05x09 - Young & Hold

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe I'm about to deliver
"Gabi's Box" to my first paying customer.

Sound like a hooker.

What if not enough people want
a romantic dinner in a box,

and my new business is a flop?

Plenty of people will want it.

Look, people are suckers for romance.

But what if they're not?
I mean, what if more people are like us,

and they have sex-only
punch card relationships

without the romance or the
emotions or the feelings?

Stop worrying. People are not
as evolved as you and I.

That's true.

Oh, sh**t, did I remember
the mini-champagne?

- Yes.
- And the romantic playlist?

Yes. You packed the bubbly
and the Buble. You are good to go.

Okay. All right. I'm gonna knock,

and when Marissa answers, you snap
a photo of my first happy customer.

It's gonna look so good on my website,

which you're making,
by the way, thank you.

Hi, Marissa? I'm Gabi, from Gabi's Box,

and I'm here to deliver a romantic
dinner from your boyfriend Vinny!

(crying)

(theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turn my head ♪

♪ She run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪

♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

♪ Baby, I like that ooh, baby,
ooh, baby ♪

(blubbering)

...Vinny!

Oh my god, you poor thing.

Can you believe Vinny did that to her?

You understood that?

Uh, they went out for two years,

he ordered a romantic dinner for her,

and then he broke up with her
outta nowhere right before it got here.

How did you not get that?

I'm sorry, this is a bit of
an uncomfortable situation.

Yeah, I know, uh,
will you stay with her?

What? Me? No! Why?

'Cause I have four
more boxes to deliver.

So why don't you stay with her
and I'll deliver the boxes?

Uh, excuse me, who is the face
of Gabi's box? Gabi.

People see Gabi's face,
and they want Gabi's Box.

I gotta go, you gotta stay.

I'm not staying with her.

(crying loudly)

Josh, look at her, she's not stable.

I mean, what if
she does something crazy?

Like what?

Like... give me a bad Yelp review.

Goodbye.

Come on, Elliot.

You need to lie down.

Oh, Alan. You take such good care of me.

Oooh, have you been working out?

The dr*gs they give you

when they take out your wisdom teeth

must be good.

You lie down on the couch.

I'm gonna go get my camera phone.

- (tapping sound)
- What's that sound?

Who's there?

(tapping sound)

Uh-oh.

- Aaaaah!
- (chirping)

What's wrong?

There's a squirrel in the wall!

We're in the penthouse in a glass tower.
There's no squirrel.

Yes, there is. Look in the hole!

Oh my... Damn!

Elliot, you can't go
makin' a hole in the wall

every time you
hallucinate on hard dr*gs!

If I did that, my apartment
would look like Swiss cheese.

Oh my god... you know how we look at really
successful people, and they're like smart,

and rich, and happy, and we hate them?

Well, start hatin' me.

My life sucks.

You know,
my first delivery was a little rough,

because my first customer
burst into tears,

but I made Josh stay with her, and
the rest of the deliveries went great,

so let's just say,
everything's comin' up Gabi.

I've never been this miserable.

I'm making money,
I have a successful business...

(phone dings) Oh... Josh is comin' over.
And we all know why. Sex.

How happy... are you... for me?

I hate everything.

Wh... What... What is this?
What's going on? You seem... down.

Well... Logan asked me to write
my very first article for Click'd

and I have nothing to write about.

- Oh, come on, there's gotta be somethin'.
- No. There isn't, Gabi.

Okay, because she wants it to be
about something dramatic and exciting,

and I go to work, I come home,

I play online Yahtzee, and I go to bed.

Where is the drama and
excitement in that?

(knocking on door)

I'm really sorry,
but can we talk about this later,

because Josh is here, and
we're gonna have like a bunch of s...

Yeah, sex, I know, I get it,
you're having sex.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Sorry it took me so long,
I was a Marissa's for hours.

Oh... yeah, sorry I stuck you with her.

That's okay. First minutes
all I did was hand her tissue

after tissue. You know, what you
did for me when... Han Solo d*ed.

But then she wanted to enjoy
your dinner, which was delicious,

by the way. And we started
talking about relationships

and feelings, and we kinda hit it off.

What?

Remember how we said if we met somebody,

we would each tell each other...
and we'd put the punch card on hold?

Yes, the "Tell and Hold."

The "Tell... and Hold."

Okay. So... I think
this might be the "tell" part.

