09x04 - The William Penn Years

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Growing up, I hated sports.

It wasn't just that I was unathletic
and uncoordinated, but...

Yeah, okay, that was most of it.

Why are the halls bustling?

Everyone's pumped for Friday's
big game against Germantown.

It's the one day the jocks
high-five me instead of low-two me.

- What's a low-two?
- Ah, nice try!

That court document is sealed.

I'm gonna face-paint a football on
one cheek and a helmet on the other.

Or more likely,
just wear something blue.

Is this about barbaric football?

Adam, this is a big deal.

It's the seniors' last game

and a memory that they'll share forever.

Good luck having any memories

with so many traumatic head injuries!

- (BELL RINGS)
- CORBETT: Excuse me?

There they are,
my cognitively awesome bros.

We're too pumped up to even hear

your high-pitched voice right now!

Germantown's going down!

Quaker football for life!

Chest bump!

ALL: Wha!

Uh, hello?

Our chests are waiting to be bumped.

Thank you, no.
But I will give you an actor's bow.

And it's happening!

Mr. Goldberg, off the floor.

This is a school, not a street corner.

Break-dance on your own time.

Principal Ball, you're all riled up

about this dumb game, too?

Hell to the yes!

This is the one day of the year

we put our Quaker values aside

and hope that Germantown's
quarterback tears his ACL.

This is been a healthy give and take.

No, no, no, no, no.
I need you to film the game.

Yeah, our AV teacher is going to a
wedding in Ann Arbor this weekend,

leaving Friday and taking
the whole day off.

Sometimes you need a travel day.

Don't take his side.
He's not even a groomsman.

Sports aren't really my thing.

You know, that nice
admissions lady from NYU

would just hate to hear that
one of their wait-listed students

passed up a chance

to be of service because
it wasn't his "thing."

Since when do you play hardball, Ball?

Since we haven't b*at
Germantown since !

And, yeah, back then, the game
was called "Who's Got the Peanut?"

and women weren't allowed in the stands,

but this is our year!

Fine, I'll film the thing.

Attaboy! Germantown is going down!

Hey, chest bump!

Not again! Whoa!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was October th,
-something.

With Erica engaged
and living with Geoff,

it was time to clean out
her childhood bedroom.

Keep. Ugh, big toss.

(GASPS) Bup-bup.

Strawberry Shortcake, Erica?

For shame.

You've been sniffing her
since you were six.

(INHALES DEEPLY) Mmm.

Fruit baby.

Never mind, I'll just put her
on my keep pile.

You realize puttineverything
from my trash pile

into your keep pile makes
all this pointless?

I got a system,

which is not to let my baby
flush her precious memories

down the toilet.

Mom, it's obvious you're really upset

because your most attractive child

will never live under
your roof again. Ever.

You'll be back, because I still have

the one thing you need most.

- Money?
- B.L.C.

Bever-Loving-Care.

You may want to try money.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Jane Bales. (CHUCKLES)

I didn't say your name three times

while looking in a mirror.

Beverly.

I see you still haven't
updated your decor...

Or face.

Is there something you needed,

or do goblins just
trick-or-treat year-round?

As you know, I have
a thriving real estate empire,

hence the gold jacket, which
exudes opulence and success.

And doesn't at all make you look like

a valet from Atlantic City.

(CHUCKLES) I'm not
letting you sell my home.

This moldy box of off-brand furniture?

Oh, God, no.

I'm the agent for the house next door,

and I need you to mow your lawn.

- Our lawn is fine.
- Fine?

I keep thinking Shoeless Joe Jackson's

going to come out of it
and play baseball.

Wait, Arnie Wofsy's moving?

To Palm Springs. Well, Palm Desert.

People say it's the same, but it is not.

So there's an open house?

Yes, but steer clear.

I don't want any potential buyers

to meet the riffraff
they share a fence with.

You get it. You've seen you.

Ta.

Murray, Wofsy's moving.

What the hell's a Wofsy?

You know Arnie Wofsy.

He's lived next door to us for years.

That guy's a putz. He's got my rake.

