03x07 - The Siren

[bunniefuu]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

- COLIN: What about that one?
- LASZLO: That'll do nicely.

That gaggle of human flotsam
doesn't even belong on the sea.

Bat!

[SCREAMING]

COLIN [SINGSONGY]: Hello.

- Get the f*ck out of here!
- Just like on Gilligan.

- MAN: Come on!
- [WOMAN SCREAMS]

- Send us a postcard.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

[WHOOPS] Just the dudes!

And away we go.

["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪
Again, we do apologize so deeply

for taking up any of your time.

I wish I could have helped you with

whatever this was supposed
to be about, but...

Is that Count Bakula?

- BAKULA: Who's that?
- Hi, Count Bakula!

- Big fan!
- No, shush!

It turns out he's not
even actually a vampire.

We got it wrong. He's actually a Scoot?

- He's a Scott... Bakula.
- Scott.

Nadja, really, I-I need to
go. I got people in the pool...

- NADJA: Yes, you must go. Thank you so much.
- NANDOR: But before you do,

eh, Count Bakula, could I just ask,

did you ever have an ancestral

home in the Transylvania area?

Not that I'm aware of.

Uh, we're all here in Sherman Oaks.

Oh, is that near Bucharest?

No, it's between Mulholland
and, uh, and-and the Galleria.

I do apologize for my associate.

He is demented.

Nandor and I have come
to a better agreement

on how to run the
Vampiric Council together.

- Which is a...
- A diplomatic solution, whereby...

Which is that we will each
be running the council...

BOTH: On alternating days.

GUIDE: It's a terrible solution.

Every day is spent undoing what the
other one did on the previous day.

We are two, but we work as... one.

One.

I said say it together.

GUIDE: This is the most
poorly run Vampiric Council

since the rule of Paduk the Deranged.

Who also tried to share
his leadership duties

with what he believed to
be was a talking footstool.

But we even had good days with him.

There are no good days with these two.

This is ultimately what power-sharing

and coexistence is all about.

A real Israel/Palestine situation.

Yes, a win-win.

- Nandor!
- NANDOR: Yes?

Here we go again.

- NANDOR: What?
- Nandor!

DOLL NADJA: Ah, there you are!

- I've been looking everywhere.
- Not now, darling.

- I need a moment.
- Could you possibly pick me up and... ?

- GUIDE: Busy.
- I'm going to peel the skin off your scrotum

and chew it like a gum!

What is this?

This is an agreement
for our Vampiric Council

of the Tristate Area... VCOTSA!

To be the proud sponsors of the upcoming

- Fun Run for MS.
- NANDOR: Yes.

- And you think this is a good idea why?
- DOLL NADJA: Nadja!

It is a good idea because it is good

that humans are healthy.

Healthier humans mean
healthier eating choices for us.

- NADJA DOLL: Pick me up, please!
- Not now, darling!

- Please!
- GUIDE: Shoo, little one.

And so we are going to
announce to the world

on the back of T-shirts,
"Proudly sponsored

- "by the vampires that live amongst you... "
- Pay attention to me!

- "... that you're not supposed to know about"?
- Yoo-hoo.

- Ay!
- I am undoing this.

- It will be undone.
- NADJA DOLL: Hello?

Undo nothing!

I will put a temporary stop-work order

on the proposed undoing.

No one will even notice.
It's gonna be like...

"Sponsored by Wells Fargo,

- Jersey Mike's Sub Shop... "
- [SIGHS]

- [SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
- "... VCOTSA."

Sometimes I feel like I've
become invisible to everyone.

And that hurts, you know?

Wow, so...

this is what we're doing now?

Just gonna pair Guillermo
with the doll for interviews?

That's wh... that's where we're going?

Really, just get all the B-team
interviews done at the same time?

Nice, real nice, guys.

Oh, boo-f*cking-hoo!

My legs are five centimeters long.

Looks like you guys
have things covered here.

I have chores to do.

