02x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

I'm brilliant at drinking, so
I'll be in charge of the bar.

Do people pay for drinks?

There's a law that reins us in called the
Magna Carta. I call it the fun stopper.

I'm Johnny Matthews, I run a hedge fund,
live in Belgravia, and I'm worth £ billion.

I'm a bland, goody-two-shoes head girl
who bores the tits off everyone I meet.

I can't believe I finally
got you to a family sh**t.

- You're going to love it. - Yeah,
although, I think I've got food poisoning.

I might have had a dodgy prawn.

Royals don't have dodgy prawns.

That's what the tasters are for.

Well all right. The truth is,
I think sh**ting is wrong.

But before we got married, you
said you hunted the whole time.

Yes, as a young Gypsy, I enjoyed
nothing more than dragging hedgehogs.

But that was to eat.

We eat everything we sh**t.

, pheasant?

I'm certainly going to have at least one.

What's so wrong with one family
k*lling a , birds in a day

- for no reason whatsoever?
- You should know --

you're the co-founder
of United for Wildlife.

Don't you think that's a bit inconsistent?

I hope you're not
suggesting that in my head,

animals have some sort of
minimum height requirement

below which they're all right to sh**t?

Of course not. And I will come
on the sh**t, but I'll just watch.

Look, Kate, I love you, but if
you're going to fit into this family,

you better k*ll something.

What's with the shepherd's crook?

It's a symbol.

I'm shepherd to the people of
Britain and you ever by my side,

are my trusty dog.

You really need to see someone.

I'm not seeing another psychiatrist.

A stylist or someone who
can drag you into the s.

I'm more modern than you. At
least I can operate a toaster.

The main reason I married you is so
I wouldn't have to operate a toaster.

You're late! I'm not running a hotel here.

I know, that would involve
turning on the heating.

It's not my fault you haven't taken
the precaution of sewing yourself

into your winter underwear.

Hessian.

I bid you good morning. I have...

.. things to attend to.

- Be the best you you can be.
- Stop talking, start doing.

With the fig are you on about?

Sorry, can't stay.

We just got jobs.

We're motivational speakers.

Motivating people to do
what -- top themselves?

No, no, no, no, I think it's admirable.

I've always tried to
inspire Britain's youth.

It was after hearing me that Tim
Peake decided to become an astronaut.

- Really? - Well, I can't be sure,
but why else would he have done it?

We're addressing workers in management
at South Wales' last remaining

steel works.

Which is so great because we've
always wanted Britain to have a wider

manufacturing base.

I've always thought the Royal
skill set waving from balconies,

cutting ribbons and so forth

perfectly qualifies us to
give advice to everybody.

Especially heavy industry.

Exactly.

Kate! You're here for the sh**t. I
thought it was against your principles.

I'm here to support my husband.

You're a bit touchy today.

Sounds like someone's in a tizz
about the prospect of f*cking up

- mall animals.
- Shut up, Pippa. Shut up!

Harry, I've been looking for you.

I found this the other day. You
must have left it when we were...

Bonking each other's brains out.

In a relationship.

Queen Mother gave me this
for my eighth birthday.

Harry, do you ever think
about our time together?

Sometimes. It's always good to
something in the spank bank.

Ah, Harry.

Got any more nightclubs that I
can turn into office blocks?

You cheated me out of that nightclub.

You knew I couldn't read when
you gave me that contract.

I saw a weakness and I exploited it.

It wasn't just me you cheated,
it was a whole community.

Because of you, there's now just eight
members-only nightclubs in South Kensington.

They're just statistics to me.

Necessary stepping stones
to get what I really want.

A shitload of money.

Right.

Let's take this outside.

Wait. Strike him with this.

Thanks, Auntie Anne.

It's like that, is it?

Name the time and place.

Round the back, after tea.

All right, but you do realise I was
small ball p*stol champ at Uppingham

- four years in a row?
- What's that got to do with anything?

You just challenged him to a duel.

- What? - Pistols,
live amm*nit*on, death.

I've got to be honest, Anne,
that sounds a bit dangerous.

Well, you can't back out now --
the family honour is at stake.