Well, you can ask for it back
at the open house.

It's the last sh*t I have to quietly

judge the inside before
someone moves in.

You mean I gotta get up and
walk all the way next door?

And put on shoes.

Oh, it just keeps
getting worse. (GRUMBLES)

ADULT ADAM: And so, my mom dragged
my dad to the open house next door.

Oh, my God. Can you believe this place?

They even have a drawer
just for batteries.

They got the AAs, the Ds,
and even the square ones.

This brochures says there's a pool,
a sauna, and a chef's kitchen

Can you imagine what I would do

with meats and cheeses in here?

I already have.

And they got a TV in
the half-bath off the den.

Well, if you like that little fella,

you should check out the media room.

Media room?

It is a space dedicated to television.

(CHOIR SINGING)

Complete with sumptuous leather chairs,

a full-size fridge, and stadium seating

so that no one can ever block your view.

It's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.

I know.

I had no idea all this was here.

Why weren't we friendly with the Wofsys?

Friendly? Who wants to be
friendly with their neighbors?

Hello, Goldbergs.

Ah, it's the guy from,
uh, the thing that I know.

I'm your child's guidance counselor,

John Glascott. (CHUCKLES) You know me.

If you say so.

Are you in the market for a new home?

Oh, I wish. I'm your classic lookie-loo.

I'm currently living above
a Bengali restaurant.

The intense spices permeate my bedroom,

causing a rare condition
called "curry eye."

Ugh. Now I know things about you.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Never have before.
- I want to live here.

- What?
- This house is incredible.

The kids are moving out,
but if we live here,

they'll want to move back in.

That doesn't seem like the right reason,

but I do love the media room.

Love is real!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

- Murray.
- Wofsy.

Quite a house you have here.

- And?
- We want to buy it.

Way under asking and with
multiple contingencies.

Thank you for accepting.

Not a chance in hell.

We can negotiate the price.

I would never sell to the likes of you.

What is happening?

I'll show you to the lovely,
solid mahogany door,

which is a real showpiece
for the entryway,

or in your case, the exit way.

- It's an open house.
- It's a closed house.

Dang it! This is
my air-conditioning time.

But why?
We haven't spoken to you in years.

Ask your husband.

Come to think of it,

it might have been me
that took his rake.

You better fix it.

I want this house, Murray.

Oh, my.

I came for the fresh-baked cookies,

but I'm leaving with fresh-baked drama.

(LAUGHS) And a cookie.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom's
dream was crushed,

I was ready to crush
my video assignment.

Go, physically gifted people
who live in my area!

You sure you're going to be
able to follow all the action?

Uh, I've seen Wildcats
with Goldie Hawn, so maybe.

You make everything less fun.

We're gonna go find a seat.

What's wrong with up here?

Sorry, babe.
The top row of the bleachers

is for weirdos and oddballs.

- And superfans!
- No, Barry!

You graduated three years ago.

This is the alumni section...

Former students and honored graduates

who've gone on to make
something of themselves

and like to give back.

Give back?

What could you possibly have to offer?

My encouraging screams.

And we are seconds away, folks.

ADULT ADAM: I had to admit, that night,
there was an energy in the air.

Had I been wrong? Were sports exciting?

And here is the kickoff!

Germantown...

Does not return.

ADULT ADAM: Nah. It was boring as hell.

Here's the snap.

Nope. Dead ball.

Oh, so slow.

Which led me to get distracted
by just about anything.

(LAUGHS) I have to say it,
that is a handsome pigeon.

My Spanish teacher's really
mowing down that snow cone.

That dude in the opposite
stands looks like Carl Weathers.

Scoreboard zoom! Ee-ooh-ee-ooh.

Hot pigeon is back!

Strut your stuff, my fetching friend!

This is it, folks.
Six ticks left on the clock.

Looks like the Quakers are about
to lose another heartbreaker.

There's the snap.

Walls drops back.

And he fumbles!

But wait,

Corbett, he squirts out of the pile!

Whoa, look at the veins

- on Principal Ball's head.
- He laterals back to Spink!

- He's really getting into it.
- Spink back to Walls, and...

