02x17 - King for a Day

[bunniefuu]

Good job on your chores.
Emme, that's for you.

Teddy, that's for you.

Two dollars?

That's less than I pay
Emme to do my chores for me.

Ah!

Not so fast.

You still have one more chore.

Fine.

(GIGGLES)

Okay, paying for a hug

doesn't make it any less special!

Hey.

So, that Halloween store downtown

is going out of business.

And you know how I love a good deal.

- Right?
- Mm.

So I got this for Emme.

Huh?

Princess dress

for my little princess.

Huh?

Look, it's sweet of
you to think of Emme,

but you can't give that to her.

What? Why not?

Because princess stories
are just a bad influence

on little girls, you know?

It teaches 'em stuff like
you need a man to save you.

Who told you that?

Was it Beyoncé? 'Cause I know

she's got some mysterious hold on you.

No, no, no. Think about it, okay?

In Beauty and the Beast,
that girl was just a hostage.

Yeah. She had Stockholm syndrome.

And-and in Sleeping Beauty, uh,

she marries the first
guy that kisses her

because she got roofied.

What kind of message

do you think that dress sends to Emme?

"I love you and I got you a present."

It's just, I've been working for years

to keep that stuff out of the house.

I mean, when Kate was little
and she wanted a princess dress,

I told her she was allergic to glitter.

- I didn't know you were doing that.
- Yeah, it's how I keep

the kids from doing things
that are bad for them.

I call it my protective love bubble.

Your what bubble?

My love bubble.

You know, little white lies
that are for their own good.

Oh. Hey, I'm not opposed
to lying to our children.

Great. So we're agreed.

No, no.

I don't think these dresses are bad.

You kept princesses away from Katie,

and... let's be honest...
she's kind of a frowner.

No, she's not.

I happen to know you pay her for hugs.

Emme's my last one.

I want a smiler.

I want a huggy smiler.

- I'm taking that dress back.
- No, you're not.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

We've been in this situation before,

and it usually doesn't end well for you.

You... you may recall I have
a few tricks up my sleeve.

Uh-huh. Like your lie balloon?

It's a protective love bubble.

Well, I'm popping it.

Bubble time is over.

Emme, put down those
gender-neutral toys!

Daddy got you something sparkly!

A toast to Princess Emme.

Who got you that pretty dress?

You did.

That's right. Daddy did.

And who loved it so much she
wore it to bed last night?

- I did.
- That's right.

Mommy's face was so funny.

Hey, guys.

ADAM: There she is.

Don't mind us.

We're just having another
princess tea party.

There's Mommy's funny face again.

Emme, honey, um,

I hate to pull you
away from all this fun,

but, um,

I got you a new doll.

- (GASPS)
- Yeah. And I think you are gonna love her

even more than you love your dress.

Who is it? Cinderella?

Snow White?

No. E-Even better.

Supreme Court Justice
Ruth Bader Ginsburg!

Oh, Andi.

Why does this man have a girl name?

No, it's a girl.

She just has more important
things to do than fix her hair.

Where are her sparkles?

On her brain.

Yeah.

Ruth here has done

a lot of important work for our country.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

What?

Well, you're such an expert
on her accomplishments.

We'd like to hear a few.

Let's see what happens.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

One of her accomplishments is
that she doesn't have a husband

that asks too many questions.

Thanks, Mommy. I love her.

Oh. Really?

She can be the witch who
puts a curse on the princess!

No, no! She's not a witch!

She's a judge who's famous for...

She's famous for...

(GROANS) I should've kept the box.

It was all on the box!

(SIGHS)

And Adam lived happily ever after.

Check out what happened
to Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

She went upstairs in her judge's robe,

and she came back down in a coconut bra.

(CHUCKLES)

Aw,

man.

Emme glittered Ginsburg?

I don't mind seeing
Ruth cut loose a little.

This is what happens
when you bring princesses

into our house.

They bully the smart girls.

This dinner took an odd turn.

- Hit 'em with the dessert we brought, Don
- Ooh.

Bear claws.

The tastiest of all claws.

Ah, I haven't had one of these

since Zellner's Bakery closed down.

Oh, no, no, it's not closed;
that's where we got them.

What?

You told me they went out of business.

No, I didn't.

Mm-mm.

You know, that seems like something

you might've dreamed. Yeah.

Ah, y-you do dream
about bakeries a lot.

Like you're trapped, and
have to eat your way out?

I had that one.

No, no, I'm pretty sure this was real.

Why would you say it
was closed if it wasn't?

Eh, I guess I can tell you now.

It's just, e-every weekend,
you'd make yourself sick

by eating too many bear claws.

You'd swear not to do it again,

but then, the next weekend,
you'd be right back on the claw.

But they made me happy
when they were in my mouth.

Honey...

it was just a little white
lie, for your own good.

ADAM: But that's what you do

to the kids. (CHUCKLES) I...

(GASPS)

You put me in your lie balloon.

It's a love bubble.

And who wouldn't want
to be surrounded by love?

Okay, just because
you put the word "love"

in front of something
doesn't make it good.

"Love m*rder" is still m*rder.

