03x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

You're moving in to Big Mac's?

He kinda wants us to stay.

My house has many rooms, Arlo.
And you can take your pick.

There is no bloody way in hell
I am having a Groomspiel.

- What's a Groomspiel?
- Traditional Weld stag party.

There's this place, a holiday home.
It's really nice and it's empty.

In return for minding
it, we can live there.

Aren't kids of your generation
meant to be living at home

- well into your s?
- I really want to do this.

♪ We're all someone's daughter,
we're all someone's son ♪

♪ How long can we look at each other ♪

♪ Down the barrel of a g*n? ♪

♪ You're the voice, try
and understand it ♪

♪ Make a noise and make
it clear, oh-oh-whoa... ♪

Oh. Oh, sorry, mate.
Didn't hear you come in.

- I can't hear you over the music.
- Yeah, the music's a bit too loud.

Yeah, I can't hear ya, mate.

Free-balling, eh? That's risky
business when you're cookin' bacon.

Yeah, when the kids were younger,

we used to send them
to their grandparents

and Laura and I would have what
we called 'Sans Clothing Days'.

Okay. Well, I can respect that.

- I thought I'd try it again. But,
- Yeah.

it's not as much fun on your own.

No. No, it wouldn't be.

Hey, jigsaw puzzles. They're
a bit more fun in the buff.

Yeah, and a whole lot
more fun when you do it

in the buff with your missus.

Yeah, well, we didn't do jigsaw puzzles.

Right. Well, mate, I've
got two favours to ask.

Okay.

First one, how do you feel
about being my best man?

- Oh, I'd love to. I'd be honoured.
- Oh, maybe not, 'cause...

- Oh, just...
- Yeah. Ooh. Oh, strewth. Okay. Uh...

- What's the second favour?
- Um, I need protection, mate.

From Groomspiel.

I thought you weren't
having one of those.

Yeah, I know, I know. I've
told them so many times.

No. No.

No! Oi!

So you want me to reiterate,
tell them it's not happening?

That's not gonna work.

No, I need you to tell me
if you hear anything, okay?

'Cause I think they're gonna
try and spring it on me

when I least expect it.

And, George, I'm just...
I'm just so on edge.

- Morning!
- Hey!

I gotta get back to Trace but just,

let me know if you hear anything, yeah?

- Of course.
- Sorry. Am I interrupting?

No, no, no, no, your timing's spot on.
Although, if you had have got

here any earlier, you would've
seen George cooking in the nude.

I'll see ya later, mate.

I got you a coffee in
case you wanted one.

- Thank you.
- Nude cooking, eh?

Yeah, well, it's what empty
nesters do, isn't it?

I don't know, I don't think
Billy's ever going to move out.

It's good that you're lining
your stomach ahead of a day

of manly behaviour.

- Groomspiel is today. Yeah, it is.
- Today? It can't be.

No, I'm going to Big Mac's,
he's got a 'planning meeting'.

His place is the traditional
launch pad of Groomspiel.

Okay. Woody was just saying he's
terrified. Should we warn him?

Groomspiel's happening whether
Woody wants it or not.

- Okay.
- So,

your job is not to warn him but
to help him live through it.

Okay. Well, I'll make sure that
he keeps both of his eyebrows.

This isn't a juvenile stag
night, George. It's Groomspiel.

So today, I will take care of Tracey
and you, look after your mate, okay?

That's the best we can do.

Okay.

Empty nesters. Definition, parents whose

children have moved out of home
to begin their own adult lives.

They say that empty nest
syndrome can be the beginnings

of mid-life anxiety.

I say, bring it on.

The chance to re-live the
hedonistic, care-free,

responsibility-free days of my youth,

starting with a good
old-fashioned stag do.

Hey, this is Woody. Leave us a message.

How am I supposed to warn
you about the Groomspiel

when you won't answer your phone?

It's today, Woody. Today.

I reckon George is gonna be
a good best man, you know,

'cause he's a responsible
kind of guy, you know?

Yeah. Nah, he's the right guy.

- You're lucky.
- Oh, you still haven't decided?

It's just that if I ask
Fiona, Katie might get upset.

If I ask Katie, Fiona might get upset.

- Yeah.
- I wish I had a sister.

What, just so she could
be your bridesmaid?

My sister would be a great bridesmaid.

Yeah, if you had one. Actually,
what does this sister look like?

Is she, uh, she older than you
or is she a little bit...

A little bit younger?

- Dork!
- Come on, you love it. Oh.

- Sorry, Pops.
- Hey. Sorry.

Don't mind us. We're just having a
little bit of a morning canoodle.

- Woody! Don't embarrass her!
- What?

Can I get you anything?
Some toast, juice?

- Oh, I'm okay.
- Yeah, she can help herself, Trace.

Yeah, of course, sorry. You
don't need me waiting on you.

I'm just not really a
breakfast person, so...

Oh, yeah, sweet.

- Woody!
- What?

Right. Ahh, yeah.

Um, Pops, breakfast, it's the
most important meal of the day.

So, yeah, you probably
shouldn't skip it.

Okay.

Is the Groomspiel on?

George has been summoned
to the McNamara residence.

Those g*ons just can't help themselves.

Well, it is a celebration of
manliness, what do you expect?

- Not a lot.
- Yeah, but your view

is clouded by the fact that your
ex-husband's Groomspiel ended up

with him in the Stafford
drunk-t*nk for the night.

Boys will be boys, and idiots idiots.

- Hey.
- We are fleeing.

I'm not entirely sure what from exactly,

but we're definitely fleeing.

Good luck.

It's like we've moved to Twin Peaks.

- Morning, George.
- Morning.

Welcome to Groomspiel.

I didn't think this would
be your kind of thing.

Oh me, I'm not participating.

I'm what you might
call a safety officer.

Oh. Yeah, on that note,
I'm gonna need your keys.

So I can't escape?

No. For your own safety.

Yeah, great.

So, there's a cup of green tea
by the pool, if you want it.

Green tea? Go crazy.

There's no drinking
before g*nf*re, George.

That's the rule.

g*nf*re?

George. Welcome.

Big Mac. Lads.

- George.
- George.

Sorry about the pretext,

but some guys shy away from
the idea of Groomspiel.

Grooms, mainly, from what I can gather.

They all see the light.
Eventually. Cheers.

Cheers.

Only me.

Hey, Tracey. Poppy. Woody.
Come on, mate, time to go.

- Go where?
- That job.

Well, we don't have a
job on today, mate.

I think we do.

I'm not going anywhere with you, Smiler.

- I think you are.
- Hey!

Okay. All right, all right. Hey!
All right, all right.

Hey, hey, hey. It's only for one day.

And then you and Tracey can look forward

to a long and happy life together.

Why does he have to do this thing?
That's what I don't get.

- It's tradition, Tracey.
- Come on, Woody.

You'll rest a lot easier
once it's out of the way.

And the wedding's not for another week.

- Yeah.
- Resistance is futile, you know it.

You've been to these things before.

Yes, and I don't want mine
to end up like Robbie's.

It won't, because no one wants
to live through that again.

And it wasn't entirely my
fault, just for the record.

All right. Well, look, I leave

all my possessions to
both of you, all right?

/ . I love ya!

Hello? George.

- Hello, Tracey.
- You're there, aren't you?

At the Groomspiel. They
have kidnapped Woody!

I did try and warn him but
he didn't answer his phone.

This isn't good, George.

Look, Tracey, they're just all
sitting around drinking green tea.

Maybe it's not as bad as you think.

I mean, we are all grown-ups after all.

You're Woody's best man.

It is your best-manly duty

to make sure that he...
he survives today.

George! No communication
with the outside world!

- Promise me, George.
- I promise.

- Whatever it takes.
- Whatever it takes.

Hello? Anyone home?

Oh, jackpot!

Dad's just done the shopping.

What do you feel like? There's bread.

Salad stuff. Hummus. Pesto.

