02x10 - Adam's Turtle-y Awesome Valentine's Day

[bunniefuu]

You know, these animal
valentines you got

for the kids to take to
school, they're a little racy.

Like, look at this cartoon bear.

He's wearing nothing but a bow tie.

Where's he going, a bachelorette party?

I still don't understand
why every kid in the class

has to get a valentine.

When I was their age,
the only kids who got

a full bag of valentines
were nice or foxy.

Like me.

You were foxy in the third grade?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's the
year I grew into my head.

- Ah.
- Yeah.

Second grade, not so
foxy. I tipped over a lot.

Yeah.

So, my beautiful bride,

would you like to have
"a whale of a time"

this Valentine's Day?

Actually, this year, I
don't want to do anything.

(LAUGHS)

I love that we can still
make each other laugh.

No, I-I'm serious.

I just, I just want to do nothing.

Yeah, this feels like a trap.

No, it's not.

Look, we're always running around,

and I haven't had time
to get you something.

Plus, they gave me a
standing desk at work,

so I have been on my
feet for three days.

I will not be the first
person to sit down.

So, uh, this doing nothing
for Valentine's Day,

are you serious?

Yes. Yes.

No going out and no gifts.

My perfect Valentine's Day

would be a quiet night at
home with the people I love.

And many glasses of wine.

Okay. Well, I guess we'll just stay here

and have dinner with
my folks and the kids.

That sounds perfect.

Really?

How many glasses of wine
have you had tonight?

(LAUGHS): Okay.

Look, bottom line is,

we've celebrated for years.

I'm just... I'm over this holiday.

You know, every day I
love you more and more,

because as time goes by...

you make me show it less and less.

Aw.

So Andi doesn't want
anything for Valentine's Day?

All she wants is to drink
wine, so just her normal night.

That sounds like a trap.

That's what I said; but she denied it,

and then we made out for
a while, so it's real.

Oh, you've finally reached
that sweet spot in marriage

where you could phone it in.

Welcome to the bigs, kid, huh?

And now I just got to
figure out a gift for Mom.

(CHUCKLES) Good luck
with that, little brother.

I out-gift him every year.

But it's cute that he still tries.

Don't take it personally.

I'm the oldest; I made her a mother.

What did you bring to the table?

Well, unlike you,

I didn't make her deliver a
baby that was three feet tall.

The struggle only made her love me more.

They put him in the nursery;
people thought he worked there.

Oh, I know what I'll do.

I'll just slide the gift I
bought for Andi over to Mom.

Yeah. A -karat-gold necklace
with pictures of the kids on it.

Oh, her grandchildren
will rest on her heart.

Is there a way to bet on this?

I'd like to put my money on Adam.

What you boys don't understand is,

it's not the gift, it's the giver.

We'll see.

I think I got a good sh*t.

This could be the year
that Mom says to you:

"Mm, it's the thought that counts."

Thanks for letting me
borrow your slow cooker.

Yeah, well, we had to hide this

after Teddy used it
to boil Emme's Barbies.

Yeah. It was very disturbing.

- The heads are the last thing to melt.
- Ugh.

And they float.

Ugh.

Ooh.

What's this?

Mm.

"To Andi, Happy Valentine's Day,

love, Adam"? (GASPS)

Open it.

- Oh, I don't think I should.
- Seriously?

No, I'm definitely going to.

I just felt like I should say that.

(LAUGHS)

(GASPS)

- Ooh, shiny!
- Oh!

Oh, look, and it's got
pictures of the kids on it.

That is so sweet. But
I thought you told him

you didn't want anything
for Valentine's Day.

I did, but he didn't listen.

That usually makes me so mad.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh.

I have the most thoughtful
husband in the whole world.

I have the most thoughtful
son in the whole world.

I saw this necklace and I thought,

"There is no one who deserves
this more than my mother."

Now, I don't want to
put words in your mouth,

but it's kind of the
best gift ever, huh?

(GIGGLES)

Oh, I-I don't like to think of it

as a competition
between you boys, but...

this is gonna be hard to b*at.

I'm glad you like the new guy's gift.

Now, let's see what
your firstborn got you.

Go get 'em, Donny.

I think you're gonna love it so much

that next year I'm gonna
have to give you a necklace

with a picture of

this on it.

Huh.

It's a damn cactus!

Uh-huh.

Are you throwing the game?

I know what this is.

This is the beginning of a
scavenger hunt to the real gift.

Where's the clue? Underneath?

No, Ma, you're always
saying how you love

going to Arizona and
seeing all the cactuses.

She likes to swim, too; does that mean

you're gonna throw a
bucket of water on her?

Maybe you're mixed up.

Okay. This is from me.

Your firstborn.

I made you a mommy.

Well, it's the thought that counts.

There it is.

Joe, why don't you take
that outside for me?

Oh, yes, this cactus will love the snow.

I'm gonna go see how
my new necklace looks.

