02x08 - Getting Drilled

[bunniefuu]

["Witch's Theme" from
"The Wizard of Oz" playing]

♪ ♪

♪ Tear it down ♪

Okay ladies, let's run through

everyone's assigned duties from

the tornado safety checklist
one more time.

- Check windows.
- Retrieve the emergency radio.

- Bring down the first aid kit.
- Make sure everyone

gets in the shelter, after which
I will close the door.

Which is the most important
and stressful job of all.

- You're welcome.
- Thanks for

bearing that cross, Miss Snap.

Okay, I think we're all set
in case the weather gets worse.

I didn't receive my assigned task.

Hm. Sorry about that.

We must have forgotten about her

because she doesn't have
a real classroom.

Yes, Ms. Cannon, if the sirens go off,

you'll turn off the school's gas line.

So that this bad boy doesn't blow

like a poached egg in a microwave.

Right, Frank?

- Mrs. Adler, you're late.
- Sorry.

My car's in the shop again.
We had to bike in.

- [all exclaim]
- Oh, Deb!

- What is that thing?
- It's my cat.

I thought he d*ed over a week ago.

He did, and I've had him
professionally preserved.

Just so you know, that is a gateway step

to becoming a serial k*ller.

Why did you bring him to school?

Because I'm not ready
to separate from Wasabi.

I read on the Internet
that it's perfectly normal

to carry around something
that reminds you

of someone you love
until you're ready to move on.

I don't think they meant
a loved one's carcass.

How about a little understanding?

Mrs. Adler, I think we're all
having a tough time empathizing

because it's not a dog.

Just remember, if we have
an emergency weather situation,

stay calm and work together.

Perfect teachable moment
to watch "Sharknado" today.

Awesome.

It's a good thing these ladies

have two strong men like us for backup.

- That's a little sexist.
- You're right, I'm a pig.

I'm sorry.

[thunder booms]

It takes about . days

to complete one lunar cycle.

Does anyone know what else
happens every . days?

[wind swirling]

Okay. Oh, my God... oh!

[door slams]

Whoa.

Hey, Deb, I just... oh!

You really need to get
your own show on TLC.

Do you need something?

I'm supposed to tell you
that we're gonna have

indoor recess today
because of the bad weather.

Should we be in a trailer
during a tornado?

That's how my Aunt Trina
lost Beanie Babies.

- And her life.
- You won't get off that easy.

Oh, Deb, I'm so sorry
that you're mentally ill.

- [wind swirling]
- Okay, oh, my God.

I am too skinny for this!

[thunder booming]

The angels are bowling.

[siren wailing]

- This is it!
- Watch the duty!

[blows whistle]

Code Scarlet, initiate!

Okay, step one. Stand in a door frame.

No, that's not it.

[blows whistle]

Buddy system, initiate!

Feel doorknobs for heat? No!

Left, left, left, right, left!

When you get your luggage,
check the tag?

Run!

It's like the Titanic!
Women and children first!

We're all women and children, you idiot!

The plan is my class
is supposed to go first.

Fan out, initiate!

Let us through!

Here! Take my students!

I have to go back and get Wasabi!

We're all gonna die!

[screaming]

The miracle of surround sound

makes it feel like
this is really happening.

[screaming]

Ms. Feldman.

There's a tornado.

Oh, no. It's just our movie.

I'll turn it down.

No, there's an actual tornado.

Oh, crap.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Wasabi.

I could never forget you.

And if we're meant
to be sucked up in this twister,

then so be it, it is your will.

- Please...
- Ms. Bennigan?

- Come on!
- I just prayed for help

and here you are!

[metal scraping]

I can't die without telling Kris Jenner

how inspiring she is
as a business woman!

- Back up, Cannon!
- [screams]

Go! Go!

[children screaming]

Okay, ladies, get everyone inside, okay?

I'm gonna do one final sweep.

I might not make it
out of this, Roberta.

And you know I can't compete with a man

who designs blue jeans for a living.

But I need you to know this.

I love you.

Toby, we need to go right now.

And I lied, I did take
your season four DVD

- of the "Gilmore Girls."
- Toby, now!

I'm sorry I'm leaving this
on your voicemail.

I... bye.

Okay, I think that's everyone.

Hey, two more! Two more.

Uh!

- No!
- [lock clicks]

No. Hello? Chelsea?

- Let me in!
- No!

Okay, opening the door risks
my... our... our lives in here.

- [grunting]
- Sorry!

