01x15 - Assisted Living

[bunniefuu]

I cannot believe the kids
are still asleep on a Sunday.

I know, this is nice.

Just the two of us.

Hmm.

It's romantic, even.

(both laugh)

What's that?

My hand... too early?

No, no, that's your parents' RV.

What?

I thought they were
driving around the country,

going 40 in the fast lane and wearing

giant sunglasses over
their regular glasses.

Well, my mom called me
from Santa Fe last week.

All she talked about was buying
salsa from a nice Mexican lady.

Why do they always have
to mention the ethnicity

of the people in their stories?

Because they're old white people.

That's what they do.

Oh, man, that's what I just did.

Oh, wait. Whoa, whoa,
where are you going?

- To welcome them.
- (muttering): Oh, oh, wait. Oh, oh.

Before you go out there,
I should probably mention

that I never told them
about you going back to work

and me watching the kids.

What? Well, why not?

I knew if I told them, I
would never hear the end of it.

Plus, I thought maybe by
the time they got back,

this whole thing with
you going back to work

would've blown over.

My dreams and aspirations

would've just blown over?

Yeah, things blow over.

Like the way you're feeling right now.

Blow it over!

(door opens)

- Oh, there they are!
- Mom, Dad,

- what a surprise.
- Hi, Joe.

Ah!

Mmm. Good to see you.

- Ooh! Ooh!
- Oh.

- (laughing)
- Look at you.

Hi, Bev. (laughing)

Oh, come on. You don't kiss
an Italian mama on the cheek.

- The lips... we want the lips.
- Oh, okay.

Ah, look at your wife.

She gets prettier every
day, like that actress.

Bev, what's her name? From the movies.

- Catherine Zeta Jones.
- No, the one with teeth.

They all have teeth.

Uh, Julia Roberts!

You look just like Julia Roberts.

Oh, come on. (scoffs)

You know, maybe a little.

And you.

Well, you're doing the best you can.

But you really punched above
your weight with this one.

So, uh, what are you guys
doing back in Pittsburgh?

It's just a pit stop on our way

to see the world's largest Hershey bar.

It's as big as a table.

- A small table.
- Yeah.

Or a large book, but we still
want to see it for some reason.

Oh, and Dad's back needed a rest.

- Those roads are full of potholes.
- Yeah.

Thanks, Obama.

Oh, by the way, your mailbox
jumped out in front of me

on the way in. It didn't make it.

Did you bring us any presents?

Of course we did. You got the bag, Bev.

Ooh, let's see.

For Teddy, take a look at this.

ADAM: Oh, I had

one of those, Teddy.
It's a switchblade comb.

Or just a switchblade.

Wow! Thanks!

Wow!

Thanks!

Yeah, a Kn*fe for my son

who cut himself on a Hula-Hoop.

And, Kate, how about some
genuine Kentucky fireworks?

(laughs)

- Whoa, these are bottle rockets!
- Mm.

It's about to get real, Teddy.

We haven't forgotten about you, Peanut.

- Oh!
- Bring him out, Bev.

Him?

Mm-hmm.

A turtle. Yay!

Yeah, that's an endangered tortoise

we found on the side of the road.

It was hard to get that
little electronic tag off it,

but luckily, we had Teddy's switchblade.

Okay, why don't you guys run upstairs,

and Mommy and I will

donate these to needy criminal children.

Your parents are a couple of squares!

Mom! Dad!

Oh, who is this handsome guy?

Is it Tom Selleck or my son?

It's me! It's Don!

(laughs)

Tom Selleck?

I've eaten Cheetos that
look more like Tom Selleck.

They think I look like Julia Roberts.

(groans)

Joe, Bev, so great that you're back!

Oh, well, don't worry.

We won't be expecting
to stay at your house.

We know you like your privacy.

Oh, Bev, that was almost 20 years ago.

Was it? Wow.

Seems like yesterday.

Joe, do you remember when
Marcy put us up in a hotel

instead of letting us stay with them?

- Like it was yesterday.
- See?

So how's the road trip going?

- Have a seat.
- Oh.

Culturally speaking, it's
been quite an education.

Yeah.

- We have seen some things.
- Oh.

We stopped at a gas station in Arizona.

- They got five different flavors of jerky.
- Hmm.

You just don't see that

- on the East Coast.
- No.

No. They even had teriyaki.

- Very exotic.
- Yeah.

You know, all jerky's
made in China now, right?

- Uh, no, I wasn't aware of that.
- BEV: Mm-hmm.

Yeah, they're just
rubbing it in our faces

with this teriyaki stuff.

So, what's new around here?

Oh, well, um, Adam's got some

fun news to tell you
about, right, honey?

