04x04 - Birth Meddling Jacket Denial

[bunniefuu]

Yum!

Breakfast is so the most
important meal of the day.

Especially because we are
getting close to that due date.

Mm-hmm.

Have you been thinking about
what your birth plan is?

Um, to get it out?

No, I mean, like, how you want it to go.

Or who you might, maybe, want
with you in the delivery room.

Well, definitely not the
father, or my boyfriend.

You know, twins can be so competitive.

Right. Well, is there
anyone you would like

to maybe share this experience with?

Nah. I mean, I've gotten
this far by myself.

Plus, I really don't want
anyone looking at my vag.

Ugh, I can't believe
she's shutting us out.

If I can't give birth, I
wanted to at least be there

when our daughter came into this world.

What if when we're driving
Morgan to the hospital,

we just, like, get stuck in traffic

and she just has to have
the baby in the car with us?

Or, maybe, we don't go
to the hospital at all.

My friend, Ruth, had
her baby at her house.

On purpose?

Yeah. Lots of women do it.

And it guarantees that we'll be there.

You don't ask someone
to leave their house

when you're giving birth
in it. That's just tacky.

Eliza, home births sound fascinating.

Tell us about being a midwife.

Uh, well, I like to
consider myself actually

a spirit guide first, midwife second,

and P.E. teacher third.

Isn't that fascinating?

I specialize in water birth.

- It's very tranquil.
- Mm.

I've had many women in
labor experience orgasm.

And one man. That was uncomfortable.

COLLEEN: Ooh, an orgasm.

I'll have what you're gonna be having.

Colleen, stop.

So, do you bring everything
that you need for a water birth?

Like, I don't know, like, tarps?

Oh, yeah, we bring everything.

Everything.

We can even customize the experience.

Oh, we had a mother who
wanted to be surrounded

by her family and friends.

And, to my knowledge, that
had never been done before.

Doesn't that sound super extra fun?

Okay, you know what,
I'm just thinking here,

but I think you should
come in and see one.

What?

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

IMOGEN: Mm-hmm.

BOTH: Welcome.

Welcome to our home.

You'll notice that even
though she's in active labor,

Sasha is in a very serene place, right?

And please, if you
feel the need to chant

or hum or sing, don't
deny yourself that, huh?

(EXHALES)

Traffic on the way over
here was really crazy.

I'm sorry, I'm so uncomfortable.

I don't know what to say right
now. Oh, are those cold cuts?

(SASHA MOANING)

Mm-hmm...

Oh, I think we're getting close.
I'm gonna do one last check.

- Ooh. (EXHALES)
- Okay.

Okay. Sasha, please welcome me in.

I need verbal consent.

- You may enter.
- Okay, great.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Oh. Forgot a napkin.

Okay, Team Miracle, it's
time to get in that pool

as one and leave as two.

Okay, right now, tranquility
is really our friend.

- Are we calm? Great.
- Yeah.

Okay, great, let's do it.

- Okay.
- This is actually kind of cool.

- Yay. (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS)

Who knew having a
baby could be so chill?

(SCREAMING): No!

No!

Colleen, you said this
would be super extra fun.

Well, it is! I mean,
she just said, "Woo-hoo!"

Like, is she in labor or
is she on spring break?

SASHA: Oh, the pain.

- Matt, you're missing it.
- Nah, I'm good.

- I can't do this.
- Yes, you can.

Oh, my God! The pain! It's so bad.

He's coming out teeth first!

She's actually gonna die.
If I was her, I wouldn't...

I would want to die right now.

She does not want to die.

Please k*ll me.

That's the orgasm.

I can't do this. I can't do this.

SASHA: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Get it out.
- Okay,

- Imogen, your queen is crowning.
- Oh, God.

There we go. Matt, Matt. Grab
a leg, okay? Get in the tub.

- Okay.
- Oh, sweet Lord.

SASHA: Oh, my God!

(MATT SCREAMS)

- SASHA: Oh, God.
- (EXHALES)

Man, that lady is in so much pain.

I think that was Matt.

I'm so sorry I made you watch that.

I don't know if I can do this.

It's okay. If you want to have the baby

in the hospital with dr*gs, by yourself,

I totally support you.

No, I mean...

I just don't know if
I can do this at all.

What? Of course you can.

- Y-You're stronger than you think.
- (SIGHS)

Like you said, you've
come this far on your own.

But what if I don't
want to do it on my own?

Would you and Matt...

please, maybe, just,
would you be there with me?

Really?

I would love that.

We would love that.

Thank you.

I swallowed some of that water.

_

JENNA (IN DISTANCE): Most
people appreciate them.

