03x02 - Episode Two

[bunniefuu]

Thanks for this.

Kate's so grateful you agreed
to spend the weekend at her folks'

for her dad's birthday.

It's no imposition at all.

I know what it's like
when the old ball and chain

gets the thumb screws out.

No, Dad, mine and Kate's
relationship's not like that at all.

I couldn't be happy unless
I knew Kate was happy too.

Hello, welcome to the family seat.

I, for one,
certainly wouldn't call it a vile

mishmash of architectural styles.

Well, you see, Kate's family
have been on a journey from the

gypsy roots via Carole's work
as an air stewardess to setting up

party pieces, the go-to destination
for all your party needs.

Here he is.
Ha-ha-ha.

Oi, oi, saveloy.

Where did you come off the M then?

Well, I don't know,
you'd have to ask my chauffeur.

Ha-ha-ha.

Well, come on in then you numpties,
we're gonna have a right old laugh.

Yes, the next . hours
are going to fly by.

So, Mike, did you,
catch the game on Saturday?

Yeah, we give you a right spanking.

Yah, you, you spanked us
right good and proper.

Oh, it's my suppliers,
no rest for the wicked, eh?

Ha-ha.

Hello, Party Pieces,
Mike Middleton speaking.

What on Earth are you talking
about?

Football.

Mike's a West Ham fan,
I'm an Aston Villa fan.

We always have these
types of discussions.

Prior and subsequent to game.

You've never been to a football
match in your life. I have.

When I present the Cup
at the FA Cup Final.

OK.

I'd better take this in the
office, lads.

There's been a change
of plan about the dolls.

Bye, Mike.

Why didn't you take me to the
football when I was growing up?

I took you to the opening
night of Cosi van Tutte,

followed by dinner with
the artistic director.

How many boys get that
for their fifth birthday?

Sometimes, I just wish
you were more like Mike.

Mike? Mike is the most
common man I've ever met.

And I've met the entire
cast of Gogglebox.

Ugh.

What is that?

Oh, something Snappy Snaps do,

where photos are put on canvases to
make them look like oil paintings.

There's nothing vulgar about it.

Our family was painted by
Van Dyck and Holbein.

And Rolf Harris.

We didn't know he was a kiddy
fiddler when we commissioned him.

Or Antipodean.

You're nothing but a massive snob.

How dare you call me that?

Ah, oh.

I've never been to a
music festival before.

So fun to be doing something
so normal and down to Earth.

How did you get tickets?

Just came in the post.

I think they were meant for
Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas.

Well, hopefully
she got your County Court judgment.

Fingers crossed, yes.

Oh, anyway, it's so lovely to be
here with my two lovely girls.

Let's always stay together.

I'll drink to that.

May I check your passes?

Mm, course you can, young man.

Yes, and, where's your other one?

Oh, no, that's all they sent Fergie.

I mean, me.

I see, well there's three of you,
and you only have two passes.

What do you mean?

Well, one of you will have to go
in to the general admission area.

Can't you just overlook it?

I'm sorry but the hippy farmer
that runs this festival,

he's very strict, now, which one

of your daughters should I take?

I can't.
I can't choose, I can't.

Well, make a choice, or else I'll
have to send them both out there.

I can't.
Please, don't make me.

Security, take both of these women,

and throw them
in to general admission.

Hey!

Er, no.

Beatrice!

Beatrice, take Beatrice.

Mummy!
Oh.

Mummy!

Oh.

Aperol spritz, madam.

Oh, what sort of mother am I?

Oh, Beatrice.

Bit more orange in that please.

Oh, Beatrice.

Oh, there you are.

Hey, I've thought of the perfect
birthday present you could give Dad.

But I've got him
that Lynx gift pack.

I want you to make him a Duke.

A Duke?

You know I like Mike, a lot,
but that's pretty high up,

and the Lynx pack has
deodorant and aftershave.

No, I really think an hereditary
Dukedom's the way to go.

OK, Kate.

Let me think about it.

Oh, hi, Pippa.
Where's little Arthur?

Dunno.

Oh, in the car probably,
I couldn't carry everything.

Do you want to see what I
got Dad for his birthday? No.

I had it engraved.

Oh, puke.

But I'm sure it'll help you stay
Daddy's favourite.

That's not why I got it.

What have you got him?

Something nice.

Just gonna pop out.

You know the petrol
station's closed.

I wasn't going to the
petrol station.

I just love our cosy cottage.

