04x10 - Whatever It Takes

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EERIE MUSIC PLAYS

THUNDER CLAPS

SHE PRAYS IN LATIN

It's not like I don't know what you're doing with that shrine.

Does it make you feel guilty?

I'm not the one who's been biting breathers. Get rid of it.

- It's a vampire tradition. Ingrid said so.
- Don't make me tell you twice.

You might want to do something about the bloodstain as well.

There's a very bizarre individual

- snooping around with a pair of binoculars.
- Was it a slayer?

Has no-one told him it's rude to stare? I had to fly into a tree

to escape his attentions. What are you reading?

It's the Psychology Of w*r and Peace...

Where does this infantile idealism emerge from?

Certainly not me.

Look at that! Pigeon droppings. Renfield!

Was it a slayer or not?

Yes, master?

- Get this cleaned.
- Oh. Oh, certainly.

Oh, er, Miss McCauley wants to see you. First thing.

Ah.

- Miss McCauley.
- Was it a slayer?

Your enthusiasm is commendable,

but leave the worrying to those who know how to handle it.

OK?

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

'For those of you who have never fought

'a vampire firefight before, some crucial points to remember.'

- I need to speak to you.
- Not now.

You're going to be scared.

Anyone who tells you differently is lying.

The temptation will be to let fly with everything you've got,

but if you fire a UV g*n from a distance of metres or more,

you're wasting time and battery. Loss of battery is loss of life.

File to the technical area.

We're running out of time. Prepare the sh**ting range.

- This is important.
- And you didn't think that was?

- It's just that the peace process...
- Is finished.

That's hardly Vlad's fault.

I hope you're not suggesting that it was mine.

They all know I was tricked into going. I had no choice.

It was her or me.

And Bertrand's been dusted for that.

- That explains everything in this note.
- I'm not interested in any note, Jonno.

- I'm interested in preparing for w*r.
- Just give him one more chance.

If there is such a thing as an honourable vampire, it's him.

He will do anything to avoid w*r.

Anything?

- Hail, the conquering hero comes.
- Aw!

- It was nothing.
- Nothing.

He single-handedly found

and ousted the little feral who trapped us in the attic.

- What a fellow, eh, Renfield?
- Super.

It's what any son would do for a father, surely?

Down the pleasure in one.

- What's with the, um...?
- Plasma? I'm on a diet..

Utterly tasteless, but...

Cleansing. Come, come, come, come.

Look, now, you're my son and I trust you.

Do I look ?

This is where an incapacity to see one's reflection

becomes a positive curse.

You don't look a day over . And what's bought all this on anyway?

- Here you are.
- The discovery that one has a long-lost son

gives one something to live for.

So it has nothing to do with a certain headteacher, then?

For the last time! I'm not cross with you about Bertrand.

- Get over it!
- Master Vlad... Oh!

Off to his room, no doubt,

to write bad poetry about the futility of w*r.

- So it's true the Slayers Guild is rearming?
- Well, more fool them.

Look. Look.

- What?
- Nose hair!

Does it show?

Hi.

There'll be a lot more blood spilt than that.

- The slayers are preparing for w*r.
- But my note!
- It was ignored.

They launch the att*ck tomorrow night... At seven.

Unless... Unless what?

What aren't you telling me? Come on, Jonno, we're friends.

Neither of us want w*r. Agreed?

So what would you be prepared to do to avert it?

I've dusted Bertrand, what more do you want?

- I'll do whatever it takes, you know that.
- Erin is still biting breeders.

She's just doing it to get back at me.

- My mother will agree to cancel the att*ck...
- That's great.

On one condition.

Which is?

Dust Erin. With the slayers as witness.

As proof of your commitment to the cause.

- You're special, Vlad. I believed in you.
- I'll always protect you.

- I promise.
- Does it make you feel guilty?

Vlad, I need an answer.

Yes...or no?

- Mum's getting ready for the att*ck as we speak.
- Whatever it takes.

- When?
- Tomorrow night. At the guild. We'll see you there.

Jonno.

For bat's sake, I heard it with my own ears.

The slayers are attacking tomorrow night.

Look, I haven't survived all these years by panicking every time

the slayers have a hissy fit.

Excuse me?

- Father knows exactly what he's doing.
- I wasn't talking to you.

- We need to make decisions.
- Yes, indeed we do.

Ponytail or... Hanging free? What do we think?

- Ponytail.
- Hanging free.
- Ponytail.

This time tomorrow we could all be staked and all you can worry about

is your wretched hair?!

Ah, it won't be... Wretched?!

It won't be "wretched" once we've washed in the remaining plasma,

will it, Renfield?

- Gives it more of a bounce, apparently.
- Yes, bounce.

Right, to the salon!

