02x05 - Always a Beard, Never a Bride

[bunniefuu]

[lively trumpet music]

♪ ♪

So are you excited?

For my morning meeting?

No, for your lunch with Ross Matthews.

You know, I am. I think it'll be great

to have a friend outside of the show.

Well, are you sure
he wants to be your friend?

Maybe he wants you to invest
in his new alkaline water

- delivery system.
- No, I think he wants

- to be my friend.
- Or maybe he wants you to be

a partner for his chinchilla farm.

Or he wants to start a line
of ice skates for babies.

Are there just Madlibs going
on in your brain all the time?

Kinda.

I wanna do a high-four

instead of a high-five sometimes.

- Aliens?
- Hey, guys.

I'm very excited to say
we have a great show tonight.

Jesse Tyler Ferguson
from "Modern Family"

and one of Malik's old clients
is here tonight.

He is so great. So down to Earth.

The busty Latin one on that
show makes me laugh.

- Sofia Vergara?
- Is that who plays Manny?

We also have Michael Strahan. He's back.

- So that's super exciting.
- [all groan]

What's wrong with Strahan?
He seems awesome.

[dryly] Yeah, he's awesome.
Can't wait to produce that.

Oh, all right, guys,
let's have a fun show.

Okay? Bye-bye.

- Staci?
- Yeah?

You know how... unlike you,
I play it pretty cool

in front of the celebrities?
So you've been telling me.

Well, I have to say,
I'm a huge Michael Strahan fan.

This might sound crazy, but I think

he and I could be friends.
I think you could, too.

In fact, Davis, why don't you
produce his segment?

I was gonna push for that, but
didn't want to step on your toes.

Oh, by all means. It's yours.

- Thank you, Staci.
- Yeah.

I know you and I don't always
see eye-to-eye...

- No, we don't.
- True.

But, um, this is a classy move
and it doesn't go unnoticed.

[lightly chuckles]

Maybe he'll sign his rookie card for me.

[laughs] Oh, my God.

- Maybe.
- But, Staci, Michael Strahan...

Ugh. Who are you, Kylie Jenner?

- [laughs]
- That's not a compliment.

From Studio B
in the heart of New York City,

it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."

Tonight, the only man your mom
wants to wake up to,

Michael Strahan.

He has three names
and isn't a serial k*ller,

it's Jesse Tyler Ferguson.

He's back to nail you with comedy,

Todd the Tool.

And now, number five in the ratings,

but number one in our hearts,

here's Jimmy.

- [laughs]
- So I said... I go,

"Matty, I'll have another
glass of 'Cabaret'".

"Cabaret" instead of Cabernet?

- Yes!
- [laughs]

I knew you would love that. I knew it.

Cobb salad, sub soy bacon,
dressing on the side.

- That's me.
- So you must be...

fried chicken and waffles
already in a to-go box?

Yes.

Anyway, that way if Penny calls...

You know, it's just easier.

I get that. You're a working girl.

- I can respect that.
- Thank you.

Yas, queen. [snapping fingers]

- Right?
- I don't know.

I don't know.
Am I even doing that right?

[laughs] I don't know.

It's like I don't know what's
cool or what's what

until it's already dead.
Like, MySpace, dead.

- Vine, dead.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor, dead.

I... Okay, I don't quite get that one,

but, yeah, sure.

Seriously, though, Staci,
I felt like being gay

used to be so cutting edge.

You know, I was like on the outskirts.

I was a rebel, you know?

- Yeah.
- I was a bad boy.

- Yes.
- But now being gay is just...

- it's like old hat, right?
- Yeah.

Which brings me to the whole
purpose of this lunch.

Yeah.

I think we should be in a relationship.

Like a real relationship.

A fake relationship...

but a real fake relationship.

But I'm... and you're...

I was having a conversation with

my Hollywood agents,
you know and they were sort of

advising me that it would be
beneficial for my career

if I was perceived as pansexual.

