04x22 - Lockjaw and a Liquid Diet

[bunniefuu]

♪ Happy birthday, dear Christy ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Keep coming back. ♪

What's that?

Jazz hands.

Those aren't jazz hands.

These are jazz hands.

Excuse me, I went to dance camp.

These are jazz hands.

- Can I blow out my candles now?
- Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Speech.

Yeah, speech. Say something.

Okay.

Thank you guys

Ugh. I really can't believe
I've been sober for four years.

I mean, think about it.

That's a long time to go without puking.

You did have a stomach flu.

Any puke that's not
flammable is a happy puke.

Anyway, I'm really grateful to be sober,

and I'm really grateful to
have friends who I love so much.

(clears throat)

Yeah, I see you there.

Christy, I'm so proud of you.

You've grown so much.

Thank you. You've been a big part of it.

Hey, everybody, I just want you to know,

dinner and dessert, it's all on me.

- Mom, you didn't have to do that.
- Aw, thanks, Bonnie.

About friggin' time.

Hey, I have grown, too.

I've got a good job, I'm
in a stable relationship,

when the doorbell rings, I
no longer hide in an air vent.

She's like a rat.

If her nose can get in, she can get in.

I'm sorry, your card got declined.

Quelle surprise.

Hold on, you've
obviously screwed this up.

How about you skedaddle back
and run it through again.

Actually, they told me to destroy it,

but I was being nice,
you ungrateful giraffe.

Well, clearly, I am the
victim of identity theft.

Oh, please. Whose life is
so sad they'd rather be you?

♪

Uh-huh. All right.

Well, that clears it up.

Thanks. You have a nice day, too.

Okay, I know why my card was declined.

Are we supposed to guess?

It's not a big deal.

Did you put cheese in these?

- Is she kidding?
- She's deflecting.

She does that when she's scared.

I'm not scared, you're scared.

Mmm. Tastes like Monterey Jack?

Tell us!

Fine. Apparently, the IRS
put a lien on my account.

- Oh, Mom.
- How much money do you owe?

Ten grand, give or take.

- What does that mean?
- .

- What?
- How does that happen?

We live here rent free 'cause
I'm the building manager.

Apparently, that counts as income.

- Oh God!
- Oh, relax. I've got no money.

They can't get blood out of a rock.

Yeah, but they can put the rock in jail.

No, they wouldn't do that to me.

I am a nice sober lady now.

I'm a card-carrying member of AARP.

Great. So you'll enjoy
the senior discount

at the prison commissary.

Okay, you guys are
kind of freaking me out.

You should be freaked out.

I don't want to go to jail again.

When I'm gay, I want
it to be on my terms.

How can you just sit there and
stuff your face with ice cream?

I wanted a snack before
I walk the Green Mile.

Look, Adam offered
to lend you the money.

Why don't you just take it?

No, 'cause we both
know what happens then.

Every time I sleep with him,
I'm trying to pay it off.

Who needs the lockjaw?

Really?

Now you decide to have standards?

You need a lawyer.

Yeah, but then they're
gonna send a bill,

and I'm down on my knees again.

(sighs)

I bet Steve would do it pro bono.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

It means "for free."

Oh. That's a thought.

I slept with him pro bono,
so he actually owes me.

(ringtone playing)

(Mexican music playing)

Hola.

Hey, Steve, it's Bonnie.

Hey, stranger, long time.

Yeah, haven't seen you in a while.

Where you been hiding out?

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm just making small talk.

Oh. Be careful with that.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's fine.

I, uh, lost a case and
the kid went to jail.

That's too bad.

No, he should be in jail.

He's a monster.

The bad part is that his
uncle is a Mexican drug lord,

kind of a vindictive guy,

so I thought it prudent
to leave the country.

Smart move. Where'd you go?

(whispers): Mexico.

I can't believe I slept with this guy.

So why'd you call?

Well, it's a little embarrassing,

but the truth is I butt-dialed you.

Oh, so a happy accident.

Hello to your butt.

Want to hear some irony?

Turns out, I'm allergic to pinto beans.

So, bottom line, I need
a good tax attorney.

Maybe somebody I can work a trade with.

You know, house-sit, paint the garage.

All I have is an adoption
attorney and a divorce attorney.

Oh, and a malpractice guy

for when I had to have
my boobs re-jiggered.

That's not gonna do it.

I have a patent attorney.

Yes, I invented something,

and no, I will not tell you what it is.

What about what's-his-name,
your half-brother?

Ray? I can't go to
him. I just met the guy.

I'm not gonna hit him up for a favor.

