01x18 - The Blame Game

[bunniefuu]

Oh, no.

DON: What happened?

You finally get that picture
of me licking your toothbrush?

What? No, no.

Oh, forget I said anything.

We just got the tickets Andi ordered

for all of us to go to
Lord of the Dance.

(sighs)

Why did we agree to go to that?

Well, it was just easier to say yes.

Why ruin that day when
this day seemed so far away?

Well, I say treat those
tickets like a jury summons

and throw them in the trash.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, what did Mommy say about
playing ball in the house?

I don't know.

Well, what do you think she said?

Well, if you know, can you just tell us?

Emme?

No ball in the house.

That's right.

And that little girl
gets a butterscotch.

That's how you do that.

Hey, check it out.

Into the laundry basket from downtown.

- (vase shatters)
- Oh, no!

No, Andi got that from her grandma.

She's gonna k*ll me.

Here's what you do: you just
break everything in the room.

She won't know what
to get mad about first.

Quick, help me clean this
up before she gets home.

Hey, honey, how was your d...

What did you do to my vase?

Well, it-it was an accident.

An accident?

Adam, I got this from my grandmother.

It's irreplaceable.

I mean, technically,
I could buy it again,

but it wouldn't be from her!

Actually, it wasn't him, it was me.

Oh.

Well...

accidents happen.

Did you see that?

Something she would've been
upset about all afternoon

is just... over.

Thanks, man.

It's the least I could do.

I really put your
toothbrush through a lot.

Hey, w-what did you want?

Why did I have to rush over here?

It's your turn to take
the blame with Marcy.

For what?

MARCY: Don, what did
you do to the toilet?

Oh, no.

Of all the weird things you've done,

this has to be the weirdest.

Uh, it wasn't him, it was me.

Oh. Why would you have a
sandwich in the bathroom?

That is a great question.

Uh, I guess

it's because I'm a disgusting pig.

And why would you try to
flush it down the toilet?

He probably just wanted
to see if it would work.

Hard to believe that was me.

Okay. Well, just don't
eat in my bathroom anymore.

Oh.

Ugh.

Did you see that?

She just walked away.

Yeah.

Yeah, the blame thing worked again.

Even on Marcy.

This feels like a dream.

But it can't be because I'm not naked.

Oh, no, this is very real, my friend.

You know what we just did?

We just solved marriage!

I can't believe that just happened.

I feel giddy.

Yeah, it's nice to leave the
house without Marcy saying,

"Get out of the house."

You know what?

I think it worked because I
don't have baggage with Marcy

a-and you don't have baggage with Andi.

See, when our wives

get mad at us,

it isn't only about what we just did,

it's also about all the
screw-ups that came before.

That's heavy, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, when I mess up big-time,

Andi always brings up
the delivery room hot dog.

They had hot dogs in your delivery room?

You must have great insurance.

No, no, no.

- I never told you this story?
- Mm-mm.

When Andi was in labor
with Katie, right,

it was taking a long time.

And from the delivery room window,

I could see a hot dog
cart on the street.

Mm.

I was starving; I knew,
once that baby's born,

no hot dog for Adam.

So I said I had to go to the bathroom

and I ran down there, right?

Then my phone rings, it's the nurse,

"The baby's coming, the baby's coming."

And here's where I
make a terrible mistake.

I didn't throw away the hot dog.

(exhales)

You should've just flushed
that thing down the toilet.

And then Andi hands
Katie to me and says,

"Would you like to hold our daughter?"

And I say, "Sure, hold my hot dog."

That's the kind of
thing a wife hangs onto.

Yeah.

Yeah, I see what you're saying.

You know, Marcy still brings
up the time at our wedding

when they said, "Kiss the bride,"

and, for laughs, I turned
and kissed the priest.

Yeah, that was a swing and a miss.

Yeah.

But-but this blaming each other is like

a Get Out of Jail Free card.

(chuckles): I know. We
unlocked a great power here.

Yeah, yeah. But, hey, but we got
to use it wisely and sparingly.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, I'm not doing that.

Me neither.

Don, you ruined our guest
towels with your greasy hands!

Why are you always so careless?

Wait, honey, Adam did it.

Oh.

Adam, what happened to all the cookies

that I made for Emme's class?

And keep in mind, when
I ask that question,

I already know the answer.

Don ate them.

Oh.

I'm telling you, this
blame game is the best thing

that ever happened to us.

Yeah, it's good,

but don't you feel a little guilty?

Guilt is how I know I'm alive.

Hey, babe.

Check it out.

I got your favorite ice cream.

Oh, look,

Don's here.

