02x08 - Lice Lice Baby

[bunniefuu]

Come on, guys, we're
gonna be late for school.

We don't have school.

No, no, no, I'm not
falling for that again.

No, it's for real. It's
Teacher Reading Day.

They sent home a note.

What note? I didn't see any note.

Teddy, did you start eating paper again?

Well, I found the note.

And the upstairs remote. Teddy!

We both have to work.
What are we gonna do?

Katie can babysit.

Yes! I knew there was
a reason we had three.

Yeah.

Sorry, no day off for high school.

You know, I can't wait to go to college

and skip class all the time.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

She's gonna be trouble.

You know, the teachers are there.

What if we just drop these two at school

and act like we didn't know?

The trick is to drive away fast.

I have an idea.

You guys are going to
work with Daddy today!

Yay!

No, no yay.

No, I can't take them. I have to work.

Well, I have to work, too.

(SIGHS) So what are we gonna do?

Guess we're just gonna have
to sit down and talk it out.

Aw, I always lose when we do that!

Oh, how about this?

A race to the door, okay?

Last one out stays home, all right?

On three. Okay, come on.

One, two...

Thought I could hurdle that
coffee table, I really did.

Okay, why can't you take the kids today?

I have a meeting with
the mini-mall developer.

And she's already bent
out of shape because

there's a trucker's strike
and construction is delayed.

Okay, well, no rational
person can blame you for that.

(CHUCKLES) She's not rational.

She fired her own mother.

Well, I can't take them either.

My boss is out for the morning,

and he just made me his number two.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, you know, a promotion
like that deserves a reward.

Congratulations, honey,
you just won a day at home

with our beautiful children.

Oh. So I have to stay
home because I'm a woman?

(CHUCKLES): Okay.

Didn't know you'd play
that card this early.

Hey, if I'm holding an
ace, you're gonna see it.

There's no good solution to this.

I don't understand why
kids can't stay home alone.

Remember that movie, Home Alone?

Huh?

That was a big hit.

You know,

when I was Teddy's age,
my parents would just

leave Don and I with a sign
around our necks that said,

"If found, please return
to Maple Street."

Is that true?

Just let me tell my story.

All this babying is
not good for the kids.

You know, we... we cut up their bananas.

Bananas, Andi!

A monkey knows how to work a banana.

If we keep this up, when the
kids get out in the real world,

they are never gonna survive.

Okay, okay.

You know what? This weekend,

we will drive the kids out to the woods,

give them a banana and
see who makes it home. Huh?

But for now, take them to work.

I knew I'd lose if we talked it out.

Fine, I'll take them.

But we are definitely doing
that banana Hunger Games thing.

I'll tell you what, when my
boss gets back this afternoon,

I'll-I'll fake a lady problem

and I'll come take
Teddy and Emme from you.

Yes. Men don't ask
questions about lady problems

'cause we don't want the answers.

Teddy, Teddy, don't-don't touch that.

Don't touch that, okay? All right.

Emme, Emme, Emme, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

Honey, that's-that's
my boss's chair, okay?

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.

Give me that. Give me that.

Stop playing... No. Will you stop it?

Stop. Stop it. Stop it!

Lisa!

Oh, look, you brought your
children to my workplace.

I'd just like to point out
that I didn't bring any kids.

Good, Don. Very good.

Now, why don't you and the little ones

celebrate your victory by
going out into the hall.

That's a good idea.

Why don't you guys wait
for Daddy outside. Okay.

Really? Are you sure you want me to...

Yep, uh-huh. Now you're doing it.

Okay.

Uh, sorry about that.

There was a scheduling
thing with school,

and my wife is very liberated.

Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
It's best if I don't know

too much about your personal life.

It'll make it easier
if/when things go south

with the mini-mall, and
I have to, you know...

(MAKES CUTTING NOISE)

k*ll me?

No, fire you.

Oh.

Although my therapist would tell me

to be more sympathetic.

Your therapist sounds very smart.

- I fired her.
- Serves that idiot right.

Uh, we have to make
this a quick meeting.

