02x05 - Faith

[bunniefuu]

(ANGELIC CHOIR SINGS)

True, it gives this country
a massive Kyoto carbon offset,

which is good for growing business.

And, yes, it doesn't cost
you, the taxpayer, a cent,

but more importantly, this
forest produces oxygen.

And you can never have too much oxygen.

- Hang on.
- Tell me.

I don't think that's accurate.

Yes, too much and you get too
high, according to The Sweet.

Yes, well, to be fair, Sweet
were singing about love.

Just pick one issue,
you've only got seconds.

Yeah! It's on Facebook, Dad.

You want likes, not people
clicking on the pop-ups.

Oh, alright. What do
we think they'll go for.

Jobs and growth,
hip-pocket or breathing?

- ALL: Hip-pocket.
- Really?

- Well...
- And certainly not jobs and growth.

That tested through the floor.

Yeah, well, to be fair, it
hasn't been used a lot lately.

No, it's etched into their psyches.

Don't say it, Dad, they'll hate you.

Where's Curtis with the sandwiches?

Three-minute rule!

Sorry, Curtis, I misjudged
the top of the door.

No, no, my fault.

I should have insisted
on a larger loan vehicle.

They do look nice, though.

What's on this one?

Is that the pepitas?

I think it's just a bit of gravel.

What about nature is free,
that way you cover two bases.

I definitely think we could
be someone who stands for that.

- "Nature is free." I like that.
- Who's next?

That'd be me, Barry.

- Mr Dugdale.
- Yes.

What is your position on migrants
coming here and taking our jobs?

Are there any jobs to take?

I'm not sure it'll
help to point that out.

Can I just say that
any influx of refugees

in this community is not
going to have an adverse effect

on employment opportunities?

That wouldn't be lying.

Don't say 'adverse', it
makes you sound snooty.

And I'd leave out 'influx',
'community' and 'opportunities'.

Well, he's got to say something.

You've just left him with 'of',
'into', 'this', 'will' and 'not'.

Not's is too negative. I'd lose it.

Look, this is a local election
focused on the voters' hip-pocket.

- Now don't overthink it.
- OK.

You're a smart guy in a small town

who fights for the
rights of the downtrodden.

Alright, well, what's
the tone? Give me a movie.

- The Godfather.
- Vanilla Sky.

- Rashomon.
- Rambo.

Wog Boy : Kings of Mykonos.

- Rita, what happened to your...?
- Don't ask.

You should say what you believe
whether anyone asks you or not.

No.

Why shouldn't he say what he believes?

He doesn't know what he believes.

Well, I know what I believe privately.

I'm talking about what
I believe publicly.

- There shouldn't be any difference.
- Well...

Corinthians, Ellen. I've got
to be all things to all men.

Don't quote the Bible. Remember
what happened last week.

Yeah, well, I remember we
kept the damn McKendrick Report

off the front page.

(ALL CHANT DIFFERENT THINGS)

Keep the change.

- Right, where is he?
- Still in the classroom.

Afraid this lot are going to lynch him

if he tries to make a run for it.

They really don't look
like the lynching type.

Don't believe it, Mr D?

On the way here, Ellen and me
saw a bunch of kids with sticks

laying into someone they'd
strung up earlier, didn't we?

Well...

Beaten him so badly,
he barely looked human.

In fairness, it was a pinata.

Shouldn't I be avoiding
this sort of thing?

Henry says it'll keep the
McKendrick Report off the front page.

Where's Sonny?

I told Andrew I'd meet him at
the deaf school five minutes ago.

Well, Rita says we've
got to move all these.

Yeah, but can't one of
the others? I mean...

Now, look, I have long since worked out

that it's not worth arguing with Rita.

I have to call a cab!

Well, Catherine'll be here in
a minute and you can take hers.

What's in these, anyway?

Small-bore amm*nit*on.

Oh, well, do we need
any of that round here

since Malcolm Roberts moved to Canberra?

