04x02 - And the Steal of Fortune

[bunniefuu]

(CHATTER ON P.A.)

What?

I'm not parked in two spots.

Oh...

come on, man.

What?

Lucky? Not today.

(SIGHS)

(GRUNTS)

(CLATTERS)

(SCREAMS)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Keys, keys.

(YELLS)

(GROANS)

Oh.

Uh, hello?

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

(SCREAMS)

You sure this is necessary?

That thing almost b*rned down
Yosemite National Forest.

Well, Jonas Salk had to test his
vaccine, we have to test our tools.

Jenkins, if you're making brekkie, I
will take some tomato and avocado.

(JENKINS CHUCKLES) Not an
ordinary toaster, Mr. Jones.

This is the Toaster of Albuquerque.

I think I'm going to be using it
as our new artifact tester.

What happened to our
old artifact tester?

No, not a new artifact tester,
a tester of new artifacts.

And our old tester of artifacts?

Our scanners used to determine age

by the breakdown of magic
within the artifact,

akin to carbon dating.

But with the ley lines dormant
and prophecy ended,

we need new tools to detect new magic.

I understand completely.

If I could still get some avocado
on mine, just on the side...

JENKINS: It's not...

I understand what
you're saying, Cassandra,

okay, but I spent my whole life
hiding from who I really was.

Now that I'm at peace with it,
I can't tell anybody?

But that's the way
that it's always been.

I don't understand
why it's bothering you now.

You're not... Jones, Jones, okay?

The Super Bowl, yeah.
Somebody wins the Super Bowl,

they throw 'em a parade.

Sometimes we get toast.

Guys, back when I
was in counterterrorism,

we used to fight
catastrophe all the time.

We couldn't talk about it.
Comes with the job.

See, it's perfectly normal
to want recognition,

but this is the job we signed up for.

- We don't get to be...
- Normal, exactly.

You won't live normal lives.

You're not normal people.
You're Librarians.

Flynn, what are you
doing in the mirror?

Well, after we tether to the Library,

I'll be taking on
certain responsibilities

that used to be performed by Judson,

namely surprising you by popping up

into mirrors, TV screens, and windows.

And I think I've finally...
mastered how to do it.

Why... why are you guys upside down?

Wait! No normal lives,
not at all, not ever?

(CHUCKLES) It's just now that I'm
not living with the constant fear

of the brain tumor k*lling me,

I just thought I'd be able to experience
things that normal people do.

You have a higher calling now,

your life, your commitment
here in the Library.

No relationships, families...?

- No friends?
- Friends? No.

No, especially not friends.

Why are you doing this?

Because this is how we'll communicate
with the team from afar.

(GLITCHING)

(GARBLED DIALOGUE)

(LAUGHS) I'm gonna get
to the bottom of this

if it's the last thing I do.

Wait, um, so why can't we have friends?

Because emotional ties
outside the Library

cause chaos and distraction
and confusion.

All right, well, Thomas Aquinas said,

"There is nothing on this Earth

more to be prized
than true friendship."

Thomas Aquinas? Thomas Aquinas
was never a Librarian.

Thomas Aquinas barely
made the waiting list.

Listen, guys, I know
what you're going through.

It happened to me.

There comes a point in time
in every Librarian's life

when he has to deal with the
downside of being a superhero.

- Superhero?
- That is what we are, in a way.

We can do amazing things,
but we don't do normal things.

It's like my old friend
and mentor Judson once said.

He used to say to me, "You have to think
of yourself as being celibate monks."

Uh, but you're not. You have Baird.

- Doesn't count.
- What?

What I mean is you, sweetie,
are from the Library,

so you understand the life in the
way that an outsider wouldn't.

Well, I'm not buying it, all right?

As a matter of fact,
I'm gonna take Ezekiel

and go see one of my friends,
Slayton, all right?

- We're gonna drink some beer.
- Ah, ah.

We're gonna bet on some ponies,

like real people, all right?

You ready, Jones?