Well, at least "love
bubble" is a fun name.

Marcy does the same thing
to me, but she just calls it

"take it or leave it""

I had it engraved on the
inside of his wedding band.

Mm-hmm.

Right. I make my own decisions

about what's good for me...
Even if it's bad for me.

I'm an American man, that's what we do.

(SIGHS) Adam, relax.

You guys are diamonds,

and we love you.

But what makes a diamond?

A chunk of coal under constant pressure.

DON: I did just fine

for years without your help.

- I did.
- Oh, please. Without me, you'd still be

living in that sad
apartment where I found you.

- Hey, that was my groovy bachelor pad.
- Ugh.

I put up some respectable
numbers in there.

When I first met Adam,

everything he wore had the
name of a sports team on it.

His whole wardrobe
looked like it got sh*t

out of a T-shirt cannon.

That's not true.

My... I had that one,
it looked like a tuxedo.

Remember?

I wore it to your cousin's wedding.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Remember?

It took me six Christmases

to gently replace every
shirt in Adam's drawer.

Oh, I remember. Every time we'd
come to dinner, I'd smuggle out

some of your old T-shirts in my coat.

(LAUGHS)

Was that what it was?

I just thought after you ate,
your stomach got real big,

like a snake.

I love you.

You told me the washing
machine ripped them.

Mm, washing machine, garbage
truck, me and my scissors,

- something ripped them.
- (MARCY LAUGHS)

So, first the bear claws,

now the T-shirts; that's two.

Is there anything else?

No.

That's a yes.

What is it? What are you hiding?

(GASPS) Hey.

Who wants a bear claw?

Me, for the last seven years.

ADAM: I know

there's something big
Andi's keeping from me,

'cause she's clammed up, like a... a...

- Clam?
- Yes.

You've got to put a stop to this.

I didn't, and look at me.

I haven't had a sweater
with sleeves on it

since my wedding day.

Where did my sleeves go?

I don't know, my wife won't tell me.

Look, I am gonna figure out
what she's been hiding, because

there is no love bubble big
enough to contain Adam Burns.

You're doing God's work, brother.

- Ha.
- LOWELL: Okay, so think.

What are some big
things that you've wanted

that Andi has said no to?

Well, uh, I've always
wanted a grill for the patio,

but Andi said it wouldn't fit.

I bet that's it.

Women are anti-grill.

They don't like anything we can
do while we're drinking beer.

No, no, I measured
the patio; she's right.

Oh, she's good. She's
peppering the lies with truth

to create maximum confusion.

Okay, so what else?

Well, who knows what she's hiding?

We've been married years.

We both hide lots of stuff.

I got a hollowed out
book just for M&M's.

Stay focused.

You're doing work for all men, here.

You need to crawl up out of the swamp,

and tell us what fresh air smells like.

Okay, uh, well, she knows
I've always wanted a recliner,

but obviously, I can't
have one of those,

because over half of
childhood broken bones

come from recliners. Ha.

Maybe I should remeasure the patio.

Back up. What was that
thing about recliners?

Yeah, that's what Andi told me.

She saw it on the news.

It's true, over half of all...

Uh-uh.

What? No, no, really. Seriously.

If you... when you pull the lever,

your arm could get caught...

Nope.

But don't those things sh**t
kids right across the...

It's not a rocket, it's a chair.

I can't believe this.

Why would she lie about a chair?

Why wouldn't she lie about a chair?

That's what you need
to be asking yourself.

Oh. So it's the recliner?

She has been keeping me
needlessly upright for years.

Men came down from the trees.

We started walking and
then we started reclining.

Andi's messing with evolution.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know, but I
need one of those chairs,

because if I'm like
this, I'm uncomfortable.

If I'm like this, I'm asleep.

This is where I need to be.

This is the sweet spot.

Hello, darling.

Uh-oh.

Yup.

I'm in the sweet spot.

Ah...

I didn't think you'd figure it out.

You give me years, I
can figure anything out.

So, recliners cause over half
of childhood broken bones, huh?

Okay, I may have rounded it up.

Or made it up.

The point is it was up and when
things are up, they're good.

That's the rule of up.

Look, okay.

Let me give you a real statistic.

This is where I'm gonna be
spending over half of my time,

eating over half of my meals

and believing less than
half of what you say.

Let's not make a big deal out of this.

Oh, I'm gonna.

I've never been on the
not-lying side of a lie before.



I am gonna enjoy this.

I guess you deserve that.

Oh, I do. Yeah.

Because you know what I was thinking,

sitting in the warm embrace
of my Pittsburgh spirit chair?

And, yes, that's what we're calling it.

Why would you lie about a recliner?

How is that part of the
protective love bubble?

Well, I was protecting you

from bringing that ugly
chair into my living room.

Ah. So this was for you, not me.

Yes. You caught me.

Ah-ha! I caught you.

Yeah, I just said that.

I know. I had it in the chamber.

I was gonna say it no matter what.

Honey, the love bubble
started out innocently.

Right? I-I'd tell the
kids not to do something

and then they keep
asking, "Why? Why? Why?"

