02x04 - Single White Staci

[bunniefuu]

A Pop original series.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Todd, you've been making some
interesting food choices lately.

Are you eating your feelings?

Can I have one of your feelings?

I like the powdered ones.

No, they're not feelings.
They're doughnuts.

- Oh.
- I have to eat all of them.

I have to gain as much weight
as quickly as possible...

for Jimmy.

Does he want your skin?

Probably. They're making shoes
out of human skin in Russia.

No, he needs to use my excess fat.

He's trying to plump up his hands.

Well, they are unnaturally
petite for a man his size.

Yeah, he's, like, got little doll hands.

Hello. Hello. Good morning.

Hi.

Um, what?

What? I have lipstick on my teeth?

Oh! Oh, you star-f*ckers.
Yes, this is Julianne Moore.

Hi, everybody.

[All:] Hi, Julianne Moore.

Ms. Moore is writing, directing,

and starring in a movie,

and she's following our fearless
leader for research.

- Jimmy?
- No. Staci.

Why? Is it about loneliness?

It's about a talent booker who ends up

marrying a very rich,
successful director.

Or commits su1c1de.

- [All:] Oh.
- I don't think so.

I don't... It's not su1c1de.
No, I don't think we're...

I don't think she commits su1c1de.

Okay, well, we'll see.
I'm just gonna watch.

I just have been on so many
of these late-night talk shows,

and I feel like the real story
happens back here

with women like Staci.

Successful, stylish,

independent women
living in a man's world.

Well, I'm just gonna be here.
I'm just gonna be observing.

So please pay no attention to me

and go on with, um, your...
What do you call this?

- Morning meeting.
- Aw.

Morning meeting... that is so adorable

and so basic.

I'm gonna write that down.

All right, well, we have
a great show tonight.

We have "Shark t*nk's" Barbara Corcoran.

Um, I just wanted to say

that you were incredible
in "Far from Heaven."

Oh, my God, and your hair

in "The Hunger Games:
Mockingjay - Part "...

- incredible.
- Thank you.

I liked "Boogie Nights."

They showed it at my church,

so they had to cut out
all of the dirty parts.

It was really short.

Sure.

Um... hi.

Can we just be professional here?

Thank you.

[breathes deeply] What are you writing?

"Control issues."

Just go on. I'm not here.

- All right...
- Ignore me.

We also have comedian Kerry Coddett.

So that'll be fun 'cause
I love to laugh.

I love to laugh! [laughing]

[sighs]

And we also have root beer pong.

Jimmy's gonna be playing
it at the end of the show.

- Nice.
- So, you know, Julianne...

If you want to know what
Staci's actually like,

just see me after the meeting.

- Okay.
- Okay.

That will not be necessary.

You will not speak to Julianne.

- [muttering to herself]
- Oh, what are you...

"Authoritative, possible r*cist."

Oh, no, no, no, I am not r*cist.

No, no, no, Malik is a nasty woman.

Um, Davis and I are best friends.

We are?

We are homeys.

- Ugh.
- Yes, yes.

Okay, well, it's gonna be a great show.

So, as I say every morning,
go out, Godspeed,

and remember, I am always
here if you need me.

Thank you.

I would, um... I would
cross out "r*cist"

and put in "supportive
of her employees."

- Are you gonna write it?
- I don't think so.

- I would write it.
- I'm not going to.

- Oh, I think you should.
- No, I'm not going to.

Okay, let's go have some coffee.

From Studio B

in the heart of New York City,

it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."

Tonight...

fresh out of the shark t*nk,

Barbara Corcoran.

She's got big hair and big jokes...

comedienne Kerry Coddett.

The drinking game
even alcoholics can enjoy...

root beer pong.

And now, number five in the ratings

but number one in our hearts,

Here's Jimmy.

I see you're really busy,
but we need to talk.

Oh. You want some grapes?

Are your hands clean?

I want to discuss the show's security.