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

- No, I don't. No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

- I will keep going.
- Oh. Fine.

Uh, yeah, uh, Andi has gone
back to work at the lab,

so I'm taking care of the
kids after school and stuff.

You're taking care of the kids?

Like a nanny?

(chuckles)

No, like a father.

If the father's a nanny.

(laughter)

You got the looks and the funny.

BEV: Well, why shouldn't

the man watch the kids
and the woman work?

I mean, I'm a woman,
and I'm many things.

A wife, a mother, a tender lover.

No. No. No, no. No.

I think what you two
are doing is very modern.

Andi, I'm proud of you.

Oh. Thanks, Bev.

You're like a daughter to me.

Oh.

My one daughter.

Come on, Bev. You've got two daughters.

Thank you, Joe.

I meant Adam now that
he's watching the kids.

You see what happens when
I tell him stuff, huh?!

Okay, honey, relax, okay?

I mean, in a few days, they'll
be off to see the world's

slightly-larger-than-average
chocolate bar.

- It'll be...
- (mutters)

Uh, we were talking.
We're thinking we might

stop our road trip.

Uh-oh.

To stay and help with the kids.

Yeah. We just want you
to have your dignity back.

But you guys sold your house.

You don't have any place to live.

We've got the RV.

We can live right in your driveway!

Our driveway!

Andi, they want to live in our driveway.

I heard them.

Yeah, we just have to
work out a few kinks

with the septic runoff,
and we'll be good to go.

Oh, Ma, this cannoli's great.

You keep feeding me like
this, I'm gonna get fat.

Oh, not you. You're skin and bone.

Oh. You're a good mother.

Now, what's different?

I had to use different lard.

The company I liked
went out of business.

Thanks, Obama.

Dad, he's not even president anymore.

He knows what he did.

So,

have you two thought about our offer?

Uh...

Oh, you know what?

We don't want to take advantage of you.

I mean, what about
the rest of your trip?

Seeing the country after
Joe retired was your dream.

Five months in that
box on wheels is plenty.

The shower is so small,

you can't even wash both sides of you.

You got to pick one...
the front or the back.

It's a real Sophie's Choice.

Yeah, but you guys got better things

to do than hang around here.

You should be out with your friends,

talking about the good old days

before the wheel was invented.

Hmm. Our friends are either dead,

or living in one of
those old folks homes.

We visited a few on our
swing through Florida.

Yeah, it's where you go to die.

One place we went... they sold
caskets right in the lobby.

Honey, I think those were planters.

People planters!

I liked that place.

One night in the dining hall,

I watched this Cuban
man eat a baked potato.

It was just fascinating.

Ma, why do you have to
say the guy was Cuban?

He was Cuban. It makes a good story.

I mean, if I just say
a man's eating a potato,

I got nothing, snoozefest.

So what do you say?

Are we living in your driveway or not?

Uh...

Yes, great. Please stay.

Oh, great! Hooray.

- Oh, it's gonna be wonderful!
- Oh, yes.

Adam and I are gonna be talking
about how wonderful this is

long, long into the night.

"Yes, great. Please stay."

What was I supposed to say,
honey? They're my parents.

And, you know, this could
actually be really great timing.

Don and I have that mini mall job.

We're a lot busier.
I could use the help.

Honey, you know I love your parents,

but they're just not the moral
compass I want for our kids.

I mean, those cannolis
were not Obama's fault.

Well, that stuff goes
right over the kids' heads.

Okay, can we at least
give it a trial run?

How bad could it be?

Well, I think the
Titanic was a trial run.

Come on. They know how to raise kids.

They raised me, and I'm fantastic.

Well, you're humble. I'll give you that.

Look, I will talk to them,

and make sure they do
everything the way I do.

Oh, the way we do. The way you do.

All right, fine. I'll
give you your trial run.

It's what Julia Roberts would do.

JOE: All right!

- Bye, Grandma.
- Oh, I love you so much.

- (overlapping chatter)
- All right, bye.

Bye-bye. Okay, listen.

Meet the kids here at 3:00 sharp,

and give 'em a snack, or
they turn into maniacs.

But not candy, or
they turn into maniacs.

And make 'em start on
their homework right away,

or they'll just run around like maniacs.

Basically, they're maniacs.

And I can't believe I have to say this,

but no weapons and no expl*sives.

Relax. We raised you, and
you turned out fantastic.

That's what I said!

All right, keep it
moving, Burns. Let's go.

Oh. Who are these youngsters?

ADAM: Oh, uh, my parents, Bev and Joe.

Mom, Dad, this is, uh, Emme's
teacher, Mrs. Rodriguez.

