04x05 - To Lure a Squirrel

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Sweetheart!

Good morning, my little baby!

Good morning, Sweetie.

Oh!

How did you sleep?

Did you have good dreams? I bet you...

Jesus Christ, Roger!
Why didn't you close the door?

It all happened so very quickly, Kate.

Disgusting.

Aren't you trying to teach your kids
how to use the potty, hm?

It'd be helpful to see a big
boy doing his thing, hey?

Hello there, sweetie, hello!

Ah... boy.

Charlie, you want some peanut
butter on your toast, honey?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?

He can do it on his own, right?

- Nothing wrong with him, hey?
- He's only four.

Yeah, so?

Wanna try it, hey, Charlie?
Like a big boy, huh?

Come on, show them.

That's it, come on, Charlie,
you can do it. Uh-oh!

All right, you know what,
just give me this. Just let...

- Just stop it!
- But-but... No, no, no!

Will you just give him a chance?

You know,
you'll break my heart if he grows up

- to be a little p*ssy.
- Excuse me?

Is that a nice thing to say
about your grandson?

I'm sorry, but it's out of love.

At some point he's gonna have
to learn to do things on his own.

You better watch it,
or before you know it,

you'll be spreadin' his 40-year
old ass cheeks to wipe his ass.

Alright, you know what?
That is enough, Roger.

Thank you. Nathan, sidebar?

Yes. Yep.

- Unbelievable.
- Good job.

- I knew it. Unbelievable.
- There is nothing wrong...

At the risk of sounding dramatic,
I am in hell here.

I know, I know,
we've gotta get them outta here.

Like, yesterday!
What is the plan, Foster?

I've done some research,
and I've looked into some options

for community living.

Community living, what, like, a home?

More like a nice place
for seniors to argue

amongst themselves. Far away from us.

Well, they can't afford that,
and neither can we.

Oh, crap.

See? p*ssy.

- We'll get the money.
- I will sell my hair.

- You're up early.
- Yeah, I got promoted.

To line cook.

The stupid dishes can wash themselves.

That's great.

So when are you gonna
come by the restaurant?

How's today?

I was actually trying to
find a place to take Sean,

the donor dad, for lunch.

Well, this place is pure class.

You know, people tuck in their shirts,

they frickin' shake hands after meals,

they got folders.

- That sounds awesome.
- What's the occasion?

Just taking some matters
into my own hands.

Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can.

Bye.

Is that my best friend, Charlie?

Oh hey, Forrest.

Seriously, he's my best friend.

He understands me, and you know what,

- he doesn't judge me.
- That's very sweet,

but I'm actually in a rush.
Do you mind just taking him?

- Yeah.
- That would be great.

Come on buddy, we're late!
Let's go make some pottery.

So much fun! Bye, guys!

Bye, Charlie, have a good day, honey!

- No way.
- Way.

Just a couple of parents

dropping off their kids at camp, huh?

So how's it going at the shop, Kate?

- Good!
- Mhmm?

You know, a little chaotic,
a little more work

than I can stay on top of,
if I'm being honest,

but, you know,
a bit of a one-woman show.

- vag*na monologue, starring me.
- Oh, good lord.

Sorry about that. Um, I just...

could really use some help.

Someone like you. You free?

No seriously, are you free?

Are you really trying to
offer me a job like this?

I mean, what would you say if it was?

I'd say it was poorly thought out,
and unprofessional.

Sure, no, that makes sense. A mistake.

Well, it was good to see you, Kate.

You, too.

Choo choo, Carlson!

Hey Alice,
when are you gonna train next?

You uh, you training for something?

Please drive.

All aboard!

Are they making fun of my car?

Or was-or was that sexual?

Hey! That better not have been sexual!

- Or about my car!
- Dad, please, let's go.

Yeah.

Okay, could you please set the table,

and I'm gonna go get her bath started.

What's for lunch?