Like fake girlfriend
to fake pansexual...

- h*m* man?
- Yes...

- And you're perfect.
- Oh.

- You are perfect for it!
- Well...

- No, you are.
- I mean, I'm no starlet.

I don't know why you'd pick me.
You got good hair.

- Oh.
- Even at your age,

you still look...
You know, you look... you look...

- pretty good. Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

And people would believe
that you would be

desperate enough to date someone me.

I guess I could try. I mean, I just...

- I knew you were my girl!
- [gasps] Your girl.

Ooh, makes me feel like high school.

He was gay then, too,
but I didn't know that.

Oh, perfect! Perfect! You're my girl.

I don't wanna rush you
into anything too soon, okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- All right?

Um, but I did call the paparazzi.

Fellas.

- Hi.
- Oh.

Honey, is a fake kiss
from a straight lady

too much for this h*m* to hope for?

- Sure! Yes! Okay. All right.
- Okay? Okay.

All right, so why don't you...
Let's see...

- [clears throat]
- You place your hand right here

- on my shoulder.
- Okay.

- Okay, but lightly, dear...
- Oh, I'm sorry.

You're not arresting me.

And then I'm going to
place my hand here.

- Uh-huh.
- And then we'll just sort of

move in here a little...
Okay, no tongue.

- Oh.
- Okay.

[camera shutters clicking]

- Mm-hmm. Okay?
- Oh.

- Oh.
- Thank you so much.

- Thanks, fellas. Thank you.
- Oh, gosh.

So, we'll just, um,
we'll do that like, um...

couple times a week for a couple months?

Think about it.

[elevator bell dings]

- Hi.
- Oh, hello.

I'm Jesse and I'm here for the show.

Oh, yeah, you're on the list.

- Great.
- But you don't have a plus-one,

- so b*at it, hippie.
- No, no, no, um...

He has to stay with me. Okay?

[stammers] If he doesn't stay with me,

it's gonna be a situation with...

Jesse, welcome.

I'm Davis Maxfield,
the new talent producer.

- The network sent me here to...
- That's great. Um...

so your security guard says
that I don't have a plus-one?

Have to have a plus-one.

What do you not understand about that?

I have to... [exhales deeply]

Thank you. Thank you.
Um, I apologize for my tone.

Um, that was unprofessional.
This is Boshka.

He's my guru. I met him on the set

of "Modern Family" last year
and he's very dear to me

and he keeps me in my emotional light,

so if it's okay,
I'd really appreciate it

if he could stay
in the dressing room with me.

- Please.
- Of course, Phil, please

- let him in.
- Yo, bro, you do magic?

[sitar music]

- You know D Blaine?
- No, no, not like...

Have you ever heard of The Passage?

- Nah.
- Oh.

Maybe that's 'cause The Passage
has been waiting for you.

What?

You know what? Come to my
dressing room, I'm gonna tell you

- all about it.
- Yeah.

- Yeah? Okay.
- Yeah.

Carry me.

Okay, yup. This way.

Well, that's a cult.

No way, he seemed so nice.

Yeah, now.

And then he's pumping you for money,

asking you to cut off ties with your mom

and then he's telling you
the Lizard Overlord is arriving.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like Godzilla?

No, not like Godzilla.

[lively orchestra music]

♪ ♪

Look, I don't want to
make you talk shop,

but I just have to say, your
NFL stats are amazing.

How did you perform at such
a high level for so long?

Well, first of all, thank you

and, you know, I had to think
bigger than the game.

I had to dig deep in the strategy.

Like opposing team's
play books, or game tape?

Yeah, that was okay, but no, like w*r.

The same thing that motivates
a man on the football field,

motivates a man in battle.

Football as w*r. Wow,
now that's intense.

You wanna know intense?

The Falkland w*r.
That's intensity, my friend.

A lot of people, they love to get edgy,

they love to try and say
it was a little skirmish.