Ooh, what about this big,
beautiful hunk of meat?

I thought you were vegan.

Oh, no, that's just a rumour I
started so I didn't have to

eat Dad's gag-bol. Let's
roast this bad boy.

I'm not really that good a chef.

That's more Dad and Arlo's thing.

No sweat. I can find my
way around a kitchen.

Great. Well, you get started and
I'll deal with the washing.

They took him.

And he went? After everything he said.

Didn't give him much choice.

Right. You're coming with me.

And you. Let's get you ready.

Yeah. G'day, Big Mac.

- How you goin', boys?
- Woody.

Um, hey, I was thinking, why
don't we go for the record,

fastest Groomspiel ever?

Just knock it on the head by lunchtime.

The Groomspiel takes as long
as the Groomspiel takes.

Yeah, I was worried you were
gonna say something like that.

Gentlemen, we are born to hunt
and fight, until the day we meet

the woman, or these days,
sometimes the man,

who can tame us, turn us into actual,

almost fully evolved human beings.

But until that time,

we celebrate the bastard within

and we honour the one about to be tamed.

Bring forth the Kopfhut.

ALL: Kopfhut!

The what, what?

The crown that tames the stag.

The literal translation is 'head hat'.

Come on, you don't actually
expect me to wear that, are you?

Hey!

To the Stagmeister!

ALL: The Stagmeister!

Let sports begin!

So, the Groomspiel is underway?

- Why do you think we're here?
- Apart from the good food, obviously.

They've taken him.

Then let's get this show on the road.

You know what? I wouldn't
mind a quiet night.

No way. If they get to have their
stupid tradition, so do we.

- Transport is sorted.
- It's like a hen's party thing.

- Yeah, I guessed.
- And you can come.

Nah, I'm good. I think
I'll just hang at home.

Or you can hang out with us.

Yeah, we'll probably head to

my place and figure
something out from there.

- And the more, the merrier.
- If that's okay.

Yeah.

Pull!

You missed them both, Tom.

What if they'd been fleeing criminals?

Lucky we live in a civilised
society, isn't it?

- Righto, who's next?
- Me!

No, no. Not after you almost
k*lled Robbie at his Groomspiel.

Well, that was an accident.

You're the designated puller
until I say otherwise.

I have paid my dues.

Robbie un-best-manned-Ed me.
Never been best man before.

George, you're up.

I might just sit this one
out, thanks, Big Mac.

At the Groomspiel, all men must compete.

- Except me.
- You'll get your chance.

George, you're up.

Pull!

- Hey, Georgy!
- Impressive, George. Woody.

Oh, I'm not really into
blood sports, mate.

The groom is the person who
sh**t last at every Groomspiel.

- ALL: Groomspiel.
- Righto. Okay.

You can take your hat
off to sh**t, Woody.

- Oh, okay, yeah.
- Here, give it here.

- Pull!
- It gets worse.

Righto. And the score so far,
George is on two, I'm on one.

Everyone else is on zero.
Well done, George.

- Beginner's luck.
- A toast.

This is where Robbie's do
started to go downhill.

Even more when Monty almost
blew his own head off.

Oh, no, they're doing sh*ts.

I can't do this to Trace, man.

Not after everything that
happened in Australia.

We raise our glasses to the sky,

to celebrate the bastards
who have gone before.

To the fallen!

ALL: To the fallen!

- On ya, mate. On ya.
- You're welcome.

As an empty nester, you're free.

Free of responsibility, free
to make stupid decisions.

Like drinking your mate's sh*ts
so he can safely make it

down the aisle to start on his
journey to the next stage of life.

That boy of yours is a smart
one, George. He does you proud.

Thank you. You're okay with him
spending so much time here?

Yeah, fine. It's good to
have the two of them there

injecting a bit of life into the place.

You can send him back any
time you want, you know.

What, are you getting bored of
your own company already, George?

No, no, no. Not at all.

You're in the back. Age
gets to ride up front.

Smells even worse than
it was for Robbie's.

I maintain this is not an
entirely safe mode of transport.

Men need to travel in a manly
vehicle, Tom. It's tradition.

Yeah, so was dunking witches, but
we've done okay without that one.

Don't you guys have, like, your
own place to infest these days?

We came on a food raid.

Then we thought we'd
cook something here.

But then that turned
out to be hard work.

- So we took a rest.
- Also, you can't cook.

Then we decided we'd wait
for Dad to come home,

when he'd be so happy to
see us, he'd cook for us.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen today.

Hey, you can cook. Cook for us.

Yeah, there's a lamb
hoof thingy over there.

- Do you mean a leg of lamb?
- Yeah, that. Cook it.

- What, because you just tell me to?
- Come on, Arlo.

Impress your girlfriends with
your flash culinary skills.

We could go back to Grandpa's place.

They're probably halfway
to Stafford by now.

- Nah, it's okay. I'll stay and cook.
- Yay!

I can help if you want. I used
to cook in the pub all the time.

Yeah. Okay. Great.

Well, shall we cr*ck into it?

- Oh, guys, I don't know about this.
- A couple of drinks, that's all.

- And dancing.
- Mmm, and dancing.

And, if you're lucky...

I think that that is
enough on the 'and' front.

Come on, it'll be fun.

- Maybe not.
- Kia Ora, ladies.

- Hello.
- Ngahuia, hi.

Well, I could not miss Tracey's
farewell to single life.

I presume it involves that
monstrosity pulling up outside.

It's here.

Yes!

It's pretty big for the six
of us, don't you think?

Maybe we'll pick up a few extras on
the way, if you know what I mean.

All aboard, ladies.

Oh, hello, driver!

A stripper pole. Classy.

Once upon a time, I would have
worked the living daylights out

of one of these bad boys.

Remember the last time we were
on one of these together?

I'll give you a clue. You
were my maid of honour.

Yes, I remember.

Well, you were the sensible one.

Not marrying him like I did.

- What?
- You never noticed that before?

- The missing apostrophe.
- No, I haven't.

Stafford's famous for
its punctuation crimes.

Once you see them, they're everywhere.

They like to replace 'S's with
'Z's in Stafford, for some reason.

More than they like
apostrophes, clearly.

And the concept of using
the exclamation mark once,

at the end of the sentence? Beyond them.

- To the fallen!
- ALL: To the fallen!

And once more, as we summon the
spirit of the great Berserkers,

as we go into battle.

Okay! Time to liven things up a bit.
Let's play Never Have I Ever.

- Do we have to?
- Yes, we do.

That'll be so much fun on the waters.

- I don't know what that is.
- It's a drinking game about honesty.

So, for example, if I were to say,

"Never have I ever had
a one-night stand,"

all those people who have had
one-night stands have to drink.

Okay, Brenda, you're up first.

Never have I ever had sex
in my place of work.

Yep.

You've had sex in the SuperStore?

I think this baby might
have been conceived there.

Okay. Ngahuia, you're up.

Never have I ever

stolen my best friend's guy.

I didn't steal him,
he'd already moved on.

Okay, that got dark really quickly.

Tracey, rescue us.

Never have I ever made love to a
man on the dining room table,

on a jigsaw puzzle we'd just
done together in the nude.

Okay, a little bit too
specific there, Trace. Katie.

Never have I ever been
pregnant on my wedding day.

Okay. You know what?

Let's scrap that game. We'll just
keep eating and drinking, shall we?

- Yeah!
- God, I hope Woody's okay.

- ♪ Self-destruct now, do it right ♪
- ♪ Self-destruct ♪

- ♪ Self-destruct ♪
- ♪ Make it feel so good. ♪

Woody, ya tool!

- ♪ Self-destruct ♪
- ♪ Take it now ♪

- ♪ I gotta give it to ya ♪
- ♪ Self-destruct... ♪

No more! Nah, no more. I'm done.

Most of the time he just
tries to be my friend.

But every now and then, he thinks,

"Hold on, I'm the dad so
I better act like one."

