04x05 - Sonogram Frog Rub Family

[bunniefuu]

Everything looks good.

- Do you want to know the sex?
- No, no.

We agreed we didn't want to find out.

It was just so much fun
the first time, you know,

except for the labor and then having

to put all the pieces of the
puzzle back together down there.

Yeah, doesn't matter to
us... a boy, a girl, boy.

All that matters is
that the baby is healthy.

Healthy baby. I mean, a boy
would give us one of each,

and variety is the spice of
life, but no variety... that...

Well, girls like hockey, too.

All right, hoist me up.

I haven't peed in ten
minutes, and I may not make it.

- Oh, there she blows. Okay.
- There you go.

And here are the
pictures of your sonogram.

Oh, you don't want this one.

That's a full-frontal.

It's the first time I haven't
wanted to look at full-frontal.

I am sorry. That, um...

That was very inappropriate.

Well, I'm impressed.

Most dads who already
have girls want to know.

Well, I'm not most dads.

Yup. I'm, uh, pretty evolved, Alissa,

except for that whole
full-frontal joke.

It's very out of character for me,

but you just look like the kind
of girl I could fool around with.

Oh, my gosh, I've made it worse.

Wow!

Just saw myself in the
mirror, so, heads up...

might cry on the way home, or rage.

It's gonna be a game-time decision.

Well, I appreciate the heads up.

Do you have the parking
ticket to get validated?

Yeah, I do. Just got it
right here in... my pocket.

What are you doing?

Oh, uh, n-nothing. I'm just, um...

just... hiding an erection.

Hi, Alissa.

We can never come back here.

Wow. Look who ate all her broccoli.

Well, I didn't look.

- Huh?
- What?

I just said Lark ate all her broccoli.

Oh. Hey!

Well, that is... great.

That is really great.

High five. Yeah!

God! No, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, damn it!

Yeah. No, you are right to panic.

Nothing gets water out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What do you think you're doing?

Okay, what is going on with you, dude?

Did you get fired?
Because I can handle it.

You just need to tell me.

No, I did not get fired.

Okay, good, because we're
about to have a baby,

and I could not handle that.

So, what is the deal?

I stole the sonogram that
shows the sex of our kid,

and I put it in the pockets of
those jeans like a real jerk.

Greg. You promised.

I know, but I-I did
not look at it, okay?

I swear. It's tearing me apart.

Just get rid of it.
Please just throw it away.

I don't ever want to see it
again, unless you want to look.

Greg, we agreed we want to be surprised.

I mean, right? Plus, I
thought we don't care.

- We don't care.
- No. We just want a healthy baby.

- Healthy baby.
- Okay, so...

Thank you. Thank you.

Wow. You are...

so strong, you know.

I-I hope that's a
quality our son will have.

Or daughter.

Healthy baby.

Hey, Greg.

I changed my mind.

- Let's look.
- Yes!

All right, I'll get it out of the trash.

Honey, I already did. I
taped it back together.

- And also, I want it to be a boy.
- You do?

Yeah, I know you're not
supposed to say stuff like that,

but I can't help it, you know?

I just think you would
raise such an amazing son,

and the world needs good men.

That is so sweet.

Now show me some penis.

Aw, Greg.

Wow. Will you look at that?

You can't tell, either, huh?

Uh, no clue.

It's a boy.

Really? Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm a doctor.
See? There's the dong.

- Yes!
- Yes, it's a boy.

It's a boy. We're having a boy.

Congratulations, man.

Oh, thanks. And, hey, really great

that you're having a girl, you know?

Have fun at ballet.

Dude, you have a daughter.

Yeah, but now I have a son.

I have one of each.
Perfect family, so eat it.

Okay, just so we're clear,

- healthy baby is most important, right?
- Oh.

Healthy boy is just
like icing on the cake.

- Totally.
- Right.

Uh, where is Alissa?

She said you might ask about her.

Do you guys want to know the sex?

Uh, sure. Yeah.

You can tell us.

What the heck? Right, Greg?

Yeah, sure.

You know, I'm actually
glad that it's you,

'cause I couldn't do that to Alissa.

Okay, well, she looks great.

She?

Is this like one of
those boat situations

where just you call it
"she" no matter what?

Yeah, because we had an actual
doctor tell us it was a boy.

Yeah, look, look. We have a picture.

See? There's the peen.

What? Oh, what is this?
Did you get this wet?

Uh, no, but water doesn't stain.

Uh, it's a girl. Do you
want another picture?

No, no. We get the gist. Thanks.

All right. Well, guys,
congratulations again.

I got to run to my son's hockey game.

Can't miss that. He's my best friend.

Well, all that matters
is that she's healthy.

Healthy baby girl.

Could've sworn that was peen.

_

Been really worried
since Dad almost d*ed,

and I'm not sure what he'll
be around for, and what...

Oh, cool, a froggy! Yeah.

We had to dodge traffic to pick him up

before a car could smush him.

Yeah, I ran into the street
thinking that he was a dollar.

That's so sweet. This frog needed help,

and you're giving it the
love and care it needs.

I'll keep him in the toilet.

