02x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

It was after hearing me

- that Tim Peake decided to
become an astronaut. - Really?

Well, I can't be sure but why
else would he have done it?

Meghan Markle?

You know me from Suits?

No, The Mail Online.

What if the Magna Carta
was somehow... modified?

It's not Britain in the th
century or the Isle of Wight now!

Why do they make these carbon
monoxide alarms so small?

Never mind all that.

Nicola Sturgeon's about to
announce she's unilaterally

pulling Scotland out of the union.

And if we lose Scotland, I
won't be able to wear my kilts!

Oh, do stop going on about your kilts!

A whole new Magna Carta has emerged,

a document that will bestow
upon us absolute power,

the power of life and death, the
power to do whatever we want.

And I've just sent my
red one to the cleaners.

On top of all that, we've got to put
up with bloody Theresa May this weekend.

Well, I don't like her
any more than you do,

but her little visit is providing...

.. an opportunity.

Ah, still no answer.

Theresa!

We need to put our
personal differences aside.

How can I help you keep
Scotland in the union?

- Lock yourself in a cupboard?
- You're overcompensating, aren't you?

Because you find me intimidating.

Theresa, can I just say that
in spite of having a cat fight

with you in front of the Chinese
president, I want us to be friends.

Are you f*cking joking?

Anyway, I need to try to change Nicola
Sturgeon's mind before her announcement on Sunday.

- Where's my room?
- Let me show you.

I was about to fit this new carbon
monoxide alarm in there, anyway.

And I'll conduct a battle for the hearts

and minds of the Scots people,
starting at the Highland Games.

You do not have the power of life
and death over caber tossers.

I'm merely indicating
who's hot and who's not.

Wills, where are you?

You're supposed to be picking me
up and showing me the real Scotland!

Sorry, I'm out of petrol.

Funny how you always run out of
petrol when it's the Highland Games.

- Yeah, but this time I really have.
I'll be as quick as I can. - Hurry up!

It's like watching a
two-hour advert for porridge.

Something wrong?

I want to go and do something
useful. I want to help Scotland.

I know there's a drug problem
here. I've seen Trainspotting.

Don't dress it up, Kate.

You're just bored shitless
like everyone else.

That's only half true.

I want to use my time here
to help the indigenous people.

And the first thing I've got
to do is get them off skag.

Oh, this is wonderful.

Fresh air, strong Scottish gorse...

Even the midges have a brio
that eludes the English mosqui...

Ooh!

I think it's a bit rich getting
us to entertain some stuffy

foreign dignitary when we're not
even on the sovereign ground.

Eugenie, this could be our way back
in. Everyone else is in Scotland.

- Ooh, there's a party at Freddy
Windsor's! - You can't! - No!

Bollocks to this. I'm off.

Hi, I'm Justin Trudeau.

Justin Trudeau, dreamboat
prime minister of Canada.

I prefer to be thought of for my
humanitarian stance on refugees

- and my tattoo. You must be Beatrice?
- Actually, I'm Beatrice.

- Don't you have somewhere to be?
- No. Come in!

- I brought you this gift of Canadian
maple syrup. - I'll take that.

- She's on a diet? - Well, it
seems to be working. - Thank you.

Yeah, but once the gastric band comes off,

she'll ping back to her usual size?

- Justin, Justin, over here. I can do
a handstand. - Er, that's... very good!

I've got an idea.

Why don't me and you go
on a Chelsea pub crawl?

Well, my people put
aside an hour for lunch.

I don't think a pub crawl
is actually mentioned.

I'd better come, too.

When she's had a few, she starts fights.

- I saw him first!
- He's mine!

Whoa!

- Pippa! - Hello, stranger!
- What're you doing here?

Oh, I-I was just passing.

Things are still great with
Johnny and everything, but, um...

- How's Meghan?
- I'm good!

- Hi, Pippa, good to see you!
- Oh!

- You're not in LA.
- No.

Suits is on a hiatus so I'm interviewing

for a bunch of creatively
exciting British projects.

Yeah -- she's got an
audition for Hollyoaks.

- Congratulations! - Hm-mm. - Hey!
How about we go to lunch to celebrate?

Great!

But I should say I'm gluten-free
and lactose-intolerant this week.

I shouldn't worry -- we'll
only be drinking wine!

Well, this is fantastic.