She'd better get here soon with
that cab. You know how he gets.

It's only another dozen or
so of these and we're done.

Crazy Joe wants to know

if he can keep one of
the Grant Denyer cut-outs.

Apparently, the cardboard
he's been sleeping on

has gone mouldy with his own filth.

- Go for your life.
- Hang on, hang on.

Is that the impression we
want to give our constituents

when they visit?

Some homeless man sleeping in our
doorway on top of Grant Denyer?

Yeah, good point.

Ask him if he'll duck down
the road to the hairdresser's.

Will you go down the
road to the hairdresser's?

(MUMBLES)

It's not far, you can't miss it.

- Six, eight.
- I think maybe eight of those.

Oh! They're much bigger.

They're slightly bigger,
we might need a hand.

Is my office ready?

- I've got to hit the phones.
- Almost, Mum.

Have you read what this
bastard McKendrick is saying?

Ix-nay on the anguage-lay, Um-may.

Ha! Thank you and goodbye!

Wait, wait, wait!

Oh... f*ck!

Well, have you?

Just the bit where he
reckons Dad's a w*r criminal.

That's exactly why we need
to focus on distraction today.

Have we got any Blu Tack?

- Here, use this.
- Oh, thank you.

Arol-cay, my office-nay.

(DOOR OPENS) f*ck!

Is someone looking after you?

Shh, shh.

Yes, I'd like a taxi, please.

Now. The deaf school.

(SHOUTS) The deaf school!

Henry's right.

If there's a camera around this week,
we really should be in front of it.

Well, Dad's got the protest covered.

The only other thing happening
are those Siamese twin cows

that got born in Cambooya.

Carol, if the journos get
to page of this thing,

they're going to be saying that
your father is worse than Tony Blair!

Me being photographed with yet
another mutant born in Cambooya

is not going to be knocking
that off the front page.

They're joined at the horn.

No.

I need something that is going
to give me column inches I need.

(WHISPERS) Column inches.

Why the second desk?

Dad said I could move in here with you.

Where is your father?

Where... is... father?

He'll be here in a minute, Mr Vole.

I tell you, those dinosaur
bones were put there to test us.

Mr Dugdale, thank God you're here.

See? You do believe he exists.

Mr Vole, what are you doing here?

I'm secretary of the Parents and
Friends Association, Mr Dugdale.

When my duties at the bank permit,

I assist with the
volunteer teacher program.

A role, which I love, but which
I suspect will be soon wrested

away from me, given I was the one
who foolishly listened to my wife

and accepted your wife's recommendation

that your so-called driver
tutor the children in geography.

Curtis, you don't know
anything about geography!

You can barely back out of
the driveway with the Sat Nav.

Presumably, that's why he choose
instead to teach the children

Climate Change Scepticism
and Creationism,

two subjects which are most
definitely not on the curriculum.

I see.

Parents value the separation
of church and state round here,

Mr Dugdale, and this is
a state-funded school.

Funding that we now stand to lose
unless we diffuse the situation.

I've got nothing against palaeontology,

I'm just saying the
science isn't in yet.

- Have I missed anything?
- (MOBILE BEEPS)

- Where's Catherine?
- (MOBILE BEEPS)

- What the hell?
- Mr Dugdale.

Hang on, hang on just a minute.

Rita... Rita, what's this?

- It's a o'clock.
- Who's Bertha Quickly?

- Actually it's Quigley.
- Quigley.

Oh, I'm so sorry, my
husband's handwriting is

as terrible as his eyesight.

Well, thanks for seeing me instead.

Well, as First Lady,
it is my duty to step in

whenever my husband is indisposed.

Isn't that right, Carol?

Mum! I'm trying to put out a fire here.

Carol looks after our PR.

Oh... That's nice.

Well, no duty is beyond the
First Family, Mrs Quickly,

no matter how menial.

It's Quigley.

Now, could I get you a little something?

Oh, no.

Coffee or some tea?

Well, I'd love a iced coffee milkshake

if it's not too much trouble.