Because she asked me out
for tomorrow night, and I...

think I kinda might've said yes.

Oh?

And I... I wasn't even sure
I was really gonna tell you.

Well... why... why wouldn't you tell me?

I mean... what do you think
"tell" means in "Tell and Hold"?

You can't have a "Tell and Hold" without
the "tell" part... would you like some wine?

Thank you, I'd love some.

Well, I just figured...
what if the date doesn't go well?

I wouldn't have to tell you
because there'd be no hold.

But then I thought,
what if it did go well?

The right thing to do
would be for me to tell you,

so this is me telling you.

Gabi, we might be on a hold.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Yeah, this is great. I mean,
this is why the "Tell and Hold" exists.

So you're okay with this?
I'm not even sure I was.

Wha...? Please, why wouldn't I
be okay with a "Tell and Hold"?

I mean, it's called the "Tell and Hold,"

I invented the "Tell and Hold"!

I toast you.

Okay. Uh...

Maybe I should go?

What if I... tell you to leave,
while I hold open the door?

That's a little...
that's a little "Tell and Hold" humor.

(both laugh)

Wow. Uh... you're amazing.

Thank you for understanding.

Mm-hm.

Good night.

Mm-hm.

Gabi... I'm so sorry
to make this about myself,

but I finally found an article
that is dramatic and exciting.

A modern day romance gone awry.

Awry?

What's... what's awry? Nothing's awry.

Oh my god, Gabi, this is k*lling you.

Okay, the ironic thing is, if you
hadn't told him to stay with that girl,

none of this would've happened.

(laughs)

Is "devastated"
spelled with an "E" or an "A"?

Devastated? Oh my god.
Are you so desperate

for a story that you're just gonna...

pretend that I'm upset?

No, I mean, I... I... love that
Josh is going out with another girl.

You know? I'm... I am fine with it.

Hi. Are you Marissa's boyfriend?

I... was.

You need to get back together with her.

Thank you so much
for asking us in, Vinny.

I didn't.

Who are you again?

Oh, uh, I'm... I'm Gabi from Gabi's Box.

Thanks for your... order, by the way,
make sure you like us

on Facebook, so why the hell
did you break up with Marissa?

I mean, she loves you so much,
and she thought that you loved her.

Hey, I do love her.

I love her more than any
woman I've ever known.

It's just...
I have to marry somebody else.

Oh my god,
did you get somebody else pregnant?

This is good. This is good stuff, Vinny.

N... No! No. My parents have
set up an arranged marriage.

My future wife Raya,
she's flying in from Mumbai,

and we're all getting
dinner tomorrow night.

An arranged marriage?
Oh my god, Gabi, I've found my hook.

So, you're gonna marry someone
you've never met when you're in love

with somebody else?
I mean, you need to get back

with your someone else.

I have a question... why do you care?

Because if you love Marissa,
you need to be with her.

The people that belong
together need to be together!

Look, my parents scare me.
They don't even know that I smoke pot.

You're not gonna tell them, are you?

No, but you might wanna hide this bong.

Hey... Vinny...
I wonder what would happen

if you told your parents
that you love Marissa?

It's cool that I'm having
this pizza, right?

It doesn't matter who I love.

What matters is who they love,
and they love Raya.

Well, how do you know
they're gonna love Raya?

I mean, they haven't even met Raya.

Oh... they're gonna love her.
She is a virgin vegetarian

chemical engineer,
it's the Indian trifecta.

Indian trifecta! That's good stuff.

Vinny...

what if the Raya they meet
is actually... none of those things?

What if she's a...
What if she's a sex-loving, meat-eating,

not-a-chance-in-hell-
of-being a chemical engineer?

Ohhh... I see what you're doing.

You're gonna get some girl to
pretend to be a horrible version

of Raya, so that his parents...

It's me, isn't it?

Thank you so much for getting all the
snacks ready for my date with Marissa.

Did you hear that?
"Date... with Marissa."

Date... with someone who's not Gabi.

When's the last time
you heard me say that?

About three minutes ago.

Look... that's because I'm excited!

You know, technically,
Gabi and I aren't even dating,

we're just having sex, which,
don't get me wrong, it's nice.

It's nice.

But I'm a man.

I want relationships,
I want feelings, I want emotions!

I miss 'em.

And I'm the gay one? (laughs)

Ow, ow, ow... oh.

