05x11 - Young & Downtown Gabi

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe we're
riding in the elevator

as boyfriend and girlfriend
for the first time!

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

I can't believe we're in your
penthouse as boyfriend and girlfriend

for the first time!

I can't believe we just had sex in
your bed as boyfriend and girlfriend

for the first time!

And on the floor and on the dresser.

You know, I... I thought
punch card sex was amazing,

"I love you" sex? Off the charts.

Hey, uh... can you say
those three little words again?

Yeah. Off the charts.

No... Yeah. The other three words?

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

Hey, you know what I'm thinkin'?

- You're starving?
- Yes!

Oh my God, I can't believe I just
read your mind for the first time

as boyfriend, girlfriend!

Gabi...

You know what? I just
read you mind again,

and I'm gonna stop
with the first-time stuff.

Hey, so, um... do I make you
breakfast as your chef,

or as your girlfriend?

Won't the eggs taste the same?

I don't know, I mean,
it's kind of weird.

We're a couple, but I work for you.

I mean, what's to stop you
from comin' up behind me

when I'm workin' and grabbin' me?

Nothing!

That's the point. I mean,
it's kind of unprofessional.

(GASPS) Oh, hey, hey, wait a minute.

What about, when I'm wearing
my apron, I'm your chef,

and when I'm not, I'm your girlfriend?

But what will you be
when you're wearing nothing?

Late for work.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turn my head ♪

♪ She run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪

♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

♪ Baby, I like that
ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

Yolanda, we have to talk.

Alan and I spent
the entire weekend in bed,

plowing through Downton Abbey.

Is that where you put one leg
on the headboard...

No!

No, the TV show.

We're exactly like the people
in Downton Abbey.

They have upstairs people, like Josh,

and downstairs people, like us.

But when one of the downstairs
people, the chauffeur,

married an upstairs person,
he got all the power.

What are you saying?

The chauffeur is Gabi!
The chauffeur is Gabi!

She has all the power now.

Don't you see? She's "Downton Gabi."

That was clever.

Baby, even if Gabi has the power,

She's not gonna do nothin'
to me. She loves me.

Ooh, I see your problem.

Gabi's gonna get you fired.

That's what I'm afraid of!

I rue the day she started
working here, that little...

Milady!

Did you just come
from a Vogue photo sh**t?

Uh, okay, what's wrong with my outfit?

I think, the question is,

what's right with it?

And the answer is...

(SINGSONGY) everything!

Okay, Elliot, what's going on with you?

Are you on Ecstasy?

He's just been watchin'
too much TV, sister.

Sister? Since when
do you call me sister?

Oh... since you feel like family,
and family never fires each other.

What?

Ooh, gotta go.

I got laundry to not do.

Wait! You're not gonna tell Josh
I said that, are you?

- No, of course not.
- Oh. Well, I'm off to the laundry room.

To not drink. (LAUGHS)

Uh, you're not gonna tell Josh
I winked, right?

Sorry, sister. (STAMMERS) Milady.

Okay. What is going on around here?

(LAUGHS) That's a good one.

You're hilarious!

(LAUGHS)

Okay, something very strange is
going on with Elliot and Yolanda.

I think they're kind of freaking out

because you and I are together.

What? No. We've been together before.

Yeah, but it's different
this time. I mean,

we're in an actual relationship,
and since I'm sleeping here,

that makes them see me
as the lady of the house.

Gabi, that's ridiculous.

Elliot called me "Milady."

Okay, I'll talk to them.

No, don't talk to 'em, then they'll
just know that I told on 'em.

Actually, I have a better idea.

Why don't you just start
sleepin' over at my place?

Done.

We're such a good couple.

Couple of lovebugs, ha! I
immediately regret saying that.

Please still have sex with me.

Oh my God. Gabi, wow.

So, um, I know you're making
these biscuits for Josh,

you're gonna tell me
that I can't eat any,

but, uh, too late!

That's okay, I'm not mad.

You wanna know why? 'Cause Josh
and I are gonna eat these,

then we're gonna have sex,
then we're gonna fall asleep,

and then we're gonna have sex again,
then we're gonna fall asleep.

Guess what we're doing in the morning?

- Have sex again?
- Yeah!

And then, we're gonna go to this
new bakery, the Rolling Scone.