I was born ready.

Take off the hat.

- But I was...
- Take off the hat.

- I don't count?
- (LAUGHS) Sweetie, that's not what I...

aah!

This is what I was looking for.

Oh, look at this, huh?

Excitement of the race.

You can smell the horse sweat.

Nothing more pure.

(WHICKERS)

It's not gonna bite.

Maybe not.

You don't have to worry about me, mate.

The deadliest animals in the
world all come from my hometown.

Well, good, because
they can sense fear.

(LAUGHS) Slayton, how you doin', Bubba?

Good, man.

What are you doing here?

What do you mean?
You invited me weeks ago.

Oh, that's right, I did.

Man, things have been crazy.

You bein' here is the first good
thing to happen in a while.

Well, this is my colleague,
Ezekiel Jones.

You two work on the pipeline together?

No, we... something like that, yeah.

Then maybe you can explain this guy.

He's one of the smartest dudes I know.

He's like a walkin' library.

But he doesn't want to be any
more than an oil field roughneck.

Hey.

- Glad you're here, Jake.
- Thank you.

Check this out.

His name is Slayton Star.

You ever seen anything this
beautiful in your life, Ezekiel?

Uh, no. No, no, no.

Except the Hope Diamond.

Or a hand milled
multi-lock skeleton key.

But, as far as horses go, aces.

He's a funny guy.

Hey, man, remember when I
asked you if you wanted

to go in the horse training
business with me, set up an outfit?

- I do.
- Yeah.

Looks like you're doing well, though.

Slayton Star's running
in the Grand Slam.

Yeah. Yeah, it was
good for a while, man.

Ever since I got here, dude, things
have gone from bad to worse.

It's like I'm cursed or something.

The cards again, huh?

Yeah, yeah, man.
I played a hand or two.

I wasn't gonna do any more
than that, but, uh...

Did you get caught up?

No, man, this was different.

It was unreal. It was bad hand after
bad hand. It just kept coming.

And now...

no, no, no, no, no.

- Step back.
- Come on, guys. Not now.

(WHINNIES)

I thought our agreement
was delivery after the stakes.

Our deal was subject
to my whims, Mr. Slayton.

Oh, Benny, he's just so pretty.

I like pretty things.

You lost fair and square, my friend.

Don't do that, man.
Don't touch my friend.

- Don't, Jake, don't.
- Don't touch my... don't.

Jake.

It's okay, man.

It's like he said.

It was fair and square.

Get the horse to my barn.

MAN: Come on, now. All right.

(HORSE SNICKERS)

(WHINNIES)

No, baby, no.

No.

Hey, hey.

This over a game of cards?

It's like I was trying
to tell you, man.

It started with the cards,
but then everything went wrong.

It's the most salacious
cold streak in my life.

Then the vet called, water heater
exploded, got a letter from the IRS.

I'm just thinking, "Lord, what's next?"

I mean, this can't all be
coincidence, right?

Ahh! Damn bee.

It's some... you know...

hey, hey, hey, Slayton!

- Slayton!
- He's in anaphylactic shock.

Call - - ! Slayton! Slayton! Slayton!

Come on.

Slayton!

Doc, how is he?

Normally a sting like that
would be harmless.

Mr. Slayton wasn't even
allergic to bees,

but trace chemicals in his shampoo

and the diet soda he drank today

mixed with this particular
strain of bee venom

to completely shut down his system.

What? What are the odds on that?

We're doing everything we can,
but if the necrosis spreads,

we're talking permanent
organ damage or worse.

- Prep Trauma One.
- Yes, Doctor.

(GROANING)

Another million-to-one freak accident.

Wait, "Another million-to-one
freak accident?"

And what are the odds of
million-to-one freak accidents?

- Oh, it hurts.
- Okay.

I'm betting that didn't happen
in a ho-hum fashion, either.

- Or that.
- Man on P.A.: All available personnel

report to the ER stat.

We have another case
of lightning trauma.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

STONE: Wait, look at that guy's shirt.