Yeah, but couldn't he just buy me a pint?

Johnny, call it off -- this is madness.

I'm sorry Pippa, but you knew I was a
psychopath when you agreed to marry me.

Do think I do all those Iron
Man runs because I'm normal?

Yeah, look, I hate to do this because
I was really looking forward to

being sh*t at by a marksman but
I've got to go. I've got a thing.

You're not going anywhere, Harry.

Oh, it opens that way?

- Dad? - No, Wills, I'm your
father's identical twin brother,

imprisoned here at
Sandringham for years.

So you've been in here your whole life?

How did you learn to speak English?

From Radio Four. Dogger,
Fisher, German Bight.

Gosh, that's amazing.

The answer to your next question is
I am the elder twin by two minutes.

And thus the rightful heir.

How did you know I was thinking that?

Locked away alone, all my
senses became highly acute.

Most of all my emotional sense

I've evolved into what I believe
is known as a super empath.

The exact opposite of my father.

Emotionally, Dad's a bit f*cked up.

Sorry, you wouldn't have heard
swear words on Radio Four.

You'd be surprised what they
let go on the Today programme.

Anyway, he was the one who
was meant to be locked up.

Even as a baby, he was
considered a social embarrassment.

So there was a mistake, then?

Yes, Princess Margaret was in charge
that day and she'd been drinking

rather heavily. Sorry, I still
can't believe that bloody door.

So all I had to do was pull?

Yeah.

- Could you wait here?
- You're going to see your father, aren't you?

- Damn right. - And the answer
to your other question is, no,

I've never had sex with a lady.

Sorry, that was rude.

f*ck.

As you know, we were hoping to
have Richard Branson speak to us,

but as it turns out, he's too expensive,

but as a more-than-adequate replacement,

we have Princesses Beatrice and
Eugenie who are here to talk to us

about...

Sorry, what's your
speech about again, love?

Making it happen in the internet age.

You know this is a steelworks, right?

- Yes.
- Right.

Um... So please welcome
Beatrice and Eugenie.

Hello, Port Talbot!

Make some noise!

So where are you from?

Port Talbot.

Amazing.

Here's our top ten tips for
"insert nature of business here".

- Making steel. - So you're in
the coffee shop with your BFFs

having a chai bubble tea
and you're spitballing,

"How can we use the
internet to make steel?"

Am I right?

Well, mainly you need heat and iron ore.

The internet doesn't really come into it.

Yes, but with the internet,

you could turn the machines
on from your smartphones

so you wouldn't need workers.

Also, you could use an app
to outsource your admin,

so you wouldn't need managers.

So, top tip number two.

He got out!

He got out!

He got out!

Charles!

Have you done something to your hair?

Oh, yeah, it's a new shampoo.

You're Kate, aren't you?

- Of course I am.
- I sense pain.

You're worried about k*lling
all those small birds

and also you've got a crush on
Ryan Gosling from La La Land.

He was just so passionate about jazz.

It's all right, Kate.

I don't like k*lling birds either.

Unless one's flown down the chimney
and I can have an extra snack.

- What?
- Nothing.

We should cancel the sh**t.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Do you know, I don't
think we've had a hug.

I always saw you as rather cold.

Oh, quite the opposite.

I ought to be going.

Feeding time!

Who want a biccie?

Feeding time!

Charles, what have you done to your hair?

Oh, erm, it's this new shampoo.

What are you wearing?

You've taken my advice, haven't you?

Yes.

You're in the mood for sex, aren't you?

I've got ten minutes before
the pubs open -- why not?

Look, there is something
I should tell you,

I...

- What?
- Nothing!

It's been great talking to you, Meghan,

and if I never see you again,

remember I'll always love you.

Harry, I've got a car outside.

We can sneak down the back staircase.

No, I'm staying.

Auntie Anne explained it all to me,

how it's better to die with
honour the live with shame.

You can't fight a duel for the
honour of the House of Windsor,

not when It's A Royal Knockout is still
available on YouTube, and besides,

you weren't worried about
all that honour stuff

when you were photographed in
Vegas with your knackers out.