Not sorry.

[crying]

I'm sorry, buddy. I'm sorry.

[thunder clapping]

[rock music] ♪ Tear it down ♪

I am incredibly disappointed
in all of you.

They're the ones that screwed up.

I followed the plan.

That's because the plan is
shoved so far up your ass

you can't help but have it on your mind.

You're the one that tried
to save a grocery cart

instead of children, you moron.

That was incredibly stupid,
but at least the cart had a use,

unlike Adler's road k*ll.

You locked me out of the shelter,

you "Bachelor in Paradise" reject.

- [gasps]
- Yeah, that was

pretty whack, Chelsea.

Oh, you know what was really whack?

You almost k*lling your kids

because you wanted to watch "Sharknado."

Exsqueeze me. That was for them.

I've already seen "Sharknado"
like nine times.

That film is an abomination.

Sharks were not created to fly!

Enough!

You are all on probation
until you complete

the team-building seminar

at the Positive River
Synergy Center in Schaumburg.

You're sending us to Schaumburg?

Yes, I am sending you to Schaumburg.

- Schaumburg.
- Yes, Schaumburg!

- Schaumburg.
- Yes, Schaumburg!

[dramatic music]

[playing flute]

[flute silences]

Welcome, Earth Goddesses
of Fillmore Elementary.

We are gathered here
in this sacred space

to practice communicating openly
and releasing negativity.

This is gonna suck
more [bleep] than Chelsea.

At least I'm not the one carrying around

that decomposing house pet, psycho.

Now, when you met me at check-in,

I introduced myself as Harvey.

But here in this talking circle,
call me Rain Owl.

Loser.

This is a sacred talking stick.

Given to us from the ancient
tradition of the Iroquois.

Oh, awesome. I love Jamiroquai.

No, Iroquois.

Please, let's be culturally sensitive.

When we hold the talking stick,
it is only then that we speak.

It represents a moment of uninterrupted,

emotional expression.

Great. Chelsea's a selfish bitch

for leaving me and Wasabi behind.

Oh, my God. I can't with this cat.

Stop talking about your
gnarly Build-A-Bear.

He just said you can't talk
without the stick.

I'll cut your tits off.

Oh, go burn in hell with your dead cat.

Why is everyone persecuting me?

Cannon's the one who jammed the doorway

with her homeless lady art cart.

You can't talk without the stick!

- You never follow the rules!
- Please.

Please be careful
with the talking stick.

It's actually signed
by Shirley MacLaine.

I have something to say.
None of you ever listen to me.

- Let me talk.
- You can't talk

because you're not holding the stick.

What is wrong with you people?

There's only one rule: only talk
when you have the stick.

That's it!

If there's a stick
in your hands, hey, go for it!

That's the rules. But there's no stick

in your hands, then guess what?

Don't talk!

Girl...

you don't have the stick.

Oh, my God. [crying]

Oh, my God.

I think we're done with the stick.

I'm just gonna put it here to recharge.

Let's try this:

when someone says something
we want to emotionally support,

we'll respond with
the Cherokee affirmation,

"Ah, ho."

Caroline, you just need to
learn to go with the flow.

No, I don't handle things well
when they don't

go according to plan.

Hoo, haa.

No, it's ah, ho.

Give it a rest, Harvey.

It's Rain Owl!

Anyway, I don't wanna talk about it.

This is a talking circle.

You have to talk or we're never
getting out of here.

Fine. You wanna know?

- You really wanna know?
- Yes.

Ah, ho.

Okay.

When I was , I was cast as Peter Pan

in a community theater production

of the musical "Peter Pan."

I was so excited.

I was the star of the show
and I got to fly.

The plan was for me to do
a basic fly-over the audience.

But since it was opening night,

I got a sudden rush of adrenaline

and I improvised a front aerial roll.

My leotard got caught on the window

of the darling children's nursery and...

ripped off.

I was on stage, completely naked.

Let's just say there was no
doubt that Peter Pan

was not a real boy after that.

I ruined the magic of Neverland
for everyone.

And that was before Michael Jackson.

So now I stick to the plan,
no matter what.

Oh, my God.

I would have k*lled myself.

Yeah, I would have k*lled myself.

We're really sorry, girl.

That does sound like a real bummer.

But, you know, if I had a plan,

I wouldn't be here right now.

- What do you mean?
- Well, I never would have

become a teacher if I hadn't
stolen a women's identity.

- Dear God.
- What?

