02x04 - Justice

[bunniefuu]

[HARMONICA PLAYS]

It's pretty good, Ellen,

it really is an excellent speech.

You should try it at our parole hearing.

I cannot leave you alone for a moment.

Did we make bail, Henry?

I can't take it anymore. I am serious.

Myles, you've been in
here for minutes.

He means Curtis' harmonica.

He only knows one tune.

Ellen is fashioning a
shiv out of a spoon.

Well, before I do anything,

you're going to tell me what happened.

I don't think there's any
way we can spin this one.

Well, Carol and Rita are off buying

us some time with the press.

We'd better go.

[WHISPERS] Just a couple more minutes.

I love fire.

Who wants to start?

Well, don't look at me!
It wasn't my fault.

We went to visit Fabian
Silver to get to know him

as per your suggestion.

I told you to take Sonny with you.

Yeah, well, Sonny was too busy.

He was chasing up that lead
from Ellen's Deep Throat.

- Oh, this gets better and better.
- This isn't my fault.

This is a guy you
blackmailed into resigning,

so Andrew could run in the first place!

Perhaps a little bit
louder, I don't know

that the policeman
quite caught all that.

Nah, it's all good.

And you've gone off to see Silver

without anybody to advise you.

Go on.

Well, I can't speak for Sonny...

He was visiting that guy
that was imprisoned

for losing all those ballot papers.

I can only really tell you what
happened at Fabian Silver's.

Why hello!

- Hello.
- Come in.

- Come, come.
- Thank you. It's just...

Oh, you gorgeous man.

Fabian says soz. He's still
riding back from his yoga.

He likes to bounce his chakras on

the peak at sunrise. Green tea?

Perhaps a naughty Fernet.

How about a scandalous
little Kopi Luwak?

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
Well, I'd love a naughty Fernet.

Set yourselves on. Make yourselves out.

Monsieur Dugdale?

Just a regular tea, thank you.

Uh... I think the only other
else we have is iced.

- Is she anybody?
- Our speechwriter.

Just a water. Ta.

Hm, I'll have a look.

We like to rain cool the Fernet, so

I might be able to drain some off.

In, in. Walk, go. Through.
Go. In, in, sit, sit.

- In here?
- Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

I'm confused.

Mr Pascuale said he was sending

a young girl over to see me.

Oh, she's busy. I'm Mr
Dugdale's Chief of Staff.

Chief of Staff, heh?

That's sounding a bit
above my pay scale.

No-one's paying you
anything, Mr Pomphrey.

All I can do is talk to someone for you.

Words are cheap, Mr...?

Call me Sonny.

Especially when
billionaires are involved.

Five years for electoral fraud,

Mr Pomphrey, maybe seven.

At your age,

I would have thought you'd be

wanting to clear your conscience.

[TAPS GLASS]

I'll tell you what I know,
but you've got to promise me

you'll talk to the right people.

Speak to me.

[SPEAKS GERMAN]

Fabian will be here in . seconds.

Oh, I'm so sorry for the delay.

Sunrise is so much later

and my horse confusingly also called

Sunrise, well, is getting older.

No, no, no. Please, don't
get up. Don't get up.

Wonderful to finally meet you, Andrew.

- You too.
- Mrs Dugdale.

- Catherine, please.
- Of course.

And you've met my
in-house resident artist,

major-domo, general Factotum,

Reese.

You know, he did all of these.

Oh, yes. Wonderful.

If I had half your talent,

you'd still be twice as talented as me.

I paint what I see, I
leave out what I don't.

Well, I see you also love
beautiful things, Andrew.

Yes, yes, I suppose so.

"I suppose"?

I know not suppose.

Why...

She is...

... beauteous, calming, bountiful

and very pleasing to an eye
not so easily pleased.

Oh, that is wonderful. Who said?

Me, just then.

[HYPERVENTILATES]

I hope you don't mind me saying

how wonderful your wife is,

- Andrew, you old cock.
- No, you're quite right.

