04x16 - Martinis And A Sponge Bath

[bunniefuu]

Hey.

Oh, hi. Your mom said I could hang out.

Hang out, hang yourself,
I really don't care.

What's your problem?

Oh, sorry.

My car broke down,

and I had to walk three miles
in these awful polyester pants.

My thighs almost started a fire.

You want me to look at the car?

Well, I guess technically
it didn't break down.

Technically, it ran out of gas.

How does that happen?

There's a gauge, there's a light,

some cars go ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.

I know, I was just riding the zero.

Help me out, is that a
sober thing or a lady thing?

No, it's a Plunkett thing.

When my car tells me it's out of
gas, I choose not to believe it.

Wow, that's, I don't know
what the word is for that.

Maybe... stupid?

I prefer to think of it as exciting.

A simple trip to the grocery store

becomes a life and death adventure.

Yeah, I'm gonna stick with stupid.

So you need a ride somewhere?

Well, I was gonna meet
the girls at the bistro

- and go to a meeting.
- I'll take you.

You sure?

I always have plenty of gas in my car.

Coward.

(chuckles)

So, how did this "riding
the zero" thing get started?

Well, first of all,
you have to understand,

I used to be really poor.

Worse than now?

'Cause you steal toilet paper from work.

You want to hear the story or not?

Yeah, yeah, okay. Sorry.

One day, my gas t*nk was on empty,

but I still had to get to my job.

So, I just ignored it and it kept going.

Eight days. It was like Hanukkah.

You rode the zero for eight whole days?

Kind of makes you tingle, doesn't it?

You do know that it's
really bad for your engine.

You're such a man.

How about while you're at the meeting,

I get some gas and swing by your car,

and put a couple of gallons in it?

Thank you, Adam.

That's so sweet.

My mom completely does not deserve you.

You're not wrong.

So listen, I need a favor.

I've been talking with a social worker

about my foster care application,

and I'm supposed to get letters
of recommendation from friends

saying that I'd be a good mom.

So, Marjorie, I was wondering

if you would write one for me.

- I'd be happy to, Jill.
- Thank you.

I would also be happy to write one.

Well, we'll see how many I need.

(cell phone ringing)

Huh. That's a strange number.

Hello.

Yes, this is she.

Yes, I know Christy Plunkett.

- Oh, my God, is she all right?
- What's going on?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay, I'm on my way.

That was the hospital.

Christy was in a car accident.

- What?! Is she okay?
- Oh, no!

I don't know. Come on, I'll drive.

Why didn't they call me?

Check your phone, maybe
it went to voice mail.

No, nothing.

Oh God, what if she has amnesia
and forgot I'm her mother?

Then there's a silver lining.

♪ ♪

I'm looking for Christy Plunkett.

She was in a car accident.

Yes, she's here. Are
you Marjorie Sponsor?

Actually that's me, uh,
Marjorie Armstrong-PERUGIAN.

You took Victor's name?

Not now.

Is she okay?

You'll have to talk to a doctor.

Excuse me, I'm her mother.

Why wasn't I called?

The EMT's checked her phone,

and Marjorie Sponsor is
her emergency contact.

- Here's your visitor's pass.
- Seriously?!

She gets to go in and I don't?

I'm only authorized to admit
the person that's on my log.

This is crazy. I'm her mother.

Not everyone likes their mother.

Oh sweetie, I'm so glad you're okay.

Get out of my way,
this is police business.

Oh, baby.

Hi, Mom. Are you okay?

The doctor said I have a
concussion, but I'll be fine.

Oh, honey, I'm so
relieved, I was terrified.

One question, why is Marjorie
your emergency contact?

- What?
- Bonnie, this is not the time.

You're right, you're right.

The important thing is that you're okay.

What happened?

It's all kind of fuzzy.

I was going to the bistro and
this car came out of nowhere.

It's just weird that the
hospital didn't call me.

Am I in your phone as "Bonnie" or "Mom"?

Great, you're all here.

Christy's CT scan was
clear so she can go home.

Oh, good.

But she'll need rest

and somebody's got
to keep an eye on her.

That would be me, her mother.

And while I may not be
her emergency contact,

I will not leave her side until
she's completely recovered.

Thanks, Mom. How's Adam?

He's fine. Why?

- He was driving the car.
- What?

Oh, no.

- JILL: Oh, my God.
- You didn't know that?

No, Wendy, I didn't know
that 'cause nobody called me!

He's just down the hall.

Go.

You're sure?

I'm surrounded by doctors and nurses.

I'm safer here than I am at home.

I'll be right back.

I always forget you have a job.

