03x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

You're telling me you're
getting a case of cold feet?

I love her more than anything
but I cannot marry her...

Woody!

..on account of the fact
that I'm already married!

So it's just a matter of finding her
and just getting a quickie divorce.

Without Tracey finding out.

Hello, Jeff.

I'm getting married again. That
means I need to divorce you,

which means that I need
you to sign some papers.

Well, if you want me to sign them,
then you have to bring them here.

- Tell Tracey.
- Nup.

Move on, George. Get with the program.

What happened to honesty
being the best policy?

Sean's web of deceit is actually
very well put together.

- A conference?
- Yeah. In Sydney.

- We've only just found out about it.
- I think you should go.

- Operation Divorce Mary is a go. Yay!
- Whoo-hoo!

I really love you. You know that, eh?

Woody, it's just a conference.

What are you doing?

I thought I'd document our
little odyssey anyway.

Yes, that'll really help
us keep it a secret.

Woody, wake up.

- I don't want to.
- There's tea here.

- Tea's good.
- Don't talk to me, George.

I'm not worthy, mate.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
- Oh. How's the jetlag?

It's the least of my worries.

Well, at least we made it
out of Australia alive.

- Well, that's debatable.
- Hey, check your email.

I couldn't sleep. You know,
the stress, the time zone,

the nightmares of venomous creatures.

So I used this discombobulating state to

- go ahead and cut together the film.
- Got it.

And I can't hear anything because...

- It's an artistic statement.
- You messed up the sound.

My art speaks its own voice, George.

It speaks its own voice.

"The best-laid plans of mice and men."

What does that actually mean?

The mouse Robert Burns wrote
of in his poem built a house,

which could never be destroyed.

Until the farmer drove a
bloody great plough over it.

- You know this is completely bonkers.
- Yep.

No. Hey, we're on the road to victory.

Jan, George has planned
this meticulously.

- Oh, so this was your idea?
- No. It was not.

The Australasian Registered
Solar Engineers Symposium?

- You know that spells...
- 'Arses'. Yep.

Yeah, but sounds flash, though.
If this place was real, I'd go.

Smiler. What are you doing?

We are in Sydney, home of the
Sydney funnel web spider.

They don't usually favour
the modern office block

as their natural habitat.

Well, then we must smile for Tracey.

- Huddle up and say 'platypus'.
- OK.

- Alright, one, two, three.
- Platypus!

- Gotta get to the conference.
- For an Outback quickie divorce.

♪ I like rain ♪

♪ Falling on my window ♪

♪ I like rain ♪

♪ I like rain ♪

♪ Splashing on the roof ♪

♪ I like rain... ♪

You haven't moved in three hours.

It's raining outside.

We're doing what sane
people do on a wet weekend.

Binge-watching the Top
Zombie Movies of all Time.

Yeah, you can hang if you want.

It's OK. I'd rather
poke sticks in my eyes.

Which, as it turns out, happens
quite a lot in zombie films.

I might go out.

Uh... it's raining.

Well, I can't sit in here all
day watching you two lovebirds.

[ALERT]

Hey, babe. Just had a few hours
to k*ll so caught up with Jan.

Picking up the rental car,
then down to business...

[ALERT]

Oh, god.

It's very unusual weather
for this time of year.

- Good for the garden.
- Maybe. But it feels portentous.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Tracey, hi.
- OK, we have a problem.

- 'We'?
- You know how I said

that we didn't need to worry about
updating your teaching licence?

Well, the Ministry is
staging a crackdown

on unlicensed relief teachers.

- OK.
- We need to get your paperwork in by

Monday, which means we need you
to do your police vetting today.

Oh. Right.

I've talked to Hannah and
she's happy to do it.

You just need to turn up at the station.
It's just a formality.

Sure. Yeah, OK. I'll do that.

Thanks.

I'm off for a run.

You know it's still
raining outside, right?

Beats watching mindless splatter.

Bye, zombies.

I was about to knock. And you appeared.
Synchronicity.

Ollie. What are you doing here?

I heard about your dad
going to that conference.

- Awesome.
- It's just a conference.