It was just easier to tell a little fib.

Mm-hmm.

But-but then I used it on you

and-and-and my love
bubble became a...

Lie balloon.

Just like I said. Ah-ha again.

And you were right and I'm really sorry.

What?

You were right and I'm sorry.

Okay, I don't know what to say

because I never thought
this would happen.

Well, it's happening.

I don't buy it. You're up to something.

What, do you think I'm lying?

After a multiyear recliner conspiracy,

I tend to be a little skeptical.

I got my eye on you.

Ah, damn. I should've
sprung for the swiveler.

- Andi said she was sorry?
- Yup.

Like she's sorry she married you?

No, no, but something's...
something's definitely fishy.

She said I was right.

That's not the woman I married.

I bet she's buying time to regroup.

Has she done anything else suspicious?

Yeah. Yeah, she said she
felt so bad that her and Marcy

went all the way across town to Tony's

to get my favorite pizza for dinner.

That's a diversion.

There's definitely
gonna be a counterattack.

Although I do hope she got breadsticks.

It's gonna take more than
great pizza to fool me.

That's right.

But all bets are off if
she got the breadsticks.

Okay. Okay.

Uh-huh. (STAMMERS)

O-Okay. Uh, can you hold
on just for one second?

The principal from Emme's
school is on the phone.

Emme's been kissing boys.

What? I don't want my baby doing that.

Yeah, well, apparently,
she's been looking

for her Prince Charming, thanks
to your little princess kick.

(LAUGHS) You're good.

I see what's happening here.

I thought you'd come after the recliner,

but you're doing an end run
all the way back to princesses.

(CHUCKLES)

What?

Got to admire the technique.

Yeah. So what's your game, huh?

I'm supposed to feel so bad about Emme

that I give up my recliner? Hmm?

Is that it? Is that it?

Adam, I have a job and three children.

I don't have time to be a
criminal mastermind. Okay?

I'm-I'm telling you that Emme's
principal is on the phone.

Oh, sure. The old fake phone call.

Yeah, well, the kid is one step
ahead of you this time, huh?

What do you think, Don?

It's the sauce. That's the secret.

It's Marcy on the phone, isn't it?

Huh? Where's she hiding?

Upstairs? In the pantry?

Okay.

Yeah. This is Adam Burns.

Let me tell you something.

My daughter can kiss whoever she wants.

In fact, maybe I'll come down there

and give you a big kiss,
too, Principal Marcy.

Who's he talking to?

(WHISPERING): It's for you.

Nope. Mm-mm.

Hi.

Uh-huh.

We'll be there first
thing in the morning.

Yes, ma'am, I do need
to work on my attitude.

You want to tell me
what just happened here?

(LAUGHING): It's funny because I thought

you were doing something,

but you were actually just being honest.

I hide M&M's in a book.

I guess we got ourselves worked
up for nothing out there, huh?

Ah, what are you gonna do, right?

Although, after your
behavior on the phone,

I shouldn't be too surprised
about your daughter.

And I'll tell you something else.

Kissing boys is a perfect example

of why we discourage these
ridiculous princess obsessions.

Stop looking at me.

You're making my ear hot.

All right, listen.

We need to go in
together and talk to Emme

about this boy-kissing business. Okay?

Now, I know we both made some mistakes.

Well, I made a mistake and then
you made a much bigger mistake.

(MUTTERS) The important thing is

that when we talk to Emme we
do it bubble-free. No lies.

Agreed. But it's a shame, you know?

I mean, the bubble and I had a good run.

- (CHUCKLES DARKLY)
- Oh. Um...

well, I should tell you
that guys in t*nk tops

don't really get more speeding tickets.

(GASPS) I knew it.

Summer can't come fast enough.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, Emme. Uh...

we talked to your principal today and...

it's not okay to kiss boys.

But I was just looking for my prince.

I know, honey.

But those princess stories,

they're-they're just made-up.

You can't act like that in real life.

Why?

Because little girls are strong, too,

and it's better if
they stand on their own.

Why?

Because it's a big
world out there, okay?

And the only thing that
you can really depend on

is your own self-respect.

Why?

Because Snow White called

and said you were being
too cute in your dress

and made her look bad.

- That makes sense.
- Mm.

Welcome back to the bubble.

How about this?

You get rid of the chair

and I'll talk to Teddy
about using deodorant.

Doesn't bother me.

His smell is just my
smell on a little kid.

Okay, how about this?

You and I can have sex, lots of sex.

Already having it. You
like it as much as me.

Try again.

(GASPS) I got it.

You get rid of the chair, I'll
move the furniture off the patio

and you can put in
a big built-in grill.

Huh?

- Deal.
- Ah.

(CHUCKLES)

So, uh, what are you
gonna do with the chair?

Well, I'll just

put it out on the curb and
hope it finds a good home.

(SCOFFS) What kind of
nitwit would take that?

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) There's the sweet spot.

No.

Okay, I'll give up the
recliner if you agree...

Honey, it's me or the chair.

I'm gonna miss you, baby.

Don.

I was talking to the chair.

Ugh.

I wasn't talking to you.