You were also kind of a d*ck to him.

Takes two to d*ck.

Not with my new invention.

Hey, why not have Christy represent you?

Oh, that's a good idea.
She's almost a lawyer.

What are you talking about?

I'm not even in law school yet.

I still have to take a gym class.

Your mom's not up for m*rder,
she just owes some money.

The IRS just wants to make a deal.

They don't try to put anybody in jail.

They put Wesley Snipes in jail.

Not helping, Wendy.

It's just that they robbed us

of so many action-packed movies.

You could do it.

What do you think?

Do you know anything about taxes?

I know you're supposed to pay them.

That's more than me. You're hired.

What do you think?

Can I plead insanity?

You can plead you're a magical elf,

you're still gonna owe them grand.

I don't think I can help you, Mom.

Hey, I did not raise
you to be a quitter.

The first half of that
sentence is correct.

- Christy, I brought you some coffee.
- Thanks.

Did you bring me one?

Give me a break, I only got one crotch.

Just to be clear, no matter
how late I stay up tonight,

I'm not gonna become a tax
lawyer by tomorrow morning.

Don't say that. I believe in you.

Yeah, well, who cares?

All right, I see what's happening here.

Someone needs a little positivity.

Maybe this will help.

(humming "Chariots of Fire")

Adam, make her stop.

(continues humming)

(humming drumbeat)

You know what?

This is actually kind of helping!

(both humming louder)

(exhales) This is the
unhappiest place I've ever been,

and I've waited in line
for eyeglasses at Costco.

Stop talking. You're making me nervous.

What are you nervous about?
Your neck isn't on the line.

Hey, I have to pretend to be a
lawyer, pretend we have a case

and pretend these stockings
aren't halfway up my ass.

Sorry to keep you, but
I'm on a liquid diet

and everything's coming out
basically how it went in.

If you're not feeling
well, we could reschedule.

That's okay, I've got ten minutes
till the bell rings again.

So which one of you is Ms. Plunkett?

Technically we both are,
but she's the defendant.

I'm Christy Plunkett, her
daughter and legal adviser.

Okay.

All right, I looked over
your file and it appears

you didn't declare income
for the last three years.

Can you explain that?

- Yes, we can.
- You don't have to stand.

Okay, but while I'm up...

We contend that this has
been a misunderstanding.

My mom, a.k.a. Bonnie Plunkett,

didn't know she was supposed
to report free rent as income.

Yeah, you see, this is my
first time managing a building.

I wasn't aware of how it
worked. You get that, right?

No.

So what did you do before
you managed a building?

(chuckles): Gosh, it's been so long.

I hardly remember what
I had for breakfast.

I had spinach juice.

All right, let's set
aside the last three years.

Great.

What is of more concern to the IRS is

the fact that you haven't
filed taxes since...

... .

- Christy?
- Yeah?

Represent me.

In light of this new information,

which the state should have
disclosed during discovery...

- This isn't a trial.
- Noted.

Nevertheless, I would like to ask for

an extension on this hearing.

It's not a hearing.

- Continuance?
- Nope.

Could we please come back later?

Works for me.
Just call for an appointment.

This is a gift from God. Run!

How on earth do you
years without

paying your taxes?

Like we say in the
program, one day at a time.

So what happens now?

Well, I got them to
give us another week.

Which means you've got
a lot of work to do.

No. I am not a lawyer.

I am a junior at a college

that's best known for Web design.

- It's time to call Ray.
- Absolutely not.

Oh, come on. I want to meet your big
sh*t half-black half-brother.

Calm down, he's gay.

You sure he's not half gay?

He's half everything else.

We're trying to keep my mom out of jail.

You can try and flip him later.

I told you I'm not calling him.

Why are you blaming Ray for
all the crap your mother did?

I have to blame someone.
Careful, you're on deck.

Bonnie, you worked so hard to let go
of your resentment towards your mother.

Can't you do the
same for your brother?

Well, that's a
little hard, Marjorie,

since I have no idea why I resent him.

Well, you better figure it out,

'cause we're meeting
him tomorrow at : .

- You already called him?
- I sure did.

Wow.

I don't ask much of you,
only what I give in return...

Honesty, respect, and
most importantly, trust.

(laughter)

What?

I do all those things!

I just don't brag about it.

(laughter continues)

I'm humble.

(laughter continues)

All right, screw all of you!

You believe this view?

I get why rich people look down on us.

It's 'cause they really do.

This is all pretentious crap.

Oh, look,

I can keep brandy in a crystal decanter

and drink moderately.

