01x20 - Dirty Money

[bunniefuu]

- How'd it go at the bank?
- Not good.

This mini-mall job prep
is costing us a fortune.

The rental on the crane, the lumber.

Our account balance is so low,

they wouldn't even give me a lollipop.

But it's the biggest
job we've ever done.

We should be rolling in the dough.

I was gonna start hanging
out with Jimmy Buffett.

We don't get paid
until we start the job,

and the permits are taking
longer than they're supposed to.

We just... we can't
cover all these bills.

Well, then charge it to a credit card,

and then charge that
to another credit card.

Nobody pays for
anything in this country.

That's how we all have so much stuff.

I don't think you're getting
enough oxygen up there.

Okay, look, we're gonna have
to put our own personal money in

and float the company until we get paid.

All right, okay, I'll kick in my share.

If I want to have a real
relationship with Jimmy Buffett,

he's got to like me for me.

What's happening? Are you cleaning?

The pantry?

I have dreamed of this
day for so many years.

No, no, no, no,

we need to do a little
family belt-tightening

until this mini-mall job starts.

Look at all this food we never eat.

Why do we have five bags of rice?

Because you didn't
see the other five bags

that are still in there.

Look, don't get stressed, all right?

We'll just loan money to the company,

we've done it before.

Just let me know before you do it.

Don't worry, I will.
I did it this morning.

Okay, well, as long
as it wasn't all of it.

No, no, of course not.

It was all of it.

But I have to put
down the kids' deposits

for summer camp or we'll lose our spot.

What? They don't need camp.

Let them stare at a wall
and be bored all summer

like we were.

Huh? Made us strong and angry.

Camp's not for them; it's for us.

- What?
- Yeah.

Remember that week last summer

when Kate and Teddy were at camp

and Emme was at my parents?

No pants week.

Can't tell me you're
not gonna miss that.

Okay, all right, new strategy:

we're gonna prioritize
camp over everything else

around here, starting with the food.

No new food

until we eat everything in the house.

Daddy, can I have a snack?

Uh, you bet, yeah.

Uh, here, how about a half
gallon of fruit cocktail?

Yay!

- Why do we try so hard at Christmas?
- I...

So, your brother's
birthday is coming up,

and I'm gonna have
his party at our place.

Oh, uh, I think Marcy's
planning on hosting it.

Interesting.

I had no idea his wife was
plotting behind my back.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I didn't mean...

Thank you for being on my team.

I'm not on anybody's team.

I don't, I don't even know
what game we're playing.

All right, Mom, Dad.

Dig in, huh?

Hot dogs and rice... where's the bun?

Well, just roll it around in the rice.

It'll make its own bun.

Looks like it's giving me the finger.

We're just doing a
little belt-tightening

since Adam's between jobs.

Yeah... what, no, I'm not between jobs.

I just finished one job and
I'm about to start another.

So between jobs.

In front of jobs.

Boom and bust... that's
what I warned you about

when you started that business.

There's no bust.

There's boom, space, boom.

And right now we're in the space.

You know, I think this meal
has a real international flair.

This must be what they eat
at Chinese baseball games.

I'll tell you what,

you need money, I'll loan you the money.

What do you say?

- No, thank you.
- Yes, please.

Well, which is it?

- No, thank you.
- Yes, please.

Andi, uh, can I talk to you in the...

pantry, please?

Absolutely.

They want to argue privately.

Yeah, he doesn't want
us to hear her win.

Mm.

- What are you doing out there?
- Well...

Look, I know your relationship
with your Dad is complex,

but that's not gonna change.

But if we take this loan,

what can change...

is that we'll have hot dog buns, huh?

And the kids can go to camp,

and you won't have to
wash your pants for a week

'cause you won't be wearing any.

Oh! No, no, no, no.

Borrowing money from
family is a bad idea.

It brings out the worst in people.

Technically, you borrowed
money from me today.

And it's bringing out the worst in you.

