05x19 - Young & Magic

[bunniefuu]

Get out, get out, get out. My abuelita
will be here any minute

Why do I have to wait to
meet your abuelita at dinner...

Why can't I stay and meet her now?

She's gona think you slept
here, and Sofia is not a virgin.

But I did sleep here and
Sofia is not a virgin

(GASPS) My abuelita
cannot know any of that.

Sofia, relax. Grandmas love me.

I'm respectful,
I listen to their stories,

and I flirt with them a little,
makes them feel alive.

You know what? I'll meet her tonight.

And whether you impress her or not,
you have more than impressed me.

Aw. Get out.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

God, please, let my abuelita love Nick.

Gabi, he's the first guy who gets me.

He's smart, he's successful, and, um,

I have had an "O" almost
every single time.

Almost every time? With me and Josh,

every time it's go time, it's "O" time.

Yeah, well, you don't have
an abuelita to worry about.

What if she doesn't like Nick, Gabi?

So?

She's my grandmother, Gabi.
I have to impress her.

You sound like you're . You're
now, who cares what she thinks?

You're an adult.

Am I?

Did you just have intercourse?

- Twice this morning.
- You're an adult!

You know what? You're right. So what?

If she doesn't like my
boyfriend, that is her problem.

I am an adult.

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Oh my God, it's her!

Abuelita, you're finally here!

Oh! And look at you!

All grown up, a beautiful young lady.

- Very impressive.
- Oh, she's the best.

You would think a grownup would know she

should pick up her elderly grandmother

from the airport.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought a
cab would just be easier.

Mm. You know what's not easy?

Avoiding getting mugged
while waiting for a cab.

Hola, Abuelita.

It's me, it's Gabi, it's Sofia's
friend from when we were kids,

but now we're adults.

Indeed you are. Look at what a gorgeous
young lady you've turned into.

- Thank you, Abuelita.
- So why would you want

to wear all that trampy makeup
and look like an old hooker?

- Let me tell you something, Abuelita.
- What?

I totally would've picked you up
from the airport.

Come on, Sofia, let's get her bags!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turn my head ♪

♪ She run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪

♪ I like that ooh baby, ooh baby, baby ♪

♪ I like that ooh baby, ooh baby ♪

(GASPS) Ooh! It's a letter
from my prison pen pal.

Big Tiny!

Is being forced to correspond
with you part of his punishment?

My church started a pen pal program,

so the prisoners can stay in
contact with the outside world.

And just because Big Tiny made

some bad decisions in his life,

doesn't mean he's a bad person.

You never said what he was in for?

- m*rder.
- What?

Oh, only second degree.

Nobody plans to k*ll their mama.

Look, he's a changed man.

Listen to this.

"Dearest Yolanda,
As I peer out through the bars

"and see the sunlight,
I dream of the day

I can soak in its warmth."

Oh, poor man.

He's never gonna feel
the warmth. (LAUGHS)

"Well, today that dream
becomes a reality.

I'm being released, and I hope
that we may finally meet..."

Oh my damn!

They're lettin' him out!

What the hell's wrong
with the prison system?

I thought you said he's a changed man?

Oh, grow up!

People don't change!

He's gonna come for me!

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- (BOTH SCREAM)

All right, you get it.

I'm not getting it, you get it.

Oh, hell no! Hide!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, sorry I rang the
bell so many times.

I couldn't find my keys.

Gabi... we need to talk.

Are you breaking up with me? It's fine.
It's cool. I can take it.

Why? Is it because I have trampy makeup

and I look like an old hooker?

I'm not breaking up with you, but
after I tell you this secret,

I'm afraid you're gonna
break up with me.

(GASPS) Are you sick? Are you married?

Do you have a child? (GASPS) You
don't like my grilled cheese?

Gabi...

I'm a magician.

What?

Yeah. I'm, uh... I'm
"The Great Ma'Josh'in."

That's your secret? You're into magic?

I've loved doin' it since I was a
kid, but all my ex-girlfriends

hated it so much, it's
actually ended relationships.

And the thing is, I'm hosting this
charity event here this weekend,

and they asked me to perform my
magic, and it's a really good cause,

and I wanna do it, and I just... I
felt like I really needed to tell you.

