01x02 - Hello!

[bunniefuu]

ISAAC: We are ghosts.

While most spirits pass
on to the afterlife, we are

cursed to spend eternity...

[GASPS] Oh, and she's gone.

Now what's going to happen to the house?

This must be them, the new
folks that own the house.

- Why don't we just try haunting?
- Oh!

We scare them away. We're ghosts!

- We did it!
- [SHOUTS]

- PETE: W... watch out!
- [GASPS]

- Oh.
- [GASPS]

Oh, my God! Sam? Sam!

I hope you were at least as upset

when I was technically
dead for three minutes.

- This can't be real.
- JAY: What are you looking at?

- I think you're right. She can see us.
- Uh-huh.

[SCREAMS]

[BIRD CAWING]

[SIGHS]

[SOFT CLATTERING]

[GASPS]

[SIGHS]: Ah.

Hello!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[GRUNTS]

- Well?
- Yup, she can still see us.

Yes!

Also, she's apparently a little cranky

before she's had her coffee.

♪

Troops, never before have
we possessed the ability

to communicate with a Living.

We are in uncharted waters.

Those are worst type of waters,
unless, of course, you find cod.

ISAAC: This opens up intriguing

possibilities to get them to leave.

NAMELY: diplomacy.

Thankfully, you're looking at
the man who negotiated an end

to the Siege of Fort Ticonderoga.

You surrendered
unconditionally to the British.

But we lived to fight another day.

You d*ed of dysentery two weeks later.

Did I?

Thank you. Thank you.

Point is: I'm good at talking.

Don't talk to enemy, destroy them.

Then toast their deaths
with horns full of mead!

Okay, that boy has some
serious anger issues.

Why do we have to
make the Livings leave?

It just seems like such a bummer.

Because, they're planning
on turning my beloved

Woodstone Mansion into a hotel,
that's why. We'll be overrun!

Exactly! We can't let these
invaders take our land.

Do you hear it? At all?

Do you hear the words
that you're saying?

PETE: You know, we don't have

to talk her into leaving
or destroy anyone.

We could just befriend her and
ask her not to open the hotel.

So, no hotel, but the hot
chick stays? I like that plan.

Yeah, could be useful to have
a Living that we can talk to.

Ooh, I can get her to
look into the details

surrounding my mysterious death.

Oh, please. You had a heart att*ck.

- Which was likely brought on by poisoning.
- Okay.

My death, like my life,
was spectacular. Had to be!

No way I went out from something
boring like a busted ticker.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

My doc was pretty worried
about my blood pressure.

Luckily, didn't turn out
to be a problem. [LAUGHS]

Oh, what happened?

There's an arr...
we've been through this.

- Jay! Where were you?
- I was in the attic.

- Are you okay?
- Jay, they're back. I woke up,

- and one was in the bathroom...
- Whoa, whoa, okay, okay.

These are just residual
effects from your accident.

- What happened?
- I ran into the door

when I tried to att*ck
him with a toilet brush.

Um, is that like to ghosts what
wooden stakes are to vampires?

It was the only thing handy!

Please don't make fun
of me. I really saw one.

Okay, okay. Um, have you seen
one since you hit your head?

No.

Do you think somehow hitting my
head the second time cured me?

I mean, if you haven't seen
one since you hit your head,

- you're probably out of the woods.
- Oh, my God.

They're back! They're here.
They're all behind you.

Hello! Sorry about before.

I don't see anybody.

I would like to formally
open negotiations to discuss

- your withdrawal from Woodstone Mansion.
- Hear, hear.

There's a hippie and a Viking.

- Be gone!
- Peace!

And a guy dressed like Hamilton.

Hamilton? How do you
know about Hamilton?

One of them's not wearing any pants.

- Oh, yeah? You like that?
- Hi. Alberta.

Can you help me find
out who m*rder*d me?

Hey, babe, remember
what the doctor said.

You-you might experience
some visual disturbances.

[GASPING]: I'm sorry.

Y... you're talking
about Alexander Hamilton?

Did that little twerp become famous?

