02x01 - 2005

[bunniefuu]

["MILKSHAKE" BY KELIS PLAYS]

♪ My milk shake brings
all the boys to the yard ♪

♪ And they're like,
it's better than yours ♪

♪ Damn right it's better than yours ♪

♪ I can teach you,
but I have to charge ♪

♪ My milk shake brings
all the boys to the yard ♪

I'm gonna miss one night stand's the most.

Really?

Yeah, new bodies, new
sex, all those smells. Ugh.

Oh sh.

- Hmm.
- [PILLS RATTLE]

I always forget.

It's a miracle we haven't been pregnant

- like a million times.
- I know, right?

Especially with Julian.
Dude never pulls out.

Like ever.

- I should not have invited him.
- What?

Now, all your questionable life decisions

are gonna be in my wedding photos.

- He's separated.
- Yeah, for like a day.

- For like a month.
- Gross.

[TEXT MESSAGE CHIMES]

Oh, here we go.

Dude, are you gonna work all weekend?

Uh uh, no. I just have
to get this one email out,

and then it's gonna be all about you.

Oh check it. We're here.

Hmm.

Let's get you married.

Oh my god!

We're getting married!

Smokin', huh?

["MILKSHAKE" PLAYING]

♪ It can't be bought ♪

♪ Just know, thieves get caught ♪

♪ Watch if your smart ♪

♪ La la, la la la ♪

- Hey! Good to see you guys.
- Hi, guys.

- Thanks for coming.
- Hi.

- Yeah.
- You look beautiful.

- [SLURPING]
- Um, honey...

- Hmm?
- Easy, easy.

No one likes a drunk bride.

There she is!

The cutest little flower girl in the world!

Hoo. She's-she's off right?

Like in the face, she's very sleepy.

- And she's a little girl.
- Right, sorry. Yeah.

I'm sure she's a great kid.

Girls with strange faces have to be,

- it's like a survival technique.
- Hey, you.

Hey.

Can I get your eyes here, please?

Yes. Yes, I'm sorry, I'm here. Hi.

I know you didn't want a big event,

but I just would hate to think back on this

and wished that we'd behaved better, right?

Yes, totally. Yes!

I wanna look back on
this and not regret it.

And there are going to
be moments that are weird,

and you're going to have
to struggle through them.

- Like my dancing.
- [ANNE LAUGHS]

If you can stomach that,

then we're gonna come through
the other side, married.

- Deal?
- Mm hmm.

Hmm. [KISSES]

Yes. [KISSES]

- I do!
- [LAUGHING]

Yes, uh, who could I speak
to handles celebrity requests?

Uh huh, I can hold.

Hm.

Hmm. Hi.

Can I call you back?

Julian! I thought you were
just coming to the wedding?

Felt like surprising you.

Hmm.

[GRUNTING AND MOANING]

Hey, don't forget to pull out, okay?

Yeah.

- [PANTING]
- [PHONE RINGS]

This is Kate?

[JULIAN GRUNTING]

Well, is there any way we
could skip the waitlist?

Did you just cum in someone's coat?

♪ La la la la la la yeah ♪

Well, that's great, Jean.

I'd love to say a few words
before the mother of the bride.

I know it's only been a
few years, but in many ways,

I feel like I'm the other
mother to our little Annie.

I'm gonna go get a drink.

ELEANOR: Kate, nice of you to join us.

Look a little flushed.
Been up to something?

Who can tell under that fake tan of yours?

Die in a fire. [LAUGHS]

Annie would love that, Bradley,

and I just know that the
two of you are going to make

the most beautiful babies.

If I could just convince this one, right?

Oh, and may I introduce the
other mother of the bride,

Jane.

[CLEARS THROAT] I did
not think I would be here,

ever, doing this.

Um, Anne was very independent,

she barely had any friends.

- Okay.
- Anne was a toughie,

uh, which I think will serve
her very well in marriage.

As you know, Anne grew
up without her father,

who was a g*dd*mn deadbeat.

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

Um, but I think we did, we did pretty good.

I think this would be a
good time to have a toast

- to the bride and groom.
- Please!

- I was gonna get to that.
- Okay, well, let's do it.

I would like to toast to Anne and Brad.

To Anne and Bradley, cheers!

- [VOMIT SPLATTERS]
- God, all right hold on,

let me get this hair under control.

All right, go crazy, purge.

- Your mom!
- Yup.

- My mom!
- Mm hmm.

- I think I drank too much.
- No you're crazy, barf it out.

[KATE'S PHONE RINGS]

This is Kate.

