04x19 - Mushroom Soup and Tantric Sex

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, Christy, alcoholic.
- GROUP: Hi, Christy.

I know I've shared about this before...

Yeah, yeah, I was a crappy mom.

Let it go.

I'm talking about being lonely.

Oh, great, carry on.

So, anyway, there's this
cute guy at my school,

and we'd been doing
the smiley, flirty thing

for a couple of weeks,

and one day I just got tired of waiting

for him to make a move
and I gave him my number.

He seemed really excited,

said he was gonna call, so,
crazy me, I believed him.

I mean, he drives a Prius.

Prius equals sincere,
everybody knows that.

Except Brad... that's
his name... never called.

So I give him the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe a parent d*ed, maybe he d*ed.

I was hoping he d*ed.

And then this morning

there he was,

walking across campus, so not dead.

And that's when it hit me,

I'm gonna be alone forever.

(phone vibrates)

(sighs)

I have been sober for almost four years,

and, yes, my life is better for it,

but nobody told me that
leading a clean life

meant putting my vag*na up on blocks.

(phone vibrates)

Would the owner of the phone
or vibrator please turn it off?

It's your phone.

What?

Oh.

Sorry.

But it is something you would do.

(sighs) I'm just saying
that when it comes to love,

sobriety isn't doing me any good at all.

I may as well be a...

Oh, my God,

it's a text from Brad.

He lost his phone, he just found it,

he's really sorry, and he
wants to take me to dinner.

GROUP: Aw.

Anyway, sobriety's amazing, thanks.

Okay, babe, I'm gonna head home.

You really need to drag
all that back and forth

every time you spend the night?

Oh, you poor, simple man.

You think this just magically happens?

This requires equipment.

Such as?

Forgetting about
clothing, underwear, shoes,

lingerie for before,
sweatpants for after,

there's also body lotion,

face lotion, exfoliant, night repair,

eye cream, makeup, which
is a whole subcategory.

Then you've got your
curling iron, blow dryer,

shampoo, conditioner...

Which by the way, is
two separate things,

no matter what it says on that big jug

of industrial crap you use.

I have a blow dryer.

Aw, you're so cute.

You have a boy blow dryer.

It's only good for drying your balls.

- You saw me?
- Unfortunately.

Why don't you just leave
all that stuff here?

Because then I wouldn't
have my stuff at home.

I can't afford to
double up on everything.

Well, maybe all this going
back and forth isn't working.

Maybe we need to... make a change.

Are we breaking up?

'Cause I should warn you,

I've been getting a lot
of hits on Farmers Only.

- Have you now?
- Yeah, you want to know why?

'Cause city folk just don't get it.

What I'm trying to say is...

... maybe you'd consider...
moving in with me.

Oh. (chuckles)

Wow.

It'd be a hell of a lot more practical.

Practical.

Be still my b*ating heart.

You don't have to answer now.

I'm just putting it out there.

Okay, well...

(strained): thanks for asking.

I'm gonna need some time to get quiet

and... give it some thought.

Cool.

- Let me know what Marjorie says.
- I will.

All right, so I'm gonna ask the
question that's on everyone's mind,

how bad was your date last night?

It was actually really good.

- So, did you guys... ?
- No, he was a gentleman.

Eh, well, I just tuned out.

It was weird... He asked
me all these questions

and listened to the answers

and then remembered them
and mentioned them later.

Gay alert.

- So where'd he take you?
- A vegan restaurant

called The Sprouted Flute.

(chuckles) Did he bring his husband?

Marjorie, make her stop.

Ignore her, go on.

The food was actually great.

Brad says that the human body

isn't really designed to consume meat.

If the good Lord didn't
want us to eat meat,

why'd he invent veal?

He knows so much about
the environment and food

and politics. Did you know that,
in some parts of the world...

Big news, Adam has asked
me to move in with him.

- (women gasp)
- What do you guys think?

- Well, I think it's a really...
- If you don't mind, Marjorie?

It's a big step, Bonnie.

That's what I was gonna say.

BONNIE: Here's what has me worried.

We're getting along great now, but,

you know, it's like cocaine...
The first couple of lines,

everything's good, next thing you know,

you're robbing a
Laundromat with no septum.

- So you're not gonna do it?
- Hang on, Wendy. Marjorie?

Well, Bonnie, I think
it's a personal decision

- and you need to pray on it...
- Hey!

I was in the middle of saying something

when you walked in.

- Sorry, finish.
- Thank you.

Brad told me that, in
certain parts of the world,

people are dying because they
don't have clean drinking water.

And?

That's it. It's just really messed up.

So what do you think? Should
I move in with Hot Wheels?

Okay, now add a slice of eggplant

and hit that with another
scoop of cashew cheese.

I just keep picturing
tiny little farmers

trying to milk cashews.