Yeah, I wondered if you needed
anything while he's away.

It's only two days.

- Just wanted to make sure you're OK.
- I'm fine.

- Actually, I was just off for a run.
- In the rain?

Hey, do you want some company?

You're not really dressed for running.

Oh, no, I've got my stuff in the car.

- Always like to be prepared.
- Ah.

- Sure. Why not?
- Yeah, cool.

You OK?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, totally.
- Sorry?

Just, I've just forgotten how
beautiful the Outback is, that's all.

What's that book you've
got there, Smiler?

'The Continent of Death'.

A cautionary tale, eh?

"The most vicious, venomous
and poisonous creatures"

on the planet reside here.

"Right now they're all around us."

Like the Irukandji jellyfish.

"The size of a fingernail but
a sting ranks as the most

intense and excruciating
agony known to mankind."

Smiler, we are miles
from the ocean here.

It says that they can hitch a ride
on the back of a saltwater croc.

Well, I guess, before you
get stung by the Irukandji,

the croc would probably
eat you anyway, hey?

Little comfort there, George.

If you survive the sting, you're
left wandering the planet

in a state of impending doom.

♪ Across the dessert ♪

♪ Across the lake. ♪

- OK. Righto. Here we go.
- Remember, Woody.

We go in. We get her to sign the papers.
We walk away.

- That's all we're here to do, right?
- Yeah, totally, George.

I'm all over it, mate.

We can't allow ourselves
to get distracted, right?

No, in and out like a robber's dog.
That's us.

- Good.
- OK.

She's a woman, though. You know,
she's used to distractions.

They do things in a strange way.

Hey, Woody, Woody, Woody. Wait, wait!

Smiler, come on, can you
not do that, please?

Nah, I have to keep filming
otherwise I might miss the reunion.

It's a very important scene in the film.

We're only supposed to
be filming the bits

that feed the lie we're living.

Yeah, that's for the
director's cut only.

Yeah, well, in that case, keep an eye
out for the eastern brown snake.

They live around these parts.

- All good?
- Yeah. Yeah, we're good.

- Busy day.
- Yeah.

Well. Hello, Jeff.

- Mary.
- Actually, it's Rose now. Remember?

OK.

Um...

One minute.

Woody? Do we have a problem here?

Those memories, mate. They just...

They just... They're flooding
in like a tidal wave of, uh...

- Memories?
- Yeah, spot on, George. Spot on.

Me and Mary, mate, we... we... we...

We had some good times. And she...

She's just as beautiful as she ever was.

OK.

I can understand how this must
be very confusing for you.

It is.

But, we've got to remember
what we're here for.

- Yeah.
- A very important reason.

- Yes. Yes, George, I know. I know.
- And that reason is?

- Woody?
- Yes, Tracey. Tracey.

- Yeah, the woman you love now.
- Yes.

So we need to go back in there and...

Robber's dog. Robber's dog. OK.

This one's on me, Smiler.

Oh, bless you, Mary, also known as Rose.

So... it's been a while.

- About years, to be exact.
- Right.

- Hello?
- Hi.

Oh, yeah, sorry. This is my friend,
George. George, this is Mary.

- Hi.
- Sorry, Rose. Rose Mary.

Jeff. Woody.

Yeah, let's make this easier
like the old days. Mary.

Got it. Well, you look great.

- You're not too shabby yourself.
- Thank you.

It's a nice pub you've got.

- Thanks. Yeah, it gets us by.
- Um...

Oh, yeah. Oh, we should
probably do the, uh...

Get the papers started. Um...

Yeah, look, I might have more

of a chance to look over
these when we're less busy.

But for now, you guys probably need
a feed, after such a long trip.

No, we should probably
get back on the road.

- They've got kangaroo burgers!
- Uh-huh.

- I'm curious.
- OK. Three burgers?

- Oh, yeah, that'd be great, yeah.
- Alright.

Whet your whistle and
I'll spark up the grill.

Sounds good.

- What happened to robber's dog?
- She's nice!

And she's generous and, if
you don't mind me saying,

she's easy on the eye.

