02x05 - Grief Thief

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe how hot it is in here.

This isn't normal hot.
I've been through hot.

This is hot hot.

- It's hot!
- Okay, stop.

Saying the word "hot"
isn't making it less hot.

It's warm.

- It's very warm.
- Okay!

Look, it's a job, and until
we get some steady work,

we have to sit here and sweat
it out like professionals.

By the way, check with me

next time we take a gig like this.

I did check with you,
and you said yes.

Well, make sure I'm
paying attention, okay?

Because I am not happy.

What are you doing?

What am I doing?

Oscillating, okay?

Two people, one fan, you oscill-aaaah.

- Okay.
- Come to Mama.

- It's very quick on my side.
- Come to Mama.

- It's not a q... It's the same time.
- It's very...

It's not the same.

Aaah.

I'm... Hey, just for a second.

Okay. Wait. Hold on a second.

- Just a second.
- Wait. What are you... I...

I got to cool down.

Just take whatever's
left back there, okay?

Okay. There is nothing left back here.

It's like I'm a Mini Cooper
stuck behind a Mack Truck.

Mini Cooper? Somebody's
taking some liberties.

- Okay, knock it off.
- No. Stop. Leave it, leave it!

No. No, d...

[CLATTER]

Nice!

It's broken.

It's so hot. Okay.

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

ANNOUNCER: And the kick is up!

- Oh, and it's wide right.
- [CROWD GROANS]

And that's the ballgame.

Come on, man! You got one job!

Just kick the ball between the posts.

Look at him... He looks shocked,

like he didn't think he'd
have to do that today.

Yeah.

[GROANS]

Uh, that's my beer.

No. I had "I Hate Mondays."

No, I hate Mondays.

You'd "Rather Be Fishing."

- Oh, you might be right.
- Yeah.

Well, where do we go from here?

Oh, we can muscle through,

or you can go grab us some
more beers from the kitchen.

- Let's...
- Yeah.

Hey, by the way, got something for ya.

- Bam!
- What's this?

Tickets on the -yard
line this weekend!

- Are you kidding me?
- [CHUCKLES]

What'd you pay for these?

Hey, I don't put a price
tag on friendship.

You got 'em free, didn't you?

Yeah.

I won 'em on the radio.

That's unbelievable!

- All right, I got to bounce.
- All right.

Didi's getting her eyebrows tattooed.

I want to be there... make
sure they go a little higher.

Where they're at right
now, she just looks angry.

- Anyway, Sunday...
- Yes!

- football, me and you.
- I'm in!

- All right!
- All right, buddy.

- Oh! Hey!
- Oh! What's up? Up top!

Hey, there they are! How was it, guys?

- Hey, Dad.
- It was awesome.

Uncle Kyle got me a new phone case,

and he bought Jack a video game.

"Zombie Death Town ."

In this one, you k*ll, eat
brains, get stronger,

then k*ll again.

Really, guy?

What? You got to keep
track of your kills.

It's like a math lesson.

Oh! Tell Aunt Carole we said thanks.

Yep.

- Aunt Carole?
- Yeah.

New girl I'm seeing. All
right, I got to run.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wh-Who is she? W-W-Where'd
you meet her?

At a little support group that I'm in.

Okay, got to go.

Wait a second.

Support group? For what?

[SIGHS] You're gonna love this.

It's a funny story. I was, uh...

I-I went to this place called PWOS.

- It's Parents Without Spouses.
- What?

Yeah. It's a support group for people

that lost their spouse.

What are you doing there?

I went there to check it out for you,

but this cute gal came up to me,

and I guess she assumed I
was part of the group.

Bing, bang, boom... Kyle's
in the Carole business.

Okay, so you lied

and pretended you were a widower

just to get a date?

Wow.

Someone's painting with
the ugly brush today.

Okay.

Does she think that Jack
and Sara are your kids?

She might be under
that impression, yes.

Look, she asked about my kids.
What was I supposed to day?

Oh, I don't know. How
about, "I don't have any"?

You know what? I'm over ,
and I've never been married.

Women hear that, they
run to the ladies room,

and they don't come back.

One girl... She climbed out
a tiny, little window,

and she was a big'n.

You know what?

No more using my grief
for your benefit, okay?

Are we clear?

Crystal.

When exactly does this start?

Because I prepaid for
a couple's massage.

It starts now!

All right. Got it.

You know what? I'll just
have them massage me twice.

They've been great
with that in the past.

♪

Chale, these were
supposed to be cheese,

not pepperoni.