Anything broken or eaten
or otherwise screwed up?

(chuckles) Not today.
He kept an eye on me.

But I better get out of here

before I screw something else up.

Don!

That's our ice cream.

Oh, sorry, there I go again.

Man, I do not envy Marcy. (scoffs)

You know, sometimes it
takes a Don in your life

to realize how lucky you
are with your own husband.

(nervous chuckle)

What's all this about?

I don't know, I just...

I feel bad for always accusing
you of things you didn't do.

So...

I wanted to apologize.

Oh, you don't have to apologize to me.

You really, really don't.

No, I do.

I mean, come on,

you're not a cookie
thief or a vase breaker.

That's not the man I married.

(chuckles): Yeah.

You know what I'm gonna do
for you because I'm sorry?

I am gonna give you a foot massage.

Oh, I-I don't think it has
to be an apology foot massage.

Can't you just

do it for the love of rubbing my feet?

Great husbands get
great things. Come on.

Uh, just out of curiosity,

what do bad husbands get?

Oh, you don't want to know.

Oh, hey, Lowell.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to give you these

all access passes to the
car show this weekend.

(Lowell chuckles)

Lowell, this is incredible!

I've never had all access to anything.

I don't even have all access to Marcy.

Don, we can't go to the car show;

it's the same day as
Lord of the Dance.

That is the saddest thing
I've ever said in my life.

Come on, we'll just find a
way to use the blame thing

to get out of Lord of the Dance.

Yeah, Don was telling me
what you guys have been up to.

It sounds, well, appalling.

ADAM: No, no,

you're right.

Last night, Andi gave me

a foot massage under false pretenses.

I had to "ooh" and "ah"
and pretend I was into it.

I faked it.

Look, there's no other way to
avoid getting our wives mad.

Well, I have a thought: you
could just not do the things

that make them mad.

(chuckles)

We're trying to have a
real conversation here

about real stuff, if you don't mind.

Look, maybe we should just
lay off the blame thing.

Oh, come on.

One more, for the car show.

One last big job, and
then we'll go straight.

I don't know.

I read in the paper
they got the Trans Am

from Smokey
and the Bandit.

You could take a picture next
to cardboard Burt Reynolds.

Well, I don't want to miss that.

Okay, all right, one last job.

Or you could do something
nice for your wives

and give up one
afternoon for their sake.

Lowell, I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.

MARCY: I can't believe

that the boys have to miss Lord
of the Dance this afternoon.

Why would Adam schedule
a meeting on a Saturday?

Where'd you hear that?

From Don.

Well, Adam said the
reason they couldn't go

is 'cause Don messed
up a client's floors

and they had to fix them.

That's what he told you?

Yeah, but why would
they blame each other?

Let me just ask you something.

Has Adam ever tried to flush
a sandwich down the toilet?

No.

What have they done?

DON: Okay.

We're all set for the car show.

I blamed you and I told Marcy

you scheduled a meeting
for this afternoon.

We're free, baby.

What?

I blamed you

and told Andi you
wrecked a client's floors.

They'll tell each other
and we'll get busted.

You think they'll talk?

I think they talked.

Wait, let's see how this plays out.

So, you two have just been

blaming each other to get out of stuff?

Well, how long has this been going on?

- Well...
- Oh, I got this.

What's the earliest one you know about?

MARCY: Don, I think we need

to finish this at home, 'cause
I can't use all my special words;

there's children upstairs.

Cheer up. We had a good run.

(door closes)

(chuckles) That guy, huh?

Sometimes it takes a Don in your
life to make you appreciate...

Nope.

Would you like a foot rub?

I would not, no.

Okay. Here's what it is.

Yes, we blamed each other,

but it's actually kind of your fault.

Okay, i-if this i-is your apology,

I'm gonna have to give it
a... (blows raspberries)

Look, when I screw something up,

you get madder at me than
you would at someone else,

because I'm also catching the heat

from the baggage of everything
I've ever done before.

This is seriously
what you're going with?

Yeah. Yeah, it makes sense.

Okay, when you thought
I broke that vase,

what popped into your head?

How careless you were.

Which made you think...?

How sometimes you don't stop and think

about how what you do affects me.

Which reminded you of...?

The delivery room hot dog.

Aha!

"Aha" what?

See, it always goes there

'cause it's always in
the back of your mind.

Okay.

I-I can kind of see that, I guess.

Right? I-It makes sense, right?

I have to admit that is pretty
perceptive and insightful.

And it can help us.

Okay, because now that
you're aware that you've been

hanging onto that dumb, old hot dog,

you can just let it go. Right?