I guess I'm just used to her.

That's why I never married.

No, I didn't want to be jaded by

things of beauty.

You know, I like to mix it up a bit.

- In, out, shake it all about.
- Yes, yes.

No, no, I appreciate my
wife's beauty, don't I?

I mention it now and then.

Occasionally, in passing, you know?

If it comes up. [LAUGHS]

But I don't tend to think of my

wife is a beautiful thing, you see.

Thing.

I would k*ll for an almond zeppole.

Reese, if you wouldn't mind.

Oh, but you fast on a Thursday...

[SHOUTS] Like I give a f*ck what I do!

Get me a f*cking biscuit!

[HYPERVENTILATES]

Oh, and some for our guests as well.

- Oh, no, no. We're fine, honestly.
- Are you sure?

Yes.

I get all funny when my sugar
levels drop, you know?

- Really?
- And how about for you, girl?

Hm? Would you like
something to go with...?

What is that? Ditch water?

Actually, I wouldn't mind using

your toilet, if that's OK.

Yes, of course, of course.
It's just there.

Well, I wonder if I
might use another one.

- As well?
- Instead of.

It's just I don't think the
water agreed with me and...

It's a perfectly good toilet.

It's a TOTO Washlet S

and it speaks back to you
if you speak Japanese.

- [SPEAKS JAPANESE]
- No, no, it's not that.

It's just that I think it'd
be a little embarrassing.

I'm sorry, I don't follow.

Well, it's so close.

Well, I would have
thought with the urgency

that the propinquity of it

would have been an advantage.

But, as I say, I'm a little
uncomfortable about...

Look at the charming face she's pulling.

Come on, we're all friends here. I hope.

Come on, Ellen, aren't we?
What's the problem?

Yes, is it some sort of phobia, Ellen?

No!, I've got a bout of volcanic

diarrhoea coming, alright?

Not only will you all hear
me filling the toilet,

but I imagine the stench will be...

Oh, yes, alright, there's
no need to spell it out.

Just go through there, up the stairs

- and down the hall and to the right.
- Ta.

You're sh1tting me!

I wish.

But how did you know the money

came from Fabian Silver?

Who else would have wanted

the ballot paper stolen?

Yeah, but the , found in your house

were for our side anyway, weren't they?

What about the , that
weren't accounted for?

What about them?
Didn't you get that key?

No-one knew who was going to
win the election, as it was,

it took a month to work it out.

A by-election was the safest

way Silver had of ensuring

there was someone in the
seat who wasn't sitting

on the wrong side of the chamber.

Hang on, hang on. What key?

So, as you can see, it's
all well above board.

It's just not sound business

to give every little detail

on the eve of before an election.

You know how the media dissemble

- things and the people lap it up.
- I know, I understand.

We're bankrolling a park.

And we need something to offset it.

I don't want to charge people

a fee to walk through nature.

So we sell a few bottles
of spring water.

You know who had the lease
on the aquifer before uh?

- Coca-Cola.
- Disgraceful.

Yeah!

They're for the visitors.

Vale tudo was popularised by

circuses in Brazil in the s.

There's next to no rules.

I like circuses.

My favourite part is when that

lady stands on the horse.

- [MOBILE RINGS]
- Get that for me, will you?

I've got my hands full here.

Who's "Total Fox"?

That's from before I was married.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hello, Ellen, what's the ?

Myles, what do you know about

the CMI H D home safe?

[LAUGHS]

Ellen, Ellen, what don't I know.

No, what do you know?

CMI H D...

Yeah, yeah, Le Guard
digi-electronic lock,

millimetres steel door,

grey interior, a little felt carpet.

Why is that? Do you want to buy one?

- No, I want to break into one.
- 'Cause my uncle has...

- What?
- I want to break into it.

- Do you know how to cr*ck a safe?
- Ellen,

I have waited my entire
life to be asked that.

