04x17 - Black Mold and an Old Hot Dog

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Bonnie, alcoholic.

GROUP: Hi, Bonnie.

Well, (sighs) as if being a single mom

wasn't stressful enough...

(softly): What?

I'm also the manager

of an apartment building.

Anyway, the owners of the
building have started this thing

called an "annual
performance evaluation,"

which is worrisome 'cause, uh...

no one in the building really likes me.

So, I called Marjorie and she said,

(imitating Marjorie):
"Bonnie, nothing changes

"if nothing changes.

"Just do one thing different

and see what happens."

- Do I really sound like that?
- No.

So, starting today...

when a tenant asks me to fix something,

I'm gonna give 'em this finger

instead of the one I want to give 'em.

Thanks.

- Who'd like to go next?
- I will.

- Hi, I'm Jill, I'm an alcoholic.
- GROUP: Hi, Jill.

Well, I have my final meeting

with my caseworker
today, where they tell me

if I'm approved to be a foster parent.

I've done everything they asked...

I put a big ugly fence around my pool,

childproofed my whole kitchen.

It takes me ten minutes
to get a damn cr*cker.

I am terrified.

I want this so bad.

I called Marjorie about it. She said,

(imitating Marjorie): "Jill,
you are in the actions business.

God is in the results business."

- You sure I don't sound like that?
- Not at all.

So, I guess we'll see
what God's got in mind

this afternoon at : .

Wouldn't hurt if y'all
said a little prayer for me.

Thank you.

If you want, I'll go to
your appointment with you.

- You'd do that?
- Of course.

It's like Marjorie always says,

(imitating Marjorie):
"Christy, in this program,

we never have to do anything alone."

You don't really sound like that.

WOMAN: Excuse me, sweetie,

are you here with a grown-up?

I am a grown-up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were a foster child.

If you have a spare
mother, I'm open to it!

- Hey, what'd they say?
- Let's just go.

Wait, what happened?

They turned me down.

Why?

My caseworker thinks I
haven't been sober long enough.

I can apply again in a year.

Oh, Jill.

I'm not saying I'm gonna do it,

but this is kind of a Xanax moment.

No, hold on. This isn't
right. Wait here.

Hey! You listen to me.

You are making a gigantic mistake

turning down Jill Kendall.

We're both in AA and I can tell you

she is totally committed
to her sobriety.

Thank you. And she will make
one hell of a foster mother!

There's a poor little child out there

who needs her, and shame on
you for standing in the way!

Shame!

♪ ♪

- Sorry I'm late.
- Where have you been?

Managing a -unit apartment building.

Some of us work for a living, Wendy.

I'm an emergency room nurse.

And I actually help people.

Case in point, Mrs. Slivkin in E

now has a working light
fixture in her bathroom.

Ignoring her took six months,
fixing it took six minutes.

There's a lesson in there somewhere.

(phone rings)

(groans) It's my caseworker.

What does she want, to reject me again?

(ringing continues)

Hey, Barbara, what's up?

That's amazing.

Your crazy little
outburst changed her mind.

You should have seen me.
I actually spit a little.

Really, already?

They have a child for me.

- Awesome.
- That's great.

- Wow.
- Uh-huh.

- It's a little girl named Emily.
- Oh, I always wanted a girl.

Oh, that's perfect.

She's months old.

- Oh...
- Oh...

Baby shower.

Excuse me, what?

years old.

- Oh.
- Ooh.

Uh-huh.

I'm sorry, can I call you right back?

(clears throat) Thanks.

Teenage girl, she's bounced
around the system for a while,

dad's gone, mom's an addict.

She sounds like our people.

- What are you thinking?
- I don't know.

I mean, this whole time,
I've only pictured myself

with a baby.

I can't dress a teenage
girl like a bumblebee

and make it my Christmas card.

But think about all the good
you can do for this girl.

Yeah, I lived this. No one
wants an older foster kid.

You're like one of those
hot dogs at the gas station

that's been on the roller too long.

You have a chance to do
something wonderful here.

CHRISTY: Right.

You can help this girl not turn into

an old hot dog like my mom.

Do you have to give 'em
an answer right away?

No, the next step would be

to meet and see if we like each other.

I guess I can do that much.

(phone chimes)

- Damn it.
- What?

Slivkin. I fixed the light

in her bathroom, now she can see

the black mold in her shower.

No good deed, huh?

Siri, what is black mold?

What do you think?

Does this say fun foster mom?

It says Prince d*ed and all
I got was this lousy hat.

It's not really you.

What about now?

Take the hat off, Jill.

(groaning): Oh, God.

Now that this thing is
starting to get real,

I'm totally freaking out.

I don't even know what
she should call me.