Fortune Downs Race Track and Casino.

We just came from there.

Racing form.

Fortune Downs.

One freak accident is unfortunate.

Two is unusual.

Three, four, five...

Magic.

BAIRD: Not exactly Churchill Downs.

STONE: Flynn said the place
is under new management.

Are you sure your friend's misfortune
is magical? You said he gambles.

If it was just that, then no.
But there's the crazy bee sting.

And all the weirdness at the hospital.

It all leads back here.

Usually when there are compound
synchronic improbabilities,

it indicates a singular force,

often abnormal, working willfully.

What?

A bunch of weird events
together? It's magic.

- Here you go.
- MAN: It's time for the call to post.

So this is a thing that normal people

with absolutely nothing but
time on their hands do for fun?

EZEKIEL: Uh, not all normal people.

In to , horseracing was the
most watched spectator sport in America.

Really? I wasn't in America back then.
What was it like?

Well, I tell you, Jones,
if I hadn't joined the Library,

this is what I'd be doing.

Training horses. Hmm.

All the fresh air,
excitement in the crowd.

Nothing is better.

(FANFARE PLAYING)

- Oh, fun. TV.
- Ooh.

Your dreams can come true
at Fortune Downs Stakes,

the fourth leg
of horse racing's grand slam.

Look at this.

Most important piece of data

is the horse's lifetime
in the money percentage.

Unless you're going trifecta.

Don't miss your chance
to become a winner...

- like me.
- (DINGS)

ANNOUNCER: Bowing down the
stretch, it's Gary's Golden Girl

neck-and-neck with
Brandon Baller on the rail

and Four Days In coming up
on the outside.

It's going to be a close call.

And it's Gary's Golden Girl.

(ALL GROANING)

Well, that was exciting...

until it wasn't. I'm gonna
go check out the casino.

- Good idea.
- I'll go check the gaming machines.

What's wrong with this picture?

Crowd's not cheering.
Nobody in the money?

A race with no winners?

No more bets.

- Red seven.
- (PLAYERS GROANING)

- The winner is red seven.
- Well, hello there.

- Think you can change our luck?
- Oh, can I?

How do you play?

You pick a number or a color
and cross your fingers.

This time we're going
with my old football jersey.

Here, give it a try.

Oh. Okay.

Just...

Ooh, don't get too wild now.

Well, well, admittedly,
it's not even odds,

but at . %, it is your
best chance at winning.

If you just put it on one
number, your odds are . %.

- It's not great.
- You're a smart one.

- Oh. (CHUCKLES)
- I'm not gonna bet against you.

- (PLAYERS GROAN)
- Red five, the winner.

The odds.

Um, dealer, I... I'm gonna
need more of these.

Please.

You poor pigeons.

Well, as one thief to another,
I believe I found my game.

ANNOUNCER: Full speed on the outside.
Jimmy Galavan giving...

- (ALL CHEERING)
- Come on! Go! Go!

ANNOUNCER: And at the finish,
it's Crendemous Queen.

(ALL BOOING)

A photo finish for place,
Erin's Breakdown in fourth.

Nobody wins again.

That's definitely not right.

Okay, I'm willing to buy your
magical interference theory,

but who or what is doing it?

Could be a new artifact,
dormant ley line.

Or someone taking advantage
of one of those things.

I smell a rat.
Is that what you're saying?

Close enough.

ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to the winner's circle,

Fortune Downs Stakes.

Hey.

That's the guy that stole Slayton's
horse right before he got stung.

So this guy owns the track
and the winning horse?

Everybody loses but him.

If it smells like a rat...

I win again!

Wow, nice run, partner.

Benny Konopka. That's me.

I own the joint.

I do love a cowboy,

especially one who's winning.

All right, Roy Rogers, let's
see if your luck still holds.

Whoa. You're a cowboy.
That's gonna be tough to b*at.

WOMAN: Nice, nice.

- Dealer.
- (PLAYERS GROANING)

Geez, . That's a tough break.