I'll meet you at upstairs
window, rear of the house,

- top left, western corner.
- Roger that.

Curtis.

Do you know how to cr*ck open a safe?

Yeah.

Right, grab the stepstool and follow me.

How big is it?

I don't tend to think
about it in those terms.

I mean... Reese, what
would you say it was?

Oh, , square kilometres.

f*ck me!

I seldom get out there these days.

I much prefer the scale of this place.

There's something quite
beautiful about riding

through it at harvest time,

you know, to see what
nature brings forth.

- It's quite humbling.
- Yes. Oh, yes.

You know what I'm talking about.
You have a farm, don't you?

Well, yes, but we have a sewage farm,

so it's not quite so
humbling come harvest time.

Yes, yes, but I know
what you mean, Fabian.

We have a number of native birds

that like to settle on
the treatment ponds.

You know, the herons and the

grebes and what have you.

Herons and grebes.

I would have thought you

would've been more dotterels...

... red-necked stints.

Oh, yes, them too.

Up here and to your left.

Get a proper ladder.

- What?
- Sh!

Can't hear that either.

We're going to need a proper ladder.

[SHOUTS] We've got to go
and get a proper ladder.

We're very artistic on

my side of the family.

Fabian, I sing and my daughter does too.

Some more biscotti,
please, Reese, prego.

I'll see if we have any left.

As a matter fact, my daughter is

singing tonight at the Whaler's Inn.

Mm! It's just a silly little sort

of dinner and a show thing,

but you'd be more than
welcome to come along.

Only as your guest

and of course, with your
husband's permission.

Yes, of course, you can have
my ticket if you'd like.

You know, Ellen and I have to work

on the speech for that thing.

Oh, the big town hall debate.

Yes, I'm looking forward
to that, Andrew.

Actually, where is Ellen? Perhaps

one of us better check on her.

Make sure she hasn't fallen in. [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS] Oh, into... Reese! Reese!

Now, try pushing the hash key again.

[SAFE BEEPS AND OPENS]

You see? If at first you don't succeed,

try and put away.

Oh, treasure!

I'll go check if the coast is clear.

- I opened that.
- Definitely treasure.

I did that. I...

George Christiensen in a onesie.

[LAUGHTER]

Andrew, your wife's
an absolute treasure.

Yes, yes, she is.

Reese, you're driving
me to this do tonight.

We'll take the Panamera Hybrid, yeah?

[SLAMS PLATE ON TABLE]

[SHOUTS] BBQ Shapes!

I wouldn't feed them to a grebe.

Well, he's right, I wouldn't

have fed them to a grebe either.

I think you're missing the point.

I didn't miss the point.

I landed on a sprinkler head.

But that surely can't be the only

reason all of you got arrested.

No, but Mr D took us home

and give us a talking to.

ELLEN: Can I say the next bit about

what we stole from the safe?

Would you like musical
accompaniment, Ellen?

No, I'm good.

Anyway, we got back to the office,

brought Sonny up to speed

and then got a good dressing down.

But tell him about the key.

Myles, will you forget
about that key and

pay attention while
undressing you down?!

I am ashamed of you all.

Particularly, you, Ellen.

- I expect it from these two, but you!
- I just thought you'd...

"I just thought."
You didn't think, did you?

That was the problem.

If you'd stayed downstairs

instead of feigning an onset
of volcanic diarrhoea,

you would have learned that
Fabian Silver is simply

an eccentric billionaire,

seeking redemption with the
only tools available to him.

- And you're one of those tools.
- Exactly.

And if handled with
care, no-one gets hurt.

Everyone's stands to win
with this arrangement.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Including you, Andrew.

This is a list of compulsory
land acquisitions

Fabian Silver's has got
planned for next year.

All the low-lying wetlands
to the South-east,

including Chigwell sewage farm.

What does he want a sewage farm?

Well, he likes herons and grebes.

What, enough to pay million?