Yep. Woody as a father,

that's still a concept I'm
trying to wrap my head around.

Like, the other day, I
hadn't finished my homework

and he started telling
me off about it...

Hey, check this out.

Woody kind of realises halfway
through telling me off

- and it throws him.
- Yeah, I bet.

- He has no idea, does he?
- Not a clue.

- Is it over yet?
- Just one more game. Hang in there.

Oh, yeah, that's easy for you to say.

Everyone thinks it's funny to sh**t
the groom. It hurts, George.

- Yeah, I know, I know.
- Comrades.

- Monty.
- But who is the best comrade?

- That's the question.
- Sorry?

Or best man,

you might say, when not
in the heat of battle.

- I think it's gonna be you, George.
- [HORN]

Battle stations, gentlemen. Let's
seize the day and seize the flag!

Yeah, let's do it!

Seize the flag! Ow! Monty!

- I'm on your side, you idiot!
- Oops. Friendly fire.

Come on, men!

You just stay here, we're in safe hands.

Ahh! Dad! You got me on the butt!

The condition of man, Monty,

is a condition of w*r,
everyone on everyone.

Well, you could have sh*t that
'everyone' instead of your own son.

Well, maybe I still will.

Bugger.

Victory!

Victory! Whoo!

To the fallen!

And top up your glasses for our Most
Valuable Player, George Turner!

Do we have to?

Got to even up the
contest somehow, George.

Yeah! Fill 'em up, Billy boy!

All right.

To the fallen.

ALL: To the fallen!

- That's it.
- You're lasting well.

By this time at Robbie's
thing, he was half-cut.

I'm tough, mate. You know,
bring 'em on, I reckon, eh?

- ♪ Sing it with me now. ♪
- Tracey! Put this on.

Oh, wow, a pink veil. Classy.

Well, it's either that or this.

Oh, I'll take that, thank you very much.

You know when I used to
drive the school bus,

it was always the naughty
kids that sat up the back.

That would be about right.

You and Ngahuia kinda need
to kiss and make up, huh?

I guess I could say sorry
for the beetroot incident.

But the thing is, if I'm honest, I'm
not sorry about the rest of it.

She and Zac were over.

And thanks to Mr Fertility,
pretty much the first time we,

you know, I got Billy out of it.

- So how can I be sorry about that?
- Yeah.

You're lucky. He's a great kid.

I'm sorry that you and
Robbie didn't have any kids.

I'm not. I mean, yes, the kid part.

But... I mean, I want a
child more than anything.

But I'm glad it wasn't with him 'cause
otherwise he'd still be in my life.

Zac really knocked you
up the first time?

Mmm. That's how it works with him.

Katie! Get down here!

- Come on, hurry up!
- Come on, you! Whoo!

Any more of these and
I will be the fallen.

Mate, you are a dead-set legend.
You're the best, mate. You are.

In golf, I think, George, you
may have met your match,

for I am the McNamara
family golfing champion.

There you go, George 'The Best' Turner.

b*at that.

Good one, Monty!

That was... That was just luck, Monty.

You're a good mate to Woody.
Taking one for the team.

You've noticed?

Yeah, well, I'm more
observant than most.

Yeah, well,

any time you want to take one
for the team, just sing out.

You're doing such a good job.

Oh! How's the empty nesting going?

Oh, it has its up-side. Peace and quiet.

Overrated. Ike wanted
to move out a year ago.

The caravan was a compromise.

He can come and go as he pleases
and I get the peace and quiet

without the loneliness. Plus, get
this, I get to charge him board.

Win-win.

Well, now you've got
Ngahuia hanging around.

Yeah, well, we can't win them all.
Shouldn't stop you, though.

Stop me what?

Finding someone to fill the
void now the kids are gone.

It's a shame Poppy didn't want to come.

Would she really want to
hang around with us lot?

- Ngahuia throwing her weight around.
- Yeah.

Might have been a bit boring for her.

Is everything all right with you two?
She seems like a lovely kid.

Oh, she is. So polite. And quiet, and...

I don't think she likes me.

- What? What's not to like?
- I don't know.

I don't really know
what I'm doing, Katie.

Like, does she want me to be her mum?
Or her friend?

Or, what does she want me to be?
If anything.

How's Woody handling it?

He's really relaxed.

Like you need to be.

Poppy's probably a bit homesick.

Strange new land, strange new people.

Didn't you feel a bit like
that when you first got here?

Yeah, I did.

And then someone started
a conversation with me

while I was buying milk and
invited me to book club.

And here we are today, getting
ready for your wedding.

Come on, Bridie, enough gossiping
in the loo. Let's go get pampered.

- Come on.
- Okay.

So, how long are you back for?

Well, that depends, in part, on Ike.

And how is my little brother
going with his self-discovery?

Making progress.

- What's the other part?
- Sorry?

You said Ike was only part of
the reason that you're here.

Oh, there's always plenty going on
around here, Fiona. You know that.

Not really.

Well, certainly enough to keep me
here for the foreseeable future.

I'm hungry.

George! George! George!

I swear, it was all luck!!
It was all luck.

Now, men, we need to
consider our dining options.

Hen gets to choose the restaurant.

The Groomspieler shall
decide where we will hunt.

Groomspiel! Groomspiel!

There's this new
Mongolian barbecue place

that Woody and I were keen to try.

Trace and I read about this
new Mongolian barbecue place.

Okay. Mongolian barbecue it is, then.

Whatever that is. And then, clubbing.

But is it authentic Mongolian?

Yeah, I heard it was more North
Chinese rather than Mongolian.

What's wrong with New Zealand barbecue?

The Stafford Steakhouse!

The Stafford Steakhouse it is.
Let's go there!

This is great. You two make an
awesome team in the kitchen.

- Uh, I helped, too.
- Oh, yeah. Sorry, Lindsay.

You cut up stuff real good. Great work.

Seriously, this is really good.
Best lamb ever.

Aren't you, like, a vegan?

I am. I'm one of the special
vegans allowed to eat meat.

This gravy is, like, sublime.

I used to make it for the
Sunday roast at the pub.

So, what roast did you do there?
Kangaroo?

Don't knock roo until you've tried it.
The best sort is if you get one

that's been run over by an -wheeler.

It's already kinda tenderised.

I'm kidding.

Hey, Poppy. Um, can I've a word?

Um, sure.

That was a great dinner. Thank you.

Thanks. But your brother
did most of the work.

Yeah, but with you beside
him, you made a good team.

He's not a bad guy, eh? For a ginga.

Yes. From my limited
experience, he's a nice guy.

Well, you could do a
lot worse around here.

I mean, Billy's nice, in
a boy-man kind of way.

Lindsay's brother, Jared, is a mini
version of his creepy dad, avoid.

And Ollie, from the
servo, definitely avoid.

What I'm trying to say is,
Weld has a limited gene pool,

so if you find someone you connect
with, you should go for it.

Arlo's girlfriend seems nice, too.

We wanna know why you
and your stupid sister

don't just go back to Aussie.

Tell your sister she's a skank.

Buddy this, buddy.

Yeah.

I'm the new girl here.

So even if I did have feelings
for Arlo, which I don't,

it would be social su1c1de for me
to nick someone else's boyfriend.

The smell! I swear, it's evolved.

It grows on ya. Yeah,
that's what I fear.

Why? Why?

The apostrophe? Before the 'Z'?
'Nite' with an 'E'?

All of it.

Only the good people of Stafford know.

You're not coming in?

You know how they say about not
being seen dead in certain places?

That's one of them. Have fun.

I feel the dance is
strong in me tonight.

I took lessons, you know.

So if you ever need, like,

for me to be at a wedding
party, for example,

- I reckon I could really...
- Nobody cares, Monty.

- So, who did Robbie get?
- Huh?

After he un-best-manned you?

- Oh.
- Bill Junior?

Some guy from Auckland. Knew
him all of five minutes.