Ooh, Rodriguez!

Mom.

Are you from Mexico?

Actually, I'm from Philadelphia.

Oh, fascinating. Now, do
you eat baked potatoes?

Okay, okay! Okay, Emme,
why don't you show Grandma

and Grandpa your classroom, hmm?

Aw, yeah. He's gonna
apologize for us now.

He's gotten real uptight.

Must be all that cooking and cleaning.

A lot of housewives get like that.

Sorry.

For what? I'm Latina,
and they were being nice.

You've never once
asked me where I'm from.

Yes, but, to be fair, I don't care.

Mm-hmm. It's all coming
out now, isn't it, Burns?

That's right. Three
more months of school

and we never have to
see each other again.

More importantly, I never
have to see you again.

Believe it or not, I'm gonna miss you.

I don't get a lot of wins.
But with you, I always win.

(both chuckle)

What a fun classroom.

- Like a fiesta, right?
- (chuckles)

That's mostly your son's doing.

He's room mom this year.

Oh, for the love of God.

(laughs, mutters)

All right, let's go.

Adios!

Ma!

Hey.

Hey, cuties, we're home.

(dramatic music playing on TV)

What are you watching?

Extreme Autopsy.

They chop up dead bodies.

Grandpa Joe found it.

Here we go, he's getting the bone saw.

He won't need it. That body
was in the lake for weeks.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

ALL: Aw.

(scoffs) Is your homework done?

Grandma said we were
too cute to do homework.

And is that candy?

We're having candy dinner.

Why don't you ever give us candy dinner?

No. You know, as bad as
I thought this would be,

it's so much worse. And I was like,

"What if they do this or
that or the other thing."

And then they did all the things.

They did all the things, Adam.

Okay, okay, okay. I will handle this.

Mom? Dad?

It's just me.

Bev is resting her eyes, and
Joe's down at Dunkin' Donuts,

because it's his favorite bathroom.

What are you doing here?

I saw them at pick-up and they

couldn't remember how to get back.

Then your mom insisted

I eat some veal

to fatten me up.

She said

I couldn't leave until it's all gone.

I'm the veal now.

Italian mothers like to feed people.

They also like to kiss
on the mouth, Adam.

Well, kiss her back next time,

see what happens. I don't know.

Adam, this is not funny.

Look-look, don't worry,
these are just, you know,

day one growing pains.

There's no more juice boxes.

Thanks, Obama.

One day, one day your
parents watched our kids,

and they turned our little
girl into Bill O'Reilly.

What am I supposed to do, Andi,

go out to the RV, knock on the door,

and tell my own parents to leave?

That's a great idea. Do that.

Oh, okay. If you feel
so strongly about it,

why don't you go out there and do it.

Well, I can't do it. They like me.

I mean, you know, they love
you, but they really like me.

Look, I agree. We got
to get 'em out of here,

but I don't want to hurt their feelings.

I know. I just... (sighs)

I wish there was someplace
else they could go.

Hey, you know where
they've never stayed?

- Huh?
- Tom Selleck's house.

Nice.

That's right. It's not a
family until everybody suffers.

So I'm thinking we put
'em in your driveway.

Oh, no way.

Why would I want them here?

Uh, well, because your
invitation to Joe and Bev

will heal the awful breach

that you've been
struggling with for years.

Boom.

I don't want to heal the breach.

I have enjoyed 19
mother-in-law-free years.

It's like heaven, but you
don't have to be a good person.

ANDI: Okay, but I-I need them

out of our driveway, all right?

There's a septic hose in my rosebushes.

Okay, how about this, golden boy, huh?

I'll tell Mom and Dad that
you want them to stay here.

Then when they come over
here, you can tell 'em no

to their innocent, loving faces. Hmm?

They got us, baby.

No, no.

Relax, Big Daddy.

You know what?

Go ahead and bring them over here.

And I'll just tell them
that you came to us first,

'cause you don't want
them staying at your place.

Fine by me. Let's burn
this whole thing down!

Okay, okay, okay. Everybody just take...

just take it easy, all right?

I mean, there has to be a solution.

So, short of faking our
own deaths, what do we do?

Well, my parents live
in a retirement village,

and they love it.

- Oh, Dad hates those places.
- Well, yeah,

but what if we don't tell
him it's one of those places?

Yeah, we can just bring
'em there and-and tell 'em

it's a regular apartment
that you guys are looking at

because you're thinking of downsizing.

ADAM: Yeah. Yeah, and then by the time

Dad figures out where he is,

- he'll love it.
- You know,

that could really work.
Those places are fancy now.

