01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

[INSECTS TRILLING]

[WHEEZING SOFTLY]

It won't be long now.

At least she's comfortable.

- There's definitely worse ways to go.
- Mm, amen.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Dysentery was no party.

Shh, I think it is happening.

Ah. I should sing something
to ease her transition.

Or perhaps don't make
this all about you.

♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound. ♪

Who are you?

I am the ghost of your
great-great-grandmother,

Hetty Woodstone.

Hi, I'm Flower.

I wandered over to your property

from a music festival in the ' s,

and then I tried to befriend a bear.

dr*gs were involved.

I am Thorfinn. Uh...

I like herring...

She doesn't need the whole roster.

We are ghosts.

While most spirits pass
on to the afterlife,

we are the unfortunate few
cursed to spend eternity...

- Oh, and she's gone.
- [DISAPPOINTED GROANS]

- Oh, good for her.
- So unfair.

She goes up, we stay here.

In Odin's name, why?

Yeah, it's a real drag.

Now what's going to happen to the house?

This house was my pride and joy.

Now it could get sold to God knows who.

Murderers. Perverts.

Irishmen.

Well, there's no use
milling about up here.

Shall we go mill about downstairs?

- May as well.
- Yeah, sure.

I just hope someone
interesting moves in, ya know?

Like a ballplayer, or an astronaut.

Whose life are you guys
hoping to watch next?

- Oy.
- Oh, be quiet.

SAMANTHA: Oh, my God,
this is the house?

JAY: Whoa, so... so we just

- own this now? What's the catch?
- No, no. There's no catch.

As I explained to
your wife on the phone,

her relative passed away
and left her this estate.

Great-Aunt Sophie. I think
I met her when I was a kid,

but I-I thought she d*ed years ago.

No, no, she just passed.
But the good news is,

you're her next of kin.

Didn't she have a son?

Well, more good news, he
actually did die years ago.

- Oh, okay.
- Oh, yeah, that's not, um...

How much do you think we
could sell this place for?

Assuming we want to sell.

Uh, yeah, we're not moving
into a -year-old house

in the middle of nowhere,
because that would be...

Right, Sam?

Well, it's just we
don't know the facts yet.

- Obviously, yes, we're probably going to sell.
- Yeah.

- He thinks I'm a little impulsive.
- Ah, just a smidge.

Well, there are a
limited number of buyers

for a property this size, right?

So, you have your bed
and breakfast operators...

- [GASPS] What if we opened a bed and breakfast?
- [LAUGHS]

- Here we go.
- Aren't you sick of the city?

No. We work insane hours
to live in a shoebox

that we can barely afford,

and somebody's offering us a mansion.

Sam, we don't know the first
thing about running a B and B.

You're a chef. That's, like,
half of the Bs right there.

Plus, I can write freelance
articles from anywhere,

so we have income while
we're getting up and running.

That is an annoyingly strong
argument, you have to admit it.

Okay, let's do this.

We haven't seen the place,

so we'll go up there for the weekend,

- and then we'll talk about it.
- Yes! Thank you.

- It is a really nice place.
- It is.

And it's ours, for free.

There's gotta be
something wrong with it.

Babe, it's so charming.

What could possibly be wrong with it?

♪

Okay, so, it's the summer of ' .

my Lehman Brothers boys
and I, we scooped a copter

to b*at the traffic out to the Hamptons,

'cause that's how we roll.

Anyway, we're on a list

for this very exclusive shindig

at Surf Lodge in Montauk.

Tara Reid's birthday.

- 'Nuff said. So...
- Yeah, but,

who is Tara Reid?

Seriously? She was a movie star.

Oh. Silent or talkies, sweetheart?

Uh, what is a movie again?

It's the... It's the play
that they project on a screen.

We've been through this.

When you say "project"...

What is "play?"?

God, I hate being the
most recently dead.

Anyway, yada yada yada, it
was a great night. The end.

Okay.

[WEAK APPLAUSE]

PETE: Okay, well, thank you, Trevor,

for that talk of the day on partying.

No, it was very high-level partying.

You don't get it, so,
you know, whatever.

All right, well, tomorrow,
of course, is food club,

when Thor will be explaining
the subtle differences

between types of cod.