SAMANTHA: Well, I'm not most people!

JENNA: Yes, you are. You are so basic.

Oh, Sam and her friend
Jenna are really going at it.

- SAMANTHA: Get out!
- (WHISPERS): Ooh. Here they come.

Sam's acting insane.

No offense. I realize
mental illness is genetic.

(CLEARS THROAT) Okay, so I guess
you won't be staying for dinner.

(SIGHS): No.

I'll just take mine to go.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Is she gone?

She's outside eating her
dinner like a raccoon.

Jenna's dead to me.

Oh, honey, what was the fight about?

No, Mom, I think we
should stay out of it.

She was using my Insta to catfish boys

into sending her pics
of their treasure trails.

What's Insta? What's catfish?
What's treasure trails?

There's no way I'm
spending my whole summer

working at the pool with her again.

Well, I think you're making
a very grown-up decision.

God, Mom, not everything's
fodder for comment. (SIGHS)

Honey, maybe you can help them make up.

No. When the moms get involved,
the daughters get pissed.

Well, I don't know if that's true.

You know, maybe you
don't have to comment

on every single thing that I say.

Oh, finally.

No more Jenna.

Sam is not gonna be held
back by that deadweight loser.

I thought we were gonna talk
about our daughter's problems

after we fooled around.

We already did.

That was it? I still
have my underwear on.

Yeah. That was it. Anyway, now
Sam has her summer available,

and she can do that
internship at the art gallery.

Oh, I am so happy, I could do it again.

Do what again?

Honey, it's so good of you to
drive me to physical therapy.

- (PASSING HORN HONKS)
- Oh!

- (PHONE CHIMING)
- Oh.

Oh, no, I've got it!

I've got it. Here we go.

Okay. Um...

someone named "Mega-Bitch"

has texted you five times.

That's Jenna. You can delete them.

Oh, no, no, no, I would never.

Because I don't know how.

I had a mega-bitch in my life once.

Marion. She was a dear friend,

but we had a falling out.

A-About what?

She copied my kitchen tiles,

so I stopped speaking to her forever.

Over kitchen tiles?

It just isn't done.

But you'd be surprised
how quickly a friend

can go from being dead
to you to just being dead.

I-I know because Marion's now dead.

Wow.

That's actually really sad.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I-I won't go into details,

but imagine the worst thing

that can happen to you in a garden.

He's so hot.

- Oh, I know.
- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

Oh, I can't wait for
us to work at the pool.

They told me we can refill
the condiments this year.

Remember when we got
so random with mustard?

JENNA: That was insane of us.

Oh, and I bought a waterproof camera

so we can take pictures
of all the hot guys.

- Ugh, I wish boys were wet all the time.
- HEATHER: Jenna.

It's just, well, so good to see you.

Sam, could we talk for a second?

- Hey.
- Hi.

I thought that you and Jenna were done.

We were, but then Mom-Mom told
me about her super dead friend

and it made me realize
Jenna could be stabbed

by a deranged drifter in
her garden at any time.

- (t*nk GROWLING)
- Oh.

- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
- t*nk. Drop it!

HEATHER: Mom?

Mom, I told you not to
meddle in Sam's life.

Oh, I know you were worried
she wouldn't listen to me,

but she was very receptive.

No, no, it's not that.

It's just that Jenna is a
terrible influence on her.

And she has wasted every
summer with that dud.

Then they finally have a falling-out,

you come in with your
"dead Marion" sob story,

and you-you ruin everything.

Well, Marion was a
true and a dear friend.

Oh, Mom, come on. She
stole your kitchen tile.

Okay, I have heard
you say multiple times

you're glad she's dead.

It just isn't done.

Honey, why don't you
tell Sam how you feel

about her friend?

I didn't listen to you when I was a kid,

and Sam is not gonna listen to me.

Sam isn't you, Heather.

She'll care about what you say.

What do you know?

You think your eye cream is working.

Oh, you know what?

- Don't waste your summer with Jenna.
- (SCOFFS)

Find an internship somewhere.

Find your passion, I just...

I don't want you to
lose out on your dreams

because your best
friend doesn't have any.

You don't get it.

- Your best friend is Dad.
- Oh...

- Oh, and Sophia!
- (SCOFFS)

Do you think that I don't
know what it's like to be you?

Hey.

I was you, okay?

You don't think that I liked wet boys

- when I was your age?
- Oh, God.

- Mom, stop!
- Huh? Hey! Hey!

- I invented liking wet boys!
- (DOOR SLAMS)

And then she made me realize

that my skin care routine was failing.

I told you that this would happen.

I felt sure she would listen to you.

(DOOR OPENS)

Here we go.