Fine.

There.

That's cheese.

Really?

Taking it off with your hand?

The Board of Health could be here.

I'm barely hanging
on to my "C" rating.

Sorry, Enzo. I j... I haven't
been sleeping much lately.

It's Kendra. It turns out she
is an aggressive cuddler.

- Ohh!
- Mm.

You know, this is my favorite
part of being married.

I mean, I love everything,

but [SIGHS] falling asleep cuddling

is hands down my favorite.

- Right?
- Oh, y...

Pbht! Pbht!

[CHUCKLES]

I love the cuddling.

And, of course, the best part

is that it lasts all night long.

Ohh!

Oh, brother. My second
wife was like that...

all over me, so hot and sticky,

- breathing down my neck.
- Right?

I-It's like I'm
sleeping with a dragon.

Did you get the... the
hair in your mouth?

Oh, actually, I didn't mind that.

My wife used a vanilla conditioner.

It tasted like a cannoli. [LAUGHS]

What am I supposed to do?

Ah, you got to double down.

You got to cuddle so much,

she'll be begging you to stop.

Make it her idea.
[CHUCKLES] Brilliant!

Did that work for you?

Aw, no. We split up.

[LAUGHS]

I mean... No.

I-I'm sure you kids are gonna be fine.

♪

Rootger. How'd the test go?

Am I looking at our newest
licensed investigator?

You're looking at a failure. Again.

I'm never gonna pass.

I got to be honest...

test isn't that hard.

Did you take it, or were
you grandfathered in

because you're a cop?

Oh, that's right.

They gave it to you
like a little cupcake.

All right, just take
it again next week.

- That's all.
- I can't!

I have to wait days.

[SIGHS] Man, I'm so angry.

I want to break out in hives.

Hey, maybe you can help
me study on Sunday?

S-Sun... No. I can't do Sunday.

I'm going to a football
game with Goody.

What's this?

Parents Without Spouses?

Oh. Your brother dropped it off.

- I told him I'm fine.
- No, no, for me.

Apparently, it's a great place
to meet vulnerable ladies.

- Hey!
- Hey.

Good news.

We just booked our first steady gig.

Oh! Ooh.

- That's amazing.
- Yeah.

Remember the hotbox,

- the one where you broke the fan?
- Yeah.

Please tell me it's not
as bad as that place.

It is that place.

Only now, of course, without a fan.

Well, say no. I don't want
to take a gig like that.

It doesn't matter what you want.
We're a new business.

We have to take what's offered to us.

No, you can turn them down.

You know, actually, he's right.

The most powerful word
in business is "no."

Okay, we say no.

But we just can't
afford to pay Rootger.

This took a dark turn.

Look, trust me, this is a good thing.

This is steady work.
It's every Sunday.

Starting this Sunday?

- Yeah.
- I-I can't do this Sunday

'cause I-I have plans
this Sunday, so...

Okay. You have plan... All right.

I can't keep doing this with you.

I mean, you are either
committed to this business,

or you're not.

What could you possibly be doing

that's more important
than our first major job?

Please tell me.

I don't want to tell you
'cause you're yelling at me.

Why is it that every time
a woman speaks her mind,

a man says she's yelling?

I d... I don't feel safe right now.

We're taking the gig.

- Fine.
- See ya Sunday.

Hey, what is this?

Oh. Give me that.

It's some support group
for grieving parents.

Is that why you can't
make the job on Sunday,

because you're going
to a support group?

Yes, it is. Yeah. [SIGHS]

I am so sorry.

Why didn't you say something?
I feel like such a jerk.

Hey. I don't want to hear any
of that kind of talk, okay?

And I want you to know,
I'm... I'm... [SIGHS]

I'm doing the gig on Sunday.

No. I will cover for you on Sunday,

and any other time you
need to go to meetings.

- Really?
- Yes.

'Cause sometimes they
happen on Monday nights.

Whatever.

But do me a favor, okay?

Next time just talk to me, all right?

Yeah. Communication.

Y-You want to hear something crazy?

Hmm?

- That's our topic on Sunday.
- [SIGHS]

♪

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

It's open!

Hey, man!

Listen, I need to grab

your stadium cushion for tomorrow.

I got a little thing
happening downtown.

I'm gonna need some extra padding.

KEVIN: Yeah, uh, listen,

about the game, I-I... I
don't think I should go.

What? It's a whole
situation with Vanessa.

I lied to her to get out of work,

and now I-I just feel guilty about it.

I'm marinating meat as we speak.

