03x10 - Episode 10

[bunniefuu]

♪ Oh, and when the day is done... ♪

GEORGE [NARRATES]: Since the dawn
of time, humans have done it,

as cave dwellers, through millennia.

The pursuit of it is hardwired into us.

It's as natural as the big blue sea.

And yet the human race,
we make such a big deal out of it.

I'm talking about a column subject
guaranteed to embarrass my children.

And maybe myself.

S-E-X.

It seems we humans
spend more time thinking about it,

talking about it, or writing about it...

Than actually doing it.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hi.
- Hi.

Beautiful day.

I haven't made it outside yet.

It's one of those days
that makes you feel like

you're on top of the world.

You want to come to my place tonight?

I would love to. What should I bring?

Your toothbrush.

You're staying the night.
If you want to, that is.

I would.

I will see you tonight, then.

Yeah, see you then.

[THEME MUSIC]

Aww, that's so sweet!

Katie's gonna love them.

Oh, it's just a little something

- for the dinner table, you know.
- Sorry, excuse me, George.

Go!

Cut through Memorial Park,
and I'll sweep in from the west. Go!

So nice being loved up, isn't it?

Like, everything's better.

The sea, the sky, the
little beach flowers.

Keep going!

Head up Hillary Stairs!

Everything alright?

Oh, well, that depends. Listen to this.

TOM: Oh, God! Nearly there!

[PANTS] Dear Lord!

It's Tom. What's he doing?

He thinks he's in pursuit
of a bike thief.

[PANTS]

[SPLUTTERS]

Why would a bike thief
come up Hillary Steps?

I mean, he'd have to carry the bike.

There's no bike thief, George.

Wait for it.

[PANTS]

W... where...

..criminal...

- ..is?
- You OK, Tom?

You.

You're the criminal,
standing right here in front of me.

That is a confidential...

[COUGHS]

..government form.

The annual police
fitness assessment form.

Essential for all frontline police.

- I found it in his rubbish bin.
- Tom, do you want a drink of water

- or something?
- No.

I see everything, Tom.

OK, you've been ignoring this
for the past five years.

[PANTS]

- sh**t.
- Oh, get up, please.

That's the worst acting performance
I've ever seen.

Call an ambulance.

Hannah!

- Look at it.
- Really?

It's magnificent.

I did not know this about you.

- Dad knows him. Come on.
- Ow!

- Hi.
- Hello, ladies.

You got some gold for me?

- Yes.
- Thanks.

Pretty generous, Siouxsie.

This is my daughter, Siouxsie,
and her new friend, Shay.

- Hi.
- This is Dwayne,

from the Stafford Fire Brigade.

He's running the joint boot camp
for the next two days.

How are the numbers looking?

Not so good our end.
But the whole Fire Brigade.

No one wants to give back anymore, huh?

Yep, it's heart-breaking.

Exactly. But, I mean, I do.

Want to give back.

Your cents
really showed us that, Siouxsie.

No, I mean, Shay and I were thinking of

joining the Fire Brigade, actually.

- I'm sorry, we were...?
- In fact, we are super keen.

- Well, that's excellent news.
- That's not what you said

- two weeks ago.
- Yes, it is.

I said we need more women in the force

and you said you'd rather be forced
to listen to Michael Bolton...

Are we allowed to give back
to our community or not?

I say hell yes.

- I say what the hell are you doing?
- And we're in!

- We'll see you at boot camp.
- This afternoon?

- This afternoon?
- Can't wait.

Oh, hey, now, just a warning,
it is gonna be pretty physical.

I love physical.

- He'll live.
- What happened?

Pushed himself too hard is my bet.

Heat exhaustion, low blood pressure,

all can cause fainting after exercise.

As can being generally unfit
and sloth-like.

Steady on, Hannah.

Anyway, I've told him
to get a proper check-up with the GP

before he starts any fitness program.

Oh, come on.
It was not a fitness program.

- It was the line of duty.
- Sort of.

There could have been a real bike
thief up there for all he knew.

Hey, can one of you guys
give him a lift home,

because I'm actually running late
for an appointment.

OK. Come on, Tom.

You do know I'm your superior,
don't you?