No, this is a good time.

[VOMIT SPLATTERS]

♪

ANNE: Ugh, so hungover.

But look at these Frenchies, bitch.

Seriously, I'm going into
tonight classy as shizzit.

[BURPS] Oh, sh*t.

- Swallow it. And?
- Oh, I'm good, I'm good.

Did you get a chance to talk
to Brad at all last night?

Uh, there was so much goin'
on you know, but he is great.

Call him great one more time,
I'm gonna rip your tits off.

- Jesus, violent.
- Can you just cut the sh*t

and be straight up with me, please?

Not everyone likes to dump
their sh*t on the table

all the time, okay, what different
does it make what I think?

Your opinion is like the
most important thing to me.

- [SIGHS] Well, f*ck if...
- you need to know,

- I do!
- He's a drop controlling.

- What does that mean?
- It's not like a big thing,

it's just like you've
been... Body snatched,

but it's like of the mind.
It's like you joined a...

kind of a cult, you know,
like the cult of Brad.

And you're in ch... Well,
you're not in charge,

but you're like a really good
student. You know what it is?

You're like one of those
kids who's been kidnapped

and the cop spots you at a bank,

and your eyes are saying
one thing, you know - SOS -

but your mouth is like, I'm fine.

- Kate!
- What, am I nailing it?

- No! I am in love with him!
- Good!

It's more of a vibe thing.
The truth is I like him.

- I'm going to marry this guy.
- As you should, okay?

I'm sorry, you just... you
made me say all that stuff.

- You cornered me.
- I made you say it?

ELEANOR: Knock, knock!

Annie, I brought you something borrowed.

Oh, wow.

All right.

Oh my god, those are beautiful.

They match your complexion perfectly.

- Wow.
- ANNE: Thank you.

ELEANOR: Oh, you deserve
everything in this world.

JANE: Smells like a chemical plant in here.

- Jane.
- It's so uppity, right?

I asked them if I could
microwave my oatmeal package,

and they acted like I'd sh*t the bed.

- Oh. Thanks, Mom.
- Okay.

You know what, I'm gonna
go and try your dad again.

Jane? Okay.

Brought you something.

Oh.

It happens to be something blue.

Did uh, one of your patients make this?

Margaret did, yes, and I'll have you know,

she made them with very
little use of her motor skills.

- They are very nice.
- Hmm.

Please thank her for me.

- I would, but she is dead.
- KATE: Okay.

I'll um, I'll see you out there.

[RECEDING FOOTSTEPS THUD]

- She's great.
- Really?

[SOFT HARP MUSIC]

[GUESTS CHATTER]

♪

[CAMERA CLICKS]

♪

[BRIDAL MARCH STARTS]

JANE: No, no.

No, no, please, please sit down.

Just be comfortable.

Mom, they're supposed to do that.

- [HAPPY SIGH]
- Nice earrings.

[BRIDAL MARCH PLAYS]

[ANNE SIGHS]

♪

[NERVOUS EXHALE]

[GLASSES CLINK]

[GUESTS CHATTER]

Hi, everyone.

Uh, hello.

As public speaking tends to
bring out the worst in Anne,

she won't be up here
speaking tonight, but...

Her best friend, Maid of Honour,

bridesmaid extraordinaire, will be, Kate.

She's a lot of fun.
She's a very good-humoured person

and I can't wait to hear from her.

[APPLAUSE]

[KATE GIGGLES]

Hi.

Such a um, such a great
day, right. And um...

That uh, that priest, so nice. So like...

Uh, and the flower girl, very pretty.

[CRUNCHES FOOD]

Um, so look I've known
Anne since university,

and when I first met her [GIGGLES]

I actually thought she
was such a bitch. [GIGGLES]

[AWKWARD SILENCE]

Um, but I somehow gained her trust,

and felt what it was like

to be loved, I guess.

And I don't even think I need
anyone else's love besides yours.

Is that weird? Probably too much.

Mm mm.

But I'm happy to share her with you, Brad,

'cause you're great.

Seriously, I know we don't
know each other very well,

but um, you make Anne really happy,

and that makes me really happy.

So, let's lift our glasses, or whatever,

to Anne... and Brad. Both of 'em.

I think before we have a drink,

we should really take this
opportunity to say grace.

So if everyone could please
join me in bowing your heads?

Uh, take it away, Anne.

Okay. Um...

I'm just gonna...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Dear God...

Right, but is there like
a way to skip the list?

Like what if his wife were
to wear it to an event, or...

ELEANOR: Kate!

- [FOOTSTEPS THUD]
- I need to talk to you!