Well, keep playing.
Maybe you too can be a winner.

- Like me.
- Better luck next time, sugar.

Come on, sweetheart.

Hey, did you see that?
He straight up cooled the guy.

It's like he's stealing luck.

He's stealing luck.

I'm telling you my... my... my friend,
Slayton, he invited me here weeks ago.

I bet you anything it was
before his luck got stolen.

But how did Mr. Winner's Circle
pull that off?

- Like me.
- (DINGS)

My money's on the pinkie ring.

Well, then we better go find our thief.

Absolu...

Come on, come on, come on, black.

- Red one.
- Oh, what the heck, man?

That's red or green spins in a row!

spins and not a single
black number coming up?

I mean, the odds of that are
, , to .

That violates every law of probability.

I'm gonna try it again.

Unless you got a way of figuring out
where that little ball is going,

you're gonna have to get lucky,
just like everybody else.

You're right, but I am
not like everyone else.

This wheel, it's off by . degrees.

Factor in the applied torque and
the starting position of the ball.

- Red the winner.
- Yes! Yes! Yes!

- BOTH: Yes! Yes! Yes!
- I did it! I did it!

Well, well, isn't that a little
slice of wonderful, huh?

Benny Konopka. That's me.

- I own the joint.
- Like me.

Well, why don't you make
yourself a bet?

- Be somebody, kid.
- Don't mind if I do.

Feel a hot streak coming on.

So sad when they rely on luck.

- Red three the winner.
- (ALL CHEERING)

Yes! Yes! Yes! I did it! Boo-yah!

(SLOT MACHINES CHIRPING)

What the hell is he doing?

What are you doing, Jones?

Me? I'm winning. That's what.

(SLOT MACHINE BEEPING)

Really? 'Cause it kinda looks
like the opposite.

No, no, no. Listen,

if I line up all
these machines in a row,

- one of them has to...
- Jones!

We don't have time for this.

We know what the artifact is
and we need you to steal it.

It's a pinkie ring
that steals your luck

and turns you into a...

- pathetic loser.
- Hmm? No. Me? No, no, no.

I... I'm not the guy that loses.
I'm the guy that wins.

Listen to me, you can't win.
It's a machine.

Yes! Yes, it's... it's a machine!

And... and I know
how to handle machines.

Do you have a hex wrench?

(EXASPERATED SIGH)

- Swiss army Kn*fe?
- That'll do.

Cover me.

All right, yes. You're a machine.
(CHUCKLES)

- Hey.
- How you doing?

(CHUCKLES) You cable,
you think you know me,

you don't know me. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, USB.

Got it!

(SLOT MACHINE BEEPING)

(LAUGHING) Don't you ever feel
like you can b*at Ezekiel Jones.

You feel better about yourself now?

I actually... actually, I do.

Great! Let's go get that ring.

Wait! Are we just gonna leave
the money there, guys?

What's going on, Benny?

I don't know!
We cooled her, I know we did.

Oh! My! God!

I know who you are,
and I know who you are.

"Don't miss your chance
to be a winner like me."

Very good. Listen, we're in
a big hurry, okay? So...

I hope you're not in a hurry at all.

We are. Didn't I tell him we...

Well, look, just in case
you're not in a hurry,

I was just asking if it's possible...
I promise I never do this...

Can I please get your
autograph, please?

It's just you guys are like
the Jay-Z and Beyoncé

of the casino/racetrack world.

- Foreigners are awfully cute.
- Just make it quick, okay?

- Will you please...
- To E, Z, oh, okay. Never mind.

Thank you so much. All right.
Here you are.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, big thrill, okay.

- Okay, listen, we'll...
- (ALL CHEERING)

- Oh, no! Okay, look...
- Yes!

I know I cooled her.
I know I did. It didn't take.

Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh.
My ring. My pinkie ring.

- Where is it? What are you...
- Where's my pinkie ring?

Whatcha doin'?

Uh, just, uh, concentrating, sir.

