04x02 - Demo Nosebreath Surgery Match

[bunniefuu]

Hey.

What's his problem? Is this his chicken?

Tonight was the first time that his band

played to an empty house.

Even the baristas left.

They gave me the keys to lock up.

Oh, sh**t.

Hey.

Funeral Goose played tonight, huh?

Yep. It's a Friday.

I've played every Friday for a year.

You guys play every Friday? Really?

Yep.

So if it's a Friday,

you guys are playing?

Yes.

What if there's a month

with five Fridays?

You playing all those Fridays?

Yes! Oh, my God. You know what?

It doesn't even matter.

Why do I bother anymore?

We're the worst, Heather.

What kind of parents don't
support their kid's dreams?

Oh, honey, if we supported
all of Tyler's dreams,

he'd be a Mack truck
turned into a robot.

Yeah, but I know what it's like

to have parents that
don't believe in you.

I mean, I never... told you
this about myself, but...

The diving?

Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.
- Well, then you already know

that my parents never
came to a single meet.

Babe, I know. Listen,
why don't you go look

at some of those diving medals
that you keep in a shoebox,

with the bird's nest and the seashells.

Yeah.

I'll have a snack while I'm down there.

Well, here we are.

Oh, this doesn't look
like The Container Store.

I must have taken a wrong turn.

Dad, we seriously need
to buy stackable storage.

What's going on?

It's a recording studio.

Yeah, clearly. Why are we here?

To record your new demo.

What?

A patient of mine owns the place,

so he owed me big-time.

All I had to do was pay
for the studio musicians

and the engineer.

And the enormous fee for rental.

Dad, you really didn't have to do this.

I wanted to do this.
You are a born musician.

Just like I'm a born negotiator.

Now get in there.

Seriously, get in there.

They're charging me by the minute.

And remember:

if I could give you one piece
of advice on music, I would.

♪ Climb higher and higher ♪

♪ Up past the sky... ♪

Sorry.

No worries. Let's just
pick it up from the chorus.

♪ Climb higher and higher ♪

♪ Up past the sky ♪

♪ Fly, my sweet creature ♪

♪ Don't ever ask why... ♪

Is this the bridge?

I hope not.

Let me talk to him.

Hey, what's the problem in there, bud?

The problem is me. I'm terrible.

What? You're not terrible.

Right? He's not terrible.

Uh, yeah, you're not great.

Why would you say that? I'm paying you.

Of course he's bad, man.

But you don't say that.

Right. I'm still pressing
the button, by the way.

Why would you do that? I'm paying you!

No. He's right.

I don't have what it takes
to make it as a musician,

and I think, uh, I think maybe
I've known for a long time now.

Hey. I'm proud of you.

I know that was a hard thing
to admit, but you're not

the only one who's ever
given up on a dream.

I never told you this
about myself, but...

- I...
- The diving?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I may have had a nose for diving,

but I didn't have the ears.

I developed swimmer's ear.

Spent more time in the
doctor's office than the pool.

And it was only then,
while completely dry,

that my appetite was finally whet.

I realized I wanted to be an
ear, nose and throat doctor.

So you're saying I could be a doctor?

Oh, no, way. But look,

you'll find your own path someday.

And hey, just 'cause you're
not playing music for a living

doesn't mean you can't go back
to it any time you want to.

Have you ever gone back to diving?

Not in a long time.

What are you looking at?

Oh, man. Oof. This
heartburn is the worst.

Feels like the baby's
smoking a cigarette in there.

That's weird. You only had
two dozen jalapeño poppers.

- I know.
- I'll get your back.

You know what, honey?

I love you. I love you so much.

I want to look at you
from across the room.

You know, like, uh, fine art.

Okay. This is, like, one
of your pregnancy things.

- Yeah.
- Okay. Yeah?

It's just my senses are
all out of whack, and...

You can tell me. I can take it.

- You sure? Okay.
- Yeah.

Um, well, it's your nose breath.

My what, now?

You know the air that comes out
of your nose when you breathe?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. It makes me want to vomit.

Lucky for me, I have
another hole I can use.

Okay.

I'm sorry, is there a
third option? So sorry.

Don't be. All right? I can,
I can take it, all right?

