02x12 - Everybody's a Winner

[bunniefuu]

Go, go, go. Oh! You see that?

We just took the lead!

Hey, Dad, do you think I
could pull off these boots?

Honey, I got bucks
riding on this game.

I-I'll pull your boots
off at halftime, okay?

I don't know about that new
paint color in your bathroom.

I know, Joy; it's way too yellow.

This morning, I thought
I was peeing on the sun.

It's so bright, I could see
it from my bedroom window.

Yeah, well, that's why I
asked Adam to repaint it.

He turned a shade of red

that I think would actually
look nice in the bathroom.

Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Husbands love redoing

what they didn't want
to do in the first place.

Yeah, we disagreed,
but then we sat down,

had a discussion, and he's repainting.

- Ah.
- Yeah.

Made him some nachos to ease the blow.

See, the angry part of his brain
is smaller than the nacho part.

All right, I'll tell you
what, I'll buy you the boots

if you help me repaint
the stupid bathroom...

Ooh, nachos.

Well, you deserve 'em, honey.

And the cheese is the
color of the bathroom,

so you won't forget to repaint it.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Howdy!
- (TOY HORN SQUEAKS)

I'm Baggy Britches,
and I have a message.

Are you Kate Burns?

No! No! Say no! Say no!

What is wrong with your husband?

Don't look at his flower.
That's how they get you.

Adam has a fear of clowns.

It's not a fear, okay?

It's a natural instinct
that's kept me alive thus far.

Then why are you using your
daughter as a human shield?

Because you're too far away.

m*rder her; I barely know her.

(TOY HORN SQUEAKS)

♪ I've been sent over
here in my baggy pants ♪

♪ 'Cause Danny Phillips
wants to ask Kate ♪

♪ To the Spring Formal Dance. ♪

Seriously? The Spring Formal?

(LAUGHS): Oh, my God! Mom!

Hey, you want to see some magic?

No, no, no!

- Get out! Get out!
- (SHOE SQUEAKING)

Get out, get out, get out!

(PANTING)

That was close.

Kate, the Spring Formal. That's huge!

I know. I can't believe it.

He's still out there.

Oh, oh! I'm gonna
turn the sprinklers on.

It'll wash off his makeup,
then he'll be powerless.

ANDI: I couldn't be
happier for Kate.

I mean, hardly any freshman girls

get asked to the senior dance.

Hold on. The guy that
asked her is a senior?

All right, don't get all Adam on this.

I'm Adam.

That's the only way I get.

Look, it doesn't mean they're dating.

It's just one dance.

One dance is enough.

That's where you do all the
laying down things standing up.

Yeah, I know. I remember
from our wedding night.

It was like you had six hands.

Andi, any senior that
asks out a freshman

has something wrong with him.

Okay, he's the kind of guy
who ends up dressed as a clown,

terrorizing honest citizens.

For all we know, that was him.

Boy, you get lost in one fun
house, it ruins your life.

(SCOFFS) Fun house.

Never has a place been
more incorrectly named.

She is not going to that
dance, and that's the end of it.

Okay, well, let's sit
down and discuss it.

And after, we can have nachos.

(MURMURS HAPPILY)

No, no, no, no, no.

No. I'm not going to
the chairs with you.

Every time we sit down
and discuss, I lose.

I don't know what you're
talking about, but I'd like to.

Hey, let's have a seat,

talk it out.

Not this time, sunshine.

This time, I'm gonna prep.

I'm going to the blackboard,
drawing some X's and O's,

and getting some plays ready.

- Yeah, well, that makes sense.
- Yeah.

You want to run any
of these plays by me?

Well, for starters,
Katie's... Oh, you're good.

I'm onto you now, though.

I'm never sitting down in here again.

I just don't think Katie
should date a senior.

But I'm oh for a thousand with Andi

when we sit down and
have these discussions.

I'm like that team that plays
the Harlem Globetrotters.

I'm trying to make a point,

and she's running circles around
me, bouncing balls off my head.

Our problem is wives
have more stamina than us.

We'd rather lose than listen.

And even if you win a point,
they keep coming at you,

like waves at the beach.

Blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah.

Mostly my marriage is fifty-fifty,

but when we have a
difference of opinion, I lose

because I go with my gut
and Andi goes with logic.

She can make a good
argument for any bad idea.

If you really want to win, I
know a trick from the old days.

It's called silent negotiation.

I've heard of that.

You let her talk first, but
then you don't say a word.

You just stare at her and wait her out.

She'll start talking in
circles, doubting herself.

Eventually she'll break
down like a Chinese Rolex.

Like the one you gave me for Christmas?

I went to see what time it was,

and all the numbers
just fell to the bottom.

I told you not to let the sun hit it!

I don't want Katie to go to the dance,

but this silent negotiation,
that's never gonna work.

I'm right about this.

My grandfather said "I do,"

then he didn't speak to
his wife again for years.

He got everything he wanted.