The girl I used to have sex with

and the girl I'm currently
having sex with going for lunch.

I've got a feeling you're
going to be friends for ever.

- Where am I? Argh!
- Steady there, laddy.

- Are you the one who sh*t me?
- Well, you were trespassing on my land.

Hereabouts, they call me Flame.
And what might you be called?

'She doesn't recognise me.
Must be these plasters.

'I could be anonymous! Just
make up a normal name.'

I'm Maximilian Forbes
Bowmaker Huntingdon Spank.

- The Third.
- Hm.

- English, are you?
- I prefer to say British and Northern Irish.

Well, I dinnae like the English.

As soon as your buttocks and
face have healed, you're out.

In that case, you're going to have
to remove the sh*t from my bum now!

All right!

- But I've nae medical training.
- I was in the Air Ambulance.

You'll be my eyes and
ears. Get some tweezers.

Will nae be spoken to
like that in my own croft!

Well, you shouldn't have sh*t me
up the arse, then, should you?

I'm on my holidays, I said.

I dinnae care if Theresa
May's trying to find me.

You tell her Nicola
Sturgeon says f*ck off.

- And this is shortbread, is it?
- Aye, sir.

Please stay in the UK,
please stay in the UK.

- And presumably these are
shortbread tins? - Aye, sir.

Please don't leave us, please don't
leave us, please don't leave us...

What are you doing?

Helping Theresa by using
some subliminal messages

to persuade the Scots to stay in the UK.

Forget about Theresa.

- She's history.
- These flowers make me sniffly.

Tissue.

Oh, never mind.

- Charles, where are your Y-fronts?
- Oh, my!

He's no' wearing any skiddies!

He's a true Scot.

We should stay in the union.

This place looks like it
could do with a royal visit.

Time to free Scotland
from the yoke of skag.

- My name's Kate. Princess Kate.
- Mmmmmm.

And-and even though I'm a princess,
we're not so different, you and I.

I'm from humble beginnings, too, you see,

but I managed to turn my
life around just by hard work

and making sure I went to the
same university as the future king.

And now I'm going to be
queen. That's not bad, is it?

- Hmmmm.
- Hmmm!

And once you're back on your feet,

and we've smartened you up a bit,

I don't think I'm building
your hopes up too much

when I say I could see you marrying
into the Spanish royal family!

Hmmmm.

Well...

There's only way I can
use my position to help.

Hello, I'm Kate, Duchess of
Cambridge, and today I will be

taking heroin, which is
another word for skag,

to highlight this
uniquely Scottish problem.

Here goes.

There.

This drug has blighted
whole communities aro...

Oh!

Oh!

f*cking hell! f*ck!
That is f*cking mental!

Right, let's do it.

- I dinnae know if I can,
Maximillian. - You can.

- Now, how many holes can you see?
- Seven.

- Just the sh*t holes?
- Oh. Six.

Right, now, take the tweezers and
remove the first piece of sh*t.

- I'm going in.
- Ow, no!

- Remember, just the sh*t holes!
- Sorry!

- I'm so nervous. - You've got
to relax. What makes you happiest?

The idea of an independent Scotland.

Good. What do you like about it?

We could keep all the oil money.

Excellent. Now you begin the operation.

And fully exploit our wind resources.

We can control our fishing industry
while remaining within the EU!

All right, you can stop now, Flame!

- You've done it.
- Oh, that's brilliant!

But it was you, Max.

Getting me to relax by talking
about an independent Scotland.

Well, then we both did it.

Oh. I'd better get you some
bandages for your jacksy.

Ooh!

Nicola Sturgeon?

So that's why she liked talking
about an independent Scotland!

Here you go.

I must say, I was surprised
an Englishman like yourself

didn't have stronger views
about an independent Scotland.

Well, I was trying to keep you relaxed.

You were removing things
from my bottom, remember.

I'll just get one myself.

- That lassie's in love with you.
- James I?!

Aye, first king of Scotland and England.

And you can use her
feelings for you to stop

her from destroying our kingdom.

- She doesn't love me.
- She does.

It happened when she was fixing
your arse and saw a bit of bollock.

Even if that were true, as a
royal, I should stay neutral.

But the union's at stake.

Think on, laddie, think on.

So, what do you think about
Scottish independence?

Say for some mad reason I could
unilaterally pull us out of the UK?

