04x10 - And Some Dude Named Jeff

[bunniefuu]

BAIRD: Jenkins!

Where was the artifact found?

La Brea Tar Pits.

A volunteer at the
paleontology department

uncovered it by accident.

From the description of it,
sounds like the Osiris Stone,

which has the power to reanimate.

Which explains all the
saber-toothed tigers

running through the
streets of Los Angeles.

Jenkins, we need a door!

I grabbed some spears
from the weapons room.

I found some nets. Gosh, I hope they're
big enough for saber-toothed tigers.

Make that woolly mammoths.
Someone just Instagrammed

one of them crashing into a tour bus.

- (SCREAMING ON PHONE)
- We're gonna need bigger nets.

- Jenkins?
- Coming!

BAIRD: Jenkins, there you are.

We need a door to the La
Brea Tar Pits, buddy, now.

Yeah, sure. One door coming up.

Good luck, Librarians.
Hmm.

I don't think this is right.

Hello.

Anyone here?

Jeff Peppers.

Oh, my...

Oh, my dear God.

- Jeff!
- (GASPS)

What are you doing, Brad Pitt,

staring at yourself?

No, madame, um, you...

You overslept again, Jeff.

You gotta feed the babies.

I'm not him. He's not me.

And, after you're done,
I've got a list of chores.

I need you to fix that dish.
It's acting screwy.

I thought we could watch a
"Wheel Of Fortune" later.

Wait, madame, I beseech
you to listen to me.

Something horrible has happened...

Well, something horrible
is about to happen

if you don't get up those
stairs and feed the babies.

I will do no such thing...

Feed the babies! Feed the babies!

- I will not feed your bab...
- Get up there.

You know what your responsibility is.

- Listen... I know... I can't...
- Get in there.

All right, don't forget to clean all the
litter boxes and refill their bowls.

The eyedropper for poor little
Tessie's pinkeye is on the counter.

Otto's got ringworm again, so don't
forget to give him those suppositories.

(CATS MEOWING)

What are you waiting for?

I...

Uh...

Soap, soap, soap!

WOMAN: You want some breakfast?

No, I've gotta get to the library.

(CHUCKLING) Library?

- But you hate reading,
- Is that his car?

Jeff, what about my "Wheel"? You
promised you'd fix the dish.

Oh, God, what is that smell?

Just... come on!

Damn it.

(HORN HONKING)

Yo, dude! Jeff! Let's get a move on.

- Jeff!
- MAN: Jeff!

I am not...

Never mind, just pl... go.
Go away, please.

Hop in. We're gonna be late for work.

I'm not going to your work.

Ooh, playing hooky.

You gonna get in so much trouble.

MAN: Just call in sick.
It's what I do.

Who's gonna know?

Well, technically, I'm the assistant
manager, so I'm supposed to report it.

Dennis, please, I was talking.

- Where you need to go, Jeff?
- Yeah, we'll drive you.

Yes, fine. Take me to
St. John's Bridge.

- DENNIS: St. John's.
- Why, thinking of jumping off?

- (LAUGHING)
- Not a bad idea right now.

WOMAN: Want a Ring Pop?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Stop! Stop! Let me out of here.

Okay, well, we still on for later?

- No.
- Cool. See you then.

- Bye, Jeff.
- DENNIS: Feel better.

He's not sick, Dennis! God!

WOMAN: Pump it!

You, sir, are one sexy stud muffin.

Oh, wow.

Mm, thank you, book.

Thank you. (KISSING)

Oh, hey! All right.

The Librarians.
How was your adventure?

Good. Went really well.
No thanks to you!

You set the door to a port-o-potty

two feet from the Tar Pits.
We fell right in.

Uh, this stuff is really like sand.

It gets everywhere,
and I mean everywhere!

What's going on with you, Jenkins?
You never make mistakes like that.

Must've just had a senior moment.

But, hey, at least the
mission went well, right?

Uh, is that the artifact?

The Osiris Stone...

it's able to bring the
dead back to life.

