03x10 - The Return

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OWL HOOTS

THUDDING

THUDDING CONTINUES

METAL CLINKS

- You're getting sloppy.
- Vlad! Where have you been?

Not important.

- We've got a full night's work to do.
- Hold on.

- We should let the Count know you're back.
- Later.

When I rule the vampire clans, I'll need an edge.

I need to know the histories,

the traditions and the dark secrets.

The Praedictum Impaver is blank.

Without that wisdom, how will you lead?

My darker side's part of me now.

My powers are honed and I'm ready to rule.

- I'll write my own destiny.
- And how do you see that?

- Still think humans and vampires can live in harmony?
- Don't worry.

I've seen the light.

Of all the clans, the Barrack worry me most.

They are highly respected and hold great influence.

If they go against me, it will be hard to maintain order.

They do have a weakness.

During the East Blood w*r, they secretly betrayed their allies

in return for leverage...

Renfield?! Where's my fang floss?

You're back!

- Why wasn't I informed?
- We've been busy.

I've been worried.

I'm sure if my heart wasn't as unforgiving as tempered steel,

there would be a tear in my eye.

- No need to worry, I'm fine.
- Tell me all about your adventures.

- I'll insist Renfield prepare something edible.
- Sorry, Dad,

but I want to work with Bertrand before school.

You're not going to bother with school?

- It's important to keep up pretence.
- Let me help, what are you doing?

- We're studying vampire clans.
- Excellent.

- I could tell you some wonderful stories.
- I don't want stories.

I want facts. And Bertrand knows those.

Right.

I'll leave you to it, then.

Let's go.

First up, double maths.

You have to learn to take challenges in your stride.

I could teach you some coping mechanisms.

Ingrid, he's back.

- When did you get here?
- Last night.

- And you didn't come and see me?
- It's been hectic.

Vlad.

- What? You don't do hugs.
- I've changed.
- Apparently.

When you left me to burn in the sunlight, I hit rock bottom.

In therapy, I realised I have to be happy with who I am

and not envy other people. You'll make a great leader.

I've only been gone a week, right?

Slayer.

- Who's that?
- Jonathan Van Helsing.

He's from a family of pathetic slayers - or was,

until Vlad mind-wiped them to forget about the existence of vampires.

- And has it worn off?
- Vlad's about to find out.

SCHOOL BELL

Hi.

Vlad!

This is mad! You go to this school?

- I don't believe this.
- What are you doing here?

My mum got a job with the local education authority.

She had to see Miss McCauley.

I thought I'd check out the sixth form.

- Total coincidence, then.
- Total.

Why did you leave Stokely in such a rush?

- One minute you was there, then...
- Dad.

- You remember what he was like?
- Who could forget? Bonkers.

- Good laugh, though.
- That's him.
- Oh, bit awkward.

Why awkward?

Same old Ingrid. Still in denial.

I'm putting up my hands, I shouldn't have dumped you the way I did.

- Had a good look round? Your mum's waiting for you in my office.
- Great.

Catch you later.

Why does that insect think we were an item?

I always thought you'd make a great couple.

Curse the Van Helsings.

- There's only one way to deal with slayers.
- Wipe them out.

I agree.

But it could be a trick.

They could be spying on us for the slayers' guild.

- And how do we find that out?
- Test their mind-wipes are still intact.

Something up with Jonno's. I'd never have that creep as a boyfriend.

Victims of mind-wipes make up memories to fill the gaps.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

HISSING

If the Van Helsings were coming to slay us,

I don't think they'd knock first, do you?

No.

Enter.

Morning. Here's an old friend of yours.

- I couldn't believe it when Jonno told me. Mr Count. And Vlad.
- Hi.

- Ingrid.
- Hello.
- It's so lovely to see you all.

So, governor of a school.

I always said you should work with children.

- How very kind. You're looking lovely as always.
- Still a charmer.

- That hasn't changed.
- So, how's that husband of yours?

I'm afraid Eric was k*lled. In an accident.

Really? How...

- Tragic.
- Yes, of course, tragic.

Those memories of us all back in Stokely really kept us going.

The line dancing, and the Valentine's party.

- The time I stayed for the weekend.
- Good times.

- They really were.
- We should be getting on.

- What are you doing today?
- I'll be in Miss McCauley's office,

- working through initiatives that affect the school.
- Excellent.

- Perhaps see you all later.
- Yeah.

- VLAD:
- Bye.

She didn't come to stay, I had her chained up in a dungeon.