- Bye!
- Thanks.

Fiona.

Is everything alright?

Everything?

I just thought...

You're not going to do that

"Am I OK with you and Katie"
thing, are you, because there is...

No, I wasn't. I wasn't.

I know
there are no residual... anythings.

No.

I mean, it would have been
nice to know.

Before I asked you,
and when I asked you.

Well, there wasn't anything to know.
Not at that point.

I mean, all that happened after.

This is all so new. We haven't even...

OK, well, good.

Yeah.

Because I wouldn't have asked,
obviously.

- If I had known.
- Yes.

But everything's alright
between you and me?

Peachy, George.

But like I say, I'm running late.

GEORGE [NARRATES]: So according to
the famous song,

the birds, the bees,
the educated fleas,

the goldfish
in the privacy of their bowls,

they all manage it without any drama.

Oh, whoa, wait.

Actually, I just need to go
this way to my locker.

You have a locker?

Yes, now.

Hey, look, there's Poppy.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Pops.

So why'd you really bail
on the caravan?

Were your dad and Principal Dennis
doing it in the next bunk?

No, no. It wasn't that.

Yahtzee! Whoo! Yes!

I win again. Another game?

Oh, it's getting a bit late,
don't you reckon?

What about Jenga? Come on!

Maybe tomorrow night.

Yeah.

God, lame.

Poor you.

It was kind of funny.

Yeah, we should go. See ya.

See ya.

Bye, Arlo.

That was a bit weird.

What was?

You and Poppy.

- Like besties.
- Why is that weird?

I don't know.

I don't have a problem with Poppy

because I don't need to have
a problem with her, right?

Yeah, right. Of course.

Should we go back to your place
after school today?

Sure.

Big Mac wants us to write a puff piece

about his 'Come to Weld' video,

and one of us should
get down to Memorial Park

to take a photo of the boot camp.

[SIGHS] This is news,
"People do exercise"?

Yeah, people do exercise,
Big Mac makes a video.

- We tell ALL the stories.
- Alright.

I'll sort out the camera for you.

Thanks.

Hiya.

Nice surprise.

I was just in town for an appointment.

Do all the women in Weld
have appointments today?

Mine is with Brenda, in her
capacity as a beauty therapist.

Oh, that's right. She does nails.

And other stuff.

Huh?

Who else has an appointment?

You said, "Do all the women of Weld
have an appointment today?"

Fiona.

But she might have just been making
an excuse to get away from me.

- Really?
- Yeah, I'm getting the vibe.

Oh, no. I don't want things
to be weird.

Maybe I should talk to her.

Maybe she's just got
something else on her mind.

Mmm.

I'll see you tonight, then.

- Looking forward to it.
- Me too.

Hello?

- Fiona.
- I'm fine!

- No, you're not.
- No, honestly, I'm just...

You're crying!

You never cry.
Not even in the 'Titanic' movie.

Yeah, well, that's because
it's completely unrealistic.

Leonardo could have totally
fit on that bit of wood.

Oh, is this my fault?

No.

Really?

Because I think that it might be.

I mean, before the wedding,

when I said that there was nothing
happening between me and George...

And I said
that I wouldn't mind if there was.

Yeah, but there wasn't,
not at that point.

And then I...

I guess I thought
that you wouldn't mind.

Because that's what I said.

But maybe you were just saying that.

Maybe...

- Oh, I'm such a d*ck, God.
- Katie, stop.

It's not because of you.

I went to Stafford Fertility yesterday.

I thought I could have a baby, but...

...I can't have a baby.

What, you're...?

- Have you had tests done?
- No.

I can't afford it.

Do we really have to do this?

Oh, let me have my fun, Shay.

MONTY: So great to have so many
members of our diverse community,

communities.

Proud of our new recruits,
Siouxsie and Shay.

Now, most of you know Dwayne Hospard.

We're lucky to have him here
to give us a hand today.

He is a testament to hard work
and community spirit.

OK, team,
well, we will get straight into it.

We'll start with a warm-up,

and then we'll partner off
and we'll get going.

So just follow me. Let's get ready
to work. So, come on.

Did you see the bicep when he waved?

