02x06 - The Owl

[bunniefuu]

Okay. All right, hurry,
stack the cool ones.

Hurry up!

The church bake sale isn't
until tomorrow morning.

Why are we rushing?

'Cause these are fresh cookies,

and my dad will be home soon.

They're not safe.

Oh. Got it.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Oh, crap! He's home.

Hide the cookies! Hide the cookies!

KEVIN: Hello, hello?

- Hey.
- BOTH: Hey.

How's it going?

Good. I just got the car washed.

They're jacking the prices
up over there again.

I'm not even gonna go.

Something happened here.

No, nothing.

Really?

It's still warm. Interesting.

That's sugar.

Granulated cane.

It's curious.

It's probably nothing, so...

Mr. Gable, no. You, no!

They're for the church bake sale.

Can you please leave them alone?

And I would've, if he
didn't try to deceive me.

Something you may want to bring
up in confession when you explain

why there weren't enough
cookies at the bake sale.

Let's go. Come on.

Fine. I made extras anyway.

I'll put them in the cookie jar.

[SIGHS]

Oh, uh, Dad, where's... where's Mr.
Hoot?

Mr. who?

You know, the little owl cookie jar.

It's always been right there.

Oh. I sold it at our garage
sale six months ago.

Actually, to Goody.

What? That's been in
the family for years.

I know. It was old, you know?
It was missing an eye.

It looked like it... it got hit
in the head with a paint can.

It's, like, donk.

I loved that thing.

I mean, don't you remember
when I was years old

and I wrote my initials under the lid?

I can't believe you got rid of it.

Mom wanted me to have
it for my kids someday.

I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't know.

Look, I'll... I'll just call Goody.

I'll get it... I'll get
it back, all right?

Thank you. It means a lot to me.

Well, you know what means a lot to me?

They're for the church.

Yeah, I either buy 'em
Sunday or I buy 'em now.

All right? Doesn't matter.

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- VANESSA: Hello?

Hey. We're in here.

Hey. Lemme guess.

You didn't fill out the paperwork

like you promised you would.

Aw, that's right.

I'm... I can't believe I did that.

I'm sorry. I totally forgot.

Yeah, very typical of you.

Yeah, I think you should take it back.

[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]

I just wanted to see you get
all hopped up, all right?

See, that's the problem with you.

You always underestimate me.
And look at me.

I got things covered.
I'm on top of it.

Hey. Oh, hey, Goody,
did you bring the owl?

So, Didi reminded me that we gave it

to my cousin as a wedding gift.

Wait. You gave a $ cookie
jar as a wedding gift?

It was used.

That's why I rinsed it.

It was missing an eye.

That's why I wrapped it.

All right, well, can
you call your cousin

and have him send it to us?

'Cause it's... i-it's
important to Kendra.

I would, but he doesn't
have it anymore.

He sold it to a pawnshop in Utica.

He pawned a used, one-eyed cookie jar?

I don't have to explain
my family to you.

Wow. It's like that.

[SCOFFS] But I got good news.

I called the pawnshop,
and they still have it.

That's great. Let's get it shipped.

Well, I tried, but they don't ship.

- Why not?
- 'Cause it's not Williams Sonoma.

It's a pawnshop... in Utica.

All right. I guess
I'm driving upstate.

Dad, are you sure? I mean,
that's like a four-hour ride.

Look, if it's important
to you, I'm going.

Aww.

It is important to you, right?

Yes, it is.

Okay.

And they definitely don't ship?

They don't ship.

And it's definitely important to you?

CHALE: Um, I hate to be
the voice of reason here,

but, uh, isn't it a bit
silly sending your father

all the way upstate for a cookie jar?

Why is it silly?

Because I just found them
online for less than $ . .

Sending your father up there
is a little bit crazy.

So now I'm crazy?

Oh, boy. Well, what is it?

Am I silly, or am I crazy?

Calm down.

Calm down?

I'm out. All right, we got to go.

♪

[AS CHALE] "I hate to be
the voice of reason here."

[NORMAL VOICE] You are one dumb man.

What was I supposed to do?

She was being unreasonable.

Okay, well, you don't say "calm down"

when they give you that look.

It's like running into
a bear in the woods.

You play dead.

I thought you were supposed to get big

and jingle your keys and yell,

"Bear, bear, there's a bear!"

No.

That's for a grizzly.

Or is it a black bear? I don't know.

I don't know. One you play
dead, the other you get big.

Then you got koalas and pandas.
I think you can just hug them.

I guess I still have a lot
to learn about marriage.

But we do have a four-hour
car journey ahead of us.

Maybe you can impart a
little more wisdom.