- Do you need help?
- No, I got it.

- Oy.
- PRODUCER: Guillermo, come on.

He's a chore, am I right?

Now I'm guessing you're wondering

why are those fellas on this boat?

We're actually on our way to
a place called Plum Island.

LASZLO: Colin Robinson
believes that Plum Island

holds the secrets to his
energy vampire origins.

COLIN: It's owned by the government.

It's an animal disease research center.

Off-limits to average Joes
and likely highly guarded.

Centuries ago...

I commanded the captain's helm

of many an important vessel.

I began my seafaring life as a...

young sailor scrubbing
the poop decks...

[LAUGHS] Poop decks.

That's what it's called.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

And from there I was
in charge of sloops,

battleships, brigantines,

the Titanic for two seconds.

You name it, I sailed it.

[HORN BLOWING]

What the f*ck?!

- Just hit the...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it.

Sorry. [LAUGHS]

Yeah, that's loud. [CHUCKLES]

DOLL NADJA: You know,
being a ghost spirit

in a doll body has been
a complicated experience.

But I've made some good memories here.

Yes... [SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE, WHOOPS]

Remember that chopping someone's
head off is an absolute last resort.

- Yeah, okay.
- [GRUNTING]

Which, in turn, causes
an uneven wear pattern.

- Mm-hmm.
- And that is why you were

walking weird last week.

- You'll be walking weird if you don't shut up.
- Absolutely.

♪ Vampires are a happy folk ♪

♪ They share a laugh,
they share a joke ♪

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Oh, Nandor!

[GRUNTS] sh*t.

- She's pretty good. Hey!
- I'll k*ll you! Aah!

- Nandor, I'll f*cking k*ll you!
- Whoa, no... hey, Nadja!

But as time has passed, I
have realized I don't fit here.

Perhaps I'm that one extra
piece leftover when a puzzle is

already completed and there
is no place where it fits.

Which is not how a
puzzle works, of course.

But who gives a sh*t?

That is how I feel.

I'm the extra puzzle piece.

[SIGHS] Okay.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Let's hit the road.

NADJA: Honestly, Nandor, I don't want

to sample virgin dogs. We've
already tried that before.

It doesn't work.

- GUIDE: It will be undone.
- "Vampire ice cream"?

It's just cold blood.

We can put blood in the fridge.

- We don't need to do vampire ice cream.
- Nadja?

- Undo it.
- Hello?

- I'm leaving now.
- It will be undone.

NADJA: More portraits of Nandor?

Undo that. No, we've
got enough portraits...

Okay, then, I guess I'll
just be moving along.

NADJA: Vampire carnival?!

I mean, we are a secret species.

When I was a captain, life was the best.

I knew a thousand sea shanties,

I was nut-deep in prostitutes,

sword fights every other day,

as much gold as you could
shake a shitty stick...

What the f*ck are you doing? It's dark!

I-I know, it feels good, though.

- Hey, can you get my back?
- Uh...

maybe I'll do that later.

[GARBLED RADIO CHATTER]

[WOMAN VOCALIZING]

What is this song?

It... it's haunting,
yet... so familiar, I...

And yet like nothing I've heard before.

k*ll the engine! k*ll the engine!

And the radio!

I think it's coming from over there!

Coming from the starboard bow.

We should investigate!

Well, we got to. I don't
see what else we can do.

- Okay, shall do! Okay, let's go.
- Haul ass!

No, I'm... I'm starting to think

- it could be a trap.
- I was just thinking that.

It definitely seems
like some sort of trap

- we probably shouldn't, uh...
- [WOMAN VOCALIZING]

Ooh, ooh!

No, I think we should
definitely investigate.

- Haul ass, smoke grass, let's go!
- You got it.

Ha-ha!

- Whoa! How about that?
- Where's my tie? Where's my tie?!

[WOMAN VOCALIZING]

[BOAT CRASHES]

LASZLO: f*cking hell!