I'll order a raisin, but they'll
accidentally give me a blueberry,

and then Josh will switch with me
because he's so sweet, oh my God,

I am so happy, Sofia!

Who isn't?

Uh, Gabi, quick question.

Um, is Josh sleeping here gonna be like

a every night thing now?

Oh, no, not every night, just
until, you know, Elliot and Yolanda

get used to me and Josh's new situation.

Okay, but what about my situation?

I mean, what if I want
to bring my boyfriend over?

Oh my God, you got a boyfriend?

I said "if."

Hey, Sofia! How you doin'?

Oh, yeah. Don't act like you don't
want me to leave. I'm leaving.

Who said I wanted you to leave?

Thank God she's gone.

- Hey, girlfriend.
- Hey, boyfriend.

Hey, uh, I brought something
special for my first night here.

What is it?

Shwah!

Oh my God, that's so cute.

It'll be the first time
you brush your teeth here.

Yeah. Right after
the first time I shower here.

Hope you don't mind.

The showers at the Crossfit Gym
are... kinda gross.

GABI: Oh, hey, Josh, if we're out of
TP, I've got some coffee filters.

Uh, that's... that's uh,
good, that's okay.

There's... already some in here.

(EXHALES)

It's okay.

(INHALES, EXHALES) It's okay.

She's got a lot of
really good qualities.

I'm just gonna...
gonna take a quick shower.

Everything's gonna be fine,
it's gonna be fine.

GABI: Oh, and Josh,
when you turn on the shower,

don't let the brown water freak you out.

Just be patient, it goes away.

That's great to know!

Okay, definitely not taking a shower.

Oh, thank God, a Wet-Nap.

Not a Wet-Nap. It's sticky,
it has hair on it!

Oh my God, it's a wax strip!

Oh... Okay, you know what?

I'm brushin' my teeth.

Brushin' my teeth. She's gotta
have toothpaste in here.

I'm not touching you.

(SCREAMING)

(WHIMPERING)

Did I tell you how happy I am to
be spending the night with you?

Aww!

Hey, that was a really quick shower.

Yeah, couldn't wait to get
the hell out of there.

To be with you.

Aww.

Hey, uh... you know what I was thinking?

That we should go to a hotel?

Uh, I was thinking...

that we should do it on the counter.

Oh. Uh, that is, uh... dirty.

Hell, yeah, it is.

- Yeah, right.
- Oh!

Hey!

(SQUEALS)

Where, uh... Where are we goin'?

Anywhere but the counter.

Oh... how about we do it in the shower?

How about we do it on the counter?

How can you not be hot?

- (BEDSPRING SNAPS)
- (GROANS)

(GROANS, WHIMPERS)

(WHISPERS) Oh, come on.

(g*nshots NEARBY)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(MUTTERING)

Hey, Gabi!

Okay, so... about last night...

No. Apron!

Remember, when I'm wearing
my apron, I'm only your chef,

so we can't talk about it.

Fine, we won't talk about it.

How can we not talk about it?

I mean, it was our first
full night together

at my apartment, and I
woke up in the morning

and you weren't there.

- Can I please explain?
- No, you don't have to explain.

I know what's going on, I... I mean, we
spent four nights together in Aspen,

and then we came back here, and we
spent another night at your place,

and you're feeling smothered.

No! No! No!

Gabi, I had... I had a business call.
At : a.m.

That's why I left early.

Oh, really? 'Cause I woke up at
four, and you weren't there.

Yes... because the call was in New York.

And... and they're three hours ahead.

They are?

Believe me, if I didn't
have that call, I

could've stayed in bed with you all day.

Aww...

- So are we good?
- Yes. We're very good.

- Okay. So I'll see you tonight?
- Here?

Oh. No, silly, my place.

Oh, but I have to warn you, I spent so

much time being angry this morning,

I didn't have time to clean up.

I'm sure I'll barely notice!

Hi, my name's Josh Kaminski.

I'm lookin' for a new
cleaning lady, ASAP.

A new cleanin' lady?

I told you!

No... No, I... Look,
I love the one I have.

But I'm just doin' this
for my girlfriend.

(GASPS) That bitch!

Don't you call my new boss names.

Yeah, I need to clean house.

