03x04 - Fangs for the Memories

[bunniefuu]

Help!

Somebody help me!

Vlad.

You saved me.

Vlad?

What's put that smile on your face?

Don't creep up like that.

- What's the problem?
- Nothing. We training or what?

'If I wipe out the bloodline that infected you, the curse will lift.'

'I was bitten.'

We know what that means.

And when the time comes,

you know what has to be done.

I told you, we're going to cure you.

If I can wipe out the bloodline

that infected you, the curse will lift.

'Did you do it?

'Did you stake Ingrid?'

She's a monster. She's not human.

'I couldn't. I'm so sorry.'

'Think of me as one of them now.'

I'm dangerous to be around.

I'll save you, I promise.

ERIN SOBS

I'll catch you up.

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

Can I come in?

What's wrong? Is it this place?

I know...

it's not exactly...homely.

- We can customise your coffin if that would help.
- It wouldn't.

Then what is it?

- You can talk to me.
- No. I can't.

Leave me alone.

Please.

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

Come in.

What's that?

Mr Cuddles, the second.

The second?

- Mr Cuddles the first had an unfortunate accident.
- Vladimir!

- What is this THING?
- That thing?

I've never seen it before.

- Mr Cuddles!
- Oh, so it's Mr Cuddles now, is it?

- I don't normally sleep with him.
- Is poor little Vladdy lonely?

- You're supposed to be my son and heir!
- I never chose to be, did I?

Right.

Take it out on the monkey, why don't you?

Lock up your teddies! They'll be scared of you now!

- It was a million years ago.
- A million?

Well, ten.

Five.

Four.

A vampire with a teddy bear.

BIRDS CAW

Come along, Renfield.

Work to be done.

Not you, you little furball.

Go - go to Ingrid. Go on. Shoo! Shoo!

- Ha-ha!
- Why do I have to look after him?
- He's your half-brother.

From a mother I want nothing to do with.

You wanted to take him in.

So Vlad's training means he's exempt, and as I'm female,

I get to be the dog-minder?

Exactly! Oh, you're being sarcastic.

I hadn't even started yet.

Renfield!

He's pretty much the only thing I managed to save from Stokely.

You miss that place, don't you?

I had a life there. I had friends. Well, one friend.

- Another vampire?
- No.

He was normal.

What are you doing?

- Aren't you going to bite me?
- Bite you? Why?

- You can if you want.
- No!

I'm not good enough cos I'm "not a vampire"?

Checkmate!

Who's the loser? Who's the loser?

Go loser. Go loser. Go loser.

- Not being a vampire doesn't mean you can't be evil.
- Thanks, Vlad.

You're my best mate.

Robin, I'm your only mate.

Exactly.

OK. He wasn't normal.

But I still miss him.

Why did you leave?

After what Ingrid did, we had no choice.

Is he...is he dead?

I don't know, and I don't care.

He's your brother!

You must help him!

I'll decide what I must do!

From now on, you will call me Countess Dracula.

If we didn't escape when we did, she would have k*lled us.

- Your sister wrecked your life?
- It's kind of her thing.

But you saved her from the slayers and let her move in?

She's my sister.

Do you have any brothers or sisters?

A brother.

Does he know...?

Yeah. He...didn't take it very well.

Nobody ever does.

The idea of turning into a vampire...

He couldn't handle it.

It drove us apart.

Where is he now?

I don't know. He won't tell me.

It's probably for the best. For both of you.

He'll reject you,

maybe even try to slay you.

He's better off remembering you as you were.

So that's it? Once you're a vampire,

you're cut off from your friends and family forever?

For eternity?

You're not alone.

You've got me.

I mean, us.

What's she doing here?

- I've asked Erin to stay with us.
- This half-fang?

- Why?
- She saved Ingrid's life.
- You're really not selling her.

- She's staying, whether you like it or not.
- My castle, MY RULES!

Hmm.

To the left!

Left, not backwards, you imbecile!

Yes, yes, there.

Dear!

Mr Count! What are you doing?

Oh, deciding where my statue should stand.

Your statue?

A statue of you?

Hmm.

- How big is this thing going to be?
- Well, I thought...

So high?

I'm not sure if I'd look best cast from bronze, or...

..chiselled from stone.

What do you think?

I think we need school computers.

I'm not wasting money on some passing fad.

This statue will be a timeless masterpiece.

Oh, Wolfie! Leave that! Bad boy!

I think he likes you.

- How old is he?
- In human or dog years?

- You're not fooling anybody.
- What do you mean?

Beneath that stern exterior, you're just a big softy.

Not many men would take in their ex's son.

You must have a good heart.

So have you.

HEARTBEAT

strong, healthy beats per minute...

...

Well,

I'll leave you to your timeless masterpiece.