And there's daylight! There's daylight!

He... could... go... all... the... way!

Touchdown! Touchdown!

What are we so excited about?

Is the band coming back on the field?

We won! We won!

I'm going down there.

Maybe a lineman will give me
a hip pad as a souvenir!

Oh, [bleep].

ADULT ADAM: While I missed
the biggest play ever,

my dad was taking a swing
making nice with the neighbor.

Hey, Wofsy.

Here's your rake. Are we good?

This isn't my rake.
This is a small hand rake.

I loaned you a full-size leaf rake.

A rake's a rake.

Every autumn,
I love gathering all the fallen leaves.

I build a big pile,
and sometimes, I frolic in it.

You took that from me.

Fine. I'll buy you another rake

so you can do your
upsetting leaf business.

Oh, it's not just the rake.

Your kids hit a million balls
and Frisbees over my fence,

and for some reason, three hockey nets.

You could have tossed them back over.

I did, and they hit them back,

and then they say,
"We're playing fence volleyball."

That's between you and them.

And what about the avocado tree?

I love guacamole, okay? Is that a crime?

No, but dangling your
youngest child from a ladder

to steal your neighbor's
tree treasure is.

Screw this! Screw you!

I need my special hand-rake back.

Choke on my guac, Goldberg!

I can't, Wofsy! 'Cause you ran out!

ADULT ADAM: While my dad
dropped the ball,

I was hoping a test audience
wouldn't notice my costly fumble.

...could... go... all... the... way!

Touchdown! Touchdown!

What the hell is this?

Why are we looking at Principal Ball?

Well, Principal Ball's
unbridled enthusiasm

distracted me from the
handsome pigeon I was filming.

You were filming a pigeon?

You didn't see this pigeon.

Birds do have a mesmerizing way.

Shut up, Matt Bradley.

Birds are the roaches of the sky.

Is it that bad?

Because the school wants
to do a post-game pep rally

and show the game at lunch tomorrow.

I'd probably just leave
the country if I were you.

I mean, they're going to hunt
you down wherever you go,

but see a little bit
of this crazy world first.

You should also change your name.
Maybe Xander Hamlin?

Oh, he can't pull off Xander.
Maybe Bernard or a Chester.

I'm not moving out of the country

and living a different life
as a Chester.

Then there's only one solution.

Come clean and...

We re-create the play on video.

Yes. That sounds reasonable
to me in this moment.

But we're just four dudes.

Four dudes with the raw skill

and physical perfection
of a varsity football team.

Plus, with my slick editing,

no one will know
the difference, probably.

ADULT ADAM: At least
that's what I'd hoped,

but they knew the difference,

and were not afraid
to express their opinion.

(CROWD BOOING ANGRILY)

Dude, what did you do?

A seamless re-creation?

That's clearly your brother
and his idiot friends!

- One of them's wearing jeans!
- I'll handle this.

Relax! Sports don't matter!

(BOOING ANGRILY)

My brother couldn't help me fix
my big sports screw-up,

so I had to step up to the
plate and face the high heat...

Whatever that means.

This is the worst thing that
ever happened to our school

since the witch burnings.

You're lucky we don't do that anymore.

Technically, I'd be a warlock.

That's what they call male witches.

Just FYI, if it comes up socially.

When would it come up socially?

At a Wiccan cocktail party?

Perfect example, but I'm still furious.

What if we just lob a call to
Germantown Prep and redo the game?

That's your solution?

Look, I don't want to overstate this,

but you have k*lled
our school spirit forever!

I can fix that.

What is spirit anyway

if not something dead that
comes back to haunt people?

But in a good way.

Stop speaking in tongues, warlock.

I'll make a new video of the seniors

sharing their joyful
William Penn experiences.

Why should I give you another sh*t?

Because, like our football team,

you love the story of an underdog

coming from behind for a big win.

But if you don't reinvigorate
our student spirit,

I'm calling NYU and showing
them the pigeon video.

The stakes are weirdly high.

ADULT ADAM: With that,
I set off to win back my classmates.

