03x11 - Cabin Fever

[bunniefuu]

So, Dad, you wanted to talk
about our annual trip

to the cabin? That's right.

I've been organizing it
for 15 years,

but now it's time
for me to step aside

and pick one of my boys
to be the new trip captain.

Donny...

Of course. I knew he'd pick me.

...congratulate your brother.

What? I'm the new captain?

And I get the hat?

We should take a picture.
Me, happy. Don, mad.

I'm the oldest.
I should get it.

Yeah, exactly. In the picture,
you should look just like that.

JOE:
Donny,

I'm not saying
he'll be better at it,

but he'll be better at it.

Prove me right, boy.

Oh, Dad, I am honored.

I won't let you down. This will
be the best trip we ever had.

This is unfair. I'd like
to lodge a complaint.

All complaints should be filed
with the trip captain.

Adam...

Complaint denied. Next?

Welcome to the first meeting
of the first annual

"Adam Burns being in charge
of the 15th annual guys' trip."

Confusing name for a meeting.
I should be captain.

I've already put
a lot of thought into this,

and I think you'll be impressed.

I'd like to introduce

my secret w*apon,
the thing that will take

our cabin trip
to the next level.

This year,
I've invited Lowell.

Hey, cabin buddies.

How's he know
our secret greeting?

I-I know it's usually just us,

but, Dad,
he's a great cook,

and I know you like
a nice, hot meal.

Plus, he's already agreed
to read Lonesome Doveto you

while you fall asleep.

We're not accepting
new members.

I've brought you
a sample of my cooking.

Six different sausages.

He's in.

Yes.

I'm impressed. You're off
to a good start, son.

Hear that, Don?
I'm off to a good start.

Is your head getting cold
without a hat on it?

I always hoped
you guys would invite me.

I can't believe I'm finally in.

Now, it's not all
fun and games, Lowell.

There are a couple of rules.
Dad?

Number one:
if there's a bear att*ck,

we escape by seniority,
so you're last man out.

Try and put up a fight

so we have time
to get to the truck.

And number two: no wives.

This is a chance
for us men to bond.Mm.

To tell stories. To dig a hole

and try and get Don
to fall into it.

It's a very special time.

Well, I don't have to worry
about telling my wife

because I'm single now;
and if your wives ask,

I'll just say, "Sorry, ladies.
This is a guys' trip."

No, no, no. You can never
call it a guys' trip.

He's out. It's too risky.

Calm down.
He just doesn't know the system.

Okay?[exhales]

If we call it
a guys' trip,

our wives will want to go.

They can't help it.

It's a reflex,
like spitting out light beer.

We have to execute
perfect wife management.

Also known as lying.

Donny boils it down nicely.

Not a guys' trip, got it.

I'll just tell your wives
it's a regular trip

that sounds like a lot of fun.

Oh, you also can't call it fun.

They don't like the idea
of us having fun.

That's what
a wedding is,

the guy promising
never to have fun again.

ADAM:
So we tell our wives

how boring it is.
I tell Andi all we do is fish.

And then I made up a story

about how I have to put
sunscreen on Don's back

because he only fishes topless.

I'm disgusting.

And then
to seal the deal,

I tell Andi, "You're
more than welcome to come.

It's not like
it's a guys' trip."

But I've made it sound so
boring, she doesn't want to go.

Then she feels sorry for me
and makes me lasagna.

Wife management.

I'm learning a lot.

Maybe I'd still be married
if I just lied to my wife more.

Well, now you'll be ready
for lucky lady number two.

Or number one,
as far as she'll know.

Hey, have you seen my extra
camouflage sleeping bag?

How could I? [chuckles]

[laughs]: Yeah.
I need it for Lowell.

Lowell's going
on the cabin trip?

Mm-hmm. That sounds fun.

No, not... no, not fun.

Boring. Remember how boring
I tell you it is?

The fishing,
the-the topless Don.

It's not.

But like I say every year,
you're always welcome to come.

Okay. I'll go.

You'll what?

Yeah, I mean, if Lowell's going,
maybe it won't be so boring.

I mean, he likes
board games and hikes

and songs around the piano.

[chuckles]:
There's no piano.

Plus, you can't
sing in the woods.

It confuses the birds.

Aw, you're sweet,
but I know you want me there

because you always say
I'm welcome to come.

Plus, you said
it's always so boring,

and what could be more fun
than adding me?

I did say all those things.

Look at you.