You know what? No.

What?

You remember when I was
perceptive and insightful?

I was right over here.

Well, yeah, you figured it out,
but the baggage is still there.

I mean,

when they figured out gravity,

it didn't just stop affecting people.

I mean, we're not just all
floating around in space.

(chuckles): Okay, well,
it wouldn't go like that

- for starters.
- Oh.

- It wouldn't?
- (chuckles)

Oh, okay, I have a better example.

Let's just say there's
a jackass in front of me.

- Uh-huh.
- Okay?

- And I call him a jackass...
- Right.

- he doesn't just disappear, did you?
- (chuckles)

I think you just called me a jackass.

You snuck it in, but I heard it.

You let me give you a foot rub.

Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it.

Okay. Okay, you know what?

You go to your car show.

Okay? I am gonna go

to Lord of the Dance with Marcy.

You don't deserve to watch wild Irishmen

tap-dance their way into your heart!

Great. I will go to the car show.

And while I'm there,
I'll have a hot dog,

and I hope somebody has a baby

in front of me while I'm eating it.

Okay, so this is a car show.

What do we do?

We look at cars.

That's it?

You know what, guys,

I'm not having fun.

Oh, thank God, someone said it.

No, it's this thing with Andi.

I'm right, but I still feel bad.

Interesting.

Let's unpack those emotions.

And I'm out.

I think you're feeling
bad because even though

you were technically right,
you did lie to her, and also,

I don't think you were right.

But I am right.

A-And what about the baggage?

She has baggage.

That you gave to her.

You know what, I'm
gonna to go talk to Andi.

I can't believe after all this,

I'm still gonna end up
at Lord of the Dance.

I got to tell you, I'm not feeling great

about the boys getting out
of Lord of the Dance.

Well, they don't want to
go, what are you gonna do?

Make them do it. That's
what a marriage is.

No, this whole thing
with Adam, I just...

I don't like the way I feel right now.

And seeing all these miserable husbands

watching sports on their
phones reminds me of him.

Well, go talk to him. I'll be fine.

Maybe I'll sneak backstage

and see if I can towel
off a sweaty Irishman.

(whispering): Andi.

Andi, where are you?

MARCY (whispering): Adam.

- Over here.
- Oh.

(whispering): Excuse me. Yeah.

Hi. Excuse me.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me. Thank you. Hi, how are you?

Excuse me, excuse me.

Where's Andi?

She's on her way to the
car show to find you.

Shh!

Oh, do not shush me.

We have three long hours together.

You don't want to start like this.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Oh, boy.

Excuse me!

Has anyone seen a middle-aged
man in a flannel shirt?

Wow, I have got to take him shopping.

Hey.

Hey. How was the car show?

Bad.

I left early 'cause I went to find you.

You did?

I went to the car show to find you.

Yeah, I know. Marcy
told me at the theater.

Then the usher wouldn't let
me leave for, like, 20 minutes.

When I made a break for it,

the other husbands cheered for me.

Well, um, what did you want
to say to me at the theater?

Well, what did you want to
say to me at the car show?

Okay.

I guess I wanted to say that

I wasn't having any fun
without you and I missed you.

That's what I was gonna say!

But...

I felt the same way.

Aw. It still worked.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm
sorry I ate that hot dog.

That was a dumb thing to do.

It's just...

I was scared.

That delivery room, all those machines

and metal clanking and people
coming to life, it was like...

like Frankenstein's laboratory.

And then I looked out the window

and I saw an old, familiar
friend, the hot dog.

Yeah. It was
pretty hard-core in there.

(exhales)

I mean, I was on, like, six
different kinds of dr*gs,

but you had to see all that sober.

But you were awesome.

Hey, remember how mad
that delivery room nurse

got at you for eating in there?

Yeah. She remembered me when
we went back to have Teddy.

She called me Dr. Wiener.

Made me a name tag and everything.

I might've told her to do that.

(chuckles)

You know what, babe?

I'm thinking our baggage isn't baggage.

It's just... it's memories
of our life together.

Yeah.

I love our memories.

That day Katie was born was
one of the best days of my life.

Yeah, and afterwards,
those doctors sent us home

with a baby like we
knew what we were doing.

Well, we did, because
she turned out great.

And then Teddy.

Well, we bounced back with Emme.

Hey, I need a hot dog.

Want grilled onions?
Takes a little longer.

Well, I'm kind of in a
hurry, but, yeah, I want them.

(cell phone rings)

Hello?

It's happening?

Okay, I'll be right there.

Hey, how much longer on those onions?

A couple more minutes.

Well, take your time, get them right.