Yeah, yeah, that does seem
a bit much, doesn't it?

You win the election, sail
up and move to Canberra

with enough in your pocket to keep

you quiet if things go pear-shaped.

Yeah, but it can't be a bribe
if I don't know about it.

- Well, you do now.
- No.

- Yes.
- Yeah, but I wasn't supposed to.

But it would've looked like you did.

And now that you do, we've got to

make it look like you never did.

And do something about it.

Look, I'll tell you what we need to do.

We need to get these
documents back to Silver's

before he notices they're missing.

Where's Henry?

- Oh, he's at some Comic-Con.
- A what?

Well, the Fishman from Hellboy's there.

- Henry's a big fan.
- Fishman?

Abe Sapien.

Silver'll be with Catherine
tonight at Carol's recital.

We could be in and out in
minutes with no-one the wiser.

You should have nothing
to do with this, Andrew.

- Let me handle it.
- No.

Do you think that Watergate
would have turned out so bad

if Nixon had there calling the sh*ts?

- I am running this.
- But...!

No, you ring Henry,
bring him up to speed.

- Myles.
- Way ahead of you, Mr D.

Ellen, you're our point
guard, you'll be on lookout.

Curtis, you and Mr D
will jump the back gate

and rendezvous here
at the rear entrance.

- OK, Curtis, clockwise...
- OK, here we go.

While I take care of the power grid.

And we will all hook up at the base camp

and head for the summit, comprende?

Barely.

What happens now?

The key to the front
door was on the lintel.

So, was it balancing on a lentil
or was it like a pile of them?

What's he talking about?
He's thinking of a lentil.

- It's not lentil, it's lintel.
- What?

Sh!

- What, up the stairs?
- Yeah, sure.

Just say so.

Sh!

[SINGS OFF-KEY] ♪ I say your
name but you're not around... ♪

[CROWD BOOS]

♪ I hear your name but
you're not around ♪

♪ I need you, I need you,
I need you right now ♪

♪ Yeah, I need you right now ♪

♪ So don't let me, don't let me
don't let me, don't let me down ♪

♪ I'm just losing my mind now ♪

♪ It's in my head ♪

♪ Darling, I hope that you'll be
here when I need you the most ♪

♪ So, don't let me, don't
let me don't let me down. ♪

What are you eating, Curtis?

Biscotti. I found it under the couch.

Shut up.

[SAFE BEEPS]

Curtis, no. That's the radio.

[SAFE OPENS]

- That's amazing, Myles.
- Oh, thanks, Ellen.

- It's actually quite easy. Look.
- [CLOSES SAFE]

The digital combination can be accessed

by pushing down the individual
keys while holding hash.

You're effectively
redialling whatever it was

the last person that used it punched in.

[SAFE LOCKS]

Now, just a matter of
remembering the hash key.

Would you hurry up?

[LOUD THUDS]

- So, did you get to meet Abe Sapien?
- Who?

We were just getting to the best bit.

The Fishman from Hellboy.

You know, at the Comic-Con you went to.

I didn't go to any Comic-Con, Myles.

That was a ruse.

While you were robbing
our principal benefactor,

I was in here talking to my snout

about what was really going on.

I heard Pomphrey tell
your bloke about a farm

being compulsorily acquired.

- Chigwell farm, was it?
- That's it, yeah.

- Mr Pomphrey might be...
- [MOBILE RINGS]

... perhaps encouraged to be a
little bit more discreet.

- Yeah, talk to me.
- That's about it.

We've got a real problem this time.

Stuff even we didn't know about.

Chigwell farm being
compulsorily acquired.

BOTH: That's right.

- But do you know how much for?
- How much for?

- He didn't say.
- million.

Well, I'll swing by Canberra
and talk to the PM.

Is there anything you
want me to tell him?

- No thanks.
- Not really.

In the meantime, you keep
Andrew out of trouble, alright?

You're worryingly quiet.