Oh. That's actually a good idea.

- [LAUGHS]
- Or...

[RADIO TURNS ON] How ya doin'?
Lou from Staten Island.

Listen, I think the Mets are
having a fantastic year.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Can you do me a favor?
- Yeah.

When your dad gets home,
could you have him

re-sign where the tabs are,

and tell him this time
not to get jelly on it?

Yeah, see, getting food

all over important paperwork
is kind of his thing.

My birth certificate still
has Cheeto dust on it.

[LAUGHS]

KYLE: Hey, Kendra, is, uh,
my duct tape out there?

Oh, uh... no.

- No, I don't see it.
- Your Uncle Kyle's here?

- Yeah, he's fixing our furnace.
- Oh, okay, I'm gonna run,

'cause every time he
sees me, he hits on me.

Which is weird 'cause
he sucks in his gut,

so he can only talk in
these short bursts.

[LAUGHS]

- I'll see you later.
- Okay, bye.

Tape was in my bag.

[LAUGHING] Hey.

How you doing, girl? [CLEARS THROAT]

Take a breath, idiot.

- I'm breathing.
- Okay.

[STRAINED] Maybe we can go
see a movie or something?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Look, Kyle, like I told you yesterday

and pretty much every day before that,

this is not happening, okay?
This is a no-go.

Okay, sorry. You know, I just...

You're the... You're
the whole package.

Okay, uh, thank you.
That is very sweet.

But come on, Kyle. You're a nice guy.

I'm sure there are plenty of women

- out there for you.
- Yeah, well, you'd think.

But, you know, I hit a little
bit of a dry patch, that's all.

Around, uh, about ' .

Oh.

Well, what about online dating?

Nah. Tried 'em all. Except
for FarmersOnly.com.

They sniffed me out pretty quick.

Maybe it's your profile.

No, no. Profile's rock solid.

"Part-time cage-fighter."

"The inventor of the airline pillow."

No, no, no. I-I said I was on the team

that invented the airline pillow.

Okay, Uncle Kyle,

maybe you should just
redo your profile,

and this time, don't lie so much.

Yes, I'm sure there are a
lot of things about you

that women find attractive.

Like what?

Me? Oh, okay. Um...

Well, you're a firefighter,

which means you have
great dental coverage.

Yeah, a very good plan.
Dr. Weisman. Yeah.

See?

But, you know, everybody exaggerates

on the dating profiles.

Well, yeah, but not everybody won

the Pan American
Jiu-Jitsu Competition.

This place is wild.

Look, tomorrow night, they have
an arm wrestling tournament

and "Taco Madness." Fun!

Okay, Chale, you got to stop
it, all right? It's not fun.

You know... You know what
fun would have been?

Getting to the pawnshop
before it closed,

getting our owl, and
driving home, okay,

instead of staying in a motel

next to a b*rned-down Panda Express.

Once again, I apologize, Mr. Gable.

I-I set my GPS to scenic,
because I thought we could

take in all of the fall foliage,

which, please admit it,
it was spectacular.

[AS CHALE] It wasn't spectacular.

[NORMAL VOICE] It's a bunch of leaves.

By the way, we got a
whole bunch in our lawn.

Feel free to rake 'em up.

Nice job. All right.

- 'Scuse me, ma'am.
- Ohh!

You're gonna want to keep
your hands to yourself!

Sorry, I just... I was
just getting a napkin.

Oh, I know what you're trying to get.

Look, I am seeing someone, okay?

Promise ring. Bam! You see that?
Uh-huh.

Chunky, why are your eyes down here?

They're supposed to be up here.

I was just following where
your finger was pointing.

I know you're not talking all
sexy about my finger now.

Wait. What? What? What?

- Clyde!
- Clyde?

- There a problem?
- It's not a problem, Clyde, all right.

Listen, I'm gonna pay our tab
and we'll get out of here.

- Huh.
- Yeah, all right.

Mm-hmm. He was making
unwanted advances.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, I think what we have here

is a classic comedy of errors.

You see, we're from out of town.

Where you from? You sound funny.

I'm from England. And
to me, you sound funny.

Wait. We sound funny?

- Huh.
- Did you hear that, Clyde?

- Yeah.
- Did you hear what he called you?

Uh-huh.

Oh, no, no. I didn't
call him anything.

Yeah, but you wanted to.

I'm... I have to leave now.

It's okay. I saw what happened.

- We're cool.
- Okay.

Yeah, yeah. But before you go,

I wanna make things right.

Right in your face!

Ladies, you were right.

I changed my profile,
went fully honest,

and got my first match of the night.

And she is a keeper.