I mean, I'm not her mom,
"Jill" sounds too familiar,

and "Mama Jill" sounds
like I run a whorehouse.

You were a foster kid.

What'd you call the
people who took you in?

Unlucky.

So, where are you meeting this girl?

My caseworker's bringing
her to the bistro.

It's like the scariest
first date of my life

and I went out with Dennis Rodman.

Okay, we need to come
back to that eventually.

But, for today, just relax.

Talk about clothes and boys.

It's your wheelhouse.

In a lot of ways, you
are a -year-old girl.

You always know just what to say.

So, how's it going with all the tenants

evaluating your performance?

How do you think it's going, Christy?

Sorry.

Yeah. On the plus side,

I have learned a lot about myself.

Really? Like what?

Well, apparently, your mother
rubs people the wrong way.

No.

I was surprised, too.

Then, I read some of the reports.

They let you see them?

I may have steamed
open a couple envelopes.

And get this:

people described me as
"lazy, untrustworthy,"

and in one memorable instance,

"a useless broomstick with hair."

Ouch. (chuckles)

Hey, one tenant called you my pet mouse.

That's so mean, I didn't do anything.

Oh, stop squeaking.

So, what's gonna happen?

If you lose this job,
we lose the apartment.

Thanks, I'd actually forgotten
that for a couple of minutes.

Hang on.

Siri, remind me to pick up
mousetraps on the way home.

- (laughs)
- What?

"Broomstick with hair."

(phone rings)

It's Jill.

- Are you gonna answer it?
- Kind of have to.

Hi.

I just want to thank you guys again

for being here with me.

She's thanking us for being here.

I can hear her.

You sure you don't want to sit with us?

You'll be fine. We're
right here if you need us.

Oh, my God, they're here.

Just remember, boys and shopping.

Or cigarettes and shoplifting.

Hi, Barbara.

Hey, Emily, I'm Jill. What's your name?

- Emily.
- (laughs) Right, of course, sorry.

Uh, please, sit.

I'm a little nervous.
This is my first...

whatever this is.

Not mine.

Emily's been in the foster system

for quite some time now.

Terrific. How do you like it?

Hang on, I have a hat for you.

Oh, not the hat.

So, tell me about yourself.
What do like to do?

Um, I don't know, draw and
read, like, graphic novels.

Graphic? Like dirty books?

No. Uh, graphic novels
are basically comic books,

maybe a little more sophisticated.

Oh, I read Archie when I was your age.

Betty or Veronica,
who's he gonna choose?

Archie was a comic book about teenagers.

And the challenging problems they face,

like "who am I gonna take to the prom?"

Why don't you tell her about the
graphic novel you're working on.

It's kind of a
post-apocalyptic doomsday story.

Oh, neat. Is there a prom in it?

Oh, that girl's not gonna pick me.

I've watched The Bachelor enough
to know I'm not getting a rose.

Ah, come on, there's always hope.

We were there. No rose.

So, it didn't work out
with this young lady.

You'll take what you learned
and use it moving forward.

Yeah, well, I'm hoping
for a baby next time.

When babies don't like you,

they have the decency
to keep it to themselves.

Don't be so sure.

This one's first words
were, "Leave me alone."

I think it was, "Love me,"

but it's interesting
that's what you heard.

(cell phone rings)

Hey, Barbara.

Listen, I know that didn't go well,

but I am gonna take what I learned

and use it moving forward.

I'm sorry, what?

Oh.

Emily picked me!

- Mama Jill's in the house!
- Way to go.

- Congratulations.
- Yay!

Okay, so, do I come pick her
up or do you guys deliver?

Dear God, she thinks
this is Amazon Prime.

Oh. Yeah, that's great. See you soon.

I got to go.

They're dropping her off in two hours.

Son of a bitch, it is Amazon Prime.

- What's this?
- Plan B.

I'm baking my famous banana
bread for all the tenants.

It was only famous
'cause you put hash in it.

What was plan A?

Doing my job, but I'd need
a time machine for that.

You think banana bread's
gonna change people's minds?

No, banana bread gets me in the door

then I win them over
with my natural charm

and mastery of hypnosis.

- Oh, God, we're moving again.
- Yeah, maybe.

Where are you going?

Over to Jill's, see
how her first night went

with her foster kid.

It was awkward and awful.

- You talked to her already?
- Didn't have to, I lived it.

Every foster's first night is like that.

Well, I can still help.

I've got experience.

I could write a book about
raising a teenage girl.

What would you call it?

"My Own Daughter Doesn't Speak to Me,

But Here's What You Should Do?"

Oh, and what would you call yours?

"I'm Sure I Had a Kid
Around Here Somewhere."