NADJA: Oh, Nandor! Oh, Nandor, help!

- What? What?
- Help me, somebody! I can't...

[CRYING]: Oh, no!

- What is it? What the... ?
- She's gone!

- Who?!
- My baby dolly!

She's gone! She has left
home! I can't find her!

How do you know she has left home?

- Maybe she's just under the couch.
- No!

I can feel it inside my bones.

It is exactly what I would
do if I wanted to make

everyone worry about me
and cause a big drama.

Just give her some space,
I'm sure she will come back.

wives and you still

cannot read the room when a
woman needs some attention!

Come on, we have to go and find her!

- Oh, do I have to?
- Oh!

I hope she is okay out there

all by her small self... you know what?

If she wants to go out
there, get kidnapped

by a Turkish horde of gangsters and
sold off as mincemeat, fine by me.

Rolled up, turned into kofta,

then I'm fine with that.
This is all my fault.

I have been neglecting her.

And when I find that little...
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I am going to melt her head.

I'm going to make a chalice out
of her face and drink from it.

I will help you find her. Guillermo!

- Guillermo!
- ... petty emotional drama...

- GUIDE: So is this you?
- GUILLERMO: Just put it down.

Handsome then, handsome now, huh?

- Yes, you keep saying that over and over...
- Guillermo!

- Oh, look.
- We are leaving!

Great, great, I'll come with
you because I'm your bodyguard.

No, no, you will stay here
and you will search the attic

for that sweet, little,
stupid bitch of a doll.

If you find her, you will kiss
her, then hit her, come on!

- But she said not to...
- Doesn't matter what she said.

I'm dealing with a woman
who is having a heated

debate with an identical
version of her own mind.

Come on, I do not want
to be alone with her.

Mind if I stay in your bed
for a midevening slumber?

No! Get out of my room!

- Get out and don't touch anything!
- Okay.

I will not touch anything.

[WOMAN VOCALIZING]

Oh, oh.

- It's beautiful.
- That voice.

It beckons me.

Really? 'Cause I-I'm getting more

of a "Colin beckoning," to be honest.

[VOCALIZING]

Do you have a name, my darling?

Don't interrupt my song, mm.

There'll be plenty of time
for applause at the end, boys.

[LAUGHS]

The only thing I hate more
than when someone interrupts

my song is when they try and join in.

It's not right.

[LAUGHING]

Is it me, or is she... hideous?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

LASZLO: Nope, nothing there I want.

- Let's go.
- I'm as limp as a finger.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Fantastic stuff.

All the best, my darling.

- Toodle...
- Oh, wait!

Hang on.

sh*t.

sh*t, look.

Colin Robinson,

we are in the presence of a siren.

[GAGGING]

[BURPS]

Sirens are creatures from
Roman and Greek mythology.

There is a common misconception
about their appearance,

but they actually take
many different forms,

mainly birds that lure
unsuspecting sailors...

Yeah, they know what a f*cking siren is.

- We just got to get out of here.
- Well, maybe they...

Wait, perhaps one of my suitors

would want to compete
for a shiny trinket?

[SQUAWKS]

- Yummy.
- Or perhaps, f*ck that.

Bat!

[SHEILA VOCALIZING]

- That's the most beautiful song I've ever heard.
- Yeah.

Call d*ck Clark, 'cause he's
gonna want her on Bandstand.

Reckon.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE] Where are you?

- Yes, where are you?
- You silly bitch!

- Where have you gone?!
- How do you know she's even here?

Because this is exactly what I would do!

I would come to some toy
store and sit on a shelf

and wait for a sweet little
girl to take me home instead

of living in a house with a
bunch of uncaring assholes!

That is what you think of us,
a bunch of uncaring assholes?

All the time? No.

Sometimes? Yes!

Lately? A lot!

- Guillermo? Focus now.
- Sorry.

You know, maybe she just
needs some love and caring

and respect, you know, the things that

- are completely missing from our house!
- Hello?