You will thank me later, all right?

This is the right move.

Are those hot dog buns?

Shh!

There's only two left.

- I'm saving them for us.
- Aw.

Hey, Bev,

they found hot dog buns.

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com

Dad?

Pretty fancy digs you got here.

Is this an office or a Ramada Inn?

Fancy?

It's a trailer we bought
at a police auction.

Someone may or may
not have d*ed in here.

So, uh, what brings you around?

Well, I wanted to get a look
at how you're running things

now that I've invested
money in the company.

No, no, no.

You did not invest in the company.

You loaned the money to me personally.

What's the big deal?

I mean, Don seemed happy to see me.

Yes, I did and yes, I am.

You should listen to Dad;
he's got some great ideas.

You know, he didn't need
to borrow money from me.

Well, I have more expenses than he does.

He only had one kid; you had three

because you can't control your urges.

- I'm controlling my urges right now.
- Mm-hmm.

Ah, what's this?

Oh, that's a lumber invoice
for the mini-mall project.

That's a lot of wood...
have you counted it?

What? Nobody counts the wood, Dad.

It'd take forever.

This place'd just be called
Burns Brothers Wood Counting.

I'll do it.

This is why I got to
keep an eye on this place.

And I'm happy to have you, Pop.

This is a nightmare, you
got to get rid of him.

Why didn't you say that
while he was in here?

That's not my role in the
family; it's you versus us,

and right now you've got to stop us.

I don't know if either
of you are concerned,

but your dad is outside
yelling at a pile of wood.

According to my mother, that's
how the wood knows he cares.

Uh, can you give this receipt to Marcy?

I'm doing a charity drive and
she was kind enough to donate

your old laptop to the library.

Did you say my old laptop?

My personal, private laptop?

Ruh-roh.

How did she find it?

I hid it in my sock drawer.

That's where he used to
hide his girlie magazines

when we were kids.

You know, you're taller,
but you're still a pervert.

Don, they'll erase the laptop

before they share it with the public.

No, no, they can't do that.
I got personal stuff on there.

I need it back.

I'm not sure I can get it back.

This is gonna be so embarrassing.

You know what? This day
did not start out great,

but you have really
turned it around for me.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Check it out.

A full bag of hot dog buns.

We're back, baby.

I am feeling very right about this loan.

Oh, yeah?

I had to work here this afternoon.

Dad came to the office

and was sticking his nose in everything.

Look, I know you that you
want me to be outraged,

but I just paid the kids'
summer camp deposits,

so I'm thinking that
your short-term pain

is worth our long-term gain.

A-boop.

Oh.

Your credit card bill is ridiculous.

Oh, great, now he's here and
he's going through our mail.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure
that's a federal offense.

I'm a veteran; federal
laws don't apply to me.

50 bucks a month for the gym?

Do you use it?

Uh, well, not in a while.

I was gonna go last week,
but I guess they moved

because now it's an Outback Steakhouse.

- So I just did that.
- Ah.

You are wasting 600 bucks a year.

Are you hearing this?

Well, he's got a point.

I mean, the gym is a luxury
you don't need right now.

I mean, you already hooked me.
Who are you trying to impress?

And look at this.

"Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks."

Five bucks a day for coffee

when you can make it here for free.

Oh, actually those charges
are mine, you can skip those.

Yeah, Dad, if you add all that
coffee money up, what's that?

- Almost $2,000 a year.
- Ah.

$2,000 a year on coffee.

Hmm.

Wait, $2,000 a year on coffee?!

I need to put you two on a budget.

I'm gonna take all your bills

and we'll go through everything tomorrow

when you come to the house.

Party time is over.

But I don't want party time to be over.

Yeah. How are you feeling about
that short-term pain now, huh?

Boop.

How dare your dad go after my lattes.

I mean, they are the first thing

I think about when I
wake up in the morning

and the last thing I think about
when I go to sleep at night.

Thanks, honey.

- Adam, he has to be stopped.
- I know.

