02x11 - Trainer Wreck

[bunniefuu]

[PRINTER BEEPS]

Ah, you're kidding me.

Oh, "Ink cartridge
inserted incorrectly."

Okay, what does that even mean?

Do we need to sound it out together?

Okay, I got it. All right, here it is.

Uh, oh, "Reinsert cartridge,

"okay, with nozzle facing you."

That makes sense. There.

[GRUNTS]

- There we go.
- [PRINTER BEEPS]

Ah, you gotta be kidding me.

This is unbelievable.

Let's see here. The cartridge...

The nozzle's done. I did the nozzle.

That's check. Okay.

Pack the thing.

I did that. I did... I did that, okay?

- [PRINTER BEEPS]
- [GRUNTS]

You know what? I don't
even care anymore.

- Okay! Okay!
- [PRINTER BEEPS]

This...

[PRINTER WHIRRING]

Oh.

Oh!

There you go. Printer's fixed.

Mm. Great job, Braveheart.

Excuse me.

Um, I own the business upstairs,

and I-I would just really appreciate it

if you would stop leaving these

stupid fliers all over the place.

If I get one more on my windshield,

we're gonna have a problem, sweetie.

[SPANISH ACCENT] I'm sorry.

We're new to the neighborhood.

We want people to know we're here.

Yes, of course you do. Hi.

And, yes, you are here.

- Uh, my name is Alejandro.
- Hello.

And this is my gym... Core-A-Zone.

Corazón. It means "heart" in Spanish.

Love... that.

Love that.

Um, I'm Vanessa from Monkey Fist,

which means M-M..., um, Monkey Fist.

And... And you know what?
Don't worry about the fliers.

I just had a cousin got...
She got hit by one

and lost the tip of her ear.

It was the bottom part.
Um, so it's okay.

You know, her hair covers it,

but she can't wear
earrings 'cause, you know,

there's no meat there, right?

So [CHUCKLES]

Oh, um, thank you for stopping by.

Yes. I should get back
to my client, huh?

Totally. Yes, of course.

And I'm so sorry about the...
ear-meat... meat story.

It's just... Yeah.

- It's okay.
- Okay. [CHUCKLES]

♪

- What?
- Nothing. I just...

Had a beautiful image in my mind,

and now it is gone.

All right, well, we're out of mayo,

and I bought last time,
so I know it's your turn.

You are a saint.

Hey, y-you know that, uh,
new gym downstairs, right?

- The one with the fliers?
- I hate that gym.

It used to be that awesome place

that made those spicy beef patties...

"Jamaican Me Happy."

Ohh. I miss those guys.

It's Jamaican me sad.

You do know that you have a
sandwich in your hand, right?

Yeah. A very dry sandwich.

- Okay.
- I got no mayo on here.

- All right.
- I'm muscling through.

Okay!

Anyway, the gym owner is gorgeous,

and I went in there and
I kind of screwed it up,

so I was hoping you would
go down there and...

And talk to him for me.

Just get some, like, details.

Is he single? What's he into?

And while you're there,
talk me up a little bit.

I don't want to get in the
middle of this, all right?

Let's just cut the dance.

You go back down there,

ruin it, come back up here,

start crying, I hand you a Kleenex,

we move on to the next guy.

Please.

No, I... O-Okay, all right!
How about this?

You know that giant monkey
you've been bugging me about?

You mean the inflatable one

that goes on top of the
building to promote business?

Stands there all badass.

If you do this for me, I will let

you buy it and put it on the roof.

Okay.

Now, where do we stand with
the whole mayo situation?

'Cause I still have half a sandwich.

I will get to it eventually.

Oh. Okay, you know what?

And I will talk to the guy...

- Eventually.
- Fine!

Squeeze bottle, too, 'cause I
don't want to use a Kn*fe!

- Oh, my God!
- I don't like using knives!

♪

Oh, Chale, just, uh, put
this on my tab. Thanks, buddy.

I'm sorry. I can't do that.

Enzo is no longer letting
people run up tabs.

Oh, he means, uh, regular
people, not heroes.

No, he mentioned you by name.

This is your check, and
you have to pay it!

All right, guy. Easy.

I'm sorry, Uncle Kyle.

Chale's just stressed
because Enzo's on vacation,

and this is his first week
running the place by himself.

Wow. Didn't take him long to
go crazy with power, did it?

[CHUCKLES]

You guys have no idea
the pressure I'm under

running a mid-level pizza
place on Long Island.

Yeah, I know. When I'm in a burning

building, I'm thinking to myself,

"At least I don't have to make

"mozzarella sticks for a living."

Chale's just stressed out
because we found out

that the health inspector's
gonna come by.