- With me?
- It's your department.

What would you like to discuss?

It's abysmal.

In the past two months in this building,

property theft is up %.

My God, this is terrifying.

It is. Last week someone
stabbed the shish kebab vendor

right outside this building.

I don't want to blame the victim,

but his meat tastes a lot like rat.

I'm gonna need you to
take some initiative.

Figure out some ways to bolster security

and get back to me with some ideas.

Okay.

Well, now who's stealing?

Hey, Double Dragons,

I need the most fattening food you have.

Let me guess...

Jimmy wants to inject your
fat into his tiny hands.

Damn, Miss Cleo.

Why didn't he want my fat?
I have milky skin, no moles.

Actually, I did notice
something on your back

- in the tub the other day.
- What?

Hey, "Shining" twins, I
need the fattening food.

Well, if you want the good stuff,

it's in the stars dressing rooms.

They like to look at it and
reminisce about carbs.

Oh.

Hey, how you doing? I'm Todd.
I'm Jimmy's best friend.

I'm gonna grab some of your food here.

H-ho, jackpot.

Whoo! [grunts]

You're a rude one. What,
do you live in a barn?

No, I was raised in a... standard house.

You better slow down.

Slow down right now, or
you're gonna choke to death.

You're gonna make yourself sick.

Mm-mm. I have to gain weight

'cause I'm giving my fat to Jimmy.

He's got small hands.

Well, I do know someone else

with small hands... Mr. Wonderful.

You call Donald Tr*mp "Mr. Wonderful"?

No, you moron. Mr. Wonderful
from "Shark t*nk."

By the way, I find him very sexy.

Well, of course you would find him sexy.

- You're just the type.
- Oh.

What are you getting in return?
You're giving him your fat.

What are you getting in
return from this guy?

What do you mean? Nothing.

That's not good negotiating.
What, are you a moron?

He's a moron, I guess, right? - Yeah.

Mm-mm. Jimmy said that next time we go

up to his Hamptons beach house,

I can finally use the Jet Ski.

Use the Jet Ski? Is that what you said?

He should be giving you the Jet Ski.

You've got something he wants.

That's a sellers' market.
Name your price.

What's wrong with you?

Wait a second. You're right.

Of course I'm right.
I'm Barbara Corcoran.

That's one of the many reasons
I'm everyone's favorite shark.

Ah... people like Jaws.

Time to get out of here,
and leave that food behind.

Wait a minute. Leave
that cake right here.

Leave that cake right here.

♪ ♪

[telephone ringing in the distance]

Oh, hey, Penny.

Oh, you didn't get me a teddy bear.

What, am I five years old?

Oh, no, it's from Julianne.

- [whispering] Is she gone?
- Kind of.

She felt that her presence

was affecting your ability
to act naturally.

Oh, screw her.

So she sent this nanny cam bear
to monitor your every move.

Oh, my God. Redheads are brilliant.

Thank you for being
so considerate, Julianne.

- Hey.
- Hey, hey... hey, girlfriend.

Right. Okay, listen, I know you
told me, like, a million times

that you didn't want me
to set you up on a date.

Oh, I never said that. I love dating.

You hate dating.

You told me that you'd rather stay home

with a bag of marshmallows
and your neck massager.

Okay, well, that's true.

But I have a new,
positive outlook on life,

and I would love to date.

I would love to welcome
love into my life.

You do? Because when I asked you

if wanted to be set up on a date,

you told me to mind my
own f*cking business.

I didn't say "f*cking."

I said, "Don't mind your business."

You left out the "don't mind."

So you're gonna go on
this date this afternoon?

Oh, Jesus, what time? I'm swamped.

[scoffs] It's just coffee, Staci.

Hey, Staci loves coffee... and dating.

I do. I'm in.

Thank you so much for
thinking about me, Malik.

Okay. Oh...

Okay. Okay!

Okay.

Sista!

