02x14 - March Madness

[bunniefuu]

You guys are in for our March
Madness party this weekend, right?

Jen has to work, but she's preapproved

several party jokes for me to tell.

I have a fun one about

an elephant who doesn't
have to pack a bag

because he already has a...
You know what, I'll save it.

Oh. (SPUTTERS) I'll go

if you let me try out your
new heated toilet seat.

I've been waiting my whole life

for science to invent something useful.

No, I am not letting you up there.

You'll be on it all the
time, and I won't know

if the heat is from
the seat or from you.

(CAR HORN HONKS OUTSIDE)

Kids! Come on! Your ride's here!

Bye!

- Bye-bye.
- See ya.

- Love you.
- Bye. Love you, too.

All right, have a great day.

- Bye? Wh-What's happening?
- (DOOR CLOSES)

Where are my babies going?

To school. Yeah, I got them in a carpool

with what's-her-name,
that mom with the husky kid

that always wears the velour tracksuits.

We call him Tiny Soprano. (CHUCKLES)

And why can't you drive them anymore?

Because I have to leave the office early

to do afternoon pickup, and
as soon as I walk out the door,

Don goes to the dog track.

I do do that.

I didn't think he knew it.

Well, we're all learning things today.

Mm. Yeah.

A carpool would make
my life so much easier.

Well, we should get to work.

Unless you'd allow me
a few minutes upstairs

on your new hot potty.

No way.

Only one king sits on that throne.

Yeah, uh, honey, I'm not
so sure about a carpool.

Okay? I mean, how will I know
if the kids get home safe?

I don't get home until : .

That gives the kidnappers
a two-hour head start.

Morning, guys.

Perfect timing. Look, I know all about

your unreasonable fear of kidnappers.

That's why Rudy's here, okay?

I got him to hook us
up with some cameras.

He does security at the stadium.

- I like this.
- Yeah, yeah.

The Steelers are way more
valuable than our kids.

And so far, not one of
them has been kidnapped.

ANDI: So, with the cameras,

I'll know if the kids get home safe.

I am finding this practical,
organized side of you

very attractive.

Well, buckle up, baby,

because you can watch all of
the footage from the cameras

on your iPad.

Now, how does the footage get
from the cameras to your iPad?

Don't ask Rudy, because he'll tell ya,

and it's very boring.

Yeah, it is.

You know, a lot of people

like to say that nerds are cool again,

but we're not.

Anyways, I put one camera

over your front door

and one on the garage
facing the back door.

Where would you like the last one?

Uh... (GASPS) Let's put
it in the living room.

Yeah. Yeah, then I can figure
out which one of the kids

been eating my M&M'S
and stuffing the wrappers

in the couch cushions. Huh?

Or we could make sure
they're doing their homework

so they can go to college.

- And afford their own M&M'S.
- Sure!

Okay, well,

I'll recheck everything
in a couple of days.

If you're not home, I'll just
use the key behind your planter.

How do you know about that?

Because I'm in security.

It's my job to know these things.

Also, you told me.

But mainly it's because I'm in security.

Uh, listen, thanks so much
for all your help, Rudy.

Oh, sure thing. You know,
actually, I should get going.

Joy's out of town for the week,

and I bought a giant ham
for dinner. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, we're gonna have

a session.

I'm sorry, wh...

why can't you eat
that when Joy's around?

(SIGHS) Because I like it
too much and she gets jealous.

"Why don't you put that
ham down and come over here

and snuggle with me?"

That's all I hear.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

Hmm. You know, in a weird way,

that was a very sweet story.

Yeah, um, he...

he's gonna eat the ham, right?

Hey. So, you'll never guess what I saw

the kids doing today on the cameras.

Were they eating my M&M'S?

Sorry, babe, that-that
case remains unsolved.

They just came home and
started doing their homework

without anybody telling them to.

What?

We're the greatest parents in
the world, and it's on video.

Oh. Let me check the back
door footage. I, uh...

I think a raccoon's been
digging up our flowers,

and I don't want to
accuse him without proof.

Otherwise, I'll look like an idiot.

Well, yeah.

Oh, look. (CHUCKLES)

You can see me doing dishes
in the kitchen window.

- Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES)

- Uh-oh.
- Huh?

Was this after the kids
went to bed last night?

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Am I about to come up behind you?

BOTH: Oh, no!

(BOTH GASP)

Oh!

We accidentally made an S-E-X tape!

And here we go.

Oh...

