02x16 - 40 Under 40

Episode transcripts for the 2016 TV show "Kevin Can Wait" Aired September 2016 - May 2018.*
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"Kevin Can Wait" revolves around a newly retired police officer looking forward to quality time with his family - and his fellow retired cops. When his oldest daughter announces she’s dropping out of college to support her fiancé, Kevin knows his only choice is to move them both into his home to keep her in school. The fun has to wait... his family is his new b*at.
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02x16 - 40 Under 40

Post by bunniefuu »

Hey, did we get new towels?

'Cause the one I just used

was like drying off
with a wicker basket.

No. No, I got new fabric softener.

It's supposed to be good
for the environment.

All right, we got to
go through this again?

"Good for the environment"
means it sucks.

"Recyclable"... It falls apart.

"Organic"... You pay twice as
much, and it tastes like crap.

- That's a nice run, Dad.
- Yeah.

Yeah. That's right up
there with your, uh,

"you burn more calories
driving than walking" theory.

It's about adrenaline.

Sweetheart. Our results are here.

Results?

Yeah, we took one of those DNA tests.

With just a little bit of saliva,

they can unravel your DNA

and solve the mystery of your
ancestry for generations back.

I'm % English.

Whoa. Wait.

According to this, I'm % Viking?

Viking? Hold the cheese.

Let me see that thing.

Whoa. This is incredible.

If you're % Viking,
that makes me, uh...

I guess... I mean, you double
it up for the parent, right?

So you'd be... Double it up.
That would be, uh...

You just bang it up twice.
You go, "Boom, boom."

Why... I'm totally blanking on this.

Why am I blanking? I don't e...

- It's %.
- %.

That means I'm / Viking.

Great. I've already played three
sports, and now I'm a Viking?

Boys will never talk to me.

Yeah. It's 'cause you're a Viking.

[SIGHS]

Hey, be proud of your
Nordic heritage, all right?

We're Vikings.

We're brave, we're strong,
and we are fearless.

Do you still want me to pick
up new fabric softener? I do.

Uh, and get the one with
the little teddy bear

that rolls around in the towels.
Thanks.

Snuggles. That's what
all the Vikings used.

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

VANESSA: Morning, Rootger.

Listen, a, uh... A local
magazine is doing a story on me,

and they're gonna be coming by,

taking pictures of me in the office.

- Oh, great. Yeah.
- Yeah.

But if Kevin calls, you don't
need to mention it to him.

I'll handle it. Just tell him I'm busy.

- Got it.
- Okay, great.

- All right.
- Thanks.

- Kevin!
- Yeah, what's up?

- Vanessa's busy.
- Huh?

Hey! Uh... you're here.

I thought you were tailing Mr.
Martin all day today.

I did. Uh-huh.

Uh, it turns out he's
cheating with the FedEx lady.

I didn't even have to
get out of the car,

which is great 'cause I had
a bagel sandwich going.

Nice, nice. Little...

Th... The thing is, I...

- Hey, Vanessa.
- Hey...

uh, Kristen.

Um, this is Kristen from
Long Island Insider.

She wrote a story about Monkey Fist.

So, this is Kevin, and this is Rootger.

So, do you want to just set up?

Yeah. I was thinking we could
sh**t you on the couch

with the logo in the background?

Great.

Photo sh**t. Heads-up
would've been nice.

Not loving what I'm
wearing, but let's do it.

Let's make it happen.

There you go.

Uh, okay.

I guess you can just
stand next to Vanessa.

Yeah, right? This will be good.

Maybe I'll go, like, arms
folded or something.

Really pop the biceps out. A
little Superman style, huh?

- Yeah. Very cool.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

Hey, uh, Kristen, call my name.

Old photography trick. Watch this.

Kristen, call my name. I'm sorry?

You got to call my name... When I...

When I'm back, like, this
way, you got to call my name.

He's not gonna shut up until you do it,

- so you just might as well do it.
- Yeah.

- Okay. Kevin?
- Yeah, what's up?

Take it. Snap it.

- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
- Snap that sh*t.

You got it? Shabang!

And... And, Kevin, let's do one

where you move back just a little bit.