I bet he loves himself.

It's not his personality
I'm interested in.

So now you're just objectifying
the guy?

You should try it.

It's fun.

What's happening here?

Just a tiny little
Volunteer Fire Brigade boot camp.

A nice walk, you said.
A little stroll, you said.

So I played with the truth a little.

I'm not doing this. You've already
tried to k*ll me once today.

Uh-uh, if you do this, I will
sign your police fitness form, OK?

And that'll be the end of it.

Until next year.

As I've said, I'm your superior.

Yep, and you need a colleague
to sign this,

and I am your only colleague.

So unless you want someone

from the Stafford Police Force
tracking your fitness...?

Alright, everyone. Yep, go.

- Hey, girls.
- Hi, again, Dwayne.

So are you two partners?

No, we're not. I like men.

Partners for the drill.

Right, yeah.

For the drills, we are together.

Uhm, but if you don't have a partner,

Shay can find someone else,
and you and I can get together.

Yeah, thanks.

I'm kind of running
things, so I'll just...

OK. As you were, then.

OK, everybody, and we'll just get
back to a couple of stretches.

- You're disgusting.
- Oh, I'm just getting started.

DWAYNE: The basic hose carry.

The object is to take the hose
from point A to point B

without it getting tangled,
and then roll it back up again.

A tangled and out-of-control hose
is a firefighter's worst enemy.

- [GIGGLES]
- On my whistle.

- [BLOWS WHISTLE]
- [CHEERING]

On you go. Go. Go, go, go!

[YELPS]

Go, go!

Yes, Siouxsie!

Stand on it, Tom! Stand on it!

And we have our winners,
Siouxsie and Shay!

Drill two, the dummy drag.

Each partner
has to drag the other metres.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Just give me your weight.

This isn't so bad.

Ah... ow!

Might as well give me the bloody...

[GRUNTS]

Alright, you girls are naturals!

Nice.

Alright, everybody. Take a breather.

Stay hydrated.

Glad to see you guys doing so well.

Yeah, this is actually pretty fun.

Yeah, well, if you wouldn't mind
dialling it back a little bit.

Which part?

The bit where you guys always win.

I didn't think it was a competition.

It's not about me. I'm fine.
We're all a team here.

- Oh, for God's sake, Bill!
- What?!

You've gotta be in charge
of your apparatus at all times.

OK, everybody, now pay attention

if you want to see me
pulling my one out.

Now there's an offer.

HANNAH: You two are disgraceful.

Us two? It's not me, it's her.

Me? Come on!

Hey, can I sit here?

Yeah, of course.

I feel like I haven't seen you much
since I got back.

Yeah, no.

No.

Heard a rumour you ended
up in Dad's wedding cake,

after we'd gone.

Yep. That was pretty embarrassing.

I, um... I fell.

Clumsy.

Right.

Kind of wish I'd seen that.

I am really glad that you didn't.

[LAUGHS]

Afternoon, class.

Someone told me this morning
this wasn't newsworthy.

But it is.

My daughter appears
to have joined the fire brigade.

Yeah, don't ask.

I'm very impressed.

OK, I'd better get back to it.

Make sure the fridge is full

because when I finish this workout,
I am going to need all the food.

Oh, look, uh, yeah,
tomorrow night might be better.

- What?
- Well, I just, um,

- you know...
- How come?

I-I just want some alone time. Yeah.

So tomorrow.

It's nearly $ ,
for the first consult.

Then it's three grand a cycle.

And even if it happened
the first time...

Wow, yeah, that's...

And when I asked the bank manager
for a loan

and explained what it was for...

- You told them what it was for?
- Well, you have to be honest.

He said...

...I should just go to Night Moves
for happy hour

and get some for free.

The cheek of it!

Oh!

As if you'd breed with
anyone who goes to

happy hour at Night Moves.

[LAUGHS]

You know,
I've always been action woman.

Go-getter.

Think this baby
is just one thing I can't... go get.

There's gotta be a way.

You'd be an amazing mother.

You'd organise
the crap out of that baby.

It'll happen, Fi.
Yeah, that's what George said.

You talked about it with George?

Oh, you know,
just public knowledge, isn't it?