Yeah. And Dad won't be hard
to trick. He still thinks

you voted for Obama "by accident."

ANDI: Wow, this is

- a nice apartment.
- Yeah.

And no sharp corners.

What a warm welcome from
that lady at the gate.

Yeah.

I think she was Vietnamese.

I'd love to watch her
eat a baked potato.

So, Andi, how about this place, huh?

Psh. Gosh, Don,

you and Marcy may call this downsizing,

but I-I call it upgradezing.

And no guest room. You'll like that.

JOE: I don't know.

There's something about this place.

Why are there ramps
everywhere instead of stairs?

Oh, uh, that's because ramps
are the stairs of the future.

Yeah, yeah. That's right.
I mean, in a few years,

you're only gonna see
stairs in a museum.

A-And not to walk on, just to look at.

Eventually, people will be born

without the ability to climb steps.

Nature has no stairs.

Mountains are nature's ramps to the sky.

Or steps, if you will.

That doesn't make any sense.

So, I read in the lobby that they have

bingo, musicals, comedy nights.

Oh, and there's a
restaurant that serves dinner

from 2:00 to 4:00 p.m.

I know that's when I like to eat.

BEV: That sounds fun.

Call me crazy but, Joe,

I-I'm thinking this place
could be good for us.

For you? Wow, Ma.

That never occurred to us.

JOE: Yeah, yeah, it's not bad.

Oh, here's a brochure.

Oh, no, no, no! Don't read
that! That's full of lies.

It's made in China.

"Here at the Oaks we welcome
all levels of clients.

"A Level... full independence.

"B Level... targeted support.

C Level... live-in staff."

And then

D Level.

What's D Level?

It's just a picture
of a tree in a field.

This is an old folks' home!

ALL: What?!

Why would Don and Marcy want
to live in an old folks' home?

Well, it's not for them... it's for us.

They used it as a trick
to get us out here.

They want us out of the house,

but they're just too chicken to tell us.

Well, that was not
very nice at all, Marcy.

Uh, which chair would you
like me to die in, huh?

This one or that one or this one, right?

That's the great thing
about this place...

there are so many options.

If you wanted us to go, you
should've just told us to go!

I didn't want to upset you. You know,

more than you are usually.

Look, it's hard to tell
you stuff, all right?

I told you Andi went back to work,

and you gave me a hard time.

Marcy was honest

and said she didn't want you
to stay with her 19 years ago,

and you're still mad at her.

That's not true. Well, it is true,

but I don't like the way you said it.

Okay, look, it's just...

you know, living in our driveway,

showing our kids autopsies,

stealing turtles

from the side of the road.

It's-it's a lot to take.

I'm fine with it. It's just Adam.

You got something to say, say it.

Yeah, Adam. Say it.

(chuckling): Oh...

Fine. Okay.

Here it is.

I love you, but you got to
find your own place to live.

Okay.

Wha...? That's it? Okay?

Yeah. We haven't really
enjoyed our time here anyway.

What?

You make too many rules.

We can't tell stories like we like

or watch the TV shows we like.

Or pick up a turtle

that technically
belongs to any American.

My taxes

have bought me at least
one stinkin' street turtle.

So we'll go.

And-and you're not mad?

Are you mad?

Not if you're not mad.

Just the usual mad.

Nobody could stay mad at our sweet boy.

He's so handsome, just like...

Oh. Who-who is it, Joe?

- Larry King?
- No.

No. The actor.

Don Rickles?

No, the actor. With the hair?

Oh, they all have hair.

Not Telly Savalas.

Oh, he was good.

Yul Brynner was a good bald guy, too.

Oh. If only the two of them
had been in a movie together.

JOE: You can't do that. From behind,

you can't tell who's talking.

Promise me I will never get like that.

- Oh, you're gonna be exactly like that.
- (groans)

But I will love it.

You know who won't love it? Our kids.

(chuckles) Yeah. We're
gonna get their kids

all kinds of crazy gifts.

Tasers, an iguana,

a wood chipper.

Hey, that reminds me,

what did you do with that turtle?

Oh, I dropped him off at the
zoo with a Post-it on its back

that said, "Thanks, Obama."

(chuckles)

Hey, Ma. What's going
on? You're packing up?

We found an apartment.

Your dad's inside

right now signing the
lease with the landlady.

That's great! Uh, I think
those are our towels.

You kick us out, I take towels.

That's worth it.

Hello, Burns.

What?

See? Look at his face. I told
you it'd be funny. (chuckles)

You're moving in with her?

She's renting us the
other half of her duplex.

(door opens)

Ma, why didn't you tell me

she was your new landlady?

You never like me to
describe anyone in my stories.