So, no kid?

Nope. Just the magic.

(SIGHS) Man, that is such a relief.

Why did you make
such an issue out of this?

So you're okay with it?

If this is what you love to do,
and it makes you happy,

then I support it a million percent.

Gabi, it's official.

You... have the key... to my heart.

Wait a minute. Did you
have these the whole time?

Did you take these out of my purse?

Gabi, you are the perfect girlfriend.

Aw.

Wanna go upstairs
and make some of our own magic?

- Sure.
- Yeah, right.

- (SNEEZES)
- Ooh. You need a hanky?

- Thank you.
- Oh. Oh.

Ma'Josh'in!

Whew. Well, that was a first.

Yeah. It was.

First time I got to use some
of my other magic in here.

What was your favorite part?

Oh, I have to pick just one?

I know, right? I tried a few new things.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

You did.

Well, tell me one.
You know, for next time.

Was it my... sleight of hand?

When I was about to
touch you in one place...

But then touching me

in the opposite place? Yeah. Huh.
Didn't see that comin'!

Or how about when I threw my voice?

Instead of yelling "Yes," I yelled...

"Shazam"? Yeah, I was like,

"Where the heck did
that shazam come from?"

- Gabi, I love you.
- Mm-hmm.

And now that I know that you
know everything about me,

and you still love me,

well, that just makes
our relationship even more...

Magical?

You took the word right out of my mouth!

And now,

I'm gonna take something out of yours.

Wow. I can't believe

your other girlfriends didn't like this.

Well, that dinner
went worse than expected.

Nick, what on Earth would make
you flirt with my abuelita?

I told you, that's my thing.
It works every time.

Well, she saw right through it.
You know what she called you?

A suck-up. Now she'll never trust you.

Think I should send her flowers?

Oh my God, you are a suck-up.

You know what? You're mean.

You take after her.

I'm not mean, and she's not either.

She is honest, and she's usually right,

which is why people want her approval.

- No, she's mean.
- I know.

Aah! Abuelita!

Well, my sex life is over.

Gabi, Abuelita hated Nick.

- I wanna go first.
- No, I wanna go first.

How about I go first?
Sofia, see you tomorrow.

- Okay, but you still love me, right?
- Yeah, I love you.

Get this! Josh is a magician!

- Oh my God.
- I know.

God, it was horrible. There was a cape.
There was a top hat.

He did magic tricks in bed.
Magic tricks in bed, Sofia.

Oh my God, did he make
something disappear?

Oh, just my sexual satisfaction.

I mean, I still love him and everything,

but for the first time ever
with Josh, I had to fake it.

- You faked your "O"?
- Oh, indeed I did.

Not that he noticed. He was too busy
trying to catch a dove he released.

God, I never should've told him
I was supportive of his magic.

What the hell am I gonna do about Nick?

Okay, how did we get back to your thing?

Magic?

Sofia, we already discussed this, okay?

You don't have to impress her.

You want Abuelita to like Nick, you
just have to stand up to her, okay?

You're a freakin' adult now.

Well, you're a freakin' adult, too,

and you can't even tell Josh
that you hate his magic.

(SIGHS) Man, it would just be so much

easier if you could
tell Josh my problem,

and I could tell Abuelita your problem.

- What?
- You're afraid to talk to Josh,

and I'm afraid to talk to Abuelita.

So, why don't we just switch?

Oh my God! That's genius!

If you can't handle somethin', you
just give it to someone else who can!

That's what an adult would do!

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Ooh!

(WHISPERS) Elliot!

I know, I know. If it's Big
Tiny, tell him you're dead.

Hi, I'm Big Tiny.
I'm here to see Yolanda.

Oh, she dead.

Oh!

Dead tired, from waitin' on you.

Damn, girl. Them pictures
you were sendin' me

did not do you justice.

Neither did yours. Boop, boop.

Well, you know,
I don't take a good mug sh*t.

But anyway, I... I know this is fast,
but I was locked up for a long time.

You wanna kick it with me tonight?

Oh... (GIGGLES) Well, I have
this charity event here tonight.