The cheekbones should be more defined. The jaw squarer.

Make it imposing! I want this statue to strike fear into the hearts...

SQUEAKING

Wolfie! Will you stop that!

Sorry, Uncle Count.

Don't call me that. I'm NOT your uncle.

ENOUGH!

Get out of my sight, you heinous aberration of nature.

Ah, thank you.

No, not you. The other one.

I'm sending you back to your mother.

Please let me stay.

You've tried my patience enough.

I'll fill in your travel permit.

Then you'll be out of my life for good.

Where do you keep the matches?

Does it hurt?

What?

Oh, the fire thing? Nah.

When your fangs come through...

- You don't want to know about that.
- I do.

I need to be prepared.

- They'll think I'm a newly-bitten half-fang.
- You can't live with them.

You're a vegetarian.

And a trained slayer.

With a pulse!

I've been using stasis spray.

It blocks out my heartbeat, my breathing and my scent.

How bad is the change, really?

It's OK. That's the worst of it,

but vampire life's not all bad.

The speed thing's pretty cool,

you can hypnotise people...

Does it work on everyone?

- Not people you're in love with. Otherwise, yes.
- Even other vampires?

I'll show you how it's done.

You make eye contact,

and draw them in, freezing them with your gaze

like a rabbit, caught in the headlights.

Then before you know it, they're...

They're what?

Dad?

You've hypnotised him.

- No way!
- You have.

Watch this.

"Hello!

"My name's Count Dracula-la-la!"

How did I do that?

"You are now a true vampire. Ha ha ha haaah!"

Can you stop that? It's freaking me out.

Vampires are tough, but breathers are easy.

Have you ever used your powers to get a girl?

It's actually me who lives in a castle,

but I'm sure you still want to go out with Robin, so...

- Delilah!
- Hi, Robin.

You're dumped. And yes, Vlad,

I would love to go to the ball with you. See you.

That would be wrong...

So it turns out Delilah didn't fancy either of us!

- Not yet she doesn't.
- Vlad!

MUSIC

Let's do it.

BOTTLE BREAKS, MUSIC STOPS

Hey, boys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

GIRLS SCREAM

So, so wrong.

When will I start wanting to...you know?

Drink blood?

Not till you're fully changed.

How long have I got?

Some people turn straightaway.

Others, their blood fights it. It can take months.

Do some people never change?

No.

It happens eventually. Once bitten, there's no going back.

I heard if you wipe out the clan of the vampire who infected you,

you can be cured.

Did you stake Ingrid?

I couldn't.

I'm so sorry.

- Is that true?
- That's just a legend.

- But does it work?
- No.

But that doesn't stop people from trying.

No!

That wasn't your plan all along, was it?

I don't know what you mean.

Yes, you do. You plan to go after the vampire that bit you.

No, I'm not.

Really, I'm not.

I promise.

OK.

Because v*olence is never the way.

Says the Vampire King.

Chosen One, actually.

Whatever.

I didn't choose this job.

It chose me.

I didn't even want to be a vampire.

I hate being a vampire! It really sucks!

- Isn't that rather the point?

Everyone gets first-bite nerves. You need practice

until you're old enough to start on the peasants.

Now be a brave boy,

and bite the bunny.

I'm not biting the bunny.

I'm not biting anyone!

You're a vampire.

START ACTING LIKE ONE!

Come to measure me for my coffin?

No, but good thinking. We can do that later.

Can't...wait.

Neither can I.

This will bring us so much closer.

We can go out flying and hunting

- and terrorising together, father and son.
- No!

I'm not you, Dad. I never will be.

Is there a choice? A way to get out of becoming a vampire?

Get out of...becoming a vampire?

Being a vampire is your destiny.

Nothing you can do will change that.

"The Staff of Carpathia, a new attraction at Stokely Museum.

"Legend has it that one blow from the staff will cure vampirism."

Robin, this is brilliant!

It does cure vampirism!

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

It's my favourite backscratcher.

I lost it years ago and I've never been able to replace it. Ah.

Oh...heaven.

Want to try?

Why did I get my hopes up?

So you never found a cure?

No.

But I learned to live with it.

And so will you.

You were born a vampire. This is all normal for you.

Sleeping in mouldy coffins, hiding in shadows...

Running from slayers...

No normal life, no friends, no sunshine...

It's OK.

Your dad and sister don't seem to have a problem

with the vampire thing.

We shall bite them on the beaches.

We shall bite them in the fields and in the streets!

We shall bite them in the hills.

We shall never surrender!

Ha-ha-ha!

I am the Prince of Darkness.

That's because they're power-hungry maniacs.

Oh, for vampires, that's a compliment.

Dad's loving this Chosen One thing.

My time is past.

Our people are suffering.

We are being hunted down and destroyed.