- Team back yet?
- No, sir, not yet.

But shouldn't you be with them?
I think they're on to something.

No, no. I need to spend some
time here in the nerve center.

On the bridge.

After I... we tether
to the Library, this...

that out there will be
my new domain forever.

Getting pretty excited about it.

Forgive me if I sound
a little dubious, sir,

but poppycock.

Poppycock?

Yes, your overexuberance,
bit of a giveaway,

sounds a little more like fear.

(SCOFFS) Of what?

That if you leave, you'll never return.

Jenkins, your powers of observation
are usually so astute.

But I think they're misplaced here.

I simply want to familiarize myself

with the levers of power
Of the Library.

Hmm. Oh, forgive me, which I need
to set a door for the Colonel.

- Oh, I can do that.
- Well, sir...

I need to familiarize myself with
the levers of power in the Library.

Yeah, I don't know.

- (SIGHS) - You sure this is where
Jenkins said he'd set the door?

I'm sure. Hang on, I'll call him.
And no service.

Casinos are all dead zones. You
gotta keep the gamblers gambling.

FLYNN: I'll bet you wish you didn't
need a phone to communicate.

(CHUCKLES)

(DISTORTED) I told you
this was so much better,

and as you can see,
I've figured it out.

(SIGHS)

Where's Jenkins? We need the door.

He's making some minor repairs
to that back door right now.

He'll have it up and running
in no time.

Well, maybe a little time. Little time.

- We need a hot artifact check.
- Oh. Uh, yes.

Uh, well, since someone, uh,
almost broke the globe

by projecting on its reflective base,

we will need to field test the item.

Hold it up to the glass, please.

Uh, well, the cameo stone looks like...

It's the Roman goddess Fortuna,
the goddess of Luck.

I think you're on to something.

Ah-ha. Now, so we'll need
some naphazaline,

hydrochloride, an ethanol solution,

and a magnet.

Do you have eye drops,
an ATM card, and a beer?

Oh.

Drop the stone in.

Green.

Is that good or bad?

Mm, no. Not till St. Patrick's
Day, but no magic, no.

None? Are you sure?

Yeah, well, no.
It's not an exact science.

Miss Cillian could perfect it.

By the way, where's Miss Cillian?

(ALL CHEERING)

Benny, forget about the ring. Look!

Yes! Yes! Come to mama.

Do you realize were losing?

I can't even watch.
Deal with it, Benny.

All right, boys. We've obviously
got a crossroader here.

Bring her down to the counting room.

It's time for a workout.

And find my ring!

- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo-hoo!

(GRUNTS) Whoa.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Where are they taking her?

You take somebody out of a
casino like that some place bad.

All right.

We always like to give
any kind of cheater

a chance to come clean.

We don't want to hurt you.

You know that, don't you?

So, what's your scam?

No scam. Math.

Math? There's no math in roulette.
It's just numbers.

You're a grifter,
and I want to know your play.

Actually, there's math
in everything, so...

What is that? Is it a chainsaw?

No. It's a baritone sax.

You ever hear one of these things?
It's really annoying.

Ugh. But it covers the noise in
case we gotta break your fingers.

There's something I need to tell you.

I'm a Librarian.

(LAUGHTER)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Why does anyone even try that anymore?

All right, that's enough.

A Librarian, huh?

All right, what's it gonna be, huh?

Truth?

Or dare me to do something terrible?

(HEART b*ating RAPIDLY)

Look, it's not like I'm some
fancy d- polygraph machine,

more like a really good analog one,

but I can count to ,

which is your current heart rate,

which leads me to believe that
you're having a panic att*ck,

so I'm guessing that you're
not really a tough guy.

- Yes, I am.
- FELICITY: Enough!

I've been waiting for you
for , years.

Who sent you? Jupiter?

I think you're confusing me with
someone who's... really old.

This isn't Rome. They don't
revere witches here in America.

They burn them.

But, no, actually they...
they don't... not anymore.