It will be similar to salmon lecture,

- but more cod focused.
- Ooh.

Oh! Oh! It's one of those...

how you say... it's a ship on land.

Landship! Landship!

It's not a landship, you nincompoop.

That's a horseless carriage.

Bro, check out that body.

Slammin'.

Indeed. He'd have
made a fine militiaman.

Holy crap.

Beats the hell out of our
fifth-floor walkup, huh?

Okay, yeah, it's impressive,

but can you reach the
fridge from your bed?

- I think not.
- This air is so clean.

And that guy at the
gas station in town...

- What was his name, Carl?
- Yeah.

He was folksy, right?

I mean, he did call
me a woman for wearing

a video game shirt, which
doesn't make any sense,

but, yeah, Carl had a certain charm.

ISAAC: They're coming in.

- Let's go.
- Whoa!

Ah, geez, not again.

Wait!

[EXHALES] Wow.

Okay, this is huge.

And it's all ours.

I got to admit, it would be nice

to have a little bit of space.

Exactly. New York is full of people.

We're never alone.

This must be them.

The new folks that own the house.

Can you believe this place has been
in my family for six generations?

She's a relative of yours, Hetty.

Well, I should hope not,
with her exposed knees

and that saucy hairdo.

- Wow.
- SASAPPIS: At least it's just the two of them.

There's still plenty of room for us.

ISAAC: Yes. Yes. Two
people is manageable.

Limited commotion.

No old lady bedridden while
disease eats away at her,

but we knew those good
times couldn't last forever.

PETE: You know, a young couple
could be really fun to watch.

- Oh, hell yeah, they would.
- Okay, Trevor.

Before I forget...

- What is that?
- Whoa, whoa.

- What are you doing?
- This is sage.

- I'm cleansing the space.
- JAY: Oh, come on.

Babe, this is Old House .

You light this stuff, and
it wards off evil spirits.

- [ALL GASP]
- What did she say?

Does that work?

Do you really believe in that?

Better safe than sorry.

- [SNIFFS] It's actually delightful.
- Oh.

- Yeah, it's divine.
- Oh, lemme hit that.

- I would enjoy a...
- Is that sage or is that her?

- Reminds me of torched village.
- Okay, people, people.

There is enough spirit
repellant for all of us.

Jay, we have a library.

- This place is, like, old school rich.
- I know.

I did a little research.

Apparently, my ancestors who lived here

were actual robber barons.

Like, cartoon evil,
slept-on-a-bed-of-gold types.

I mean, we did that once.

Okay, they actually seem really nice.

They remind me of this
couple I was married to

when I was on the commune.

And a little of this
couple I was married to

when I was in the cult.

Honestly, it's, like, way more b*at up

than in any of the pictures.

Excuse me?

It could use a little
TLC, but we can fix it up.

Boy, she is really "can do."

I am rooting for these kids.

I cannot help it.

I'm telling you, babe,

this place is going to
make an amazing hotel.

[GHOSTS GASP]

What is "hotel"?

I'll tell you what a hotel is.

A hotel is our worst nightmare.

Every room in this
house filled with people

coming and going.

Sleeping in our beds...

Libertines!

And you don't even want
to know about the clutter,

Thorfinn, my fastidious
Viking friend. Ooh!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Why?! Why?!

Trash can right there. [GRUNTS]

No!

[SHUDDERS] I hate
getting walked through.

It's probably the worst
pain I can think of.

No, wait, arrow through
the neck. That beats it.

Okay, new plan:

k*ll them!

Uh, we can't k*ll them.

- Yeah, that's not nice.
- ALBERTA: No, I mean we don't have the ability.

Can't pick up a g*n, can't
put their feet in cement

and drop them off a
country bridge. [CHUCKLES]

I went with a bootlegger
for a spell. You hear things.

Plus, even if we could
physically grapple them,

that husband fellow would overpower us.

I mean, have you seen his shoulders

and that V-shaped back?

In summary, we must do something.

Wait, what... why don't we just try...

haunting?

We scare them away. We're ghosts!

- Ooh.
- FLOWER: Whoa!

Yeah! It's a good plan, right?

Oh, no, sorry, I was just
seeing some major trails.

What are we talking about?