I need you to sign this.

Well, what is it?

It's an application for
that art gallery internship.

Jenna's probably going

to get fired from the pool, anyway.

She told me that she was
going to tongue the guys

when she gives them CPR.

She listened.

- I guess she does care what you think.
- (SIGHS)

And now, instead of
Jenna bringing Sam down,

maybe Sam can pull Jenna up.

Or maybe Jenna will die in a garden.

_

(PHONE CHIMES)

(GASPS) Ooh, yeah, Greg.

- Mommy likey.
- Ooh.

A midday sext. Jen, you nasty.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Oh, no, no. It's a credit card alert.

Oh, then you just weird.

Yeah. Greg just dropped
some serious coin

at this store I love. Ooh,
I bet it's my push present.

Wait, isn't your present the baby?

No, no. It's something fancy you wear

that reminds you of the baby.

Oh. Well, what if you have a C-section?

Then you wouldn't get a push present.

Colleen, please. He already
bought it, and I'm getting it.

Hey, you.

Hey.

You know, I'm-I'm not
sure what this smile is,

but it sure beats you just staring at me

until I apologize for
something I didn't know I did.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, that's
a different stare.

This...

is a love stare.

Yeah.

And I-I think I see the difference.

Okay. Um, I'm gonna go.

- Okay. (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah.

I'm gonna watch you go.

Hi. Thank you so much
for babysitting Lark.

Mm! No trouble. No.

Done with the windows.

- (GASPS)
- W-Was she cleaning your windows?

Oh, she's play cleaning.

Yeah, you did such a good
job on the windows, Lark.

Do you want to try the toilets?

Yes.

Yeah, don't forget your scrubby puppet.

Oh, she's having so much fun.

Oh, hey.

This is nice.

Yeah, I was gonna say
that you're glowing,

- but I think it's just the jacket.
- Thank you.

It's my push present from Greg.

I mean, he didn't give
it to me, but I found it,

and I couldn't resist sneaking
it out for a test drive.

(GASPS) I wish I had one of these.

Yeah, the only jacket
that Tim's ever given me

is a Flonase-branded windbreaker.

Oh. Well, you should get one.

- No, really?
- Yeah.

- Oh, God, well, then we'd be like twins.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. I mean, you know...
- Yeah.

the kind of twins that would make sure

not to wear it on the same day.

(LAUGHS): Oh, well,
that would be ridiculous.

Or it would bond us like sisters

in a way that I've always wanted.

- Yeah.
- You're right. It would be ridiculous.

- (TOILET FLUSHES)
- (LAUGHS) Lark!

- (DOOR OPENS)
- Hey.

Thanks for watching Lark again.
I don't know what Jen said

to our babysitter, but she's
not returning our calls anymore.

(LAUGHS): Oh, no way.

I bought Mom that same
jacket for her birthday.

You-you bought Mom a jacket like this

for her birthday? Not Jen?

Why would you think I
bought that jacket for Jen?

Because Jen thinks that you
bought that jacket for Jen.

She knows about it, Greg.

She thinks that's her push present.

Push present? Why would
she get a push present?

It's our second kid.

What do you think? That
you push on the first one

and the rest just fall out?

Yeah, good point. I got to fix this.

(VACUUM WHIRRING)

Uh, why is my daughter vacuuming?

Oh, Greg, no... come
on. She's play vacuuming.

Yeah!

So fun, right, Lark?

You know what's really fun?

When you get right under the couch.

Yes!

Yes! Okay, don't scuff the legs, okay?

I am so glad that you love your jacket.

- I do. I don't ever want to take it off.
- Yeah.

So tell me, was it a surprise?

Such a surprise.

Okay. Well, happy push gift.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.

You know, 'cause second
babies don't just fall out.

Fall out? Fall out of where?

JEN: Oh, look.

You did the thing we
both agreed not to do.

Oh, I know. God, I know. I'm so bad.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, wow. Twins.

That's fun.

That's not.

Oh! Oh, look at us.

We're like the Pink Ladies,
except our jackets are black.

- We're the Black Ladies.
- No.

Yeah, I'm gonna go get Santa hats,

and we'll do the
Christmas photo right now.

HEATHER: Clever fix, Greg.

You just made it worse.

What did you make worse, Greg?

Look, I know that this
looks bad, it's just,

I got the jacket for
Mom first. All right?

And I told her that she was getting it

before I realized that you wanted one.

So you told her about the
gift before you gave it to her?

Well, yeah, I always do, because
I worry about her and surprises.

But not you. I don't have to
worry about you and surprises,

which is why I got you another one.

Check your pocket.

What? Greg. You got me something else?