- I mean, they used to years ago.
- Shut up, fool!

Yes, Fortuna.

Fortuna? The Roman goddess of luck?

I will ask you again,
did Jupiter send you?

Or was it that goody-goody Minerva?

Jupiter, Minerva, Fortuna.

No.

Actually, it was Saturn.

That bastard.

Not him, not you,

nobody is going to trap me
back in a statue.

I am done with being put on a pedestal.

You don't know what it's like
standing up there.

Half-naked men pawing at you,
throwing coins.

- Or do you?
- No.

Ew.

Okay, so what do we know?

It's not the ring, it's her.

Apparently she's a Roman goddess.

She's almost , years old.

- She was stuck in a statue.
- Boom. Living artifact.

Okay, so she's stealing
people's luck. How?

Legend has it Fortuna used to upset
people's luck by kissing them.

What? So she has to go and kiss
everyone on the race track and casino?

Girl gets around.

The fourth leg of horse
racing's grand slam.

- Don't miss your chance...
- That girl does.

And I know just how
she's doing it. Watch.

- There's the kiss.
- That's a magic kiss.

It uses the electromagnetic
radiation of the screens.

People are getting infected with
bad luck just looking at her.

Guys, small point,
but aren't we looking at her?

We've got to save Cassandra
before they barbecue her.

Hey!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Wet floor. How unlucky.

(ALL GRUNTING)

Don't miss your chance
to become a winner...

like me. (DINGS)

That's why they're immune.

How come it's not affecting you?

Uh, I guess I broke the spell
when I hacked the machine.

How the hell do you hack a fight?

We're trying to hit these guys, right?

Try not hitting them. Just do it.

Uh. (GRUNTS)

- Yo!
- ...a winner...

like me. (DINGS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS, GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

Dang it.

Hit Cassandra!

- What?
- What?

Punch Cassandra in the face.

Do it! Hit her hard!

Hit her! Hit her!
Punch her in the face!

(GRUNTS)

- We b*at the spell.
- Wait, the spell's broken?

Uh, guys? Um, guys?

CASSANDRA: No, Fortuna's goals
have nothing to do with money.

She wants to be a god again.

I heard her say something about being
in the circle for the bandwidth.

She wants to be able to spread
her power outside the casino.

She used the electromagnetic
waves from the screens...

bandwidth.

In the circle.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Duh.

(GROANING)

The circle is the winner's circle.

She's gonna throw a kiss on live TV.

The race is being broadcast
across the country.

She's gonna steal the luck of millions.

CASSANDRA:
Think of the multiplier effect.

And with life itself just being a
series of genetic coincidences...

We're lucky to be alive.

And the absence of luck is death.

We have to stop her.

Her kiss could wipe out humanity.

Escaped?

Well, they said
that she had a lot of help.

The entire coven
must have time-traveled.

This has Saturn's
sickle-prints all over it.

He is working with Jupiter
to try to stop me.

Haters!

You take that fortune
you've been squirreling away

and hire more men, bad men.

Round up the entire coven
and this time, burn them!

Okay, you might want
to consider a rethink.

Okay, we'll...
we'll consolidate our gains.

Uh, we could invest, okay?
That's power in the real world.

(GRUNTS)

Do you see what they're doing to me?

I will die before I go back
on a pedestal,

but I will make you wish
that you had d*ed first.

If only we knew more.
What's her motivation?

FLYNN: Funny you should ask.

We have just come into a very
important piece of information.

As it turns out, Jenkins was friends

with a Second-Century Etruscan
holy man who told him...

(DISTORTED SPEAKING)

Flynn, you're making us nuts.

- Sorry.
- JENKINS: Colonel, down here.

Yes, now, according to Walo,
Jupiter set up a competition

between his four favorites: Saturn,
Mars, Minerva, and Fortuna

to see who would rule
over the affairs of mankind.

Fortuna won and she declared
thenceforth that the world

would be ruled by luck.

No more choice or judgment
or self-determination.

In other words,
utter chaos would ensue.