That is so rad. Can I touch it?

Sure.

Awesome. Wow.

You feeling all right, Jenkins?

What? Uh, yeah.

Yeah, no, never better.

Yeah, just feeling like myself,

you know, Jenkins.

Jenkins being Jenkins. (CHUCKLING)

- (ALARM BLARING)
- Aah! What the hell?

Perimeter alarm.

Someone's trying to
get into the library.

Who is that?

VOICE: Fingerprint not recognized.

- Damn it.
- Voice pattern not recognized.

Oh, just... shut up.

Ah.

Colonel? Colonel, it's me.
It's Jenkins!

BAIRD: What's he doing?

I mean, he's clearly insane.

You gotta feel sorry
for him, don't ya?

Looks like a sad sack.

I don't know. I feel like there's
kind of a rugged handsomeness to him.

How...

Ah.

- Sorry. Need this.
- Hey!

Jenkins.

Oh, look. He's writing something.

- Hey! Whoa!
- What are you doing?

Jeez! Butterfingers, right?

Well, we're done with this guy anyway.

Look, you've seen one homeless guy
on bath salts, you've seen them all.

Now, tell me all about that mission.

Can you see it?

I'm Jenkins!

I am...

They don't know it's me.

Jeff, where have you been?

I just walked from St. John's Bridge.

Well, Lord, that's
over five miles away.

Actually eleven.

Well, now that you're back,

the toilet's been acting fussy again,

and I had to miss both
"Wheel" and "Steve Harvey."

Oh, and guess what? We ran
out of Werther's Originals.

Wait a minute. Where are you going?

I'm going to search his room,

try to figure out why...
how this happened.

- Whose room?
- Uh, just...

Wait, what about my
Werther's Originals, Jeff?

Good grief, woman, don't you
have some wretched husband

you can order about?

How could you say something like that?

Do you think it's been easy for me

living without your father?

His cancer just about destroyed me.

I'm sorry.

I miss him so much.

Right.

Excuse me.

MAN: Read it.
People just inform themselves.

- MAN : You're a dork.
- Actually, you're a dork.

- Hey, Jeff!
- Hey, Jeff.

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff!

You ready to play? We said after work.

I got Ring Pops.

Leave me alone, please.

- What about the game?
- Yeah.

So last we left off,

we were about to enter the
catacombs of the demon king

to find the golden treasure.

Jeff, D&D, we're waiting.

Excuse me, please. For the
last time, leave me be.

I do not want to play
your stupid game.

(IMITATES CAT SNARL)

Well, Jenkins is out.

Guess it's just you
and me, Jacob Stone.

Quite right, Cassandra Cillian.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
you know about the Librarians?

God, what is wrong with you?
He is seriously mental today.

WOMAN: They're our D&D characters.

We got Cassandra the Sorceress,

Stone the Ranger.

Baird the Warrior Princess.

Flynn the Wise Sage.

And Mr. Jones?

MAN: Ezekiel the Cunning Thief.

Sadly, he got eaten
by a tenth-level orc

a few weeks ago.

How do you know about them?

Dude, because of you.

You're, like, obsessed with them.

Did you forget your shrine?

What?

MAN: You know, I'm still on the fence

about whether they're real or not.

WOMAN: Librarians? Of course they are.

What about all those DOSA
files that Wikileaks dumped?

DENNIS: Oh, or those
articles by what's-her-name,

the reporter.

- MAN: Sarina Bhonsle.
- DENNIS: Yes.

- She retracted them.
- What?

She took them all back.

WOMAN: Or she was forced to.

(SING-SONG) Conspiracy.

- MAN: You had me at conspiracy.
- Oh, my God.

I'm, uh... (CHUCKLES)

really obsessed with Jenkins, huh?

Big time.

You said Jenkins is like an
immortal knight of Camelot.

- Percival, I think.
- No, Lancelot.

- Galahad.
- MAN: Galahad!

Who would want to be Galahad?
Arthur is way cooler.