- What's going on?
- I thought you were talking to the...

Andrew's returning the documents
Ellen stole from Fabian's safe

while Fabian on his out with Catherine.

What?

I thought you were talking
to another bloke!

We didn't want to make the
same mistake Nixon did.

Will you shut up?!

You've put us all in a terribly

difficult position here, Sonny.

Sorry, Henry, you keep dropping out.

This is all very confusing.

Can we get back to our story?

Go ahead, Curtis.

Well, we got all of them
documents back in the safe

and we assumed that Reece

bloke was away with Mr Silver

when Mr Dugdale said...

Great, let's get out of here.

Hang on, hang on, I actually
need to use the toilet.

Yeah, yeah, sure. We've
got plenty of time.

Well, that's good, 'cause I
haven't finished my book.

Curtis. I'm only halfway through.

It's a picture book.

I didn't schlep all the way
out here for bucks!

We agreed on the phone.

Yeah, lady, I said I'd give you one .

And that's what I've
got for you. One .

Take it up with my road manager. Rita.

Listen, bub, I worked the spotlight

for Tito Jackson's Las
Vegas show back in ,

so I have seen a lot of bullshit.

And let me tell you $ for

the musical Odyssey this lady

just took you on is not unreasonable.

- Damn straight.
- Nobody liked her.

Do you think anyone liked
Tito Jackson that night?

Barbra Streisand was there
and she threw a chair at him.

But he got paid every single penny

because a contract is a contract.

Alright!

If it'll shut you up.

I'm deducting your bar tab.

Fine.

I just had a jug of Fanta.
What about you?

Six or seven mojitos.

Plus what your sister drank

before she passed out on a
billiard table with that guy.

My sister?

She said she was your sister.

Billiard table?

Clothes are on the fan, if
you want to get them down.

Ugh.

Right.

You owe me bucks.

Is that Robert Mapplethorpe?

I can't tell from this angle.

Hold it right there, all of you!

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Oh, man, I wouldn't go
in there for a while.

[VASE SHATTERS]

[SQUAWKING]

- Was it a grebe?
- It was.

You couldn't be more
up to your neck in it

if you'd tripped over
at your sewage farm.

Yeah, sorry for interrupting.
You guys are on.

Right, I shall now
practise the dark arts

for which I am well known and revered.

- MAN: Andrew Norville Dugdale...
- Sorted.

... Eleanor Louise LeBlanc, Myles David

Cristollo and Curtis C Curtis.

- Leave this to me.
- No, no, Curtis, there's no need.

Madam Secretary, may I
address the delegates?

What?

For years now, I have lived
among you as a visitor.

I have seen beauty in
your many cultures,

I've also seen the folly of your wars.

As of today, I am no longer a visitor.

The Earth is my home too.

I will rid our planet

of all nuclear weapons!

If it may please the court,

the complainant has
refused to press charges,

so we're dropping the case.

Was that from Superman IV?

I've been waiting my whole life for

the right moment to do that speech.

Next on the court's this is indecent

exposure, offensive language,

urinating in public and

assaulting a police officer.

Also dropped.

Oh. Thank you, Henry. I owe you one.

That's why I'm here.

Did we miss anything?

Not by much.

Court adjourned.

- Andrew Norville Dugdale.
- Shut up.

Norville.

Oh!

I was under the impression I'd

be talking to the PM about this.

You are speaking to the PM, Henry.

The punters don't like it
when we sit in the back,

they think we're up ourselves.

So what are we going to do?

What can we do? Cut him loose.

Bloody hell!

What's happened?

I told him not to change
the aerial on the bus

during a thunderstone,
but he didn't listen.

[SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY]

- Ugh.
- I'll get some aloe Vera.

The , ballot papers.

What do we do?

You know how to walk, Curtis.
You know how to walk.

Come on. Curtis! Sit.

Curtis. No, no! Curtis, no, Curtis.

Rita, Rita, can you
give me a hand, please?