Jupiter realized his mistake,
reneged on the deal,

and demoted Fortuna.

Jupiter transformed her
into a disembodied spirit,

doomed for all time to exist in
the gambling halls of humankind.

As punishment for trying
to rule the world through luck,

she is forced to exist
in the world's casinos.

Wait, so Fortuna's big plan is
to deal death and destruction?

No, now her big plan is to try to rule
the world through the carnage of luck.

Which would include a lot of
death and destruction, so yeah.

So how did she become a statue?

A ley line runs right
underneath the race track.

Somehow she figured out a way to
upload herself into her own statue

and take physical form again.

What we don't know is how
the statue was reanimated.

- Or how to re-statue-ize her.
- Ahem.

So the only way to stop her now
is to keep her off camera?

Absolutely. The broadcast
is the key to her scheme.

Stop it and you stop her.

The race starts in minutes.

We can do this.

FLYNN: I wish I could be there.
I would be if I cou...

Yes, but, uh, I better get
back to working on the door,

otherwise, hmm, you'll be
walking home from the Rockies.

FLYNN: Signing off.

So here's the plan. There's
cameras around the track.

We'll split up and disable three each.

No cameras, no broadcast, no kiss.

- What if they're being guarded?
- No, Fortuna doesn't have enough g*ons

to guard them all. There's
more of us than there are of...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Could have been
a little off on the math.

What's this?

It's not us. (CHUCKLES)

Could have a passing resemblance.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Calm down.

Calm down. You don't get paid
if you tear them limb from limb.

There's a very specific way to do this.

Ooh, did that truck
just back into a motorcycle?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Go! Go!

Where'd they go?

Get 'em!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

In here. Come on, this way. Hurry.

Hurry.

Guys, you gotta help me.

Help you? Give me one good reason

why I shouldn't tear
your ear off right now.

It does only take
seven pounds of pressure.

Oh, please.

I'm not who you think I am, okay?

I'm just a bookkeeper
with a gambling problem.

Every day, I'd rub the statue out
front just praying for a payday.

One night, I rubbed the statue,
okay, and she comes to life.

And I won and I won
and I won and I won.

I won so much,
I wound up owning the place.

All of those desperate people,
all of that magical thinking.

It must have infused itself
into the statue.

I made a deal with a devil woman.

And as long as she's flesh and blood,

I'm her servant.
I can't take it anymore.

Honest to God, you can have it all.

(SCOFFS) We don't want your money.

Uh, we don't?

Oh. We... we don't.

I hired those g*ons, okay?

And if we don't hurry up,

they're probably already telling her

that I've double-crossed her.

Help us take out the cameras.

No, it's too late. They're...
they're too heavily guarded.

She's hired an army of the most
horrible people in the world.

Oh, what am I gonna do?

All right, all right. if we
can't take out the cameras,

how do we stop the kiss?

Think, Benny.

Come on, think!

Well, I'm not gonna hit you.

No, but somebody has.

That's one heck of a backhand.

It was her.

Parts of her body
are turning into bronze.

It's quite a knuckle duster.

Wait, why is she turning
back to bronze?

When did that happen?

When you started winning.

That's it. When Cassandra
broke the bad luck curse,

she regained her good luck
back from Fortuna.

She needs the luck to stay alive.

So we just need to help other
people b*at their bad luck,

draining the life from her,
turning her back to all statue-y.

A mass curse buster.
So how do we do that?

Okay, if we can get enough people to do
exactly what you did at that table...

but... but you're the only you.

- Thank you.
- Right, right.

Um, how is it that you b*at luck?

I mean, besides having
otherworldly talent, of course.

Cheating.

We'll secretly rig the race track and
casino to cheat lady luck herself.

I like it.

Quisling! That heap of fimus!

Jupiter must have made him
a better deal.

Forget about the race.
We go before the cameras now.

Guys, the puckering is happening
ahead of schedule.

The kiss is coming. I repeat,
the kiss is coming now.