Wow. Kelly, huh? She's cute.

Yeah, it's been less than a day,

but I think we're talking soul mate.

Wait, wha... You haven't
even met her yet.

There are plenty of women out there.

No. They had their sh*t, all right?

Honest Kyle... off the market.

I'm putting all my apples
in the Kelly basket.

So, if you'll excuse me.

Aww. Wow.

I can't believe he found someone.

He didn't. That's a fake profile.

The picture of Kelly
is of my hairdresser.

You're catfishing him?

No.

Technically yes.

But only because I felt
bad about yesterday,

and I just wanted to
build up his confidence.

He won't even look at another woman

if he thinks he has
a sh*t on this one.

Okay, you know what? You're right.

I will have Kelly let him down easy.

Yes. Oh, but just be nice about it.

I will.

Dee dee-dee, dee, dee, dee, da, dee...

Do you always make that
noise when you're texting?

Only when I'm breaking hearts.

Okay, done.

And I did it in a very nice way.

KYLE: Nooooo!

Ugh! Bad news.

Ugh. It's over.

Kelly moved to Australia.

Australia?

Wow. That seems
unnecessarily far away.

[BELL JINGLES]

That's what was weird,
because I didn't

feel any pain in the moment.

It was only a...

Oh, Mr. Gable, how...
how does my eye look?

Like a tiny man head-butted you.

That's all right. I don't care.

I'm actually quite proud.

Hey, here we are. This is it.

Yes, yes!

Yep. We're good to go.

"KG"... there it is.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the white
Flavor Flav and Heavy D.

Welcome to my pawnshop.

Y-You own the place?

Why else would I welcome you, dummy?

Okay, well, look, um, first
off, I wanted to say

that there is no excuse for
his behavior last night,

and, uh, we are both very, very sorry.

So, you know, we're
just gonna get this owl

and we'll get out of your hair.

Great. The price is $ million.

- What?
- I'm just messing with you.

$ , .

She's coming down. That's a good sign.

Okay, look, I-I understand
you're mad, all right,

but I really want to buy this, okay?

So, can you give me the real price?

$ , .

- Come on.
- I'm serious.

This is no ordinary cookie jar.

It was owned by a celebrity.

You see this? "KG."

Kelsey Grammer. Yes! Ow! Mm!

No, see, that's a misunderstanding.

That "KG" is my daughter.
It's Kendra Gable.

Nice try, buddy. Unh-unh.

That cookie jar has been in my
family for years, all right?

And [SIGHS]

I sold it, and I... and I
shouldn't have done it.

I'm sure you can understand
what I'm going through.

Baby, I understand.

- Man, we all make mistakes.
- Yes.

You see that guitar over there?
That's a mistake.

That bowling ball over there?
That's a mistake.

This whole place is a mistake.

It should be named Yvette's
House of Mistakes.

I like it. It's got pizzazz.

[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY] Okay.

Bottom line, I can only
go as low as $ , .

But I don't have $ , .

Then you don't have
Frasier's cookie jar!

Love what I do!

I'll admit it, I like her.

She got a zest for life.

It's a job satisfaction kind of...

Shut up.

I figured out how we're
gonna get that money.

"Arm wrestling tournament.
Grand prize, $ , ."

Shabang.

You really think I can win?

CHALE: You sure about this, Mr. Gable?

KEVIN: You're looking at the best
arm wrestler at the precinct.

I was known as Iron Wrist.

We're getting that [ECHOES] owl.

♪ Running through the night ♪

♪ Running to survive ♪

♪ We're gonna show 'em ♪

♪ That they're the best
they'll ever find ♪

♪ We'll never surrender ♪

♪ We'll never give in ♪

♪ We'll always remember ♪

♪ To never forget ♪

♪ We fight until we win ♪

♪ We fight until we win ♪

♪ We fight until we win ♪

- You ready, Mr. Gable?
- Oh, yeah.

Plus, I already cut my sleeves off,

so there's no turning back.

All right, your first
opponent is right over there.

Him? I'll snap his arm right off.

Oh, that is the eye of the tiger!

[BELL DINGS]

First match...

Man Eater McGraw
versus Glorious Gable.

Glorious Gable?

They asked for a nickname and
you were in the bathroom.

I told you, I'm Iron Wrist.

Oh, sorry. I forgot.

It was five minutes ago.

All right, boys, lock 'em up.

I just want you to know,
I'm about two things...

That's chewing gum and snapping arms.

And guess what... I'm all out of gum.

Actually, you're
chewing gum right now.

And I'm just telling you that
because it's a choke hazard.

Uh, he's probably right.
Um, anybody got...