Sure, absolutely. Let's
make it happen here.

Just move back one more step.

Sure, no problem.

- Perfect.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Hey, Kristen, call my name again.

Do it again. Yeah. Kevin.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]



Oh. Hey, babe.

Can you remind me what we're
doing tomorrow night?

Oh, that's right... "Dear
Evan Hansen" on Broadway.

Rhetorical question. Boom!

Actually, I just read a bad review,

and I was thinking we should skip it.

- What?
- Joke from Chale! Boom!

[LAUGHS]

Actually, it's not a joke.
We do have to skip it.

I, um [CLEARS THROAT]

You remember I said my Aunt
Tracy was coming to visit?

Yeah, you said that was next week.

I might've got the dates mixed up.

So we have to miss the
hottest show on earth

because you have to babysit your aunt?

Yes, and... How do I say this nicely?

She's not quite right in the head.

So unless we can find
someone to look after her,

we're stuck.

All right.

Fixed the dryer. Dove right in.

I took the whole thing apart.

Turns out it was just unplugged,
so you live, you learn.

Hey, Uncle Kyle,

how would you like to go on a
date with an English lady?

I'm in. So, give me the lady deets.

- Well, she's my aunt, Tracy.
- [IMITATES BUZZER]

Yeah, the whole "aunt"
thing doesn't work for me.

I, uh, took my buddy's aunt out once.

They said she was fun,

which apparently meant she
had skin like a lizard.

Okay, you know what, Uncle Kyle?

I didn't wanna have to do this,

but if you don't help us out,

I will never hem your
fireman pants again.

But I'm odd-shaped.

With my wide hips and my crazy inseam,

I can't go to a regular tailor.

Well, that's not my problem.

[SIGHS] Fine.

When are we talking?

- Tomorrow night.
- Ah, can't do it.

- Oh, crap.
- Oh, sorry.

I was looking at .

I'm back in.



KEVIN: [SIGHS]

Hey, Rootger.

Okay, you caught me.

I was trying to read the magazine.

W-W-What magazine?

Okay, you b*at it out of me!

[SIGHS]

The article they did on us.

You're not going to like it.

"Vanessa Cellucci, the gutsy,
street-smart former cop

who runs Monkey Fist.

She's charming, she's sassy as"...

Is this... Is this whole
thing about Vanessa?

No, you're in there. Halfway down.

"Vanessa has a motley
crew of assistants.

There's Kevin Gable,

the husky, hyperactive guy
who never stops talk..."

Husky? What am I, ?

Hey, guys. What's up?

Oh, nothing.

Just playing a little game

called "Find Kevin in
the Magazine Article."

I don't seem to be in here at all.

Hey, maybe I'm in a picture.

Oh, yeah, there I am. Nope.
That's the printer.

Look, she wanted to do
an article about me.

I didn't know what to say, okay?

Here's what you say...
We're partners, okay?

I'm not your "husky assistant."

And by the way, I've lost weight.

I don't know if you noticed at all,

but I've been hitting the gym
like three, four times a week.

Not this week, 'cause
I tweaked my back,

but next week, I'll probably
hit it four or five, maybe,

depending on how busy Thursday is.

Did you even read the article?

I mean, look.

"Forty under Forty:

Up and Coming Business
Owners of Long Island."

- "Forty under Forty"?
- Yes!

entrepreneurs that are under .

So obviously I had to leave you out.

But you're over .

Right, yes.

Okay. By a couple of years.

You're over by a couple of years.

By the way, people mistake me for
being under all the time.

Oh, really? Name one.

Uh, how about Freddy at the car wash?

Just this morning, he was like,
"What are you... like , ?"

And I'm like, "No, but
thank you, Fred."

Mm.

These eye crinkles
that you got going on?

Dead giveaway.

- My eye crinkles?
- Yes.

By the way, what do you got
going on the side of your eyes?

'Cause if you're done using 'em,

I'd like to rake the leaves.

That's what I like to do with those.

Okay, before this turns ugly...

Or just after...

I am sorry that I went
behind your back, okay?

Okay. Yes.

This article can really put
Monkey Fist on the map.

And I agree. All right, look.