Here, I'll do it on Don.

- Hey, fellas.
- Hey.

Hey, Donny,

I need you to take your mother
to the fabric store tonight.

Sorry, Pop, but we've been over this.

It's not my responsibility
to run Mom around town.

I'm her son, not her
husband. I have my own life.

Come on, Pop, the fabric store?

Although, Mom is getting older.

Fine, I'll pick her up at : .

And that's how you do that.

Wow, look at him.

He's still trying to
figure out what happened,

like a bird that flew into a window.

Hello, darling.

I'm ready to

sit down and discuss this whole...

Katie situation.

Okay. I was born to discuss.

You should know, I don't
have any nacho stuff.

I'll take my chances. (CLEARS THROAT)

Ladies first.

Okay, here's how I see it.
Okay, Kate is very mature.

I mean, you've said that yourself,

so you're kind of arguing
against yourself here.

And... and the school has chaperones

watching the entire time,

thus removing any potential for danger.

Boom. Game, set, match.

Hit the showers, kid! Ha!

It's a school sanctioned event, Adam.

I mean, nothing will go wrong.

She's gonna be surrounded
by adults all night.

Except in the car.

Which is where boys get handsy.

And she's gonna be hanging
out with Danny's friends.

And older kids sneak
alcohol into dances.

You know what? You're right.
She shouldn't go to this thing.

It's a bad idea.

So we've reached an agreement?

I guess so, yeah.

Well, thanks for hearing me out.

I've heard stories of
women losing arguments

to their husbands; I just never thought

it'd happen to someone I knew.

What did he say that was so convincing?

Well, (SIGHS) he made
a lot of good points.

He said...

No, no, I said that.

But he did say that...

No, I said that, too.

Wait, come to think of
it, he didn't say anything.

Oh. He played the quiet game.

What?

It's a trick.

That's how I got engaged.

Rudy just wanted to shack
up, so I kept my mouth shut

until he came back with a
ring, and then a better ring.

So Adam played dirty.

(SCOFFS) I knew I wasn't wrong.

Kate should go to the dance.

First of all, you're never wrong.

And even if you're wrong,
you're still more right than him.

Yeah, well, I can play dirty, too.

Oh-ho-ho, just you watch.

How do I play dirty?

Well, he wanted to make
this decision, right?

I say pile it on, make
him pick everything.

Like the new color for the bathroom.

Oh, I can't let him do that.

He'll just paint a Van
Halen logo on the wall.

It won't even get that far.
Men hate these decisions.

What color, how many, thread count.

(GASPS) Thread count.

He doesn't even know what that is.

It'll drive him so crazy,

he'll eventually fold on
everything, including Kate.

And victory will be mine.

I mean, you know, we'll be
doing the right thing for Kate,

and that's what's important.

It was beautiful, Don. I
said nothing and she caved.

I wish I was wearing a body cam,

'cause that's a movie I would
watch every year on my birthday.

(CHUCKLES)

We should celebrate this win

by going fishing this weekend.

Ah, not so fast.

That silent negotiation,
that's bad voodoo.

I spent hours with Mom
at that fabric store.

Do you know how many kinds
of corduroy there are?

There's wide wale, pinwale,
pincord, needlecord.

I'm never gonna be the same.

Oh, here comes Katie. Hey, Katie.

Oh! So, the man who won't let
me go to the dance says hey.

Hi, Uncle Don, and nobody else.

Hi, Katie.

I like your needlecord pants.

Thanks, Uncle Don, and nobody else.

You see how mad she is?

That's how you know I won.

Oh, it's not over yet.

When you mess with Mother Nature,

there's always unintended consequences.

This is Jurassic Park
stuff you're screwing around with.

You just don't understand winning.

It's so unfamiliar, it scares you.

Hey, babe. Listen, uh,

Don and I were thinking about
going fishing this weekend.

Actually, I was hoping that
you'd go to the paint store

and choose a new color for the bathroom.

What? Why me?

Well, you know, you
were so right about Kate,

I realized you should be making
more decisions around here.

No, I shouldn't. What?

T. rex is out of the pen.

Also, um, look through these brochures

and choose a summer camp for the kids.

But I was gonna watch TV.
This stuff is your thing.

Well, now I'm gonna watch
TV. It's my new thing.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Um, can you pick us out a
new bed skirt? Great, thanks.

A bed skirt?

What the hell is a bed skirt?

I think we know who wears
the bed skirt in this family.

Look at all this. I got
to choose paint colors,

summer camps, some made up thing

called a bed skirt.

What the hell happened?

You messed with nature.

Now you got dinosaurs
running all over the island.

Yeah, I screwed up the whole
balance of our marriage.

Before this, she made a
billion decisions without me.

And I was happy because
I didn't have to chime in,

and she was happy because
she got to decide stuff

without some chump chiming in.

Amen, brother.

I haven't chimed in since .

I bought parachute pants.
(EXHALES) Learned my lesson.