- Can I call you back?
- [BEEPS OFF]

What? What? Whaaat?

Kate, believe it or not,

but there was a time that I
didn't want marriage either.

- Oh, here we go.
- I had doubts about your father.

I don't need to hear about this.

You think I didn't have
chemistry with other men?

Huh? That may have led to...

Okay, Mom, I definitely
don't need to hear about this.

But, I always came home to him.

He is my husband, and that grounds me.

- Whadda you want?
- A trophy? Mom, that's f*cked!

Oh, and that is fresh coming from you.

Attending your best friend's
wedding with a married man.

How did you even...

- He's separated, so...
- Married.

I have to pee. Like bad,
okay, and I don't need this.

Why don't you have another drink?

[RECEDING FOOTSTEP CLANK]

[ELEANOR SIGHS]

Son of a bitch.

[LOW HUM OF CHATTER]

Oh, George, thank you for holding my spot.

- Sorry.
- Ooh!

- Ooh.
- Sorry about this,

I just, had a little over here.

- No problem.
- Oh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SHUDDERS]

Anything?

Could you maybe just turn around?

You just have this like
secret service vibe,

and I think if I could just see
you then I could just let go.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Did I make it worse?
- No. It's better.

So what's your name?

- I'm Kate.
- I'm Nathan.

Hi, Nathan. [GIGGLES] What's your story?

Well, I'm ,

and I also have trouble
peeing in front of strangers.

And I'm somebody's pity date tonight, so...

- Oh no, that's so sad.
- Yeah, sad for her.

I've eaten two pounds of free shrimp.

- [LAUGHS]
- [PEE SPLASHES]

- Oh, there it is.
- Oh my god, sorry I just...

- Strong stream.
- Yeah.

- Good for you! Oh geez.
- [KATE SIGHS]

[PEE SPLASHES, RELIEVED SIGH]

[GROANS]

[BOTH LAUGH, STOPS PEEING]]

Oh, there we go.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh here, I got ya. Here, here, here.

Oh no, this is so nice, I couldn't.

No, no, no, please, go ahead.

I heard how much pee came outta ya.

Drip dry is not gonna cut it, so.

- Hi.
- Hi.

["HEY MAMA" BY BLACK EYED PEAS PLAYS]

♪ Shake that thing like we
in the city of sin and... ♪

♪ Hey shorty, I know you wanna party ♪

♪ The way your body look
really make me feel naughty ♪

♪ Cutie cutie, make sure
you move your booty ♪

♪ Shake that thing like we
in the city of sin and... ♪

♪ Hey shorty, I know you wanna party ♪

♪ The way your body look
really make me feel naughty ♪

- ♪ La la la la la ♪
- ♪ We the big town stumpas ♪

♪ And big sound pumpas ♪

♪ The b*at bump bumpas
in your trunk trunkas ♪

- ♪ She be [FERGIE] ♪
- ♪ From the crew ♪

♪ BEP, come and take heed ♪

♪ As we take the lead so come on bubba ♪

♪ Dance to the drum-a ♪

♪ Hey, cutie cutie, make
sure you move your booty ♪

♪ Shake that thing like we
in the city of sin and... ♪

♪ Hey shorty, I know you wanna party ♪

♪ The way your body look
really make me feel naughty ♪

Oh my god, thank you.

My boss is gonna be over
the moon. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, speak soon. Thank you, again.

Hi. I did it!

- Yeah? What the purse thing?
- Not just any purse,

I mean Indiana Jones couldn't get this.

Oh no?

God, you know, I just like
had this moment you know,

where I thought it wasn't gonna happen.

- Yeah?
- But I was like,

I thought okay, what
would motivate this chick,

you know, to like give me what I want?

And then... will you just listen?

[DRINK AND ICE SPILL]

sh*t!

Don't worry about it, it's not that bad.

- It's not a big deal.
- Well I'm just, I'm all wet.

Relax your dress looks like
it's from a Halloween store.

What? You look like you're
from a... Halloween store.

- f*ck you!
- What?

Seriously, Kate? Come
on. Don't be a suck! Kate!

Can I get sh*ts? Thanks.

[LOUD R&B MUSIC PLAYS]

♪

♪ Ooh, kept my faith let's talk ♪

♪ I know the sky tonight ♪

♪ Cuz girl you got it ♪

♪ You got it girl ♪

[BASS KEEPS DROPPING LOW]

DJ: All right, all right, all right!

Let's switch it up a bit!

Give it up for the groom
tonight, he's on fire!

- Hey, Lionel!
- Anne, hi!