[lively trumpet music]

Okay, I think the best
form of security is...

a moat.

If we just put a lot of water
around our building,

nobody from th Street can even get in,

'cause they won't want to
get their clothes wet.

And we can fill it with alligators

and those flesh-eating fish.

Um...

I was thinking more in terms

of some security cameras
or a metal detector.

- I could get a g*n.
- No. You are not getting a g*n.

You don't trust me with a g*n?

I don't trust you with a walkie-talkie.

Ugh.

I just dropped one walkie-talkie
off of the rafters

and gave one person one tiny concussion.

It wasn't just a person.
It was a toddler.

Well, exactly. It was a tiny concussion.

Okay. Fine.

I'll give you the background test
for prospective g*n owners,

and we'll see how great
you do on that one.

Do you think I need a
number-two pencil for that?

Well, Donny Deutsch,
this has been really great.

I think I should get back to the office.

No, no, no rush. I know you're
probably worried about me,

because you think, you know,
big-time ad guy, TV personality.

I carved out some time for you,

so you don't have to worry about it.

- Okay.
- Yeah. No, this is kind of fun.

You know, I don't usually like
to talk about my money,

but, um, people think sometimes

that, you know, when
you're rich, it's hard,

and, oh, my God, and...

No.

It's so weird. It's so easy for me.

I just touch things,

- and the money pours in.
- Wow.

Sometimes I don't even have
to touch them all the way.

I just kind of have to put
the tip in a little bit.

Okay. All right. I'm
gonna get the check.

Oh, no, don't get the check. No, no.

- This is gonna blow you away.
- Oh.

.

Yeah, you're .

No, you would, like, think... [chuckles]

No, you would think I was, like...

I heard you're funny.
That's why you did that.

You're funny, and funny is good.

I think funny for women is great,

'cause sometimes not all
women don't all... have it all.

Okay, meanwhile...

Okay, let me explain
something to you, okay?

That's . I guarantee if we
called her over, she's .

I could hit that in a heartbeat.

Honey? Want me to show you?

No, I don't want...

No, just as, like, a clinical...

While I'm here having a meal with you?

Yes. No, no. By the way,
I'm here with you.

I could have that, but
I have actually chosen...

- Oh, my God.
- No, I want you to feel good.

No, no, I've chosen...

I'm not getting up now and going there.

No, no, you're not getting this.
This is a compliment.

- Thank you?
- And I am here with you.

I'm sorry. We got off track.

So I like to work out.
Yes, yes, you told me that.

- I can see that.
- Excuse me. Ms. Cole?

Um, this just arrived
from Julianne Moore.

Oh, Jesus.

Hi, thanks for coming.
I'm Donny, by the way.

- Nice to meet you.
- And this is...

- Staci.
- Staci, Staci.

You're so friendly, Donny.

I'm having fun. This is a fun date.

But you know what happens
a lot of times in restaurants?

I kind of wait to sense it,

'cause people know
about my body and stuff,

and sometimes people
are expecting me to...

get a little more comfortable.

Oh, my God.

You're not taking your shirt off
in a restaurant, right?

No, the undergarment
is still on, but this is...

Look at you.

You know, when you're in the public eye

and you start morphing
into what people expect...

- This is kind of something.
- That's amazing.

I've never been
on a t*nk top date before.

It's fun and whimsical
for all of us girls here.

It is. And sometimes we go out dancing.

This is so fun, just going on a date,

just once of Staci's dates.

- Right. Okay, one more thing.
- What?

Souvenir, souvenir for you.
Get your camera out.

- Okay.
- Come on, let's go.

- What am I doing?
- Come on.

This is for your friends,

'cause they're never gonna
believe you went out with me.

I'm gonna put it in a frame in my office.

[smooches] [camera shutter clicks]

From our date.

[groaning]

Mmm.

[groaning]

I'm thinking Jimmy
should get me a Jet Ski.

Jet Skis are boring.
What about a self-driving car?