I'm sorry I said the comment
about your eye crinkles

and... and your turkey-neck thing.

Turkey neck? What turkey-neck thing?

- I never said that out loud, did I?
- No, you did not.

Point is, I'm sorry. That's
what I'm basically saying.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry.

You should stop
talking at this point.

Okay. Yeah, good point. Okay.



Here is the Casey file. [GROANS]

Anything else you need
from your husky assistant?

Oh, come on. I thought you let this go.

Let what go?

It was one article in a local magazine.

Nobody cares.

Hey, where do you want
me to hang this up?

No, no. No, no, no, no, no.

- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
- It's nothing.

- What's that?
- It's nothing.

Everybody in the article got a plaque.
It's...

- Okay, can I see that, please?
- Yeah.

Thank you. Oh!

Wait a minute. "Vanessa Cellucci.

Founder and C.E.O.,
Monkey Fist Security.

'Forty under Forty.'"

I don't see my name on here.

I guess that's all right,
'cause it's a plaque of lies!

Come on. You're just jealous now.

J-Jealous? Are you kidd...

Let me set something straight here.

Do you have any idea how many plaques

I turn down on a daily basis?

Uh, probably none?

Wha... No. No. No.

A lot, right?

- A lot. Yeah, yeah.
- Really?

But you know what I do?

I turn them down because
I'm a team player.

- Mm.
- That's... Yeah.

But now that I know that we're
lone wolves in this thing,

maybe I'll reconsider my policy.

- Okay.
- Change it up, right?

- Fine with me.
- Start taking 'em.

- Plaque it up, buddy.
- I... Oh, I will.

I will. I will.

Good. I don't care. I really don't.

- All right.
- Who cares about this?

It's not even a caring-about thing.

Okay.

Hey, Rootger.

When I say stuff like "I get
plaques offered daily,"

gonna need you to back me up, okay?

Then we need some sort of signal, guy.

'Cause I never know what's going on.



So, Tracy, do you know
what you'd like to eat?

[BRITISH ACCENT] Yeah. How
'bout some tequila sh*ts?

Get this party started.

Wow. [LAUGHS]

Chale told me you were
a bit of a wild child.

Well, I'm on holiday.

Just wanna get a little crazy.

I guess I'm with the wrong guy.

[SCOFFS] I can get a little cray cray.

Yeah, just last week at
Karaoke, I sang a duet.

By myself.

Do you want to take a minute

and think about what you just said?

- I do not.
- Oh, I get it.

They stuck me with you because
you're a wet blanket.

I am a firefighter.

Sometimes the only thing
between life and death

is a wet blanket.

I know your type.

Creature of habit,

going day to day without really living.

But deep inside, there's
a young, fearless...

- What's your name again?
- Kyle.

A young, fearless Kyle,

wishing he'd taken more risks in life.

Wow, you're good.



No, no, no.

I, uh... I understand, Father Philip.

You don't give out plaques
for attending Mass.

Yep.

I-I respect that. I do.

It's just that... You know what it is?

I've been really consistent
lately, and I... Yep.

No, I got it. Yeah.

Yeah, it does go against humility.

Yes.

Okay, see you Sunday. Bye.

He said no.

All right, you know what?

I'm a Viking, and... and
Vikings don't give up.

Right? They throw on their furry boots,

they strap on their
helmet with the horns

and the... the metal
piece that comes out

and blocks the nose right
there, and they fight.

I'm getting myself a plaque.

- I'll go with you.
- I love it.

Uh... I have to forward the
calls to my cellphone, though.

What was it again? What
it star-eight-seven?

- Uh, star-seven...
- I'll see you in the car.

I'm sorry.

Uh, the lady up there

said that this is the Long
Island Viking Society?

Yeah, yeah. We used to have an office,

but it's super expensive,

so my mom was cool enough
to let us do it down here.

Uh, well, I'm Kevin. This is Rootger.

Hey. I'm Ragnar the Wise.

That's Jim the Red.

We got Medieval Mike, and
that there is Kimmy.

Hey, everybody.

Viking power.

I don't know. Should
I do, like, a sign?

Do you guys do, like,
something like that, or...