Fiona and her biological clock

deafening all of Weld with its ticking.

At least we're still friends.

Course we are.

How did we ever let a guy
come between us?

What? There's no one here.

There is, actually.

- Hey, Dad.
- Oh. Hey, George.

We were just going to do some homework.

Just gonna help Lindsay
with her homework.

Right. What about tonight?

Are you staying here,
or are you staying at Big Mac's?

- I hadn't thought about it.
- Not Grandpa's.

He's in Auckland on business,

and Dad is there
walking around in his undies.

He says it opens his pores
after working in the septic tanks.

Oh, definitely here, then.

What is for dinner?
Is that home-made pasta?

It's a bit fiddly,
but I'm attempting tortellini.

- But the thing is...
- Dad's home-made pasta is the best.

It is sublime. Do you want a hand?

- I'm only making enough for two.
- What?

I could make some extra,
and you could have it tomorrow.

Oh, my God.
Even my eyelashes are sweating.

But God it was worth it.

Hey, Shay, remember what I said

about tonight
not being a good night to visit?

Yum!

Don't touch a thing.

- Have an apple.
- An apple?

After what I've been through today?

And after what we're gonna do
all over again tomorrow.

Let's not do tomorrow.
It's not worth it.

Just put it back!

- What's up with you?
- OK, listen.

Given that
I've invited someone for dinner,

I would really appreciate it
if none of you were here.

Oh, right.

Roger that, Mr T.

We might need some money for takeaways.

Lindsay.

You can't really ask my dad
for money...

Why are you giving us money?

Because he wants to do
you-know-what with Katie.

Ah, yes.

Dark clouds of romance gather
in the humid sky.

Sex is a beautiful thing.
No judgement here.

SHAY: Really keen to leave right now.

Yep, same.

- Fish and chips at our place?
- Sweet as.

Well, good luck.

The pasta, I mean.

- And the you-know-what.
- Lindsay!

And then he took his singlet off.

Oh, God. The V on him.

Men don't have a V.

Yeah, the hot ones do.

It's the inguinal canal.

It starts here, and it goes down there.

You saw it, right, Shay?

I may have noticed it.

And then he was sweating,
but not like a pig.

Like, just lightly, delicately.

Like I imagine the touch
of his fingertips would be.

OK.

It's just girl talk, Arlo.

Can we not?

OK, change the subject.

I wonder how your dad's getting on.

Oh, God.

You don't need to be
so creeped out by it.

How do you think you were made?

I just want to eat
my pineapple fritter, please.

Do you think you were delivered
in the night by a flamingo?

A stork.

[LAUGHTER]

Whatever, those big birds
with the beaks.

Same diff, FYI.

Not really, FYI.

Maybe you should go back to
perving at your fireman.

It's tragic.

So, um... how's Poppy?

She's alright.

Uh, do we want to watch a movie
or something?

I don't know.
We should give Poppy a call.

See if she wants to come over
and watch a movie with us.

Sure. She's a cool chick.

Yeah, so...

Do you think Dwayne
has ever eaten a carb?

Not in his recent lifetime, no.

♪ Oh, and when the day is done ♪

♪ I've tried, I've tried ♪

♪ But I won't stop until
I've won your love ♪

♪ He might walk, but I will run ♪

♪ It's my time, it's my time ♪

♪ But I won't stop until
I've won your love ♪

♪ How can I start ♪

♪ If with the leaves I fall? ♪

- ♪ Girl, is your heart...? ♪
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]

Come in, gorgeous. No need to knock.

Oh, "Come in, gorgeous, yourself," hey?

- Woody. G'day, mate.
- Hey.

I know I don't usually knock,
but I thought it's been a while.

You might have forgotten your old mate.

- How was the trip?
- Oh, awesome. Epic.

Although the campervan was a little
bit on the compact side, hey, Pops?

Just a bit.

Do you have a five?

Go fish.

In your face, sucker!

And, you know, it was a honeymoon.

You shouldn't play board games
on your honeymoon.

Trace shouldn't play board games ever.

What's going on here?

- Dinner.
- Oh, yeah, I can see that.