Apparently, he was a better
man than me all along.

- Most men are.
- Oh, Monty!

I don't think you know who we are.

$ cover charge unless you're a chick.

'Chicks'? What is this? ?

I'll take care of the cover
charge, boys. In you go.

Woody. Woody.

You know how I've been doing
you a favour all day?

Well, now it's your turn.

This doesn't involve me being in there

for you when you have a spew, does it?

No. No, Woody, it does not.

Well, whatever. Anything for
the best best man ever.

- Hang on.
- What the...

Ngahuia.

- Oh, god.
- Woody?

- Trace!
- Hey!

This is the Groomspiel.
You cannot be here!

This is a nightclub, Bill.
Anyone of age can be here.

And we got in free,
'cause we're 'chicks'.

And we were here first.

The bride at the Groomspiel is bad luck!

Yeah, but I wasn't at
Robbie's Groomspiel,

and look what happened there.

- You stay away.
- Happy to.

Okay, do not, do not interact with them.

Okay, I just need to
talk to Woody for...

No, Tracey. This is bigger
than you now. Come on.

- Can I just have a quick word...
- No, no, no, Woody!

You are in Groomspiel. You're
with us tonight, not her.

Groomspiel! Groomspiel!

- Trace! Trace! Trace!
- Get him back there.

- Do you need a hand with the dishes?
- Cooks never clean.

- House rule.
- Okay. Right.

- Then I might split.
- Bye, Poppy.

You shouldn't be walking
home alone at night.

Arlo, be a mate and make
sure Poppy gets home safe.

- It's Weld. She'll be fine.
- I'm totally cool.

Arlo, be a gentleman.

- Okay. Yeah, sure.
- Oh, you really don't...

- No arguments.
- Actually, we should be going, anyway.

You don't want to stay and help
us with the dishes, Lindsay?

I'm fine. Thanks.

- See you, guys!
- See ya.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Do we really have to
do all these dishes?

We could do it in the morning.
I'll leave a note for Dad.

Works for me.

- Am I the right man?
- Eh?

I mean, you and me, we're
friends, we're new friends.

New-ish, you know. God, how
many sh*ts have I had?

Best men should be old friends.

- You reckon?
- Yeah. So, think about this.

Who is your oldest friend here?

Who have you known since
you first came to Weld?

Someone who is very keen, almost
desperate, to be your guy.

- Right. Smiler!
- Someone else. Someone very obvious.

Oh, got ya. But hang on, can...

- can women be best men?
- What?

Hannah. Hannah,

you know, 'cause we're great,
you know, surfing buddies.

Let's just say in this case, no.
Try again.

- Zac?
- No.

- Tom?
- No!

Please don't say Bill Junior.

No! But you're getting warmer.

Yeah. Of course.

Hey! Here he is,

the Groomspiel and his best man.
I salute you.

Hey, cheers, mate. But you actually
got that a little bit wrong.

Gosh, Monty gets it wrong again.
How surprising is that?

No, no, no. Monty, George
is not my best man.

You are, mate.

- I am so not your best man.
- Yeah, Monty, you are.

This isn't a pity best-manning, is it?

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll take it

because being a best man
is my life-long ambition.

Monty, look, I love George, right?
He's a good friend.

A new friend that I've had the
pleasure of getting to know

since he's arrived in our little hamlet.

But, on reflection, mate, best man
duties, that's for the old friends.

And when I first moved to
Weld, many, many moons ago,

who's the first guy I met?

- Was it me?
- Bloody oath it was.

When I didn't know anyone,
you took me under your wing

- and you showed me around.
- I did do that, didn't I?

Monty, you found me a place to
live; you got me my first job,

which I promise I am
going to finish one day.

No. Nah.

Monty, because of you, mate,
I am where I am today.

That's why I want you to
be my best man. Yeah!

Well, gentlemen,

if you'll excuse me, I'm
going to celebrate,

with a dance that I call
the Dance of the Best Man.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Hey, nice speech.

Listening to myself say all that,

I don't know why I didn't think
to ask him in the first place.

Whoo-hoo! Go, Monty!

Hey!

- The Groomspiel's getting away!
- Sean, Sean, Sean,

now is not the time to
be a whistle-blower.

But he's...

Okay. Fair call.

- What do we do now?
- Um...

Hey, you fellas need
a lift back to Weld?

Yes, Ike, we do.

All right, climb in, then.

Ikey! Hang on, hang on,
what about the others?

There's room on the party bus.

Yeah, okay.

- Ike, you're a legend.
- Dear god, what is that smell?

Have you been up to the Heads yet?

You have to check it out,
especially at sunset.

It is a little bit of a
hike but totally worth it.

We should get some fish and
chips, maybe, like, next weekend.

Actually, isn't there a surf club party,

or something coming up next week?

Okay, this is me.

Was that weird?

The way she just kind of...

The oldies won't be home for ages.

- We can do whatever we want.
- Okay.

- Hey.
- Hey. You're not dancing.

No, I dance on the inside.

Yeah, I can see that.

Hey, um, I need to talk to you.

- Yeah, sure. Fire away.
- No, not in here. Come on.

You must think this is the
worst Groomspiel ever.

Humans aren't meant to be alone, George.

If you put men and women together,
this is what should happen.

To our fallen.

To our fallen.

Until the next Groomspiel, George.
Maybe it'll be yours.

Or yours.

- What the hell?
- You all right there?

No, I'm not, actually.

Look, I get that punctuation
and grammar aren't everyone's

cup of tea, but seriously, this has
got to be some kind of a joke.

- Is there a problem here?
- Yes.

Do you want a list?

You can't kick me out for noticing

crimes against the English language!

I shouldn't of let you
in in the first place.

Did you say shouldn't 'of'?
It's shouldn't 'have'!

- Hey, Monty, can you give us a sec?
- But I'm on fire.

Yeah, can you be on fire somewhere else?

We need to make this right. You and me.
What happened.

We do.

Yeah, but you need to know
that I'm not sorry about it.

I mean, I'm sorry that we're
not friends anymore, but...

I'm not about Zac.

You guys were emotionally
dead and buried when I,

you know, with him.

Yeah, I know. I was just too
proud to admit it at the time.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, I got you this.

- I don't really like frothy cocktails.
- Yeah, I know.

It's not for drinking. It's
for you to throw at me,

to make up for the beetroot incident.

And that way we're equal and we can, oh!

Oh, my god! You could have
given me some warning!

- Right, you, out.
- But she threw the drink at me!

In my experience, the one wearing
the drink always started it.

Oh, she totally started it.

I just got kicked out of
the worst bar in Stafford.

So did I.

Come on.

Okay. Good talk.

Wasn't what I was expecting but...

I thought it'd be great
having the place to myself.

- Doing what I want, when I want.
- Cooking naked.

Yeah, fun in theory, but I won't
be making a habit of that.

Getting thrown out of bars.

Yeah, well, that'll teach them
to mess with this Grammar n*zi.

But, it's just not what
I imagined, I suppose.

I always thought I'd be
alone, with someone.

Alone.

- With someone.
- I get it.

Yeah, I'm a bit drunk.
What happened to your top?

Oh, I guess you could
call it a peace offering.

- Okay. You must be freezing.
- Yeah, it is getting quite chilly.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How's it?

Best Groomspiel ever!

Groomspiel, cha, cha, cha!

Groomspiel, cha, cha, cha!

Groomspiel, cha, cha, cha!

Home, James! And don't spare the horses!

Groomspiel! Groomspiel!

- You survived!
- Oh, mate, we escaped.

- Are you doing homework?
- Yeah.

On a Saturday night?

Yeah, but I had dinner with Arlo,
Lindsay, Shay and Siouxsie.

Oh, that sounds like it
was a pretty good night.

Yeah, I guess.

It was a little bit weird. I don't know.

Yeah, this town, Pops, the people
in it, they can get a bit weird.