Yo, Walls! Senior year!
Hit me with your favorite memory.

Eat a hot, wet dog turd, Goldberg.

Which they weren't exactly happy about.

You ruined my life.

I was gonna put that in my
hype reel to get into SMU!

Here's a senior quote...

"Every second of every day,

"I want to kick you in the head."

I say this as an educator...
You [bleep] up.

- (CROWD BOOING)
- While my peers rejected me,

my mom was looking for a
little help from her friends.

Okay, Wofsy won't sell to us,

so, Ginzy, I need you to put
the house in your name

and I will pay you back over many,
many years at little to no interest.

Beverly, this is book club.

We're talking about
Toni Morrison's Beloved.

Well, I would be-love-it
if you would just do it.

- Linda, how's your credit?
- Bad.

Then I'm tapped out. Anyone else?

Why don't you seduce him with
home-cooked meals and baked goods?

Or...

Essie actually seduces him.

Excuse me, now?

Come on, you're single
and ready to mangle.

Let's fix your hair and makeup
and send you over there.

What's wrong with my hair and makeup?

Mom, I shouldn't have to say this again,

but sending your friends to do adult
favors is no way to get a house.

Do you have any better ideas?

Ooh, write a letter.

That's what my parents did
when they bought their house.

Lou and I wrote a note that
was so moving and heartfelt

that the nice, old lady wept in my arms.

Of course. A heartfelt letter. Oh.

But instead of Geoff's stupid
idea, we'll do my thing.

Kids, follow me.

I'm insulted, but along for the ride.

ADULT ADAM: And so my mom took a
sh*t at doing what she does best...

Emotional manipulation.

Listen, I know you
have issues with Murray,

but I gotta tell you the real
reason we need this house.

- What's that?
- We're pregnant.

- The hell?
- Mom!

They're shy about it, but it's true.

Erica is with child.

I can't feel my body.

Congrats. How far along are you?

Oh, far enough along
to know the clock is ticking,

and they cannot start a family
in that dingy studio apartment

with asbestos and raccoons,
right, Erica?

Uh, poison, woodland
creatures, and a baby...

It could all be true.

I loved having my grandkids close.

Then my son-in-law dragged
them away to the desert

so he could start a magic club.

Idiot. With his cards
and illusion cabinet.

Well, these two aren't going anywhere.

Or stopping at one.

She's got about, uh,
five to seven more to spit out.

She definitely knows my body.

Have you ever heard of a family bed?

Well, ours is gonna
fit three generations.

Oh, speaking of three,
let's talk numbers.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
made headway with Wofsy,

I needed a new way
to restore school spirit.

- Hot...
- Hype!

Every second of every day, I want to...

- ADAM: What do we think?
- I love it.

Sorry.

I'm talking about my giant Tootsie Roll.

Your video is crap.

Stupid sports ruin everything!

It's not sports' fault.

In fact, you actually love sports.

For example, what's this?

That's my costume from
Jesus Christ Superstar.

I played Unnamed Apostle.

That's your jersey.

- And this is?
- My playbill from The Wiz.

The school paper said my performance

was "alarmingly insensitive."

See? That's your program.

And the script is your playbook.

The stage is your playing field,
the cast is the team,

and the audience is the crowd.

I get it. Theater is my sport.

Only one problem, football sucks.

To you. But for a lot of people,

it's their best memory of high school.

I mean, what if some jerk took
your precious musical away?

I wouldn't have that permanent
rash from that cat costume,

but I see what you're saying. Thanks.

ADULT ADAM: As I set out
with a new plan,

my parents went about the
business of selling our old house.

You know, usually, during open houses,

the homeowner isn't around, and yet,

uh-heh, here you are.

- Work around me.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

Okay.

Hi, welcome! Come on in!

Thanks. (LAUGHS)

- So much character.
- Mm-hmm.

Banister's a little wonky, though.

You'll definitely want to replace that

with maybe something
tasteful and not gross,

but the house has good bones.

Just terrible skin and teeth
and furniture and room flow.

Ugh. And the carpet.

Oh, yeah. It's from a crime scene.