Huh.

Not bad.

(CHUCKLES) Not bad yourself.

I was talking about me.

Oh, okay, let's start
it from the beginning.

I want to watch it when I'm not scared.

(CHUCKLES)

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Hey, honey.

How's it going, movie star?

(CHUCKLES) Well, it's not
as exciting as last night,

Best Supporting Actor.

Supporting Actor?

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

At one point, I did have to support you.

Any-Anyway,

I left a present for you.
Check your downloaded videos.

Huh?

(GASPS)

(QUIETLY): Our secret
video? You saved it?

I thought you might like it.

Well, meet me at home for lunch.

I'll show you exactly
how I feel about it.

I can't wait. (CHUCKLES)

Hold on, hold on.

Are we gonna do what
I think we're gonna do?

'Cause I don't want to skip
lunch just to get yelled at.

(DOOR OPENS)

Ah, there she is.

Huh? I'm a big fan.
I've seen all your movie.

(LAUGHS)

- Okay, let's go.
- I can't believe this worked.

Well, it did. But
after, delete this video.

Or, or we have a few cameras.

We could do a whole series.
You love to binge watch.

Okay the more you talk about
this, the less it's working.

Okay, okay, you're right.
I promise I'll delete it.

Let's keep this train moving.

- Okay.
- Choo-choo!

You're right, I'll save the
train noises for the bedroom.

Oh...

Uh, where's Mom's iPad?

Uh, none of you guys have it, do ya?

'Cause private stuff on there.

I mean, like, taxes, and...

other grown-up words.

Grandma came by and borrowed it.

Grandma has it?

She said she was playing a
mean game of Words With Friends

and broke hers.

When did this happen? Where was I?

Upstairs with your new toilet seat.

(SCOFFS)

- Okay, Andi...
- Hey.

How are my perfect angels?

Y-You're talking to us?

Uh, Andi, I-I need a word.

It's about the special
present on your iPad.

Oh, what present? I want to see!

No, you don't. You'll never be the same.

What's wrong?

Okay. You are gonna
love this. (CHUCKLES)

Remember that time you
told me to get milk,

but I didn't?

Well, we have a similar
situation here, okay?

But the milk is our naked bodies.

And my mom has the milk.

Wait, what?

My mom took your iPad.

Well, you deleted the video, right?

Yes, yes. I pulled you
out here on the porch

to tell you everything's fine.

How could you not delete the video?

I-I thought it'd be fun to put
some music under it, you know?

Like... like, uh...
like Chariots of Fire,

or "For Those About to Rock"

You know, pretty spicy, right?

Spicy? What... Where
are you getting this?

I was at the dentist last week,

reading one of those women's magazines,

and there was an article about
keeping relationships spicy.

And one of the things it said was,

"Don't be afraid to
surprise your partner"

So, surprise!

Okay, honey, I have told you,

those women's magazines are not for you.

Okay?

Those ideas, they go
inside your man brain

and they bang around in
there, and then... and then

they come out all naked and dirty.

I didn't hear you complaining
by the kitchen sink.

- Adam!
- What?

We have to get that
video back right now.

Okay, okay. I was just
trying to spice things up.

And you got to admit,
for a minute, it worked.

Well, it was definitely
more than a minute, but...

that's just a figure of speech.

I don't have to tell
you. You were there. Okay.

Hey, uh, where's Mom?

She's right...

Oh. I guess she went out.

I'm watching soap operas for no reason.

Uh, have you seen my iPad?

She borrowed it, and we need it back.

Oh. Well, here you go.

No, no, an iPad.

That's a pad. I gave it
to you. Now it's your pad.

No, it-it's like a little computer.

It's more of a tablet.

Like the Ten Commandments?

This could take years.

It's that square thing
she's always yelling at.

- Oh, that.
- Mm.

Well, hers broke, so she borrowed yours.

We know.

That's where we started.

Well, then, give me
that back. It's my pad.

(GROANS)

Just... (CHUCKLES) tell
us where the computer is.

Well, she gave it to Don

so Don could give it
back to you at work.

- Don?
- Great.

If he has it, they're probably already

selling it at truck stops. Come on.

Don! Don! Uh...

Oh, no, no, he's not here.

He went over to Rudy's to visit a ham.

I don't ask questions anymore.

Um, did he leave my iPad by any chance?

Oh, yes, it's right here.

Oh, thank God.

I do not enjoy tiny computers.
They make me feel like a giant.

