04x03 - And the Christmas Thief

[bunniefuu]

BANK MANAGER:
You wish to open an account?

Yes, please, sir.

It would be an honor.

And what would you bring as...
collateral?

It's the thing you want.

The thing you want best of all.

You've brought me...

The Vessel?

(DOOR OPENS)

After all these years,

I finally have his precious...

This is a forgery.

You dare attempt to deceive
the Bank of Thieves?

You two are toxic assets,

and you know what
the Bank of Thieves does

with toxic assets.

It liquidates them.

- Wait.
- No!

Wait, I... (GRUNTING)

Let me be very clear. No touching.

- It can't be.
- I don't believe it.

- It's Santa's sleigh!
- Yes, it is.

And also, no touching.

Chassis made of exotic materials,

runners forged of reinforced steel.

I wonder how fast this cat
can go when it gets on it.

Mr. Stone,

please, may I remind you
of the enormity

of our responsibility here.

This is the first time
Santa has ever left the sleigh

in the care of anyone
except the elves.

We have a duty of care.

To guard it, to protect it,

and not to touch it.

I think it's wonderful.

The elves are finally due a break.

Yes, indeed. So, as Santa
was, and we all are.

Yeah, except for us, 'cause we'll
on on sleigh duty all Christmas.

I'm sorry, Ezekiel. Are we boring you?
You keep checking your watch.

Yeah. It's a nice watch.
I like it, okay?

Sunglasses! Sunglasses!
Where are my sunglasses?

They're on your head.

- Ah. Sun hat? Sun hat? Su...
- Also on your head.

I'm not crazy
about this whole vacation idea.

What are you talking about?
To get asked

to go on vacation with
Santa is an honor.

I'm not in a very relaxing mood.

That is why you need a vacation.

That's like me saying I'm not hungry

and you saying so have a big cake.

All right, now, thank you.
Librarians, please remember,

the sleigh must rest and recuperate

in order to recover
its Christmas cheer

after the festive rush,
so... no touching.

Jenkins, I'm getting this
strange, almost subliminal sense

that you don't want us to touch it?

- Uh...
- Jenkins, come on!

We've got a door to catch.
Let's vamoose. Let's giddyup.

Merry Christmas to all,
and to all a good night.

You sure you guys are gonna be okay?

Yeah. We're gonna be here
at the Library

with a little quiet time
like little church mice.

Let's get this party started!

(CHUCKLES)

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

So, what do you think?

You shouldn't have gone
to all this trouble.

Uh, I'm at a loss for words,
literally.

Knew you would love them.

I was worried they were gonna
be a little understated,

but now that I see them with you guys,

they're perfect! (CHUCKLES)

- Try 'em on.
- Right now?

Uh, I don't want to
ruin it by wearing it.

It's warm in the Library.

- It's so...
- Go for it.

Listen, I don't want
to get the delicious

eggnog on this beautiful
craftsmanship.

I think I'm gonna put
one of these stars

on this portrait of Septimus the Seer.

He won't mind. Probably saw it coming.

Jenkins said don't put
any tacky decorations up...

CASSANDRA: Well, Jenkins isn't here.

And one man's tacky
is another girl's tasteful.

Ooh, Ezekiel, hand me
that tinsel baby Jesus.

Ezekiel?

Where'd he go?

(ZAPS)

VOICES: ♪ A day for stealing ♪

♪ A day for trouble
and much double-dealing ♪

♪ Hooray for greed
and laws made for breaking ♪

♪ We're giving up giving
for Happy Thankstaking ♪

(CHEERING)

Happy Thankstaking, girls.

Ooh, Charity. (CHUCKLES)

- This is...
- It's a Crowlex watch.

I stole it from Value Palace.

This is lovely.

You may put the price tag
on the shrine, dearie.

Ooh!

I nicked this one from the mall
for you, Mum.

- Ooh.
- (MUSIC PLAYING)

Thank you. Ooh, that is perfect!

Just remember, love,
it's the price that counts.

We are doing him proud
this year, aren't we?

(DOOR OPENS)

(GASPS) Ezekiel! Oh, my boy.

Happy Thankstaking, love.

You are just in time
to give me my gift.

Hello, Mum.

Charity, Honor, Mercy.

What's this?

Uh, it's the glass figurine
you said you wanted.

I thought it'd be nice, you know.