(MUTTERING) So he switched
bodies with me on purpose.

The enemy is at the castle gates.

- (GROWLING)
- To battle!

(BARKING)

Your skills are impressive,
Black Knight.

Can you handle this?

- (YELPS, WHIMPERS)
- I meant to do that.

Yeah, you know, I meant to do that.

(BARKING)

Hey, Cassandra.

Sassy Cassie.

How you doing?

I'm good.

Uh, I guess I just...
Jenkins, I need to...

Ah, ah, ah, whoa, hey.

Hold that thought.

Water...

into wine.

Ha! How sick is that, right?

You want a pull?

- No, I'm good.
- Cool. More for me.

Ah, so... what's up?

I mean, to what do I owe this
splendiferous pleasure, Miss Cillian?

Um, I... I found this
book in the Annex,

and I've never seen it before,

and I can't find a file on it.

Oh, yeah, no, that's, um...

that's 'cause it's a new acquisition.

Yeah, from the s...

(MUMBLES) ...department.

- Oh.
- I was just about to file it away,

so don't you worry your pretty
little red head about it.

Okay. Great.

Hey, um...

I was just thinking,

if you weren't busy later,

you and me could go out

and double straw a margarita,

maybe talk about magic,

maybe... make some magic.

Excuse me?

What? No, nothing.

- No.
- No, no, I just...

- Yeah.
- Just kidding.

(CHUCKLES) Right.

- Yeah...
- Uh, I am going to put this puppy back

and, yeah, good talk.

Great. Okay.

- Yeah, Stoner, my man.
- (SMACKS BUTT)

Do you think... Do... Do you think

there's something off about Jenkins?

- 'Cause...
- Maybe.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.
- He did ask me earlier

if Baird was seeing anyone.

- Oh.
- I just figured it was a...

like a byproduct of him
dealing with mortality

or a delayed, delayed mid-life crisis.

Right.

Hiding place, hiding place.

Oh. Oh.

Ugh.

Gross.

Rats... skitter, skitter.

Bats... flying, flying, flying.

You make your way down
the castle catacombs,

slime oozing down the walls.

Suddenly you come
across a wooden door.

What do you do?

- We open the door.
- This is ridiculous.

It creaks open... Cree-eak...

revealing a glistening
mound of treasure.

But it is being guarded

by a great ten-foot tall cave troll.

Have I been acting odd lately?

- Have I come into contact with anything?
- The cave troll

opens its great mouth,

blood dripping from its fangs.

(SLURPS) What do you do?

(TOGETHER) att*ck!

- Roll for initiative.
- Ooh, yeah.

Roll for initiative.

(SIGHS)

Ha! Cassandra the
Sorceress goes first.

I cast fireball at the troll.

Oh, completely ineffective.
Does not work at all.

- What?
- What? She just rolled a .

The cave troll is wearing
a fire resistance ring,

so it's immune to fireballs.

Dude, always the fire rings.
It's the third campaign...

(OVERLAPPING ARGUING)

Who makes up this... Listen to me.

First of all, do you realize
how full this game is

of just inaccuracies
and misinformation?

Um, my fifth edition Monster
Manual begs to differ.

Yes, that is not...

First, no self-respecting castle

will hide its treasure

behind an unlocked wooden door.

That's just amateur hour.

And anybody that's anybody

knows that cave trolls
don't have fangs.

They have tusks.
Oh, and a fireball spell?

Do you realize how long it
takes to conjure one of those?

Days. A paralysis spell works in half
the time and is just as effective.

People, if we're gonna do it,
let's do it right.

I think he needs to be
the Dungeon Master.

No! Not this again.
I'm the Dungeon Master!

Dude, that was incredible.
He had the paralysis...

Listen. Wait, wait.

Is this what you do with your days,

just sit in this cellar
and play this game?

What is wrong with you?

Dude, you've been acting
like a total psycho.

- Yeah, ever since you found that book.
- I...

Book? What book?

Seriously, do you not
remember a single thing?

Did you get hit in the head?