- Dolly, baby! Hey, Dolly.
- Here, Dolly, Dolly, hello?

- It's okay, come out.
- Where are you, my love?

- Here, Dolly, Dolly...
- Nandor!

- [NANDOR GRUNTING]
- I'll k*ll you!

You're stupid, Nandor!

Aah, my f*cking...

- Nandor...
- [GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

What have you done?!

My sweet baby!

She is so limp and lifeless.

Sorry, I thought it was
a giant bug or something.

- GUILLERMO: Hey, guys, look!
- DOLL NADJA: Leave me alone.

I don't want to talk to you.

Her spirit has jumped
from one body to another!

- NADJA: [SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE] Come home!
- Come on.

Stop being so dramatic,
you stupid bitch!

I love you so much!

- What are you doing?
- DOLL NADJA: Leave me alone!

- NANDOR: That's not nice.
- NADJA: Goodness' sake!

NANDOR: Oh, sh*t, uh...

- DOLL NADJA: Forget about me!
- Just kick them out...

[GRUNTING]

- Are you okay?
- Yes!

You silly cow!

Guillermo, tidy the balls, please.

NADJA: I love you so much!

If you scoot a little to your left,

I think I can get my mouth
down to gnaw through this rope.

- We're not even tied up.
- Oh.

- [GLASS BREAKS]
- [SHEILA LAUGHS]

If she found out,
she'd have me for dinner

and you for dessert.

Well, why-why would she eat me second?

Well, you don't go to the
hog roast for the coleslaw.

- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [SHEILA CLUCKS]

COLIN: Oh, God, listen,
it's useless for me.

Why don't you save
yourself? You can fly.

I'm not gonna leave you, Colin Robinson.

[FREQUENCY CRACKLING]

♪ sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts,
sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts ♪

♪ sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts ♪

♪ sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts ♪

♪ sh*ts, sh*ts, everybody... ♪

What a heavenly voice and
a beautiful personality.

Absolutely.

Sit tight, boys. I'll
be there in just a sexy,

- tiny, little second for you!
- Not again!

Just a little second, actually.

Bloody hell. We're being enchanted.

♪ You want to go ♪

♪ Carmel is the number to know... ♪

It's the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.

It reminds me of the first
time that I met my love Nadja.

That's how I know
that this is true love.

Yeah, I'd give a year's salary

to watch her lay a couple eggs.

Yoo-hoo, boys! Who's
up for a little fun?

[WHOOPS]

LASZLO: sh*t.

One word springs to mind.

- What's that?
- Bat!

[BAT SQUEAKING]

Alone at last. [LAUGHING]

- Nadja!
- What?

No, I'm calling out for the doll.

- Well, that's not her name.
- What is her name?

I... I didn't give her one, okay?

GUILLERMO: Wow.

- Real nice.
- Doll?

- My love.
- Dolly.

- Where the hell are you?!
- Hey.

- [SCREAMING, CLAMORING]
- [BABY CRYING]

- NANDOR: Oh, sh*t.
- [NADJA SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Please stop this...
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- And come home!
- You don't love me anymore.

None of you do! Just let me go.

Of course we love you, you stupid bitch!

Too little too late.

- NADJA: Ah.
- Where did she go?

Okay, enough! You can forget it!

I am not indulging in this anymore!

Go and live your stupid life,

and good luck trying
to make it on your own!

Fine! I will! I'm going
to have a lot of fun

- as this big rat!
- [WOMAN SCREAMS]

Well... your ass looks huge!

Ha! Not as big as yours, darling.

- [NADJA GASPS]
- sh*ts fired.

Taking it up a notch.

You better not have said
what I think you just said!

She did.

Enjoy the view, baby!

- [BAT SQUEAKING]
- Oh.

Oh, Laszlo, thank goodness!
You can help me with my...

Not now, my darling!

- Come on.
- Now I need you

to come up with a device that'll make me

impervious to all external sounds.