If this is what my son got me,

I can't wait to see
what my husband gets me.

What are you doing to me?

What?

You told me you were
getting her chocolates,

so I got her flowers.

Now the flowers are just
gonna sit in the trash

with this-this blowfish in a pot.

I didn't mean to ruin your day.

I was just trying to ruin his.

It's not ruined.

Valentine's Day isn't over yet.

The firstborn will rise again.

Come on, Donny, let's
head to the Hallmark store

and see if we can pull
out of this nosedive.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Yay.

A book?

Are you mad at us?

- Ah, we're just kidding.
- Ah!

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, did you see their faces?

They thought they were
gonna have to read.

I know. Oh, wait. Hold
on, hold on, hold on.

Valentine's Day isn't over yet.

It's time for Daddy's gift.

Daddy's gift?

I thought Daddy didn't get a gift.

That's what Mommy said
and Daddy believed her.

(SIGHS)

Open it.

(LAUGHS) I don't want to.

No, go ahead.

Uh, o-okay, b-but before I do,

just to be clear, as
previously agreed upon,

I... I didn't get you anything.

Okay, sure.

(SIGHS) Okay.

I'm going in.

(GASPS, LAUGHS)

It's a table hockey game!

Where's the screen?

Does if have Wi-Fi or...?

It's just like the one
I had when I was a kid.

I love it!

Ah, good.

I just had to show you
how much you mean to me.

Oh. (SIGHS)

(LAUGHS): Okay. That's it.

That was a great Valentine's Day, yeah.

But everything is over now, so...

Ah.

(LAUGHS): Okay.

Well, I guess I'll
just go to the kitchen,

'cause everything's over now.

Okay.

Here I go.

Okay. Buh-bye.

Okay, five bucks for anyone who
can tell me what just happened.

He didn't give you the necklace?

No. It doesn't make any sense.

Unless he's got a girlfriend
who's also named Andi

with three kids that look
a hell of a lot like ours.

Oh, maybe the way he's
gonna give it to you

is part of the surprise.

Yeah, that's it, that's it.

He-he invited his parents over tonight.

I bet they're gonna babysit

while we go out for a romantic dinner

and then, instead of
dessert, it's the necklace.

Yeah. If he hides it
in dessert, be careful.

I still have a tennis
bracelet somewhere inside me.

Whoa, break. (STAMMERS, GROANS)

(GROANS)

Wh-What are you guys doing here?

I thought you were coming
for dinner. It's only : .

We came early to give people
time to admire my necklace.

Where is everyone?

Uh, uh, Andi's out running errands,

but she'll be back later,
you know, at dinnertime.

Aw. She left you without snacks?

Don't worry,

Mama's here now. Mm.

I'll fix grilled cheeses.

Maybe next year, you can
buy her a golden spatula

so she can make a grilled
cheese for her golden boy.

Hey, listen, speaking of gifts,

Andi said she didn't want a
gift, so I didn't get her one.

But then she got me
one. Should I be worried?

You should be changing your
name and moving to Canada.

- I knew it was a trap!
- Yeah.

I fell for that "I don't need
a gift" trick back in ' ,

and I spent the next
month living on my boat.

(SIGHS) Man, Andi's gonna...

Wait, we had a boat?

We didn't have a boat;
I had a boat.

O-Okay, okay, I got to run out
and find something for Andi.

Hey, how was the Hallmark store?

- Oh, picked clean.
- (SIGHS)

I haven't seen men fall apart like that

since the first day of basic training.

- Hey!
- Hi, everybody!

Why do people keep showing up early?

I wanted to give Mom my new present,

a pair of earrings.

Earrings? I'm gonna have
to buy her mink underpants

to keep up with you two.

Two earrings beats one necklace.

That's math.

Fine, fine. I don't have time for this.

I got to hit the mall.

Apparently, to Andi, "no
gift" means "yes gift."

Why can't you just give
her the gold necklace?

What?

What-what did you say?

The-the necklace.

The gold necklace in the slow cooker.

How do you know about that?

Um, I was with Andi when she found it.

She found it? Andi
knows about the necklace?

Too bad I sold the boat.

Seems like you could really use it now.

- We had some good times on that boat, Pop.
- Yeah.

Are you telling me Andi thinks

I'm gonna surprise her with the necklace

at a romantic dinner? She said no gifts.

Why didn't you just
give her the necklace?

She said no gifts.

Keep saying that and we'll be
carving it on your tombstone.

She's gonna be home any minute.

If she sees that necklace on my mom,

she's gonna strangle me with it.

You know, on the upside, my cactus

isn't looking so shabby anymore.

Great news, babe: I
got you some earrings.

Aw!

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I might still be able to save this.

I just got to get the
necklace away from Mom,

give it to Andi, and then
just buy another one for Mom.

How you gonna do that
without Bev knowing?

I don't know. I mean, just look at her.