(Jill laughs)

- Oh, my God, are you okay?
- Oh.

- I've been better. How's Christy?
- Oh.

She's gonna be fine. What happened?

Guy came out of
nowhere, I never saw him.

Did you break your arm?

- No, I just dislocated it.
- Oh.

Oh, look who finally showed up.

Danielle? What are you doing...

What is your ex-wife doing here?

- I'm his emergency contact.
- Oh, come on!

- (laughs)
- (laughs) Don't be upset.

I'm sure he just never
got around to changing it.

I'm probably still the voice
on his answering machine.

You told me that was your mother.

Um... can I have my soda?

Yeah.

I'll give it to him.

I just talked to your doctor.

He said they're sending you home soon.

Great, you'll come home with me.

Babe, I'm gonna need
to go back to my place.

- Why?
- I'm down to one working limb here.

I can't even take a
shower in your apartment.

Now, will you be able to stay
with him? He's gonna need help.

- Damn.
- What?

I-I've got to take care of Christy.

Aw, aren't you a good mom?

What's that supposed to mean?

D-Don't worry, I will
take care of this big lug,

get him back into fighting shape.

(chuckles)

Is that cool with you?

That your ex-wife is
gonna take care of you?

I'm super-duper.

Ah.

And you were so sure
she was gonna flip out.

Isn't he silly? It's...

You all done?

Yeah.

Oh, you didn't eat a lot.

You feeling okay?

I have a headache, I'm nauseous

and I don't remember much.

So, kind of like I'm again.

But... I'm alone in a bed I
recognize, so that's good news.

God, that must've been so scary for you.

It was.

When I was in the ambulance,

I kept thinking about all
the things I've never done,

all the places I've never been.

Europe?

Actually, Orlando.

All right, the doctor said
I'm supposed to ask you

these questions to make sure

you're recovering from the concussion.

Now... what is your name?

Christy Jolene Plunkett.

Okay. What is the name of this place?

Earth?

I'll accept that.

What day of the week is it?

- I don't know.
- I don't, either.

And the final question,

why the hell aren't I
your emergency contact?!

What?

You programmed Marjorie
into your phone.

I don't remember your giant
head poking out of her patooch.

I changed it when you relapsed,

and I guess I never got
around to changing it back.

Oh. So it used to be me?

- Well...
- Oh!

Come on, man.

- I am great in an emergency.
- I'll change it, I'll change it.

No, I don't want you to change it

'cause I made you.

I want you to change
it 'cause you trust me.

I totally trust you.

Good, 'cause I'm not
the person I used to be.

I know that.

And if the people who used to know me

weren't all dead or in
jail, they'd be amazed.

And yet you're alive and walk free.

- What's that?
- I love you.

I love you, too.

All right then, I'm
gonna give Adam a call

and see how he's doing.

Please tell him I'm sorry.

None of this would've happened
if I had put gas in my car.

Ah, riding the zero.

Yep.

How many days you get?

- Four.
- (exhales) Respect.

Hey, remember when we
drove that old Buick Skylark

from Denver to Salt Lake
with nothing in the t*nk?

Well, to be fair, we were
going down a mountain.

Mountain my ass, it was a miracle.

(cell phone ringing)

Adam's phone.

Danielle.

Could I please speak
with Adam on Adam's phone?

Oh, Adam was right,
you really are a hoot.

Uh, unfortunately,
he's sleeping right now.

Uh-huh. So, you gonna head out?

No, we decided that I should
stay tonight, you know,

in case he needs help using
the bathroom or bathing.

Bathing?

He had a car accident, he
didn't fall in a mud puddle.

Bonnie, I'm sleeping on the couch,

you have nothing to worry about.

(chuckling): Oh sweetie,
I wasn't worried.

- Oh, good. Bye-bye.
- Wait, I...

Hello?

Damn it.

- CHRISTY: Mom?
- Oops. I'm here, baby!

Hey there, sleepyhead.

Aah...

What are you doing here?

Just taking care of you while your mom

pees a circle around her boyfriend.

What?

Okay. Now, I've got
some concussion questions

I'm supposed to ask you.

What is your name?

Christy Jolene Plunkett.

- Your middle name's Jolene?
- Yes.

Then why the hell do you go by Christy?

'Cause Jolene's stupid.

Oh, well I guess my dead
grandma's name is stupid then.

Wait, where's my mom?

Hey! I'm asking the questions here.

What is the name of this place?

Orlando.

So now, where's my mom?

She's at Adam's. She
asked me to fill in,

which is great, because
it gives me a chance

to use what I'm learning
in my mommy classes.

Okay.