(CHUCKLES)

No, no, no. This-this isn't mine.

- That's Lowell's.
- Lowell was here earlier.

I guess they got them
mixed up, and he took yours.

Lowell? That's worse than Don.

I'm his hero.

Nobody wants to see
Superman without his cape!

Or his underwear.

Lowell? (CLEARS THROAT)

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. (CHUCKLES)

Hey.

Oh, uh, i-is Lowell here?

Uh, no, he's not here. I'm
Heather. I'm the new nanny.

Outstanding. Uh,
listen, if you're looking

for some extra work, I got
some gutters at my place...

All right, all right, all right.

Uh, we're Lowell's
friends, Adam and Andi,

and he has my iPad. H-Have you seen it?

Oh, yes, he took it with him to the gym.

He said he'd bring it by your party.

That's not good enough. I need it now!

She-she just really
needs her computer, okay?

She's an online gambler. Yeah.

And we don't like to talk
about it. It's very painful.

Okay. Thank you. Bye-bye.

We have to call Lowell
and track him down.

Okay? O-Or...

or we could report his car stolen,

let the cops do the work for us.

We'll just get it at the party.

We don't need to panic. Okay?

We're married, and we have children.

The secret's out that we
like to bow-chicka-bow-bow.

Okay, but word about this
video will spread, all right?

It'll be the thing that
we become known for.

I mean, people will read my
obituary, and they'll say,

"Aw, Sex Tape Andi d*ed.

Yeah, and she's survived by
her husband, Sex Tape Adam."

I don't want to be Sex Tape Adam.

Who's gonna marry Sex Tape Adam?

You're getting married already?

You just told me you're dead.

If you don't find my iPad,

I'm gonna be known as
k*lled Her Husband Andi.

Let's go.

(SPORTSCAST PLAYING, EXCITED SHOUTING)

- Yes!
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh! That's Lowell.
Get it, get it, get it.

Okay.

Rudy. Hey...

Oh. Boy, you don't look so good.

I need you to take my ham.

I have no self-control without Joy.

I ate so much that I
went up a sock size.

I-I'll put it in the fridge for you.

Uh, no... that's okay. I'll do it.

She likes the middle shelf.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh.

Lowell. H-Hey.

Come on in, buddy.

I'm marching in, ready for madness.

(LAUGHS) Give me that.

(CHUCKLES)

Listen, you have got to tell
people when you get a new nanny.

I made an ass of myself.

All right, eat something. Okay.

I'm gonna miss you, baby.

Okay, you dodged a serious
b*llet here, mister.

Now delete this video

- so I can sleep in peace.
- Okay. Right, right, right, right.

- (SIGHS)
- What...

Why'd you pause it halfway through?

My best moves are at the end.

Wha... What? No, I-I
didn't watch any of it.

No, uh, see? The video's been played,

and then paused in the middle.

That means someone else watched it.

Someone... in there.

Maybe I should have just
driven the kids to school.

You think?

Okay. Your mom, Don and
Lowell, they all had my iPad.

Any one of them could've
watched our movie.

Well, maybe they didn't know it was us.

Adam, you named the file
"Andi Does Dishes and More"

O-okay, here's what we do: we split up

and find out who watched it, then...

we come up with a real plan.

I'm in. Yeah, uh...

Which one us has to talk to your mom?

- Not it.
- Not it! Dang it!

Ah.

Yeah. I'm quick. (IMITATES g*nsh*t)

Talk to my mother.

So, Lowell.

(CHUCKLES): I have seen
some crazy stuff on iPads.

Now you say something.

I like that shirt, Bev. (CHUCKLES)

Did you buy it on the iPad?

If you're talking about your iPad,

I only have one thing to say.

What I saw on there was
deeply disappointing.

BEV: I know what you're getting at,

and I don't want to talk about it.

I'm embarrassed enough as it is.

Andi!

Adam!

Lowell definitely watched it.

Well, your mom watched it, too.

- Wha...
- Yeah.

I think she no longer
thinks my meat loaf

is the worst thing I've
ever done in the kitchen.

(SCOFFS)

What are you guys doing in here?

Nothing! W-We've never
done anything here,

especially by the sink.

You're avoiding me, aren't you?

Look, we all know what
was on that computer.

It's natural, it's human,
and yes, it was hot.

Congratulations to you both.

They all watched it!

And my brother liked it.

Oh, they're probably in there
talking about it right now.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, okay, okay, no, no,
they're-they're not talking.