Of course.

Carol, would you... be a darling?

Yeah, right! Like I don't
have enough going on right now!

And one for me, too, please and quickly.

Quigley.

My blood sugar is dangerously low.

- Right, fine, I need money.
- Oh, for...

No, the numbers are good.

No, the McKendrick Report
is really just a blip.

Nobody cares about who
lied about what in Iraq.

It's all a long time ago. Old news.

Just put that anywhere, Crazy Joe.

Nobody up here reads the
national press anyway.

No. And nobody anywhere
if it's the Australian.

We just need a good, you know,
feel good local story to knock it

out of the first three pages of
the Murray Darling Downs Gazette.

After that, there's no room, it's
mostly Bunnings ads and sport.

Henry!

If you're not doing anything, could
you please pop down to the shops

to get three iced coffee milkshakes?

And a boysenberry yoghurt. And a muffin.

Just excuse me.

I'm speaking to the Prime Minister.

It's an emergency!

I'm sorry, I will have to ring you back.

I've got my hands full here.

No, it's the daughter on this occasion,

but you don't want to get on
the wrong side of her, either.

(SHOUTS) I'll need some money.

Mum'll fix you up out of petty cash.

Yeah, right.

No, sorry, I was talking to her.

Are you a religious woman, Mrs Dugdale?

I very nearly became a nun.

Oh.

I'm just a junior quality control
officer at Stacklerod Biscuits.

Millions of shortbread
scoot by me every day,

not to mention Anzacs,
Vovos, wafers, ginger nuts,

custard creams, macaroons,
digestives, Jammie Dodgers,

ladyfingers, stroopwafels, Tic
Tocs, Monte Carlos, orange yo-yos,

butternut snappies,
fudgies, animal crackers

and moulted fig arrowroot snappies.

Go on.

Well, the machine never
acts up, Mrs Dugdale.

Mr Stacklerod sees to that.

But last week, it extruded this.

f*ck me!

Precisely what I thought.

The exact shape of the Virgin Mary.

What was it supposed to be?

- A Florentine.
- Really?

Anyway, we rang the church to see
if it was a miracle or something

and they got onto the Vatican

and they said it had
to be authenticated,

so they sent over Cardinal
Bell to have a look at it.

Cardinal Bell or Cardinal Pell?

Cardinal Bell, Cardinal George Bell.

- Completely different other person.
- I see.

Anyway, he flies over
here, business class,

has a look at the
biscuit and reckons, no.

So, you'd like me to intercede?

A miracle would really put this
town on the map, Mrs Dugdale.

It'd put that bloody forest
in the shade, that's for sure.

And imagine the pilgrimages.

People lining up to gaze
at the blessed likeness.

And hopefully, buy edible
replicas on the way out.

Is the cardinal still here?

They're having an open day
for parishioners at the priory.

He flies back tomorrow.

Then we haven't a moment
to lose, Mrs Quickly.

Quigley.

As soon as my daughter gets
back with our milkshakes,

we're going to go and pay this
Cardinal George Bell a little visit.

See if we can't convince
him to see reason.

I can't think what's keeping her.

(ELECTRONICA PLAYS)

♪ Domenica-nica-nica over
the land, he plots along ♪

♪ He sings a little song ♪

♪ Never asking for reward ♪

♪ He just talks about the Lord ♪

♪ He just talks about the Lord ♪

♪ Dominica-nica-nica over
the land, he plots along ♪

♪ He sings a little song ♪

♪ Never asking for reward ♪

♪ He just talks about the Lord ♪

♪ He just talks about the Lord ♪

♪ Dominica-nica-nica... ♪

Mr Vole, as a man of science, you
are no doubt aware of the B theory of

time in which space-time is
described as a four dimensional block.

I'm only a big manager, Mr Dugdale.

Now, if as the B-theory postulates,

there is no objective flow of time

and past and future events are
all occurring simultaneously,

then it stands to reason...

This is your fault.