Let's pop into the kitchen and see
what else we can rip the ass out of.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out that one
open house did make a sale...

To my dad.

Whoo-hoo! Old man Wofsy took the bait.

% over asking in cash!

(GRUNTS) Look out, block!
The Goldbergs are upsizing!

We're moving!

No, we're not.

♪

ADULT ADAM: After messing up

and becoming the most
hated kid in school,

I had one final sh*t
for a legendary comeback.

Okay.

I know none of you want to be here,

but there's one senior
who just won't quit.

Adam.

So, I know we'll never have video

of the amazing thing our
football team did that day.

I'm sorry.

I just figured, if I lost
one special moment,

maybe I could help find a few more.

ADULT ADAM: That night,

I didn't know if I'd graduate
with everyone hating me,

but I figured that with a great song,

I could remind everyone that our
time together was truly a wonder.

♪ What would you do
if I sang out of tune? ♪

ADAM: Looking back, I'm amazed
at the time we've spent here,

that we've gotten to grow up
together at William Penn Academy.

What else can I say about
our class other than...

There wasn't another one like it.

♪ Try not to sing out of key ♪

♪ Oh, baby, I get by ♪

♪ I get by with a little help
from my friends ♪

♪ All I need is my buddies ♪

♪ I get by with a little he
from my friends... ♪

Some of us have been together
since first grade,

and most haven't changed a bit.

It's funny how, even if
we weren't close friends,

we were all connected.

That's what makes this place special.

The people,

and that's what we'll take away.

William Penn has taught us lots...

That is, when we paid attention.

We learned that life
is about messing up,

getting up, growing up.

Yeah, we're all just kids with
our whole lives ahead of us,

but the William Penn years,
they really were the best.

♪

(SCATTERED CLAPPING)

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

ALL: Seniors! Seniors!
Seniors! Seniors! Seniors!

Whoo!

♪

Nice work, Mr. Goldberg.

You might really have a
future in this kind of thing.

ADULT ADAM: Maybe I did.

Murray, I don't get it.
You wanted that house, too.

I did.

Until that mean lady realtor

wanted to replace the banister.

So? It is wobbly.

Really? Tear down the banister

where little moron Barry
got his head stuck?

- No, thank you.
- You remember that?

Of course I remember that.
I remember everything.

That stain in the carpet
that they want to pull out,

that's from Adam being an idiot,

and that chip in the wall
that they want to replace,

that's from Erica's stupid head.

Oh, Murray.

No media room is worth
losing all of that.

This is our broken-down,
busted-up house.

It's perfect.

You're not moving?

No.

I thought I could trick you

into spending more time with me, but...

I can't leave these memories.

Mom, we'll go, but no matter what,

we'll always come back.

This is our home forever, too.

♪

(CLICKS TONGUE)

But I already wrote the check to Wofsy.

Oh, damn it.

Well, I guess you guys
will have to live next door.

Yeah, no.

Your little pregnancy
performance earlier

made living next to you
seem not so great.

It was the family bed for me.

Then I think I have another idea.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out
you can think about the future

and still hold onto the past.

(LAUGHING)

Looking back at high school,

we were all different people
with different interests,

but we shared a certain bond,

not because of where we'd come from,

but because of the years
we had spent together.

Because in the end,
all that matters is the people.

Sure, they may come and go
throughout the course of our lives...

Oh, howdy, neighbor-slash-landlord.

(CHUCKLES) I hope you like bird-sitting.

...but the memories
they create are forever.

♪

(BELL DINGS)

ADAM: The Wonder Years is the best.

Who doesn't love a kid looking
back at his formative years

with... I'm just gonna say it... Wonder?

Except I don't buy Kevin and Winnie.

It's like, why is she with him?

What? He's a loveable every-boy

with timeless and deceptive charm.

Ehh. He's short and has a weird voice.

Plus, he's got that
really annoying best friend.

Paul's the breakout character.

If anyone's annoying,
it's the older brother.

Wayne rules.

I like the way he doesn't
think anything through.

I'm a fan of the older sister.

Why don't they give her more stories?