- Oh, like a "V." Yeah!
- Yeah.

- We should do that.
- Yeah.

Wow.

Look at that Nordic dome.

That's a Viking if ever I've seen one.

Actually, I'm Dutch.

He's the Viking.

Oh. Okay. Yeah.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Well, uh, I hate to be that guy,

but I'm gonna need to see some proof.

Oh! Yeah, no. Way ahead of you.

Uh, here you go. Right there.

[CLEARS THROAT] Wow. %?

I'm only %. Oh, no, no, no.

That's actually my daughter's test.

I'm... I'm %, so...

Shut. Up.

So, anyway, what do you
guys do at these meetings?

You're looking at it.

Don't you do, like, Viking stuff,

like, uh... I don't
know... give out awards

or... or plaques or anything?

Sometimes we go to Chili's.

Let me ask you this.

You ever think about giving
out awards or plaques

- or anything like that?
- No, not really.

Okay, you know, I'm just gonna
stop b*ating around the bush,

and I think you guys
should give me a plaque.

- What for?
- Well, I don't know.

I mean, I came up with
this pretty much, right?

And then, um, I'm %.

I'm kind of your leader, in a way.

- Uh...
- Good stuff. Good stuff.

Right?

Well, uh, we don't have any plaques,

but I might have a scroll of
valor laying around somewhere.

S-Scroll of valor?


Mm-hmm.

Get it.



[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

What's going on?

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Mm, nothing.

Just hanging around.

[CHUCKLES] Right?

Okay.

Obviously you two morons

want to talk about that stupid
thing hanging on the wall.

- What is it?
- Oh, this?

Nothing. Just, uh, my
Scandinavian brethren

just bestowed upon me

the highest honor for
personal achievement,

but whatevs.

Okay, why do you have to make
everything a competition?

- Me?!
- Yeah.

You're the one who
started this, all right?

By doing that article behind my back.

Okay. Again, I should've
told you about it.

I am sorry.

From now on, we do everything
together as a team.

- Okay, yeah.
- All right.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Right after the ceremony,
we start fresh.

[BREATHES SHARPLY]

Ceremony?
Y-eah.

There's a "Forty under
Forty" awards dinner,

and they asked me to make a speech

after one of the honorees
was disqualified

'cause she wasn't really under
, so it's just... just...

You're not really under .

Okay.

Totally different.

The girl was stupid enough to
post her birthday on Facebook.

Grandma deserved what she got.

So, you're just gonna get up there

and take the credit for
everything, right?

And you don't care that I
have something to say.

'Cause I have a lot of stories to tell.

Do you?

Heroic ones about me. Yeah. I...

- "Heroic" stuff?
- Oh, yeah. Very heroic.

Okay. Like?

Okay, how 'bout the time we
were locked in a meat locker?

- You remember that?
- [SCOFFS]

And... Yeah, and I got us
out with a broom handle

and... and... and a stick of gum.

Okay. You used the broom handle

to break the glass while
you were chewing gum.

Got us out, didn't I?

I'm doing this for the team, okay?

There's... There's gonna
be people there.

We all win.

Please, stop being a baby now.

- , huh?
- Yes.

Yeah, that's a...

That's a lot of eyeballs looking
down on someone who's...

not really under .

A lot of hot lights and everything.

I'm just saying, that's a lotta lotta.

You know?

Okay. I know what you're trying to do.

- I'm not trying to do anything.
- Not gonna work.

[SCOFFS] You know what? I'm serious.

I'm... I'm sure you're gonna be fine.
I just...

- I'm gonna be great.
- Okay.

- Thanks so much.
- Yeah, all right.

Not worried about it, bud.



Oh. Whoa!

- Ooh.
- Yeah, how's it look?

Am I, uh, a little too,
uh, male model-y or what?

Hmm...

No, I don't think that's
gonna be an issue.

But you look good. Yeah.

Oh! And you're finally
wearing the shirt

that I got you for Father's Day!

Yeah, don't read into it.

The only shirt in my
closet with buttons.

Where are you going? Ah.

Vanessa's winning a stupid award,

so I gotta go to some stupid hotel

and listen to her give
some stupid speech.