You got a napkin? Anybody?

Chale. [SPITS]

Okay, boys, you know the rules.

[ROCK ANTHEM MUSIC PLAYS]

[CHUCKLING] Yeah.

Let's do this.

Aah!

I feel like I had him
for a second, right?

I shouldn't have
turned the hat around.

Sure. That was the problem. The hat.

I can't go back to my
wife empty-handed.

Chale, that's gonna
happen in a marriage.

Sometimes you gotta go
home, you look your wife

right in the eye, and say,

"The pawnshop blew up
because of a gas leak,

and the owl was lost in an inferno."

- I will never lie to Kendra.
- Yeah.

Unless you got grand
for a $ cookie jar,

I don't know what to tell you.

W-Wait, that's it.

That's it. I've got it. $ , .

Mr. Gable, I've got to
go back to the pawnshop.

Ch-Chale.

Have you been sitting on
$ , this whole time?

I'll literally... I'll punch
you right in the mouth.

- Kelly?
- Excuse me?

I can't believe this.

I ran into you before
you left for Australia?

I'm sorry. Do I know you?

Oh, uh, of course. I-I'm Kyle.

Sexy firefighter.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Wow.

So, you're gonna do me like that?

That's cold-blooded.

You're making me uncomfortable.
Can you please leave?

Are you kidding me? I should
spit in your face right now.

But I can't, because
I-I still love you.

And I think you know me
well enough to know that...

I will always love you.

All right, I'm warning
you, I've got mace.

- Hey, Mommy!
- Noah, Mommy needs you to wait

for her by the car. Now.

So you got a kid? Is that the problem?

I mean, you could've told me.

[SIGHS]

I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.

I dig kids.

Aaaaaah!

[BELL JINGLES]

Hey, hey, hey. What's the plan?

Mr. Gable, I've got this.
You can wait in the car.

I really need to do this on my own.

I need to make things
right with Kendra, so...

All right.

Well, look, if anything happens...

I'm just gonna say you went
up in the gas expl*si*n.

- Fair enough.
- Good. Okay. All righty.

[BELL JINGLES]

Oh, you're back.

Yes, and I would like to
buy that owl, please.

And I have $ , of American cash,

which I believe was the asking price?

You're believing correctly.

Oh, wonderful.

Well, then, just, uh,
wrap that up for me

and, uh, include the
certificate of authenticity,

and I'll be on my way.

The wha?

Surely, you have some form of proof

that, uh, it once belonged
to Kelsey Grammer?

Um, I maybe think...

O-O-Or just, uh, maybe a photograph

of, uh, Mr. Grammer enjoying
a cookie from the jar,

perhaps a-a snickerdoodle
on the set of "Cheers"?

I don't have any of that.

Oh, well, then you don't
have any of this.

- I have the initials.
- [SCOFFS]

Yvette, those initials were written

by an -year-old girl

called Kendra Gable.

My wife.

You're married to an -year-old girl?

That's sick.

No. I'm... She's not now.

Look, Clyde said it was real.

And I'm guessing he also told you

that diamond on that ring is real?

It is real.

- Isn't it?
- Oh, Yvette.

[LAUGHS] We got it!

That's it! That's amazing.
How'd you do it?

I bluffed, and she blinked.

That... I didn't think you
were gonna... It's incredible.

I know. I know. I feel fantastic.

Kendra's gonna be so proud
of me when she finds out.

It's not just Kendra, man.

I-I got to tell you,
I-I'm proud of you, too.

I really am. You know what?

In fact, bring it in. You got
to bring it in. Come on.

Ohh. That was awesome.

Yeah.

[GRUNTS] Ahh!

[LAUGHS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

♪

I think maybe the hug
disoriented me and I...

[RADIO TURNS ON] Coming up next, we'll
have Knicks Coach Jeff Hornacek

- Hey.
- Hey, did you guys get it?

What happened to your eye?

I'm afraid we've got some bad news.

There was a gas leak at the pawnshop.

The whole place blew.

- What?
- Are you kidding me?

That's how this baby happened.

I took a brick to the face.

The owl was lost in the rubble.
It's just a mess.

We're gonna get a couple brews.

- Yeah, we're pretty shaken.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, who cares
about the stupid owl?

I'm just... I'm glad
you guys are okay.

Yeah, we're getting there.

Couple Heinekens ought
to take care of it.

Couple of Heinis.

You don't believe that story, do you?

Not a word. That's his go-to.

When Jack was , my dad told
him the tooth fairy blew up.

Well, technically, her car,
but, you know, she was in it.

[SCOFFS]

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Vanessa, met your hairdresser.