- You've got a collection going...
- No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, this. There's no price tag.

- (GASPING)
- You bought this.

How am I supposed to honor the Saint
of Thieves with a bought gift?

The whole point is you have to
give Mum something you stole.

We're celebrating
the Patron Saint of Thieves.

He can't accept a gift
that isn't stolen.

- He's not real!
- Neither is Santa.

Which is why we celebrate
Thankstaking Day.

And you give the gifts to me.

But the gift must be stolen.

You know I don't steal anymore.

"Can't steal" is more like it.

- You never could.
- (LAUGHTER)

I can steal just fine.

He's never had a knack
for the family business.

Well, actually I have quite the knack.
That's not the point.

Remember when he stole
that stupid egg thing?

(LAUGHTER)

It was a Fabergé egg, okay?

Well, last month,
your baby sister Mercy here,

stole a pickup truck with a dual hemi

right off the lot.
It was the crime of the century.

Congratulations, Mercy.
A pickup truck.

A dual hemi pickup truck!

You know, you should try and be a
little bit more like your sisters.

He's not even in our league.

I'm not in your league?

If you can't make it in crime, lad,

you... you really need to figure out
what it is you're doing with your life.

You want to know
what I'm doing with my life?

Saving yours and yours and yours

and every damn person you know!

Remember last year, hmm?
When the world didn't end?

Well, that was because of me.

Yeah, I've traveled the world.

I've traveled through time,
alternate realities.

I've battled demons,
giants, and beasts.

And for your information, Mother,

Santa is real.

I know, 'cause I met him.

Did you sit on his lap?

- (LAUGHTER)
- (DOOR CLOSES)

Girls, stop it, stop it. You've
upset... you've upset your brother.

Ezekiel. Oh, Zekey, stop it! Wait.

Listen, love, it's good
you got an imagination.

You think I'm making it all up?

Just because you can't steal, that...

I can steal, Mother!
I have chosen not to!

I'm doing something important
with my life.

(CHUCKLES) Magic?

What are you gonna do? Birthday parties?
Shriner conventions?

I am talking about...

actually, you know what? Forget it.

- Come see for yourself.
- (GRUNTS)

Take a look at this.

Does this look imaginary to you, Mum?

(GASPS) Our shed is
bigger on the inside.

This is the Library.
Yeah, yeah, it's a magic door.

And... and you spin the globe and it
locks on to any door in the world.

Because that's how cool
the Library is.

I mean, this is where I work now.

It's who I am.

You know, it's the most
magical, secretive,

important place on Earth.

And it is full of the most
improbable, impossible stuff

you've ever dreamt of.

And no one knows about it
'cause no one can.

It is top secret. No one's even
supposed to know that it exists.

Especially you, Mum. All right, uh,

look, you know what? We have to go.

You were right. I was joking.

Uncle Harold, he put me up to it.
That flaming drunkard.

All right, good-bye now. Merry
Christmas and Happy Thankstaking.

(EXHALES) Stone? Cassandra? I'm back.

- I'm sorry. (STAMMERS)
- No, no, no, no!

I gotta take one more look.
No, no, no.

I gotta take one more look.

(EXHALES SHARPLY) Look at this.

Look at the ergonomics.
Deceptively simple.

Once you cut this bronco loose,
then you better back up, boy!

'Cause it'll kick you in the head.

Hey, if I'm honest, I like this
more than I do the magic door.

Guys, where's the globe?

Someone stole the magic globe. Oh!

(GASPS)

Someone stole the magic door.

- Oh, God, Mum.
- We need to call...

Call Baird right...
did you just say...

- "Mum"?
- Sorry, n... uh,

I might have given the, uh,
impression that I was

the black sheep of my family.

But, um, in actual reality,
I'm more like the black sheep

in a flock of black sheep,
and my mum is the shepherd.

Your mother stole the magic door?

What was she doing here, Jones?

Well, I... you know how it gets
with family.

They just get all up
in your face and you just...

Bring the to the secret magic library

to steal the secret magic door?

That never happens.

How good is she?

Uh, as a mother? Okay. Not great.

- As a thief.
- Uh, okay, not great.

Wrong, Jones, all right?
She stole a magic door.

She can go anywhere she wants.

We need to get it back.
Where did she take it?

Uh, no, no, no, no, no. You are not
meeting my family. Yeah, yeah.

This is what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna sort this out alone.