What would you say I should do?

- I...
- Go on, son!

I would say...

It's a matter for Scotland.

Oh! You big streak of piss!

Well, I better be off.

The mist has come down.

You're going naewhere
on a night like this.

There's only one bed. I'll take the floor.

Don't you be stupid, man.

With your buttocks? It'll be warmer
with the two of us in the bed.

Nightcap, Justin? Whisky? Brandy? Me?

No, I really should be going.

Hello, girls. Oh, who's this?

Justin! But I've got a climate
conference in the morning.

This is our...

Cousin. I'm .

Shall we have some music?

Do you like Spandau Ballet, Justin?

Yeah, I remember seeing them at Live Aid.

Right... But Live Aid was ' ,

and if you're ...

Yes, I say saw them,

I mean heard them,
through my mother's womb.

Your cousin's very bubbly, in
that there's something almost...

.. tragic aboot her.

See, I told you I could stop
this independence nonsense.

You're alive!

I mean... You're up early.

- I always get up early.
- And you're feeling all right?

Any nausea? Headaches? Sudden hair loss?

Can you button the mindless prattle?
I got two hours' sleep in the study

- and I still haven't got
hold of Sturgeon. - Oh, I see.

Well, if it's too much for you,
my husband could take over,

as he should, according
to the new Magna Carta.

I wouldn't put your husband
in charge of a compost heap.

I outlived three compost heaps,

only two of which have caught fire.

Kate, come and say hello
to the Prime Minister.

Good morning, Kate.

Late night?

I got really stuck into my book
and I couldn't put it down.

Ahh!

Ahh! Flame?

You're not called Maximillian
Forbes Bowmaker Huntingdon Spank III

at all. You're Prince William.

Well... You're Nicola Sturgeon.

No. Every year, first two
weeks of July, I come up here

and adopt my holiday persona, Flame.

How's she different to Nicola?

She's not quite so tight with
money and she wears this wig.

Look, you've spoilt my holiday
now. I'm back to being Nicola.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll leave.

And since I'm Nicola again,

I might as well charge you
for that Scotch last night.

- I don't carry money.
- Then leave your jacket. I'll boot sell it.

Can I just get my car keys out my pocket?

- No.
- Oh.

Girls, I really should be going. The
embassy will be worried aboot me.

And you've been drinking all
night. How do you manage it?

Well, to be honest, it's half the job.

- Right.
- Well, I am going now.

I have a breakfast meeting with the
governor of the Bank of England.

Oh, but hold on, Justin.

- Before you go, which one of
us do you like best? - What?

Neither, I'm married with two kids.

You big fanny tears.

I nearly put my back out
doing that handstand.

Well, I'm sorry if you
misread the signals.

You knew I was married,
didn't you, Fergie?

But as the representative of
Canada, I'd like to thank you

for the royal hospitality
extended to me in the form

of a pub crawl and drinking
games till six in the morning.

- Well, he thought he was it, didn't he?
- Yeah, totally up himself.

Mind you, he was good at Twister.

Well, I think we've learned a
valuable lesson from tonight --

let's never let a man
come between us again.

Ovaries before brovaries.

Oh, I've just had a thought.

Since this was a royal duty, we
could claim it back on expenses.

Did someone say expenses?

This is fun.

Like one of those female bonding scenes

in my legal TV drama, Suits.

Yes, it's so wonderful
you don't feel guilty

- about ruining Harry's life.
- What?

Well, having people think he's an idiot,

taken in by a trollop who

flounces around town with her tits out.

Not my words...

The Mail Online.

So, I'm making him
unpopular. I should leave.

What about your Hollyoaks audition?

Yes. Hollyoaks.

But Harry's happiness is more important.

I wish I hadn't said anything now.

Booyakasha!

Hope you don't mind me
crashing the girls-only lunch,

but the amusement arcade had a power cut.

Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to make you unpopular.

I'm not that unpopular.

A builder just gave me half his pie
and said, "Give Meghan one for me."

Why would a builder give you half his pie

if I was making you unpopular?

- You lied to me.
- Careful Meghan!

That's slander, as you should
know from your TV show...

Suits!

It's because you still have
feelings for him, don't you?

Don't be ridiculous.

Yes, you do! And you're
trying to break us up.

Well, you'll never do it.

And I'm going to that Hollyoaks audition.