Oh, yeah, those are cool.

But if I run someone over with it,

who goes to jail... me or the car?

- The car.
- Awesome.

- What's awesome?
- Todd is trying to figure out

what to get from Jimmy for his fat.

Um, I would hand him a Sephora catalog

and be like, "One of
everything, please."

[grunting goofily]

- I don't know what...
- Todd...

I'm not sure about this whole
fat-transferring thing.

What does your doctor say about it?

I haven't talked to any doctor.

Jimmy tells me I'll be fine.

No, Todd, you have to talk
to somebody about it.

It's not a joke. I don't have a doctor.

Then you need to fine one.

Where do I find a doctor?

Oh, yeah.

I know a guy.

[cheers and applause]

So what happens in menopause
is not only depletion

of sex hormones like estrogen
and progesterone,

but a compromised thyroid...

[grunts] Oh, me.

I'm not taking questions quite yet.

All right, so some women
experience hot flashes.

They get weight gain.
Then there's vaginal atrophy.

I'll be super quick, man.
[clears throat]

Where'd you get that microphone from?

Oh, "Nightcap" next door.

I work there. I'm, like,
best friends with Jimmy.

I'm trying to sh**t my show.

Oh, yeah, you're doing a great job.

- You're k*lling it, man.
- [chuckles]

[sighs] What's the question?

Um, is donating fat to
another person dangerous?

We're talking about menopause.

What does that have
to do with menopause?

All right, uh, if a -year-old lady

donates her fat to
another -year-old lady,

is that dangerous?

Yeah, it's dangerous.

You can get vein clots in your legs.

They can fly up to your lungs.

It's called a pulmonary embolism.

You can die from that.
That's not a good idea.

- What?
- Yeah.

No, I don't want to die.

All right, I'm gonna tell Jimmy
I'm not gonna do the surgery.

Hey, thanks, Dr. Oz.

You know what? You truly
are a wonderful wizard.

Okay, I got to get back to work.

Sorry about that. Excuse
me. Sorry about that.

I thought we had security here.

[lively trumpet music]

Are you ready for your
g*n safety test results?

[gum balls clattering]

Question one...

When handling firearms,

always assume every
firearm to be loaded.

You wrote, "No, look down the
barrel and see what's what."

Oh, I also should've put,

"You can shine a light down there, too."

My bad.

Question two:

"It is okay to be reckless
with your firearm

"as long as you know how to handle it

and feel confident using it."

You just drew a picture of yourself

sh**ting two Uzis in the air.

Yeah, but look how confident my face is.

You didn't get any of these correct,

not a single one.

You didn't even fill in
your name correctly.

Sometimes I spell it F-I-L-L,

'cause it's whimsical.

Please look in to additional
security cameras.

Think about a metal detector.

Hell, I'll even take a
moat at this point.

But whatever you do,
forget about getting a g*n.

Do you understand?

Jeez, you anti-g*n nuts are so intense.

Here...

take some chewy balls.

They taste great,
and they never dissolve.

[chewing loudly]

Okay, guys, I don't usually
like to reveal myself

so early in the process,

but I think that I have something

with this Staci character, but I
need your honest feedback.

Okay? Just be... please,
please, completely honest.

- Totally.
- Okay. All right.

Um... [clears throat]

This is a phone, okay?

Okay.

Karen, you got to get me Matt Damon.

[sighs] You got to be
f*cking kidding me.

You got to be f*cking kidding me!

Yes.

No, no, Karen, please, please.

No, no, I'm... no, I understand.

I totally understand,
but listen, Karen...

[whispering] See, the show is my life.

Kerry, I have to talk to
you about your set.

Sure, sure, but check this out.

Julianne Moore is work-shopping
a new character...

some crazy woman that
works here, I guess.

You can't? You really can't?

Maybe next time?

[groans] Okay, bye.

- Oh.
- Oh, my God.

That was...