No! We have to put him somewhere
that feels like its home.

Or we can just take turns holding him.

Or her.

There are no answers here.

Uh-uh.

Aw.

I knew my fish d*ed for a reason.

Yeah, because you forgot to feed it.

Well, I won't make that
mistake a third time.

Okay, well, it looks like
he's a yellow-brown coqui.

- Aw.
- He's so sweet.

I feel like he's my baby.

This must be what it's
like to be a mother.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, we have to k*ll it.

- What?
- 'Scuse me?

It says right here on the
Fish and Wildlife website.

"The yellow-brown coqui

is an invasive species
capable of destroying

the California ecosystem.

If you come into contact
with one, exterminate it."

- What?
- What?

We have to k*ll Michael?

You named the frog after we
found out we had to k*ll it?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We
are not k*lling Michael.

- Yeah.
- We'll just keep him as a pet.

Nobody has to know.

No. It says that it's
illegal to keep him as a pet

because he might escape.

That's crazy. How can he escape?

He's just a...

Where did he go?

Guys, nobody move.

This would be such a cute picture.

What?

Ready?

One, two, three.

Where's Michael?

What you doing?

I'm looking for Michael.

Oh, honey, I told you.
Michael was allergic to bees.

He's not coming back.

He's not in the car.

Car? Sam, I feel like
you're not even looking.

Because I don't want to k*ll him.

I got him!

He was halfway down
the garbage disposal.

He could've d*ed, you guys.

Then why did you save him?

Because I forgot what we were doing.

None of us want to k*ll him,

but it's either him or the environment.

So the question is: which
one of us is gonna do it?

Yeah, we're not doing that.

Yeah, it's your pet; it's
your responsibility to k*ll it.

Just call animal control.
They'll take care of it.

We did. They said they were too busy

to come take care of one frog.

The guy was screaming about
some sort of zoo escape.

Yeah, I told you I saw a jaguar, Joanie.

I think frogs die if
you take off their legs.

I don't envy you kids.

You know, I had to
k*ll a baby possum once.

Yeah. Drowned it in a bucket.

Oh, dear! Why would you do that?

I had to.

Was it injured?

No, no, but it was a possum.

Guys, I had to.

You had to?

Yes.

Well, I guess we'll
do it ourselves, then.

Hi! Hey, you want to go
play with your cousins?

What are you guys up to?

We're gonna k*ll this cute
little froggy right now.

- You want to come?
- You know what?

How 'bout, uh, we have a
little extra screen time today?

Huh?

Okay.

W... Are we sure this is a good idea?

Yes. We all drop our
bricks at the same time.

That way, nobody knows
who's k*lling the frog.

It's like a f*ring squad.

Especially for you, Tyler.

Oh, come on!

Okay, so nobody knows who
has the frog bag, right?

Nope. But I know who doesn't
have it: me, Sam and Clem.

Sophia!

Okay, so now nobody knows, right?

Okay.

Three...

...two...

No, wait.

Can we just

say something nice about Michael first?

It's not his fault he's invasive.

He's laying his life
down to help the Earth.

So, thank you, Michael.

That was so sweet.

Yeah.

Oh, make sure you throw
your bricks down really hard.

You got to smash the brain.

Good note.

- Mm-hmm.
- Here we go.

Three,

two,

one.

At least it's over.

Yeah. Yeah, but I'm really proud of us.

Okay. Full disclosure:

I lost the frog when I
was changing the bags.

- What?
- What?

Do you think he's
gonna be okay out there?

Yes! That's the problem!
He's going to thrive!

_

And to think that, in the first round,

this team was on the
verge of elimination,

and now in the finals, they are
seconds away from a historic...

You know, my heart att*ck made
me realize just how lucky I am

- to have you.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

You keep telling me that.

I could never rub you enough.

No, you could. You
could, Tim. You-you have.

Down low to Morehead in the post.

He goes up with it, and the sh*t is...

Hey! Whoa!

Beloved family, a toast.

Yes, time is fleeting.

- Yes!
- Oh!

There's ten seconds
left on the clock, Tim.

And that's what it felt like
for me with my own clock.

Oh, my God.

You know, when I look at my children

and I stare into your eyes,

it's like I see my own
seed staring back at me.

Oh, gross, Dad.

Especially you, Tyler.

Please, not another kiss.

Mwah!

On the lips.

How could I forget the rest
of my support system, my rocks?

Make out with him so we
can get back to the game.

Make out with him.

And, of course, my own
personal hero, John.

I wouldn't be here without
you saving my life. Come to me.

No. No. Anybody needs me,

I'll be in the garage working
on my Adirondack chair.

Ah! A throne for my king!

This is one of those games where

you'll remember where you
were when you watched it.

Oh, come on!

This incredible family.

The adventure continues.

- Oh! Heather!
- Oh!

What are you doing?

I'm hiding from Tim.

I just want five minutes
without him rubbing my back.

Oh, honey. You know, it's common,

after a near-death experience,

to be more affectionate to loved ones.

But in this case, it's
just plain annoying.

God, if he tells me one more time

to dance like no one's watching,

I'm gonna k*ll him and
ask everyone to watch.