She was totally at ease. Her heart didn't miss a b*at.

But they still need to be tested.

I need you to go along with Jonno's imaginary romance.

Put his mind-wipe under pressure. Make sure he's not faking it.

- If that's what you want.
- It is.

I'll do it. Cross my cold dead heart. I'm a team player now.

And Dad - stay away from Mina.

I know what a weakness you have for the necks of beautiful women,

but it's vital you all do what I say.

- Do you understand?
- Yes.

- I didn't hear you, Dad.
- Yes, Vlad. I understand.
- Thank you.

- How did it go?
- They think we're harmless.

Big mistake.

Four versus two, doesn't seem fair.

The way the Count looks at me

makes me want to drive a stake into his heart.

It's one day. Once I've got the layout of the Dracula's quarters

and you've worked out the size of the nest in the school,

- we're out of here.
- Please be careful.

I lost your dad to vampires, I don't want to lose you too.

Don't fuss.

They'll try and test your mind wipe.

- If you see any vampire stuff...
- I'll know what to do.

I'm trained slayer, at the top of my game.

I remembered how much you liked little fluffy bunnies.

What a good memory you've got.

Always pretending you're so tough when inside you're a big old softie.

Miss me? Of course you have.

I still get choked when I remember you begging me not to end it.

- I don't think I actually begged.
- Oh, you did. On your knees.

- Well, I've moved on now.
- You've matured,

we both have.

- That's why I want to give us another go.
- Why not?

See you guys have picked up where you left off.

Do you fancy a walk? It's a lovely day.

- I don't do the sun.
- You were always trying to get a tan.

Not any more. Pale and interesting, that's me.

There must be somewhere we can hang out.

Why don't you show me where you live?

- I don't think so.
- No, good idea.

Maybe seeing some of her old stuff might bring back some memories.

- Great.
- I'll catch you up. Won't be a minute.

TEDDY SQUEAKS

If Ingrid's testing Jonno,

shouldn't someone be doing the same to Mina?

Sorted. Dad won't be able to resist biting Mina

now I've warned him off her.

And if she's a slayer,

she won't be able to pass up the opportunity to stake him.

My dear Mina, I would be delighted if you'd join me for some tea.

That would be lovely, Mr Count,

but I'm afraid I'm far too busy.

I'm sure you could spare minutes to catch up on old times.

I warn you, I'm not prepared to take no for an answer.

So, what sticks most in your mind about the castle in Stokely?

- Um... The laughter.
- No screaming?

The cries of tortured souls in anguish?

You're weird sometimes.

- This is me.
- Cool room.

That's a coffin.

Only vamp...

THUD!

Mind wipe working perfectly.

- This is nice. Just like old times. Really?
- Yes.

I'm so glad you talked me into it.

- Shall I pour?
- Please.

Heavier than I thought.

Jonno's doing well at school.

I know I'm biased, but I do think

the sky's the limit for him.

- How is your Vlad getting on?
- He's excelling.

He's destined for great, great things.

In my opinion, of course.

I've been looking for you, your dad has Mina in there. Come on.

Whoa! We need to make sure that Mina's mind wipe is intact.

No matter who you put in danger?

I'm helping everyone in the long run.

The old Vlad would never have done this.

Well... I know the slayers are lethal,

- but believe me, I know what I'm doing.
- OK.

- I adore what you've done with your hair.
- Thank you.

What a charming necklace.

Oh, dear, I think it's coming loose. Allow me to fasten it for you.

- No, no, it's fine.
- Nonsense.

It would be my pleasure.

Forgive me for saying so, but you have the most beautiful neck.

It's just like any other.

Always so modest. And so terribly sweet.

Dad!

Oh! I saw Miss Van Helsing run out...

I think I might have offended her. Perhaps gone too far.

Your familiarity is making me very uncomfortable.

Excuse me.

What can I say?! You were right, I can't resist a beautiful woman.

Someone had to check out Mina.

You used me like some crash test dummy!

What better way to assess her?

No true slayer could pass up the opportunity

to stake the great Count Dracula.

What if it had gone wrong? What if I'd been staked?

Then we would have known she was a slayer.

You wouldn't have d*ed in vain.

HE SNORES

Argh!

- In a bad mood, Master?
- A very, very bad mood.

I can feel your pain. Any particular reason?

That upstart Bertram!

He and Vlad used me like some underling.

Bertram is influencing him, I know it.