And, you know, it might
be culturally offensive

- not to try the local cuisine.
- Yeah, what's the big deal?

- We don't want to be rude, do we?
- Yeah.

Alright. We eat,

we sign the documents and then
we get out of here. Alright?

- Outta here.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Robber's dog.

Hello.

Hi.

- Hi.
- G'day.

I'm guessing it's you.

- Me, what?
- The one that's my dad.

Um, sorry. I think you might have
me confused with someone else.

Love, that is him.

Mum says you're my dad.

I'm Poppy.

Your dad?

- Alright, um...
- Ah, just one more.

- Did you just... George, did you...
- Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, man!
- What, you didn't know about this?

What? Of course I didn't!

Well, it's not something
that slipped your mind?

- Like, you know, being married.
- No, mate!

Having a kid isn't something
that you're gonna forget. Oh!

Well, then,

it appears you have a daughter.

Oh, no.

Oh...

Honestly, I am so glad
that you can do this.

Having a relief teacher I can
rely on will be, well, a relief.

- That's me. I hope.
- Right.

OK, so, to save time, just take
this and have someone sign

her off as a character witness.

- Got it.
- And everything will be hunky dory.

Right. So do I just
have to sign something?

Yes. But first, we just have to scan

our records for your police file.
Then I can sign your clearance off

- as the upstanding citizen you are.
- Right.

I love my job. Don't tell anyone but
I know some things about people

that I should not know.

- Oh.
- OK.

- Whoa! I've got the burn on.
- Need a break?

Yeah. Cramps.

Didn't warm up properly.

So, where'd you get those legs from?

- Sorry?
- You've got great legs.

- Running legs.
- Right.

Yeah, well, they've got staying power.

You could give a guy a
run for his money, eh?

Time to get home.

Something wrong with your burger?

Nah, nah, nah, it's great. It's great.

I just, uh, guess I'm not
that hungry after all.

Oh, probably just jetlag, making
certain things hard to digest.

But don't worry, your fine
gastronomy won't go to waste.

- Can I get anyone anything else?
- No, I think we're all OK, thanks.

OK. Sweetie, why don't you grab some
plates, maybe get another round?

Thank you.

Look, um, I did try looking for you

after you dropped off
the face of the Earth.

- It was New Zealand.
- Enough said.

Look, I had no idea I was pregnant
when we went our separate ways.

I swear.

Yeah, you mean when you drove off and
you left me at that servo in Tambo.

OK, I feel like the blame
was really on both sides.

Yeah, always both sides.

- But never your side.
- Woody...

Woody, Mary's trying to explain.
Just give her a chance.

OK, we were both really young.

I was barely two years
older than Poppy is now.

When you eloped?

Ran off.

Yeah, well, we had to,
with parents like yours.

They actually softened up quite
a bit after Poppy came along.

Yeah, I'll believe that when I see it.

That's not really likely now.

Yeah, right.

- Sorry about that.
- It's OK.

Look, they left me some
money when they d*ed.

I was able to buy this pub and put
some money in a trust for Poppy,

so there's a future there.

I'm not asking for
anything from you, Woody.

I'm just telling you like it is.
And it's OK.

I'm going to get you guys another round.

Well, this is me. See ya later.

That was fun, right?

We could make it a regular thing.

I'm really wet. And cold.

Oh, Shay. I've got to get to the
petrol station to go to work.

Could I have a shower
to clean myself up?

There might not be any hot water left.

Arlo and Lindsay will have hogged it.

I'm OK with a cold shower, so...

Hey, Arlo, I'm back.

With Ollie.

They might be busy.

Or just gone out.

Bathroom's down there. You
can have the first shower.

Guests first.

- Towel?
- What?

Where do you keep your towels?

- The cupboard.
- Right. Makes sense.

The system has picked up an
outstanding fine of .

A court-ordered fine, which
dates back quite a few years.

Ooh, a criminal record. You bad-ass.

I thought that issue
had been put to rest.

So did I.

The altercation was dealt with
in court, if I remember rightly.

It wasn't an 'altercation'.
It was just a silly incident.