(RINGING)

Hello? Oh, Eve, thank God!

(GRUNTING)

Flynn was right. This is wonderful.

I'd say I told you so, but I'm
too relaxed even to be right.

EVE: How are things with you?

Actually, we have a problem.

Problem? What's the problem?

No! No! Cass, please, please, please.

They're my family.
I'll sort it out, please!

- I thought we were your family.
- You're a different sort of family!

- EVE: Cass! Cass, what's the problem?
- I like you guys. Please!

Please, please! I'm begging you!
I'm begging you!

- Cassandra?
- I've never seen him like this.

- Me neither.
- What's the problem?

It's okay. We got everything sorted out.
I found it.

The bottle opener was in the bottle
opener drawer with the bottle openers.

- All good.
- Okay.

Flynn, can you ask Jenkins
to get me one of those drinks

with the little umbrellas inside?

- Actually two.
- Two umbrellas?

Drinks. Bye, kids.

I can't believe
you made me lie for you.

Ezekiel, I am not a Li...

- Muah!
- Hey, man.

You're amazing, you're fantastic!
You're my Christmas miracles.

- I'll see you guys later.
- Wait, where do you think you're going?

- To get back the door.
- Where does she even live?

- Just outside of Sydney, Australia.
- That explains the accent.

Problem. How are you going to get
, miles across the world

with no magic door?

- Solution.
- No.

- Yes. Yep.
- Nope. No way!

Yep! It's time to let this kitty purr.

Oh, no, no, no.
You're not coming with me.

Jones, I'm not passing up
a chance to drive this thing.

I am not letting this sleigh
out of my sight,

especially with the two of you in it.

It's all or nothing, Ezekiel.
What's it gonna be?

All right, fine.
But don't say I didn't warn you.

Hey, uh, don't we need reindeer?
You know, Comet, Cancer,

- Flasher, Nixon?
- What? No. They aren't canonical, okay?

Reindeer didn't show up
in Santa's legends

until "The Night Before
Christmas," .

- It must run on rocket fuel.
- Nope. Christmas cheer.

All the goodwill running through the
world at this time of year, see?

Oh, except it's nearly empty.

It's got its own key!

It's got a candy cane key.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Careful, you don't need to show off.

Just take it nice and gentle.

Hey, hey, hey! Settle down.

Trying to get the hang of this bronco.

Don't break it! Don't break it!
Don't break it!

Ah! (GRUNTING)

I think I got it.

Whoa! Santa's goggles!

- Get in.
- I'm in.

- I'm already in.
- (ENGINE STARTING)

(SLEIGH SCREECHING)

STONE: Get ready to drop the
hammer and raise the throttle.

- Let this tiger bite.
- CASSANDRA: Stop calling it animals!

(CASSANDRA SCREAMS)

(STONE GRUNTS)

(ALL GRUNTING, GASPING)

Sorry. Should have took into
consideration the jet stream.

- Ha! Oh!
- Aah!

- You all right?
- You don't get to drive anymore.

What if she's used the door
and it's all gone wrong?

What... what if she's stuck
in nether space or in limbo?

Or what if she's used the door to steal
Christmas presents from around the world?

Mum! Mum?

Wow.

Huh.

I know they said Christmas has
gone commercial, but this...

is weird.

It's the Patron Saint of Thieves.

A family of thieves?

- Today is Thankstaking Day.
- Thankstaking?

It's a thieves' Christmas, all right?

It's... it's a darkened version of...
of the festive season, all right?

Where robbery and greed
are celebrated,

not giving, not generosity.

Saint of Thieves.

In stories,
it's like Santa's bad brother.

Huh. I can see
the familial resemblance.

- She's not upstairs.
- Guys, you gotta see this.

Guys, I found... I found the globe.

Oh! Oh, Ezekiel, crikey. You
nearly gave me a heart att*ck.

Having fun, are we, Mum?

Oh, these?
Uh, this is not how it looks.

Really? 'Cause it looks like
you've been using the magic door

to steal other people's
Christmas presents.

Okay, then it is how it looks.
So sue me.

Look, I've been
celebrating Thankstaking.

Greed is good.
You know, I got greedy. Good!

Guys, you gotta see this.

Cassandra Cillian. Mrs. Jones,
It's so nice to meet you.

Ezekiel has told us, well,
absolutely nothing about you.