What, what else bothers you, sweetness?

Um, the way you say your S's.

Just kind of really makes the food

want to come-come out and party.

Hey, honey?

What happened to my yogurt?

Oh, I threw it away.

It was just the word. Ugh.

I get it. It's a gross word.

Thank you for being so understanding.

Love you.

Love you.

It is freezing.

Ugh, your pee, Greg. It is deafening.

I mean, I thought you said you
were gonna pee sitting down.

Well, the seat's too cold.
I'll stick to it if I sit down.

It's... You know what
it is? It's the drop.

Like, I think it's a distance thing.

Okay, look, I don't mean to brag,

but the distance between me and the bowl

is about as short as it can be.

Okay, what is the thermostat set at?

No, hey, do not touch that.

I am sweltering.

Sixty-two?

Oh, yeah, well, no wonder.
Can you take it down to 60?

No.

The A/C guy said if we do
that, the system will freeze.

Well, the A/C guy
isn't having this baby.

Okay, okay.

Oh, honey, can you just
stop moving, though?

It's making me nauseous.

I'm shivering. I don't have a choice.

Oh, honey, no S's.

Give me some of this blanket.

No, I'm so sorry, but I do
need the full weight on my body.

And can you face the other way?

And, Greg, don't forget the mask.

Okay, that's it.

I'm done, I'm done.

I'm tired of being treated
like the Elephant Man.

Greg, no, I only said that
when you were eating soup.

Because you wouldn't let me chew.

Well, you're the one who chose chowder.

There's been a lot of consideration

for how hard this
pregnancy's been on you,

but there has been zero consideration

for how hard it's been for me.

I'm sorry, what?

Did you say the pregnancy's
been hard for you?

- Yeah.
- This pregnancy?

Yes, this pregnancy, because
you get to eat whenever you want,

you get to breathe however you want,

and you don't have to pee sitting down.

I do pee sitting down, Greg.

In fact, every time I sit
down, a little bit slips out,

so you're right, I've got it made.

What are you doing?
What are you doing? No.

No, no, no, you wouldn't.

Let's see how the 50s feel.

Not a fan.

I'm much more a fan of the 80s...

Honey? Oh!

Oh, sweetie.

- Oh, I am so sorry.
- Honey, no S's.

Daddy home.

How are my two favorite girl?

Daddy, dinner's ready.

Thanks, honey.

_

Slower, slower. Okay, the chair.

The chair. Oh!

Welcome home!

I'm here.

I'm broken, but I'm here.

Your mother took her
surgery like a champ,

which makes sense because
taking it like a champ

is what got her into this mess.

John, everybody knows I
was injured making love.

Oh.

- Um, listen, Mom.
- Uh-huh?

You let us know whatever
we can do to help, okay?

Nonsense. No, she's got all
the help she needs right here.

You're gonna take care of me?

Well, I'm the one who hurt you,

so I'm the one who has to heal you.

It's-it's jungle law.

Kids,

- keep on your cell.
- All right.

- Keep on your cell phones.
- We got it.

It's a lot harder to push
that with the brake on.

- Should we tell him?
- No, no.

We'd have to raise our voices,

and you know how much that upsets Mom.

I'm sorry that took so long.

Those wheels just did not want to turn.

I'm hungry.

Do you think that you could
manage to make some oatmeal?

Well, if I can haul you up the stairs,

leave you there, go back downstairs,

haul the wheelchair back up the stairs,

then lift you back into it,

I think I can whip up a little oatmeal.

Voilà!

Huh? Oatmeal à la Joanie.

- Oh!
- Oh.

- Did you make all this?
- Mm-hmm.

Is that juice fresh-squeezed?

I'd let you smell my hands,
but I got too much class.

Your mother loves your food.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

- Thanks for being here.
- Oh, no problem, Dad.

You know what? Sam told
me I looked tired today,

so I'm happy to let her
walk home from school.

And I hope you're also happy
to keep this on the down under.

On the what?

The down under.

That's how the Australians
keep it on the down low.

Huh. Listen, you know what,
Dad? It's not a problem.

I won't say anything to Mom, okay?

Just let me know when you need me.

- Oh, Heather, um...
- Yeah.