[MUTTERING]

A better friend there never was.

What's the award?

Ah, Long Island business
owners under .

Under what?

Exactly.



Where is Vanessa?

She was supposed to be
here a half-hour ago.

I have to say, coming here to
support Vanessa like this?

Classy stuff.

It's something new I'm working on.

You know... putting the
needs of others before me.

Nice.

Did you get four shrimp?

'Cause I only got three.

I don't know.

But don't you? I mean, I think you'd...

You'd know how many
shrimp you had, right?

Oh. I think Vanessa's up next.

Ladies and gentlemen, from
Monkey Fist Security,

Vanessa Cellucci.

[APPLAUSE]

I didn't even get a
chance to talk to her.

I wanted to say I'm
sorry for what I did.

I'll just do it tomorrow.

We'll talk face-to-fa-a-ce.

[SLURRED] "Forty under Forty!"

We made it!

Whoo!



Guys, you gotta save me.

That chick is more than a handful.

I'm talking about three
straight days of crazy here.

She made me drive through the
Holland Tunnel blindfolded.

They have cameras.

Any idea what that
ticket's gonna be like?

I told you this would happen.

She does this to men.

Yeah, yeah. I-I can't hang
out with her anymore.

I have a job, a pension,
model train set.

I just ordered new mountains.

I wanna be alive when they arrive.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, that's her!

[DOOR CLOSES]

- Hi.
- Hi, guys.

Oh, Aunt Tracy. How are you?

Where's Kyle?

He's... Oh, not here.

His Subaru is parked out front.

[SIGHS] Okay, look, Aunt Tracy.

The truth is, Uncle
Kyle really likes you,

and he thinks you're a lot of fun.

I just think you might be a
little too much for him.

Oh. That's too bad.

He was such a sport, doing
all the things I wanted.

I thought I'd surprise him
with two V.I.P. tickets

to the model train show
at the Javits Center.

Oh, well.

I'm back in.

Forget what I said.

Those tickets are impossible to get.

We're going to make a quick pit stop.

Great. Where?

Atlantic City.



You may be wondering how I got here.

Do you think there's any way

they can turn down the lights a little?

Just focus on her ear.

It's the only part that
still seems human.

Uh, luck and persever...

Pers... persev...

persever... perseverance.

One second.

Mm!

All right, I can't. I can't do this.

I have to be honest with all of you.

What... What Vanessa's
not being honest about

is the fact that she went
undercover this afternoon

at the Long Beach Aquarium,

and a jellyfish just
attached itself to her face.

And I'm guessing laid
quite a bit of eggs.

Okay.

Uh, but...

but she still wanted to power through

and be here for you
tonight, and she did.

And I got to say, that's a...

That's a true mark of
bravery right there.

- [APPLAUSE]
- Let's hear it for Vanessa Cellucci.

Vanessa Cellucci, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, speaking of bravery...

- No, no, no.
- Yeah, don't...

No, no.

Let me tell you about a
story of one man's quest

to get himself out of a meat locker

with nothing but a piece of gum

and a broomstick handle.



[SLURPING]

Hey. Pretty nice night after all, huh?

Oh, okay.

Your... story...

Your st... Okay.

- Your story...
- I'm... Ye... Oh.

- Your... You don't get...
- I'm... I'm not getting any of it.

You're not? Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Oh. Oh. Mm.

MAN: Your story went on and on.
And on. And on.


Oh, really?

Well, it seemed like the
whole crowd enjoyed it.

Oh, please. So boring.

Z-Z-Z-Z-Z.

All right.

I don't need any of this crap.

I'll just go in the other room.

- Fine.
- Fine.

- Fine.
- Fine!

Fine.

[SIGHS]

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

Kevin.

Kevin.

Kevin. Kevin.

Kevin. Kevin.

- Kevin. Kevin. Kevin.
- What?!

Thank you.

[SIGHS] Look.

You don't have to thank me, all right?

And by the way, I got to tell you,

you don't need any of this stuff.

You look fine without it.

- Really?
- Yes, really.

I'm trying so hard to smile,
but I don't think I can.


Oh, let's just get back to work, then.
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