We hide in the shadows,

waiting for the Chosen One.

The Chosen One?

A vampire with exceptional powers,

who will lead us once again...

to glory.

Vladimir Dracula.

You are the Chosen One.

Wrong. I don't even want to be a vampire.

- Vladimir Dominus...
- Look, thanks for the offer...

- Vladimir Dominus...
- I think I'll give it a miss.

Is that the time?

Vladimir Dominus Imperatur Electus

Vladimir Dominus Imperatur Electus Vladimir Dominus Imperatur Electus

You can't escape your destiny, Vlad.

Dad was always so disappointed in me.

He shouldn't have been.

Oh, come on, Renfield, you twit!

Time is of the essence!

SQUEAKING

Oi!

Shut it!

DEFLATED SQUEAK

The world awaits my magnificent likeness!

Get on with it.

Hold on to your fangs,

and prepare to cower

before the mighty image of Count Dracula!

You idiot!

But Master, it's not my fault.

Look, Wolfie got the plans wet.

Ha-ha!

Wolfie, you're a genius. You tripped him!

I couldn't have done better myself!

So, once you're bitten, you become a vampire,

you crave human blood...

I'm never going to drink human blood.

I get intense cravings.

Sometimes it's all I can think about,

but I'm determined to fight it.

Children, prepare to meet your uncle,

Ivan the Bloodthirsty,

devourer of souls

and black-hearted butcher of....

Yo! Big bro!

Come gimme a hug.

Ivan?

The name's Harvey now.

Ivan's so...old country.

Let's go hunt some peasant.

Ah...

There's no easy way to break this to you, bro.

I don't do peasant any more. Gave up the red stuff.

Blood-free since ' !

I drink soya substitute. All the goodness, none of the badness.

- You know you live blood-free?
- Yeah.

Can all vampires do it?

You betcha.

It's all about finding inner peace.

- Why? You interested?
- Definitely! For the first time,

I can imagine becoming a vampire.

The whole blood thing, it's not me.

The only problem is...

- My brother?
- He's not big on inner peace.

But...

I could convert him?

Oh, sorry.

Didn't I mention? I'm vegetarian.

Got some badgers' noses.

- They're more gristle than meat.
- Are you trying to give me a blood ulcer?

What in the name of the Impaler has happened to you?

I cleaned up my act, bro.

I had to. I was out of control,

draining peasants a day.

I tried everything to cut down - patches, hypnotherapy.

Nothing worked. Then I met a bunch of new-age werewolves.

- Why does it always have to be werewolves?
- Dad.

They told me if I'd eat good, I'd do good.

Dad, this is the st century.

All the cool vampires are living blood-free. I was thinking, perhaps,

possibly, maybe you could give it a try.

Maybe.

Maybe we could live in a little cottage,

and eat nuts, and grow daffodils.

NEVER!

- A vegetarian vampire?
- Yeah...

Slayer's blood.

I don't believe you. You said living blood-free was our best chance!

Blood-free was a deluded dream! Tell him, Ivan!

He's right. This is sensational.

I haven't felt this undead in years. There's only one way for us to live,

up to our eyes in BLOOD!

It didn't last very long.

Go on. In you get.

But...I want to stay with you.

SQUEAKING

So long, Wolfie.

Give my regards to your mother.

Good riddance, eh, Master?

WOLFIE HOWLS

Just you and me again now, Sire.

As it should be.

Wait!

WHISTLES

I've reconsidered.

You may stay on a trial - a trial - basis.

But, Master!

Oh, but Master nothing!

So basically, there's no way out of it.

Your family will reject you

and eventually some slayer will hunt you down and stake you.

You make it sound so negative.

I'm sorry, Erin.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I was bitten.

We both know what that means.

I'm never going to see my brother again, am I?

Maybe.

How can I? After everything you've told me?

Breathers and vampires can't mix!

That could change.

How?

All my life,

I've been living up to other people's expectations.

I feel perhaps you're not trying your best to pass this blood test.

I know no son and heir of mine would fail something so straightforward,

and if they did, well,

they wouldn't be my son and heir for very long.

Are you saying you'd disown me if I fail the test?

No, of course not.

I'd just deny all knowledge of your existence.

You are the Chosen One. You must take your place on the throne.

I'm sorry, Your Grandness, but I think there's been a mistake.

You'll know you are the Chosen One

when you sacrifice the life you love

to save the family you love.

Robin, the crown. Now.

That's my Vladdy!

It's my life.

I'll make this Chosen One thing work for me.

How're you going to do that?

When I get my full powers,

I'll do things my way.

They want me to lead vampires out of the shadows, take over the world,

OK. But nobody gets hurt.

Nobody gets hurt?

I want vampires and breathers to live together in peace.

I want the bloodshed to end,

forever.