- Heather!
- Oh, damn it.

Heather!

Ah, there you are.

- Hi.
- Oh. You almost lost me once.

- I don't want you to lose me again.
- Yeah.

No, no, no. Me neither.

We're out of tea!

Could you get me some tea?

From your house?

For you, anything, Joan.

No, it's just a small request,

so you don't need to kiss me on the...

- Mwah!
- Oh.

- Well, you got what you wanted.
- Oh.

Now I'm gonna go get you what
you want. 'Cause I love you.

- And I love you.
- I-I... Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you poor thing. Just leave him.

Joanie, get out here. I
need another pair of hands.

Mm, the damn chair.

Heather...

send Tim.

If anybody can crush his sunny mood,

it's John cursing out a piece of plywood

and bitching about the price of gas.

$4.15 for regular?

When I was a boy, it was just a quarter.

What a life.

Ken Burns could do eight parts on you.

Where'd Joanie go?

Oh, she asked me to take over,

and I cherish the opportunity
to create with you.

It's just a chair.

Well, you lend a man a
chair, he sits but a day.

But you build a man a chair,
he sits for a lifetime.

Uh-huh, like you on
the can at Thanksgiving?

That's beautiful, John.

You know, ever since my episode...

Don't call it your episode.

I'm sorry. You're right.

You were just as scared as I was.

Ever since our episode...

So you could have d*ed; who cares?

Why don't you put on your big-boy pants

and quit French-kissing your kids, huh?

Now hold this.

All right, I'll hold it.

But I'm gonna pretend I'm holding you.

May I hold you?

No!

You know...

This time with you is the most...

precious gift that...

a son-in...

law could ever have!

Why didn't I let you just die?

Here, you take over.

I need a drink.

- Ah, may your cup runneth over.
- Mm.

Got to if I'm gonna deal with you.

I made you, Matt. And you made me.

Damn it. It's blurry.
Dad, can you go again?

Mom?!

Thanks to Tim for his
words of wisdom and...

and the loose bolt that, uh,
came off my Cuban circular saw.

I feel so lucky to have you all.

I can still post this.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No, no. Okay.

My firstborn.

- The mold.
- Mm, thank you, Dad.

No one's ever called me "mold" before.

Mm.

- For both of us. Our North Star.
- Oh.

Hi, Mom.

Look. This is so much better.

Thank you.

_

Ever since Morgan

went to visit her family,

she hasn't returned any of our calls,

and we're worried that's kind of weird.

Or is that fine? 'Cause
we're totally fine.

I'm gonna have one of these, if
that's okay. Thank you so much.

We're concerned, but we're totally calm.

Can't you just eat
that in one bite, Matt?

I like to savor them, Colleen.

Yeah, it's okay to be stressed.

Well, if I was stressed, I'd
be laughing uncomfortably.

This is totally common. You
know, a lot of birth mothers

have these moments where
they go radio silent,

you know, maybe even have a few doubts.

But then they come around.

Either that, or she's dead
in a ditch somewhere, right?

You know what?

Uh, let me try and get
in touch with Morgan.

Just sit tight.

Sit tight.

I'm actually really proud of
how calm we're being, you know?

There are no red ones in here.

Why are there no red ones in here?

Excuse me! There are
no red ones in here!

Why don't you just eat an orange
one and a yellow one together?

Oh.

Hi there.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Did you eat all the red ones?

I wish, dude.

Don't tell.

I didn't see anything.

Lucas, out.

Go play.

I'm really sorry.

- Oh, no. He's so sweet.
- Oh, no, he's such a sweet dude.

No.

I'm sorry.

No.

- No.
- You might...

- No!
- Just...

We don't want the tissues, Sherri!

What did Morgan say?

She decided to keep the baby.

See, sorry, I'm sorry, it's
just that you told us that...

there was nothing to worry about
and that this was common, so...

I know. I'm sorry.

Adoption takes time.

There-there are gonna
be some steps backwards.

But it's all been backward steps.

How long does it take to get
a baby? It's been nine months!

It will work out.

Why would you say that? You don't know.

Do you know?

I'm very sorry.

- I'm so sorry.
- I know.

Why are you crying? Did you fall down?

No, I'm just a little sad.

Do you have to take a bath tonight, too?

No.

We were just trying
to adopt a little baby,

and I don't think it's gonna work out.

We're okay, though. Thank you.

Here. This will make you feel better.

Okay. Thank you.

Oh.

It took me five years,

but I'm meeting my new family tomorrow.

You'll find your family soon.

Okay.

Are you guys okay?

You know, I think... I think we will be.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I mean, if Lucas can wait
five years to get adopted,

- then we can hang in there, right?
- Yeah?

Oh. No, Lucas isn't getting adopted.

Wait, he said he was meeting
his new family tomorrow.

Oh, no. No, he's being
placed in a foster home.

You know, sometimes the
children get a bit confused.

- Oh, no.
- Oh.

Yeah.

Well, when you're ready,

come on in and we'll start your
search for a new birth mother.

Is this crazy?

It doesn't feel crazy.

It feels like maybe it's meant to be.

He was savoring it.

Come on.