ANNOUNCER: Five minutes to post.

All riders, five minutes to post.

Guys, it's such an exciting day.

I want you to see this
before you mount up.

Come on, gather around. Take a look.

Check this out, homie.

Sunglass company wants to give
you an endorsement.

Hmm? Better than goggles.
Check 'em out.

Don't miss your chance
to become a winner...

- (SHIMMERING, DINGS)
- Like me.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(TRUMPET BLARING)

- Oh!
- Are you all right, ma'am?

Keep moving! Go secure the area.

Come on!

All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen, the machines
will be fixed in just a moment, okay?

Okay? Here... here we go right here.

Where have you been, man? I've
been stalling as long as I can.

All right, cool your jets.
I was in the casino.

Those rigged gaming machines
don't rig themselves.

You got your card?

(BEEPING)

All right, I'm in.

All right, roll right up,
roll right up,

and place your bets.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Just like that, everybody's a winner.

ANNOUNCER: And the horses are
approaching the starting gate.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Over here! (GRUNTS)

Yes, over... I command you.

Right here.
Make him point the camera at me.

ANNOUNCER: It's time
for the call to post.

- FORTUNA: Make him do it.
- Go on, get outta here! Move it! Move!

Lady, you got a lot of brass.

- You're too late.
- ANNOUNCER: They're all tight.

- (BELL RINGING)
- And they're off!

Hey, what the?

The horses are just wandering
around the gate.

Wait, Metro Randy in the number
seven red silks is up and running!

Looks like your luck's running out.

I don't need luck.

I am luck.

- (CLANGS)
- Ow!

- (CLANGS)
- (GRUNTS)

Turn the camera to me, you idiot!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

What the hell?

I bet the two horse,
my ticket says seven.

- So does mine.
- Mine say seven, too.

ANNOUNCER: It's still only
the number seven horse

all by himself on the back stretch.

And she's winning.

Every ticket is seven.
What are the odds of that?

Red, black, red, black, red.

.

Put your money on red .

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- No more bets. No more bets.

ANNOUNCER: Finally the
number four horse...

FORTUNA: Turn it to me. Hurry up.

You idiot.

ANNOUNCER: Lady Dionne is against
the rail giving everything she has.

Right now!

It's Lady Dionne and
lucky number seven.

Start filming!
You only have to turn it on!

Lucky number seven still holding on!

No.

(ALL CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: It's Metro Randy, lucky
number seven still in the lead...

- Fortuna, kiss off.
- As they charge over the stretch run.

- No!
- It's going to be close.

And it's Metro Randy,
number seven by a nose.

(ALL CHEERING)

(GRUNTING)

I'm just saying I feel sorry for her.

I mean, she turned out bad, but
she didn't start off that way.

Even the Pantheon has a glass ceiling.

Yeah, but there's bad, and then
there's destroy-the-world bad.

At that point, it doesn't even
matter what your reasons are.

Oh, I don't know. A powerful woman
obvious thr*at to the power structure.

Just imagine.

Yes, well, I don't think the statue
should be anywhere near the Toaster.

I will take it down to storage.

It is the responsible thing to do.

- I don't count?
- You count. You count.

And then, literally,

five minutes after the race was over,

the doctor said I started
responding to the antibiotics.

- That's crazy, isn't it?
- Yeah, man.

And when I got home,

I found out Benny Konopka
had signed her back over to me.

(CHUCKLES) And how do you explain that?

But, you know, it made me think.

You only get one sh*t at life.

Jake, stop throwing yours away, man.

You got so much potential, man.

You could be so much more.

Slayton, what happened here
at the race track,

what happened with you,
that wasn't just luck.

No. What was it then?

Payback. Hmm?

(SCOFFS)

You know why? 'Cause you're
one of the good guys.

(LAUGHING)

So are you, man.

I mean what I said, Jake.

You could be so much more.

Yeah.

I think I'm gonna keep
doing what I'm doing.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Hmm?

- Yeah.
- It's working for me.