- But, you get used to it, I promise ya.
- Okay.

And the homesickness thing?

It goes.

It's perfectly normal.

New town, new country, new
friends, new step-mum.

Step-mum? I think that's what I am.

Is it?

If you wanna be.

Yeah. I do.

- You didn't sign up for a stepdaughter.
- Well, no.

But it's actually pretty
convenient for me because...

I was trying to figure out who
to have as my bridesmaid.

See, there's Fiona and Katie,

but I can't ask one without
offending the other.

- So, how about it?
- How about...

- Would you be my bridesmaid?
- Really?

I can't think of anything more perfect.

♪ Wake up, wake up ♪

♪ Get up, get up ♪

♪ Get out of bed, stop wasting time. ♪

Virgin Mary.

Didn't stop her getting
pregnant, either.

They'll all crash out soon.
Then we can do what we want.

Yeah.

Cool.

- Stupid, stupid, stupid.
- Ooh! Who's stupid?

- Oh, I am.
- Mmm. Tell me more.

Nothing. Just drank
too much, that's all.

- Wasn't that the whole point?
- You want a coffee?

Please. Well, I, for one, thought
last night went really well.

♪ It's a party ♪

♪ 'Cause you said a change
was gonna come, come, come ♪

♪ Wake up, wake up ♪

♪ Get up, get up ♪

♪ Get out of bed ♪

♪ Stop wasting time. ♪

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, my god.

This is exactly how I imagined
you looking this morning.

What, you heard about the Groomspiel?

No. What's a Groomspiel?

Something I donated my liver
to, to save a friend.

Hmmm.

I sent you something
last night, didn't I?

- Yes, you did.
- I sent you a column.

The word 'diatribe'
more springs to mind.

You don't like Stafford
very much, do you?

It being the place where,

"Inbred people clearly go to
breed with other inbred people"

to create people so inbred the only way

"they could be more inbred is
by breeding with themselves."

Which, I have to say,
is somewhat extreme,

given that this column seems
to be about punctuation.

Well, in my defence, it
was very late at night.

Yet, remarkably, it
is exactly words.

I vaguely remember it.

If only you achieved this through
editing it so that it ends,

mid-sentence, on the word 'crapulent'.

- I'll write you another one today.
- Or I could just print this one.

I mean, it is brilliant
but it'll get you fired

and you'll never be able
to go to Stafford again.

Another one.

You look like crap, George.
Get some sleep.

- After you've sent me a new column.
- Bye.

The empty nest should be a celebration.

You've done your job,
you've raised your kids,

you've sent fully functioning
humans off into the world.

But the thing about the empty nest is,

I'm sure it's not meant
to be this empty.

I thought there'd be two
people, together, alone,

alone together.

But she's gone and they're
gone and it's just me.

Hey, wakey, wakey, Georgy!

It lives! Woody said you'd
be in a state today.

Hey, I brought you a care package.
Painkillers.

Gotta get some glucose in you, mate.

Carbs and salt so you can eat
your way to a better you!

Okay. George, we've had a
preliminary wedding meeting.

And, as best man, I'm just gonna
be handing out chores for the day.

No, Monty. Monty, let him
catch his breath, all right?

He had a rough day yesterday.

Woody said you were amazing, by the way.

Give the truckies at mum's
pub a run for their money,

by the sound of it. Respect for that.

Let's cr*ck these bad boys.
I'm starvin'!

All right. Get into it.

Yep, the empty nest thing.

Turns out it's for the birds.

Is that Monty?

Hey. Hey, guys.

- How's the surf?
- Good, good. You all right, mate?

Yeah, good, thank you. Good, yeah.

Yeah, just saw you here and thought,
"Oh, there's George and Woody."

- Hey, George, can I have a word?
- Oh, yeah. Well,

- hey, I'll catch ya later, yeah?
- Yeah.

- See ya, Monty.
- Okay, see ya later.

Everything okay?

Quite frankly, no.

This wedding is going to be a disaster.

Help me, George. Please. Help me.

You'd know what it's like, wouldn't you?

I mean, you've had writers
block, wouldn't you?

It's just a speech Monty, it
doesn't mean the whole wedding...

It is the most important
speech of the day.

It shouldn't be hard for me.

I'm a real estate agent, right.
Part of my job is to write copy.

I mean, I write good copy.

Do you actually know the story
of the Emperor's new clothes?

It means that they're flash.
Like this three bedroom home.

Dad's a little stressed right now.

You try being a best
man, writing speeches,

looking after rings, while
managing holiday rentals!

For the fourth time, I'm not
doing the holiday rentals.

I'm a receptionist, not a cleaner.

- We all muck in here.
- What does it involve?

Changing linen, airing, dusting.
Why, are you interested?

I know someone who might be.
Someone who was raiding

my fridge last night,
complaining she was broke.

- Brilliant!
- Who?

I'll get that underway right now.

- There you go, Dad. All sorted.
- Who?

- Let's see what you've got so far.
- Huh?

- The speech?
- Oh, right.

So I was up all night.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

So I think maybe it should say,

- "Kilda, ladies and gentlemen."
- Look, think about what you need

to do in the speech.
Toast the bridesmaids?

- See you're the wordsmith, George.
- No, it's traditional

to toast the bridesmaids.

Please, stay. Help.

I've got a really busy day, Monty.

I suppose. Maybe later.

Yes. Yes. Thank you.

- Morning.
- George.

- No.
- Okay.

No!

- It's entertainment.
- And it's hilair.

The new interns.

- How much do we get, B-T-dubs?
- The new unpaid interns.

We thought it would be a good
idea to have some young'uns here

for the launch of the
digital News of the World.

Don't you think I can handle it?

He said you were useless
with technology.

I didn't use those exact...

Okay, I did say that.
But it'll be all right.

We go live tomorrow, and you just
have to get your copy in as always.

- Tomorrow? Wedding day?
- Well, we're starting with

a hiss and a roar with a
feel-good story about a wedding.

What's that smell?

- Damp.
- Gross.

It needs airing. Dusting
and clean bedding.

So I'm a cleaner now?

You're a Property Management Executive.
And it's bucks

a house. And there are three
to be done before tomorrow.

Show me the duster.

Tom's thinking of putting you
and me on the front cover,

"Local pair banned from Nite Movez."

Oh, excuse me!

What about local pair up to no
good in the back of the party bus?

Yeah, what's going on there? Any gossip?

Oh, I don't gossip.

But Zac's pretty proud of
himself, thinks he's the man.

- And Fiona?
- She doesn't want to talk about it.

You okay? Must be weird walking
in on your ex like that.

Yeah, well, you walked
in on your ex, too.

Yeah, but it's Zac. I
just can't understand

what Fiona would see in him.

This is the father of your
child you're talking about.

Everyone knows I have
terrible taste in men.

But Fiona, her last boyfriend was you.

- Why would you go from you to Zac?
- Well, thank you.

But she didn't think you and I...
Because, you know,

- that could've been misconstrued.
- Yes. She did think.

But no, I told her nothing to see here.

Anyway. I'm here to see Arlo.

I'm coordinating the
internships, as you know.

And you can't find him anything?

- I'm working on it.
- Come in.

There's the Boat Club in the kitchen,

but that's like your job, so...

It's like doing my job without pay.

- Yeah, exactly.
- So what do we do?

I wouldn't mind doing the Boat Club.
I've already put Poppy there.

We could both work there.
I wouldn't mind.

No, no, I'm working at
finding you something.

In the meantime,

- you've got the day off.
- Oh.

Okay, well, I can't complain about that.

I'm so sorry. I feel like
I'm letting him down.

Don't be silly. You're doing your best.

I would say that he could intern

at the gallery, but there's
actually nothing he could do.

Katie, it's okay.

Well, I might go back to Lindsay's
for a bit, so I'll see ya.

I should get going, too, but
I will see you tomorrow.

Yeah.

They say true love is a
story without an end.