(laughs) You know,
before I became a vegan,

my favorite meal in the world
was a bacon cheeseburger.

And then I realized I
was tired all the time.

I'm tired all the time.

- And I couldn't focus.
- I can't focus.

- I was moody.
- I'm super moody.

So you get it.

Not really.

Close your eyes.

I want you to taste something.

Okay, but just so you know,

I once had a bad experience
with this exact scenario.

Trust me.

Yeah, he said that, too.

Pretty great, huh?

I really want to say yes.

Give me another bite.

Now this I like.

Oops.

Oh, sorry, uh...

For kissing her? She's in
a serious slump; get at it.

Brad, this is Bonnie, my mom.

Bonnie, Brad.

Captain Prius, nice to meet you.

- Brad and I are making dinner.
- Oh, what are you cooking?

Actually, nothing.

Brad is showing me

how to prepare a raw, vegan lasagna.

Why?

Um...

why are we doing this again?

Eating raw food is how human beings

have thrived for millions of years.

Thrived? Those guys d*ed at
and walked around like monkeys.

- All right, off you go.
- See you.

Shall we eat?

I eat all the time. Kiss me.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Ooh, that smells great.

- Yeah, couple of bone-in rib eyes.
- Nice.

You have no idea what's
going on back at my place.

Christy's vegan boyfriend
is preparing a feast

- fit for a gerbil.
- (laughs)

Oh, no, not one of those guys.

Did he try to sell you on it?

Oh, yeah, vegans and Mormons,

always looking to turn you.

(laughs)

Hey, come here. I want
to show you something.

I've seen it before, but I'm
always happy to take a peek.

Ta-da.

Oh, my God, what did you do?

I thought I could make it easier
for you to spend the night.

You thought of everything.

Lot of loofahs.

How many you think I needed?

I figured it was like sandpaper,

you get it for different kinds of wood.

Oh, Adam.

I did good?

You did really good.

I love you.

(laughing): I love you, too.

I want to move in with you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

(laughs)

Oh, damaged women are so easy to please.

- (crying): We really are.
- I know.

BONNIE: So, with me out of the way,

you and Captain Prius will
have the run of the place.

- Stop calling him that.
- Okay, how about King Kale?

You already used that one, it
wasn't funny the first time.

All right, here's a new one:

Jolly Green Average Height.

Say what you want, I really like Brad.

Ooh, ooh! Tofu Gigio.

Yeah, hilarious.

In the meantime, last night he
introduced me to Tantric sex.

Ugh, is that the sex
where you don't finish?

- Have you ever tried it?
- Not on purpose.

The point of it is
learning self-control.

Brad says that if
you're not thinking about

where you're going, you get to
be present for where you are.

Sounds like where you are
would be chafed and frustrated.

I wouldn't expect you to get it.

Clearly you didn't get it either.

Come on, grab a box, let's go.

Brad says the orgasm
is greatly overrated.

(Bonnie laughs hysterically)

(continues laughing)

All right, enough.

Oh, sorry. (chuckles)

I think that's all of it.

Wow.

It's gonna be weird
around here without you.

Yeah, but you know,
if you think about it,

it's actually kind of cool.

You and I came together
when we needed each other,

we healed, and now
we're ready to move on.

(crying): Why'd you have to say that?

(crying): I don't
know, it just came out.

But it's true.

So true.

(sniffs) What is that smell?

Brad hooked me up with
some natural deodorant.

Well, it ain't working.

I know. (sniffles)

That's okay. I still love you.

I love you, too.

And I really hope with all my heart

that this works out for you.

Thanks, babe.

I guess this is good-bye.

Yup. This is it.

Okay.

I'll see you at the meeting tonight.

(blow dryer whirring)

(turns off)

Babe?

Hey. Where'd you go?

To the bathroom.

In the hallway?

At my neighbor's.

I don't understand, why
didn't you just use this one?

Because somebody was
in there for minutes.

Hon, you sound like Christy.

I wasn't in there that long.

Price Is Right started and ended.

The guy won a Toyota, and
I almost soiled my chair.

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.

- Why didn't you say something?
- I banged on the door,

but your jet-engine hair
dryer drowned me out.

Wow, okay, can we file this
one under "lesson learned"?

Yeah, sure.

I don't even know my neighbor.

Now I owe a favor
to a -year-old man

who uses one-ply paper
and collects troll dolls.

- Again, I'm sorry.
- Forget it.

We just probably need to work out

some kind of... schedule.

Yeah, we'll find our rhythm.

What happened to my...

Problem?

No, it's just...

... that's my Kennedy Space Center mug.

I didn't know it was special.

Did you get it on a field trip?

My dad gave it to me.

Well, would you like to have it?

No, no, it's fine.

I'll just use one that doesn't remind me

of my late father.

Whatever.

(shudders)

Okay, how about this?

Why don't we go through all the mugs,

- and you can tell me what's what?
- You know, don't make this a thing.