- Hey!
- Hi.

Uh, congrats. Congratulations. Congrats.

Oh yeah, thanks man.

Yeah, you look beautiful, by the way,

like really, like a princess, so.

- Aw. That's so nice.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you for inviting me, by the way.

- Dude, of course.
- I'm gonna go, I think.

- No, no, no, no!
- No, I'm gonna go.

Hey man, don't go. Don't go.

I saw you dancing with
Cindy, she's awesome!

- Yeah.
- You like her, right?

- She's... sexy? She's sexy?
- Yeah!

And you're such a great-looking guy.

So you should stay. Go, get laid!

- Yeah.
- Go man, now!

- Have a great time!
- Okay, thank you.

DJ: I see you, Cindy. Yeah, baby.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

♪

[WATER SPLASHES]

[NATHAN COUGHING]Jesus.

- [NATHAN COUGHING]
- Are you enjoying that?

Oh, no. No, I'm not.

- Uh, it's actually disgusting.
- Yeah, looks it.

Yeah. Um, do you wanna come down?

Oh, I think it's too high of a...

Here, come here. Come here.

- Really?
- Mm hmm.

- Oh, thank you.
- Hmm.

So what are you doing out here, anyway?

Mourning your pocket square?

I am, actually.

No dry cleaner could ever clean it.

Hmm.

What happened to your dress?

What? Oh, yeah. Lapse of judgment.

- It's a crappy dress.
- What?

Looks nice to me.

- Whoa.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

- Wow.
- Sorry I just,

I had this like silent air
going and I wanted to...

- act on it, and...
- Okay.

I dare ya to do it again.

Oh well no, I mean I already did the dare.

Oh, okay, Johnny Knoxville.

I dare ya to jump in the fountain.

What? Dude, it's a foot deep.

That's not a dare, that's a pedicure.

Are you upping my dare for me?

Well I mean, what choice do I
have? If your dares are lame,

I gotta you know, up your game.

Okay, what did you have in mind?

Something more um, naked?

Sorry, naked? [GIGGLES]

I don't think I said anything about nudity.

I'll have you know I'm a lady.

Never even had a one-night stand.

Wow.

That's an interesting dare.

[KATE CHUCKLES]

["I'M SO GLAD" BY ROYAL WOOD PLAYS]

♪

- BRADLEY: May I weigh in?
- ANNE: On?

You carry too many people's burdens.

The burden of constantly
pleasing your mother.

It's annoying, but it's
the right thing to do.

Is it?

And the burden of a very toxic friendship.

What the hell are you talking about?

Honey, Kate's a great girl, and I see that,

but she clearly has some pretty jaded views

about this whole picture here.

I don't think you know her well enough

to say something like that.

I can... read people very well, and...

I get a strong sense that

well, she's less than thrilled about...

our marriage.

Well, I mean, uh...

But you want this, right?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes, I want it,

and I want you. Yeah.

Hey, gimme those eyes.

- Hey, beautiful.
- Hey.

It's okay to feel scared about
the next stage in your life.

♪ We may feel like folding ♪

♪ But as long as love is holding ♪

♪ The hands of me and you ♪

The perfect night.

Hi.

♪ Waves can be raging ♪

KATE: I know the rules, just go!

- NATHAN: Okay. On your marks...
- Uh-huh?

- Get set...
- Go!

- Hey!
- [SQUEALS]

♪

♪ They say your love is all I need ♪

♪ But everywhere I go ♪

♪ Every now and then ♪

♪ And darling this I know ♪

♪ From the day I can't go without ♪

♪ Now baby can't you see that
I need you and you need me ♪

ELEANOR: Kate!

- Have you no shame?
- Um...

[GUESTS LAUGHING]

Fake tan.

So sorry.

[LAUGHS]

♪

♪ But times go by and life goes on ♪

♪ And we're runnin' right through ♪

ANNE: Did you know he likes modern art?

- No, I did not know that.
- Mm hmm.

And I do too, so,

Ugh, wish I'd known about
the whole modern art thing

before I said this was a bad idea.

You know, common interests and all that.

- Am I f*cked?
- No.

Mm mm. You're a badass. I
wanna be you when I grow up.

Yeah, I dunno... anything.

Neither do I.

Just don't wanna be alone. You know?

Hmm.

Well, luckily you don't
have to worry about that.

Right, because I've got Brad.

No, dummy. You got me.

♪ All I need is your love ♪

♪ Love, your sweet love ♪

[BIG BELCH, THEY LAUGH]

♪ All I need is your love ♪

[LAUGHING]