- And it could be...
- Shouldn't it rhyme?

Why would it rhyme?

Well, like a poem? "They say true
love is like a story without an end."

"Like a walk on a beach
or a beer with a friend."

I'm just riffing here.

Sorry, no, ignore me. You're the writer.

And a new chapter of
that story begins...

- Monty, what are you doing?
- Shoulder massage. Eases the tension.

There is absolutely no easing
of tension happening right now.

I am qualified. My ex-wife
and I, when we first

started seeing each other, did
an erotic massage course.

I recall it being more erotic than
relaxing, so I will leave you to it.

- Yes, please.
- Go George!

Wordsmith!

♪ Early morning sickness
when he came around ♪

♪ Thought it was a good
fit underneath his arm ♪

♪ Now you wanna give
this a second thought ♪

♪ I don't wanna hear this
just give him a call ♪

♪ Or could you not, could
you not bare to tell him ♪

♪ Okay you better say
it, go on and say it ♪

♪ Could you not speak so loud ♪

♪ Could you not speak so loud ♪

♪ Could you not speak so loud ♪

♪ Could you not speak so loud. ♪

sh**t! What the hell are you doing?

I saw your bike outside.

And I was like, that's weird.
Why is Shay up here by herself?

So you just walked in

- without even knocking?
- You're a cleaner now?

Ollie, can you go?

Hey, are you going to the wedding?

I've just finished making that bed.

- Can you go?
- Yep, sure. Uhm...

One question. Come with me.

- What?
- To the wedding.

Or I'll go with you. Whatever.

We'll go together.

- No.
- Why not?

- Because I...
- You're not with Ike anymore, right?

So what's stopping us?

Because I don't want to.

- Because?
- I don't have to give a reason.

I don't want a relationship.

At all or with me?

Both.

You think you can be picky?

After losing it in the
SuperStore like a psycho?

Okay, you need to go.

Now!

Text me later, when
you change your mind.

Monty, I don't have much time.

I've got work and wedding
stuff to deal with, so.

Advice on writing the best man
speech printed from the internet.

"Have a k*ller opening line. Make
a joke at the groom's expense."

How about this, "Thank goodness
Woody made it this evening",

"if his wedding was anything like
the fence I booked him to repair,"

"we'd still be here in months' time."

"Avoid any sensitive subjects."

Let's can the fence joke. There'll
be people there still waiting

for Woody to finish their jobs, too.

"Make a toast to absent friends."

Now interestingly, that's
people who aren't there

on account of being too
busy, not just dead...

Monty, Monty, I know. I know what
absent friends are, thank you.

- I'll just leave that there.
- Yeah.

What's she doing here?

- Work experience.
- How do you know?

- Katie told me.
- Hi, guys.

Hi. Couple of smoothies, please.

- Berry, okay?
- Yeah, ta.

So, how is everything? Are
you all set for tomorrow?

Dad and Tracey are really chilled.

- Living with the Principal. Sucks.
- She's nice.

As far as step-mums go,
I could've done worse.

Yeah step-mums don't
really get a good rap.

Snow White's tried to have her k*lled.

Cinderella's didn't let
her go to the ball.

Hansel and Gretel's deliberately
lost them in the woods.

Yeah, you are lucky. You have
a step mum and a real mum.

- Me and Arlo don't have either.
- Yeah. That sucks.

It's why we're so close, hey, babe.
We both get it,

what it's like not to have a mum.

Ollie?

This isn't funny, Ollie.

It's weird. And creepy.

Get lost!

I said leave me alone!

Hey, is my, ah, is my dad here?

Nah, nah, it's just me. Getting
ready for the big launch.

Hey, is your dad really as useless
as they say with this kind of stuff?

I don't know, sorry.

- Shay, you all right?
- Yeah.

No, you're not.

I'm fine.

It's nothing to do with you
anyway, 'cause you dumped me.

Shay, you know why we had to split up.

It doesn't mean I don't
care for you though.

How's it going anyway?

Your big search for the meaning of life?

- No, that's not what...
- Oh, that's right.

I wouldn't know. I wouldn't get it.

Well, guess what, Ike.

Neither do you.

Didn't realise this was a
SuperStore and a Nail Salon.

- It is.
- Brenda offers manicures

- for special occasions.
- Oh.

Pedi, George?

I might just take these, thanks, Brenda.

- Thanks, Brenda. I'm loving it.
- I'll see you tomorrow. The big day.

Or we could grab a pre-drink? You and I.

I want to pick your brain. A few of
Big Mac's ideas for the new Weld.

Oh, so there's going to be a new Weld?
Not just a new Weld Wide Web?

Tip of the iceberg.

I'm intrigued. And I'd love
to have a drink with you,

but I'm on a mission.

Oh.

- Bye.
- See ya.

- Ouch! Stubble.
- You love my stubble, don't ya?

I'm just thinking of the wedding photos.

You know, you don't
want to be all scruffy.

You want me to shave the beard?

I love you just the way you are.

- Don't mind me. I'll come back.
- No, take him.

Hang on a minute, why do I have to go?

It's tradition. The
bride and groom always

spend the night before
the wedding apart.

Ancient superstition. If the groom
sees the bride in her wedding dress

before the wedding, bad luck
will rain down upon them.

It's just a superstition, but you're
not seeing me until tomorrow.

All right.

All right.

- Ahh!
- Ahh!

- I thought you were at work!
- I thought you were at work!

- What's wrong?
- I'm sorry, but I'm quitting.

Okay, this isn't about an
aversion to dusting, is it?

Ollie turned up at the second place.

The Harrisons? What was
he doing up there?

That place is in the middle of no...

He followed you.

What happened?

I smashed his drone.

- Good!
- I dunno.

Maybe I...

It could be my fault.

Because?

Well, maybe I...

- I gave him the wrong idea.
- No.

Well, like you said, when
he turned up at my place

that day and I went for a run
with him, I should've said...

Don't blame yourself for
some jerk thinking he's owed

your adoration just because
you were nice to him once.

He's going to be at
the wedding tomorrow.

He won't come near you.
I'll make sure of that.

- How?
- I have my ways.

If you're into it.

I don't know, Siouxsie.

Just say the word, Shay,

and I will make sure no sleaze-ball man

ever comes near you again.

What a way to start your wedding day.

Not a care in the world, George.

- Is Tracey as relaxed as you are?
- Calmest bride-to-be

you've ever seen. The
wedding's going to be fine.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

- You never heard of tempting fate?
- Yeah, but with everything

that's already happened, George, all
the ways I've almost cocked it up,

fate, she's had a go,
she's done her worst.

We're good. We got this.

At my wedding, the celebrant
cancelled half an hour before

the ceremony. We managed to get a
ring-in, but he'd come straight from

lunch and he had this piece of
parsley stuck between his teeth.

- And Laura got the giggles.
- Did she?

Yeah, and she tried to get through
the vows without laughing,

but she failed. Crying, giggling,
and then the snorting started.

- Oh, no!
- Which was contagious.

So there we were, bride and groom,
k*lling ourselves with laughter.

The celebrant thought we were mad.

[CACKLES]

It doesn't matter how or where.

It's the person you're standing next to.

You're going to be all right, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a crazy thing, promising
yourself to one person forever

and ever until parted by death.

When you're standing there,
looking into their eyes,

or laughing, as the case may be,

forever seems like a long time.

It's a shock to find that sometimes,

it's really not.

[COUGHING, RETCHING]

You only had one beer last night.

- Ya lightweight.
- Stage-fright.

Same thing happened before the
Real Estate Awards, .

Up for Best Rural Office.

Came runner-up in the end.

Hey, you're going to be sweet. No
runner up today all right, mate.

Are you sure about this?

She's the woman I love.

If she wants a smooth face, she's
going to get a smooth face.

Yep. Okay, see ya there.

Yeah. And where are you going?

Newspaper office. It's the big day.