The Developers Association

is honoring me with an Innovator Award,

and I'm a little frightened
of public speaking.

Oh.

I'm much more likeable one-on-one.

Sure. Yeah.

I say that because I don't want
you to... (MAKES CUTTING NOISE)

What is that?

I was just doing what you did.

You don't do that. I do that.

Okay.

Let's talk about why you're here.

I am not happy about the
delays on the mini-mall.

Lisa, this truckers'
strike is causing problems.

If it helps, I have other contractors

that can replace you guys by tomorrow.

I wouldn't call it super helpful.

Look, we will bring this
thing in on time, okay?

The Burns brothers are as
professional as it gets.

Hey, random question.

Was that vase out here expensive?

The kids broke the vase?

Right. Yeah, the kids.

But don't ask them about
it; they'll just lie.

Whoa, what's going on here?

I have bugs on my head.

Welcome home, honey. The kids have lice.

Would you stop telling
everybody about that?

He's your dad. You've
pooped in his hand.

Stop telling everybody
about that!

How can we have lice again?

I thought you could only get that once.

No, that's mono.

And somehow I've taken that
around the block a few times.

Lowell was kind enough to
come and treat everybody.

Actually, I told Andi it's
easy and she could do it,

and she said, "Oh, I have to
do it because I'm a woman?"

And I came right over.

Wow, you are milking
that like a dairy cow.

It's no big deal.

I had the supplies because
I just treated my kids.

Apparently, the whole school has it.

Well, why wouldn't they tell us that?

Wait a minute.

Here it is.

Teddy!

Hey, don't sh**t the messenger.

You're not the messenger.
You never deliver the message!

Okay, guys, you're done.

Go upstairs and rinse the little
dead bodies out of your hair.

Ugh.

Just talking about these
bugs makes me itchy.

Actually, um, you guys
should get checked.

Oh, and we have to tell your dad, too.

He took the kids to that
ball pit place yesterday.

You should let them know, too.

Hey, if you go to a ball pit
and all you catch is lice,

you dodged a b*llet.

The kids' feet don't reach
the bottom, but mine did.

It's wet down there.

Okay, Don's clean.

Yeah, they couldn't make
it up to the penthouse.

But Adam's got some friends on top.

(GROANS): Oh.

I can't believe this.

Honey, it's okay.

It just means you're a
loving, affectionate dad.

And Don's a cold, distant uncle.

You're gonna have to notify
everybody you were with today.

Well, we weren't with
anyone except each other.

Oh!

Adam, are-are you okay?

The kids were all over Lisa's office.

They probably gave her lice!

If we left them home with
signs around their necks,

this never would've happened.

I-I'm sure she'll understand.
I mean, she's probably got kids.

The only way she has
kids is if she lured them

into her candy house
to eat them for dinner.

Listen, we got to get out in front

of this lice thing with Lisa.

Okay, we gave up all of
our other work for this job.

We got expenses, we hired Lowell.

You guys better fix this.

I can't go back to
being a house-husband.

My father-in-law just
stopped calling me Nancy.

Wow, Nancy's worried.

Okay, all right, uh...
Oh, how about this?

Lisa's got that awards banquet tonight.

Let's just go down
there and check her out.

No, no. I'm mad at her.

She put me out in the
hall with the kids.

No, no, Don.

We'll just hang back and
see if she's scratching.

If she's not, then we're just

a couple of business
partners there to support her.

That's nice of us.

Yeah. Yeah.

And if she does have
lice, we'll come clean.

Hopefully, she'll appreciate our
honesty and not send us packing.

Wait, wait, you're betting
our jobs on her humanity?

Yep. And it's a high-risk move

'cause I'm not convinced she's human.

I'm pretty sure I saw a
zipper on the back of her head.

I better have all my hair
when you wash this stuff out.

My inventory's running low already.

All right, we're heading
down to Lisa's awards banquet.

No big deal, just
trying to save our jobs.

Oh, I'm sure you'll do great.

Don, let Adam do all the talking.

Right. I'll just be eye candy.