Oh, was this the Beetroot Incident?

Yes, the Beetroot Incident.

It was you, rooting my guy,
behind my back. Shag, hump, root.

- Whatever you call it - you did it.
- You want root, you take this!

See, now, that is as*ault.

I thought they let you
off with a warning.

- Yeah, so did I.
- Well, clearly not.

- Why didn't you pay the fine?
- I didn't know there was one!

But you went to court.

I was so mortified just being
there, it was like a blur.

I pled guilty.

And the judge said something
and, between feeling blurry

and embarrassed and him mumbling,
I never made out what he said.

God. Now I've got to tell Tracey,

"Sorry, but I didn't
pass the police vet."

No, just pay it and be done with it.

Except I've got, like, to my name

until my teaching money comes through.

- So I'm kind of stuck.
- I'll loan you the cash.

Oh, no, you don't have to do that.
It's my mess.

Yes, but, you know, Tracey
doesn't need this drama.

Especially if the whole fake
conference thing implodes on itself,

which, let's face it... Oh.

I mean...

So is Woody not at a conference?

You know, when I woke up this
morning, George, I wasn't a father.

And then suddenly, I've just
become a father because, actually,

I was already a father.

How the hell am I meant to
get my head around that?

Unsure, but I don't think getting
angry about it's going to help.

Oh, well, excuse me, but finding out
you have a -year-old daughter

when she's is about
years too late.

- Mary did try to find you.
- Yeah, well, not hard enough.

We found her, didn't we?

Woody, you're gonna need
to move through this.

Mary isn't expecting anything from you.

No-one is asking you to
do anything radical.

But it's how you react that is going
to matter, especially to Poppy.

Yeah, but this is a
life-changing moment, mate.

I know. And that's why you're going
to have to take things slowly.

But whatever you decide to
do, you need to remember

there is a young woman out there
who wants to get to know you.

Yeah, but how is she
going to get to know me

when I don't even know
what to say, mate?

Well, I don't know, start back at
the beginning, with a 'hello'.

Hello. G'day.

Yeah, OK. Yeah, that makes sense.

Alright, can we just hurry up
and please get this photo done?

Only if you put your pants on first.

Hey? Right. Um...

ARSES!

- There you go.
- Let's see it.

No, if I'm not mistaken,
this says, 'three men

going to a cocktail party at a
solar energy conference', hey?

Wow. When you guys commit to a lie,
you really go there, don't you?

- Thank you.
- Hey, um, is Poppy around?

So that, you know, I could
have a bit of a talk?

Yeah. I reckon she'd love that.

She's out the back.

OK, great. Awesome.

Awesome.

I might just get some
fresh air first, yeah.

Woody. You're already outside.

- Yep. Yeah.
- Woody?

- I can't do this.
- What?

- You can do this.
- But I know the secret.

You know what I'm like with secrets!
Why did you tell me?

Just forget about the thing I told you

and focus on what Tracey needs most.

You as a relief teacher.

Yeah, but he's lying to her and I know.

I can't handle lies.

Better to think of it as not so much
a lie, rather an alternative truth.

There was a slight hold-up
with the official screening.

But, that was handled very
officially, I might say.

So I am pleased to report

that the renewal of the teaching
licence can proceed as planned.

Oh, thank god. I am so glad.

- Me, too.
- [BEEP]

Ooh, could be news
from across the ditch.

Aw! Don't they look swished up?

Smiler's gone for the
cultural look, I see.

Charmer.

'En-route to cocktail party'. Oh, I
hope Woody doesn't drink too much.

Yeah, true. He might start blathering.

No, dancing. He's a terrible dancer.
But a lovable one.

- Oh.
- Go. Now.

OK, what is with her?

- Just us.
- Hi!

Sorry to barge in.

No, no, no, it's good to see you.
I missed you guys.

- Really?
- Working in real estate, that's not

the greeting I'm used
to, but I'll take it.

Now, pleasantries aside,
we're on a mission.

- Do you have a tarp, by any chance?
- A tarpaulin?

- A big one.
- To cover a house.