Yeah, it turns out your wedding day
was pretty good for, uh...

Yeah, I heard the rumour.

Got yourself lucky. Uh, yes.

Well, I count myself lucky.

Me and Trace, we were hoping someone

would get some lovin' at our wedding,

and the fact that it was you,
mate, awesome.

You know, when you called me
'gorgeous' just now, I thought,

"That's pretty weird, but I'm not
gonna get uptight about it."

Because we're good mates. But you
weren't calling me 'gorgeous'.

No, I wasn't. I wouldn't.

- I thought you were...
- Yeah, Fiona.

I mean, you guys
were gonna get back together.

- Dad.
- Because Fiona,

she's... she's a good chick, mate.

And out of all the women in Weld,

she deserves a good bloke.

And you, George Turner,
good bloke, mate.

Katie.

- Hey?
- I was trying to tell you.

It's Katie I'm expecting, not Fiona.

I... I got together with Katie.

Yeah. Well, yeah.

Yeah, she's a good sort too, mate.

And, you know,
deserves all the good times as well.

Just excuse me a sec.

Gonna quickly send a, uh...

So I'm walking past the guy
with the bucket,

and I chuck a couple of dollars in,
and I'm like,

"This is it, this is how we do it."

- How you do it.
- I'm... I'm completely lost.

We fundraise for a baby.

- The sperm bank.
- Are you crazy?

What's crazy about that?
It takes a village to raise a child.

Well, it also takes a village
to get one.

And this village, we can do that.

Katie, I am not going to ask people
to part with their hard-earned...

When the cricket team
needed new uniforms,

who went door-to-door knocking?

I'm on the team. That's my duty.

When we couldn't afford Billy's
school camp fees in Year Nine,

who threw together a meat pack
and raffled it off?

That's different.

How many guide dog puppies
do you sponsor?

It was two, but one of them failed.

The gold one, Volty.
But she's a pet now.

The point is, you give and give.

I don't want people to know
I've been to a sperm bank.

- They don't have to know.
- Hey!

- Hi.
- Tracey!

How was the honeymoon?

Amazing, amazing and amazing.

- You're looking great.
- So are you!

And as for you, I am so happy for you.

You and George!

- Sorry?
- At the wedding!

It's alright, he's told Woody.
He just texted me.

- He told Woody what?
- What's wrong?

I mean, Woody and I picked it.

I think half of Weld
was secretly hoping

the two of you would get back together.

Oh, no.

We didn't get back together.

He's not...

He's with... he's with Katie now.

Oh!

But Woody said that...

Oh, hold on. There's another one.

"Not Fiona, Katie."

- It's fine. And we're fine.
- Yeah, we're fine.

And I'm happy for them, so...

I am so sorry.

Oh, like, "Blah, blah, blah," and...

No, it's OK.

I mean, he gets around,
that... that George Turner.

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

Wine!

- Definitely wine.
- Yes.

So who are all the new people?

Oh, they're from
the Stafford Fire Brigade.

They're doing some kind of
big boot camp thing,

eating us out of everything.

Oh, my God. That's it.

The customers for the pop-up
car boot sale and cake stall.

- Ooh, I love a car boot sale.
- Great! You're in.

[SIGHS]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hi. Everything alright?

Yes, and I know I'm stupidly late.

It's OK.

I'm so sorry, but I can't make it.

Oh.

Is that OK?

You haven't gone to any big effort
or anything?

No. No, not at all.

It's just I went to the boat club
to talk to Fiona, and we're good.

We're fine.
Everything is out on the table.

- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- Come in!

Everything?

And the thing is, now I'm home,

and I'm organising a fundraiser
in about eight hours.

I see.

Come to my place if you want,
and bring bric-a-brac.

What-a-what?

Stuff that you don't want anymore,
to sell.

Oh... I don't know.

Don't come.

We could catch up tomorrow?

OK. Great.

Bye.

GEORGE [NARRATES]: The more
painstaking effort you've put in,

the more perfection you've strived for,

the more likely she won't turn up.

Maybe humans need to take a lesson
from the golden eagle,

they just fly at each other,

connect in mid-air
at miles an hour and...

[SIGHS]

Mmm.