- Wait. Isn't that the guy on the ten-dollar bill?
- The what?

They seem really real.

- Well, of course we're real!
- We're right here.

- He's on paper currency?
- THORFINN: You're hearing us!

Okay, but what do you think
is more likely? Do you think

you're seeing ghosts, or do you think

you're suffering symptoms
of a severe concussion?

ALL: Ghosts. Yeah. Obviously.

Concussion.

- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- No!

They're all in your head.

You just ignore them,
and they'll go away.

- Ignore us?
- Well, that's rude.

You go get some rest

because your man is
taking care of business.

- Do you know how that works?
- Mm... Oh.

No. No, I do not.

- But the Internet does.
- The Internet?

It's an invention for looking
up stock prices and p*rn.

I'm gonna let the contractors
handle the big things.

But you know what? Papa
Bear's gonna save some money

where I can, because we're not all

Mr. Moneybags here, am I right?

[GASPS] From where did you find

this awful painting of
my philandering husband?

Oh, yeah, Elias. I remember
when he sat for that painting.

- And then when he slept with the artist.
- Yeah.

Okay, I guess I'll just go lie down.

You're gonna be better in no time.

The bones have spoken,

and they foresee your doom!

Right. Thanks.

[DRILL WHIRRING]

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

[GROANS]

What are you doing in my room?

- Oh, yeah, this is gonna make a dope man cave.
- What?

A cave of men? What does that even mean?

[DRILL WHIRRING]

[BOTH GASP]

Oh, no.

What are... what are
you... what are you doing?

Oh, hey, Hetty. This is fun.

[GASPS] This is not fun.

This horrible man has destroyed
the sanctity of our rooms.

Oh, it's like we're roommates.

- You got this.
- [DRILL WHIRS]

- Oh.
- Oh!

- Crap.
- Are you mad?

You've made it even bigger!

No, no, no, don't walk away!

Yay!

Hey, who's your favorite boy ghost?

I'd say Thor, but he really scares me,

- but I kind of like that.
- You know what? No. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

ISAAC: This Jay fellow has
ruined our ability to communicate

with Samantha by convincing
her that we are not real!

Which is a serious setback.

In the face of which, a lesser leader

might give up.

Like, for instance...
oh, I don't know...

Hamilton.

- Dude is obsessed.
- Mm.

He was a terrible commander.
He was all about himself!

Whereas I... I was known for
making men under me happy.

How are we supposed to befriend Sam,

or "drive her from the land,"

yeah, yeah, if she's just ignoring us?

Enemy's not supposed to
ignore. It hurts feelings.

We don't let her ignore us.

We do the same thing I did in '

when Lizzie Grubman told
me the list was closed

for Diddy's White Party.
We keep bugging her!

- What kind of party?
- What is "Diddy"?

It's a jaunty little song.

The references are not important!

The point is, we don't give up.

We keep bugging her. Now
is when we double down!

So simple, yet so brilliant.

- Thank you.
- We don't allow her to ignore us.

- [LAUGHS]
- Yes.

- Yes, we will pester her in the kitchen.
- [OTHERS AGREEING]

And we will annoy her
in the living room.

- Yeah!
- My idea.

We will make her life a living hell

so she has no choice but
to finally acknowledge us!

Yes! Yes!

And then we drive them from this land!

- Yes!
- Or have a nice, friendly chat!

- That one. You do that one.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

She will rue the day!

Chop their legs off,
hang them from trees!

- Roll it back. It's too much!
- You're making it weird.

PETE: Hi there!

Hello?

All right, I know you're actively
ignoring us, but that's okay.

I was married for years, so I get it.

[LAUGHS]

Ah. Oh, you looked at me.

She looked at me! Ooh, it's working.

Aah! Death to our enemies!

Is it getting any better?

Um...

Now who would want me dead?

I was a beloved jazz singer.

- Not really.
- [YAWNS]: I'm sorry, sweetie.

I'm sure it'll be better tomorrow.

Okay, there was one person.

She thought I was having
an affair with her husband.