I should hope not. I taught
him better than that. Tea?

Yeah.

Guys! Do you know what this is?

It's "The Concert" by Vermeer.

In , two men posed
as police officers

and walked into
the Gardner Museum in Boston

and stole this masterpiece, all right?

No one knows where it's been
for years.

I do. Mum, what have you done?

I quite liked it. Maybe in the loo?

Mum, this painting was stolen by the
most dangerous man in the world,

and you just stole it from him.

Well, with a magic door, he's
hardly gonna catch me, is he?

No, Mum, this man will.

This man you cannot hide from.

This man does not forgive.

Problem!

The globe is on fire.

That wasn't me.
It was like that when I got it.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(WHIMPERING)

I'm getting pretty good
at flying this thing.

(WHIMPERING)

We're coming up over Geneva.

- Brace!
- (ALL SCREAMING)

- (GROANS)
- That's it!

Next time, I drive.

- Ha.
- Okay.

So someone explain to me
what this bank is.

Well, legend has it
it's a bank for thieves

to protect their loot
from other thieves.

You can deposit what you want,
they don't ask questions.

It's guaranteed thief-proof.

Ezekiel, have you ever had
an account there?

No. I never held on to what
I stole for long enough.

Like that egg.

Mum, enough about the egg.
And it was a Fabergé egg.

I don't care what perfume you put
on it, love, it was a stupid gift.

Mum, don't.

So, where's this Bank of Thieves?

Here.

- Where's the door?
- Exactly.

Fancy a game of chess?

You don't know how to play chess.

Hmm.

Well, that's really not how you play.

STONE: Seems to be working for him.

- (GASPS)
- How'd you do that?

- You're in my world now.
- The chess pieces were the combination.

It's incredible.

Mum, once we're inside, I need
you to do one thing for me.

Don't call me by my real name.

- What's wrong with Ezekiel?
- Don't even say that out loud!

You're gonna draw a lot
of unwanted attention.

Why?

Because every no-gooder
has heard of Ez... of him.

Oh, please, you're talking
like my son's famous.

Unfortunately, he is.

(GASPS)

"Maintain the honor"?

Honor amongst thieves, I guess.

This is the one place thieves
cannot rob, steal, or k*ll.

What would happen if someone
got caught stealing here?

(GROANING)

(SCREAMS)

- (GASPS)
- They're liquidated.

Good luck on the adventure, kids.

Let me know how it all works out.

- (GROANS)
- Come on, Mum.

Depositing one Fabergé egg.
Total value, million.

You didn't tell me that stupid
egg was worth that much.

Google it, Mum!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Look at this. South American
cartel, Russian mafia,

the Chinese Triads.

It's like every flavor
of criminal in the world.

Why are they all twitching?

You silly girl. That's the ancient
thieves' language of Fingerthumbs.

We're all fluent in our family.

- Mm!
- (GASPS)

Careful, boy. If you don't
speak Fingerthumbs,

you don't know what
your hands are saying.

Scratching your earlobe at someone

is just about the rudest thing
you can say to a thief.

- Can I get a beer?
- Yes.

Looks like the vault's
one more level down.

- We're gonna need a clear-out.
- A what?

A distraction to get the
guards away from the doorway.

Stone, you speak Russian, right?

(CHEERING)

(CHATTERING)

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) _

_

_

I think this fell out of your pocket.

That's not my wallet.

That's my wallet.

Give that to me, thief.

Who you call thief, thief?

(GRUMBLING)

Maintain the honor.
Maintain the honor!

(GRUNTING)

Mum, you are here for one reason
and one reason only,

and that is to show me exactly
where you took that painting.

So that's no risks, no trouble,

and do not touch anything.

Look, the magic door put me
directly inside the vault.

Once we're in there, I'll know
exactly where to put this.

Oh!

Not so easy.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Maybe we should forget about this.

I mean, we can just leave
the painting right here.

I mean, you saw what they
did to people who steal.

Mum, we're not stealing.
We're putting something back.

All right, see that button over there?

Press that, it'll disable the alarms.

I'm gonna get there, turn it off,

and we'll have a clear path
to the vault.

How are you gonna get to that button?

By being me.

(GRUNTING)

- Huh.
- Watch out!

(GRUNTING)

How did you do that?

Everything I've seen today,

the wallet lift,
the laser dance, this,

with all those skills, how
come you're not a great thief?

