01x03 - A Little Conversation About Trust

Episode transcripts for the 2016 TV show "Jean-Claude Van Johnson". Aired August 2016 - December 2017.*
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"Jean-Claude Van Johnson" follows a famous action hero/martial arts star, who comes out of retirement to assume an alter ego as undercover private contractor.
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01x03 - A Little Conversation About Trust

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ You should come with me
to the end of the world... ♪

Long week?

Mm. Tell me about it.

I work at the lamprey hatchery,
over on Slavyanska?

Last night, I bring snack,

but I trip and drop
into t*nk of broodstock.

So, I go all night
on empty stomach.

Like a Turk!

Then, as I leave,
my shoelace break.

♪ Don't want to come... ♪

Can you believe?

♪ You should come with me
to the end... ♪

So...

what happened to you?

♪ We could lie all day
on the quiet sands. ♪

I was visited by a
time-traveling version of myself

from the future.

He told me he liked Looper

better than Timecop,

even though Timecop
is my favorite movie.

And then, he sprained my neck,

blew up the building...

...and k*lled all my friends.

I'm sorry about your shoelace.

You must be Filip.

And his nose.

Like yours?

M-Much, much larger and flatter.

Erase the beard.

And, uh, erase the moustache.

So.

It was Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Jean-Claude Van Damme?

You know of him?

Why would the greatest actor
of all time k*ll all my friends?

That's not the question
you should be asking.

The question
you should be asking is:

do you want to
do something about it?

What do you want me to do?

So I'm meeting a climatologist
from the university tonight.

The important thing now
is to figure out

how someone could amplify
the core functions of the chip

to control weather
on a large scale.

No, no, no.
The important thing now

is that I was totally right
about the microchip.

Right?

Okay.
I mean, I'm pretty sure

you just picked it up
off the floor.

I mean, I'm the one who reverse-
engineered a baseline amplifier

to see how it actually works.

I did not just pick it up
off the floor.

- Huh.
- I put it in my pocket,

and carried it back
to the hotel.

Oh, right.

Maybe I'm not as, uh, washed up
as you thought, huh?

Maybe.

Or maybe you just got lucky.

Maybe.

Come on.

They need you on the set.

The soldiers are gone, Jim.

The disguise worked.

Ah, very smart, Huck.

Who the f*ck are you?

- Where's Victor?
- Cut!

- Who is this?
- Cut!

Is that the one?

No, why the f*ck
would that be the one? Jesus.

No. Okay, uh, hi.

This is what I was talking about
with Dragan last night.

You know, I brought up
your concerns. Uh...

- Uh, pardon me.
- Get the f*ck out of here.

Uh... you know, it's...
he agreed with both of us

that it is just straight f*cked
and totally not woke at all

to being calling a character
"N-word Jim," right?

- Okay.
- And then we realized that...

wow, I mean, like, having
a black guy play that character?

It's just so f*cked.

I mean, no matter what
we name him.

So we fired him.

You fired Victor?

Yeah, um, Dragan's got some,
some business partners in Asia

that's he's trying... impress,

so we decided
to Vin Diesel this sh*t,

and toss some pork fried rice
up in this joint, shumai that!

Triple our f*ckin'
global box office.

Boom! We get
Johnnie m*therf*cking Lao.

Can you get the f*ck
out of my face? Thanks.

This dude is a f*cking legend
in Thailand.

I'm Chinese.

Cool.

Let's do this!

- -The chip should
be in Van Damme's trailer.

If anything goes wrong,

call us.

Huh.

You two, let's find wardrobe
and blend in.

Okay, boss.

Thanks for the touch-up.

You're really good.

Even if this isn't
what you want to do.

It's not that bad.

Maybe you need to be
doing hair for someone else.

Someone who actually
supports your dreams.

Oh.

- No, it's not...
- No?

Since you started with him,
how much closer are you...

to what you really want?

Oh, honey.

Do you think
I'm with Dragan

because of his looks?

I dream big.

Just like you.

Oh. Oh, baby, no! No.

That's JC.

He's your friend, Booboo.
He's a good boy.

Baby, stop! Stop!

Ever wonder what God thinks
about all this?

Oh, I don't know, Huck, I'm...

I'm Buddhist.

Hey, you.

- Cut!
- Come here.

f*cking f*cking f*ck!

What the f*ck, people?!

One single f*cking take!

One take! Hi, Krissy.

- Oh.
- Is that your dog?

- He is so cute. What a f*cking
awesome dog that is. -Oh.

Yes, she is!
Oh, did you get spooked, Booboo?

Oh, baby, you never get spooked.

JC, we're so sorry, we didn't
realize you were sh**ting.

I thought I just saw you
walking back to your trailer.

Let's take a break.

I need to take a shower.

I've got some ink on my finger.

- Taking a break.
- Sorry.

All right, everybody,
stay in the area.

It's just a short break.

Hey!

- You?
- You?

Just give me the chip, please.

You think I would be
stupid enough

to hide the chip in my trailer?

Huh?

We can do this the easy way...

or the hard way.

You k*lled all my friends,

and...

you thought that Looper

was a better movie than Timecop.

And...

and now you want... to k*ll me.

They told me...
not to trust your hero.

Uh, hey, man...

Hey! Don't touch me.

It's fine.
I'm not actually a Timecop.

Filip,
have you seen Van Damme?

Wait. Wait.

Let's talk about this.

He's in the trailer.

Uh, hello?

We're compromised.

There's probably more of them.

Get this somewhere safe.

Go.

- RC Cola?
- Only RC.