This plan of Trevor's
fills me with discomfort.

The line between the
living and ourselves

is one we should respect.

- Who are we to... [CRIES OUT]
- [GHOSTS GROANING]

Found my jacket!

[ALL CLAMORING]

- [CRIES OUT]
- [GHOSTS EXCLAIM]

[PANTING]

All right, let's haunt
these bastards out of here.

[CHEERING]

JAY: Hey, Boo-Boo.

- The water from the tap was disgusting.
- Oh.

So, I went to the gas station
and I got us some coffee.

- Aw, thank you.
- Yeah. Carl says hi,

and he called me a snowflake
for wearing flip-flops.

- Classic Carl.
- Yeah.

Okay, g*n to your head:
Canary Yellow or Lavender Mist?

Oh, okay, we're putting up paint. Nice.

Haven't decided if we're staying
but we're putting up paint.

You know what? I-I think we should just

knock the whole wall
down while we're at it.

Do you think it's load-bearing?

What? What is this? What are you doing?

Do you even know what
sound you're listening for?

Not sure, but it makes me
feel like Joanna Gaines,

and I'm not mad at that.

- Ooh.
- Wanna come be my Chip, big boy?

Um, yes please.

Wait a minute, why do we only
role-play couples from HGTV?

- Please don't kink shame me.
- [BIRD COOING]

JAY: Oh, it's adorable.
There's a bird in our room,

because of course there is.

Okay, you're right, this place
needs a little bit of work.

- Here he comes!
- Hit the deck!

Now, let's take inventory of
the skills at our disposal.

Thor, as we all know,
is able to do that thing

with the electrics because
he was struck by lightning.

[STRAINING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I am powerful.

- Oh, Isaac, what about your thing?
- Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, yes, no, I don't know to
what it is you refer. Okay...

You d*ed of dysentery.

Yeah, it smells like a fart
when the living walk through you.

[LAUGHTER] It's nasty.

- You stink, you stink.
- It's not pleasant.

[FAKE LAUGHS] Okay.

I get it. We all get it.

And trust me, you don't need to be

so harsh in your condemnations.

It is far worse for
me than it is for thee.

Okay, moving on. What else?

Well, I was thinking since Alberta

was a singer in life and
can project her humming

into the world of the living,

what if we had her hum the song

from the movie Ghost to scare them?

Huh? Kinda thematic, right?

You know we don't know
what that is, Pete.

Oh, right, the movie thing.

Welcome to my hell.

You guys would actually love it.

There was this amazing scene

where the main girl
was making pottery...

We don't have time for this.

And then this hunky,
shirtless guy comes in...

Well, we do have some time.

The haunting isn't imminent. Go on.

It's fine. I get it.
I'll hum something scary.

Oh, Trevor has to do his amazing thing.

That must be the topper.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE] Yeah. Do it!

You're very kind.

ALBERTA: Come on, Trev.

- Oh, sorry, hold on, it's just...
- You got it, you got it.

- Focus. Focus, focus.
- You got it.

[STRAINING]

[CHEERING]

- Yo, T-money did it!
- Scary!

Oh, it's good!

Troops, I believe we are ready.

Tonight, get your sleep,
for tomorrow we strike!

- [CHEERING]
- Yes!

[CHOKES]

[PAINED SHOUTING]

The hot water's not working!

Okay, people, he's coming
out. Man your posts.

Good luck, everybody. And have fun!

The hot water's out again.

SAMANTHA: One second!

And... go, Thor!

[STRAINING]

What the...

Come on.

[STRAINING]

[SHOUTS, GROANS]

Ah.

Man down! Alberta, you're up.

Trevor, you're on deck.

You know, it kinda feels
like I'm opening for Trevor.

Now, I don't need to
headline this haunting, but...

- Not now!
- Ugh, okay. Fine.

[HUMMING]

[HUMMING]

- [POP MUSIC DROWNS OUT HUMMING]
- I got the stereo working.

- Cool.
- Go on.

[WHIMPERS]

[GAGGING]

- [SNIFFING]
- Ugh, babe.

Nice try, that was you.

Are you on a juice cleanse?

Close it out, Trevor.
You're our only hope.