Okay, Mum, why don't you tell me

which slip did you take
the painting from?

This one. .

Ah. All right.

- (ALARM BLARING)
- Huh?

Mum, the door! No, no, no, no, no.

No!

I don't get it, we did
everything right.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(DOOR OPENING)

Oh, no. It's him.

Congratulations.

Very few thieves ever get this far.

You have earned my applause for
your skill and your audacity.

No, really, it was... it was nothing.

Forgive me,
but you have the advantage.

I don't even know your names.

Uh, I... I'm Lenore Jones.

Ms. Lenore Jones.

- Mum!
- Thi... this is my son... Ezekiel.

Mum!

Ezekiel Jones?

The Ezekiel Jones?

I wondered when our paths
would finally cross.

Uh, we weren't stealing. We
were actually returning some...

Mum, shut up, okay? You've
got us into enough trouble.

Don't you speak to me like that.
Who do you think you are?

Ezekiel Jones, the greatest
thief in the world.

- What? Him?
- Which leads me to ask,

apart from being Ezekiel's mother,

who the hell are you?

I'm... I'm no one.

Precisely. And so I wonder, Mr. Jones,

how did a low-rent, low-class nothing

of a shoplifter like her

defeat the security of my bank?

She is not nothing.

Oh, she is the very definition
of the word, I'm afraid.

And yet she still broke in.

How?

I know how to keep
my gob shut, don't I?

Jones don't cr*ck.

(DEMONIC VOICE) How did you break in?

- With a magic door.
- Mum!

I'm sorry! I don't know why
that just slipped out.

(NORMAL VOICE) Why not use it again?

Mum, don't tell him.

(DEMONIC VOICE) Why?

Because it overheated
and then we had to us...

- Mum, don't!
- Go on.

- In Santa's sl...
- Mum! Shut up.

Tell me.

In Santa's sleigh.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

(NORMAL VOICE) The Vessel... is here?

Oh, you wonderful woman!

I take it all back.

You are the greatest thief
in the world.

- I am?
- Oh, you are.

For you have brought me something

I have been searching for
across unimaginable lifetimes.

Guards! Sweep the streets.

Find the sleigh and bring it to me.
(CHUCKLES)

Go!

How'd you do that with your voice?
You... you hypnotized her!

Uh, she's a thief. And all thieves
must answer me truthfully.

It is my right.

Just as Thankstaking is my day.

You find me at my most powerful, boy.

And soon, Santa's sleigh
shall be mine to destroy.

And then I'll finally have revenge
upon my accursed brother.

Oh, my God. You're the
Patron Saint of Thieves.

The Patron!

In the flesh.

(CHATTERING)

Clear the room!

Everyone must go. Now!

Out!

Everyone keep moving.

Bring it in.

We found this sitting
out in the square.

Stop!

They got Santa's sleigh.

Jenkins is gonna be so mad.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Having a good time, Colonel?

I'm trying to drown this all out.

So much for a relaxing time.

Is it just me or does Santa
have horrible taste in music?

Horrible. Look, I'm done.
Santa's driving me crazy.

Theses elves are driving me crazy.

- All I hear is this ringing in my ear.
- (PHONE RINGING)

- No, no, that's your phone.
- What? Oh.

- Oh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- (RINGING)

- Yeah, hello.
- Jenkins, hey, hi.

Remember when you said you didn't know
what you wanted to get me for Christmas?

Well, what I really want is for
you to help me with something,

and then not tell
Flynn and Baird that you did.

All right, Miss Cillian, explain.

We broke the door and we really need
to get it working again because...

well, don't worry
about that right now.

- Explain "broke."
- Well... hi, Jenkins.

Um, it overheated and then
it caught fire a little bit.

Caught fire?

All right, very well. I can
talk you through the repairs.

Okay. And then we need you
to do something else.

Something else you want me
to keep secret?

BOTH: Big time.

What's the point in destroying
Santa's sleigh?

No sleigh, no Christmas.

No Christmas, no Santa.

Ahh.

It's the only way to end him.

To make the children of the
world stop believing in him.

And then he shall just be a tired
old man fading into nothingness,

whereas I...
I shall be stronger than ever.

Sir, we found Santa's sleigh.

It's all because of you, Mrs. Jones.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

So, you're a world-famous thief, eh?

Yeah, I've been trying to tell you.