I don't know,
but seeing plates on the table

will pressure me into a decision.

sh*t! sh*t!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I wanted to invite you here today to...

apologize for occasionally

being possessive of Bianca.

We're navigating uncharted waters,
you know?

Well, no, I totally get it.

It's weird. The whole thing is weird.

- It's okay.
- Yeah.

Ah sorry, would you excuse me
for just one second?

- Yeah.
- I'll be right back.

Okay.

Oh sh*t, you really came!

You can't be back here, though.

Don't want one of your long-ass
hairs in the bouillabaisse.

Okay, see that busboy?

He just took Sean's glass off the table,
I need you to get it for me!

I can get you a clean glass, you weirdo.

No, no, no, no, no!
I'm trying to collect his DNA.

Why?

I don't think he's
really Solomon's father.

If he's a bullshit artist,

I'm gonna prove it. With science!

Bro, say no more, I got you.

- Really?
- Sit down. I got you.

So how's your daughter doing?

- It's Rhonda, right?
- Um.

Yes, that's-that's right.

How old is she again?

Ah, ah.

You know,
children are just such a blessing.

And can I say what an honor it is

to help bring some more into the world.

It's Rhoda, actually,
and she's... she's four.

She's four and a half.

Oh, Rhoda.

Aaaah!

Suck it!

Su...

What the hell just happened?

That's weird, it's not turning on.

- Is it charged?
- Yeah, it's plugged in.

Oh, there we go.

"Welcome, set up your new computer?"

What the f*ck?

- Where are my files?
- I'm sure it's fine.

Something happened.

Did you touch my computer?

Alice.

Where is my book?

Did you save it to the cloud?

No, I didn't save it
to any kind of a cloud!

Alice, please tell me
you know where my book is.

I'll eat cold food for a year.

I'll never leave the house.

You can-you can take my phone,
whatever you want!

Why aren't you yelling?

Please say something.

So, we're trying
to strike a balance here

between high performance,
and relaxation.

- Preach.
- But it's not health food, right?

- It's still a weed beer.
- Right, still weed beer.

Okay, so Après drinkers are people

who achieve big things,

but need to turn their brain off.

Right, like, what does Elon Musk,

or Olympians do to unplug?

Yeah, how do the champions chill?

Yes, love it.

- No, I don't like that.
- No.

Uh, how do the legends let loose?

Hmm, yes, that's it.

- Ugh, I hate that.
- I hate it too.

Wait.

"How do the greatest minds unwind?"

Oh, I like that.

"The greatest minds unwind."

Ouf! Let's get an athlete.

Oh, well, now that you're on board,

we can get the ball rolling.

Yes, approved! Alright, Kate.

Take all the time you need with this.

- Great!
- Okay,

and just get me all the materials

as soon as humanly possible. Boom!

- You got it.
- Good work!

- Hey.
- Oh!

- Mr. Greenwood.
- Ms. Foster.

- Thank you so much for coming.
- Mhmm.

You know, if you've come to
ask my son's hand in marriage,

you should know that this morning,

he asked me "how much taxes cost".

So that would be your
problem to explain.

Yeah, no thank you.

I'm actually here to make
you an official offer.

Hmm... see,

the thing is, Kate,
I already got a pretty good gig.

Ah.

I know what day the bagels
show up on the coffee cart.

My assistant knows how
to talk to my wife.

- Hm.
- Why would I jump that ship?

Well, I think you just said it.

The best part of your job is bagel day?

Do remember the time you closed
down the Bayview Extension

for a downhill ski race?

You know I still get
hate mail about that.

That is the kind of
mayhem you can pull again,

at... Kate Foster PR.

I don't think you can afford me.

How about you let me worry about that.

Look, I'm working with Admiral
on their new weed beer.

Weed beer?

I gotta class up their
image before they launch.

Make it sound like it's not
just for stoners and idiots.

- That's right.
- Give it an air of elitism.