[LAUGHS] I was sleeping with him,

but she didn't know that, so in a way,

I kind of wasn't as far as she knew.

FLOWER: So then the bear
raised his arms to att*ck me,

but the shrooms were kicking in,

and I thought he just wanted a hug.

You know, how everyone
talks about bear hugs?

They're not talking about
hugs from actual bears.

Can you please stop
talking? I'm trying to sleep.

Oh, yeah. No, totally.
Yeah, no, I'm so tired, too.

Why do we sleep?

- I don't know.
- When I was at Woodstock,

I didn't sleep at all, 'cause
I didn't want to miss anything,

especially the Grateful Dead.

I was a huge "Deadhead,"
which was ironic,

because I wasn't even dead at the time.

I don't care.

[GASPS]

Look, I get it.

Who wants to think they're
seeing ghosts? It's scary.

You know what's scarier? Eternity.

So, I find ways to break
it up, create some drama.

Like yesterday, I told Alberta

that Hetty said she didn't like her hat.

Now, did Hetty really say that?

Well, I will take that answer to
my grave, which will never come.

Which is why I have to
do this kind of stuff.

Oh, hi there. I'm Steve.

Unbelievable. Jay, there's another one!

He's a big guy with a greasy beard.

- Hey.
- JAY: Hey, babe.

Have you met Steve?

- Here you go.
- Wait. You can see him?

W... what's happening?

Sam, Steve! He's here to
help us with the cable.

Who is this man? Another invader?

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Steve.

I haven't been sleeping
well. It's great to meet you.

Um, that should about
do it. I went ahead

- and gave you three months of the sports package.
- Cool.

He too shall feel our wrath.

Shut up, uh...

♪ About that sports package, Steve. ♪

What a deal!

Yeah. R... right?

I'm-I'm... I'm gonna test her out.

[CHEERING]

ANNOUNCER: The Vikings were known

for their prowess on the b*ttlefield,

often overpowering...

What is this... magical window?

Hello!

Oh, okay. Well, I'm down
for a stroll. [LAUGHS]

Where we headed? On
behalf of my fellow ghosts,

- I'd just like to welcome you to...
- You're not real.

I mean, I'm not technically
alive, but I am real.

No, you're not.

- You're answering me.
- No, I'm not.

Okay, I thought of a couple other people

who may have wanted me dead.

Any chance you could hop
the train down to Memphis

- and knock on some doors?
- Hey, am I crazy,

- or is there chemistry here?
- This isn't happening!

I know. I didn't expect this, either.

ISAAC: Okay, so this
machine truly has access

to the entire breadth
of human knowledge?

Yeah, pretty much.

Okay, I need you to look up
"Alexander Hamilton" on this.

[LAUGHS]

Do you know how long it would take me

to type all those letters?

- I must know what he went on to do.
- [SCOFFS]

He haunts me, and I'm a damn ghost.

- [SNIFFLES]
- Okay, buddy, stand back.

Let me work my magic.

[RHYTHMIC EXHALING]

[INHALES SHARPLY]

My God, the pageantry.

- Do you want this, or not?
- Yes. No, I do.

- Shh!
- I... I like it.

- Ah...
- Come on! Come on!

You've got it! You've got it!

Ah... And...

- Ah!
- [LAUGHS]

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

- Oh, amazing. Okay, next letter. Next letter!
- Oh...

Mmm. Thor can smell the salty brine.

- There's my toolbox.
- ANNOUNCER: The preparation for the cod hunt

was a ritual of great importance

- in Viking society.
- Look at you.

Come on! Electricity!

Oh, by the loins of Freya, why?

Small man?!

[WATER DRIPPING]

Well, if it isn't "Mr. Fix It."

- Why has he got a hammer?
- Who knows?

- Okay.
- Oh, no, no.

Oh, no. Oh, you fool!

- What are you doing?
- Is he crazy, man?

Stop it! Just stop it!

God, I know we're dead,
but he's trying to k*ll us.

"Psychotic breaks."

- Okay, that's me.
- HETTY: A moment of your time.