And... and you've broken
into banks and museums.

Yes, but I've given up that life now.

I'm your mother.

How come I didn't know
anything about this?

- Mum, because you never listen.
- You selfish child!

I took you in off the streets!
I gave you a home!

Made you part of my family.

And you had millions
of dollars in your hands?

Where's mine? Eh?

They're going to sing songs about you.

(CHUCKLES) The sleigh is here.

Now there's just one
little thing I need you to do.

You see, to destroy it,
I need to own it first.

It's a terms and conditions
kind of thing.

I need you to gift me the sleigh
willingly, you understand?

No tricks this time.

But I can only accept a gift
that has been stolen.

Then she can't gift it to you
because she didn't steal it.

I did, and I would never
gift the sleigh to you.

Ezekiel's actually right.

Unless, of course, I was to
steal it from him first.

There, nicked it.

Saint of Thieves,

I gift Santa's sleigh...

to you.

(CHUCKLES)

What are you doing? You said
they'd sing songs about me.

Oh, they will. Posthumously.

The penalty for breaking
into my vault is death.

I don't care who you are,
or in your case,

whose mother you are.

I'll be back to deal with you

once I verify the sleigh is real.

Thank you.

Okay, so now I know how
to fix the magic door,

but the magic door is in Australia,

and we're in Geneva,
which is not Australia.

You know how Jenkins does
that thing where he pops up

in the mirrors and the windows
and the picture frames?

- Yeah, the thing Judson used to do.
- Tell me, Cassandra,

how do you think he's able to do that?

- Magic?
- Yeah.

I can't believe you hid your
real life from me, Ezekiel.

Mum, we can talk about this later.

Right now, we need
to get out of these ropes

before the guards
come back and k*ll us.

Didn't you listen
to anything I taught you?

You hold tension in your body
when they're tying the knots.

That way, when you relax,
you got some slack.

- Yes, Mum, what do you think I'm doing?
- What do you think I'm doing?

- Finding the slack?
- Yep. Slipping the knot.

BOTH: Et voila!

So you did listen to me, hmm?

Of course I do, Mum.
I've always listened to you.

- Then why'd you cheat me?
- Cheat you?

- How did I do that?
- My share.

You must have made millions.
Where's my cut?

Yes, I stole millions,
but I never kept any of it!

Oh, baloney. Who doesn't want money?

It was never about the money!

I stole because it was an art,
and I was an artist.

I gave it all away.

So you gave away money
that could have been mine?

I gave it to people who needed it.

Mum, when I stole
the Sapphire of Qatar,

a hundred kids went to college.

When I robbed Fort Knox,
hospitals were built.

I've helped them build roads and dams,

and I've supported people,

people who couldn't support themselves

for no other reason
than they got unlucky.

That's why the Library
chose me in the first place,

and that's why I gave it up.

I give my talents freely now, Mum,

for the greater good.

A calling.

All that money?

You weren't just...

you weren't just a little bit tempted?

When you've got a lot, you share.

(ALL SNORING)

- (GHOSTLY MOANING)
- (SCREAMING)

- There's something in the mirror!
- What now? Oh!

(MOANING) I am the Ghost
of Christmas Future.

Christmas Ghosts!
I hate Christmas Ghosts!

It is not too late to make
amends for your terrible crimes.

Tell us. Anything!

Inside of your dining room,
there is an old globe

with a shocking amount
of new technology inside it.

(ENGINE STARTING)

That's the real deal. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, nearly out of Christmas cheer.

Once the needle hits zero,

you go to work.

And then it's God bless us, everyone.
(CHUCKLES)

(POWERS DOWN)

STONE: Hi, guys.

Bear here with me for a second
here 'cause I'm still...

I'm trying to get the language
of the Fingerthumbs down.

Now, let me see if I got this right.

What exactly does this mean?

(ALL GRUNTING)

Feels like I'm already fluent.

Oh, Mr. and Mother Jones,
we were discussing the matter

of your imminent demise.

Find them! Find them!

- You guys are late.
- Well, we got tied up.

Yeah, I'm betting you guys
have a plan.

Of course we do. We're Librarians.

Oh, genius! We're gonna push the
sleigh through the magic door.

Come on.

Oh, dear me. Dear me.

No, no, no, no. (CLICKS TONGUE)

No, that won't do at all.

You are going precisely
nowhere with my sleigh.