- Don't think I don't know what you're doing.
- What am I doing?

Sucking up to him. You need to start thinking about whose side you're on.

And I have to turn this place into a fortress.

You're wasting your time.

What was Jonno doing here tonight?

How do you know about that?

The slayer's preparing for w*r.

He wants to prevent w*r, as do I.

Have you already forgotten what you did to Bertrand?

I did it for peace.

Oh, he k*lled for peace(!) No further questions, M'lud.

- I'll do it again if I have to.
- So who are you going to dust this time?

'You can read my mind, can't you?'

'I thought you cared about me.'

'I care about what's going to become of you.'

'Remember the girl you used to be?

'Now see what you've turned into.

'It's nothing to what awaits you.'

'You're worried about one bloodstain now.

'Wait till you're swimming in a sea of blood

'and ever-desperate for more.

'Destitute, homeless, living in the gutter.'

Is this what you want?

Is this the life you want to lead?

- It can be avoided.
- How?

You know how.

When?

Look at me.

'Tomorrow night.'

It will be quick and painless, I promise.

'OK, I'll do it.'

We strike at hours local time.

Please synchronise all your att*cks accordingly. Copy that.

Keep all lines of communication open during the countdown to the att*cks.

Where's Jonno?

There's no sign of him.

Broken rear light on car registration

Victor-Echo-five-three-Alpha- X-ray-Whiskey. Over.

- Have you got your documents, please, sir?
- No, I don't.

- I really don't have time for this.
- Sarge?

What have we got here?

You'd better come down to the station.

You, erm...wanted to see me.

- You're a little early, he's not here yet.
- Who's not here?

The new science teacher.

- I thought you'd want to be introduced.
- Hmm?

No, no, I was just admiring your...

Yes, it was a present.

- KNOCK AT DOOR
- Knock-knock.

Mr Count, let me introduce you to Mr Bertolini.

- You look surprised, Mr Count.
- Yes. I feel I've seen you before.

Mr Bertolini's family originate from Italy.

HE YAWNS

I'm so sorry.

Really?

You're wearing my gift.

It's lovely, thank you.

You know, you're a lucky man, Mr Count.

- Am I?
- You have bats in the attic.

I saw one last night hanging from the eaves.

Mr Bertolini is a chiropterologist. It means he studied...

Yes, I know what it means. Thank you.

You know I've searched all species native to Britain,

- but I've never found one like I saw last night.
- No?

Tadarida teniotis. Usually found only in Eastern Europe.

- This could be a major discovery.
- Who'd have thought.

- Our little school...
- Will be famous!

- Once I've submitted my paper on the subject.
- Paper?

To conduct my research,

I'm going to need access to the roof and the attic.

Now, I know you're very protective of your privacy, Mr Count...

Sadly that is quite out of the question.

Enjoy your time at the school, Mr...Butter-beanie...whatever.

It will be very brief.

Two detachments here and here to lure them on.

- It's going to leave them very exposed, mistress.
- So?

- They're expendable.
- What about the back stairs?

That's where you come in, my lovelies.

Careful with those gas bottles. To your positions.

Meanwhile, I'll be waiting behind the door,

ready to release the paralysing gas.

- Aren't you forgetting something?
- What's that, mistress?

What's to stop the gas from paralysing you too, you numbskull?

Calls himself a lover of bats!

Failing to realise the feeling is entirely unreciprocated.

For evil's sake, we've got a w*r on our hands here

and you're drifting around moping like a love-struck schoolboy.

Far from moping, I'm plotting.

I can't believe my father,

the man who saw off the great warlock att*ck of the s,

is letting himself be hopelessly distracted by a brunette breather.

In a cardigan.

Mee-mee-mee-mee... Malik!

Time to go into action.

Come on. I have a school project for you.

I'll teach that bat-fancier who he's messing with.

Oh, and don't get caught.

I'm glad you're here. It's just that Roberto...

- THE COUNT SNIFFS
- Roberto?

- Mr Bertolini.
- What about him?

Well, he's immensely excited about the bat colony in the roof.

Allow me.

Urgh!

I thought I made my feelings plain in that regard.

He believes there are grounds to make the building

a site of special scientific interest.

It would make us eligible for a grant to pay for repairs to the roof.

Is that a fact?

Miss McCauley, you're needed.

- Something's happened.
- Right.

Hello, hello?

- It's supposed to be a completely safe experiment...
- Tut-tut!

- Oh, my word.
- Please, wake up.

Please, wake up.

I feel we have little choice but to report this

to the health and safety executive.

A sacking offence, sadly.

Thank goodness. Are you all right?

Perhaps we can let you off with a warning this time. Everybody OK?

- Everybody all right?
- Oh, yes, fine.