- That's also me.
- You must repair my wall.

I cannot spend another night listening

to that bohemian blather
away. I won't do it!

Bring back my people to the thing...

the sorcerer's window!

You are a strong, sane woman.

You are a strong, sane woman!

Hey, big head.

I don't want you anyway.

See? Say something negative,
get 'em off balance.

Oh, I don't know why I didn't
start with this."Depression,

difficulty concentrating... "

JAY: Babe, can you please
bring me my screwdriver?

Sure thing.

- She moves!
- Do not walk away from me!

She can't move too fast with
those slightly-too-large ankles!

This is genius.

- You cannot escape us!
- [GASPS] Oh!

No way I'm going down there.

No, no, they... they are terrifying.

Jay, I think there's something
very wrong... Oh, my God!

- What?
- What do you mean, "what?"

There's a bunch of zombies down here.

Zombies? Zombies aren't real.

We are ghosts. We all d*ed of cholera.

It wasn't great.

Babe, I think you really
just need some more rest.

We are way past rest. We
need to go to a hospital now.

Okay. Well, I'll drive you.

Red valve. Tell him...

[LOUD, OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Please turn the red valve!

Can you turn the red valve?

- What?
- Can you just turn the red valve?

It... it's kind of urgent,
if you like the house.

- MAN: There you go!
- WOMAN: Yes.

How did you know about the red... ?

Can we get the hell out of here, please?

- Okay.
- No. Wait. Don't do that.

Oh, come on... Oh. Nuts.

I'm just saying, it's been
three days, and I'm not feeling

any better, so I'm
starting to freak out.

Well, I have to be honest.

I don't think this will get better.

- What?
- It seems as if your accident left you so close

to death, that you somehow
obtained the ability

to actually see dead people. [LAUGHS]

That can't be possible...

It is quite rare, but
I've seen it before.

The last time was around years ago.

Wait. How... how old are you?

Well, I was about when I d*ed.

Now, sorry about that.

I'll let you visit
with your living doctor.

- What seems to be troubling you?
- [GASPS]

She's excellent, by the way.

THORFINN [LAUGHING]: This is amazing.

The plan's working!

Working? Thor, she ran off screaming.

We've driven her insane.

Oh, what does it
matter? Nothing matters.

- What's up with soldier boy?
- Isaac had me look up

"Alexander Hamilton" on Jay's computer.

His list of accomplishments
was even grander

than I could have imagined.

And then we looked up Isaac.

"... graduated Dartmouth,
d*ed of dysentery."

That's it? That's all it says?!

I was mentioned in but one
academic journal, in a footnote.

I'm literally a footnote in history!

Well, Dartmouth is very good.

[COUGHING]: Safety school.

My life meant nothing.

Whereas my rival is known to this day.

There was even a musical about him!

You're really fixated
on that musical thing.

Well, this might come as a shock to you,

- since you see me as this tough m*llitary type...
- Mm.

... but musical theater is
actually a passion of mine.

Hmm.

I'm just saying, maybe we
should have just stuck around

for a little while, heard her out.

Maybe done the MRI?

There's no point.

They're not gonna find anything,

because I now know there's
nothing wrong with me!

Okay, but the doctor said...

That was the living doctor!

Of course she thinks I'm delusional.

She's not trained for this.
But the ghost doctor...

Okay, that's where you start to lose me.

If the ghosts were all in my head,

I'd be seeing the same
ones at the hospital

as I do back at the
house, but they're not.

I see different ones
in different places.

Like that guy. Hey, bud.

What guy?

I know it's not great news,
but at least I'm not crazy.

No, no, Jay, look out!

[TIRES SCREECH]

Phew. They were already dead.

- Sorry.
- What?!

- Just drive.
- I can't. I can't. I... I...

Listen, I know this is
a lot, but I'm with you.

No matter what, in
sickness and in health.

Okay? Because I love you.

- Aw. He's a keeper.
- [GASPS]

- Hold that thought.
- What was that?

- Sam?
- Sam?

Hold on. Hold up, Sam!