Or maybe you should just
chill the hell out.

You're not some spotty -year-old boy

trying to impress the girls
with a skateboard trick.

Not anymore.

I think if I ever owned bric-a-brac,

it's now at the bottom of the ocean

with everything else
in my shipping container.

Oh, yeah, forgot about that.

Oh, we don't need bric-a-brac.

We've got the sausage sizzle,
the meat raffle.

- Poppy's making lemonade.
- Why the urgency?

The Stafford Fire Brigade
are in town again tomorrow

for the boot camp.

We figured they'll be
hungry and thirsty,

so may as well cash in.

Right. What are you raising money for?

I'm sure she wouldn't mind
if we tell him. It's only George.

Fiona is buying herself
some little swimmers.

- Woody!
- What, she is!

She's going
down the fertility clinic route.

A sperm donor.
But they're expensive, so...

Oh, right. Um, OK.

She's OK with all this?

Yeah, she was a little resistant at
first, but Katie is very determined.

She really wants a baby, George, and
this is how we do things in Weld.

- Katie, how's that?
- Awesome.

[PHONE BEEPS]

They're gonna donate
some herbs from their farm.

Ooh, I'm definitely going to buy
some of their coriander.

Look, I might head home and see
what I can rustle up to help.

Oh, OK.

And we'll meet at Memorial Park
at o'clock tomorrow?

- OK.
- OK, bye.

Bye.

Oh, it's OK, we won't look while
you say goodbye to your boyfriend.

Nice work, by the way, George.

We're happy for ya.

Hey, if you guys get married,

you can say you met
at our shindig in your speech.

Woody, pressure!

First things first, hey?

Yeah.

Bye.

[INDICATOR CLICKS]

Sorry for the late-night visit.

Is everything alright?

That was what I was here to ask you.

I've just been
with the fundraising committee.

They are crazy.

And loving and generous
and all of that, but they're crazy.

Well, they know...

Katie knows how much
you really want a baby.

Yeah.

It's not exactly a secret, is it?

No.

And I feel really bad about
you having to go down this path.

Well, I did tell you I was desperate.

Yes, so I really think we should
talk about this a little bit longer.

I could... I don't know, I could
discuss it with Katie, and...

I don't... I don't know
what you're saying.

Well, neither do I, really.

I mean, I could...
I could sound her out.

I mean, this thing
has only just started.

George, no. No way.

You just said it yourself,
you're just getting started.

You don't... I don't want to be
an obstacle to that.

You could never be an obstacle.

I just...

I just wish that you had told me

instead of me having to read
about it in your bloody column.

Oh, see, this is why my asking you
was a really stupid idea.

I'm really sorry.

I just want you to be happy, George.

And Katie.

Who is my friend,
and who deserves a good man.

I want you to be happy.

Thank you.

I can do this by myself.

And if a cake stall is
what it takes, then...

cake stall it is.

Yeah, well, I guess it's a great story

you can tell to your kid
when he grows up.

He or she.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

[SIGHS]

Interval training
is not meant to be fun.

You are not here for a tea party.

You are here to work hard.

Let's go. Dig it in!

What's going on over there?

- Thank you so much.
- Don't hurt yourself.

- Hi.
- Hey.

You did all this last night?

Yeah, I printed out all the
little labels with the instructions.

This is amazing.

It's a bit nerdy, but it's all I had.

You are so great.

- May I?
- Yeah.

You've gotta pay for it.

Are they doing it to t*rture us?

TOM: I don't remember
issuing any permits.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

OK, let's focus in, team.

We've got the m hose relay. Let's go.

Smell those fried onions.

Come on, let's go! Let's go!

Come on!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Go! Come on!

Push it!

[PANTS] What are you doing?

Come on! Keep going!

If I have to carry a hose, it means
the Fire Brigade hasn't turned up,

which is their problem, not mine.

[GRUNTS]

Oi, get back...! [GRUNTS]

- Hey, want one of these, mate?
- Too right, mate!

You two, Siouxsie, Shay, move it.
Come on! Faster!

God. I love it when he talks like that.

"Oh, Siouxsie."

Very impressive. Good stamina.

Thanks. I'm all about the stamina.