Okay, you can't blame the other person

when there's only one other person.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[CRYING OUT]

You know I couldn't
produce that if I tried.

- [CRYING OUT]
- Come on, man!

Bring the fortitude.

That is disgusting.

Oh, come on, you gaslighter.

- [TREVOR STRAINING]
- JAY: You got a cute butt, but it's got a foul mouth.

[PANTING]

Huh. Haunting is hard.

Ooh, that is rank.

- Shut up.
- All right.

Babe? What are you doing?

I'm gonna fix the water heater.

It's probably just the gas, right?

This has got to be simple,
just turn the pilot on?

SAMANTHA: This place is so creepy.

Much better.

- Who are these guys?
- I don't know.

Jay, that looks kinda ancient.

Maybe we should just
call a professional.

No, no. We're not dumping

a bunch of money into this house.

Plus, I want to take a shower now.

Counterclockwise.

Okay, it's just I don't think
you know what you're doing.

[LOUD SQUEAK]

- Uh-oh.
- That's not good.

- That should do it.
- That won't do it.

- Think I got it.
- He didn't.

At least they left the light on.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

- [GHOSTS GROAN]
- Damn it.

[STRAINING]

- Trevor?
- God.

What-what are you doing?
The livings aren't even here.

No, I know, I know. This isn't for them.

This is between T-Money and the vahse.

It's personal.

I've always said vayse.

- Can you please...
- Sorry.

Aw!

Still freezing.

Okay, well, the good news is

we're going back to New
York this afternoon anyway,

so we can just fix it when we come back.

You mean if we come back.

Okay, we're having this conversation.

Sam, um...

I'm just gonna come
out and say it, okay?

[MUTTERS UNINTELLIGIBLY]

- Pardon?
- [MUTTERS UNINTELLIGIBLY]

- I didn't hear you.
- I don't want to move here.

- [GHOSTS GASP]
- Well, this just got interesting.

Very interesting.

Like finding new type
of cod interesting.

- [STRAINING]
- Come on.

- Okay, a little too close.
- Sure. Okay.

Oh, that was... I was...
That was gonna be it.

- That was gonna be it. Really.
- I know. I felt that.

That was so close.

I came up here with
an open mind, for sure,

but this whole bed and breakfast idea...

I mean, come on.

Do we really want to leave New York?

Jay, I love you, but you know that you

- get a bit scared of change.
- Mm.

But it's okay to try
something different.

- Yes, I agree and I'm willing to try something different...
- Yes.

below th Street.

[LAUGHS] He's cute... Funny!

I don't know what it is but I-I
feel a connection to this place.

I could see a future
here, us raising a family.

I want all that, babe,

but-but, we're in way over our heads.

This place is falling apart.

It is kind of a dump.

Oh, shut up.

[STRAINING]

[LAUGHING, CHEERING]

We did it!

[LAUGHING]

So, that's it? We just do what you want?

- If we're both gonna be making some big crazy move...
- Mm-hmm.

... then-then we should at least
both be able to agree on it.

Fine! But you know what, Jay?

Sometimes you gotta just do
something a little bold, ya know?

Put some Canary Yellow up

and get out of your
neutral-palette mindset.

What? What are you... What was that?

Neutrals go with everything.

Haven't you learned anything
from Love It or List It?

Well, I don't know what
any of those words mean,

but I know that he
won't be laying with her

for several moons! [LAUGHS]

That was amazing. You're incredible.

Whoa, whoa, watch out!

[GASPS]

[GRUNTING]

- Bro, that's not good.
- JAY: Sam?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Sam, hey!

[AUDIO DISTORTED]: Sam.
Sam! Oh, my God. Sam!

[JAY'S VOICE FADES]

m*rder*r.

Okay, again,

I didn't mean for her to trip and fall.

You have to believe me, I
would never intentionally

hurt anyone that hot.

[GROANS] Aw, husband guy looks so sad.

I remember when I d*ed.
Ira looked so scared.

Because he didn't want to lose me.

And also because he was trying
to get away from the bear.

Could you imagine if
she doesn't make it?

What a terrible last memory for him.

Ending things in an argument.

Carol and I argued
the last time we spoke.

It's funny, it felt like such a big deal

at the time, and now
I... can't even tell you

what it was we were arguing about.