Listening to what I say

and then bringing it
up later. [chuckles]

Oh, every day's
a surprise.

♪

Andi's going? What
happened to your system?

We had to hear you gas on
about it for half an hour,

and then you blew it.

Now all our wives
are gonna want to go.

Can I take over now?
Where's the hat?

No, no, no.

This is my first year
as captain.

There were bound to be
some bumps.

This is just
a small wife management issue.

Okay? When I told her
Lowell was going,

she said it sounded fun.

Who said "fun"?
You said "fun"?

I didn't say "fun."Somebody said "fun," and
somebody's gonna pay for it.

I didn't say "fun."
I just said "Lowell."

Well, then,
there's an easy solution.

Uninvite Lowell.

Sorry, kid,
but I barely know you.

No!

You screwed this up,
you fix it, mister.

I'm going on this trip.
I already went out

and got all the sh*ts
Don told me I needed.

What sh*ts?

Why invite the new guy

if you can't goof around
a little?

Well, you need to turn
this thing around and fast.

How?

Well, boring's
not gonna work anymore

because Andi knows
I'm a delight.

Fun follows me
like a rainbow follows rain.

Just uninvite Andi.

I can't do that.
I want to stay married.

Well, then, our only choice
is to call the whole thing off.

What?

I don't want to be the guy
that k*lled the trip.

Captain Trip k*ller seems upset.

What? I can fix this, okay?
I-I'll figure out a way

to convince Andi
she doesn't want to go.

Well, then,
you better get to her

before she blabs to our wives.

Then they'llwant to go.

You heard him. Quit talking
about it and go do it.

If this thing goes south,
it's on you, buddy boy.

Hey, stretch, get me a drink.

I'm starting
to like you.

Adam, you're back to last man
out if there's a bear att*ck.

Bears.

That's it. Andi hates bears.
I can use that.

Andi, I was so excited
you're coming on the trip,

I got you some
essential supplies.

First thing you will need
for sure: bear spray.

Bear spray?

Oh, yeah,
there's bears everywhere.

You just got to hope
you run out of bears

before you run out of spray.
[growls, chuckles]

Yeah, but I hate bears.

I didn't know that.[scoffs]

Okay, here's a tip.

If they chase you,
run into the lake.

Then all you have to worry
about are the leeches.

I hate leeches, too.

Man, I am learning
so much about you.

You know, you never mentioned
any of this.

All you ever said
was it was boring.

Well, there are
long periods of boredom,

but they're interrupted
by moments of pure terror!

I can't wait to
share that with you.[sighs]

Well, you know, honey, the trip
doesn't have to be like this.

I went to the lake website
to check the weather,

and, um, it turns out
that there is a nice hotel

with a piano in the lobby
for sing-alongs. [chuckles]

[gasps]

I'm gonna order the sheet music

for Legally Blonde:
The Musical.[chuckles]

So, it's official.

You're going. Fantastic.

[chuckles]

Uh, but I definitely think

we shouldn't tell
my mom and Marcy

because I have a feeling
they'd hate it.

You can trust me.
I'm a captain.

Oh.

Well, that could be a problem.

If you're going,
I'm going.

I'm going, too.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

[chuckles]: Yeah.

I wonder if the guys know
their wives are going yet.

Yeah. I mean,
Marcy and Bev were so excited,

they ran right home
to tell them.

Oh.

Huh. Yep.

Ten missed calls. [chuckles]Oh.

What the hell did you do?

Marcy already packed
a suitcase full of board games.

They're gonna
Pictionary us to death.

All of a sudden, being divorced
is working in my favor.

Who's crying now?

Well, still me,
but only in the shower.

This whole thing
has gone catawampus.

I guess you were right.
We just have to cancel.

[sighs]Too late. If we cancel now,

the wives will know
it's because they're going.

Then it's official.

Adam ruined everything,
forever and ever.

What do you want me to do, huh?

Walk into the lake
and let the leeches take me?

Or should I dunk myself in honey

and let the bears
have their way with me?

There's a lot of ways
you can do it.

Don't just think of two.

I was hoping someone would say,
"Don't feel bad."

Even if you said it now
would help.

Wait, I have an idea. Let's hear it.

The only way
to salvage this thing

is to uninvite all the wives.

Then we each blame it
on the other two guys.

You can deliver the hat
to my house later.

That won't work.
They talk to each other.

They'll realize
we were just lying.