Good professionalism there, citizen.

Oh, well, I think
you're doing a fantastic job here.

Call me Hannah.

I'm the station assistant
for the Weld Police Force.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

- How much?
- One dollar.

Make it $ .

- Hi.
- Hey.

I'll take a couple of tickets
for the meat pack.

Yes.

I'm six years Paleo, so I'd love it.

- Well, good luck, then.
- Thanks.

I can't believe
I actually have to pay for it.

Yeah, five bucks. Hand it over.

Yumbo. This would be amazing
with some vodka in it, am I right?

- It is weird, right?
- Mmm.

I mean, I ended up in a wedding cake

because of how uptight
Lindsay is about Poppy.

Oh, Arlo,
innocent little brother of mine.

You have so much to learn
about girls and sexual politics.

[LAUGHS]

Or maybe Lindsay genuinely likes Poppy.

I mean, she is a nice person.

Yeah, sure.

But more likely she's keeping
her enemy close,

making her her new BFF,

so that she can never
go for her boyfriend,

even if you two break up,

because BFFs don't do that.

And Poppy's getting sucked into it

because she's a nice person,
as you say.

And you, you're just standing here

watching
as your manipulative girlfriend

makes damn sure that you and Poppy

will never, ever be together.

Selfie!

What's this thing
raising money for anyway?

Oh, who knows?

In Weld,
we have fundraisers for anything.

Look.

Should we go help him?

[GROANS] Do we have to?

You don't feel like a creep yet?

Need help unfurling that thing, chief?

I'm not unfurling it, I'm furling it.

Or whatever the opposite
of unfurling is.

I'm putting my hose away,
I'm not taking it out.

Just offering our assistance, Dwayne.

I mean, if you need another pair
of hands on your equipment...

You know what? Stop.

You two are the worst volunteers
to ever volunteer.

What? We worked really hard today.

Well, there's no room
for sexual harassment

in any volunteer organisation.

Whoa, hold on.

If you don't want the attention,

you shouldn't wear the little shorts
and the skimpy singlet.

You're victim-blaming now.

So I'm not meant to wear
what I feel comfortable in?

Because long shorts
actually chafe, girls.

[SNICKERS]

I'm very sorry.

[GIGGLES]

What you two did was very uncool.

- Everything alright, team?
- No.

As your Stafford counterpart, Monty,

I recommend that these two
be banned from the VFB.

- What?
- We were just teasing.

What did they do?

This is unbelievably amazing.

Exhausted firefighters, delicious food,

it was a no-brainer.

Excuse me, I'm going to draw
the raffle in a minute.

The people of Weld are having
a street party without me.

What's all this in aid of?

- G'day, Dad. Fiona.
- G'day, mate. What's going on?

It's the Weld population
growth strategy.

- Hey?
- It's a code.

A cake sale.

Scones, that kind of thing.

Not all the women of Weld
are like that, I promise.

The VFB is a vital service.

Oh, I know.

You're very passionate about it,
aren't ya?

I respect the flame.

I learnt to, the hard way.

My first summer on the job.

Wow.

$ . .

That is incredible.

It's not bloody bad for a day's work.

Hold that thought.

I'm going to deliver this
to the recipient.

Then you're gonna come straight back?

Yes, I am.

I packed my toothbrush.

Great.

It's enough
for the initial appointment.

What?

I am so grateful.

I really am.

But I can't do this, Katie.

Fi, the money's yours.

Don't be funny about taking it.

No, it's the whole thing.

What happens in five years' time

when he or she comes home from school

and they want to know about Daddy?

And all I've got is a first name

and a bunch of statistics on a bit
of paper from a fertility clinic?

Isn't that what
the first appointment's for?

To talk all this stuff through?

I don't think that I need to
talk it through.

Look...

...just take the money,
and put it in a savings account...

I wasn't thinking straight, Katie.

It came from me asking George,

and he was lovely about it,

but I think that the sperm bank idea

was some kind of reaction
to that conversation.

What conversation?

Oh, crap.

I thought that he must have told you.

I thought that was why that,

you were pushing the
whole fundraiser thing.

Oh, anyway, look, it's nothing.