You know, executive relaxation,
that kind of thing.

- Look at you go.
- Admiral, that's no joke.

What direction are you going in now?

They wanna make a sponsorship
deal with an athlete.

I don't currently have one on board,

but I happen to know
that you... know plenty.

I have to think about this.

This offer expires in 24 hours.

Really?

Unless you need 48.
I could probably do that.

Mr. Greenwood.

Ms. Foster.

Did it ever occur to you

that I might have
already done a DNA test

and a background check,

before you decided to scalp
someone in a restaurant?!

Dude, is she like, a cop?

I'm not, but I wasn't gonna
let a complete stranger

contribute to my son's education fund

without first checking him out!

I'm sorry, I... I'm not following.

I opened an account in Solomon's name

and Sean's already contributed $5,000.

Is that enough to earn your trust?!

Are you nuts?!

You hardly even know this guy!

Who knows what he wants!

Bianca!

In case you want it.

So I mean, community living
gets like, a bad rap,

but this place is kinda awesome.

Okay.

Um, you were saying
something about room service?

Well, each bed has a panic
button that alerts a nurse.

So that's like a kind
of room service, right?

Dear God!

We hear that a lot.

- Give it!
- Buzz off!

- Oh.
- Right this way.

This is our Games Room.

It's very popular.

One of our residents, Edie,

has gotten very into "The Sims."

She put a toilet in the living room.

So we had a good laugh about that.

Do you like games, Mr. Foster?

This an old folks home!

Well, we're all young at heart
around here!

Yeah, where do you keep the coffins?

Oh, we don't keep any on site.

Uh, I don't think.

So here is a brochure that
outlines our various packages.

Thank you.

Wow, these rates are... very good.

- This is all-inclusive?
- Mhmm.

It even includes Seafood Tuesday.

Do you like shrimp, Mrs. Foster?

- Okay.
- Is he serious?

You bet I am.

We cannot leave them here.
This is a full-on nursing home.

Well, I'm sorry,
did you not hear the thing

about Seafood Tuesday?
Because that is a deal.

Kate, they're still my parents.

I know, I'm sorry,
this place is a nightmare.

Maybe there's another option.

Cable, wi-fi,

laundry, dishwasher,

ac, gas stove, the works.

- There's a nice view.
- Mhmm.

Of a parking lot!

I'm sorry, Nathan, I can't do this.

I mean, the smell of the mildew
in this place is nauseating.

It smells like goat stew.

Yeah.

Look, I think you have to
see this as an opportunity

for a fresh start, Grampa Roger.

I mean, this place can be
anything you want it to be.

But I'm perfectly good in
the spare room at your house.

Roger, don't be a bastard.

You gonna let your wife
bully your parents like this?

- We're trying to help you.
- Hmm,

don't think I don't see
what's going on around here.

She's pulling all the strings,
and you're too much of a p*ssy

to stand up for your mother and father.

Maybe that's where Charlie
gets it from, huh?

- Dad!
- Ah, here we go.

Don't you dare blame Kate.

You played fast and loose
with your home and savings,

so you don't have a say.

Now we're letting you live
in this very nice apartment

for free, and the only reason
that's even an option

is because of Kate's salary.

So you're gonna live here.

And maybe start showing
a little gratitude.

That's it! Do you understand?

Do you understand?

Yeah.

Good.

Don't f*ck with pussies.

Okay, come on. You can do this.

You remember everything.

_

Alice Carlson sign-up sheet?

Look at her go!
Daughter of the year.

Nailin' it!

Are you being bullied?

- What is this "sign-up sheet?"
- Mom, relax.

It's just a joke.

What kind of joke is "Anita Bustanutt?"

Sorry.

Can you stop going through my stuff?

- Who made this?
- This is so you.

It's just supposed to be funny,
and you're making it weird.

Then what are they signing up for?

Ugh! You don't get it!