Yeah, like I get up early on Saturdays

to close the drapes so we can sleep in.

But the drapes are there
because she picked them.

She never asked my opinion,
because I don't have one.

In fact,

g*n to my head, what
color are the drapes?

No idea.

But now your opinion's being respected.

Yeah, and I don't like it.

And all because I won one discussion.

So, then maybe you need
to have another discussion

and lose that one.

That'll put you back on the
bottom, where you belong.

Ooh, that's not a bad idea.

Yeah. Hey, you want me to lose a fight?

I'll lose a fight.
This guy's going down.

Now you sound like a real husband.

I don't think this is working.

I mean, Adam hasn't run back in here

telling me that Kate
should go to the dance.

You promised me total domination.

Just make sure you lose the
next discussion with Adam,

whatever it is, so you can keep
loading him up with decisions.

Okay, but if I end up with
a Van Halen logo on my wall,

you're painting over it.

Okay, Joy just left. It's time.

Okay, champ, you ready
to lose this thing?

Oh, yeah. I have got a
truly terrible argument.

- There's no way I can win.
- Ah, that's the spirit.

Now get in there and take
a dive, make us all proud.

Okay.

Hey.

Listen, I have something
I'd like to discuss.

Ooh, great. I'd love
to discuss something.

Okay, well, uh, I was thinking
about the kids' summer camp.

Whatever you're thinking
is right, I'm sure.

No, no, hold on. (CHUCKLES)

I was thinking they
shouldn't go to camp at all.

What?

Yeah. I mean, is it really a
good idea for kids to have fun?

Huh?

It'll just make being
an adult that much sadder

when they think back at all
the fun they used to have.

That is quite a theory.

Well, that's what happens
when I make decisions.

Plus, what are we gonna do for
two weeks with no kids, huh?

Take our own vacation? That's stupid.

That is stupid. (LAUGHS)

You're right again.

You always make such good decisions.

- No, I don't.
- Great job.

Speaking of which, Kate needs new bras.

Who needs new what, now? What?

Just get on the Internet
and see what you can find.

Teen girl bras?

I don't want to Google that.

We just grounded Teddy
for Googling that!

I never should've used that
stupid silent negotiation.

What were you thinking?

You told me to do it.

I told you what it was; I
didn't tell you to do it.

So, Andi was fine with the
kids staying home all summer?

Yeah.

She said I made some good points.

And I'll tell you something, I did not.

She's up to something.

I bet she knows you used a trick.

Maybe the reason nobody does it anymore

is because all the wives figured it out.

That's right. This is
why we stopped doing it.

It unravels marriages.

What?

They evolved, but we didn't.

Just like Jurassic Park.

Oh, will you, will you stop with that?

See a different movie.

Why? It explains everything.

(CHUCKLES)

You don't want me buying Katie's bras.

You're playing dirty.

You played dirty first.

No!

Yeah, you got me.

But, look, I'm already being punished.

I just want things to go back to normal.

You pick stuff, I watch TV.

I agree, that's how we work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How do we do that?

I guess we have to go
back to the beginning.

Back to where it all started.

Behind the Dumpster at Chili's?

No! We're never going back that far.

No, I'm talking about
Kate and the dance.

So, sit down and we can discuss it.

I still can't believe you guys
are letting me go to the dance.

Thank you so much.

Ah, we went to the chairs, and
the Globetrotters won again.

Oh, I forgot my phone.

I am back, baby.

And now we have a pink bathroom
in our house, that I love.

Oh, technically it's mauve.

I am thrilled to say I do not care.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

(GASPS) That must be Kate's date.

I don't know why, but
I'm feeling nachos.

Hey. What's up?

You're a giant.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Dad, your friend's here.

Is Kate ready?

Uh, Adam?

Yeah. Uh, hey, big guy.

Katie will be out in
a minute. Yeah, okay.

We can't let our daughter go out alone

with that-that lumberjack in a tux.

I mean, did you see him? He
filled up the whole doorway!

All right, all right.
Don't panic, don't panic.

Oh, okay. I'll go with them.

Yeah. Although, he looked pretty strong.

I wish I still had that bear spray.

Katie, your date's here!

- You'll go? Really?
- Yeah, sure. Absolutely, yeah.

Apparently, they don't have a problem

with grown men going to their dances.

You're the best.

Maybe later we can swing by Chili's.

Uh, okay. Uh, come on, we're going!

Wait, you're going, too?

Damn right I am. I call shotgun.

Chili's. You're so naughty.

(GIGGLES)

Hey. How'd it go?

I had a blast.

I thought Danny and
I kind of had a spark.

Yeah, you two were so cute
in the photo booth together.

Ah. You'll thank me someday.

(CHUCKLES)

No, she won't.

You didn't embarrass
her too bad, did you?

Embarrass her?

I won the dance contest.

(SPORTSCAST PLAYING OVER TV)

Oh! Oh!

(LAUGHS)

Now we're even.

Very funny. See you at prom!