What is this? This a,
uh, this a freshener?

JOAN: Oh, my!

(GASPS)

Greg hid a bracelet in my pocket,

and it's engraved.

"To the most beautiful
mom, I love you forever."

Oh, my darling.

_

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(EXHALES)

Why don't you go
breathe in your own house

and stop sprinting across the
street and eating my leftovers?

I drove over here.

I'm a little out of breath
because of all the steps

you got leading up to your front porch.

There's just one.

Mm-mm. I'm counting your
welcome mat as a step.

When was the last time you saw a doctor?

Well, last time I looked
in the mirror, so Monday.

No, no, no. When was the
last time you had a physical?

Eh, doctors don't really get physicals.

You know, after 40, you
should get them annually.

And if you ask, they'll
send you a postcard.

Sometimes it's nice to get mail.

I like getting mail.

Me, too.

(GRUNTING)

I sweat through the paper. (CHUCKLES)

Feel like a giant Italian
hoagie, Mike's Way.

(LAUGHS) Ooh, that reminds me

what I'm gonna have for lunch today.

Burger.

Okay. Breathe in.

- (INHALES)
- Breathe out.

(WHEEZING EXHALE)

Is that, is that enough?
Or do we need more?

- Keep going.
- Okay.

(RINGTONE PLAYING)

Dr. Tim Hughes.

What's the good news?

Tim, it's Dr. Chilada.

Hey, Gwen.

We got your tests back.
I have some tough news.

You have a critical blockage

in your left anterior descending artery.

I need you to get to the ER immediately.

Tim?

(HEART b*ating)

(HORN HONKS)

- Tim?
- (TIRES SCREECH, HORN HONKS)

- Yeah. Uh...
- Come on, idiot!

(CLEARS THROAT) Yep.

I'm here, I'm here. (CHUCKLES)

Sorry, I'm on my way to my
daughter's, uh, soccer game.

She's a goalie. I don't
know if I told you that.

But she's got her dad's
catlike reflexes. (CHUCKLES)

(TIRES SCREECH, HORN HONKING)

Get to St. Joe's right now.

I'll let them know to expect you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER, CHEERING)

Whoo!

What did the doctor say?

I don't know, John.

What did the doctor say?

I'm not telling you a joke, you dummy.

I'm asking about your health.

(YAWNS): Yeah, it's just your, uh,

everyday critical blockage

of the left anterior descending artery.

You mean the widow-maker?

What are you doing, Tim?

You need to be in the
ER, like, yesterday.

Sure, John, I'll just fire
up the old time machine.

(LAUGHS) Trust me, I'm fine.

Are you seriously eating that?

Hmm? Are you asking

because you know it's not mine

or because you saw
it fall on the ground?

This is a medical emergency.

- Look, I'll drive you to the hospital.
- Uh-uh.

I'm not gonna miss Sam's game.

Doctors are wrong all the time.

Come on, what-what are the
chances that my grandfather,

my uncle, my dad, and I

all have the same problem? (LAUGHS)

Very low.

(CHEERING)

Hey, Dad.

Hey, there she is!

My little soccer star.

Oh.

I let 12 goals in.

It's already the highest
scoring game of the season.

And you were a part of it.

(SIGHS)

I'm so proud of you.

There you are out there, just...

living your life to the
fullest, seeing the world.

You got to get out there
and find yourself a good guy

who treats you right and
makes you laugh, right, Sam?

- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
- Above all, he's got to make you laugh.

Okay, Dad.

- Um, are-are you done?
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)

No. No, honey, I'm not done, no.

I'm gonna be around
for a long, long time.

- Don't you worry. (CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

You get out there and
soccer it up, all right?

- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Aw.

- Hey there, buddy.
- (GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

Let me buy you some ice cream.

Yes. Yes, that sounds good.

(CHUCKLING)

Yeah, a little ice
cream... just what I need

to get this pizza cheese moving.

Oh, really hard to decide.

Well, you can have two.

Yes! Two Choco Tacos, please.

- (EXHALES)
- (WHISTLE BLOWS IN DISTANCE)

(CHEERING IN DISTANCE)

TIM: Paramedics?

How could you?

And I was gonna give you a
bite of my Choco Taco, too.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)
- (GIGGLES)

- Tim.
- Hey, babe.

- Oh, hey.
- Hi.

Oh, I'm fine. They just put in a stent.

What were you thinking?

He was in denial.

Hey, I'm the doctor here.

I was in denial.

But your dad saved my
life. Thank you, John.

Yeah, I'm damn good in a crisis.

How's Sam doing?

Oh, she's okay. I told her her
dad was having a heart att*ck

and she had to walk home.

Dad!