Malik!

You idiot. This is not the time to be indulging in Dad's undead love life

and wasting valuable amm*nit*on.

This is w*r. We need to concentrate.

Lighten up, sis. Brainbox here has got plenty more.

- In battle, you can't afford to take anything for granted.
- That's right.

We have to prepare for the unexpected.

Now get into your positions.

And that includes you, too.

Since when did I take orders from a child?

Left to you, we'd end up getting staked.

You have yet to learn the meaning of the word "respect".

Mrs Van Helsing.

- Still no sign?
- Nothing.

The child's disappearance

has proved that a vampire is never to be trusted.

Last night he went in peace. His failure to return demands vengeance.

You know the best thing about battle?

The smell of fear.

- Scare them witless and the battle's half won.
- Try telling that to Vlad.

- All his talk of peace.
- It's just his way of covering up his cowardice.

We're well sh*t of him.

Give me vampires who crave v*olence, who burn blood and drink deep.

What are you staring at?

Can I have a battle costume?

What's so funny?

The very idea.

Renfield is the brains of the operation.

Aren't you, Renfield?

Uh-huh.

And as such, should be regarded with unreserved respect.

- Since when?
- Since I said so.

Now, go and check on the Vampettes.

And no flirting.

To work.

HE SNARLS

THEY SNARL

People are going to die if you insist on keeping me here.

I've had enough of this. Get me a lawyer.

I've had the report back from Forensics.

The canister in question does indeed contain garlic gas.

Seemed to think you might be

a contestant on MasterChef or something.

All right, you got me.

- It was supposed to be a secret, but now you know.
- And the stakes?

For toasting marshmallows.

- Please.
- All right. There's nothing I can charge you with.

You're letting me go?

You need to bring your documents back here to the station

within the next seven days.

Thank you.

It's time.

Let's get this over with.

Where is everyone?

It's too quiet for my liking.

Ssh!

CREAKING

FOOTSTEPS

- HE GASPS
- Hello.

Search him.

- He's unarmed.
- Where are the others?

The others?

- The other slayers - where are they?
- Slayers?

- I was just trying to get them to...
- Seize him.

- She came willingly.
- Of course she did.

ELECTRONIC WHIRRING

LOUD CRACKLING

Switch off the UV cage.

Do it!

'Help me. I'm sorry. I don't have any choice.

'I will always love you.'

I'll never forget you.

Stop!

What's happened to all of us?

I thought you wanted peace?

- Give that here!
- SHE SNARLS

No!

ELECTRONIC WHOOSHING

I'm sorry, Jonno.

Come on.

- Mum?
- Where am I?

You've been mind-wiped.

Do I know you?

I'm trying to find them.

This is no army of slayers.

You've gone a bat too far, Mr Butter Bean.

- Ah, Mr Count.
- Ssh! Ssh! Ssh! Ssh.

You will return to your bed

and when you wake up, all this will be but a bad dream. Ba-ba-ba...

And, on waking, you will feel an overwhelming urge

to tender your immediate resignation to Miss McCauley.

Is that clear?

Right, there's nothing to see here.

It's over.

HE CHUCKLES

Well, so much for you and your...

w*r.

HE GUFFAWS

Bye-bye, Butter Beany.

Hello, Miss McCauley.

My dear Miss McCauley,

I understand Mr Bertolini has tendered his resignation.

I'm so deeply sorry.

More sincerity. Yes, more sincerity, you fool!

Right, you know...

- Miss McCauley, I...
- Oh!

Mr Bertolini has been telling me all about his alarming dream last night.

You know, you were in it, Mr Count. Very strange.

- He said you had resign, apparently.
- Did I really?

Dreams can be the most peculiar things sometimes, can't they?

Indeed. Indeed.

- Perhaps you'd like to join us?
- Mmm!

Roberto has made the most wonderful lunch.

Spaghetti al olio!

It's pasta, some basil, olive oil, a little red chilli

and, of course, plenty of fresh garlic.

I'm more of a carnivore myself.

Excuse me.

Right.

Where are you going?

It's getting dark, and I'm feeling peckish.

Have you learned ANYTHING?

Have you forgotten the future that awaits you?

I intend to embrace it.

It's a shame you can't see yourself in the mirror.

- You might just see what you've become.
- Everything I've ever done,

I've done for peace.

A dictator, as corrupt as those he seeks to oppose

and, even in that, you fail,

because Jonno wasn't mind-wiped, was he? How come?

It says in the book. You can't mind-wipe someone you care about.

- He's your enemy.
- Used to be!

Things change.

You used to be my friend.

You seriously think Jonno will stay your friend after what you've done?

He'll be thirsting for vengeance.

Factor that into your peace process.

I need my dinner.