It doesn't matter.

You can't really do that,

say that it's nothing
when it's clearly something.

Great. You made it back.

No phone call to say
you'd been held up or...

any unexpected obstacle.

What's wrong?

Fiona told me what happened
with you two at the wedding.

How... she asked you to help
her out with the whole...

baby question.

Yes. She did ask that.

And then you went to see her
last night.

I did.

And you didn't tell me any of it.

No. No, I did not.

And you're not pissed off with me?

You were thinking
about Fiona's feelings.

You are such a lovely, good man.

Well, thanks, Ngahuia.

Keep the change.
You can add it to your fund.

No, thanks. I don't need it.

I'm sorry, Fiona,

but is an anonymous donor
really the way to go?

I mean, you're not that old.
It's not like you're withering up.

That's my business.

Thank you, Bill.

I mean, if you really wanted to
have children,

why not have them with Robbie?

I mean, driving the ambulance,
running the museum,

sitting on the council,

it's like you did
everything but try to get pregnant.

Oh, for God sake, I did, alright?
I did get pregnant.

I was pregnant on my wedding day.

There was apple juice
in my wine glass all day.

And we didn't tell anyone

because you're meant to wait till
weeks in case something happens.

And it did.

Oh, Fiona.

I'm so sorry.

You could have said.

At the time, you know.

You and Robbie
could have said something.

I didn't want anyone
to feel sorry for me.

And I thought, you know,
I'd get pregnant again.

That we'd get another chance.

But...

...it just wasn't meant to be.

GEORGE [NARRATES]: Even so-called
experts like Charles Darwin,

after years observing
creatures great and small,

thought the whole subject of sex
was hidden in darkness.

For all animals and humans,

the process of attracting a mate

can be elaborate, troublesome,

and sometimes downright dangerous.

Argh.

- Morning, Dwayne.
- Constable.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Sign.

You didn't complete the boot camp.

You snuck off during interval training

and bought a custard square.

Sign, and no one needs
to know about your...

overnight guest

and related blurring
of professional boundaries,

Station Assistant Richards.

Especially two girls who were banned

from the VFB for less.

Fine.

Thank you.

GEORGE [NARRATES]: Male birds
singing during breeding season

have been known
to drop dead from exhaustion.

I heard there's a south-west change.

You might want to cover up.

Although you are welcome to wear it
later on in the bedroom.

[LAUGHS]

Hyena society is female-dominated.

The male approaches
in a submissive position,

but will slink away if the female
hyena isn't interested.

"The worst volunteers
ever to volunteer."

[LAUGHS]

OK, in this moment,

would you rather that cupcake,
or Dwayne and his smokin' hot V?

Well, I don't have to shave my legs
for the cupcake.

- Cheers to that.
- Cheers.

Cupcakes, not beefcakes.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, Poppy.

Hey.

Me and a couple of the
girls are going to go

to Stafford after
school to go shopping.

Want to come?

There's, like, nowhere around here
to buy decent clothes, obvi.

Meet you at the bus stop at four?

Actually, I'm OK, thanks.

Cheers for the offer,

but I promised Tracey and Dad
I'd play board games with them.

What a bitch.

Hey, you're the fireman.

Yeah, Dwayne.

- Hi. I'm Fiona.
- Yeah, I know you.

You drive the ambo, right?

- Mm-hm.
- What can I do for you?

Actually, Dwayne,
it's what I can do for you.

GEORGE [NARRATES]: But all creatures
great and small would agree...

It's so much better when
you're with somebody else.

Whatever.

I thought you were never
coming back to bed.

I think I'm never leaving.

Hey, um...

Do you wanna get out of here?


I don't wanna be that girl.

What girl?

The one that goes with
someone else's girlfriend.


- Weekend away?
- Oh my gosh, yes. As soon as possible.

- I've got a tent and I've got a...
- I'll start looking up luxury lodges...

- _
- You're talking about camping, right?

What, camping in a tent?

This is possibily the worst
holiday I've ever had.

If you couldn't handle it

- then you should've said.
- Look, I didn't wanna

- come here in the first place!
- You...!

Brilliant!

New Words, next Tuesday.