Yes, and if we get a bad report,

I'm gonna have to answer to Enzo.

[SIGHS] And that man has a dark side

the likes of which you've never seen.

Not really.

Look, nothing to worry about, all right?

As a fireman, we learn how
the inspection game is played.

I'll get you through this.

Really? That... Oh, no,
that would be fantastic.

Yeah. You know what else
would be fantastic?

Pshew!

♪

Welcome to Core-A-Zone. Can I help you?

Uh, not unless you can make
a Jamaican beef patty.

- I don't understand.
- Eh, never mind.

Kevin Gable, CEO Monkey Fist Security.

So, what's the, uh...
The dealio down here?

You got a wife, kids? What's up?

Uh, sadly, no.

Uh, I hope one day to
be blessed with one.

- Ah. Girlfriend?
- No.

All right, my work is done here.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

- Oh, thank you.
- All right.

You know that you're a mesomorph, right?

Okay, bud, listen, you know what?

I came down here nice to talk to you.

If you want to start going
off with that stuff...

No, no. Your... Your...
Your physique... It's beautiful.

I mean, you have the perfect
athletic bone structure.

- Oh, mesomorph is good?
- The best.

But why do you carry around
all that extra baggage?

Were you hurt in training?

No, I mean, I-I train
in cycles is what I do.

And right now, I'm in
a hibernation phase...

- You like Doritos?
- I do. I do very much.

Um, it's a big part of the
hibernation phase is Doritos.

See, your body right now
is shaped like a Dorito.

But it points the wrong way.

If you give me six weeks,
I could turn you from this

to this, my friend.

I get it, with the... the wide shoulders

and the... And the skinny waist.

Exactamente. Stand here.

All right, don't move. Okay.

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

Watch this.

This is you, brother, in six weeks.

Whoa! All right, let me see eight weeks.

- A-ka-chow!
- [LAUGHS]

See? You look like the Batman.

I do look like the Batman.

But if you do nothing...

This is you in two years.

Oh. Wow.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no,
no, that's enough.

Enough. Turn it off! Turn it off!

You know what?

Uh, I've done the gym thing before,

and I-I got to be honest.

It just... never worked
out for me, so...

But it will this time.
We'll do it together.

I promise you. Iron sharpens iron.

- Iron sharpens iron.
- Yes.

I like that. You should
put that on a t-shirt.

Already did.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Put me down for an extra-large, then.

No, I'll put you down for a medium.

Ah!

Let's make it large, though,
'cause six weeks...

It's kind of a short time.

♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

So... what's the scoop?

Did you talk to Alejandro?

- I did. Yeah.
- And?

What's the deal? Is he single?

Nope, he's married...

To his work.

Oh, all right, so what happened?
Did you talk me up?

Uh, it never really came up,
so I didn't get a chance.

All right, you know what?
I'm just gonna go down there

- and do it myself.
- No, no, you can't do that.

See, listen, this is
why your relationships

don't work out... 'cause
you force things.

All right, you come in
like a freight train.

You're all hair, nails, and questions.

You freak guys out.

Take a breath.

- All right. I'll back off.
- Yeah, there you go.

So, how long you think it's gonna take?

Top of my head, I don't know, uh...

Six weeks?

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Yo, it's me.

KEVIN: Hey, come on in.

Hey, man, I appreciate you
giving me a lift to work.

- Yeah, well...
- Oh, I'm starving, man.

Whatever you making, I'll take some.

Okay, it's, uh, cauliflower pancakes.

Actually, I just ate. I'm good.

No, I'm telling you, they're awesome.

My trainer gave me the recipe.

Well, you taking this
working-out thing seriously.

- Oh, yeah.
- You know, I-I need a trainer.

Didi told me I don't lose weight,

she ain't losing weight.

And I need to lose some weight.

All right, well, after six weeks,

- I'll give you the number, okay?
- Wait, six weeks?

He doesn't have room
for one more client?

Look, I... He...

He's got to be focused on me right now.

Believe me. Vanessa tried dating him.

I shut that noise down.

Yeah, good, man, 'cause
she's a snow wrecker.

Snow wrecker?

Yeah, you know when
the snow's all fresh,

and then someone comes, runs through,

tramples all over it, ruins it?

She is a snow wrecker. Yeah.

Remember what she did with the guy

at the bagel shop when she dated him?

Yeah, she dumped him.

Now we can't go there anymore

'cause he started spitting in our food.

Started spitting in our food?
You never told me that.

I still go there.

- I'm sure you're good.
- Ohh!

Yo, buddy, w-what's going
on here? What is this?

I'm eating cereal. I'm hungry.

Uh, no, what you're
eating is poison, okay?