Joe, I'm really sorry
the kids turned your head

into a bug motel.

You know, Bev's probably got them, too,

and she's on a river
cruise with her gal pals.

A boat full of itchy
women scratching together.

Huh.

That-that makes me chuckle. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, let's check you out.

Okay, well, get ready,

'cause last time the
kids gave them to me,

it was like the million
lice march on my head.

I guess that's just the curse
of being an affectionate mother.

Nope. You're clean as a whistle.

Huh?

No, no, no, that-that
can't be right, Lowell.

Ch-Check it again.

I checked. You're good.

(CHUCKLES): Okay.

Listen to me very carefully, all right?

I'm their mother. Right?

Every time they get
the flu, I get the flu.

When they had strep
throat, I had strep throat.

And the last time they got these bugs,

I got hit the worst because
I am a warm and loving mother!

Okay, don't b*at yourself up.

You can't compare then to now.

I mean, these days, you're busy working.

What... what are you implying, Lowell?

Don't engage.

No, I'm not implying anything.

I'm just pointing out
a factual difference.

Stand down, boy.

I think you're saying
that I don't have lice

because I'm not around enough.

No, no, I did not mean that at all.

What do I do?

Play dead and hope she moves on.

Okay, look, there could be
lots of reasons for this.

Like here... it says lice are
only attracted to clean hair.

So I'm either an absent
mom or a dirty one.

Maybe you're both. Who
says you can't have it all?

Wow, look at this spread.

They got the giant
shrimp and tiny pickles.

The whole world's upside down.

Will you stay focused?
We have a job to do.

Ooh, they got the olives with
a red thing in the middle.

How they do that?

Go to a grocery store, man.
That's just regular stuff.

All right, now use your
freakish height to find Lisa.

There she is.

Ladies and gentlemen, our
Innovator Award winner,

Lisa McCaffrey.

Uh-oh. She's scratching her head.

Hold on, hold on.

Maybe she's just coming up with an idea.

This is... such an honor.

(CHUCKLES)

Must be a real brainstorm.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, my God.

We just turned our boss into
the Bride of Frankenstein.

(CLEARS THROAT) Now, where was I?

Don, we're screwed.

We gave our boss lice, and
she just humiliated herself.

She sees us.

Just look away.

I can't; her hair's too funny.

- What are we gonna do?
- I thought we had to tell her.

No, no, no, it's too big.

Remember when we were kids,
we sh*t that bottle rocket

into the woods and all
the trees caught on fire?

We didn't tell anyone, we
just got the hell out of there.

Everything's on fire, Don!
Let's get the hell out of here!

You're right, let's go.

What kind of frickin' lice
don't get on the mother's head?

(POTS CRASHING)

(CUPBOARD SLAMMING)

She's upset. One of us is
gonna have to go in there.

You go.

You're related to her.

Not by blood, so let's just
take that off the table.

You know what this is?

This-this is society trying
to keep the working moms down!

I'm out.

What? Don't leave me.

Hey, you pulled the pin on
the grenade; you jump on it.

Feel better, honey!

(POTS CRASHING)

So... you know what I was thinking?

I bet that you don't have lice

because they just flew off your head

while you were running
around being a great mom.

Nice try, Lowell, but
I think we both know

why I don't have the bugs.

There could be other reasons.

Like, did you put your head
too close to the microwave?

Were you underwater for minutes?

Have you been in space?

Are you having fun, Lowell?

No.

And not that I'm ready to go,
but have you seen my car keys?

Wait. Is this your hair spray?

No, I stole it.

Among my many flaws,
I'm also a kleptomaniac.

I guess once you light the
fuse, all the bombs go off.

I'm just saying,

your hair spray has tea tree oil in it.

- That repels lice.
- It does?

Look, it's on the sheet from school.

So it's not my fault?

I am a good mother.

Great mother.

Little bit of an aggressive host.

Okay, I'm gonna get out of
here while you're smiling.

Thanks so much, Lowell.

Anytime. But never again.

Hey, Lowell.