So I don't know what
this sign-up sheet is,

but it is not a joke, she's lying to me.

Without question.

I just feel like I'm losing her.

Listen, being shitty is her job.

Yours is to make sure she's
the right kind of shitty.

Stop worrying about what Alice does,

worry about why she does it.

Well, how am I supposed
to pull that out of her?!

You don't.

If you want a squirrel
to become your pet,

you don't corner them.

You leave tiny little trail of nuts

to the cage in your bedroom.

What... what I'm saying is,

- let her come to you.
- Okay.

If you smother them,
they'll punch another hole

in your drywall,
and then have sex with that same hole.

Jesus Christ!

By the way,
is this outfit you taking my advice?

I take it back.

I know you're not
talking to me right now,

but I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

- What you did today was...
- Totally f*cked.

But I-I'm jealous,
I see how you are with Sean,

and I, I just-I don't wanna be replaced.

If Solomon has two parents,
where do I fit in?

- He's not a parent.
- You really checked him out?

Yes! He got a speeding ticket last year.

That's it?

And he was arrested at a student protest

15 years ago.

He saw a cop try to tase a lady,

and he jumped in front of it.

- He tased himself?
- Hmm.

Oh, well then,
I really want to contribute.

You don't have to do that.

But I'm gonna match his donation.

No, I'm gonna b*at it.

You're doing this right now?

Mhmm, $5,001.

Sent.

Password: "ponytail."

- That's not funny.
- Well...

it kinda is.

You were very hot today.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Almost worth all the
money we're spending

just to watch you lay
down the law like that.

- Well, that's a plus, I guess.
- Mhmm.

I can't believe I'm never
gonna see your dad sh*t again.

That is not the image
that gets me in the mood.

Meet me in the bathroom in few seconds,

and keep... your clothes... on.

It's called dressed shower sex.

I read about it online.

It's like being trapped in a monsoon,

- like, in a sexy way.
- Yeah.

You gotta use your
imagination a little bit,

but it's like, picture we're like,
shipwrecked, you know?

- Okay.
- All like, cold and wet.

You know, or like, "The Notebook!"

Remember "The Notebook?"

Like, those two were
big-time in love, right?

- Yeah.
- But also, soaked to the bone.

This is kind of gimmicky.

- Yeah.
- But I'm in!

- Yeah, right?
- I'm in!

- Are you into it?
- I'm-I'm in!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like,
I'm like a mermaid,

who like, got beached,

and you're like Eric,

you're trying to drag me back to sea,

drag me back, drag me back.

But my tail's too tight!

I'm King Titan... Ariel!

- No, no, don't be my dad!
- Oh.

- Let's move on from this one.
- Okay.

It's like, "The Shape of Water."

I'm like a,
I'm like a sexy fish monster.

Yeah, and I'm like the mute janitor.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

Look at my mascara, is it running?

I'm like a wet rat that
needs to be punished.

I wanna punish this...

wet... rat.

I'm gonna come in there and punish you,
you... wet rat.

Get in here, what are you,
an exterminator?

Yeah. Mmm!

Oh sh**t, sorry. I'm so sorry.

You can't leave me shipwrecked, here!

I know, I know, I know, no,
keep it alive! Keep it alive.

When you're ready, I'm right here!

- Mr. Greenwood.
- I'm in.

You are?

Hell, if you really think
you can take me on

and still stay afloat,
how could I turn that down?

I will make this work, I promise you.

And I got you an athlete,

Chris Gomes, the basketballer.

Let's talk tomorrow, okay?

Looking forward to it.

- Oh, Kate?
- Yeah?

My desk can't be anywhere near Rosie.

I completely understand.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

So uh, which Mr. Greenwood was that?

Oh, uh, Richard.

I um...

I may have hired him.

And offered him...

a good chunk of my salary.

You what?

Uh, do you want to get back
in the monsoon, or like...

we could try the rat thing again?

No one's coming.

Well...