No, they won't bring it up
'cause they'll feel bad

the other ladies' husbands
are so rotten.

I get it. Like,
if Marcy thinks

Andi and Bev have
rotten husbands,

she won't bring it
up unless they do.

But they won't bring it up
because each of them thinks

the other two have
rotten husbands.

What they don't know
is we're all rotten.

Damn, that's good.

What? That'll never work.

You don't see it because
this is a whole new level

of wife management.

You're playing checkers
while Donny is playing chess.

[scoffs]
I don't think so.

I've played chess with Don.

He makes clip-clop noises
when he moves the horse.

Look, we've got a plan.

Are you in or
are you out?

Well, if you guys are gonna
uninvite Mom and Marcy,

then I guess
I'll uninvite Andi.

Good. Now tell your brother
thanks for saving the trip.

Dad says I say,
"Thanks for saving the trip."

Adam.

I said it. What'd I say?

Hey, look at you.
[chuckles]: Hoo-hoo!

Someone fell asleep
in the foxy machine.

I got you something.

What's the occasion?

No occasion. Open it.

[chuckles]:
Oh.

[gasps]

Oh, my gosh,
it's beautiful.

I know. Yeah.
Read the card.

[chuckles]

"Roses are red,
violets are blue.

You can't come
to the cabin."

"And I love you."

You-you stopped
before the rhyme.

That's what makes it sweet.

I can't believe you just
uninvited me from your trip.

Okay, look,
I wanted you to go,

but Dad and Don said,
"No wives on the trip."

So, if you want
to blame someone, blame them.

I was outvoted.

Democracy. [scoffs]
Good on paper.

So it's your dad
and Don's fault?

Yes. That is
the most important point here.

They're bad.

I buy you bracelets.

Well, I guess I
can't be mad at you

because they're
jackasses.

No, you can't.

Poor Marcy and Bev.

I know.

You, uh...

You're not gonna say anything
to them, are you?

How could I? I
feel bad for them.

You know, you're so
understanding about this,

[chuckles]: you don't
even need the bracelet.

So I could probably
get my money back.

You keep it. Keep it!
You keep it.

Don. [chuckles]

I got to give it to you.
Your idea worked.

So, here. You're the
captain now. [chuckles]

Wow. This means a lot.

You guys put a lot of stock in
a hat I got for free one night

after I finished
a three-pound lobster.

Hey.

So how'd it go when you guys
uninvited Mom and Marcy?

Check out the coats we
got for the cabin trip.

BEV:
Oh, we can't wait.

We are all gonna
have so much fun.

[laughs]

[laughs]
Are you kidding me?!

I-I don't know if this is
gonna make a difference,

but we didn't do that
thing we said before.Mm.

That makes a huge difference!

Dad, we agreed at the meeting.
What happened?

Don called a meeting
after the meeting

and said we'd look better
if you were the only bad one.

Well... I think it worked.

Okay, you know what?

I don't want anything
to do with this trip.

You two go to the woods and
have your secret meetings, okay?

Just remember, I'm the only guy
that ever brings toilet paper!

Oh, and you know what?

I'm telling Andi everything!

Everything!

[door closes]

Damn it, Donny!
Now we're screwed!

You said this would be funny.
It wasn't funny at all!

Well, I guess everyone's sense
of humor is a little different.

Wha...?

Hold on. You've been lying about
this cabin trip for 15 years?

Well, not entirely.

There is a cabin.

But if you wanted it
to be a guys' trip,

why didn't you
just tell me?

Because I know
if you hear "guys' trip,"

you'll feel left out,

and I try to handle it nicely
every year so nobody gets upset.

I call it "wife management."

[laughs]
Oh, you do, do you?

Yeah.[both laugh]

Yeah, I don't
like that phrase.Yeah. No, no, no, no.

"Wife management."
[scoffs]

Although,
it does sound familiar.

Where have I heard that?

I'm glad we're going,
but I'm just not sure

about staying in
some dirty old cabin.

Oh, no, no, no.
Don't worry about that.

I already found a great hotel.

Oh.I'll just tell Adam

that I was looking
at the weather up there,

and I just happened
to find it.

That's called
"husband management."

No, never heard
anything like it.

But, you know, 'cause
I'm so forgiving,

I won't make a big
deal out of it.

Thanks, honey.

Yeah, but I got to say,
you told a lot of lies.

It was the pressure
of being captain.

You know how it is
with Dad.

