02x11 - Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner

[bunniefuu]

Guys, this... is a dishwasher. Okay?

This is not a dishwasher.

We know what a dishwasher is.

Okay. Well, then, show me by
putting your dishes in there.

It's full of wine glasses.

When you have kids, you'll understand.

Come on.

(SIGHS)

Hi.

Hey.

- How was Bingo with your mom?
- (SHUDDERS)

(EXHALES)

How do you think it was?

Four hours stuck in a hot room

with a bunch of senior citizens.

And it took forever to call each number.

"B ."

(AS ELDERLY PERSON): "What?!"

"B ."

(AS ELDERLY PERSON): "What?!"

And then this -year-old
woman grabbed my thigh.

And I said "Hey, hands
off" and she said "What?"

Well, you've always been
catnip for the blue hairs.

Yeah. Oh!

I did finally win a prize.

- (RATTLING)
- A pill organizer.

But I think it's used,

'cause there's an aspirin in Friday.

I'll put it with the compression
socks you won last week.

(CHUCKLES)

Ever since my mom got on this
Bingo kick, it's every week.

My dad won't take her,

you won't take her...

Wait. Why don't you ever take her?

Well, I told her I don't like Bingo.

I may have also said that you love it.

So you did this to me?

Bingo.

Honey, you know, your mom is just

sitting around that house
all day with your dad.

She's probably bored out of her mind.

That's what it is!

Look at the big brain on you.

To stop Bingo at night,

we need to find a way to
tire her out during the day.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Don't you have volunteers
at the hospital?

Actually, your mom would love that.

Yeah. Why not give
her to the sick people?

They're already not having fun.

Okay, I'll get her signed up.

Great. Great.

Oh. And as a thank
you, please accept this

state-of-the-art bunion shaver.

Ooh. Really?

I was on a hot streak.

Oh, I'm so nervous.

My first day as a volunteer.

Hey. Dropped the kids off at school.

Uh, fair warning, Teddy lost
his hard-boiled egg in your car.

I moved the seat back to try to find it,

but I think I may have just crushed it.

Look at me, sweetie.

I'm a working girl,
like Mary Tyler Moore.

If I had a hat, I'd throw it in the air.

(CHUCKLING)

She knows she's not getting paid, right?

Hey, I took her off your
hands. Don't rock the boat.

All right, look. Just keep her moving

so she's too tired for Bingo.

Maybe don't tell her
about the elevators.

- Hmm?
- (CHUCKLES) Okay.

(SING-SONGY): I solve
problems, that's what I do.

(HUMMING HAPPILY)

(HIGH-PITCHED YELP)

You still scream like
a little girl, son.

What are you doing here?

I don't want to sit
alone in an empty house,

so I'm with you now.

Wha... Mom's going to be volunteering

at the hospital every day.

Then I'll be with you every day.

But I have to go to work.

Great, we'll go to work.

We just need to stop off

and get me my morning Dr. Pepper.

There's a can in the fridge.

Oh, no, no. It's gotta be draft,

with chewable ice, in a foam cup,

the way the good Lord intended.

- Ah.
- I know where we can get it.

There's a place out by the airport.

Oh, great. Yeah.

I was just thinking how much
I want to drive to the airport.

All right.

After we get your airport soda,

we need to run by the lumberyard.

What about breakfast?

Why didn't you make yourself
something in the house?

I don't cook my own food.

Somebody does it for me.

I'm grandfathered into that.

What does that mean?

It means I risked my
life fighting commies,

so somebody else makes my chow.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(ALARM CHIMING)

- You hear that?
- Hmm?

- (CHIMING CONTINUES)
- You hear?

Huh?

- You know what that sound is?
- Huh?

That means put your seat belt on.

I don't have to do that, I'm
grandfathered into that, too.

I'll just fly safely
through the windshield.

- How 'bout this soda, Donny?
- Oh...

Great job, Pop.

It's delicious...

and it looks like it
made Adam really mad.

I can't hear you.

All I can hear is "bong bong bong."

Oh, Adam, the insulation guys called.

They can meet you at : tomorrow.

Okay, great.

Oh, no, no, no. That's
not going to work.

We need to buy my
lottery tickets at : .

That's my lucky time.

How is it lucky if you've never won?

Every time I don't win,
I'm building up my luck.

That's how it works.

- Hey, Dad.
- What?

Want to chase the crew
around with the forklift?

Is a duck's ass watertight?

ADAM: Listen, Don.

You have got to take Dad off my hands.

No way, he wanders off.

I lost him in Target once.

I had to use that red
phone and everything.

I love father and son time.

Once a year, my father and
I go hunting for Bigfoot.

I take what I can get.

Just tell Dad you have stuff to do

and he needs to entertain himself.