I had no idea what a disaster
these two were.

- Two? That bitch.
- Mm!

Oh my God, Gabi! You're not
gonna believe what happened!

(GASPS) You met someone?

Haha, no!

Now close your eyes and get ready

for the greatest surprise ever!

Okay, open 'em.

Can you believe it!

Oh my God, what happened
to our apartment?

I don't know! I got home from
work, and there was a maid here,

and all these delivery people
that Josh sent!

And look, Gabi. A real bed,

with memory foam.

(WHISPERING) It's hugging me.

Wait. But... But what
was wrong with my old bed?

And look at this, Gabi... a new fridge!

And this one actually keeps
stuff cold, so on hot days,

we can open the door
and stick our faces in it,

except we don't have to,

because now we have
a brand-new air conditioner!

Wait. But... But why would
Josh do all of this?

Because he's a God, Gabi.

And wait! You haven't seen
the best part yet.

Behold, our brand-new...

bathroom.

Wow.

He put in a new shower?

And a new showerhead.

I named him Darius.

I don't believe this.

So?

Do you love it?

How dare you!

You changed everything in my apartment.

Who does that.

Josh does that.

Because he's magnificent.

Now if anyone needs me, I'll be
spending some quality time with Darius.

I mean, you didn't even ask me.

Why would I ask you? That's like asking

a homeless person if they want a home.

What does that mean?

I'll tell you what it means, it means

I think you think my stuff is crap.

Is that what you think, Josh?
Huh? Is it? Is it? Say it!

It's crap!

(GASPS) I can't believe

you just called my crappy stuff crap!

- You just called your stuff crap!
- I'm allowed to

because it's my crap,
and I love my crap!

I mean, I love my crappy bed.

It was impossible to sleep in!

No, it wasn't. That mattress was
perfectly molded to my body.

What isn't molded in this apartment?

That's the reason you left
in the middle of the night.

There was no business call in New York!

You snuck out of here
because you hated it here!

You hated every second of being here!

- Not every second.
- (GASPS)

Just most seconds!

Gabi, I'm a grown man,
and I like grown-man comforts.

Comforts that I purchased for you,

that any other woman would love.

SOFIA (SQUEALING): I love this!

So you did all this for me?

Yes.

Uh, you didn't do it for yourself,

'cause maybe things
weren't to your liking

and you're just a little bit spoiled?

What?

I'm Josh Kaminski,
I can only bathe in places

with zero black mold!

I can't sleep in a bed
if there's pizza in it!

I guess immaturity
comes with the apartment.

Well, I guess spoiled
goes in your apartment.

It's actually a penthouse.

- Spoiled guy says what?
- What?

Boom!

There's the maturity I've grown to love.

Uh-huh, okay, I'll just see ya later.
Have a nice bike ride home.

Oh, oh, one more thing... (SPUTTERS)

That's it? Those downstairs
people didn't do anything

when they got fired. They just took it.

Well, they're British.
They leave with dignity.

Well, I'm American, and I'm leavin'

with half the wine cellar.

You're right, girl.
Let's loot this bitch!

The beauty is, he's not even
gonna notice this stuff is gone.

Yeah! He'll never miss
all his old boxers!

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Josh!

Thank God you guys are here.

Gabi and I just got into a huge fight.

Because you stood up for us?

And finally stopped letting
that bitch walk all over you?

What are you guys talkin' about?

Yeah, Yolanda, quiet!

What happened, honey?

Well, first I got Gabi
this maid service,

and then I purchased some stuff
for her apartment, so...

Wait! Back up, back up.
You got Gabi a maid service?

Yeah, I can't ask you
to do it, you work here.

I do? I mean, like a damn dog I do.

And I still work here like a
cute little kitten, right?

Meow.

Of course you do.

- What is all this stuff?
- Uh, uh, um... As your employees,

and friends for life, we were
anticipating all the ups and downs

of a new relationship, and we decided
to restock your necessities.

Basically, what Downtown Flabby
is trying to say is,

we're here for you.

Thanks, guys.

We're not getting fired!

I know!

Now, I'm gonna go
put all this stuff away.

You go and see
if we can get the deposit back

on that U-Haul.

Do I want my ice cubed or crushed?