(sighs)

Someday I want to sit
in an office like this,

wearing a Chanel suit and a Prada bag,

all the while helping the poor.

If you plan on helping the poor,

that bag's gonna be a knock-off.

Hi, Ray.

Christy, good to see you.

Hi, Bonnie.

So, little trouble with the IRS, huh?

Yes, I screwed up,

but they didn't cover
tax law in the orphanage.

- You were never in an orphanage.
- It's poetic license.

You know what, maybe
we should talk about

the elephant in the room first.

The elephant being I was abandoned
by our mother and you were kept?

Bonnie, I get it. You got a raw deal.

But you do understand I
didn't know you existed

until three months ago?

I know that. It's just...

I mean, look what you've
done with your life,

and look at mine.

I mean, who is this, your boyfriend?

What is he, a model?

He's my husband. And yes.

Oh, come on.

Look, I'm sorry this has
been so painful for you.

But maybe there's a silver
lining in your tax problems.

We can use this to
get to know each other,

be... brother and sister.

How can you not like this guy?

I find ways not to like
you, and you're adorable.

Bonnie, let me help you.

No strings attached.

All right, but you owe me one.

Wait, why would I...

Never mind.

So clear this up for me.

What kind of a person doesn't
pay taxes for years?

Well, I like to think
of myself as a folk hero.

So the money you didn't
pay the government

you gave to the poor?

Well, speaking as a poor person, yes.

All right, I'll tell
you what we're gonna do.

We'll go to the IRS next week
and try to cut some kind of a deal.

See what happens when
you have a real lawyer?

Oh, don't be so humble.

- I'm gonna be using your notes.
- Really?

You did some nice work in here.

In fact, when I go back to the
IRS, why don't you come with me?

You don't have to do that.

I'm not doing you a
favor. You'd be a big help.

That's great. I'd love to join you guys.

Oh, she's not going.

I'm not?

Oh, God, no.

That's really the only mistake you made.

(sportscast playing over TV)

Seriously? You're
just gonna watch hockey

while my life hangs in the balance?

Kind of hard for me to pace, Bon.

I just want you to know if I go to jail,

you need to find someone else.
I don't want you to wait for me.

Okay.

Come on. You're not
even gonna lie to me?

It's a playoff game, Bon.
I'm not really listening.

- (phone chimes)
- Ooh, this could be Christy.

(sighs) Damn it, Jill.

No, I am not introducing
you to my half-gay brother.

I can't believe we won!

Well, technically, we didn't win.

We settled.

In my family, settling is winning.

I'm gonna call my mom and let her know.

Hold on. Lesson number one:
never tell the client

it took minutes to do a day's work.

They're called "billable
hours" for a reason.

So we're just supposed to
let her sit at home and sweat?

Think about it.

Oh, man, I can't wait to be a lawyer.

And you're gonna be a good one.

As a matter of fact, if you don't
get snatched up by a better firm,

maybe you could come intern for me.

I would love that.

Consider it done.

Don't most firms have
a policy about nepotism?

Christy...

look at us.

You're right, I think we're
gonna get away with it. (laughs)

And to all of you, for
never giving up on me,

from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Adam, my love.

My daughter, Christy.

My dear friends.

I couldn't have done
it without your support.

Does she think she won an award?

And thanks to my long-lost brother Ray,

the IRS is giving me ten
years to pay off my debt.

What a bunch of suckers.

Anyway, I'm glad we're
finally getting a chance

to know each other.

Yes, we are.

Uh...

Thank you, Bonnie.

I can't help thinking
that you and Christy

coming into my life...

maybe it wasn't a coincidence.

Maybe there's a reason for it.

Boy, this is hard to say,

but I guess you're probably
the best people to say it to.

I've gotten to a point where...

I'm snorting coke every day.

- Welcome to the family!
- We're here!

Come here, little brother.

- Yay!
- (excited chatter continues)

What are you still doing up?

Believe it or not,
reading more about tax law.

Why? I got away with it.

Well, I'm still interested.

Did you know the French
put a tax on salt, and

that's what led to the
French Revolution?

Wow, you really have given
up on men, haven't you?

- Can I tell you something?
- Sure.

I am so impressed with what you did.

- Ray did most of it.
- That's not true.

And that's not what I'm talking about.

You've been sober for four years now,

you're almost done with college,

on your way to becoming a lawyer.

I am so proud of you.

Wow, Mom, that means a lot.

Hey, I probably don't say this enough,

but you are an amazing
person, and I love you.

You have another legal
problem, don't you?

I might have slapped a meter maid,

but that doesn't take
away from anything I said.

It does a little, but thanks.