GUILLERMO: Yeah, we, we
can go somewhere for that.

NANDOR: You're protesting.

By that, I mean making
me temporarily deaf.

Yes, I-I know exactly where to go.

LASZLO: What is all this stuff?

Is this stuff any good
or is it just sh*t?

- Okay, just find it and let's...
- Hi.

Can I help you guys find anything?

No, we're just looking for
some noise-canceling headphones,

but we have it under
control. Thank you so much.

Now hang on, what is the purpose
of this propelled plastic spider?

Oh, this is our Magic Mini tri-copter

- with the special-edition chrome propellers.
- Oh, wow.

Gizmo, I think we need one of these.

No, we don't. We should
get going, Laszlo.

♪

Judi?

Between you and I,

could I really notice a difference
between . and . surround?

Look, . is absolutely fine
for most standard home use.

Right, but it's not . .

That's what you're really saying.

Well, me, I'm a bit of an audiophile.

And I have a sneaking suspicion

that you might be,
too, Mr. Cravensworth.

[LAUGHS] Guilty as charged.

Hey, did you find everything
you were looking for today?

- Yes, I did, Kevin.
- Great.

Now, will this be, uh, cash or card?

I will not be paying for anything today.

Got it. No charge.

Now, will you be wanting the
extended warranty coverage?

I won't be talked into
any extended warranty.

Got it. Now if you just
punch in your email...

Nor will I punching in my email address.

I won't be talked into any
kind of Best Buy membership card

or charge card.

Right, but we really do need

your email to keep
you up to date about...

- promotional... Geek Squad.
- Oh, for the Geek Squad?

- Not a problem at all.
- Okay.

Lcravensworth @nyconnex.com.

I have no idea what my home
phone number is... what is it?

- ...
- Okay, yeah.

Quadrophonic sound was a great gimmick.

But I don't think the
wider public gave a sh*t

about that kind of detail.

What exactly does all these electronics

have to do with Colin Robinson?

Oh, sh*t.

Enchanted twice in one evening.

Once with Sheila.

And then Judi from Best Buys.

I-I don't know who Sheila is, so...

- No, don't...
- Bat!

♪ Sail away with me to another world ♪

♪ Where we rely on each other ♪

♪ Ah, ha ♪

♪ From one lover to another ♪

♪ Ah, ha ♪

BOTH: ♪ Islands in the stream ♪

♪ That is what we are. ♪

[BOTH LAUGH]

You know, um, Rascal Flatts,

they have a song called
"Life Is a Highway."

- I don't know that song.
- And, uh,

this detour tonight has
kind of changed my mind.

Maybe life isn't a highway.

You know, maybe life is an ocean.

- [LAUGHING]
- Yeah, yeah.

Yes. [CHUCKLES]

You're an odd one, Colin Robinson.

Listen to me babbling on.

- [LAUGHS]
- Um, Sheila...

I-I think that you're something

really special.

Really?

Most people don't like
me when I'm not singing.

Most people don't like me
when I'm talking either.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- [SQUAWKS]
- Oh.

I'm sorry, I got nervous.

I did a little poopy on you.

Nothing to be nervous about.

It's not the first time

a beautiful woman has sh*t on my shoes.

[CHUCKLES] Thanks.

- Probably...
- Human form! [GRUNTS]

Fear not, Colin Robinson!

- Oh, sh*t.
- A captain never abandons

his crew, so, siren, release him.

- [CLUCKS]
- Can you give me just

- one second, sweetie?
- Yeah.

- Leave him alone and come on.
- Laszlo, no.

- What?
- I'm in love.

- [SHEILA CLUCKING]
- I mean, she's the one.

It might be a little unconventional,

but... love can't always be explained.

What, even when she's not singing?

Well, when she's singing,
I-I can't resist her, but...

when she's not singing, I don't...

want to, want to resist her.

- LASZLO: Look at what she's doing.
- Yeah.

