didn't know
how to take care of themselves.

You know, they ate too
much, they drank too much,

they didn't work out.

Oh my damn! I gotta get to the gym.

- Elliot, can you spot me?
- From space.

Hey. I hope you're hungry.

I made you a papas fritas,

a meat-your-dad-loaf,

and for dessert,

a "father and son-day."

Gabi...

I know that was not a
hypothetical conversation.

Yolanda told me.

And I know you're upset about
it because if you weren't,

you wouldn't be staring
at your father's e-mail!

This is a spreadsheet.

Oh. Well, why aren't you staring at it?

I mean, why don't you wanna
meet him? He's your father!

- Look, this is none of your...
- Listen.

You can't miss this
opportunity, okay? Uh...

I would do anything to see my mom again.

Not to play the dead mom
card, that wouldn't be fair,

but my mom's dead and I
can never see her again!

Gabi, you wanna know why my
father's "reaching out" now?

It's because my profile in
Forbes just came out.

He's obviously after my money.

Ugh! God, why are you being so negative?

I mean, maybe he just wants a kidney.

Come on. Aren't you even
a little bit curious?

I was curious when I was .

I looked him up, found out
his name was Matt Danon.

I even wrote him a letter, and
guess what? He never responded.

Okay. That doesn't mean
anything, all right.

When I was , I sent a letter
to Joey from Friends

and I never heard back, not
even a simple "How you doin'?"

Look, Gabi, you don't understand.

Maybe he just never got the letter.

- Maybe the post office lost the letter.
- Gabi...

God, I bet that's why
Joey never wrote back.

Stop!

I just want you to be happy.

And I just want you to stay out of it.

Okay, if that's what you really want.

- That's what I really want.
- Fine.

I can't believe we're doing this.

I mean, how lucky are we
that Josh knows Matt Damon,

and he sent you to the
airport to pick him up!

Uh-huh, so lucky.

Um, Sofia...

Oh, we almost forgot our
super cute chauffeur hats.

Thank you so much for bringing me.

I wonder if Matt Damon's
happy with his wife.

You gotta admit, Sofia Maria
Consuela Rafaella Rodriguez Damon,

- does have a nice ring to it.
- Uh-huh.

Are you kidding me?

You spelled Matt Damon wrong.

Did I?

Yes. Damon has an "M" in the middle.

But Danon has an "N" in the middle.

You know, like Matt Danon, Josh's Dad.

What?

You know, Matt Damon is so over.

You remember that Martian movie? I
mean, he's up there for a whole year

and doesn't see one Martian!

Gabi, are we here to pick
up Matt Damon or Matt Danon?

- Do you really not know?
- Oh my God!

- Gabi, you lied to me.
- Oh, so you do know.

What is wrong with you? Josh
specifically told you to stay out of it.

Yeah, I know, which is why
I told you it was Matt Damon,

so you would come with
me and talk me out of it.

Now? You're telling me this now?

- His dad's gonna be here any minute.
- Yeah, I know. Talk fast!

Gabi, this is so wrong, I mean,
so wrong! What if Josh is right?

What if his dad is only here
because he wants his money?

Yeah, which is why I'm going
to drive him to the hotel,

and get to know him and make sure
he is here for all the right reasons.

And what if he's not? Then Josh is
gonna more hurt than he was before.

Oh my God, Sofia, you're so right.

Why didn't you talk me out of this
earlier? We gotta get out of here!

- I'm Matt Danon.
- Too late.

- Hey, uh, M-Mr. Kaminski sent us.
- Oh, how nice.

Yeah, I'm, uh, Gabi, I'm
the head driver and...

this is Sofia, she's my
trainee. She'll take your bags.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

- How are you feeling?
- A little disappointed.

These hospital nachos
just ain't cutting it.

She's talkin' to me, fool.

You're only here for emotional support.

You chose me for that?

Wow, you really are
all alone in the world.

Okay, Yolanda. You're done.

(gasps) I knew it!