I had to bride Didi
with a calf massage

just to go to this game.

And you've seen her calves...
Man, I put my work in for this.

Look, I'm sorry. I j...
I can't go, all right?

Everybody lies to get
out of work, man.

- That's just what people do.
- Y... [SIGHS]

But not like this, all right?

I...

I told her I'm going
to grief counseling

for widowed parents.

Wow.

You don't go with sore
throat or jury duty?

You just go pedal to the metal, huh?

She dangled the excuse in front of me,

and I... I don't know
I took the bait.

Anyway, I can't go.

I guess you got to do the right thing.

- Although...
- Although what?

There is another way to look at this.

I mean, the damage has
been done with Vanessa.

That is true.

And you did make a
commitment to me, too.

Not only did I make a commitment,

I got to be honest, I think
you're the real victim here.

Here's what I propose...
We do go to the game,

but you promise to never tell
a lie like this ever again.

Never again.

But you... you have
to hold me to that.

That's what I'm here for.

Man, this feels good.

We're doing the right thing
for the right reasons.

♪

- This is nice, isn't it?
- Mm-hmm.

It could be even nicer, though.

Hmm?

What do you say we turn
things up a notch? Huh?

Ooh.

Aww. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, I love being this close.

Just, uh, you let me know if
it's uncomfortable, though.

Sometimes I can be a bit
of an over-cuddler,

so if you're finding it
hard falling asleep,

I can stop.

[SNORING]

[SIGHS]

Really?

Mm.

♪

This is great.

Yeah, I know you felt a little
bad about lying to Vanessa,

- but I'm glad we came.
- Yeah, me too.

And if you think abut it,
I didn't even really lie,

because it turns out this
is my healing place.

- Exactly.
- Right?

But for the record, you lied.

Yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

But I'm done with lying.
I'm done with that,

and I'm done with PWOS, all of it.

Hey, man. Uh, probably
none of my business,

but don't give up on the program.

I wouldn't be here right
now if it wasn't for PWOS.

You know what? Your dogs
and your beers are on me.

Oh, no, no, no. You d... You
don't have to do that.

- It's already done.
- No, man...

All I ask is that you go back to PWOS.

- Deal?
- You got it.

Thank you.

[CHUCKLING] All right.

I can't believe I did it again.

Hold on. It's not your fault.
He cornered you.

Okay, fine, but we
can't do this anymore.

Absolutely. We're done.

Hey, I'm sorry. I just saw you jacket.

- Are you guys cops?
- Oh, Nassau County, retired.

Man! I got these great seats.

- You got to take 'em.
- No.

Look, it's really nice
of you, but w-we can't.

- Can't do it.
- And I can't sit field level

knowing there's a cop behind
me who lost his wife.

- Last time?
- Last time.

♪

ANNOUNCER: A perfect
day for football...

Some fans finding unique ways
to show their team spirit.

[CHANTING] Defense! Defense!

Defense! Defense!

You have got to be kidding me!

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Hey, Vanessa. What's, uh, going on?

Hey, I was just, uh, calling
to see how PWOS is going.

Oh. It's good. It's good.

Lot of noise.

Uh, yeah. You know what it is?

Uh, Sharon's, uh... She
had a breakthrough.

You know, bawling,
snot-crying, the whole nine.

[CHUCKLES] It happens.

What about you? Any breakthroughs...

about the type of person that you are?

Nah, Sharon's doing all the talking.

All right. I got to get going.

Hold on, hold on.

I-I was thinking about coming down.

You know, support my partner.

Ooh. Uh, you know what?

Tonight PWOSsers only.

- Sorry.
- Really?

Website says "Friends and
family always welcome."

Yeah. Yeah, it does. But
you know what it is?

We all took a vote, and
we decided it's no-go.

- See you there.
- Yep.

Crap!

Run for me, boy.

Thank you. for getting here so fast.

Oh, not a problem.

You tell Rootger he
needs to be somewhere,

he's there.

So, uh, where's the body?

There's no body.

I just needed you to sit
here and cover for me.

Oh, phew.

Fine. Next time, don't
say "emergency."

Where I'm from, that means,
you know, bring a shovel.

Okay, let's go.

A-And just so you know,

if something happens tonight,

I will lay down my life
for Monkey Fist Security.

All right, well, you're guarding
a warehouse full of cat food.

- I think you'll be okay.
- Ah!

So in that case,

I will lay down nine lives.

Get it? Nine. Cat. Lives?

Well, have fun.