Yeah, really hard. What book?

The one you got online
from the rare bookshop

that was being liquidated.

You wouldn't stop talking about it.

You kept on saying how it would
make a kick-ass monster manual.

It looked a little bit strange to
be a monster manual, if you ask me.

Wait, wait, what did it look like?

- I can probably look it up.
- What?

One second. Ah!

That's no monster manual.

That's the Asmodeus Grimoire.

It's the most dangerous
book in the world.

Asmodeus Grimoire?

Jeff, what are you talking about?

He bought the book. He
didn't know what it was.

Then he found out what it was,

and he used it to
exchange places with me,

not understanding the consequences.

Jeff, you're scaring me.

I've gotta break into the Library,

find the book if he still has...

how do I break into the Library?

Oh. Secret entrances.

I can't do that without help.

I've got to...

Get up. Let's go.

- What?
- Let's go.

Up. Out. Mush.

- Where are we going?
- Just go.

- What about the game?
- Don't worry about it.

I promised my wife I was gonna
stop at the Bed, Bath, & Beyond.

Yes, yes. I don't know what that
is, but it's gonna have to wait.

Come on. Go. Go. Get in the car.

Jeff, please.

I'm not going another step further

until you tell us what's going on.

Yeah! And what about the game?

Okay, this is going to sound
ludicrous to you, but...

I'm not your friend Jeff.

I am in reality Jenkins,

also known as Galahad,
Knight of Camelot,

and Caretaker to the magical Library,

which happens to be real.

The book that your friend bought

was not a toy, nor a fake.

It was an authentic spellbook

which he used to
exchange bodies with me,

apparently because he
was obsessed with me,

but when he did so,
he also unknowingly

released very powerful evil forces

that could wreak havoc,

and we must stop it
before it's too late.

- Okay.
- Makes sense.

- Totally.
- That's it?

No... "That's the craziest
thing we've ever heard, dude"?

Yeah. No, we figured something
like this was going on.

Yeah, it's just like that D&D module,

"The Sinister Body
Snatchers of Boldovia."

When do we start?

Uh, now. Let's start now.

Front entrance to the
Library is impenetrable,

protected by an elaborate
security system.

There is, however, a back door,

but to gain access to it,

one must first pass through a series

of booby-trapped chambers,

each more deadly than the last.

If you know so much about it,

why can't you just waltz in?

Yeah, why do you need us?

Because the chambers were designed

to prevent a single individual

from gaining access.

It takes teamwork.

(CLEARS THROAT)

But you know about the
booby traps, right?

You can get us past the booby traps.

No, the chambers are
constantly self-reconfiguring,

the puzzles inside, chosen
by the Library itself.

I have no idea what we'll face.

- Wow.
- All of you must help me

get to the back door.

In order to do this,

you must be trained

in the way of the Librarians.

You must become greater
than yourselves.

You're going to turn
us into Librarians?

No, that would take a miracle.

Let's begin.

(GRUNTING)

A Librarian must make
friends with danger,

must learn to fight with his, or her,

body and mind.

A Librarian is more than a person.

A Librarian is a shining beacon,

reminding us of the best
humanity has to offer.

Everything hurts.

Why did you make us do that?

- That was grueling.
- Hmm.

What are you doing over there?

Yeah, come on. Join us.

Have some of my famous
home-brewed mead.

It's cheap wine mixed
with Shasta cola.

- Ignore her.
- It's so good.

You'll love it.

It's been a very long time

since I partook in spirits. Hmm?

Good stuff, huh?

No, not at all.

(LAUGHING)

So are you honestly gonna sit there
and not tell us about Camelot?

We're D&D nerds. Spill.

Come on, what was Arthur like?

Bossy.

A bit vain, but a good king.

Was Merlin as cool as we think he is?

- Cooler than you can imagine.
- Aww!

To be a Knight of the Round Table.

I bet it was a lot like this, right?

Just sitting around, drinking mead,

telling tales of glory.

Well, I don't know so much about that.