I'm a goner!

I'm comin', Mama!

No, done with the test.

Actually, you did really well.

Oh! Hold on, Mama.

Your vitals are great,

good blood pressure, heart rate.

In fact, you are in tip-top shape.

I think you mean muffin-top shape.

Honestly, she is in very good health.

You, on the other hand.

Do you normally sweat like that
just from sitting and eating?

Do you normally have the
heat cranked up to ?

Thanks for letting me sit up front.

- I get car sick.
- Ugh! So does Josh...

er, Mr. Kaminski, I mean.

So, uh, what brings you to town?

Well, I'm actually here to...

Reconnect with your long-lost son?

You know, I drive Mr. Kaminski
around a lot. We've gotten close.

You can kiss that good-bye.

So, uh, (clears throat) Mr. Danon,

if-if I may ask, why did you
never contact Mr. Kaminski,

even after he wrote to you?
Was it because you were...

young and scared and
didn't know what to say?

- Actually I...
- You thought, you know,

you just missed so much
of his life already that

contacting him now, it
did more harm than good?

But now that you're older
and wiser, you realize

nothing is more important than
meeting your son, not for money.

Subtle.

Believe me, I'm very successful.

This is not about money.

Oh, I knew you were here
for the right reasons.

(phone rings)

Oh, 'scuse me, I have to take this.

Hello?

Hey, Gaby, it's Josh.

Hey!

Listen, I thought about what you
said about my dad, and you're right.

Yeah, I was.

In fact, you won't believe
who I'm with right now.

Uh, you won't believe
who I'm with right now.

Thanks to you I'm sitting
right next to my dad.

What?

Yeah his flight got in
early, I met him at his hotel,

and we're in his room right now.

What?

Okay, I gotta go.

Okay, bye!

(mutters) Possibly forever.

Okay, Gabi.

You picked up a man at the airport who

said he was Josh's dad, who
turned out not to be Josh's dad.

There's gotta be a simple explanation.

Oh I know... he wants
to put me in a hole

and make me rub lotion on my body
or else I get the hose again!

All right, calm down.

All I have to do is slow down,

jump out and roll to safety.

Oh damn it! I can't leave Sofia.

Though, really, what does
she have to live for?

No boyfriend, dead-end job...

Everything okay, Gabi?

Everything's great.

GABI (thinking): You
freakin' psychopath!

Oh, hell. I can't leave Sofia.

She's the smart one. She'll
know how to get us out of this.

Sofia!

Sofia!

What is she, deaf?

Sofia, is my purse back there?

Uh...

(muttering) This guy isn't Josh's dad.

- What's that?
- This guy isn't Josh's dad.

- (horn honking)
- Oh God, Gabi, watch the road!

Are you trying to k*ll us?

GABI (thinking): I'm not, he is!

Sofia, I have to get
something out of my bag.

- Could you hand it to me please?
- Yeah.

GABI (thinking): Oh God, oh
God, oh God! What's in there?

A g*n? A Kn*fe?

A g*n that sh**t knives?

- No!
- Gabi!

He's got a... gum!

- Would you like a piece?
- Oh, no, no thank you.

Clearly, I hate gum.

- I'll take some.
- No, she won't!

GABI (thinking): Yeah! That's right.

Gotta wake up pretty
early in the mornin'

to roofie Gabi Diamond.

I can't believe we went to
my physical, and found out

you're the one who can die early.

She didn't say die.

She said, get my affairs in order.

Yolanda,

your plan worked like a charm.

I told Gabi I was with my dad today,

and she hasn't bugged
me once all day long.

What would I do without you?

(laughs) Don't worry, turns out,

that I'm gonna be here a long time.

But you might want to say
your goodbyes to Elliot.

All right, hey guys, if, uh,

Gabi gets back, tell her me
and my "dad" went on a jog.

Uh, what do you think of my new gear?

- Cool or douchey?
- Not douchey.

(beeping sound)

- What was that?
- Oh...