Yeah. It's not my fault you
kept taking your leash off.

So, how was your first night?

A little rocky.

The One Direction bedspread
did not go over well.

I tried to tell you.

- She must've liked the heated pool.
- I guess.

I'm still learning how
to interpret her grunts.

Oh, yeah,
-year-old girl.

"How was your day?" (grunts)

"How was school?" (grunts)

It's like living with
somebody trapped under a rock.

Oh, hey, there she is.

- How'd you sleep?
- (grunts)

Can I get something to drink?

You don't have to ask. You live here.

Emily, this is my friend, Christy.

Christy, Emily.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Got any Gatorade?

Oh, I'm so sorry, no, but
I do have coconut water.

Do you like coconut water?

I don't know. Does it
taste like coconuts?

With a whisper of urine.

(whispering): You got a smile.

I'm taking an orange juice.

Great. Are you hungry?

I can have Soledad make you breakfast.

Pancakes, quiche, huevos rancheros.

She makes an egg white veggie frittata

that'll make you think
you're in the promised land.

(whispering): Please
make me stop talking.

Come and sit down with us.

Yeah, come on. Let's chat.

So, you like Rick and Morty, huh?

Yeah.

I got into it because of my
son, but now I love it, too.

Wubba-lubba-dub-dub.

(burps loudly)

(laughs)

(laughs nervously) What's happening?

And when I close this door,

you will wake up, feel
refreshed and like me.

Ooh, Mr. Munson, hang on,

let me get that bicycle out of your way.

Oh. Oh, well, uh, thank you, Bonnie.

That's what I'm here for.

Uh, everything okay in your apartment?

You need anything fixed,
replaced, hauled off?

What's wrong with you,
you back on the dr*gs?

No, sir, I'm just trying to do my job.

Uh-huh. This have something to
do with that tenant evaluation

they called me about?

Did you talk to them?

Not yet.

All right, let's cut to the chase.

What do you want, old man?

Pam Grier.

- Within reason.
- A woman who tells me she's Pam Grier.

How about banana bread and a back rub?

Deal.

Come on in.

Emily, these drawings are amazing.

- You're really talented.
- Yeah, talented.

What's the story?

Yes, I, too, would like to know.

I don't have it all figured out,

but it's about this girl
after, like, an atomic w*r,

and she has to learn how
to survive on her own.

Well, now that's depressing.

- I think it's cool.
- Depressing and cool.

- So, what happens to her?
- I was just gonna ask that.

- She probably dies.
- Now, that's cool.

- No, that's depressing.
- Oh, I give up.

Excuse me.

- (quietly): What's going on?
- Christy, I can't do this.

You should just take her home with you.

No. I already have a
daughter I screwed up.

This one's yours.

But it's so awkward.

I have nothing in common with her.

So what? She needs a home,
she doesn't need a buddy.

I know, but I really
want her to like me.

Then you shouldn't have
signed up to be a mom.

Hey, how about, how about
you and Bonnie come live here

and help me with her?

We might have to take you up on that.

Let's see how the banana bread goes.

Oh, great. Now I don't know
what you're talking about.

Christy, this was a mistake.

When people don't like me
at first, they never like me.

I don't have a chance with her.

That's not true.

I didn't like you at first.

You didn't?

Nope. I thought you were
self-obsessed and spoiled

and your teeth were so
white it made me angry.

But then I got to know you,

and now I can't imagine
my life without you in it.

Now, go out there

and keep talking to her until
you find some way to connect.

I'm sorry, I just can't.

Do you want me to leave?

I can call my caseworker.

No.

I want you to stay very much.

I'm just so bad at this.

I think you're doing okay.

- Really?
- (grunts)

Did you hear what she said?

She thinks I'm doing okay.

I have never once heard
that from my daughter.

Hang in there.

Hey, Violet, it's your mother.

Just checking in, haven't
heard from you in awhile.

I thought maybe you and Luke

might want to come over
for dinner on Sunday,

unless you broke up with him,

in which case, bring the new guy.

Love you, bye.

Hey. What's going on here?

Just chilling with my favorite tenant.

(chuckles)

Okay.

Hi, Beverly.

Mouse.

You're still gonna wax me, right?

Yeah.

So, Jill, how's it going
with your foster kid?

(grunts)

I'm sorry, what?

That's teenager for "okay."

Now, you see what happens when you...

Oh, God, I do sound like that.

(cell phone chimes)

Yes! Thank you, God!

You passed the evaluation?

Close enough. I'm on probation!

- Congratulations.
- Wow.

- Probation party!
- What did you do to turn it around?

A lot of things I'm ashamed of!

Waitress, a round of hot
water and lemon for my friends!