That oozing continental wallabat is trying to replace me

as Vlad's right-hand man!

Why don't you have his guts for garters?

Crushing him isn't the answer, I need to be more subtle make him...

Make Vlad see him for the treacherous little worm that he is.

DOOR OPENS

You remember Jonno, don't you, Dad?

Sadly.

Ignore him.

Are you sure you're OK?

Fainting like that was freaky.

Must be all the excitement.

Wow, this is so weird. I so remember that chair.

What do you remember about it?

Your dad asleep in it, snoring away - mouth, wide open.

Why does your dad like all his houses to be so...gloomy?

I think he gets it from his parents.

Is his mind wipe secure?

Watch.

Jonno?

SNARLING

Well, don't do that!

It proves his mind wipe is working, and it's fun.

Yeah, well, there might only be so many times it'll reboot.

What happened?

You got over-excited again.

This is so weird, I don't normally do this.

Oh, before I forget,

I got you a little pressie, Ingrid.

What is it?

Why have you got me this?

I remember how much you love ballet.

I'll just...leave you both to it.

Please...

don't let me interrupt.

I want to thank you for the loyalty and devotion you've shown my son.

It's a comfort to know that Vlad has such a...

steadfast friend to help him.

Thank you.

Chosen one or not, Vlad can't avoid the naivety of youth.

You're only young yourself, barely ,

but already you're wise enough to know

there's only one way to deal with slayers.

Sparing the Van Helsings could be a costly mistake.

I knew you were a man I could rely on.

Now, it's up to us, as his Regent and tutor,

to...nudge Vladdy back on to the right path.

Suppose, for example, a vampire were staked

and there was irrefutable proof that a Van Helsing was responsible.

The presence of a monogrammed stake would do it.

Trophy from the old days.

Vlad would then see things from our point of view and dispose of them.

Your reading of the situation is faultless.

All we need now is a victim.

Has the new, oh-so-helpful Ingrid

been annoying you as much as she has me?

Thanks for a lovely time.

When will I see you again?

Don't want to rush things, do we? Couple of years?

HE LAUGHS

Joker.

Why don't I surprise you?

One day you'll open your eyes and there I'll be.

Argh!

Mission accomplished.

No-one has been bitten.

Did you get a look around?

Ingrid gave me a guided tour.

Finally dropped the act, have you?

Don't know what you're talking about.

Good try, but the pressure bands on your wrists

- to control your heart rate gave you away.
- Honestly, I...

And your thermo glasses used to measure body heat,

standard slayer issue - that was the real clincher.

SHE GRUNTS IN RAGE

Vladdy!

- We have a slight problem with Bertrand.
- Go on.

I think he's about to stake your sister.

Ah.

Stupid Jonno! Urgh, I hate him!

Argh!

You can relax, I'm one of you.

We know. We know all about you.

- How?
- The Slayers Guild were told you and the Draculas were here.

And told us what happened to your brother.

You know where Ryan is?

No.

CREAKING AND TAPPING

HISSING

Wait! Wait.

I can give you information. About the chosen one.

I can tell you where he is.

Sorry.

- So what do you plan to do?
- Vlad mind-wiped my husband.

And when a vampire att*cked him he passed out.

The vampire finished him off.

We're going to wipe out the Draculas, especially Vlad.

No, you can't destroy them!

There's a book, The Praedictum Impaver.

It contains all the vampires' secrets.

Let me down!

OK.

- You're getting good at that.
- Thanks to Bertrand.

Delicious irony.

- What's going on?
- I can explain.

Bertrand thought it a good idea to reduce you to a pile of ash,

then frame the Van Helsings for it so I'd go after them.

Hm, good plan. Apart from the ME bit.

- It wasn't my idea, it was his...
- Is there no end to your conniving?

Vlad, you've got to believe me...

I told you how I wanted this, and you disobeyed me.

If you go against my orders again,

I will personally drive a stake through your heart!

Impressive.

- You really are growing into the role.
- I better not find out

- you had anything to do with this.
- I'm your man, through and through.

Team Vlad.

Yay.

Yay...

If you go in now, they'll destroy it before we can get near it.

Wouldn't the slayers' guild want its information?

- How do we know we can trust you?
- I could have turned you in

the minute I knew you were faking.

If this book is what I think it is,

it could tell us how to destroy all vampires everywhere...

just like that.

OK, you've got two weeks.

You find out any information in the meantime, call us.

But in two weeks, book or not, we're coming back,

and the Draculas...

will be dust.