Um, but if you wanna come.

Oh, I'd love to. Are they gonna have

those cream cheese
and cucumber finger sandwiches?

Ooh, I love those.

You know, when I thought
I was gonna get the chair,

that was gonna be my final meal.

Oh! See you at seven?

- Seven it is.
- Seven.

Mm.

Yolanda? You're going
out with a m*rder*r?

You saw him.

I'll take my chances.

So he's going from prison
bitch to big ol' bitch?

- (KNOCKING)
- Hey, Josh.

Hey, Sofia. I think Gabi already went

home to get ready for the fundraiser.

Actually, I'm here to talk to you.

About your... performance.

Oh, yeah. The Great Ma'Josh'in.

Yes. So, Gabi told me about your magic

and how she said
she was totally
okay with it.

Isn't she the best?

I mean, it felt so good for me to
finally get that off my chest,

and the fact that she's
so supportive of me,

when all the other girls were so mean.

It makes me love her even more.

(SIGHS) I'm sorry.
What were you gonna tell me?

- Um...
- It doesn't matter.

Think of a card.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

Abuelita?

There's something I need to tell you.

What?

Aye, come on.
Cat got the old h**ker's tongue?

All right. That's it!

You are an evil old woman.

All right, that was from me.
This one's from Sofia.

She is sick and tired
of bending over backwards

to try and get your approval.
I mean, she finally found a guy

that she's crazy about,
and he's crazy about her...

Oh, you can turn away
from me all you want,

but it's not gonna stop me.

(SIGHS) Sofia and Nick really
care about each other,

and they have amazing sex, unlike me,

because I'm dating a
freakin' magician now!

But they are very happy together,
and if you can't accept that,

then that is just too freakin'
bad, because you know what?

We are adults.

Heh! Got nothin' to stay
to that, do you, Abuelita?

Abuelita?

Abuelita? (GASPS)

Oh my God, I k*lled her!

I knew being an adult was a bad idea!

Yes, thank you, just, um, just send
the ambulance as soon as you can.

Although I don't know why you need
to rush because she's already dead.

- Sofia.
- Hey, Gabi.

I have some bad news.

- Me too.
- You first.

Okay. Gabi, I really tried
to tell Josh how you feel,

I really did. But he seemed so
excited that you loved his magic.

I think telling him the truth
would've just k*lled him.

I understand. But, you know, if you
had told him, and it did k*ll him,

I would not have blamed you, at all.

Now, about Abuelita...

You couldn't tell her, either?

Well, I started to...

And then she freaked you
out with her death stare?

What the hell is wrong with us?

I couldn't tell Josh,
you couldn't tell Abuelita.

Well, you know what? Real adults
tackle their own problems.

I'm goin' in.

Okay, well, you know,
just remember, she was old.

Abuelita?

I'm an adult now, okay? And that
means that I do what I want,

I date who I want, and I
have sex with who I want.

Yeah, that's right.
I know my way around a penis.

Oh, you got nothing to say?
Well, I don't care.

I am actually done with caring
about what you think,

because you will never approve
of me or my choices.

So, you know what, you're dead to me.

Abuelita?

Abuelita?

(GASPS) Oh my God, Sofia, I
think you k*lled Abuelita!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

- Surprise!
- (SCREAMS) My God!

Oh my God! You're alive!

Of course I am alive.

And finally proud of you!

Do you know how long I've been waiting
for you to stand up for yourself?

- What?
- Every culture has a rite of passage,

when you go from child to adult.

The Jews have bar mitzvahs,
the Amish have Rumspringa,

and we... have screaming
at the abuelita.

Wait. So screaming at you,
what, makes me an adult?

It does. How are you ever going
to stand up for yourself

if you can't stand up
to your own abuelita?

Now you are ready to have a
healthy relationship with Nick.

Do you like him? I mean, I don't care.
I don't care.

Si, me gusta.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

I want a healthy relationship with Josh.

- What's the emergency?
- I gotta go tell my boyfriend I hate magic!

- Wait. Who called you?
- Gotta go!

Madame Yolanda,
how are you doin' in there?

I'm hot.

She's hot. Well, when someone's hot,

we give them... air.