- I'm pretty sure we don't. Why?
- Hey, can I chuck these in the dryer?

Ollie.

You look... fit.

Ollie dropped by and we
went for a run together.

In the rain?

That's firefighter-level commitment.

I didn't know you were a runner.

There's a lot of things
you don't know about me.

But lots of other things I do.

Um, I better get to work.

Can I chuck these in a
plastic bag instead?

Yeah.

Smiler, I'm not in the mood, mate.

You're at the turning point
of the hero's journey.

You know, where he's hit
rock bottom but then he

finds a path to redemption
by fighting, or by fleeing.

The only path I can see is the one
you're sharing with that scorpion.

I'm thinking here, mate.

Sorry. I'll let you be.

Woody's overthinking
used to drive me crazy.

In an 'I love you but you
drive me crazy' kind of way.

Well, it's fair to say he's
been completely blind-sided,

so you can hardly blame him.

I get that.

When I heard his voice
on the phone, I thought

it was finally time for Poppy to
meet the man behind the stories.

I wanted her to know that he was real.
That he is real.

And not a bad bloke.

No, not a bad bloke at all.

We just... We got married too young.

Do you still love him?

Everybody loves Woody.

You didn't answer my question.

You don't need me to.

- Why?
- Come on.

You write about this love stuff
in your column all the time.

Do you get that out here?

Yeah, we do have internet
out here, George.

I recognise you from your picture.

It's pretty funny to find
out that that useless

builder you were banging on
about was actually Woody.

- It was.
- Small world, huh?

Yep.

And for Woody, it's about
to get a whole lot bigger.

Yeah, well, he's a big boy.

Hey.

Hey, g'day.

Pops, yeah?

Poppy.

So... you're my daughter.

How weird is that?

That is so weird.

That is so weird.

Come on, Woody, let's do this.

- Hey.
- Hi.

You having problems?

Nothing I can't handle.

Oh, OK.

You've got some sweet tools there.

Birthday presents, most of them.

Birthdays, yeah, right.

Is the door sticking, is it?

I'll give you a hand if you like.

Back home, I'm actually a builder, so...

Well, I'm a builder here, too, 'cause

it's not like it's one of those
things that you're suddenly not when

you travel, you know what I mean?

I've planed it back, replaced the
hinges, sanded back the sill...

- What, you've done all that?
- It's no big deal.

Out here, you've gotta
turn your hand to stuff.

Yeah, cool. Yeah, well, it
makes you self-sufficient, eh?

Yeah, we've had to be, me and Mum.

Yeah, right.

Well, you know what I say?
If you can't swing a hammer,

then you can't swing
your way through life.

So, mate, I reckon you've got
yourself pretty sorted, eh?

Oh, hang on a sec.

I think this might be
your problem, right here.

See that?

Yeah, it's bowed out a little bit.

Um, just - can you chuck
us that level, please?

Ta.

Yeah, see? She's a little bit off.

- It's a major.
- Nah, nah, nah, we can handle that.

Have you got a chisel in there?

We're the victims of
Woody's incompetence.

Is this about the tarpaulin?

I made a commitment to solar power.

So I thought, "What better way
than to turn our house into a"

show home for Woody's handiwork?"

The panels require batons
to be attached to the roof.

So, Woody drills all the
holes for the batons.

Then went to Australia.

Then it starts to rain. I used
to like the sound of rain.

It has a certain poetic rhythm.

Oh.

Thanks to Woody, our house is a sieve.

Thus the need for the tarp,
to help stem the interior,

rain-like conditions.

That's a bummer. But, we don't have one.

Well, thanks for the tea.
Come on, daughter.

Into the elements.

We can doss down at Dad's. At Grandpa's?
Are you kidding?

Well, there is room at the inn there.

And psychological abuse.

Every time we stay, he
treats you like a sl*ve.

When you've finished there, the
Japanese lawn needs a manicure.

When you're finished there, the
XJ needs a cut and polish.

When you've finished there,

why not use that cloth to wipe that
muck off your daughter's face.

That blows. He's a
totalitarian dictator.

What about the kombi van? Or
maybe we could stay here.