Oh, it's already a thing.

Okay, Westfield Dry Cleaners.

Can I drink out of this,

or did they sponsor
your Little League team?

Actually, an old
girlfriend left that here.

Good to know.

Next up, ooh, who's the
slut you took to Lake Tahoe?

- Thanks again for making dinner.
- My pleasure.

Mung bean pizza tastes much better than

regular pizza... am I right?

It certainly takes longer to chew.

Trust me, your colon's gonna thank you.

Well, the old girl's
trying to say something.

Okay, let's get started.

Now close your eyes.

You gonna kiss me again?

No, we're gonna meditate.

Just as good.

Take a deep, cleansing breath.

Inhale... Exhale...

(stomach rumbling)

- Sorry. Mung beans.
- Perfectly natural.

And once again, deep, centering breath.

Peace in...

fear out.

(stomach rumbling)

Wow, that one cracked a rib.

Don't judge it. Observe it.

Observe it? I can taste it.

(g*nf*re, tires screeching on TV)

- Hey.
- Hey.

(turns TV off)

- What you doing?
- Just going through the mail.

You mean going through my mail?

I think you mean, "Thanks
for bringing it in."

Whatever, sure, thanks.

(turns TV on)

(g*nf*re, tires screeching on TV)

(turns TV off)

It's just you've only
been here a couple of days.

It's not likely that there's
anything there for you.

What's the big deal?
Were you expecting something

from the Kennedy Space Center?

You're right. You're right. Forget it.

(turns TV on)

(turns TV off)

Bon?

Yeah?

Jacket.

Yeah.

- Love you.
- Yep!

(turns TV on)

Whoa! That was close.

Really? We're doing the
Tantric thing every time?

Yeah, what'd you think?

I don't know, one on, one off?

You're so funny.

I'm gonna go floss.

(stomach rumbling)

Oh, shut up.

(smacking, slurping)

This was a good idea, Mom.

Right? I hardly ever get to see you,

and this dinner gives us a
chance to get to know Brad.

And also miss a crucial playoff game.

I told you to record it.

A game like that you need to watch live.

Am I right, Brad?

I wouldn't know, I don't watch sports.

Really? What, were you raised by women?

Yes.

Brad's more of an outdoorsy guy.

This morning, we took a nature walk,

picked up litter, and saw a fox.

Well, Brad saw it.

I was trying to spear
a condom with a stick.

I hope you don't mind that
we brought our own food.

I try not to be one of "those people"

who imposes their lifestyle on others.

You hear that? Brad doesn't impose

his lifestyle on others.

Is this about the towels again?

I told you, I like 'em folded in thirds.

You didn't tell me, you lectured me.

Well, that's 'cause when I said
it nicely, you laughed at me.

I thought you were kidding.

Speaking of towels,

Brad and I have been sharing one

to cut down on our water footprint.

I've also turned her
on to mindful flushing.

Yep. If it's yellow, let it mellow.

Or you could just cop a
squat at the neighbor's.

How many times do I
have to say I'm sorry?

These quinoa cakes came
out pretty good, huh?

Quinoa, quin-wow!

Christy, you sure you
don't want some ribs?

They do look good.

But I'm trying to
make healthier choices.

It's not just for our own sake.

You do know that the livestock industry
is destroying our planet.

No, Brad, I do not know that.

Why don't you tell
them about your podcast?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. It's called

"Giving Up with Brad Partridge."

So it's about assisted su1c1de?

No. This is assisted su1c1de.

Brad teaches that happiness
is not about getting stuff,

it's about giving stuff up.

See, our culture has it all wrong.

We spend our entire
lives accumulating things

when, really, we should
be giving them up.

Like a cabinet full of coffee mugs

you think chronicle your life?

Or a Ziploc Baggie full
of old hair extensions?

You said that was my drawer.
Why are you looking in my drawer?

Why are you looking at my mail?

- Maybe we should go...
- ... gonna be so freakin' weird...

ADAM: I'm not weird about things.

- I'm specific.
- Oh, please.

You're so a**l, your ass
is folded into thirds.

Aw, been nice knowing you.

You have no idea how happy I am
to be in bed with you.

Right back at you.

Mmm... this is the closest I've come

to an orgasm in weeks.

What did you see in that guy, anyway?

Come on, Mom, he stood for something.

He wanted to make the
world a better place and...

Oh, who am I kidding? He liked me.

Are you that desperate?

Yes, said the girl eating ribs

in bed with her mother.

Hey, can I get in on that?

Adam wouldn't let me eat in bed.

- Are you guys gonna be okay?
- Oh, yeah.

We love each other,

but three nights a week
is our magic number.

My magic number with Brad is minus nine,

considering how many
times I went to sleep

with a bag of frozen
peas between my legs.

Mmm.

They're the problem, right?

Absolutely.