Break a leg!

- What was that all about?
- Time of the month? - Oh, right.

- She'll be fine at the
audition, by the way. - Oh, yes?

Yeah. Offered the producer a knighthood.

- Fancy some pie?
- Yes...

.. I do.

Oh, there you are.

How was last night?

Oh, I bumped into some old uni friends.

Where were you?

The same.

I'll stand, actually. It's
better for the old circulation.

Right.

'The Duchess of Cambridge has
controversially taken heroin

and streamed it live across the world.

But her shock tactics seem to have worked,

and eradicated Scotland's
unique drug problem.

Addicts are throwing away their needles,

dealers are becoming postmen,

and this, from Afghanistan

I've solved the drug problem
that was unique to Scotland!

That's all very well,
Kate, but you lied to me.

You lied to me.

What are you doing in my room?

Just checking the heating.

- You looked a little
chilly, earlier. - Oh.

Of course, if you had
a stronger bloodline,

you wouldn't feel the cold.

And if you weren't so inbred you'd
have got more than one O level.

Well...

there you go. Nice and toasty.

I don't know if I got the accent
right in my Hollyoaks audition.

I can't believe I've been shagging
Derek and he turns out to be my dad.

- Is that OK?
- Whoa, that's awesome.

It's your agent.

Hello? Yes?

You're kidding me! That's wonderful!

Oh, thank you! Talk to you later.

- Harry, Harry, Harry! - Bad
news? - No, I got the part.

I can relocate here and
we can be together.

That's brilliant!

- Knock knock.
- What are you doing here?

I came to return Harry's key,
from when we were together.

I thought you were going
to be my no-BS BFF,

but actually you're my BDE
-- boyfriend's dangerous ex.

Just like in my TV show, Suits.

Oh, you've got me all wrong, Meghan.

- Did I hear celebrating?
- Yeah, Meghan got that part in Hollyoaks.

Well done! That's wonderful.

- Good job you made that call,
Harry. Oops. - What call?

- Have I said something wrong?
- What's going on?

Well, I may have called the producer,

and might have offered him a
knighthood to give you that part.

- I can't believe you did that! - But
I only wanted to help. - No, Harry.

If I'm going to make it, and I
mean really make it, it has to be

because of who I am, not
because of who I know.

Sure, our relationship
has boosted my profile,

but that's just something
I've had to deal with,

as a woman.

I'm going back to LA.

You're welcome to join me,
Harry, but I can't stay here.

Goodbye.

Meghan!

Oh! And LA's so far away.

Do you think a long distance
relationship can work?

I've got to be honest...

No.

I never wear anything under my
kilt, so the only thing between you

and my genitalia is this rather
course, scratchy piece of tartan.

Mmm.

- Where's the Prime Minister?
- Well, I believe she's still getting changed.

You know what women are like.

Oh, you're a woman.

Well, you can see how I made the
mistake, you are rather mannish.

Right.

Excuse me.

Sorry to interrupt the sweet,
sweet music of the bagpipes,

but it's time I made my
announcement regarding the future

of our fair country.

I've made my decision about
Scotland leaving the UK,

and that decision is...

At least I'd thought I'd made my decision.

See, last night a handsome young
Englishman came into my croft

with substantial g*nsh*t
wounds to his backside.

I dressed his wounds,
gave him Savlon and Scotch,

and then he shared my bed.

Shall we go for a drink?

And I'm not afraid to say
that I fell in love with him.

And if I can fall in love
with a stuck-up Englishman...

Me, a sour-faced, humourless Scot,

then can't Scotland once again
fall in love with England?

We will remain as part of the UK.

Yes! I did it!

Well, that's good news. How about a walk.

Hello, Wills. How's the arse?

Oh, Nicola, isn't it? Sturgeon?

You know, now I think about it,
I didn't bump into old uni mates.

Nicola Sturgeon sh*t me up the arse

and I had to stay the night in her croft.

I just came to say... fare thee well.

And thank you for helping me love again.

Right, see you, bye.

- Nothing happened. - Don't
worry, Wills. - I trust you.

But can you now forgive me for lying
about taking skag on the telly?

Of course, no problem.

Terrible news, everyone!

Theresa May, our Prime Minister...

is dead!

And given the new Magna Carta,
that makes my husband, Charles...

.. absolute monarch.