A safe haven from both
damp and oppression.

Sure. Why not? Dad's away.

I could park the kombi van outside,
use the facilities in here.

I think it's a win-win
in many ways, don't you?

You wear pretty flashy
clothes for a tradie.

Oh, these aren't my usual strides.

Nah, I'm more a boardies
kinda guy, myself.

So why are you all dressed up?

Oh, 'cause I'm supposed
to be at a conference.

Well... that's what my
fiancee thinks anyway.

Why?

Because I forgot to tell her that
I'm already married to your mum.

So I need to get unmarried
without her knowing so

she doesn't freak out and, you know,
doesn't want to marry me anymore.

How come you forgot to tell her?

It was, like, a really long
time ago and I just find that

there's only so much room in my
brain for stuff, so sometimes...

You discard stuff. I do that. Mum
thinks I deliberately do it.

Yeah, but you don't mean to forget.

You just discard it because you
don't need it anymore, right?

Yeah, 'cause other
stuff's more important.

Yes. Right, it's like... OK, it's like,

you don't keep a bent nail, right?

'Cause bent nails are good for nothin'.

They just clutter up your toolkit.
So you let 'em go.

But it's not like you
forget about the nail.

It's just that the nail
has served its purpose.

Or it actually hasn't
'cause it's a bent nail,

but do you know what I mean?

- Yeah, totally.
- Yes.

If I had've remembered, I would
have told her. I just...

I didn't. So George came up
with the whole conference plan.

- What's her name?
- Trace.

- She's, like, the nicest lady.
- She's lucky.

Oh, yeah? How do you mean?

Well, you've gone to a lot of trouble

to get unmarried and make
sure your wedding goes ahead.

- That's romantic.
- Yeah.

I guess it is.

It's not like you and Mum
have anything going on.

No. And... you're OK with that, eh?

- It's all I know.
- Right.

Sometimes, when I forget
stuff, Mum gets antsy.

She says, "God, you're
so like your father."

But that wasn't very helpful 'cause
I didn't know what that meant.

Right.

But now, well, at least I know.

It might be selfish but I think you
did the right thing in coming.

Yeah.

'Cause I got to meet you.

Then for sure I did.

Let's have a look, eh?

Oh, mate, look at that!

It's up to the ankles in the living
room. The shagpile's ruined.

Perhaps a silver lining.

- It's irreplaceable.
- Then definitely a silver lining.

The perishables, daughter.

Get the perishables. I can
put stuff in your fridge?

The kombi doesn't have
food-storing facilities.

Did you really want to
stay 'cause of Ollie?

Would you be upset if I did?

Well, do you guys have some
history I should know about?

Because there's nothing
to be jealous of.

Eugh. Excuse me while I vomit.

Today, he just turned up, right?

The day your dad is out of town.

Because that's what he does.
And it has to be discouraged.

But, no, you went for a run.
You encouraged him.

I felt I couldn't say no.

Exactly.

There was a girl the summer before last.

At first, she tried to be nice,

which he took as a sign of affection.

Then she got angry and he
told her that turned him on.

In the end, she left town. It's awkward.

- He doesn't get the right messages.
- Except from you.

That's because I used to babysit
him and he knows I have any

number of embarrassing stories
I could dish on him any time.

So while I'm here, he won't be.

- Works for me.
- Girl power.

Hey, guys.

Hello, strangers. Nice
of you to turn up.

Well, we took your advice and went out.

To the movies.

Sean was screening 'Braindead',
goriest movie of all time.

But the lead actor was kind of a spunk.

It's a New Zealand classic, apparently.

Um,

why are Monty and Siouxsie unpacking
a kombi van in our driveway?

The thing about Poppy, right,
she's got these natural smarts.

It's like, she knows the difference
between a doorjamb and a lintel.

Do you think it might be genetic?

Ah, nature versus nurture? Intriguing.

And she can wield this mean pozi-drive.

George, I reckon we might
be kindred spirits.

Yeah, well, maybe you are.

So, how are you gonna deal with

this added complication?

- What?
- I mean,

you can walk away from here
unmarried, which is great.