It was so nice of the public
to spend the £ . million

refurbishing it for us.

And there's something about
posting pictures of bread

that nourishes the soul.

Oh, tits.

Right, well, I'm off to the
library to get a book.

Harry? Is that true?

Er, no.

So where do you really wanna go?

To the pub to watch the rugger.

There.

Doesn't that openness make you feel
lighter with your new self,

can you feel the positive energy?

Does that mean I can go?

Of course.

Just be back by . .

Little hand on eight,
big hand on six.

Well done.

You've made real progress.
Thanks.

Right, well I'm just gonna
go get my library card.

Sorry.

I mean, tankard.

Everything all right, Wills?

Yah, just had a bit of
a row with the old man.

Well, it wouldn't be a party without
a row, would it? Ha-ha-ha.

Gosh, Mike, so wise.

Hello, Party Pieces.

Mike Middleton speaking.

Oh, let's party.

Yes, we do do balloons.

Wow, he's a man who
lives in the real world

and deals with real problems.

No, we don't do cake,
we found it caused an issue with vermin.

So decisive and
Dad's so namby pamby.

And you too,
don't forget to check out the website.

Party on, dude.

Mike, I wanna come
and work with you.

What? What, instead of being king?

I wanna do something
worthwhile with my life.

I could never make this many
people happy being king as you do,

providing a variety of party
accessories for all occasions.

Yeah, but being king's valuable too.

Not as valuable as Senior Vice
President in charge of marketing.

So is that all right then?

Yeah.

Course.

You won't regret it.

Now, what's e-mail?

How you getting on with the bunting?
Just finished.

I said Mike not Mick.

You're not my boss, Carole.

This isn't a short haul
flight to Dusseldorf.

No, you're right, it doesn't matter.

The main thing is I've got
both of me girls back home.

Oh, you poor thing.

No, it's good.

Here, they done well
for themselves, ain't they?

One's gonna be queen and the
other's married a billionaire.

Not bad for a trolley dolly,
is it, eh?

Yes, they have done well.

Especially Kate.

In the old days if someone
of her class wanted to get

that near a future king,
she'd have to be a prost*tute.

Well, I always say, it's not where
you start, it's where you finish.

I mean who cares about titles
these days?

You're not worried you're not
gonna be queen, are you?

I think you're a little
confused, Carole.

Must be all the amyl nitrate
you did over the years

with your gay air steward friends.

No, you see, the British public
won't stomach you as queen,

that's why all you'll ever be
is Princess Consort.

No, the next Queen of England's
gonna be my Kate.

It'll be like
you never even existed.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Oh, God. Oh.

Please, please.
This is awful.

Oh, God.

I think I've had too much
gently carbonated water.

♪ I'm h-a-p-p-y

♪ I know I am, I'm sure I am

♪ I'm h-a-p-p-y. ♪

Sorry about the smell,
it was like that before I went in.

That's OK, bound to stink like that
after two days.

When are they gonna empty them?

Oh, they don't,

they just pour a chemical on
the poo at the end of each day.

You don't have to use it though,

you could hold it in
or wee behind the line.

Oh, yah.

Gosh, you're so street smart.

Don't I recognise you
from somewhere?

He seems such a normal guy.

If I tell him who I am,
it might spoil things.

No, I'm Trish, a common shop girl.

Well, Trish,
let me show you round.

I'm Ash, by the way.

Gosh!

The Charles and Camilla dolls
just aren't selling.

But, swap their heads round, we can
turn 'em in to Wills and Kate dolls.

But I say we get rid of Charles
and Camilla right now

and replace them
with Wills and Kate.

They're much more popular
in America anyway.

I'll do it.

I don't mind getting my hands dirty,
it's simple,

I just get 'em down in the basement
and cut their heads off.

You wanna k*ll us?

I'm ready to be Britain's king.

Yes, that's what I like to hear.

Like I say,
I'm happy to cut their heads off,

it's gonna be a completely new
line, and a whole new empire.

It's true.

Wills is in on it.

Camilla!

COMMENTATOR: England coming out
now on to the pitch.

A bottle of scotch and a
packet of fags to take out.

And wrap them,
they're for a present.

Pippa?

Harry!

What are you doing here?

I'm staying at my parents'
place, this is their local.

What about you?

Well, it's the only pub
in Berkshire with a telly.

So, how are things
with you and Meghan?

How are you coping with her,
what's a nice way of putting it,

Californian gobble-de-gook?

Oh, I'm picking up most of it now.