There's my handsome man. How'd it go?

I don't want to tell you

because you look like
you're in a good mood.

She is now.

Thanks for meeting me at the
exit of the roller coaster.

ADAM: Wait a minute.

You thought you were a bad mom
because you didn't have lice?

Yeah, I felt terrible.

So I did the healthy thing
and I took it out on Lowell.

Well, I don't hate that
someone else took that shrapnel.

(CHUCKLES)

I mean, I actually thought
about quitting my job.

I can't believe you were
b*ating yourself up like that.

And there's no way you're quitting.

After Lisa's speech tonight,

you might be the only one of us working.

Was it really that bad?

Yeah, yeah. She's got a bundle of lice,

and she's gonna realize
it was because of us.

We have until Monday to
figure our way out of this.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Who is it?

LISA: It's Lisa McCaffrey!

Don, she's at my house.

She knows!

Turn off the lights.

(PANTING)

Oh! Andi, you talk to her.

Oh, I have to talk to
her because I'm a woman?

Yes! I'm playing the card now.

The card works both ways.

LISA: Hello?

I know you're in there.

You know what? This
seems like man's work.

Yeah, I'm reverse playing the card.

Lisa. Hey, what's up?

So, my speech didn't
go very well tonight,

and we need to talk about it.

Uh, look, I just want
to say I'm sorry...

I had an anxiety att*ck.

Or you go.

I called my therapist, Dr. Klein,

and she explained that the itching was

a physical manifestation of
my fear of public speaking.

- That sounds about right.
- She nailed it.

I just came by because we work together,

and I felt I owed you an explanation.

Well, just don't let it happen again.

Bottom line:

what happened on that
stage tonight was my fault.

It was my failure,

and I have to figure out
a way to deal with that.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

No. Don't you do it.

Don't you do the right thing.

Lisa! Lisa! Wait, wait.

Oh, he's doing it.

Yeah, c-come on in.

Um...

What happened tonight... The
problem's not in your head,

it's on your head.

What are you saying?

Well, you see...

Don's niece and nephew gave you lice.

You let me make a fool out of myself

in front of my entire industry.

I should fire you right now.

Hey, you know what?

My wife has a job, okay?

So sometimes I have to
bring my kids to work,

and almost every time, they
have something you can catch.

And I'm not gonna apologize for that.

I will. I'm sorry for both of us.

No, no, no. I'm tired
of everyone feeling bad.

My wife felt bad because she
thought she was a bad mom.

I felt bad because I
thought I was a bad employee.

We're all doing the best we can,

and if that's not good enough for you,

then you know what, go
ahead, fire us, go ahead.

Well, you really took
the wind out of my sails.

If you don't mind getting
fired, it's not fun for me.

I'd like to be fired, too, then.

Look, if it means anything, we
never meant for it to happen.

Well, I guess the lice
is a bit of a relief.

I can fix that with shampoo.

I thought I was gonna
have to improve myself.

Good luck, am I right?

(ADAM AND DON CHUCKLE)

Okay, uh, are we still working for you?

Sure. For now.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna call my therapist,

Dr. Klein, and fire her.

And then I'm gonna swing
by my ex-husband's house

and give his new
girlfriend a big licey hug.

That sounds fun.

Maybe don't lose Dr. Klein's number.

(CHUCKLES)

That was good stuff.

I was worried, but
you landed that plane.

ANDI: Hey, honey.

I heard everything. I'm so proud of you.

You've earned these.

- Oh.
- Oh.

I meant what I said.

If I have to take my
kids to work every day,

then I am happy to do it.

Oh, good.

'Cause I just got an e-mail.
They're fumigating the school,

and the kids are gonna be
off for the next three days.

I'm calling in with lady problems.

TV REPORTER: And in other news,
a river boat was quarantined

offshore due to a lice outbreak.

(LAUGHING)

Never tell your mother
how much I enjoyed this.

You want us to rewind
it and play it again?

He's seen it three times.

Once more for the old man, huh?

And in other news, a river
boat was quarantined...

(LAUGHING)