I'm always playing
second fiddle to Don.

But for the first time,
Dad picked me,

and I screwed it all up.

I was so busy
trying to save it,

I put the trip ahead of you,
and I'm sorry.

I understand.
Thank you.

Your jackassery.

Yeah. Came around
from behind on that one.

[chuckles]:
Yeah. Yeah.

But, you know, it doesn't matter
anymore. I'm not going.

Dad and Don are buddies, and
I should just stop chasing this.

What are you doing here?

We have something to say.

Don, apologize
to your brother.

[sighs]
Dad says I'm sorry.

No. You're sorry,
and I'm sorry.

Now give him
the damn hat.

Sorry I screwed you over.

It was funny at the time,
then funny right after,

then Dad said
it wasn't funny.

Then driving over here,
it got funny again.

But now I feel bad.

This whole thing was my fault.

I always liked to foster
competition between you boys,

because I thought
it'd make you stronger,

but in the end, you need to know
you can depend on your family,

and we let you down.

Wow. Thanks, Dad.

Plus, I know deep in my heart,

you're the one who's gonna visit
me in the home, and not Donny.

You got me there, Pop.
Those places smell weird.

And just to make
everything fair,

we told our wives
everything, too.

How'd that go?

Bad.
Thanks for asking.

The trip is dead.

Here, you should
have this.

You'll always be
the captain.

All right, come on.
I'll fix it.

[chuckling]

What are you
laughing at?

Sorry. It just
got funny again.Oh.

[chuckling]

Oh, look.

Our lying husbands are here.

Oh. And they brought

Captain Pants On Fire with them.

How could you, Adam? How could I?

Yes. All this happened
on your watch,

so I'm gonna ask you
the same question I asked you

in the sixth grade when I walked
in on you with that magazine.

Is this who you want to be?

Okay, Mom,

I don't think everybody needs
to hear that story. [chuckles]

Listen, I know we're
disappointed in our husbands,

but the thing is, it-it
started out kind of innocently.

All they wanted
was a guys' trip,

and they were
too scared to tell us.

Is this true, Don?

I amvery afraid of you.

What about you?

I need a guys' trip.

I've been saving up dirty jokes
for 11 months,

and I got to get 'em out of me.

Look at it this way. I mean,
yes, we could be mad at them,

but that's really
"been there, done that," right?

Our other option is
to just let 'em go.

Why would we do that?

Because then wecan go
on a girls' trip.

Ooh, I'm interested.

That's a great idea.

You should do that.

I vote "not mad"
girls' trip.

How come we've never
been on a girls' trip?

We didn't want
to hurt their feelings.
Oh.

Oh. Well, that doesn't
matter anymore.

Yeah, you guys go
to the cabin.

Yeah, have fun.

This is great.

Look at that.
Everybody wins.Huh.

We get our guys' trip,
and our wives are happy.

Mm.You fixed it, babe.

It's kind of like
it never happened.

[chuckles]:
Oh, it happened.

And I'm keeping the bracelet.

Oh. Okay, but if you change
your mind within 30 days,

just let me know--
Okay, keep it, keep it, keep it.

Okay. Let's start
planning our trip.

We can go anywhere we want.

Ooh. How about
the Wisconsin Dells?

MEN:
Ah.

Or a spa. MEN: Ooh.

Or... Vegas! MEN: What?

That's the one. That one. That wins.

Then let's go book it.
Girls' trip!

What just happened?

Vegas?
Now their thing is better.

Yeah. At least
when we go on a fun trip,

we have the decency
to lie about it.Yeah.

Well, that was a
great girls' trip.

Do you know
that we single-handedly

changed the all-you-can-drink
policy at two different bars?

I still can't believe that
Bev won a mechanical bull rodeo.

Oh, yeah.

That ThighMaster
really paid off.

Hey.

Hey, you're home.Yeah.

How was your trip?

Pretty great. Yeah.

I was the only guy
that brought toilet paper.

That got me
the hat back.Mm.

And I fell in the hole they dug.

Well done, guys.Yeah.

We only ran into
one problem.

Lowell had a bad reaction
to the bear spray.

DON:
Yeah.

[women gasping]

He thought you were supposed

to spray it on yourself
like sunscreen.

I could hear the bears laughing.

[laughs]
That was us.

Yeah. Hey, so,

how was your girls' trip?

Maybe we should go
with you next time.

Oh. Uh, yeah, you
don't want to do that.

It was really boring.