That was different -- that was a party.

This is just my life.

Well, you won't be able to go
to any parties if you're dead.

Even if that were true, it
still wouldn't change my mind.

- But that's insane. Johnny will k*ll you.
- Don't be so sure.

I'm a pretty good sh*t myself.

See?

Getting closer.

And that is how you can use
Instagram to really boost your...

steel productivity.

OK, that's all from us. Later, guys.

Wow. What a rush!

How are we going to come down from that?

Yeah, it's like a drug.

As I say, Richard Branson
was too expensive.

Dad!

Daddy?

Where are you?

- Now is the winter of our discontent.
- Richard III.

You do realise if you reveal
the existence of your father's

twin, he will become king and
that will destroy your father?

I hadn't thought about
that. What should I do?

Keep your uncle locked up in the tower.

- But that's illegal.
- It was illegal when I locked up the princes.

It wasn't the Middle Ages.

It WAS the Middle Ages.

Well, it's not when you're in it, is it?

It's the present.

Thank you, Richard III.
You've made my mind up for me.

Oh, so you are going
to lock your uncle up?

No, I'm going to make him king.

Wills, there you are!

I just ran into your dad, who
said we should cancel the sh**t,

then he gave me the
longest, warmest hug ever.

That wasn't Dad!

That was his identical twin
brother who the family have

kept locked up for the last years.

- Of course!
- Come on!

That was so urgent.

Almost as if you hadn't had sex for years.

Yes.

And you knew everything I
wanted before I knew myself,

and you weren't reading a gardening book.

That's right, Camilla.
I'm not your husband.

I thought an identical
twin was merely a legend...

and there were just big
squirrels in the loft.

I'm sorry, I should have told you,

but when I saw how alluring you were, I...

[No tics, no waffle, no fancy dress...]

[But does he have the common touch?]

Does this answer your question?

♪ My old man said follow the van

- ♪ And don't dilly-dally
on the way... - ♪

Yes, and with my new-found popularity
since offering one of my kidneys to

a small girl, the two of
us would be unstoppable.

♪ .. me old cock linnet... ♪

You were right! Betrayed by
my own identical twin brother!

You must have realised you were
having sex with a different man.

It was odd at the end

when you didn't shout,
"Alternative medicine!"

And you must have known -- everyone
knows I'm married to Camilla.

We're Charmilla.

Come on. Come on!

Let's get you back to the attic.

- Who wants a biccy?
- Have you been feeding him dog biscuits?

- Well, that's what I eat.
- Yes, back in the attic with you.

No. He's the rightful heir.

You little bastard.

Calm, darling. We've all had a drink.

I've trained all my life to be King.

But he'd be so much better than you.

How can that be possible?

Think of all the fetes I've opened.

Because who could be more sensitive

to the peoples' needs than a super empath?

Plus, you like sh**ting, but
you believe in reincarnation.

What if you come back as a pheasant?

Pheasant? The worst I'd get is leopard.

Camilla, where do you stand on all this?

Well, I stand with you, of course.

Exactly. And besides,

if he was made king and people found
out we kept him locked in an attic,

they'd think we were all insane.

- Which we're not. - Look, why don't
we discuss this later, after the sh**t?

Right, back to the attic while
we decide what to do with you.

No, Anne. He should come with us
and see nature for the first time --

and us k*lling it.

Just a moment. There's something
you don't know about Charles.

His health is... failing.

It seems very unlikely he'll meet
the predicted Windsor's life span

of .

Oh, no. How long's he got?

Months.

Days.

So, when the sad moment finally comes,

you could simply... fill his boots.

The public need never know.

That was absolute shite.

- Ugh... - How can they
be motivational speakers

when they've never done a
day's work in their lives?

Telling us how to manufacture steel.

Eh...

We're actually agreeing on something.

How about we put our differences behind us

and concentrate on how to
compete with the Chinese?

Huh?

Deal.

They think we're twats.

The only thing they can agree
on is how terrible we are.

But that's great!

We've got them working together.

f*cking hell, Bea.

We've single-handedly saved
the British steel industry.