I stayed to myself a lot.

But you're Galahad,

the finder of the Holy Grail,

nicknamed the "Perfect Knight."

But also the illegitimate
son of Lancelot,

not of true noble birth.

I always felt different
than the others,

even after joining the Library.

I'm neither Librarian nor Guardian.

It's...

sort of on the outside looking in.

I know what you're talking about.

I grew up an Army brat,

so we moved eight times in years.

I never lived a single place
long enough to call home.

You had it lucky.
I would've k*lled to move.

Beats sticking around, being picked on

by all the beautiful people.

Try dealing with a
family of overachievers.

Do you know what it was
like during Thanksgiving?

I was invisible.

To the outcasts.

Long may they reign.

Huzzah.

I will never drink
wine and Shasta again,

that's for sure.

Do you guys think this is too much?

Maybe I should go
home and change Ag...

No, stop it.
You've already changed twice.

No, no, no, no, honey.
We shouldn't be late.

I'm just gonna break into
the Magical Castle and...

Hang up!

We need to focus.

Come. We have to enter here to gain
access to the underground chambers.

Where? The tree?

Run directly into it.

It will transport you there.

It's an invisible door,

just like the train
station in Harry Potter.

Love it. (GROWLS)

- Now that...
- Uh!

Aurora, are you okay?

Please tell me one of you
guys got a picture of that.

That was awesome!

The entrance is here.

Get behind me.

Follow me in.

Now that was awesome.

- Whoo! Yeah!
- Oh, my God!

The door down there will take
us to the second chamber.

Tell me that did not just
come up out of the floor.

Interlocking pieces,
like part of a jigsaw puzzle.

So if we solve it, then we can cross.
Awesome.

Oh, well, I know puzzles
'cause I do them

- with my kids all the time.
- Wait! Don't...

(RUMBLING)

What was that? What was that?
What was that?

You set off one of the booby traps.

- Sorry.
- Each wrong move

makes the chamber
collapse a little more.

What are we gonna do now?

(HUMMING "POP GOES THE WEASEL")

- (SCREAMING)
- (BOX SHRIEKING)

(LAUGHS)

- Awesome.
- Hello, Jenkins.

Oh, well, if it isn't my favorite
math whiz/ synesthete/tumor survivor.

What's happenin', Red?

I just found this scroll I need
translated for an upcoming mission.

I couldn't find Stone, so I
thought maybe you could help me.

You w... you want me
to tran... translate?

Yeah. It's just a mix of Sumerian

and seventh-century archaic Latin.

Should be a breeze for you.
After all, you are Jenkins.

Yeah. Uh-huh, yeah.

Uh-huh, what... Did you...
Did you hear that?

Did you hear someone calling for me?

I think I heard...
Yeah, I'll be right there!

Translate the scroll, Jenkins.

Oh, sure. Yeah, not a problem.
Not a problem.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(GROANS) Boy, they...

sure make the font small
on these things, huh?

Okay. Um,

inter-way... is-yay... oming-cay.

- Pig Latin.
- I knew it.

- I knew you were a fake.
- What did you do with Jenkins?

Oh, please don't hurt me.

Tell us or we feed you to Nessie.

No, please. Wait, the
Loch Ness Monster's here?

- Start talking.
- Okay, all right.

Um, um, uh-uh...

Okay, my name is Jeff Peppers.

I'm a -year-old tech
from Circuit Town.

I found a book with magic in it,

and I used it to swap
places with Jenkins.

That's the book I was
telling you about.

I didn't mean to hurt anybody.

I just wanted to...

rent him for a little while.

You know, honestly,
I'm a really good guy.

If you guys ever find
yourself out by Circuit Town,

pop on in. I'll give you a discount.

Well, on anything other
than Apple products

'cause, you know, they don't really
give me that kind of pull...

Where's this book?

It's just over here.

I hid it underneath one
of your end tables,

which are beautiful, by the way.

Just show us the book.

Yeah, no, there it is.
See? No harm, no foul.