That was the plan.

But you can't become an un-father.

Why would I want to do that? I've
only just found out that I am one.

What George is referring to is the
lies piling up upon other lies,

creating a mountain called Lie Mountain.

You can't keep her a secret.

You can't keep disappearing
to fake conferences.

- You need a new plan.
- You need a new lie!

- No. Definitely not a new lie.
- Hey.

Reckon you need both hands
for that burger, Damo.

- Hey! Hey, you wanna back off, mate?
- It's OK.

No, this guy needs a
lesson in boundaries.

OK, it happens all the time.
She knows how to handle it.

What do you mean, this stuff
happens all the time?

Occupational hazard.
You two, inside, now.

- Mary, she's a kid.
- No, it's cool.

- Besides, it's not for much longer.
- Well, what does that mean?

Mum's sorted me for boarding school,

to get away from the
Damos of this world.

Right.

Well, this is very homely, isn't it?

Better than living with the tyrant.

You better hope Woody
has insurance, Dad.

Woody always finishes
the job, eventually.

It only happened 'cause he
downed tools in a hurry to bail.

Well, can't blame him there.

I mean, I've heard of a shotgun
wedding but a shotgun divorce...

that's a new one.

- Perhaps it's an Australian thing.
- Sorry?

Who's getting a shotgun divorce?

Lovely squid rings.

I'm always needing people to cover

so I'm going to be needing you a lot.

- Great.
- Is everything OK?

- What do you mean?
- Well, you just don't seem quite as

enthusiastic about the teaching
thing as you did before.

Oh, no, I can't wait. My bank
balance is gonna love it.

I'm not so sure about Billy but...

But, this is about the secret?

You know the secret?

- I was let in on it. Yeah.
- You were?

I guess they thought it
was best that I knew.

And Katie, honestly, it's no biggie.

Really? Because they all
thought it was a biggie.

I've been sworn to secrecy.
You really don't care?

These things happen.

Oh! Thank god!

You're being so understanding about it.
I am so, so glad you know.

I've been feeling sick
keeping it from you.

Katie, it's fine. Honestly, it
sounds like she deserved it.

And if I'd been holding
a beetroot salad,

I probably would've done the same thing.

Oh.

Oh, my god. I'm so sorry.
I've crossed the line.

No. No, you didn't.

Hey, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

Katie? Is there something else?

OK, let's do this.

Hand them over.

OK, Woody, you are off the hook.

Officially divorced.

Thanks.

Ah, yeah. Yeah, thanks.

I'd like to say 'any time' but,
let's just keep it to the once, eh?

Probably not a bad idea.

So, I guess we're done, then. Yep.

Oh, no. Actually, no,
there is one other thing.

Um, the engagement ring.

Well, remember, it was
my mum's and, um...

Oh, you want to give it to your Tracey.

Is that alright?

Yes, of course.

You want to keep it in the family.

- Yeah, something like that.
- Lucky I can still get it off, here.

There you go. Ta.

Would you mind if I
kept the wedding ring?

Why?

It just kind of helps keep truckers
at bay when they're hitting on me.

What, does that happens
a fair bit, does it?

Yeah, just a little.

- Why? You jealous?
- No.

Good. 'Cause we're not married anymore.

Nah.

It was really good to
see you again, Woody.

So, I guess you'll be
leaving in the morning?

- Yes.
- Alright, I'll make you breakfast.

Despite the odds and the
lethal beasts, George,

I truly believe your marvellous
plan actually worked.

- Will we stay in touch?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.

I'd really, really like that.

Should I call - call you Dad, I guess?

Wow. Uh, 'Dad'. That's epic.

Yeah, I'd like that even more.

- OK, see ya later.
- Alright.

Good to see you again. You, too.

- Thanks again for your hospitality.
- You're welcome.

- See ya, Pop.
- Bye.

I'm gonna be on the lookout
for rogue kangaroo,

camel and hippopotami.

On the Continent of Death.

- Stop the car.
- What?

OK, I've had an idea.