Well, the other big day.
We're launching the website.

Hang on. What about the speech?

Completed and waiting to be printed.

On my lap-top in there.

You rock this look. You are
really making a statement.

- Which is?
- Don't mess with me, D-bag.

Wait, I know what else.

My man-repelling
titanium nose screw set.

You don't mind a few holes, do you?

Siouxsie, I appreciate
the help, I really do.

But this is not me.

- It is. You're scary.
- But why should I have to be?

Why should I dress a certain way
so that guys won't hassle me?

Maybe the guys should
change their behaviour.

- But they won't.
- Well, they should. We should be able

to look and feel the way
we want without men

thinking it's for their benefit.

You make a good point.

We're taking the power back.

All right. Wait, when you say 'we'?

I mean, we.

- Sorry I'm late.
- No, no you're just in time.

- You look nice.
- Thanks, Bill.

So, we're good to go as soon as
we hit that button right there.

'Publish'. That makes sense.

Go ahead, George. Do the honours.

- Shouldn't you do the honours?
- It'd be good if someone

- could do the honours.
- You're the editor.

Well, I'm also not that
good with technology.

Honestly, it's just that one button.

Come on, George, you can do it.

There's not much can go wrong, mate.

All right, then. Here goes.

- Wait, wait, wait!
- What? What?

'Here goes', is that it? You've
got to say a few words, George.

Hey, hey. The music man's here.

- Hi. Just set up in the usual place.
- Want to give me a hand?

You can do it by yourself, I'm sure.

- I'd rather do it with you, babe.
- Sorry, are you hitting on Fiona?

No, he isn't, he's just
making conversation.

Yes, I'm hitting on Fiona, what of it?

- She's never going to go for you!
- Is that so?

Please. We've got a lot to do,
so can we just ruddy well do it?

Thank you.

And most of all, Big Mac,

whose initiative this whole thing is.
Have I missed anyone?

The interns! Oh, yeah,
okay, the interns.

Okay, without any more mucking around,

let's kick this newspaper
into the digital age.

And we are live in five, four,

three, two, one. Publish!

Oh, no. Zac!

What did you do?

Did we blow a fuse?

No.

No!

- What'd I do?
- You have special powers, George.

- Not good ones.
- The power pole on Blind Man's Bend,

- a van's run straight into it.
- Not again.

- A car accident? That means...
- The volunteer fire brigade

should be getting a call right about...

No!

- Why today?
- Hopefully it's nothing too serious.

Hey, ah, it's okay, Fiona.
We've got things sorted here.

What? You're going to cook all of
this food with no electricity?

- Is that, like, a tsunami siren?
- No, it'll be a car accident.

Can't be anyone local, they'll all
be getting ready for the wedding.

Yeah, except now half of them will
be on their way to the crash.

Okay. So, how do you feel
about a casual, beachy look?

Woody!

- I was just about to shave!
- A car's taken a power pole out.

Last time that happened,

we had no electricity for a day.

Well, we're getting married on a beach.

So what do we need electricity for?

- Right. So we're on?
- As I told ya before, Georgey.

Nothing's going to stop
this wedding, mate.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Wow. You look, um...

Have I seen you in a suit before?

- Yeah, it's not my usual Weld-wear.
- Yeah.

- What can I do for you?
- Ah, I'm just checking to see

- if Tracey's good to go.
- Yes, we're good to go.

- If you guys are?
- Try stopping that groom.

Great. Okay.

Okay.

- Well, I'll see you there.
- Yes, I'll see you there.

Yeah, see ya.

People are starting to turn up.

Who is that with Shay?

- Wow, is that...
- Oh, my God. My cousin.

Well, well, well. Siouxsie?

What're you staring at, you
gormless clack-waffle?

Yep, Siouxsie.

We have no photographer, or best man.

You be the best man, and
I'll be the photographer.

The show must go on.

Stones are hot, Kai is in.
Now all we need is time.

There's plenty of that.
Half the wedding's missing.

Tracey's good to go. So...

Monty'll be gutted if he
doesn't get to be best man.

What's going on? Some
of the elderly guests

- aren't feeling well.
- What elderly guests?

Okay, it's me. I could
vom at any moment.

- Oh. We should just get going.
- We can't start without him.

- I think we have to.
- Wait! Hello!

Hold on.

We're all good.

Nobody was hurt in the accident.

- Except the power pole.
- And the wedding flowers.

The pole was taken down
by the florist's van.

Of course it was.

Hey, here he is.

Hey, sorry for the delay, folks.
Take a seat, get comfy,

we got ourselves a wedding!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- What's funny?
- I'm just thinking about my wedding.

- And the celebrant with the teeth?
- Yeah.

Whoa.

Must be hard to walk on
sand dunes in heels, eh?

Hey, Pops.

G'day.

We are gathered together to celebrate

one of life's greatest moments.

Woody, do you take
Tracey to be your wife?

I do.

Do you promise to love and cherish her,

forsaking all others, and hold
only unto her for evermore?

Yeah, I do.

Tracey. Do you take Woody
to be your husband?

I do.

Do you promise to love and cherish him,

forsaking all others, and hold
only unto him for evermore?

I do.

- We will now exchange the rings.
- Monty, you're up.

Oh, right.

- Oh, Monty!
- For pity's sake, Monty.

No, we're good. Found them!

Woody and Tracey, you have
agreed to live together

in matrimony, have promised your
love for each other by these vows

and the giving of the rings.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

Let's have a party!

Perfect.

Okay. Yes, you did good.

I guess I'm your all-round
hero today, right?

Hey, um, Zac.

I owe you an apology.

At the hens do, in Nite Movez
and in the party bus...

..I was using you.

- Hey, I'm okay with that. Use away.
- Oh, no. No, not for your body.

Yeah, for your body,
but not in that way.

- I want to have a baby.
- Say what?

And I figured, you know, you're
the most fertile man in Weld.

- I need to stop you right there...
- No, I'm not asking you to,

'cause I was wrong.

Just because a man is
fertile, it doesn't mean that

that's the right man for you to
breed with. Which I know that now.

And I'm very sorry.

- [LAUGHS]
- It's not... It's not funny.

Well, it kind of is.

Given I've had the snip.

After the whole Jan thing, and
the twins, I thought to myself

enough is enough. So I snuck off to
Stafford and got me a vasectomy.

- Oh, my God.
- But if you want to use me

as practice, then the offer's there.

Got myself a wife, Georgey.
Didn't have one of these

- when I got up this morning, eh.
- It looks like married life

already suits you. Both of you.

- Cheers, mate!
- Cheers!

Picture.

- May I?
- Go on.

Excuse us.

- Oh, wow.
- Aw, no way guys.

The koru represents new beginnings,
like a fern unfurling,

reaching towards the light.

- Thank you, so much.
- That's awesome guys.

- Love it.
- Congrats, man.

- Cheers, buddy.
- Excuse me, everyone!

Excuse me, guys.

- Um...
- Oi!

My brother's got something to say.

It's time to go inside.

So if Mr and Mrs Woody,
could lead the way?

- You're kidding me.
- Oh, wow, it looks divine.

Look, look, they got them.

Relax.

Have a little bit of the OJ.
Bring that OJ over.

Full glasses, everyone.
Speeches about to start.

I think I'm going to be sick.

- No, I'm okay.
- You'll be fine.

All the best man boxes ticked thus far.

The speech will be no different.

Choosing to spend your life with
just one person doesn't mean

you'll never again have the experience,

the thrill of falling in love.

It's the opposite.

You get to fall in love...

Over and over. Year after year.

When you share a joke that
only the two of you get.

When you hold your child
for the very first time.

When you've just spent three
days not talking and you make up

and you wonder why you ever fought.

You'll fall in love again.

I'm terrible. I cry
at the drop of a hat.

When you realise you know each other
inside out, and back to front

and that it's better than
the thrill of the new.

Because a wedding isn't about forsaking

all others or making false promises.