You're right! We're not absolute shite.

Looking forward to the sh**t?

- How did you hear about it?
- That's why we're all here.

Oh, the sh**t. Yah, I've got
to sort something out first --

but there's a -
chance I'll see you later.

- Foof de fafta?
- Well...

probably a bit worse.

Hang on.

Dad?

OK. Which one of you's the robot?

You're Harry, aren't you?

I'm your father's identical twin brother.

Ah, but isn't that exactly
what a robot would say?

No. A robot would say, "What
is this emotion called love?"

But that's what Dad says all the time.

Oh, my God! Dad, are you the robot?

Neither of us are bloody robots!

You're worried about some sort
of fight, aren't you, Harry?

But you're also thinking about ice cream.

And a Katy Perry video.

Harry! Haven't we got some
business to be attending to?

Oh, yeah.

Well... Bye, Dad.

Bye, identical twin robot dad.

Right! Let's get you out of this at once.

- Thank you, Anne.
- And into some handcuffs.

And don't you get any
ideas about escaping.

Right. I'm off to k*ll an
inordinate amount of helpless birds.

Charles, you know, whether
I end up as king or you do,

I'm glad we've had this time together.

Well, I'm not. It's
been an enormous worry.

Luckily, I heard Bear
Grylls on Start The Week.

Still can't believe that bloody door.

You can't do it, Johnny.

You'll be taking a man's life.

Er, hello!

Psychopath!

Harry, will you see sense?

Well, that's the stupidest
question I've ever heard!

Choose your weapons!

Well, I'll take these
two, if that's all right.

- No, you cretin. Give one to him. - Oh.

You will stand back-to-back
and, on my word, walk ten paces.

Then turn and fire. Got it.

No! as the one that's been challenged,

Johnny gets the first sh*t.

What? While I just stand there?

Yes. And I never miss.

- But he'll be k*lled!
- Be quiet!

Yah, but she does make a good point.

Assume positions.

Anne, please!

Begin!

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten.

No, Johnny!

Agh!

Harry!

Well, you two seem to be getting on
well, considering the row earlier.

Oh... Nothing gets in the way of sh**ting.

There's one!

That's what this is all about, isn't it?

- What?
- sh**ting.

It's the one thing you still
share with him, isn't it?

Like football is for
working-class fathers and sons.

Or sleeping with Russell Brand is

for mothers and daughters from Essex.

No, Kate! You're right.

Nothing should die just so I have
something to talk to my daddy about.

That's all I needed to hear.

Yes, pheasant.

The g*n just went off, William.

I don't know how. I'll
never forgive myself.

I'll never forgive myself.

Harry!

It's all right, Bubs.

- The hip flask.
- Harry!

The duel must continue.

Harry, it's your sh*t.

- What?
- But that's enough, surely!

Honour must be satisfied.

Right...

No. Harry, please.

I'm sorry I cheated you.

You see? He admits it.

k*ll him.

Please! Harry...

Oh, cock.

Thanks, Harry.

See you around.

Come on, you. Get up.

I'm sending you the cleaning
bill for these trousers.

What's the matter with me? I can't do it.

He may be a useless, dithering lump...

Die, pheasants. Die.

.. but he's my useless dithering lump.

What was that, dear?

Agh...

I've been sh*t.

Be a good king.

Don't be silly, you'll be fine.

I want you to know,

even though you kept me locked
in an attic for years,

I wouldn't have had things any other way.

Yes, it's been fun, hasn't it?

I'm going. I can't feel my legs...

Those are my legs.

.. and I need to tell you...

.. I love you.

And best wishes to you
in all your endeavours.

- What happened?
- He's dead.

No!

But we'd only just to know him.

It's not just a tragedy for us.

It's a tragedy for Great
Britain and Northern Ireland.

No, Wills. We can learn from him.

Bring his sensitivity and
wisdom to our reigns,

so that he can live on through us --

through me, and then through you...

.. but me first!

Together we could've been the
British Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos.

Don't worry, Camilla.

- Something will come along soon to
put a smile back on that face. - Yes.

Yes.

Like a new Magna Carta.