You're always on him to be himself.

He's not being himself.

He's being Spencer Tracy
in Inherit The Wind.

No-one's heard of that movie.

You should have gone with
something more accessible.

- Like Rambo.
- Shut up.

. billion years old.

Perhaps the earth was
created in seven days

as the Good Book contends

and the sun that revolves
around it on the fourth.

Testify! You're not helping.

- What?
- You're not helping. Just sit down.

Thank you, Sister, I...

Oh. Yes.

Cardinal Bell?

Oh, Mrs Dugdale.

Oh, I'm afraid you've
missed all the fun.

I am sorry about the
state of the ground,

too much raspberry cordial, I'm afraid.

One little tyke even
derailed the Holy Ghost train.

(TRAIN WHISTLES)

Oh, but where are my manners?

Come inside and I'll change into
something a little less frightening.

- Here we go.
- (HIS SHOES SQUEAK AS HE WALKS)

- MAN: What do we want it?
- (ALL SHOUT DIFFERENT ANSWERS)

- When do we want?
- (ALL SHOUT DIFFERENT ANSWERS)

Parents and friends.

Parents and friends, please.

As chairman of the committee,

I'm pleased to report that
we have reached a compromise.

Boo!

Mr Curtis will be forthwith
dismissed as a volunteer teacher

at this institution, but
effective immediately,

we will be reinstating him as
school bus driver for field trips.

The first one is to Drayton's
so-called Natural History Museum,

followed by a theatre in the park
performance of Godspell unplugged.

Now's your chance.

Just think Henry Fonda
in The Ox-Bow Incident.

I don't think anybody's seen
that, but I'll give it a try.

People, please.

I implore you, where is your humanity?

The last time I looked, we
lived in a pluralistic society

where a multitude of world
views could happily coexist.

MAN: Speak Australian, dickhead.

A society in which radical agnostics

and moderate atheists could
put aside their differences

and rally together to
find something in common -

an intolerance of those who
not only assure God exists,

but will not allow for the
possibility that he doesn't

is something to be celebrated!

I think we got away with that one.

The sentence was so poorly constructed

I don't think they followed it.

Hm.

(CHURCH BELL RINGS)

Regrettably we live in secular times

and now the Church has to compete

with computer-generated phantasms
and the sick taste of the dark web.

A sweetie?

No, I'm good.

You know, if you'd have told me
when I first entered the seminary,

oh, years ago,

that I was going to have to
dress up like some psychotic clown

in order to get the attention
of the children in my parish,

I'd have laughed insanely in your face.

That's precisely why
we're here, Cardinal.

What better way to restore the
majesty and wonder of the church

than with a divine miracle?

Oh... Miracles.

Much harder to prove
these days, Mrs Dugdale.

In the old days, it was much easier.

People were not educated.

They'd believe anything.

But now, of course, everything
is on that Wikipedia.

Oh, come on. You fudged the
stats for Mary MacKillop.

Oh, now...

Getting that woman canonised
under the German was hard enough,

but the new one would
be onto me like a sh*t

if I walked in with
a mutated Wagon Wheel.

Please, your Eminence, I beg of you.

Oh, Bertha.

Why didn't you come to me first?

We did come to you first.

What have I ever done to make
you treat me so disrespectfully?

If you had come to me in friendship,

then this scum that
ruined your uncle's life,

he'd be suffering this very day.

I'm not following.

Some day, and that they may never come,

I'll be asking you to
do a service for me.

Eh, but until that day,

I suppose I'd better have
another look at this biscuit.

- Yes, sure. It's just over he...
- (MUNCHING)

What?

Oh, now, don't worry.

We'll keep an eye on her
and if it cures her asthma,

then I'll fill in the report.

(MUNCHES)

Charlie, you work every
day at my sewage firm

alongside young Bill here, don't you?

I do, but my name is Larry.

And mine's Bob and I actually
work at the Nandos on Snail Street.