Shall we get sh*t-faced?

I'd love to but I promised
Meghan I'd be back soon.

I'm sure she wouldn't begrudge you
one little drink with an old friend.

You're right, she'd love it.

So, mojito, B and a cosmopolitan
all mixed up in a pint glass?

You remembered.

Birthday present for dad.

sh*t, isn't it?
Bloody Kate's getting him a Dukedom.

Well, you could buy him this pub.
What?

Well, it's called
The Duke of Marlborough.

Of course,
and that's kind of a Dukedom.

And he loves this pub.

Oh, I'd be dead chuffed
if someone got me one.

Sky Sports, beer, crisps...

Back in a sec.

..darts, beer.

Ah, there you are.
What the f*ck is a Princess Consort?

Oh, you heard about that?

Focus on the positive,
I'm still gonna be king.

Look, we've got to leave.

Mike and Carole are
planning to k*ll us.

Don't try and wriggle out of this.

I heard him.

They're gonna take us down to the
basement and cut off our heads.

Actually, Carole did suggest
I might cease to exist.

See how they have to live.

I mean, what would you do
to escape this squalor?

Oh, my God, you're right.

They're going to k*ll us.

There you are, so,
any more thoughts about the Dukedom?

No.

Something much bigger's happened.

What's going on?

I've renounced the throne
to work for Party Pieces.

What? When were you planning
to discuss this with me?

Yah, I thought about that,
and then I remembered all the times

you said you'd love me
if I was a king or a cobbler.

Yes, I did say that, didn't I?

You know,
I just can't turn in to my Dad.

You understand that?

Don't you?

Yes, of course I do.

I love you, Kate.

Thanks.

We've got to get out of here.

Oh, calm down.

I've never run away
from anything in my life.

Except for Mr Parker-Bowles,
your first husband.

Can't think!
Now did I bring my...

Aren't you frightened?

I don't do fear, one of those
detached personalities that

would've made me an excellent
fighter pilot, or surgeon.

Wouldn't that require you
having O Levels?

Got it.

Who's ready for a cheeky margarita?

Oh, I was gonna take 'em down in
the cellar and show 'em me workshop.

Oh, don't get him started
on his new chop saw,

you'll never get out of there.

Ha-ha ha-ha.

Actually Carole, I used
to make a mean cocktail.

Why don't you let me
mix you up something special?

Oh, thank you, Camilla.

You see, you can be normal.

Done it.

Dad is now the owner
of The Duke of Marlborough.

Oh, he's one lucky guy.

Thanks for the idea, Harry.

Meghan!

Look, look who I bumped in to.

Yes, bumped in to.

It really was just a coincidence.

Why are you saying
it like that, Pippa?

It sounds like it
wasn't a coincidence.

Oh, sorry, oh,
it really was just a coincidence.

Exactly.

Well, I'd better go give
Dad his present.

Enjoy the rest of your evening,
lovely to see you, Meghan.

Nothing was going on.

Get in the car.

Oh, there are so many flavours.
Mm.

And so exotic.

What's it called again?

It's a, it's a kebab.

Wow!

And it was only £ ?

Mm.

So Trish,
what do you fancy doing now?

How about, everything.

Woo!

Woo, woo.

I'm really falling for you, Ash.

But, I haven't been totally
honest with you.

What do you mean?

I'm not called Trish.

I'm Princess Beatrice.

Ninth in line to the throne.

Oh, the one whose dad's a paedo?

No, he was friends with a paedo, and
they weren't actually that close,

it's just someone Mummy
borrowed money off.

So did you believe me
when I said I was a shop girl?

Well, it did seem odd you having
never seen a pence piece.

So do you think that we
can still make this work?

Oh, Beatrice, you're still alive.

More than that, being thrown
in to general admissions

is the best thing that's ever
happened to me.

I've got a pass now,
I stole it off Taylor Swift

when she was having
her chakras realigned.

But I know what it's like to live
the real life, I know what

it's like to queue for food and
pay for it with your own money.

Well,
actually I paid for everything.

Beatrice, Level
are about to go on.

Level ?

Oh, yes, don't you remember?

I used to get you to sleep each
night by doing the bass parts

from Lessons in Love.

I remember, Mummy.

But you can watch it
from this side with me.

From half a mile away?

Then afterwards, we can go
to the pamper parlour,

just mother and daughter.

What about Eugenie,
your favourite daughter?

She's passed out.

Beatrice, what about all that stuff
you said about how much you

really like queueing up?