Au contraire mon frère.

- It was w*r.
- Oh, really?

Oh, yeah, really,
but to understand it all,

you gotta go back to the beginning.

And it all started , all right?

The skies are grey, and these
guys, they're out there,

and they are really ready to fight.

[inhales sharply]

[exhales deeply]

Okay. That is how, you know,

using crystals,
Boshka is able to connect

all human beings creating this sort of

inner light harmony using
our hearts as instruments.

Wow. You cannot argue with that science.

No.

Now, Todd, Boshka and I saw
an inner light within you.

Yes, the minute we saw you.

We think you're a love beacon.

Sort of a lighthouse
on the cliff of humanity.

You know? It's your duty to mankind

to spread that love, so, that's sort of

part of the step. It's, you know,

building the next lighthouse
to the next Harmony Ech...

- It's confusing, so...
- Mm.

- Wow.
- Todd...

♪ Will you take this crystal
and spread your light? ♪

♪ Yeah, sure ♪

[lively trumpet music]

How'd it go with Ross Matthews?

Ugh.

Did he wanna be your friend?

[sighs] He wants me to be his beard.

- Really? Why?
- Why?!

Because I'm a beautiful,
sexy, successful woman.

- [chuckles]
- And he wants everyone to think

he's pansexual so he can
open up his fan base.

[scoffs] God, the kiss was so awkward.

As awkward as when you
made out with Bindi Irwin's

Komodo Dragon?

I told you to never make that face.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna call him up

and I'm just gonna let him down gently.

You can do what I did in high school

and tell him you have mono.

Penny, I'm not in high school.

You're absolutely right.
Uh, what about fibromyalgia?

Or, um, lupus! Or mesothelioma!

Why do I have to tell him
I have any of those things?

You're right. Way too showy.

Guess you gotta pull the gonorrhea card.

I'm gonna say, "I'm a successful woman"

and I'm very busy."

But I will keep gonorrhea
in my back pocket.

[lively trumpet music]

So say this with me, now.

These are...

- The Falkland Islands.
- [chuckles] Thumbs up to you.

- And these are...
- The Georgia Islands.

Which makes the pretzels...

The...

Um...

The South Sandwich Islands!
We went over this, man.

Come on, this is technically
two separate territories

lumped together in the same w*r.

I mean, these were wild times.

I'm serious.

April nd, ,

that's when things really start
to get interesting.

- Promise?
- [laughs] Oh, yeah.

[lively trumpet music]

[sitar music]

Boshka is serenity.
Boshka is inner and outer peace.

His calmness is empowering, you know?

- Mm.
- If you could just listen

to him... I know, I know he's not
talking, but if you could listen

with your... with your heart,
he's gonna get you

- where you need to be.
- [laughs]

You know, before Davis said
he thought this was a cult.

- What?
- [both laugh]

No. No. No, no.

I'm a mainstream, down-to-earth,

relatable television personality.

So I think I'm...
I think I'd be smart enough

to know if I was in a cult, you know?

Totally. Totally.

Hey, I think I can actually
feel it working.

Right here. Right here.

Oh, hey,

you guys are hanging out
with rocks on your forehead?

- Can I play?
- Uh, actually, we...

we don't have anymore floor space, so...

- I don't mind standing.
- No.

- I can...
- We need the airspace as well.

No.

Oh, my God, are you
kicking me out of the cult?

It's not a cu... [groans]

This is just like
my eighth birthday party

all over again.

We were on vacation in Waco.

Hey, what are those?

- Flowers from Ross.
- [gasps]

Are those "no hard feelings" flowers?

God, he's so gay and classy!

Actually, they're for me. [laughs]

Can you believe it?

I can't believe it.

Why are they for you?

He wants me to be his beard.
Isn't that so fun?

- So fun!
- Ooh, there's a card.

"Dear Penny, au bon pain?

"More like we be pan...