It's this stupid health monitor
my doctor's making me wear.

It beeps whenever my heart
rate or blood pressure go up.

Is it anything serious?

No, the doctor said I just
have to lose about five pounds.

- (monitor beeps)
- Ten.

- (monitor beeps)
- Fine! Thirty pounds!

Oh my damn, that thing beeps
every time you tell a lie!

It does? I can't wear this.

I love lying.

My name's not even Elliot.

It's Jung-yi!

I'll take it.

I can monitor my heart rate on my jog.

Okay, I'm just gonna get
busy waxing these floors.

Good thing I'm not wearing that watch.

Okay, here we are at a gas station.

Wow, look, it's so crowded.

So many witnesses.

Uh, Sofia, let's go pee.

I don't have to go.

GABI (thinking): Damn Sofia
and her stupid giant bladder.

Uh, Matt, would you
mind pumping the gas?

- You want me to pump it?
- Yeah, or is chivalry dead?

That's not Josh's dad!

- What?
- I've been trying to signal you

for half an hour. He's a fake! A fraud!

What are you talking about?

He walked right up to us when
he saw your sign at the airport.

Yeah, what do you think a fraud does?

Anybody could claim to be Matt!

I mean, you didn't even ID him!
You're the worst trainee ever!

But he answered all those
questions about Josh.

Who did most of the talking? Me!

He just went along
with everything I said.

- I don't think that proves anything.
- Really?

How about the fact that Josh
just called me from his hotel

where he's sitting with his real dad?

What? Why didn't you lead with that?

We're driving around with a psychopath.

- (knocking)
- (both scream)

Oh, my God.

- What do I do? What do I do?
- Floor it! Floor it!

- Oh, my God! (screams)
- Oh, my God!

- I think I hit him.
- Uh...

no, it was just his foot,
you're fine! Go, go, go, go!

(both screaming)

Oh, my God, I can't look.

- How bad is it?
- Oh, it's bad.

- Josh's whole muffler fell off.
- (gasps)

(sighs) Um, what am I gonna tell Josh?

Okay, I know, um...

(laughing) It was so crazy, Josh.

I was... I was down in the
garage getting something,

and I noticed a... a tiny little
mark on your Range Rover, and so...

you know, I rubbed it to see
if it was a scratch and then,

you know, this just came off.

(nervous laughter)

Hey, what are you doing here so late?

Uh, not important.

What is important, is that

I am so happy that you
finally met your dad because

now you understand that
having a family is...

is so much more important
than having, you know,

e-expensive cars, or
expensive stuff, like...

expensive cars.

Gabi...

- You are so right.
- Mm.

Meeting my dad was, oh, amazing!

(monitor beeps)

- Wh-what's that?
- Nothing.

(monitor beeps)

- Are you okay?
- Yeah,

why wouldn't I be okay? Had
a great afternoon with my dad.

- We went for a jog.
- (monitor beeps)

- Out for lunch. The aquarium?
- (monitor beeps then beeps again)

Damn it!

Gabi, there's something
I need to tell you.

(click lips) Remember when I told
you I was with my dad this afternoon?

Yeah.

I wasn't.

See, the thing is I never met him,

and I made the whole thing up.

What?

I just told you that so I
could get you off my back.

I didn't want to meet him and
I knew you wouldn't let up.

What?

And, I didn't even have to do that
because, I mean, look at you...

you totally stayed out of
it and respected my feelings.

Mm-hmm, yup, that's what I did.

Um... so... hypothetically if
somebody, uh, went to the airport

with a sign that said "Matt Danon,"

and then somebody came up to them
and said, "Hi, I'm Matt Danon,"

odds are pretty good it was in fact

your father, Matt Danon.

Gabi...

what did you do?

Really or hypothetically?

I told you to stay out of this!

Yeah, I know, but if you would
have called me with your fake father

story before I got to the airport,
none of this would have happened.

So this is my fault
you went to the airport?

- And ran him over with your car.
- What?