And Betty Sue, didn't I see you
making eyes at young Felipe here

at that tractor pull last week

where I was there to judge the
most fabulous spoon competition?

I told you to leave my wife
alone, Felipe, you wog bastard.

(SHOUTING)

My point is that we can all live
together in peace and harmony.

That we're all the same if
you ignore our differences.

Human shield, human shield. Get
behind me, get behind me. Go.

- Andrew, we need to go. Let's go.
- (SHOUTING)

(TASER SOUNDS)

Well, thanks, everyone.

Although, if it wasn't for you,

the biscuit would have
never been destroyed,

along with the town's best
chances of a prosperous future

based on fanatical religious tourism,

but at least I know you did your best.

I'd better go tell everyone
what happened, I suppose.

Bye! See you.

Oh, I'm sure they'll understand.

After all, this is a holy
thing that we've tried to do

and if there's one thing I know
about the people in this community,

it's that regardless of which
lapped branch of Christianity

they hail from,

religion isn't as important
as being Australian

and giving everyone a fair go.

(ANGRY CHATTER)

Myles! Myles!

Sit down. I'm thinking,
I'm thinking! OK?

- Myles!
- Rita!

Myles! Rita.

Let me in.

Honey, if things start
getting rough out there,

just deploy this pepper spray.

Just open the door and let me in.

Yeah, I'm just saying,
if you get stuck out there

for whatever reason, we
don't get time to help you,

then just flick the safety
on top and push down, like so.

Obviously, I won't do it
now because it won't...

(SCREAMS) (SCREAMS)

Curtis, start the bus!

Who's got the key?

Have you got the key, Sonny?

- It's alright. Which one is it?
- Myles, wake up you...

Wake up.

HENRY: On the plus side, this
should keep the McKendrick Report

off the front page.

The milkshake!

Oh, f*ck! I think I broke my arm.

(ANGRY SHOUTING)

Well, it's a good point. We
should avoid religion entirely.

- Especially Islam.
- You know how they get.

You know, in , when Time
magazine asked is God d*ed,

my old dad said to me, he said,

"If God is dead, then we
should mourn his passing

"for never shall he walk among us,

"never should he lead the way
and never shall we see his light

"but for those who think
they carry on his work."

- Oh, that's beautiful, Henry.
- We won't be able to improve on that.

Look, it's nice, but I
think we should leave it out.

- Oh, but, Dad, it's really good.
- No, no.

No matter how well-intentioned it is,

no matter how well expressed it is,

any statement about God is going to
be misinterpreted by some nut job.

No offence, Curtis.

None taken, sir.

(CRUNCHING)

Goodness, those pepitas are tough.

Alright, whoever wins the
debate next week is going to be

the new MP for Murray Darling Downs.

Anyone here want to be working
for the guy who comes second?

- ALL: No, sir.
- Alright, well, crank it up, Barry.

- Mr Dugdale.
- Yes.

After personally escalating
a peaceful protest into a riot

at which your office manager
tasered school parents

objecting to their children being taught

by your unqualified and
brain-damaged bus driver,

why should the people
of Murray Darling Downs

put their trust in you?

Barry, you've got to
have a little faith.

Hey, everyone!

Look what I found
outside the hairdresser's.

(ANGELIC CHOIR SINGS)

(EXHALES LOUDLY)

You see? No wheezing.

Hello.

Holy Father, hello.

He hung up.

So, the really interesting thing
that came out of the focus group was

that when you were prime minister
in the lead up to the last election,

everybody hated you.

Yes.

Yeah, and when you lost the election,

they all felt sorry for you.

You were much more popular.

Well, what am I supposed
to take away from that?

What, in order to win the by election,

I've got to lose the by election?

Or look like you're losing.

All I need is a phone and
a fake Twitter account.

Oh, this is really good, Dad. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's perfect.

You look like a total loser. Yes.

No, he's not going to take it. See?

Now, try and look more pathetic.

Yeah, like that. Perfect. Good.

Ugh, such a creep.