Cubed or crushed? (LAUGHS)

♪ I love my brand-new fridge ♪

Don't get too used to that
thing, it's goin' back.

It's all goin' back!

(SIGHS) Gabi, I hate
seeing you so upset.

You think maybe a caramel macchiato
with a foam heart and a cookie straw

might cheer you up?

No! Nothing Josh bought for this
apartment is gonna cheer me up!

Not even watching
Titanic with surround sound...

(ECHOING) sound, sound, sound.

You don't get it. Josh rejected all
my stuff, which means he rejected me!

Gabi, that is not at all what it means.

You're just taking his side because you

don't wanna give up
your heated towel rack.

No, what I'm say...
There's a heated towel rack?

It doesn't matter!

What matters is we're
obviously not compatible,

and it took being in a
relationship to figure that out!

Get real, Gabi, no one's compatible!

Well, then... why do other
relationships work?

Because of a little thing
called compromise.

Look at us. Right? I could
be so mad at you right now

because you're makin'
a big deal out of nothin'.

But I'm not mad, because I'm on my third

frozen margarita that our new
refrigerator blends automagically.

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Oh, who could that be?

Could it be the new maid
that Josh got us?

I finish all your laundry.

Oh... thank you, Mrs. Doubtfire.

See? She doesn't even care
that I call her that.

(SIGHS) I don't wanna talk
about this anymore.

I just wanna go to sleep and forget
this... Holy crap, this bed!

Right?

(SIGHS) Oh, it's so cozy and warm.

Yeah.

It's almost a little too warm.

Mm.

Boop!

(SIGHS)

How does that feel?

Like the cool, windy breeze
of compromise.

Hey, Josh...

Gabi, I was just about to call you.

Yeah, listen, before you say anything,

I just... I really wanna apologize

for all the horrible things
that I said to you.

But it was only because
I felt like my stuff

wasn't good enough for you, which
made me think neither was I,

and it just made me feel insecure.

What? How can you possibly think
you're not good enough for me?

Josh, look around! I mean,
you're rich and handsome,

and you live in this big,
beautiful, clean penthouse!

Gabi, if anyone is insecure
in this relationship, it's me.

I mean, look at you! You're beautiful
and sexy and so far out of my league.

You don't have to say things
just to make me feel better.

I'm serious. Yes, I'm
successful, and yes, I'm rich,

and over the years, I found a
very cool look for myself.

But underneath it all,
I'm just that skinny nerd

who asked a cheerleader
to prom and got laughed at.

Aww. I would've gone to prom with you.

Mmm. I bet you would've been a
lot less handsy than my cousin.

I'm sorry for calling you immature.

And I'm sorry for calling you spoiled.

No, actually, you know what?
I am spoiled.

And I'm glad you called me out on it.

Really?

I'm serious. Thank you
for being honest with me.

And I love that you work
for everything you have,

and you stick to your principles,

and even resent
that I just gave you stuff.

Yeah, I actu... I
might've overreacted...

Which is why...

I have them moving everything
I purchased out,

and all your old stuff back in.

They're what now?

Gabi, I don't wanna change you.

So they're removing everything.

I like the girl I fell in love with.

- Even the air conditioner?
- Gone!

And to prove how much you mean to me,

tonight, we're stayin' at your place.

So... they've already
taken everything out?

- As we speak.
- You know what?

We're already here. Let's just stay.

So in summary, even though
Gabi and you are together.

Nothing around here is changing?

Nothing's changing.

Ooh, I'll drink to that!

(LAUGHS) Later.

Quick query.

Elliot?

So... when you say
everything stays the same,

does that mean I can still say,

Gabi's outfit looks like
old lady wallpaper?

Absolutely.

Quick follow-up.

Does this also mean I can say,

her vacant mannequin face
haunts my dreams at night?

It's all right, Elliot.
You can say whatever you want.

Thank you, Gabi.

(CLEARS THROAT) You have the IQ of a
hammer, except hammers are useful.

You're the water that comes out
of the mustard bottle first.

You have the hands
of a seasoned rope-maker.

You're a blonde hurricane
of cheap perfume and stupid.

Okay! That's enough for today.

You're right.

I need to pace myself!

So... everyone happy?

- Yep.
- Yep.

Yep.

(CRYING) No...!

How come everything I love goes away?