"sexual!" [gasps] Oh, my God,

there's an "XOXO."

Staci, are you not okay with this?

I'm totally fine with it.

I'm the one who gave him the boot.

Because if you're not
okay with this, I won't do it.

It'll be just like that time you
told me to pretend to be deaf

when George Clooney was around
so that you would be

the only woman in the office to talk to.

Penny, I'm the one
that wanted out of this, okay?

- So go ahead and fake date him.
- Really?

Yes! Go fake date him. Go fake make out.

Go fake make love. Fake marry.
Fake fake fake fake fake.

Oh, my God! Thank you!

Do me a favor, get the
flowers out of here.

- You know, my allergies.
- Oh, my God, of course.

[sarcastically] Oh, my God, Penny, wait,

this is so terrible. Something
happened to the card.

[babbling]

[lively trumpet music]

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking
this is ridiculous, right?

Oh, my gosh, I'm so glad you said that

because what am I wearing, right?

- It's terrible.
- Terrible!

How's anybody supposed to believe

that you're Lieutenant General
Leopoldo Galtieri

if you're missing two signets
on your lapel, man?

Yeah, totally.

You know what? Now as I was saying,

neither country declared w*r,
what they did do,

they established The Red Cross Box.

All this while they did not declare w*r,

but you could see,
they acknowledged w*r.

You agree with that?
I do agree with that.

You know, Michael,
I'm loving this history

as strategy thing so much,

I don't think we should
keep it to ourselves.

- Really?
- I know someone

who's an excellent listener.

[all chanting:] Be the harmony.
Be the harmony.

- Be the harmony.
- Oh.

Boshka, I'd like to
introduce you Michael Strahan.

Hey, Boshka, how are you?

It's a really cool class
you got going on here.

- Really cool.
- [all chanting] Be the harmony.

You know what else is cool?
The Falkland w*r.

You know, during the Falklands w*r,

Argentinean government...
they banned all English music,

but you know what that did?

It gave rise to local rock bands.

An unintended,
but very exciting consequence.

[all chanting:] Be the harmony.

[lively trumpet music]

Oh, my God.

- You look like a Kardashian.
- Thank you.

I went to Marcus for a little lip gloss

before my big coffee date
with Ross Matthews

and instead he did this.

Well, I've been here working.

- What is all of this?
- Well, it is all the writers

from the history of the show
and I need you to put them

all on a hard drive for the archives.

But you said we didn't
have to do this anymore.

Did I? Well, you do.

But I have my coffee date
with Ross in half an hour.

[gasps] Well, you're
gonna have to call him

and tell him you're gonna be very late.

Are you trying to keep me from Ross?

- Of course not.
- Because you said

you were okay with us dating.

I am okay with you dating.

You just have to finish your job.

- I'm not canceling on Ross.
- Oh, why because you

love him so much?

Because you don't wanna
miss your fake date

where you're gonna make a fake sex tape

and become a fake gazillionaire?

What if I want that? Why would you care?

I don't care. I don't care at all.

But of all the gay men in America,

- you had to beard mine?
- See! I knew you were mad!

Damn straight I was mad!

Well, why didn't you say so
when I asked you earlier,

- "Staci, are you mad?"
- Because...

you should know I'm mad
without me having to tell you.

You should be able to think my
thoughts before I'm able to

Oh, great. Right. So
even when you mess up,

it's still somehow my fault?

Well now you're finally understanding

- your position at the show!
- Yeah?

- Yeah!
- Yeah?

- Yeah!
- Yeah, I get it!

All of the blame, none of the respect!

And if you think you are gonna break up

this beautiful, fake
pansexual relationship,

then you have got another thing coming!

To you!

What are you doing?

Storming out...

but these shoes are so high.

Still stormin'!

[lively trumpet music]

[all chanting:] I'm the lighthouse.
I'm the lighthouse.

[all chanting:] Be the harmony.
Be the harmony.