So, you talked to Gabi about this,
and you're sure

this is what you wanna be doing?

Of course this is what
I should be doing!

This is good!

This is what normal people do!

They go out! They date!

They pretend to be someone they're not!

Then they get more comfortable. Eventually,
they pee in front of each other, it's beautiful!

Gabi and I can't have a
relationship like that.

We tried, but we can't.

I'd love it, but we can't.
So will you get off my back?

(phone chimes)

That... is Marissa.
I'm gonna go and let her in.

You guys open the wine,
put on the terrace lights,

make everything look pretty,
and get out.

- (chirping)
- Aah!

(plate hitting floor)

Hurry, Yolanda!

(squirrel chirping) No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I got you!

You furry little bitch!

What the hell is goin' on in here?

The squirrel is real!

And it's right here under this bucket!

Ohh, is it, Elliot?

Or did you just take more of your meds?

I'm telling you, it's right here.

Well, let's see it, then.

You kick the bucket...
and I'll grab the squirrel.

Okay.

Naa!

What the...?

I'm telling you it was right here!

What's the matter with me?

Help me, Yolanda! (crying)

I think I might be losing my mind.

(crying)

(crying)

How about we get some frozen yogurt?

Gabi, are you sure Sofia's
gonna be able to pull this off?

If my parents find out that
she is not the real Raya...

- (knocking on door)
- That's them!

They are not gonna find out.
Okay, by the time this night ends,

you're gonna be done with Raya.

Up high-a!

Mom! Dad!

You look so handsome!

Who is this?

Oh... um, I'm Gabi,
I'm your personal chef for the evening.

Oh, you hired a personal chef?
That will impress Raya.

Good thinking, Navin.

Uh... Dad, please call me Vinny.

All my friends just call me Vinny.

Not us. Your name is meant
to appear on a Hindu temple,

not a pizza box.

(phone ringing)

Excuse me one second.

Where are you. So... Raya?

- Gabi, meet me in the hallway.
- No! Just knock on the door like we planned!

- Meet me in the hallway now!
- Fine!

(laughs) I'll be right back!

Have a samosa. And a mimosa. (laughs)

- Hey... what's going on?
- Gabi, I'm sorry...

No, no... don't be sorry. Be in a sari!

Look, I thought about it,
and I just can't do it.

Dressing up like an Indian girl, faking an
Indian accent. It's wrong and it's offensive.

It was for your article!

And you already have a
really great title, I mean,

"My... My... My Big Fat
Arranged Indian Wedding"?

Come on, that story's totally
gonna make the front page.

Of what? r*cist Monthly?

Okay... I need you to be bad Raya.

Why? Because you still
have feelings for Josh?

No, I... For the gazillionth time,
my feelings for Josh are none, okay?

We tried to have a relationship,
but we can't!

All right? Wish we could,
but we can't, so get off my back!

Is everything okay out here?

Oh... she's pretty.

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Jain,
I'm really sorry, but...

Yes, uh, Raya here
is a very skittish bride-to-be.

- What?
- You are nervous to meet us.

Yeah, yeah, girl left her
bindi dot in the Uber. (laughs)

'Nuff said.

- Okay, who wants Vindaloo?
- No no no no no no no...

I can't believe we were gonna
watch The Fault in our Stars.

Straight guys aren't
usually into chick flicks.

You are straight, right?

Hetero and sexual.

I was just in the mood for
some feelings and emotions.

You know,
which stars are we talking about?

Whose fault is it?
These are questions I need answers to!

I'm sorry, again, for talking so much
about Vinny on the way over here.

Look, it's only natural.

Your relationship just ended yesterday.

Well, I won't bring him up again,
I promise.

It's just it was so dumb of me
to stay with him for so long!

You know, I knew his parents
wanted an arranged marriage,

so the relationship was just
supposed to be about sex,

but then the sex turned into feelings,

and feelings turned into a relationship,
and now I'm devastated,

and they better have frickin' Skittles!

I... I get it.

Look, I was in a sex-only thing once
that never... turned into feelings.

Really? How did it not?

It just didn't, okay?

(phone ringing)

I'm sorry,
it's a business call from China.

Uh, here, take my wallet.

Wei, nin hao.

Do you have a punch card?

Uh... look at that. He does.

No... no no no no no,
what the hell are you doing?

No, you can't punch this card!

Oh my god, all the punches are gone.