You bought that for me.

Yeah, well, I'm taking it back now.

Today we're having some
cauliflower pancakes.

Man, you're a snow wrecker.

Why is he taking so long?

He's writing so much.

Well, maybe he's just appreciating

how clean this place looks. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, no, he just kicked the can of tuna

that's keeping the fridge level.

Ohh. He's gonna shut us down.

Enzo's gonna freak. I ca...
I can't breathe.

Relax.

It's all part of the game. You're fine.

Here. Wipe the sweat off your lip.

Your little mustache
is getting all drippy.

Here he comes.

Uh, I hope everything was satisfactory.

Oh, generally, everything looks okay.

- [SIGHS]
- But I do have a list of violations.

Oh, this is lengthy.

I'm gonna give you a couple days

to have these items
adjusted, and I'll be back.

Oh, and you should wipe
that sweat off your lip.

You work around food.

Look at all of these violations!

I'm never gonna get this
done in a couple of days!

Wow. Let me help you with that.

I...

What are you doing?!

It's not about the list, all right?

The guy doesn't want
the violations corrected.

He's here for a little [SMOOCHES]

- What?
- A kiss.

A little taste of honey. A little guap.

What is he saying?

I think he's saying the
inspector wants a bribe.

Bingo.

But I'm trying to get people
to start saying "guap."

Slowly. Slowly.

- Breathe.
- [INHALES DEEPLY]

- Enjoy it.
- I'm enjoying it.

- Yes.
- Thank you. Oh, down, down.

[BOTH INHALING, EXHALING DEEPLY]

Breathe. Very good.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, yeah. Oh.

- Slowly.
- Mm-hmm.

Can you feel your core
starting to engage?

Oh, hells, yeah. Yeah.

Hey, what's going on?

I was just giving, uh,
Vanessa consultation.

Oh, I didn't know you guys,
uh, know each other.

Well, I was upstairs, and
I thought, you know,

it's never the wrong time for fitness,

so I took the initiative and came down.

I thought we agreed that
you were gonna wait.

You two know each other?

I didn't know that.

Oh, interesting that
he did not know that!

She's so funny, this one.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHING] She's a rip. You're funny!

Oh, uh [CLEARS THROAT]
Kevin, if you don't mind,

I don't want her heart
rate to get too low.

Oh, oh, don't worry.

We're not in any danger
of that happening.

I-I was thinking we might
be able to sneak in

another workout tonight.
You know, we're gonna...

I'm sorry, my friend. We...
We made plans for dinner.

- Isn't that great?
- Mm-hmm.

But I'll send you an e-mail
with all the instruction.

- I promise you.
- Hey, man, what...

What about iron sharpens iron?

Mm, maybe tonight, you can
sharpen your own iron.

Look.

You made a promise to
me about total focus.

- Work with me, brother.
- Yes, work with him, brother.

Fine!

[GRUNTING] All right.

What is next? That's good.

Okay, a burpee?

What is... What is a burpee?

[SIGHS]

[CELLPHONE BEEPS]

What is a burpee?

SIRI: I found this.

Yeah, that ain't happening.

- I'm just gonna do more of these.
- Hey, Dad.

I went out for Chinese
food with some friends,

and we ordered way too
much, so have at it.

Oh. No, thanks, sweetheart.
I'm training.

Oh. Okay. Well, it's here on the

- counter if you change your mind.
- Okay.

[GRUNTING]

[SNIFFS] Oh, they smell really good.

Alejandro, uh, kinda bummed out

I got your voicemail, buddy.

It's, uh, Kevin Gable.

I'm staring at some Chinese food,

and I don't know what to do. [CHUCKLES]

I-I mean, I know what I want to do,

but I don't know what to do.

Hit me back.

- [BEEPS]
- Okay, it's me again.

I ate a spare rib.

I really need you, man. All right.

- [BEEPS]
- Dumplings are gone.

That's on you.

Call me back.

[BEEPS]

Hey, man, I gotta own
the dumplings, you know?

I just... Just do me a favor.

Delete that last message and
call me back, would ya?

It's all good. I ain't mad at ya.

- [BEEPS]
- I just ate a carton of lo mein.

Small carton 'cause I remember

what you said about portion control.

So I'm doing good, right?
I mean, it's kind of good.

[SIGHS] I'm not doing good. Call me!

You know what it is? Here's what it is.

I-I'm gonna tell you what it is.

I-I-I want to have power over the food,

and I show that by eating it.

Look, am I saying I could
have started for the Jets?

No, I'm not saying that, but
I-I'm telling you right now,

people were looking at me. They were

looking at me like I was the next thing.

I was the next thing.
I was the next thing.

My emotions, they just
kind of take over, and...