And that, my friend, was
the turning point in the w*r.

You know what? I have to go

talk to the director,

so I'll catch up with you in a second.

- All right, Michael?
- Hm. Sounds good.

But you wanna know one thing?
Really crazy, okay?

Craziest story of all. The BBC...

they announced the taking
Goose Green on the radio

before it actually happened.
How do you do that?

Is it hubris? Or...

do you have an inside source?

[Both:] ♪ I am the harmony ♪

- The debate rages on...
- [shouts] Shut up!

Shut the f*ck up!

Enough about Argentina

and England and the f*cking islands!

Shut up! The Falklands w*r?

It's dumb! The Falklands
w*r is not dumb!

- You're dumb!
- Oh, and by the way,

you didn't deserve NFC
Defenseman Player of the Year

in or because you suck!

Go Pats! Whoo!

- [evil laughter]
- Boshka, your voice is scary.

[sitar music]

Wha... What is it...
my... bright child of...

- the lighthouse.
- Oh, my God.

Okay, um...

This is a cult.

Yeah, I fell for a f*cking cult!

No, no, no, no, how could this be a cult

if I bring you so much harmony?

[shouting] Do I look
m*therf*cking harmonious?

Go... to your lighthouse.

[mockingly] Your lighthouse.
Go to your light...

[shouting] You go to your
f*cking lighthouse, Boshka!

Oh, my God, he almost convinced
me to leave "Modern Family."

- What?
- Giving up your

material possessions...

will lead you to enlightenment.

Uh-huh! Yeah, okay, so the Lamborghini

that I bought the "Church..."

was that a material possession?

Jesse, I explained to you
at the dealership

that the Lamborghini is
the vehicle to the lighthouse.

Okay, I can't believe
I f*cking fell for this.

Um...

You're a crazy person
and you can think twice

about me investing that yurt colony

in Martha's Vineyard.

That deposit is, uh, non-refundable.

m*therf*cker.

[elevator bell dings]

Phil, my boyfriend...

Ross Matthews is on his way.

Can you please send him up for our date?

You know he's gay, right?

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh, my God, Jesse, hi.
- Hey.

- Are you okay?
- Uh, yeah, I just realized

I've been in a cult for the past year,

I gave away a huge chunk of my money,

and I almost ruined
my entire entertainment career.

- So, but...
- Bummer.

Yeah. Uh, on a happier note.

I'm really excited to be on the show.

Oh, we're so excited
to have you on the show.

Yeah, I've got a great
Sofia Vergara story.

Oh, my gosh, will you do the accent?

- [in Colombian accent] Yes.
- [squeals] That's exciting.

All right, I'll come in
and preinterview you.

[sighs]

Oh, my God hide me!

He's gone, Davis.

Cool, I'll just hide in
my office till he leaves.

[elevator bell dings]

Oh, Penny, Penny, we need to talk.

You ready to do this
or just pretend to do it, babe?

[stammers] I was just with
Jesse Tyler Ferguson

and I'm thinking that being in a cult

right now is way hotter than being pan.

What are you saying?

I'm gonna join a cult
and then dramatically escape.

Katie Holmes style.

- Ahh.
- It's good, right?

- It's good?
- But...

But you... you are a delight.

Thank you. Thank you so much, okay?

And this is... This is good.

This is very "Deal or No Deal"
suitcase girl.

- I likee.
- Aww.

- Oh, Boshka! Wait up.
- Oh...

Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny,
Penny, Penny, Penny.

- I'm so sorry.
- That's okay.

No, it's not okay.

It's Ross' loss, but there are plenty

of other gay men pretending
to be pansexual in the sea.

- I don't think that's true.
- No, I don't think so, either.

- But I thank you for trying.
- Oh.

Oh! This feels like pony.

- [chuckles]
- I hate to break it to you,

but this is straight up Mexican donkey.

And a little bit of Yak.

[lively trumpet music]