(CHUCKLES): They're laughing.

Andi, they're not
talking, they're laughing!

Okay, well, y-you got to go
in there and-and clear the air.

Otherwise, every time
we hear them laugh,

we'll know they're laughing at you.

Wha...?

Uh, what do you mean, laughing at me?

Oh, it's ju... it's just, you know,

you're so serious on the video.

You know? It's like,
I'm having a good time,

and-and you look like you're
trying to land a plane.

I need Joy to come home.

Without her, I overeat,
I don't do laundry.

I'm wearing a bathing suit as underwear.

Voice of experience: when
you run out of swim trunks,

you'll start dipping into her underwear.

That's when it gets weird.

(TV TURNS OFF)

- Whoa, whoa!
- Hey!

All right, all right,
listen up, listen up. Um...

Love is complicated, so
sometimes you have to do

some pretty crazy stuff to
keep things spicy, am I right?

I think this is how
swinger parties start.

I'm gonna move slowly towards the door

and try not to look sexy.

Lowell, it's not a swinger party.

My parents are here.

Okay, look,

big deal, we made a sex tape.

You-you what?

We know you saw it, Ma.

I didn't see anything.

But I'm sure you were great, honey.

Wha...? W-Why did you tell
me you were embarrassed

to talk about my iPad?

'Cause I spilled coffee
on it, thought I broke it.

Oh. Well, unfortunately, you didn't.

It still plays fine.

Why are you telling us all this?

Because you saw it.

You said you were disappointed.

Andi was doing the best she could.

I was disappointed because
I read in your e-mails

that you invited Don to
your March Madness party

a full week before me.

You went through my e-mails?

Hey, I'm not on trial here!

You're the ones with the sex tape.

All right, I-I know
Don definitely saw it.

Well, first of all,

thank you for such a
delightful and moving speech.

But...

I have not seen the film in question.

You said it was hot.

I was talking about
your heated toilet seat.

Rudy told me you put in
cameras so I thought you saw me

when I stopped by for a test
drive when you weren't there.

Little tip: don't
turn it up to ten. Oof.

Okay, so n-nobody knew about the video,

but now you do, because
we just told you.

(CHUCKLES) Look at Sex Tape
Andi trying to put it together.

I told you they'd call
us that! I told you.

JOE: Don't be ashamed, son.

Your mom and I, we-we made a
Super back in the ' s, huh?

We enjoyed it.

We had some good times with
it, until I accidentally sold it

at a yard sale.

- Best cents that guy ever spent.
- Yeah.

Hey, so if nobody watched the video,

why was it paused halfway through?

(SCOFFS) I don't know why anyone
would pause that masterpiece.

It was probably a glitch.

A glitch? Is that a thing?

I'd like to think so. Yeah.

(STAMMERS) You know, it doesn't matter.

It's deleted.

(SIGHS)

But I will never delete it... from here.

(LAUGHS)

So, um, do you really think
we need to spice things up?

I mean, I thought we
were pretty spicy already.

Uh, we are, yeah, but there's
no such thing as too spicy.

Huh? I mean, I only have two moves:

The Go Fast and the Catch My Breath.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- ADAM: Hey, Rudy. How's it going?
- Hey, guys.

Not too good.

I don't even have a fitted
sheet on my bed anymore.

I've hit rock bottom,

and I thought, "You know
what would be great down here?

Some ham."

Hey, uh...

Buddy, I-I don't think we can

give this back; you got a
bit of a self-control issue.

I have a self-control issue?

You won't even let
your wife do the dishes

without jumping her bones.

(GASPS)

You watched it?

And it was you who paused it.

Why would you pause it?

That's not important. Go ahead, honey.

Well, h-how did you see it?

Well, I came by to check
on the security system,

and I opened your iPad
and up popped the video

of you two getting freaky.

Swinging a towel, and...

- bubbles flying everywhere...
- ANDI: Okay, okay.

- That's enough.
- Yeah, that towel thing

just kind of came to me in the moment.

Yeah.

I can't believe this happened.

So, anyways,

I paused it... sorry...

and then I left. I
wouldn't have said anything,

but you guys started ham-shaming me.

Okay, I-I'll tell you what.

We'll give you this back

if you swear to never
speak of that video again.

Don't worry, everything
that happened this week,

I am taking to the grave.

Which could be pretty soon,

because my heart is
b*ating twice as fast now.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Well, there goes a man

- who's gonna wake up next to a ham.
- Oh.