Sam, was there one in the car?

Sam, was there one in the car?

- [DOOR OPENS]
- PETE: She's coming. Here she comes!

Ooh!

Okay, fine. I see all of you,

I admit your existence. Happy?

- Well, I mean, what is happy?
- It's a good step, babe.

Great. But this is our house now.

We inherited it, so, it is
time for you all to leave.

It has been nice to meet you, thank you,

but you can go haunt someone else now.

[LAUGHTER]

She's funny, too. That's great.

ALBERTA: Girl, we can't leave.

Yeah, you just sort
of stay where you die.

And how you die.

It's your classic haunted house.

So, it seems it's the two of you

who should leave, thank you kindly.

Well, that's not happening.

We've already sunk all
our money into this place.

Plus, I see dead people wherever I go,

so leaving doesn't even help me.

Okay, I'm back to freaked out again.

Babe, just a second.

It seems like we're
stuck with each other.

But it is not going to go on like this,

with all of you up in
my face all of the time.

So, what is it going to take
for you to leave me alone?

Huh? What do you want?

You! Viking guy, what do you want?

I want to see my people in
the magic box once a day!

- What?
- He wants to watch a show about Vikings on TV.

- Fine.
- Yes!

You, Wolf of Wall
Street, what do you want?

Leave him, k*ll yourself,
become a ghost and get with me.

But let's keep it casual.

- Gross. You.
- What'd he say?

I heard you mention you were a writer.

I'd like you to pen
my biography, so that

history may know my name.

Now that is actually quite interesting.

And then take that book, and adapt it

into an award-winning Broadway musical.

I want you to invite the descendants

of the ten most likely suspects
of my m*rder to a dinner party.

Find out who did it, and exact revenge.

[LAUGHS] No.

- Uh, you, Woodstock... what do you want?
- Woodstock?

Uh, I'm easy. Just world peace.

And an end to bear att*cks?

Sure. You? Downton Abbey?

Take down that painting
of my awful husband,

and patch up the hole your
awful husband put in my wall.

He's not awful when you get to know him.

- Wait a minute.
- You, next.

I'd like the entire Hudson
Valley returned to the Lenape.

Barring that, maybe keep the
radio on in the afternoons?

- Mm, excellent idea.
- That's a good one.

- Yes!
- We could use some beats in here.

- Oh, I'd love to dance.
- ALBERTA: Play my album, Bonsoir.

- That would be fun.
- Okay, so that is everybody.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, what about you?

I just wanted to say hi and welcome.

- Hi.
- Welcome! [LAUGHS]

Wow. So, everybody feeling good?

I'm pretty far from good.

Ah, my husband still thinks I'm nuts.

You know what? Follow me.

SAMANTHA: Okay, now

ignite the flame, and
release the gas knob slowly.

[CLICKING] Okay.

Now hit it twice on
the side, right there.

- Hit it?
- Seriously.

Okay, now turn the gas knob
on, and you'll hear a "whoomph."

Nothing.

Actually, a little past
"on." The calibration's off.

It's been wonky for
the last years or so.

- [WHOOSH]
- Whoa. Whoa.

See? How else would I know any of this?

Okay. Well, I guess I believe you.

And... thank you.

They say, "You're welcome."

"They"? There's two of them?

Yup.

Are we done here?

SAMANTHA: Oh.

- All taken care of?
- Yup.

Yup, covered the hole right up.

This is not the solution. This is worse!

I demand you remedy this posthaste!

If you're here, you're welcome.

- Are you starting a new article?
- Toying around

- with a book idea, actually.
- Ooh.

Mm-mm-mm. More writey-writey,
less talky-talky.

Now, where was I?

- You were telling me about your wife.
- Huh?

Oh, no. No, not you. It's
a... it's a ghost thing.

All right. Well, uh, have fun.

ISAAC: Ah, yes, Beatrice.

She was a handsome woman.

We slept in separate bedrooms,

to keep the flame of our
passion burning bright.

Now, let's talk m*llitary service.

I was a beloved commander, though
I was known for riding my men hard.