- RC Cola?
- That's right.

This is all
you f*cking have is RC Cola?

- Huh?
- The f*ck is this sh...

- Hey, JC!
- Yes.

JC, what are...
what are you doing here, buddy?

Uh, you don't need to be here;
we're setting up for tomorrow.

What scene is this?
What are we doing right now?

- I'm not aware...
- What do you mean,

- you don't f*cking know?
- I don't...

f*ck.

That looks great.

f*ck, are we rolling?
Are we rolling?

Can we f*cking roll?

Roll!

- Bitch, Jesus, come on!
- Needs to slate.

Stunt team! In there!

Confederates,
kick his m*therf*cking ass.

Come on, man.
What the f*ck are you doing?

Get the f*ck in there!

Keep going!

God, I am so f*cking hard
right now.

Fight back.

"D" camera, get up on that
second deck and join that party.

Easy on the shake.
I'm not Greengrass.

Huh?

Oh!

Holy sh*t, yes!

I did not know
we were set up for that.

f*ck. Okay, I got to go
find a distraction

for when this is over.

Blend in and help
if he needs backup.

I don't get involved.
You know that.

You're already involved, kid.

This g*n is not in the script.

And they don't have
a*t*matic pistols in the 1830s.

Shut up.
Nobody cares.

And... cut!

f*ck yes!

f*ck yes, people.
f*ck yes.

JC... I love you.

I love you.

I love you, too.

f*ck yes!

Up top.

You're welcome.
You guys are welcome.

Okay, that's lunch!

Thank God.

'Cause I'm f*cking starving.

These men are dead.

Vanessa,
I want to tell you something.

It's about Victor.

I, uh... I got him fired.

It's my fault.


What?

I mean, I didn't mean to.

I told Gunnar
it's about his name.

It's offensive, you know.
His name was offensive.

And, uh, now his name
is Johnnie Lao.

It's confusing.

You told Gunnar that calling him
"N-word Jim" was offensive?

Yeah.

Look at us.

Like a well-oiled machine.

Like in the old days.

Yeah.

JC, why did you
stand me up in Bali?

I lied to you...

about the emu farm.

It's not in Bali, is it?

When you told me
you wanted to see it,

I panicked.

And I was not ready to show you

where it really is.

So you said it was in Bali?

JC, that's a terrible lie.

Everyone wants to go to Bali.

Yeah, it backfired
pretty bad, huh?

So...

where is it really?

Did you hear that?

Filip!

Don't sh**t me.

Don't sh**t me, please.

My boss is expecting me,
and if I don't show up,

he will send more guys
to look...

to look for me.

Then I guess...

I'd better show up.

Yeah.

Jane, I told you,
he's on a SpaceX flight.

You tell Channing it's his ass
if he doesn't get back to me.

Uh-huh.

I'll call you back.

Hello, friend.

We need to talk.

Director
authorization recognized.

Security protocols engaged.

Room secured.

Okay.

This is about Johnson.

He k*lled three people.

On camera.

You could see it
in the f*cking dailies.

It's been handled.

It never should have happened
in the first place.

We all knew that
he was a wild card.

You're the one who sold us
on this plan.

And the plan is working.

I need more than promises.

I think we both understand
what the stakes are here.

You're going to Bulgaria.

Fine.

But when I get back,

you and I are gonna have
a little conversation

about trust.

Hello. Hello.

It's just me, Filip.

Beep, beep. Hey, boss.

Hey. Oh.

Boss?

You want to see me?

See me?

I've always been obsessed
with the weather.

My father gave me a snow globe
when I was a child.

I used to love to peer
into its depths,

and imagine what it was like
to summon up a storm

with the snap...

of a finger.

And now I know.

Or at least I will know

when you give me back
my microchip, Mr. Van Damme.

There must be some,
uh, confusion.

My name is Filip.

I don't know
what kind of twisted game

you're playing, Van Damme.

I bring you here
to make a movie.

Instead,

you blow up my factory
and k*ll my men.

You know what they told me?

"Hollywood stars
can be monsters.

Don't employ them."

Maybe I should have listened.

This Van Damme,
I don't know who he is.

Hmm.

He seems to me like a
very handsome, intelligent man.

But I don't know who he is.

My men sent Filip
to impersonate you,

so, of course,
he knows who you are.

Plus, you look nothing like
the real Filip.

- That's not...
- You...

have something I want.

But...

I have something you want.

Tomorrow night,

we trade.

Oh.

A gala to celebrate
the impending success

of our movie.

Black tie, of course.

Here at my humble abode.

Hmm... mmm.

It says that this Van Damme
will be here.

Maybe we can arrange
a kidnapping.

Just bring the chip!

Or you'll never see...

your little friend again.

Alexei,

play Luis' kidnapping video.

Pardon?

Alexei,
play Luis' kidnapping video.

Pardon?

Alexei,
play Luis' kidnapping video!

Okay.

Well...

You really should

keep better tabs on your people,
Mr. Van Damme.

You son of a bitch.

Just be there.

Yeah.

Oh, Jean-Claude, one more thing.

You're crushing it in the movie.

The dailies...

they're amazing.

Thank you.

♪ You should come with me ♪

♪ To the end of the world ♪

♪ Without telling your parents ♪

♪ And your friends ♪

♪ You know that you only need ♪

♪ Say a word ♪

♪ So end my play with the ♪

♪ End of the world ♪

♪ But ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ That ♪

♪ I'll go ♪

♪ Away by myself ♪

♪ I feel you
don't want to come ♪

♪ He... a! ♪
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