He's mad.

- My lovely bitch, we've got you!
- Leave me alone!

There's nowhere left to
run... just give it up!

Stop chasing me! Let me be free!

You don't even want me!

- Hey!
- What are you talking about?!

- Of course we want you!
- Ooh!

You're the one who ran away!

- Are you f*cking kidding me with this?
- Ouch!

[SCREAMING]

Oopsies.

What have you done?! Oh, my love!

She was only gonna jump
into another vessel anyway.

DOLL NADJA: I am very tired.

Just let me go.

It would be easier for you.

You have so much to do
already, without having to worry

about me and my silly emotions.

Yes, I have been very busy recently.

But you have to understand.

I have been working so f*cking hard

in that house to be taken seriously.

To get anyone to give me any respect.

I've been trying to be
professional, but I've been

squishing down and mincing up my own...

silly emotions.

BOTH: Oh...

Oh.

Wow.

I am so sorry.

It is not okay.

And I am going to do better for you.

And for myself.

NADJA DOLL: I am too
tired. Switching hosts

is extremely draining.

I don't think I can do it anymore.

[SIGHS]

How about one last home?

Do you feel like coming
back and living with a bunch

of uncaring assholes?

Okay, why not?

For what it's worth, I
also think you're doing

- a great job as coleader...
- NADJA: Shut up.

- This isn't about you.
- NADJA DOLL: Not even a little bit.

And I'm taking the day off tomorrow!

Oh, yes, a day out!

We can crush grapes and spit
all the pits at the pigeons

and t*rture mortals...

- [SHEILA CLUCKING]
- Right.

Listen to me, Colin
Robinson, she is a siren.

It's her job to enchant you.

You're not in love.
You may think you are,

you dumb f*ck, but you're not.

Yeah, well, how do you
know the difference?

She's half-chicken.

Yeah, nobody's perfect.

You go away, my friend.

I'm in love.

- Did you eat your dinner?
- Yeah.

All right, this is going to end
badly, so what you need to do

is cut the mics, turn all
the sound equipment off,

and put your fingers in
your ears, and do it now.

- PRODUCER: Okay. Do it.
- Now!

[AUDIO CUTS OUT]

[MICROPHONE THUMPING]

[SHEILA CRYING]

PRODUCER: Oh, sh*t.

NADJA DOLL: How do I
look? Do I look all right?

- Yes, you look great. You always look great.
- Mm-hmm.

This has all made me realize
that in my efforts to be taken

more seriously as a leader
of the Vampiric Council,

I have been neglecting
my gorgeous, sweet,

cutie, silly, little, dolly mama-moo.

Yes, exactly.

And because, uh, she is me, the same,

it means I have been neglecting
the gorgeous, sweet, juicy,

lovely, silly part of my
own excellent personality.

And what I've realized, since I am her,

I've got to communicate
my emotional needs

to everyone... and to myself.

I love this little slut.

And I love you, my little whore.

Potty mouth, the same.

[LAUGHTER]

♪

Oh, hello.

I say, um, apologies for
not making it to Plum Island

to find out more about
your energy vampire origins.

Yeah, well, I-I guess
I remain an enigma.

Which is pretty cool.

Right, has that
chicken's spell worn off?

I guess.

I mean, maybe I didn't experience

true love today, but
it-it-it sure felt like it.

I'd say that you didn't
experience true love today.

I didn't, no. [LAUGHS]

All right, well, I'll leave you

to whatever the hell you were doing.

Okay, then. [CHUCKLES]

[RADIO FREQUENCY CRACKLING]

[SHEILA VOCALIZING]

If-if you guys could...

maybe give me a-a minute?

Um, I'm gonna b*at off now.

♪ Nightingale of paradise ♪

♪ You sing of love ♪

♪ Flooding all the world ♪

♪ With light ♪

♪ Heedless men ♪

♪ Hear not your song ♪

♪ Of life eternal. ♪