And it might be crazy and it
might not be a great idea

because sometimes I do have
ideas that aren't great,

but I think you just gotta get them
out there then they're out there.

But this is a pretty...

It's a pretty out-there idea.

What if, instead of going
to boarding school,

- Poppy came to Weld for a bit?
- Uh, Woody...

No, George, I gotta say this.
Just to see how it is.

She could hang out with me and
I could get to know her better

because, Poppy, I would really...

really like to get to know you better.

And Weld's like a school,
like a life school.

It made me a heaps better person and
it's actually got a real school,

so... what do you reckon?

It's up to you, kiddo.

- You'd be OK with that?
- Yeah.

Sounds like Weld's a
pretty good place and...

I think you'd be in really good hands.

- Sounds better than boarding school.
- Yes!

- I can pack real fast.
- Yes! Do it!

- Ha, ha!
- What about you?

I'll be fine here. I'll tell you what.

I'll come and visit you one time.
See Weld for myself.

Do you think she looks like me?
'Cause I...

What about Tracey?

I think she's ready for the truth.

I'm not married but, I have a daughter.

I reckon she's gonna be
as stoked as me, mate.

Smiler, perhaps you should
stand down on this one.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

Let's go meet Trace.

- I'm a little nervous.
- Hey? Oh, yeah, me too.

But don't worry. We don't have
to be 'cause Trace is like...

She's, like, the nicest person, ever.
Like, the best person.

Well, she must be if she
wants to marry you, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Actually, Poppy, just on second
thoughts, maybe I'll go in first,

- just to explain, on my own.
- Yeah. OK. I get it.

OK. Cheers.

George, you might come in, though,
and help me be on my own, yeah?

Yeah, sure, Woody.

I'll keep the engine running.

Hey, Trace!

We're back.

Trace?

We just got back.

- Hey!
- How was the conference?

Yeah, OK. The conference, alright.

- The thing about the conference is...
- There was no conference, Woody.

- Eh?
- I found out.

It seems I was the last to know.

- OK. Well, I can explain.
- So I've had all night to think

about how I feel about it,
being the last to know.

Yeah, but first of all,
you just need to know...

Why did I think there was a conference?

'Cause you told me there was.

'Cause you fabricated the whole
thing to cover up a secret,

which, as it turns out, everybody
else knew about, as well.

So I'm humiliated... and embarrassed...

and most of all, hurt.

I'm hurt that you didn't trust me enough

to think that we could work
through this together.

That's how I feel.

OK. And I get it, I get it.

It does, it looks bad, OK?

But... babe, I went to Australia
for a really special reason...

To get divorced from a
marriage I knew nothing about.

Yeah, but it slipped my mind,

because stuff like that slips my mind.
You know that, Trace, alright?

And I went there because
I wanted to get this.

It was my mum's and I really
wanted you to be able to wear it.

I want you to leave, Woody.

- Tracey, perhaps I can explain...
- You, too, George.

Go!

- How'd it go?
- Woody.

OK. Not well.

What little stuff you actually have.

OK, Trace, Trace, just wait, wait, wait.
Please, look.

I know this is really, really,
really bad timing and everything,

um, but... this is my daughter.

You have a daughter now?

- That slip your mind as well?
- No, no, no.

It's not... Trace, it's not like that.
I only just found out myself!

- Woody, we should go now.
- Trace. Just, if you just meet...

No, no, Woody. Woody, come on.
Poppy, let's go. Come on.

♪ What if I'm wrong? ♪

♪ What if I'm wrong? ♪

♪ I pass you on the street ♪

♪ Eyes go down ♪

♪ And your number's on the screen... ♪

The best-laid plans
ultimately mean nothing.

It's how one weathers the storm that
sets the men apart from the boys...

and the mice from the men.

♪ What if I'm wrong? ♪

♪ What if I'm wrong? ♪

♪ What if I'm wrong? ♪

Bathroom's mine!

♪ My bones say, "Follow your heart." ♪

♪ Always go with what my bones say ♪

♪ And my bones will tear us apart ♪

Thanks for the digs, George.

Things didn't exactly go to plan, eh?

No, Woody.

They did not.