[applause]

- Ridiculous.
- I thought so.

- I thought I had it, but...
- I mean...

when you put the
effortless beauty aside,

- it really felt like Staci.
- Yeah.

Okay. All right.

Okay, Julianne Moore, I need
to speak to you right now.

Okay, Julianne Moore, I need
to speak to you right now.

In private.

I need to speak to you in private.

Stop doing...

[applause]

What are you doing here?

Oh, hi, Sonya.

I need one of those teddy bear cameras

like Staci has in her office.

Why you look so pale and weak?

Well, the weak part is because
my body doesn't make muscle.

No, fool. Why weak like sad?

Oh. Some know-it-all thinks
I'm doing a bad job in security.

Security? [chuckles]

Nothing's secure.

Nothing.

I want to beef up security around here,

but for some reason, they
won't let me have a g*n.

I started carrying a
g*n when I was nine.

Was with the secret police
when I was .

k*lled three enemies of the
state when I was .

- Had to miss my prom.
- [both:] Mm.

Wait here.

A crossbow?

Mm, from "The Walking Dead" sketch.

You know how to use?

Yeah, Daryl's my favorite character.

Ooh, I am sensing a rise
in testosterone,

and it isn't me.

[deep voice] I'm sensing
a spike in something myself.

Impressive, Phil.

Oh, God, I never felt more like who I am

until I held this in my arms.

- [Both:] Listen to me.
- I am at the end of my rope.

I have let you shadow me, and
you've just made me feel bad.

I want it to stop!

Oh, that's it. That's
the end of my movie...

- a mental breakdown.
- No, no, no.

[Both:] This is not a mental breakdown.

This is me having had enough
of Julianne Moore.

- I want you gone!
- Gone!

[click] [gasps]

[normal voice] My bad!

- Ow!
- Oh, Jesus.

I will dispose of the w*apon.

Oh, that looks... Jesus.

I can't go to jail again.

♪ ♪

[monitor beeping]

I'm setting up cameras
around the studio...

to watch you.

Well, joke's on you.
I like being watched.

Enjoy the show.

Oh, my God, she's coming
to, she's coming to.

Do we have our stories straight?

Phil sh*t her in the chest
with a crossbow.

Right.

[inhales deeply, groans softly]

There's my freckle-faced girl.

[Both:] Hi.

Ah, you're so pretty.

- It hurts so much.
- I know.

And a long, complicated lawsuit

won't make you heal any faster.

[grunts haltingly]

That is not me being r*cist.

I know, Staci. You're a good person.

I know.

I'm not gonna sue.

I'm not gonna sue, you guys.

I mean, I-I just want to thank you guys.

- Oh.
- You're welcome.

You're welcome.

Yeah, 'cause you've given me
the perfect ending to my movie.

No one would expect a crossbow death

in a modern indie character study.

[gasps] That's exactly right.

She has an excellent point.

Oh, sweet. She's alive.

Hey, we're wearing the same dress.

Oh, no.

Um, what are you doing here?

Oh, yeah, I wound up donating
my fat to Jimmy after all.

He gave me those, like, puppy-dog eyes.

He's like, "You can use
that Hamptons Jet Ski"

anytime you want during
the month of January."

Oh, Julianne, you know what?

I got some extra fat left over here,

you know, if you want to
fill in that arrow hole.

- Oh, no, I'm good.
- Okay.

You can make a candle out of it.

That is brilliant, Julianne Moore.

- Damn.
- Right?

Right! Oh, my gosh.
Happy endings all around.

Okay, we have a show in minutes.

- So you rest.
- It's got wheels.

Yeah, keep pushing the
button on the drip.

- Okay.
- So pretty.

- Yeah, thank you.
- So pretty.

[monitor beeping]

Would you mind signing my arrow?

[woman speaking indistinctly over PA]

The guys in my bowling league
are gonna go crazy about this.

- I sh*t you.
- Thank you.