I can't do that to the old guy.

I'll just suck it up.

How bad can it be?

(ALARM CHIMING)

What are these guys doing?

The light's green.

- (HONKS HORN)
- Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing?

You can't honk another man's horn.

Yes, I can, I'm grandfathered in.

- (HONKS HORN)
- Hey.

There's four guys in that truck.

And now they're getting out. Great.

That's why you don't
put your seat belt on.

- It's go time!
- Hey!

You are years old.

Go time is over.

Here's your "middle
of the day" Dr. Pepper.

Sorry it took so long,

they were doing roadwork
down by the airport.

Nice try.

This is from the Shell
station down the street.

How are you so good at this?

What's this?

Cream for my dry skin.

Why are you giving it to me?

You have to rub it on me.

What?

Not everywhere, just
the places I can't reach.

Hey, honey.

How was your day?

My dad has a cream, Andi.

That I have to apply.

Oh, boy.

I'm sorry, honey.

Eesh.

Well, you know, if it helps,

your mom is having a
blast at the hospital.

Well, I can't do another day.

Okay, I-I think you're overreacting.

Oh, really? Am I?

Am I? Am I overreacting?

I am more and more
confident the answer is yes.

Let me show you something.

Ooh.

What's in that cream?

Your hands are so soft.

Bong bong bong bong.

I'm hearing it in my sleep now.

Oho, and this is the best part.

Look, Andi, it's my dad.

In our bed.

Where's Bev?

She volunteered to
stay for the late shift.

Okay. What's for dinner?

Pizza.

I... I was thinking meatloaf.

ANDI: Okay, well,

um, meatloaf takes a while, Joe.

Well, I got a good
run of game shows here,

I don't mind waiting.

Adam... get him out of there.

You need to wrangle your filly, boy.

I don't think she's the problem.

It's not my fault.

- Your mother changed the plan.
- What plan?

For our golden years.

We were happy

just staying at home,

watching the world go by.

Then she started acting different.

Did you make her rub that cream on you?

'Cause it's making me act different.

I knew something was coming.

Every morning, we'd go out for our walk

and we'd get to the
sidewalk and we'd turn left.

Then one day

last month, she turned right.

Why? What was she looking for?

And then the Bingo,
and then the hospital.

And here I am.

Well, did you talk to
Mom about any of this?

I don't have to talk about my feelings.

I'm grandfathered into that.

Where you going?

I have to make a meatloaf.

Well, before you go,

would you get me another pillow?

I-I need one for between my legs.

Use Andi's.

I can't believe we're
actually making this meatloaf.

Well, we have to, he's grandfathered in.

You should have heard
him up there, Andi.

He's... lost.

Well, I don't get it.

Bev's gone away before.

She went on that cruise.

Yeah, but he knew everything

would go back to normal in a day or two.

This is different. It's
a big change for him.

So, what, Bev has to sit on the
couch for the rest of her life

just to make her husband happy?

Yes.

Wha...

It's in the vows.

We whisper it so you don't hear it.

You have to tell my mom
to quit the hospital.

Wha...? I'm not gonna do that.

She's happy.

So I have to talk to her all by myself?

Yes.

(SCOFFS)

Wives don't help their
husbands with bad ideas.

It's in the vows.

Well...

I think it's a good idea.

I'll just explain that my
dad is lonely with her gone

and she needs to come back.

I wouldn't get involved if I were you.

I'm already involved.

My pillow smells like Brylcreem.

It's like sleeping in
Ronald Reagan's arms.

Well, fine, you can use my pillow.

Uh, no, thank you.

I think we're gonna have to take

your pillow out back and sh**t it.

Okay, here comes Mom.

I'm going to talk to her
about quitting the hospital.

Well, then I'm getting out of here.

Oh, your dad's up there.

Oh, here comes your mom.

I... I c...

Pantry!

Oh. Hey, sweetie.

Hey, how was your day at the hospital?

Tiring, I'll bet, huh?

Makes you want to say, "Whew,

I am never going back there again."

Well, lesson learned.

You gave it a sh*t. Yeah?

Actually, you know, I feel great.

Helping people gives me more energy.

More energy?

Ooh... I hear that's what happens

right before you should quit a job.

What are we talking about?

- Hey, speaking of Dad...
- Were we speaking of Dad?

We could talk about Dad
if you want to, yeah, sure.

You know, I...

I think you threw him a curve ball

by being out of the house so much.

He misses you.

Oh, that's what this is about.

You know, honey,

I've been adapting to him my whole life.

Now I'd like it if he could adapt to me.

Well, I'd like it if he could
apply his own damn cream,

but that's not happening.

(EXHALES)

I think what he really misses

is me cooking and cleaning for him.

O... Okay, that's a
slightly negative spin on it.