Your mom wanted a
strawberry smoothie and...

- Oh.
- I'll take one, too.

Sure, Dad.

But I want mine chocolate
and more like a milkshake.

Okay.

But we're out of ice cream.

I-I know the market has
it, so since you're there,

I'll make you a list here.

Okay.

Oh, you also, uh,

need to get some pens.

- Yeah, sure, some pens.
- Mm-hmm.

Bras on, Joanie.

You got visitors.

Oh!

Kids. Oh, what lovely flowers.

Aren't they gorgeous?
Tyler just got them for me.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, here.

"Feel better.

From us."

I'll-I'll cherish this.

Did you make this grilled cheese?

Of course. It's easy.

Well, I got laundry to do.

Any change I find, I get to keep.

You know, I see Pop-Pop
as a "sitting in a chair

and expecting things" kind of guy,

but he's really stepping up.

- Something wrong?
- Gruyère.

Gruyère cheese.

That means he went into the market.

He didn't just sit in the car,
honking the horn the whole time.

I think it's really amazing

that you guys still have your licenses.

I can't believe this.

I cook and clean for 50 years,

and all the while, I'm married
to a secret Martha Stewart.

Okay, Dad, the laundry's
gonna have to wait, okay?

I'm working on this baked ziti for Mom.

Oh, the baked ziti is for me.

Uh, your mother wants Bolognese.

What?

Okay, the Bolognese is for me, too.

I wasn't sure if I was
gonna like your ziti.

- She wants a salad.
- Dad!

- Okay. Skip the salad. She ate lunch.
- Okay.

You know what?

Let Matt and Greg deal with this.

Okay? Where are they?

They were supposed to relieve me.

I called them off.

You know, I didn't want
the food quality to drop.

Which reminds me,

I want to wow Joanie in the morning.

You know how to make a crab Benedict?

Yeah, I... oh, and your mom
probably just wants a bagel.

I came here to take care
of Mom, not both of you.

I'm out.

Heather, I'll drive
you to the market, huh?

And I promise not to honk.

Heather!

Who's raising their voices down there?

Heather.

Well,

look who rode into town
with his next gourmet meal.

Baked ziti à la Joanie.

Uncooked pasta with ketchup.

Well, sure, it may seem like that.

But, actually, it's a culinary journey.

First, you're a gourmet
chef and now this?

Well, sounds like somebody didn't see

- the uncooked hot dogs.
- Okay,

I'm sleeping on a bare mattress.

What is going on?

Yeah, yeah, the, uh,
sheets are in the pool.

I didn't know where to go from there.

Oh, I got, I got a
confession to make, Joanie.

All the stuff you think
that I've been doing for you,

Heather's been doing it.

- It was all Heather?
- Mm-hmm.

You take such good care of me,
I wanted to take care of you.

Are you mad?

I'm thrilled!

Really?

All this time,

I thought I was married
to somebody who was lazy.

And, really, it turns out you're just...

very, very incompetent.

Oh, Joanie.

_

Okay, so this lookbook

will give you a sense of who we are

and, uh, the family that your
child would actually be joining.

Binding it with shoelaces was my idea.

- Crafty mom.
- Yeah.

Ugh, this isn't sweet at all.

I asked for extra drizzle.

Yeah, you can... you can actually
never have too much sugar.

Yep. Babies love sugar.

That's what makes them so sweet.

Mm.

Mmm. You know what?

It's actually not bad. It was my gum

that was making it taste bad.

That's convenient.

So, uh,

this is a picture from Halloween.

That's actually us. I
don't know if you can tell,

but we're-we're dressed
as the actual Minions.

Oh, I love Halloween. It's the one night

where all crime is legal.

Ugh.

No way, you basic B.

You better watch your fat back.

Is everything okay with... your basic B?

She's been on my ass ever since
she found out I was pregnant.

Like, come on, like my mom's
never smashed a rando, right?

So, your basic B is-is
actually your mom?

Yeah. And now she wants
my ex-boyfriend's number.

God, I can't believe they're
gonna get back together.

Anyway, I got to pee.
Being pregnant blows.

You're so lucky you
can't have kids, Colleen.

I feel lucky.

So, so lucky.