PETE: You never think, when
you close that door behind you,

that that'll be the last time
you walk through that door.

But then I had my
accident, and I realized

I'm never gonna see my wife again.

I'm never gonna get to
speak to her, to hold her,

to tell her how much I love her.

Oh, wait! I remember what
we were fighting about.

She ate all the donut holes,

and she doesn't even like donut holes.

It was just to spite me.
Which was just like her,

that selfish so-and-so.

[GASPS] Pete. [EXHALES]

Uh, the point is...

life is precious.

What is donut hole?

It's just a round donut...

It's what's miss... It doesn't matter.

♪

It's a tough loss.

- [TOILET FLUSHES]
- What's wrong?

The Knicks blew a ten-point
lead to the Nuggets. Damn it.

Well, I hope you were
at least this upset

when I was technically
dead for three minutes.

Let's get you home.

- Go slow.
- Okay.

♪ Home awaiting ♪

♪ In the sky ♪

♪ Oh, in the sky. ♪

Thank you, Alberta.

I don't know how many
times we've heard that song.

- .
- But it gets better every time.

Landship! Landship!

- FLOWER:
- The livings, man! They're back.

[GASPS] Oh, she's alive.

Oh, thank God.

Wait, is there any scarring?
How's the punim?

I thought we were going home.

Yeah, I just wanted to
swing by the house real quick

and show you something.

So, while you were
sleeping for two weeks...

- Coma.
- Coma. I had a contractor come in

just to give us an estimate
on what needs to be done.

And guess what. It's way more
than I could have ever imagined.

It's like a new foundation,
it's new floors...

Jay, it's fine. You know, I'm
okay with selling the place.

I had some time to
think, and you were right.

I think the whole bed and breakfast idea

- was probably crazy.
- Well, then, call me crazy,

'cause we're doing it.

MAN: Hey, Mikey, how you doing?

What's going on?

That's the contractor.

If we're gonna make a go of this,

we're gonna need some help.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- We're staying?!
- We're doubling down, baby!

I maxed out the credit
cards, I cashed in the IRA,

despite the very vocal
objections of my father.

News flash: we're deeply in debt.

If this bed and breakfast
fails, we're really screwed.

I don't understand. What happened?

Almost losing you made me
realize that I don't care

where we live, because
as long as I'm with you,

I'm home.

Was it corny? Did it sound corny?

I'm not gonna lie, I practiced it.

It was so corny.

Show me the house!

Aw, they made up.

I'm very glad Samantha is okay.

Me, too. Wait.

Who are these other people?

FLOWER: It looks like
a construction crew.

O'Malley.

MAN: Electricians, check the main panel.

- Look out for loose wirings.
- MAN : Got it.

Roofers, be careful up there.

Harness required, and make sure you know

where you're dropping the tiles.

- MAN :
- On it!

Oh, you're dressed kind of
nice for a construction worker.

JAY: Hey. Hey, babe.

Come with me, there's one more thing

- I want to show you.
- SAMANTHA: Oh.

Got a surprise.

Come on. Hey, hey, easy.

So that's it, then.

They're going through
with this hotel situation.

- We'll be overrun.
- The clutter!

Okay, yes, the hotel
will be a nightmare,

but gosh darn it, I did
miss those crazy kids.

She talked to me! She talked
to me! She talked to me.

And I think she kinda hit
on me, I'm not entirely sure,

but there was definitely a spark.

But she talked to me!

Good God.

PETE: Please, lower your hands.

And... baa-dow.

Uh-uh, what is that?

That is the Canary Yellow you wanted.

- You painted the room.
- I know, I know.

You know, I wasn't
sure about it at first,

but it's growing on me.

- What the hell?
- Yeah, yeah, you're right.

It's a lot of yellow. Oh,
you know what we could do?

We could put up a muted accent wall.

This can't be real.

Okay, you're not loving it.

It's no big deal. It's just paint.

Oh, my God.

What are you looking at?

- I think you're right. She can see us.
- Uh-huh.

Who are you?

Uh, hi, I'm Jay, I'm your husband.

- Do you need to lie down?
- I can explain.

We are ghosts, those poor spirits

who dwell on, compelled
for reasons unknown to...

[SCREAMS]