Uh, isn't that a good thing?
Your next yogurt's free.

No! There's no more punches left, and when
the punch card's over, that means we're over,

and I don't want us to be over,
I love her!

Oh my god.

I love her.

I love her!

I gotta go.

Just so you know, we're out of Skittles.

What do I have to do to make
you believe me I am not Raya?

We were in your position once.
We tried everything we could

to convince our parents
we were a bad match.

Look, I'm not Raya!
I... I'm not even Indian,

I'm Dominican! My name's Sofia!

She told my parents her name was Becky.

(laughs) And... And...
I insisted I was Canadian.

How 'bout them Maple Leafs? Ehh?

(laughing)

This is ridiculous. Okay, look,
you want proof that I'm not Raya?

Here, here's my birth control.
Says my name on it, Sofia Rodriguez.

And why do I have it?
Because I'm having sex.

Not currently,
but enough to get a prescription.

Navin, what's going on?

Gabi, what's goin' on?

What's going on is your son
doesn't wanna marry Raya!

He's in love with a girl named Marissa!

Who's Marissa?

Well, it's Vinny's soulmate.

Listen, he never set out
to disrespect you.

He told me when he first
started seeing Marissa,

that he made it very clear to her that
they could never have a relationship.

It was purely sex.

Oh... god! Oh god.

Uh, but then... I mean,
something unexpected happened.

I mean, she tried to pretend that it
was just about sex, but it wasn't.

She had... She had feelings for him.
I think she always did.

But she was afraid to tell him,
because every time they told each other

that they had feelings,

it would just ruin everything, but she... she
does have feelings for him, she does, I mean...

I... I think she loves him!

Oh my god. Sofia... is she me?
Am I in love with Josh?

Oh my god, yes!

Oh my god! I'm in love with Josh!

I gotta go.

Okay, I don't wanna make
this awkward or anything,

but can you three smoosh, 'cause I
need a picture for my article. (laughs)

And now you're doin' my job?

How high are you?

I can't believe I actually thought
there was a squirrel in here.

Oh... well, let's go home.
And give me those damn pills

so I can get rid of
them once and for all.

Hey.

- You're home.
- Gabi, what are you doin' here?

I needed to talk to you.

I needed to talk to you, too. I went
to your place, and you weren't there.

Oh, yeah, that's because I'm here.

Um, I thought you were on a date.

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

- Gabi...
- Listen, um...

Can I go first? Because if I
don't say what I need to say,

I might not say it.

Okay, but... if I don't say what I
need to say... I might not say it.

Okay, but... but...
what if what you need to say

makes me not wanna say what I need
to say, and then I might not say it,

and I really need to say it,
and now I need to sit.

Look, if you're not gonna
say what you need to say,

I'm just gonna say what I need to say.

- Josh?
- Gabi?

Both: Fine, you go.

No, you go.

- Josh?
- Gabi?

Stop!

I know this is crazy,
and I know the punch card was supposed

to keep us from having
feelings for each other

- because we're horrible together.
- Okay.

But then you met Marissa,
and you put us on a hold,

and I thought I was fine with that,
but really I wasn't.

- Okay.
- And so I tried to break up

Vinny's arranged marriage

by making Sofia pretend she was Indian,
which was really culturally insensitive,

- but I only did it because...
- Because what?

Because... I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Your turn.

Gabi... the reason I was racing
all over town trying to find you...

- is because...
- (squirrel chirping)

Both: Aagaahh!

Ahh...

Relax, Gabi... the doctor said
Josh was going to be okay.

Turns out it's just a concussion.

Okay, ladies... we're gonna keep
him overnight for observation,

and I'm gonna recommend
some pain medication.

Oh, great! I'll pick it up.

Good luck.

You can see him now.

- Hey.
- Oooh...

Ooh.

What happened?

Well, uh... you hit your head.

When you saw the squirrel,
you jumped up, and you screamed,

in a super manly not-afraid-
of-a-harmless-creature kind of way.

You okay?

Yeah, I think so.

Good, good.

Listen, Josh,

I know this could probably wait,

but um...

I kinda said something really big
right before the squirrel happened,

and, um...

it was kinda really hard for me to say,

and I think I know
what you were gonna...

say, but I'm... I'm not sure

that I know know
what you were gonna say,

so, um, could you...

kinda say it right now?

Could I ask you a question first?

Yeah, sure, anything.

Who are you?