- Do you think she likes us? I can't tell.
- Oh, no, no, no.

You're doing great, you're
doing great, you're doing great.

I'm the one who can't
stop saying "actually."

I think I've actually said
it, like, 14 times. 15.

No, stop. You sound so smart.

If I were pregnant, I would
totally give us my baby.

Ugh, adorbs.

I am so weak for you. Um, unfortunately,

my next couple's early, so
you guys should probably...

skedaddle.

Your next couple?

Bradford, Poppy. Matt and Colleen.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Look at the jaundice
your other children have.

Oh, that's...

that's actually us
dressed up as Minions.

- Cute.
- Oh.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- See you.
- All right.

- Sorry. Excuse me.
- Thank you. Sorry. Excuse us.

Well, here is our digital lookbook.

I hope you don't mind it's on a tablet.

Which you can keep.

What? My God, thank you so much.

- You're so welcome.
- What?

Um, they're hugging? I'm sorry.

I thought that she was weak for us.

I told you

we shouldn't have put the
Minions picture on the cover.

We look like two Twinkies
stuffed in denim wrappers.

Oh. Is that actually on me, actually?

I mean, do you even know

any other words in the English language?

I know the word "gift."
You know, that thing

that you said we shouldn't bring.

Okay, look,

I don't want us to turn on each other

just because you screwed up so bad.

Just ask Molly

to give you the truck when
she's done with it, Lucas.

She'll bite me.

Well, then roll down your sleeves.

Good luck.

- Yeah, he's gonna get bit.
- Sheesh.

So, I-I haven't connected

with Morgan yet, but
how did your meeting go?

- Mm.
- Oh, we blew it.

Colleen said a whole bunch of stuff

- that she totally regrets.
- Um...

we both are filled with regret and rage

- for one another.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay. Well, that's marriage. You know,

I threw a tea kettle at
my husband this morning.

But I'm sure you guys did fine.

Well, we didn't know that
this was a competition.

We would be the perfect
parents to this little baby.

We just need more time
to prove it to Morgan.

I know how much this means to you,

but, unfortunately,
Morgan's catching a bus

back to Modesto today.

The best thing you can do

is be patient and wait.

Ow, she bit me!

All right, it begins. I'm sorry.

Wh-What's up, guys? This is weird.

It's actually the opposite of weird.

I see how you fell into
that "actually" trap.

Yep.

Oh.

I'm sorry, do you have beef
with my bump or something?

Hey, why don't you come
say it to my face, then?

- Why don't you...
- So good to see you.

Yeah, it's, uh,

- it's good to see you guys, too.
- Yeah.

Yeah, our conversation
got cut short earlier.

We just didn't get a
chance to give you our gift.

- We made you a new lookbook.
- Oh.

Wow, this is, um...

I don't get it. This is blank.

Am I supposed to be, like,
blind to read this or something?

No, no, no, no. It's
supposed to be blank.

We got to talking about the lookbook

that we gave you before,

and that's just pictures
of us before having a baby.

And what we really want you to see

is what our lives are gonna
look like with the baby.

If you pick us, we will fill
that book with amazing photos

of the life that baby will have.

I'm sorry, I really just don't
feel comfortable taking this.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I don't know, it's just kind of stupid.

You already gave me a lookbook

with you guys as Minions
on it, and I loved that.

- You did?
- I, uh,

I saw that movie with my dad.

And I don't really have a
lot of memories with him,

so that's my favorite one.

That's so sweet.

When I saw you guys
dressed up like that,

looking all stupid and stuff,

it kind of just felt like maybe
it was a sign or something.

You know, that this whole
mess that I got myself into...

maybe it was meant to be,

and that this...

this thing belongs with you.

With us? You're picking us?

Yeah!

- No, no, no. Don't cry. Don't cry.
- No.

- We don't...
- Okay, yeah. Never.

My bus is gonna leave soon,
so I should probably get going.

Maybe I can just move in with
you guys on, like, Saturday

- or something like that?
- Yeah.

And... crap. My rats
can't ride the bus with me.

- Rats. Rats, rats, rats.
- It's some sort of legal thing.

But we'll figure that out later.
Thank you so much.Yeah. Bye.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

We're having a baby.

I am so weak for you.