It's about two people getting
to know each other, and...

And...

It's about two people

getting to know each other

and hopefully becoming
a mother and a father.

But if you don't breed,
you'll still be delighted.

Because when you're
married, love is requited.

[LAUGHTER]

To the bride and groom.

Hey, thanks for that, mate.

Did you write that poem yourself?

Yeah.

- It was beautiful.
- Thanks, Bill.

- Hey.
- Your wife was here.

Are you seeing ghosts now, too, huh?

In the words of that speech.

That was written by a man
who's known real love.

The part before he started rhyming.

Yeah, Laura loved weddings.

"True love is a story with
no ending," she always said.

Turns out she was wrong, eh.

Whatever happens now,

whatever new beginnings you might
have, you'll always love her.

So your wife was right.

True love is a story with no end.

Some unexpected twists, yes,

but... love goes on, George.

Let's get that drink some time, eh?

Hey, you two, how about the first dance?

Yeah, boy!

♪ Beautiful children, you
come into my life. ♪

Just follow my lead.

- I got classes when my wife left me.
- Oh.

Monty's got some great moves.

Yeah, no. That poor girl,
she needs rescuing.

- Do you mind if I cut in?
- Not at all.

Ouch. That's got to hurt.

You're not dancing?

I don't, really.

Well, it depends how
many drinks on board.

- Maybe Zac's keen.
- Oh, please don't.

Sorry. Sorry, I'm just teasing.

You know what they say
about me on a dance floor?

- No. What?
- Rhythm is a stranger.

But I'm prepared to risk
humiliation for you. Come on.

- Oh, go on then.
- Come on.

♪ Beautiful children, you
come into my life. ♪

Move, please.

I could have you charged.
It's against the law

to destroy someone else's property.

- Ow. Let go!
- Get your hands off her.

Love the new look, Siouxsie.

Maybe next time you should
work on your personality.

Okay, do you want to check
out the desserts table?

- Yeah.
- Are you honestly going to let

this freak interfere
in our relationship?

We don't have a relationship, you creep!

You know, you're not so bad at this.

I haven't stepped on your toes just yet.
But I will.

Hey, George.

There's something a bit
controversial that I've been

- thinking about asking you.
- I'm intrigued.

George!

And I don't like how
you follow me around!

It scares the crap out of
me and you don't even care!

- Leave me alone!
- What's going on? What's going on?

- Tell him, Ollie.
- There was a disagreement.

You thought it was okay to
harass Shay and we disagreed?

She vandalised my property.
But if she just says sorry,

then I can drop it, and
we can all just move on.

- Harass her how?
- Dad, don't.

I just want to... I just want to go.

Ollie. Not this carry-on again.

Well, I guess I'll be
pressing charges then.

I'll deal with him on Monday.

Let's just enjoy the wedding, hey.

Well, I suppose he is off-duty.

He is. But I'll teach Ollie a
lesson for free. Who's in?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm in.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

All right?

Thanks.

- I don't even know why I was crying.
- Because you're pissed off.

- You should've said something, Shay.
- I felt bad.

Like I'd done something.

It's not your fault.

Okay. Thank you.

What she said.

Everything okay?

- Yeah.
- Where's Tom?

Something needs to be
done about that guy.

- Dad, no.
- It's all right, George.

It's under control apparently.

Hey, I wouldn't go in
that one if I were you.

Someone had a bad curry.

Oh, thanks for the warning.

Well, we look after one another
in this town. You know that.

Yeah.

- Open up! Somebody's in here!
- We know.

We decided to give you some
thinking time to consider

- how you treat women.
- You'll get done for this.

- This is so illegal!
- Well, there's illegal

and then there's a grey area.
Isn't that right, Hannah?

Yeah, Ollie we know your dad

wants you to take that mechanic
apprenticeship in Stafford, so.

You should tell your dad
that you're going to

- take that apprenticeship.
- Yeah, right. I'll do that.

Oh, well, if you don't, we'll just
give you some more thinking time.

You don't actually scare me.

Yep.

Should've done that ages ago.

You're staying at home with
me tonight, no question.

Well, I might go now. I'll
get Siouxsie to drop me off.

Well, just give me five
minutes to say my goodbyes...

No, no, no, no.

You stay, enjoy yourself.

Here she is. I'll see you at home.

Okay, I won't be long.

Come on.

All right, people, the happy
couple are departing.

Wish I was going to see
mountains and hobbit houses.

I'll Instagram some.

- Yeah. Oh, am I following you?
- You should.

I'm following you, Lindsay.

Lindsay's Insta's mainly
just selfies and stuff.

Hey, Pops, let's hit the road!

Here goes. My first honeymoon?

See ya. Have a good time.

Hey, what's wrong?

Oh, my God.

Thanks for the bloody good party!

Shay's okay. She's gone with Siouxsie.

What about you?

You look like you could do with a drink.

Shay'll be okay. She's got so
many people who care about her.

- And she's got you.
- And you.

The people of this town, her
friends who genuinely care.

I'm constantly amazed how lucky we are.
Me and the kids.

- That's so nice.
- Well, it's true.

When you arrive in a new
place, and then everything

falls apart five minutes
after being there.

And everyone...

Everyone gathers to lift you up.

I'll never forget that.

Come home with me tonight.

Oh, God!

Katie...

Weddings.

I cry at the speeches, and
then I get carried away

and I kiss people and...

- How many people?
- ..proposition them! Oh, my God.

I am so sorry. I'm so sorry.

- Just tell me.
- As if you don't know.

No, I honestly don't.

George. Could we...

Oh, that's right.

- You wanted to ask me something.
- Yeah.

You were flirting with her!

No, no, no. I wasn't. No way!

Or at least I mean, I don't think I was.

Grandpa, can you take me home, please?

Eh? I'm just about to get a port.

- Come on, Lindsay, you're being dumb.
- Dumb? You think I'm dumb?

No, no, I mean you're acting dumb.

Well, that's wonderful.

I don't want anything to do with you.

I don't know how to say this,
so I'm just going to...

You know that one of my life goals

or, um, wishes is to be a mother.

- Yes.
- Okay, I'm reaching a crucial point.

There's a window, but
soon, it'll be closed.

Maybe not biologically,

because I know that there's a woman

in France who had a baby in her s,

but I don't... I don't
want to be that woman.

Last week, in the party bus with Zac,

I was attempting,

in a moment of madness, just
drunkenness, very drunk to um...

Oh! Oh.

Please don't judge me.
It was the wrong way

to go about things and
thankfully, I realised that.

I want to have a baby,

and I want to raise it by myself
because I haven't met the right man

yet and I am running out of time
to meet the right man, and...

I was wondering if you'd help me.

- What, help you find the man?
- No, forget about the man.

- The man is never going to show up.
- I'm sorry,

- I just don't understand.
- I'm asking you to give

me a baby, George.

Well, you said, after the twins,
that you'd warmed to the idea,

but even if you haven't I can do
it by myself. I can raise it.

Oh, sh*t. You think I'm crazy.

I should never...

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

- All right if I take off?
- Yeah.

And, um, thank you.

Hey, Ollie should have been
dealt to a long time ago.

No, I mean for everything.
You're an amazing friend.

I've never really been
anyone's friend before.

- See you at home tomorrow.
- Bye.

In the end, a wedding isn't
about forsaking all others,

or making impossible promises.

It's about two people
choosing each other

and being brave, because you have to.

Because weddings are a triumph
of hope over experience.

And where there is hope, there is love.

Love which will bring
your life together,

fill your house with a family.

And even if that life together is
shorter than you ever imagined,

true love is trusting that
she wants you to be happy.

True love is knowing that she
would want you to carry on

having a future, even
if it's not the one

you promised to each other at
the altar on your wedding day.

She'd want you to follow your heart.

Wait!

'Cause true love really is
a story without an end.

Don't go.

You just took me by surprise.

But the answer is yes.