I'm gonna need the Jaws of
Life to pry it out of her hands.

Just tell her the truth.

You bought it for Andi and
she has to give it back.

Yeah, do that. It's too late for you.

Save me!

Oh, hi, Don!

Marcy.

Um, okay, who's hungry?

- Oh, forgot napkins.
- Uh, wait, Ma...

No, no, no. Don't start
until I get my grilled cheese.

When she gets mad, she
throws food in the trash.

Here we go.

Uh, s-so, Ma,

hey, you know what I was thinking?

I should have your necklace engraved.

You know, make it more personal.

Yeah. Give it to me now.

It's already personal;

it's got pictures of my grandkids on it.

Oh...

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

The truth is...

I bought it from a
gypsy; it's fake gold.

BEV: What?

And I don't want that fake gold

giving you a nasty rash, so cough it up.

Mm. No!

If people ask, I'll just tell 'em

I got the nasty rash from my loving son.

You might want to mention

the necklace in there somewhere, too.

Andi!

Hi, honey. Oh.

Your parents are already here, huh?

(CHUCKLES): Yeah.

So, we going out or something?

Should I go upstairs and change?

Yeah, yeah. Maybe go change, yeah.

And-and take your time.
And if you get tired,

just go to bed. I'll
see you in the morning.

Andi, come look at my present.

No, no, no, no!

- Uh, no, no, no! Okay.
- Whoa!

- Yeah. You look...
- Wait, Adam, what are you doing?!

Well, you look... you look so cold.

Okay, there you go!

Hey, Andi, you know, you
know what I was thinking?

Since it's Valentine's Day,

we should only look at each other. Huh?

Adam, honey, you don't have
to play this game, all right?

I know something's coming.

Something's coming, all right.

Aw! Is Adam gonna
surprise you, too, Andi?

Look at me, look at me, look at me.

Remember, I gave you three

beautiful children.

Um, Bev, a-are you
wearing a-a gold necklace

with pictures of the kids on it?

It was a gift from your sweet husband.

Isn't that thoughtful?

I have some thoughts.

Can I tell you my
thoughts in the kitchen?

You stay right here.

What a nice way to
spend Valentine's Day:

dinner and a show.

Why is your mother wearing the necklace

I secretly know you bought for me?

Okay, yeah, I bought it for you,

but then you said you
didn't want a gift.

So I figured it'd be okay
to give it to my mom instead.

- What?!
- (YELPS)

My necklace wasn't
bought specially for me?

It was!

In a sense.

Yeah.

In-in the sense that
I bought it for her.

B-But the sign in the shop
said "perfect for any woman."

So I'm just any woman?

No! No... (SIGHS)

If I'm not looking at you,
I'm not talking to you.

Okay?

Come on, Andi, you know
how my mom is about gifts.

How am I about gifts?

You're great at gifts.

Yeah, you're the most
appreciative woman I know.

So I'm not appreciative?

Can I talk to you alone?!

- No!
- No! - Oh!

Okay. (STAMMERS) Don't
be so hard on the boy.

Bev, you are gonna be so cheered up

when you see the flowers I got you.

With a beautiful blank card

where you can write
anything your heart desires.

If this wasn't bought
for me, I don't want it.

(SIGHS)

- Don't do it.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Happy Valentine's Day?
- Oh!

- Good grief.
- He did it.

You know what?

I'll take it.

- Whoa! - Curveball.
- I did not see that coming.

You will? Really?

Really. I mean, I did say no gifts.

But you bought this for me.

And it's incredibly
thoughtful, and I love it.

Wow. Where did he find her?

It's beautiful.

- Aw.
- Mm.

I don't want to ruin it
for you, honey, but...

it's fake gold.

No, no.

I just said that when you had it.

It's real.

That's interesting.

I pocketed one when
things started to go south.

- (GASPS DRAMATICALLY)
- (GASPS)

What's this?

Well, I wanted you to get
a full bag of valentines,

because you deserve to know
that you're nice and foxy.

Aw, that's so sweet.

And I just want to
thank you for being...

"turtle-y awesome"

and "otter-ly adorable."

- Aw. (GIGGLES)
- (CHUCKLES)

"Roses are red, I want you in my bed."

There's a few originals in there.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

"Violets are blue,

or not on the bed... It's up to you."

So what I'm saying there
is I'm up for anything.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

"Love is the highest power,
let's do it in the shower."

Adam.

The lower you go, the dirtier they get.

(CHUCKLES): Yeah.

Well, this is just to say I'm sorry.

Oh, Adam.

This is so overwhelming.

- Oh!
- (CHUCKLES)

This must have cost you a fortune.

Ah, you can't put a price on that smile.

And yet somehow you did.

I like the balloons, too.

They look really good with my cactus.

Oh, sh**t. Darn it. Ooh.

Oh! There goes another one.

Oh! How clumsy of me! Oh!

I told you the firstborn
would rise again.