You have lost, Ezekiel Jones.

Christmas dies...

tonight.

Very disappointed in you, Ezekiel.

Is that your grand plan?

To push the sleigh
through a magic door?

Well, the door is not
for getting something out.

It's there to let someone in.

I'm so... am I late? I'm late.
I'm so sorry I'm late.

I got stuck in a conga line. Hello.

- This is for you.
- What is this?

A pink slip. A vehicle registration.

By the way, the sender
also included this note.

"My dear brother,

I am giving you a Christmas present...

my sleigh.

I gift it to you willingly and freely,

Santa Claus."

He's giving it to me?
I don't understand.

You see, the Patron Saint of Thieves
cannot accept a gift that is not stolen.

And this gift is given freely

by it rightful owner.

Which means you cannot accept it.

Not now, not ever.

The sleigh and Christmas
will always be safe from you.

Forever. You lose.

Big time.

You can't do this to me!

Not in my bank!

Not on my day!

It's not fair!

It's not fair! It's not fair!

It's not fair! It's not fair!

It's not fair!

It's so not fair!

Whoa. What happened there?

Well, I think the Prince of Thieves

just showed us his true face.

You know, it's been
my experience that behind

every egotistical blowhard,

there is a petulant, scared little boy

So, what do we do with it now?

I will bring him back to Santa.

Well, if you will excuse me,

I have a really terrible vacation

that I have to get back to.

Oh, oh, and... and...

my gift to the three of you

is that neither Baird nor Flynn

ever have to know anything about this.

Merry Christmas.
Come along, young man.

Excuse us. Love your gloves.

(POWERS DOWN)

All right, thank to Santa's act
of generosity to his bro,

the cheer-o-meter is full.

We can finally fly
this puppy outta here.

No, thank you. I have had
enough sleigh riding for now.

Mum! You will not believe
the night we've had!

We saw a... a ghost!

Boo.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Ah, guess we're good to go.

Mrs. Jones, it was, well,

not exactly a pleasure.

Hope to see you again soon.

My son has excellent taste in friends.

- Let's go.
- Oh, hey, uh, Stone?

Do you mind, uh,
taking the door as well?

Well, Mum, looks like we've got
one last sleigh ride to catch.

We do?

Come on. We've got a festival to fix.

We're going to give back every
last present that was stolen.

Return gifts to every grandpa...

mother...

and child.

Because that's what
this holiday is about.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

Caring for one another.

- Loving one another.
- (SOBBING)

But it's not just gifts
we'll be returning.

We'll be giving them back joy.

That's why giving is
always better than getting.

Whoo! Ho-ho-ho!

What a rush. You know, it's
exciting giving things, isn't it?

I mean, who knew?

- Let's go get the next load.
- Oh, uh, Mum, that's... that's it.

- What?
- There's no more presents.

What? No. No!

But I could have given so much more.

Oh, love, I... oh, my God.

I've lived such a greedy life,
haven't I, Zekey?

Oh, Zekey, I'm... I'm sorry.

Mum, you adopted four cuckoo children

who didn't have a place in the world.

You think all you taught us was greed?

You gave us love.

You gave us a home.
You gave us a life.

That is what I learned from you.

Merry Christmas, son.

Merry Christmas, Mum.

I love you, son.

I love you too, Mum.

A little to the left.

A little more. Perfect!

(GLOBE ACTIVATING)

Go, go, go, go, go!

- You're back!
- And not a minute too soon.

That is the last time I take your
advice about needing a vacation.

Point well taken, I concur.
Last time I take my own advice.

Miss Cillian, Mr. Stone,

how very good to see you
after all this time.

(WHISPERS) Merry Christmas.

BAIRD: So, how was everything here?

- Quiet.
- (SIGHS)

Wasn't this facing the other
direction when we left?

No. No, sir. I saw it was
pointing in that direction.

- No, I thought 'cause...
- Oh, no, sir. No, no, no.

I think you've had a little too much
eggnog, muddled your memory a bit.

Point well taken, I concur. You know,
I thought it would be a good idea

to take a vacation for the holidays.

- But as it turns out...
- Nothing beats being with family.

- Here, here.
- Who's up for more eggnog?

Maybe put up some decorations
in the main Library.

Perfect! And you can try on
the sweaters that I made you.

- ALL: Sweaters?
- Yes!

- Come on!
- (MUTTERING)