Listen, when you called me and
said you were with your real dad,

I thought the guy I
was with was a m*rder*r,

and me and Sofia were going to die,

but it turns out it was your real
dad, and me and Sofia didn't die,

and... and neither did
he because the hospital

- said he's going to be totally fine.
- The hospital?!

Yeah, it's okay, all right?

- It was just his feet.
- Stop!

Stop! Stop talking!

(sighs exasperatedly)

I told you to stay out of
this, and what did you do?

- I didn't stay out of it.
- No, you didn't stay out of it.

You know why? B...
bec... 'cause you're sick.

Josh, I know, I know.
I just thought it was

- really important that you...
- See, see? There it is!

This is it this is the sickness!

You know, it doesn't matter
what you think I should do.

How about what I think?

You have no respect for what
I think, or for my feel...

Why is there a piece of my
Range Rover on the floor?

I think you already know.

(sighs) You know what, Gabi, just leave.

Okay, all right, that's...

that's what I'll do.

I'm doing it.

I'm doing it.

- But I just...
- Get out!

I did it!

Mr. Danon, you have a visitor.

I do?

If it's that crazy chauffeur girl...

Josh.

Don't say anything.

Just listen.

I only came down here to explain to you

that my chef took my car
without my permission,

and she picked you up from the
airport without my knowledge.

I am extremely sorry that she
inadvertently ran you over...

twice...

and I will pay for your
hospital stay, but that's it.

If you think you're getting another dime

out of her or me, you
have another thing coming,

because though I am rich,

I'm really, really rich,

I have a team of lawyers that will
keep you tied up in court for years.

So when you get discharged,

just pack up your stuff and leave,

like you did when I was born,

'cause I don't wanna see you.

I don't wanna talk to you.

I don't want to hear from you,

ever.

- Wanna know why I never wrote you back?
- I do, I really, really do.

And he said he wanted to
write me back, but he just

couldn't find the right
words to say and then,

months went by and then
years went by, and he...

felt like too much time passed.

(chuckles ruefully)

You know, he still said he
has my letter in his desk.

Aww...

So, uh... (coughs)

I actually I did the right thing by...

being interested in how you feel and...

what you're thinking.

Yes, thank you for
respecting my feelings.

Oh well, that's just... it's who I am.

I mean, the truth is, I have no idea
where me and my dad go from here,

but I can honestly say that...

I'm glad I met him.

And... (sighs)

I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier.

So, uh, your dad's not...

mad about me running him over?

Oh... (chuckles)

- No, he got over it.
- (monitor beeps)

And, uh, you're not mad I destroyed
your super nice expensive car?

Nope, I'm over it.

- (monitor beeps)
- Okay.

Again with that beeping. What is that?

It's a health monitor and it
seems to beep every time you lie.

Ha, no way!

- Wait. So you really are mad about...
- Gabi!

There is no one in my life that
could've pushed me to do this.

Thank you.

Oh, well, I knew you'd
wanna meet your dad.

(sighs)

So we had a little fight...

and a little make-up.

How about a little make-up punch, huh?

No, no, no, Josh.

You know the rules, okay?
We can't have punch card sex

if one of us is having...

feelings, and clearly you're
having some feelings...

- No I'm not!
- (monitor beeps)

- I'm not! I'm gonna go.
- (monitor beeps)

Yolanda, you know I have to diet.

Why did you order an extra large pizza?

You're right.

I should've got an order of wings too.

(knock on door)

(sighs) As if watching you
eat wasn't t*rture enough,

that's the personal trainer my
doctor's making me work out with.

Aw, how about I do a few reps with you.

One. (grunts)

Two.

Hey!

I'm the new trainer, Justin.

I'm looking for Elliot.

BOTH: I'm Elliot!

Uh-uh-uh. Back off, bitch.
Now it's my turn to be hangry.

Come on, Justin. Oh, oh yes.

Damn!

Why do I gotta be so healthy?

- (screams)