And then I got to eat savory
then sweet and savory...

It just goes back... It's
happening right now.

I got to go.

Hey, I guess you're not
back from your dinner yet.

Boy, that is a late supper, you know?

[CHUCKLES] That is not healthy.

Here's an idea...
Practice what you preach!

♪

[GROANS]

Let me tell you something, buddy.

The world's a dark, dark place.

You put your trust in somebody,

and then they're just
gonna let you down.

You know what didn't let us down?

This pork fried rice.

Mmm. That is true.

And, teachable moment, Jackie...

Pork anything never lets you down.

I hear ya.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Oh, it's from Alejandro.

"Stay strong, bro.

"You're doing great."

[GROANS]

No, I'm not. I blew it.

It's just one slipup, though, right?

I mean...

I'm not gonna let this
one moment define me.

Wow. That was a hard turn.

Yeah, it was. But you know what?

You and I are back on the healthy train.

- That's it.
- No.

I can't keep doing this!

He does not look happy.

Of course he's not happy.

We didn't do one thing on the list

because your crazy uncle threw it away.

Guys, forget the list.
It's not about the list.

Now, do you got the, uh, envelope
with the bucks in it?

No. I don't.

Okay, we talked about it, and we

both agreed that it's a bad idea.

It's better to just get a citation

than do something illegal.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

Okay, well, I have to go
to class at law school.

So, what do I do? I just hand it to him?

Do I pass it?

No, you put it under the bar.

You... You slide it over to him,

and you give him the little
kiss that he came for.

Okay. Here we go.

Mr. Witt, most of the violations
haven't been addressed,

and I see you put the tuna can back.

Ah, put your pen down, Dwight.

We both know what you
really came here for.

Excuse me?

A little guap.

[SMOOCHES]

Did you just blow a kiss at me?

Yes, but it was only to indicate
the envelope to... [SMOOCHES]

There's money in there.

You do know it's illegal to try
to bribe a county official.

Okay, you know what? T-There's been kind

of a misunderstanding here.

I-I think what the boy's
trying to say is, uh,

if there happened to
be money on the bar,

we thought it might belong to you.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't.

I am simply here to make sure

this establishment is up
to Nassau County code.

Wow. Totally misread that one.

My bad. All right, well, just
put the beer on the tab.

There is no tab. You have to pay.

Well, just take it out of here.

That's my money.

Hey, you know what?
You might want to be nicer

to the guy that might
bail you out of jail.

♪

- [SIGHS]
- Hey.

Hey, look, I'm...

I'm sorry, okay?

You have the right to date
anyone you want to date.

And I just thought there's no reason

that both of us couldn't...

- You can have him.
- What?

Alejandro. We went on
a date last night. He's a bore.

You shut your mouth.

All he talks about is fitness.

You know that he actually
weighs out his food?

[CHUCKLING] That is so Alejandro.

Well, you can have him.

Really? Okay, I'm gonna surprise him.

[CHUCKLES] He loves surprises.

Yeah, it doesn't sound weird at all!

Don't care!

Hey, Alejandro, great news.

Your physique.

You have the perfect
athletic bone structure.

You are what we call a mesomorph.

- Wait, hey.
- Oh.

Alejandro, what's... What's going on?

We're supposed to meet at : .

Well, surprise, surprise.

Who's this?

Just a client.

- Oh, j-just a client?
- Mm-hmm.

'Cause let me tell you something...

That speech sounded very familiar.

Hey, did he tell you you're a Dorito?

Yes. He did.

Well, I hope you two are
very happy together.

Kevin, I'm a trainer.
I have other clients.

- Ah, save it!
- Kevin, I'm just...

- No! No!
- You know, I'm a trainer.

I have other clients. My
life was so much better

when this was a Jamaican
beef patty place!

Kevin. Kevin!

[GRUNTS]

All right.

Are you happy now?

You know what? I gotta
say, I-I really am.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

That's okay, but let's just agree

never to let a man come
between us again, okay?

Okay. Let's also agree to never
phrase it like that again.

Okay. Come on. Let's go
inside now. It's cold.

No, no, no. First I want you to admit

that the monkey was a good idea.

I mean, look at this! You can
see it from the whole city!

This is advertising! Lookit.

It's gonna be so helpful
in everything we...

- [WIND GUSTS]
- Wait a second, monkey!

Monkey!

Oh, yeah. We're in trouble.

We're in trouble.

No, no, we're fine. Now it's drifting.

No, no. It's gonna clear the trees.

We're okay. We're okay.

No, it's gonna hit the power lines.
We're in trouble.

What? At least nobody will know it's us.

- I wrote my name on the foot!
- Dummy!