He's trying to cancel
my Outback membership.

You know, we always agreed

we'd never fight about money.

That said, this is all your fault.

You should have never taken
that money from my dad.

You are 100% right.

Boy, I like hearing
that in the bathroom,

it's got a nice echo.

I mean, he wants to look
at all of our money stuff.

- That's not happening.
- No, it's not.

Okay, we have got to
draw a line in the sand.

We're gonna go over there and tell
him to stay out of our business.

- Yeah, you are.
- N-no, I said "we."

And I said "you."

No, no, we'll do it together, all right?

And then afterward,
we're gonna stop by my gym

and have some cheese fries and a beer.

- Hey.
- Hey, everybody.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Should we talk to your dad now?
- No, no, no, no.

Let's soften him up first.

Hey, kids, go give Grandpa kisses

and put him in a good mood.

Like Mom tells us to do to
you when she wants something?

- What?
- Nothing. Go, go.

Go, go. Kids.

Okay, since we're all here now,

let's settle this Don
birthday controversy.

It's not a controversy.

We can't even agree on what to call it.

Look, since you two can't decide
who should have Don's party,

maybe you should consider
a neutral location,

like Chuck E. Cheese.

Well, that sounds fun.
Good food, great music.

Uh, I just think I should host it.

I mean, after all, I was
there for Don's real birthday.

Oh. It was like pushing out a buffalo.

Yeah.

He was too big for the baby scale,

so they had to take him to a supermarket

and weigh him like a watermelon.

Well, and, and because of that, Adam,

don't you think I should host the party?

Just let Marcy have it.

Yeah, you pushed out the buffalo,

but she has to live with it.

Okay. Let's have it at Marcy's.

I'm not a sore loser.

I'll even come over early

and give you a hand with the cooking.

So everything's not so salty.

Hey, Lowell. Do they still have it?

Sounds good, be right there.

What was that about?

Wrong number. And completely unrelated,

I got to go.

All right, you two.

Let's get started with these bills.

Uh, actually, we need to
talk to you about that.

Yeah, uh...

first of all, Dad,
thank you for the loan,

but we think we can
handle our own finances.

We may decide to cut
back on the coffees...

- Nope.
- ... or keep it the same,

but it'll be our decision.

What a surprise, you don't want my help.

Well, you wouldn't take my
advice when you started out.

Why would you take it now?

Dad, that's got nothing to do with this.

You know, when Adam got out of
school, I pulled some strings

and got him a job fixing trucks
for the city, just like me.

Steady paycheck, benefits, a pension.

But no, he was too good to fix trucks.

Oh, h-hang on, Joe, that's not fair.

I never said I was
too good to fix trucks.

You didn't have to say it.

What is your problem with me?

You have poor judgment.

But it makes sense.

After Donny paved the way,

you dropped out of your
mother right onto your head.

I never knew that!

That's why I have that flat
spot... I can't talk to him.

All I know is, we were
all getting along fine

until we agreed to have
Don's party at Marcy's.

There's the computers.
I'll just go grab mine.

No, I don't think this is a good idea.

The librarian's not even here.

What are you doing?

Now she's here.

Put it down or I'll call the cops.

But it was donated
by mistake. It's mine.

Well, why should I believe you?

Because you're beautiful.

Oh, what? You...

Hey... no, no, that is not good enough.

If that is really your computer,
you're gonna have to prove it.

Fine.

I didn't want to have to do this.

There's some very private
videos in here with me in them.

Oh, no.

It's not what you think.

It's just me by myself.

No, no.

Now, be gentle.

It's a bad angle, so I don't look great.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hello, Madison Square Garden!

It's me, Don!

Great to be here.

I was just in Japan,
I'm huge over there.

I mean, literally. Much taller
than the average Japanese man.

Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa!

Someone's getting a
little frisky over there.

I'm talking to you, Glenn Close.

In a way, that was almost
worse than what I was expecting.