I don't think I like your tone.

I'm sorry, I just meant that...

I know what you meant.

You still don't think
I'd be a good mother.

No, I'm just kind of waking up.

I can read between the lines.

What lines?

The lines we draw when
we hurt each other!

I think I might be in danger.

Adam?

ADAM: It's open!

That's when you had

that stupid Smokey and
the Bandit mustache.

That was a Magnum
mustache and you loved it.

Hey, baby.

Ah, am I interrupting happy hour?

Oh, no, we'll just keep drinking.

Danielle made martinis.

I took a pain pill, they say you
shouldn't mix them with alcohol,

but they were wrong.

Hey, I know I can't
get you one of these,

but would you like
something non-alcoholic,

like, maybe a juice box?

No. Thanks.

I just came to see my boyfriend.

That's me.

Okay.

So I'm assuming you're feeling better.

Oh yeah. I took a nap and then
Danielle gave me a sponge bath.

All of you?

Oh, relax, I mean, it's not like

there's anything there
that I haven't already seen.

It's not seeing it I'm worried
about, it's polishing it.

(giggling)

- Not funny.
- Not funny.

Listen, if you have to get back

to your daughter, everything's
under control here.

One of my friends is watching
her, I can hang for a while.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't you two give
each other a sponge bob...

... and I'll watch.

Mm-mm.

This is one terrific sandwich.

This is the kind of
sandwich that would make

any adult or child
feel very, very loved.

Give me a break, it's grilled cheese.

Oh, okay, that answers
one of my questions.

Come on, Jill, I didn't
mean to upset you.

I was just mad 'cause my mom left.

And now I realize I'm better off.

Really?

Yeah. You think she would've

made me a grilled cheese sandwich

then let me watch her play Candy Crush?

Thank you, Christy Jo.

I guess I'm a little
extra vulnerable right now.

This foster process is kind of grueling.

So many hoops to jump through.

It's, like, give me the
damn kid, you dimwits.

(scoffs)

I get it.

I mean, here I am,
recovering from a head injury,

and you're the one having a tough time.

Right?

(sighs) You comfy? Do you need anything?

- I am a little cold.
- Really? I'm warm.

I'll open the window.

(snoring)

If you're looking for your
drink, I moved it over there.

How thoughtful.

Oh, I see we lost Adam.

Yeah, opiates and alcohol
will do that to a person.

Not me or Keith Richards,
but we're gifted that way.

(snoring)

You can run along now,
I'll put him to bed.

No, I promised him I'd stay and
I would never break a promise.

Uh-huh.

Unless it was a marriage vow.

- So that's how you're gonna play it?
- I'll play it any way you want.

Fine.

(snores)

(farts)

You realize that whoever
wins this gets him.

(farts)

CHRISTY: Jill, I appreciate your help,

but I can go to the bathroom by myself.

Don't forget to wash your hands.

I got it!

- Christy, I'm worried.
- About what?

I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a mother.

Why would you say that?

It's just that I've been here all day

taking care of you, and
frankly, it's kind of tedious.

(toilet flushing)

And a little icky.

- Trust me, you're overthinking it.
- Hands.

Okay.

(sighs)

People make parenting
seem so fulfilling.

What people are you talking about?

Facebook people,

Instagram people,

Kelly Ripa.

Well, no one's gonna
post a video of their kid

finger-painting with dog poop.

Does that happen?

It's most of what happens.

Then why do people do it?

This might be the concussion talking,

but... 'cause it's worth it.

It's % hard work, % joy...

Your numbers may vary... but...

it makes you feel like
your life's worth something.

So you really think I can do this?

I know you can do it.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Now get some rest.

- Christy?
- Yeah?

Leave the light on.

How about I leave the hall light on

and keep the door open a cr*ck?

Deal.

(exhales)

She's right.

I'm gonna make a great mom.

- You comfy?
- Mm-hmm.

- You have enough pillows?
- Yep.

- You love me?
- I do.

Then why am I not your
emergency contact?!

(bangs)

Ow.

(sighs) Okay, Danielle, here's the deal.

I'm going to hire someone
to take care of Adam.

Ideally, a large Filipino man.

Are you really so
threatened that you'd rather

have a stranger tending to him?

I'm not threatened. You're threatened.

- Why would I be threatened?
- Because I'm threatening you.

Oh, honey.

You don't want to do that.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Adam told me

you were in the Army
a million years ago,

so I'm sure you're really
great at making a bed.

But I have been b*ating
snot out of people

since grade school and
I'm really in the mood

to b*at the snot...

(yells)

What just happened?

ADAM: You two girls
getting along out there?