I'm just saying I think he'd be happier

if you weren't gone so much, you know?

And if you think about it,
it's kind of romantic. Huh?

Yeah. So he'd be happier

if I weren't doing the
thing that makes me happy.

Again, slightly negative spin.

Mmm!

I smell meatloaf.

Of course you do, you selfish bastard.

- (DOOR SHUTS)
- What did you do, boy?

I just told her that you missed her.

What, are you writing
some kind of romance novel?

I guess I'll be spending the night.

Wh... Where you going?

Where do you think?

Well, hey, you know,
uh, we have a guest room.

I made you.

You're my guest.

That went well.

Where's the meatloaf?

He took it upstairs, like
a groom takes his bride.

ANDI: Hey...

you elbowed me in the nose.

I didn't move, you
nosed me in the elbow.

Ugh.

You are breathing directly into me.

- (EXHALES LOUDLY)
- My air is your exhaust.

All right.

I want my bed back.

Look, don't worry.

Dad won't be here long.

- Mom will come around.
- Wh...

Why are you taking his
side in this whole deal?

He's been driving you crazy all week.

Well, the man has worked
hard his whole life.

He deserves to retire on the couch

with his wife sitting next to him

and cooking him food.

Like any man would want.

- Like any man?
- Mm.

Not you though, right?

What was the question?

I just want to know how you're
picturing our golden years.

Well, I've worked hard
my whole life, too.

So your plan is to just sit and eat?

(CHUCKLES)

You think you're making it sound bad,

but you're kind of selling it.

Okay, well, that's not healthy.

I mean, you might get fat.

Hey, till death, baby.

But I wanted to do
something fun, together.

You know, like open
Pittsburgh's first winery.

You just like wine.

Yeah, well, I'm going to need it

if I'm stuck on the couch
with a supersized shut-in.

(CHUCKLING)

I am going to breathe
on you so hard tonight.

(BREATHING LOUDLY)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

(EXHALES)

Adam, we need to talk.

You put the chicken too far away.

I'm leaving you.

For who?

For me.

Are you leaving me for my own brother?

Yeah, well, I had no choice.

- He kept it tight.
- Mmm.

You know it, mama.

(STAMMERS)

Come back, don't go.

Andi. Andi!

Andi...

Chicken.

Chicken!

What's for breakfast?

Cereal.

I left a note on the fridge
saying I wanted frittatas.

Well, those days are behind you.

We need to talk about what's
been going on around here.

I told you what's going on.

I went left, your mom went right.

Get ready to for two Christmases.

Look...

Okay, listen, you are
going to have to accept

what's happening with
Mom and, you know, adapt.

But I'm grandfathered in.

That's not a thing!

Look...

retirement is a team sport.

You had everything the way you wanted.

Now Mom has found something
that makes her happy.

Isn't that good?

You think I don't
want to make her happy?

I love her, I... I...

I just, I don't know how
to do any of that stuff.

What stuff?

Home stuff.

My mother fed me,

then the army fed me

and then Bev fed me.

If anything, this is their fault.

Okay. You want a frittata?

Let's teach you

how to make a frittata.

Then you can make one for Mom.

You think that would make her happy?

I do.

Okay, let's do it.

All right.

You want an apron?

I'm willing to try this,

but I'm not putting on
a damn cooking costume.

I still don't understand
why you brought me back here.

Adam called me and he said that
there is a surprise for you.

Joe?

What's this?

I made dinner.

What with you being at the
hospital, I want to, um...

What did you tell me I wanted to do?

Adapt.

Yeah, that.

You cooked for me?

- Well...
- You've never done that before.

Retirement is a team sport.

I taught him that.

And I taught you that.

I just want you to know that

I support you.

This is really something, Joe.

- Here. See?
- Oh!

Ooh, you made scrambled eggs.

Yeah.

Frittatas are a real son of a bitch.

By the way, we need to
figure out something else

for our retirement
besides my couch thing.

That doesn't end well.

Oh, well... (CLEARS THROAT)

I have some ideas.

Hey, if it makes you happy,

- it makes me happy.
- Aw.

Well, you know I've always loved dogs,

so how about running a dog rescue?

I already have a name:

It's The Leash You Can Do.

Ooh, that's good.

Make him do that.

No. No dogs.

Nothing that poops.

Once the three poopers we
got go to college, we're done.

- All right.
- (CHUCKLES)

What else you got?

Okay.

How about...

we open a mask store?

A what?

A store that sells nothing

but masks from around the world.

Ooh, that's a winner.

Yeah. Yeah.

And we will call it...

Maskwell House.

It feels like you're just
coming up with a funny name

and then working backwards from there.

Yeah! That's my process.

Hmm.

It's cute, right?

Hey, guys.

You get the hell away from my wife.