I'm sorry you had to see
that. The lighting was bad.

I kind of dug it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Are you, by any chance, a single fella?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey,

this book's already been checked out.

But it's always nice to meet a fan.

We can't wait for that mini-mall check.

We are paying him back now.

Okay, well...

there's that treasure
map in Emme's pirate game.

Maybe that leads somewhere.

All right, look, I know we
agreed to never touch it,

but how's our emergency rainy day fund?

Uh, it's not looking good.

You remember, the washer went out,

and then the dryer
went out a week later,

like a sweet old couple?

There's got to be some
way to pay my dad back.

I don't think paying the money back

is gonna solve the
problem between you two.

Oh, hi, Bev.

Hi, Andi.

Adam, I don't like what happened
between you and your father.

Ma, you don't have to apologize for him.

But you came all this way, so go ahead.

No. I'm not gonna apologize for him.

You're the one who should apologize.

What? Ma.

Why do you think he was
snooping around your office

and going through your bills?

He says it's because he's a veteran

and it's his legal right.

Adam.

Is it so hard to understand

that an old man wants to feel necessary

and looked up to by his son?

Well if that's how he feels,
he should just say that.

Well, hold on. You're not that great

at talking about your feelings.

It's very unfair of you
to bring up a good point

like that right now.

All he wants is to feel needed.

That's why he wanted to get
you that job 30 years ago,

and that's why he's sticking
his nose in your business now.

And all Adam wants is for
his dad to be proud of him

and, and trust him to
do things on his own.

Aw, they both want
things they can't ask for.

It's like a Meg Ryan movie.

But they're both Meg Ryan.

Eh... look, I didn't know. I'm sorry.

You should be. You've,
you've upset your father...

and you've upset me very, very much.

All right, all right. I'll figure
out a way to make it up to him.

And, Ma, I wish there
was something I could do

to make it up to you, too.

Well...

there is one thing.

Uh, Marcy, uh...

we talked about it, and Andi and I think

that Don's birthday should be
at Mom's house and not yours.

What's the... We agree

that the, uh, best person
to throw a birthday party

for a married, adult man is his mother.

Oh, Adam, Andi, this is out of nowhere.

Is there anything else?

We just thought it was
important to tell you

because your cooking is too, too salty.

What does she have on you?

So much.

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ To you. ♪

All right!

I don't want to say this
is the best party ever,

but I wouldn't mind if
somebody else said it.

It was lovely, Bev.

And since you hosted Don's birthday,

it's only fair that I host Christmas.

Everybody heard it, I win.

Marcy with the left hook out of nowhere.

Dad, you want a piece of cake?

I'm fine.

Well, I did everything I could.

No, you, you offered him cake.

Y-You need to offer him love.

What?

I say walk over and give him a big hug.

Ooh, that's good.

No, it's not.

Last time I had my arms around him,

he was choking on a meatball.

You know what? I know what to do.

Hey, Dad, um...

you know that, that old motorcycle

that Don and I are
putting back together?

Well, I'm having a problem with
the float bowl on the carburetor.

Think you could take a look at
it? It'd really be a big help.

Oh?

Well, yeah, yeah, sure.

I-I can do that.

But you don't need me.

Well, sure I do.

Oh, you're really great at that stuff.

Yeah. Well...

Thanks.

Say you learned it from him.

- Would you mind? We're doing it.
- Okay.

Uh, uh, so, uh, so Saturday, then?

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

Yeah, me, too.

Are they saying that you should hug me?

Yeah.

We can't do it. We give them one,

they'll want it all the time.

You know, the other
day, I was forced to face

one of my biggest fears.

Sharing my gift with the world.

And I realized, after I made

a librarian fall in love with me...

What's that now?

That...

it would just be selfish

for me to keep what I have hidden.

So sit back and relax.

Something tells me we're
gonna be a lot closer

after this three-hour journey.

What, not even a foot tap? Nothing?

Your brother's playing! Tap your foot!