♪

So, you double downed on the cuddling,

and she counter-cuddled?

Oh, she's good. I
didn't see that coming.

I didn't sleep a wink.

She spent most of the
night drooling in my ear.

Hey, you. Ooh!

I don't know why I can't
stop snuggling you!

- Hey.
- Hi.

[CHUCKLES] I love you.

Hmm. I love you.

See, that's fine! That's okay!

It's "I love you," "I love you,"

a nice little squeeze,
and you're on your way.

I-I've got no problem with that.

If women only knew the
power of the hug and go,

but the world doesn't
spin like that, kid.

What am I gonna do? I've
got to get some sleep.

Well, there's not much you can do.

And eventually, of course,

t-the spark will go
out of the marriage,

you'll gradually drift apart,

and then one day you'll
come home to find...

that she's not there.

Then all you got is a run-down
bar and broken dreams.

But I'm sure you guys will be fine.

♪

And that's why this group
means so much to me.

You know, sometimes when I
think of Michelle being gone,

all I can focus on is the pain.

Awesome!

Uh, that was awesome
that you shared that.

That was awesome.

All right. Uh, let's take a five.

Kyle, what are you doing here?

I came to see Carole.

I know you told me not to lie anymore,

but I just can't help it.

Yeah, I'll tell you why
'cause you're weak.

I know.

- What are you doing here?
- Hey, let's focus, okay?

Look, Vanessa's on her way,

and I need you to act like
I've been coming here.

Well, then, wouldn't
you be lying, too?

Okay, yeah, I lied, all right?

But from this this moment
on, the lying stops, okay?

Not this moment. We got to get
through the lies tonight.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And then it all stops.

Yeah.

A-And speaking of
lying, if Carole asks,

I'm the one with three kids
and a British son-in-law.

Oh, so basically you
just took my whole life.

Basically, yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey, you made it.

Yeah.

Uh, they... they make
you park in the back?

Sometimes they make
you park in the back.

- It's odd.
- Mm.

So, this is PWOS, huh?

Yeah. I told you I'm good.

You really didn't need to come down,

'cause I got all the support I need.

Got Kyle here. I got everybody else.

They're all very helpful people.

Mm.

Okay, so, uh, how does this work?

You guys just sit around and share?

Yep! But we already shared.

- Mm.
- It's all... done.

Uh, we just rebuild each
other up with cookies

and then we hit the road, so...

All right, everybody. We're
gonna continue sharing.

That's weird.

Tom's really pushing us tonight.

- Is he? Why don't we grab a seat?
- Yeah.

- I don't want to miss anything.
- I... Um...

- Yeah, come on.
- Okay, yeah.

Yep.

Hey, Denise. Funny how we're
always sitting together,

isn't it?

I don't know you.

That is so Denise.

Yeah, it is.

Okay. Who would like to share next?

How 'bout this guy right here?

- No, no, no. I'm good.
- Yeah.

I'm about to get into my to-go cookie,

so let's let someone
else have a cr*ck.

Denise, you want to let
go of some of that anger?

All right, come on.

Has anyone seen this
guy before tonight?

Uh, I have.

Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna do it.

Everyone, this is Kevin Gable.

He lost his wife over a year
ago, he has three kids,

and he has a British
son-in-law named Chale.

That's Carole, by the way.

You want to know what else
this guy's been doing?

Lying to his partner and
friend about coming here.

- Okay, that's... You know what?
- Yeah.

I might have done that a little bit,

but I never meant it, really...

- You never meant to do what?
- No. Not this.

- To lie... lie to me?
- Okay.

I think that might be
enough for tonight.

Good meeting.

Uh, where are you going?

I'm putting my cookie back
and getting a doughnut.

I don't like the cookie.

No, you do not deserve a dough...

You do not deserve a doughnut.

I can't believe you would
go through all this

just to get out of work.

Look, I'm sorry I lied to you, okay?

I-It got away from me.

No! We're supposed to be partners.

You're supposed to be honest with me.

And then to use grief counseling?

I mean... I would just never do that.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
I'm talking over...

Wow. You are pretty.

Um... what... what
color are those eyes?

- Hazel.
- Hazel.

That's very...

You seem a little upset.

Did you lose somebody you cared about?

My husband.

Yes, Vanessa, I'm here.

No, I'm not lying, all right?

Now, go enjoy your night.
I got this covered.

Okay.

So, you got this covered, right?

Absolutely.

You know you're gonna
be here all night.

I know.

And that chair's the
only place to sleep.

It's glorious.