What is that? Are those hoof prints?

(ROARING)

AURORA: We've been
staring at this forever.

There has to be a way
to figure this out.

- Well...
- I know this.

- Uh...
- Schmidt, what are you doing?

Yeah, man, don't play around.

Twenty pieces, each a triangle.

Twenty pieces. Twenty triangles.

Mr. Schmidt, we cannot
afford any mistakes.

Trust me, guys. I got this.

It's an icosahedron.
How did you know that?

It's the one shape every D&D
player in the world knows.

-sided die.
Roll for initiative, b*tches.

- That was awesome!
- Dragon's fire, bro!

Dungeon Master, bro!

Mr. Schmidt.

Now, we have to turn these dials

exactly at the same time.

One, two, three.

This one looks fun.

- (SCREAMS)
- Oh, God! What is that?

Stop, stop, stop. Just stop.

Past intruders in the Library.

Many have tried. None have succeeded.

Let's get out of this chamber quick.

Would you please stop
setting off booby traps?

What is wrong with you? Have you
not seen "Indy : Last Crusade"?

Oh, is that the one with Shia LaBeouf?

SCHMIDT: No, Dennis!

- Gimme that boom.
- Excuse me?

The tiles. It's just like
"Dance Dance Revolution."

- What?
- It's this stupid dancing game

where you step on glowing tiles

that match a pattern.

These tiles are glowing
in a repeating pattern,

just like the song, "Gimme That Boom."

Watch.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Gimme that boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Gimme that boom, boom, boom

Holy roly poly, it's working.

Come on.

♪ Gimme that boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Gimme that boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Bang it with the bottom,
gonna make ya move ♪

Come on, Jenkins, dance.

- No.
- But you'll die!

Much preferred. Thank you.

Jenkins, you'll never
get your body back.

♪ Gimme that, gimme that, gimme that ♪

♪ That, that boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ We get dressed up,
put on the makeup ♪

Go, Jenkins! It's your birthday!

- Go, Jenkins!
- Come on, Jenkins!

- (GRUNTING)
- ♪ I can't stop this... ♪

(MUSIC STOPS)

Way to go, Sir Jenkins.

Well done. Well done.

But any of you ever mention this,

I will end you.

- Okay.
- Understood.

Aurora. Now, just like before.

- Whoa.
- Where are we?

If this is the final chamber,
then where's the door?

Maybe we did something wrong.

SCHMIDT: Maybe we're in a dream,

like inside the dream of some
giant sentient creature,

and when he wakes up, we'll wake up.

AURORA: Or we're in limbo,

and we got in a huge car accident

on the way here, and we all just d*ed.

- Or...
- Please, please, be quiet.

I'm trying to concentrate.

Don't worry, Sir Jenkins.
We will find a way out of here.

Oh, God, I don't think so.

I don't think we can dance
our way out of this one.

Hey, she's just trying to be positive.

I was an idiot thinking I could
train you as Librarians.

It's impossible!

And now here we are. We're stuck.

Stuck in this room.

I am stuck in this body.

It's no use.

Oh, God.

It's...

(GROANS) Hopeless. It's hopeless.

Mr. Jenkins.

There's this bedtime story
I often tell my kids.

Oh, God.

It... It's about a bunny

that gets lost on his way
home from the dark wood,

and he gets so scared, so frightened,

that he wants to just curl up
in a little ball and give up.

But then he remembers what
his mother always tells him.

No matter how dark things look,

just keep hopping and
you'll find your way home.

Just keep hopping.

Just keep...

- (THUD)
- ...hopping.

Just keep... hopping.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Just keep... hopping!

Hopping!

And hopping!

Find your way home!

AURORA: We made it.

That last chamber was a
test of perseverance.

Thank you, Dennis.

And thank you all for
bringing me this far.

But here is where we must part.

You mean, we can't go in?

No. The Library must stay
a magical secret place.

It cannot be shared with the public,

despite what your friend Jeff thinks.