It was fun, for a while.

It's all fake in there,
and out here, it's real.

Real?

Or just horrid?

Sorry, Ash.

All right, Beatrice.

I guess we were never meant to be.

Every time I see a chemical toilet,
I'll think of you.

Gosh, so that's how Excel works.

Are you sure about all this, Wills?

I mean, it's a lot to give up.

What, you mean the ski holidays?

Caribbean holidays,
the film premieres, Wimbledon?

Oh, I've had a belly full of it.

We've had it all our lives.

Well, I mean technically I haven't.

I've just thought...

We won't be able to
live in the palace any more.

Yes!
We could move in here.

I'll ask Mike to let us
build an annexe in the garden.

Wills?

Monstrous cabin crew on the face
of an old friend.

Dad's been exploiting
my royal connection.

Oh!

But if I tell Wills, it will
destroy his dream of a normal life.

And that's how Dad's
been exploiting us.

Right.

So I suppose now you'll probably
have to stop working for him

and go back to waiting to be king.

Yah.

Oh, damn.

And we were both so looking forward
to living in that annexe.

Better go and apologise to Dad.

I was terribly rude to him earlier.

♪ God save our gracious Queen. ♪

Now, you know how important
honesty is in a relationship,

did you arrange to meet
Pippa in that pub?

No.

Oh, Harry.

I'm sorry that I ever doubted you.

That's OK.

And I love you more
than I ever have.

And there isn't even a tiny part
of you that would still like to

sleep with Pippa?

Be honest.

Meghan, honestly,
I suppose there is.

What?

Well, I mean she's gorgeous, what
bloke wouldn't wanna sleep with her?

Oh, well that's a weight off, right,
I'm just gonna pop to the fridge,

see if there's any more of that
delicious wheat grass smoothie.

I mean lager... wine.

Fine, voddy, out the freezer.

Uh.

Dad.

Yeah, so they sent you, did they?

What?

I'm warning you,
I won't go without a fight.

The Dalai Lama taught me Kung Fu.

Look, Dad, I owe you an apology.

I was wrong about Mike
and I was wrong about you.

Oh, this isn't gonna work.

Just do it.

What? Mike's been exploiting us.

He had dolls of you and Camilla and
he was going to cut off their heads

and replace them
with mine and Kate's. What?

The point is, I only have one dad.

And I love him.

I've got to stop Camilla.

Dad, I'm trying to open up
to you here,

why couldn't you ever show
any emotion?

Camilla's about to poison
the Middletons.

How's that for emotion?

Where are they?
In the drawing room.

I mean, the lounge.

What do you call these
cocktails of yours then, Camilla?

Death by vodka.

Better not have more
than a couple then!

Oh, I think
one will be quite sufficient.

Am I in time for cocktail hour?

Oh, the more, the merrier.

Bottoms up!

Wait!

She's about to poison you.

It's them or us.
Well, you monster.

Actually Camilla, I think I might've
got the wrong end of the stick.

Oh, you inbred buffoon!

I'm sorry, it seems I was about
to do something a bit rash.

You don't have to
apologise for anything.

If your family hadn't
come in to our lives

and I hadn't made such
a meal of it on the website,

I'd be celebrating my birthday
in just a large detached house,

instead of a massive
detached house.

Ha-ha-ha.

Well, said Mike.

But I feel I should apologise
for being a snob and belittling

everything you've achieved
in your life, no matter how small.

Oh, you never said that.

No, but I thought it.

Oh, Bea, I missed you so much I
didn't know what to do with myself.

Yeah, and I'm sorry Mummy chose me.

But good to know where we all stand.

No, Eugenie, I want it made
perfectly clear that

I love you both equally.

Well, that's patently not true,
is it?

It is.

But if only there was another choice
I could make to prove it.

We ordered three mojitos.

And there's only two.

Who gets them?

There you are you see, girls,
I, I love you both the same.

Hic.

Well, shame you've gotta leave
so early.

But perhaps it's for the best.

Oh, Carole, you're not still
brooding over Camilla's

m*rder attempt?

It was a genuine mistake.

Yes.

Mike's forgiven me.

Well, I'm not quite so big hearted.

You see, you have crossed
the Middletons,

and that is something
you do not come back from.

I hardly think the Middletons
are a match for the Windsors.

Oh, yeah?

I think you're forgetting
you're not gonna be the next Queen.

My Kate is.

Which will make me...

the Queen Mother!

Well, let's hope nothing
happens to her then.