Uh-oh!

(GASPING)

Looks like the Great Ma'Josh'in
made a great mistake-in.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Well, that's better.

If you ever wanna
make my clothes disappear...

(WHISPERS) you don't need magic.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

Get off the stage.

The Ma'Josh'in!

Hey, Big Tiny. Uh, my part is done.
You wanna sneak out of here?

Girl, how you think I got out of prison?

- Mm?
- I'm kiddin'. I'm kiddin'.

I went through the proper channels.

- Let's get out of here.
- Let's go.

Oh my God. Where's my watch?

- My tennis bracelet's missing!
- (AUDIENCE MURMURING)

What?

- You didn't.
- You're right. I didn't.

Come on. You knew there was gonna
be a bunch of rich people here.

What am I supposed to think? Obviously,
you're the one that took them.

- Hey, my watch is back!
- So's my bracelet!

The Ma'Josh'in!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Uh... Aah! Oh, but,
Tiny, wait, wait, wait!

I'm so sorry.

Yolanda, you're a beautiful woman,

and you deserve a beautiful man.

Which is me.

But, unfortunately,
we can't be together.

I can see you're never
gonna be able to trust me.

- Goodbye, Yolanda.
- (WHIMPERING) Oh! My damn!

Damn! Damn!

Wait, hold up a second.
Where's my watch?

All right, ladies and gentlemen, for my

next trick I need a volunteer... You!

Beautiful blonde girl
who I've never met.

- Uh, Josh, Josh...
- Oh, don't be shy, miss.

Come on, give her a big hand.

Josh, um, I don't wanna do this.

- Can I just watch?
- No, no, you are in the capable hands

of the Great Ma'Josh'in. Now if
you'll please step inside this hoop.

(WHISPERING) No, seriously,
I don't wanna do this.

(QUIETLY) Gabi, the guy in the front
row owns the Magic Hut downtown,

and if I'm good he'll let
me perform on Saturdays.

So?

So, if we're good together,
you can be my assistant.

- Now smile.
- Why would I smile? I'm not happy.

Guys, how many times have you
had to wait for your date

to choose the perfect outfit?

Well, wait... no more.

What the hell?

(AUDIENCE MURMURS)

Are you kidding me? Josh, this
has to stop. This isn't fun.

Well then, let's do it again,
because girls just wanna have fun.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

All right, that's it. I hate this.

I get it. Who wants to be a clown?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

No, I hate magic!

What?

Everything about it!
Your outfit, my outfit,

what you're saying,
the weird way you're saying it,

the coins coming out of my ears, the
flowers coming out of my mouth,

I hate it, I hate all of it!

The Ma'Josh'in!

- What?
- I'm sorry.

This is really not the way
I wanted to tell you,

but you kind of forced my hand.

I don't understand.
You said you liked magic.

- I don't.
- But you said you did.

I mean, why would you say
you did if you don't?

I was just trying to be supportive.

I was trying to be
the perfect girlfriend.

But then you started doing the magic,
and then you did the sleight of hand,

and then I had to... fake it.

Fake it? Fake liking magic?

No, I had to fake... it.

Gabi, I don't know what you're re...

Oh my! You had to fake it in there?

Sorry, it's never happened before.

That was the first time.

So what does this mean? Are you
not attracted to me anymore?

Oh, no, not, you. Ma'Josh'in.

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm not
your perfect girl anymore.

Yeah, you still are.

None of those other girls
even tried liking it.

Josh, I tried. I really did try.

And how about this? If you
still wanna do the magic,

you... you can, just, you know,
not here, or anywhere I am.

Deal.

So, um, you feel like giving me
a sh*t at an encore performance?

Hell, yeah. Wait. Wait. Of sex, right?

- Yes. Yes.
- Okay.

- (BIRD SINGING)
- Oh my God, there's my dove.

Come on. Gabi, come on!
We're gonna be late.

I know, I'm sorry, I couldn't
figure out the right outfit.

Oh. I can help with that.

Josh, I thought I made it very clear

that I didn't want you to do

this whole outfit
switcheroo thing, it...

Oh. This is actually cuter.

You can say it.

The Ma'Josh'in!