Go to his house,

and if all turns out well,

you'll soon have your
friend back to normal.

May I borrow your sword?

Would you three take a knee, please?

In the name of the ancient gods,

and to all the ancient kings,

I dub thee three honorary
knights of Camelot.

Rise, knights.

I have fought beside the
greatest of warriors,

but none braver than you.

(CHUCKLES)

Now, go.

I have an evil book I must find.

Mr. Stone. Mr. Stone.

Ezekiel. Cassan...

Colonel?

Colonel. Colonel.

(CLATTERING)

(CLATTERING)

Show yourself!

Oh, thank God.

I thought that thing was back.

You thief!

Oh, crap. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You stole my body!

Yes, yes, I did, but it was
just for a little while.

I promise I was going to give it back.

- Liar!
- No, I'm telling the truth.

I told the Librarians about the book,

and I was taking them to find it

when this monster, it came out
and it att*cked us, and I hid.

You think that was bad?
Wait till I get hold of you!

- Please, please, please.
- How dare you!

Stop! Just stop. Please, please stop.

I screwed up. I used the book,

and I got in way over my head.

I didn't mean for any
of this to happen.

- (GROANS)
- I'm so sorry.

That thing. What was that?

That is Asmodeus, one of
the Seven Princes of Hell.

Centuries ago, Merlin entrapped
him in that spellbook.

But by you using it, you unknowingly

released him back into the world.

- Your friends, are they...
- They're...

They'll be fine.

It's just a form of hibernation.

Asmodeus' power is limited for
now, but I must find him.

I must entrap him again,
and to do that,

I must be in my own body.

- So give me that book back.
- You wanna switch back now?

If I'm to fight a Prince of Hell,

I can't do it in this...

short, slightly overweight body.

I need to be in my own skin.

- But I like being you.
- Jeff!

You saw my life. You
saw how much it sucks.

I mean, I live in my mother's
basement, for Christ's sake.

My life is not yours to take.

I know. I know.

It... It...

It's just...

You had to be me for a couple of days.

I have to be me forever.

Not long ago, I made a decision

to become mortal.

My choice. I... I did it willingly,

but I will confess that
I was not prepared

for what it would be like
to actually be human.

And I've been struggling,
truly struggling,

with the idea of growing
older, the limitations,

and having to go into the world

dealing with people?

There are a lot of awful
people in the world.

Do you know that? But I
think I'm coming to realize

that I've been concentrating on
the negative a little too much,

because on the other side
there are wonderful,

amazing things in this
life, in your life.

You have phenomenally
faithful friends,

you have a loving mother,
and you have food.

Yeah, food is good.

Food is delicious.

Yeah.

And so there are beautiful
things in life,

in your life,
and we have to embrace it all.

Because, really, what's the
point of having a life

if one does not live it fully?

If I have followed
this recipe precisely,

this should do the trick.

- Ugh, it smells rank.
- Eh? It... well,

it can't be any worse than your
friend Schmidt's homemade mead.

Down the hatch.

I could use a chaser.

Ooh.

Hey, what's going on?
Why do I still look like you?

Perhaps the potion has
a delayed reaction.

Oh, okay. So what? Do we just
sit here and wait it out?

No, no, no. We have no time for that.

For every minute
Asmodeus is out there,

he gains in strength.

Fortunately, we have
something he needs.

When Merlin first captured Asmodeus,

he took some of his
power as a precaution

and contained it within a gem stone

which Merlin then hid inside the book.

Sort of a hide-in-plain sight thing.

So as long as I have the gem stone,

Asmodeus will not be fully powerful

and I can defeat him.

There's no... Where's the gem...

there's no gemstone.

This gemstone, um, was it...

kinda small, sort of a reddish color?

- Oh, Jeff, no.
- Look, I didn't know.

It was just sitting
there inside the book.

What did you do with it?

(STAMMERS) You know, I...

- I s...
- Sorry, you did what?

- I sort of gave it to my mom.
- You gave it to your mom.

Look, it was her birthday,
and it sort of looked

like a cubic zirconia,
so I figured, why not?

So I just gave it to her and then...

I just don't wanna piss her off.
I mean, you know my mom.

She can be a bit of
a ballbuster, so...

Listen to me, Jeff. Asmodeus will
be looking for that gemstone,

so if it is with your mother...

That's where Asmodeus is heading.

And she and your friends
are in grave danger.

What do we do?

We take the battle to him.

Now, when we get inside, stay close

be prepared for anything.

- I'm scared.
- You should be.

Mom? Schmidt?

- Asmodeus?
- What are you...

- You don't call for the Prince of Hell.
- Right.

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

- (WOMAN SOBBING)
- (SNARLS)

(ROARS)

(GROWLING)

Back, foul beast! Get the gemstone.

She'll be safe without the gemstone.

Hurry! Hurry!

- JEFF: Mom, are you okay?
- MOTHER: What's going on?

What's wrong with that man's face?

Mom, I need the gemstone.

No, tell him to get his own.

Mom, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Got it!

Time to go!

- (ROARS)
- Bye, Mom!

Come. Come. Come.

We'll lure him back to the Library,

trap him there.

(SHOUTS)

Damn it.

Oh! To the basement.

Go. Go. Go!

Oh, my God, my friends.

Oh, my God, this is all my fault.

I did this.

God, I'm such a schmuck.

We don't have time for this.
He will find us.

What if we just give him back the
gemstone, apologize, be like,

"Asmodeus, we're really sorry
that we took your gemstone"?

You wanted to be a Knight of
Camelot. Now is your chance.

Fight.

- I'm scared.
- Well...

Oh, God! No, no, no, no!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Jeff! Get out here and fight!

Hey, zombie face!

You want this?

(SNARLS)

You shall not pass!

(GROWLS)

Okay. No, I'm just kidding.
You can have it.

You can have it. I don't want it.

Take it, please. Just take it.

Take it. I don't want it.

(LAUGHING)

Well done.

You fought well.

Yeah. Well, it's easy when
you're Galahad the brave knight.

Take a look in the mirror.

I did this?

As myself?

Like a true knight.

We switched back when we
came through the magic door.

Oh, I think I'm gonna puke.

- Oh.
- (JEFF RETCHING)

Jeff, is that really you?

- Dude!
- Hey, what's up, guys?

Dude!

(LAUGHING)

JEFF: Oh, my God,
I have so many stories.

AURORA: It was amazing.
We got knighted.

(ALL CHATTERING)

I wasn't even scared.

I found Poseidon's Trident.

Jeff was roasting
marshmallows with it.

Still better than what he was
doing with the Shroud Of Turin.

Good Lord, how much
damage can one man cause?

We're just happy to have you back.

What about you, mate? You still
haven't told us what it was like.

Yeah, it must've been awful, huh,

hanging out with the common folk?

Actually, you know, people aren't
bad if you give 'em half a chance.

They can be quite delightful.

I have an appointment
I have to get to.

I think I'll drive.

Did he just say people
could be delightful?

Wonders never cease.

So that mind flayer?
He, like, melted his brain.

- Yeah, my favorite.
- That was so good.

I just replay that over and over.

- Hey, Jenkins!
- Jenkins!

JEFF: What's up, dude?
You're just in time.

We're just about to fight the
acid-spewing black dragon.

First of all, black dragons breathe
fire. They do not spew acid.

- He's so good.
- And I brought your mom

a nice big bag of Werther's Originals.

- Aww, thanks.
- And you know what?

If I'm gonna continue
playing with you guys,

I need to be Dungeon Master.

- Agreed.
- What? No.

- Dude, come on.
- I'm moving. I'm moving.

Dude, dude, I can't have
you playing this game

with all of these inaccuracies.

Fine, but my character gets to
have the ring of fire resistance.

- Yes! Happening.
- Another ring?

- Ring of fire... every time.
- No. It's not a real thing.

Shh. Okay, danger.

The moat? It is dark.

But you must cross it.