What's wrong with you people?

I could've sworn
I told you guys this one, no?

All: No.

Okay. When my best friend Lola

got her first teaching job
out of college,

we decided to celebrate
by going to the Warped Tour.

It was rad.

But the next morning,

Lola was too hung-over to go and teach.

So I stepped into her class
while she ran downtown

to grab some weed to crush her nausea.

But at some point that morning,
Lola stopped texting me back

and before I knew it, I had
taught a whole school year.

Wait. Lola disappeared?

Oh, no, no. I heard from her eventually.

Turns out she joined a cult.

I saw her at Walgreens two years later

with hair down to her butt
and two husbands.

Isn't it funny how God always
takes care of us?

I think it's a little more complicated

- than that, Mary Louise.
- It's not.

It's simple. Like yesterday.

I prayed for God to save me, and he did.

No. Frank came and saved you.

Listen, I know that you and I
have different beliefs,

but as my friend, I need you
to respect what I believe.

That's great, Ms. Bennigan.

Now let's go a little deeper.

Why don't you dance your emotions?

Seriously, Harvey,
shut your spirit hole.

Listen, I do respect your beliefs.

I just wish you'd be a little
bit more active while praying.

- Let me pray about it.
- Yes, yes.

Let's all get more active, shall we?

Everyone pick a spirit animal.
Right now.

[crying]

- [sighs]
- Oh, Deb.

You still thinking about
your dead kitty cat?

It's just that,
Wasabi was the only friend

that I could really rely on.

I mean, I have my derby girls.

My coven.

Those poor dweebs in my class.

But Wasabi's been my consistent source

of unconditional love
for the last years.

You can rely on us, Deb.

You left me to die yesterday.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did.

Look, I'm sorry I left you behind.

But it was purely instinctual.

My whole life, I've had to
take care of myself.

I have to talk about that now, don't I?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, God. Okay, fine.

Feelings. Gross.

Growing up, when my mom married Don

and we went to live
in South Padre Island,

she wasn't around and I was
forced to take care of myself.

And then when she
divorced Don and married Hank,

I was forced to
take care of myself again.

And then when Hank d*ed
in a go-kart accident...

which really wasn't my fault...
and she married Karen,

I was forced to take care
of myself again, again.

So I've just always had to take
care of myself

because no one else will.

But you were right.

I should have been there for you, Deb.

[poignant music]

And Wasabi.

[crying] I just love you all so much.

♪ ♪

- I love you guys, too.
- Guys...

I thought today was really gonna suck,

but it was awesome, 'cause we all got

to share our feelings.

[laughter] Yeah!

Sorry, I didn't mean to be mean.

Are you kidding me?

I haven't gotten to share anything.

This whole time,
I've been trying to talk

and none of you will listen to me.

Just because my class
is a rusty grocery cart,

doesn't mean I'm a second-class citizen.

I just want the opportunity to talk!

You're right. We're really sorry, dude.

What did you wanna say?

[exhales]

That's it.

I just wanted the opportunity to talk.

- [all laughing]
- Well, then get in here, girl!

- Yeah! I'm sorry.
- Oh, I love you guys.

Why are you ladies celebrating?

It's not like you're gonna get
off probation any time soon.

Oh, really, Rain Owl?

'Cause I think the six of us
just owned your Synergy Center.

No, I don't think you did.

Because you literally ignored

all of my expert advice and counsel.

You couldn't possibly be
good role models for students

because I have seen you all
on the inside.

And you're selfish and ugly!

[all gasping]

- Ugly?
- Ugly.

Oh, hell no!

I will... oh! [wood snapping]

My ankle! Oh, my God!

- My ankle!
- My talking stick.

Girl, are you okay?

- [rock music]
- ♪ Tear it down ♪

Ow. My brittle model bones.

Her ankle's for sure sprained.

- Okay, girl.
- No, stop.

Well, congratulations.

You're officially the worst
group to come through here

since the HR team from Kibbles 'n Bits.

You changed "ah-ho" to "hoo-ha,"

nobody became a spirit animal,

and you broke my stick.

Now get off my Synergy Course.

Whatever, just give us our
certificates and we'll leave.

Hmm, I don't sign your certificates

until you complete the obstacle course.

[dramatic music]

I knew I should have worn
my casual pearls.

Wait, we have to do that?

I thought that was for
the "Scared Straight!" teens.

No, that's for you.

Which means you will never
get off probation.

That's not fair.
I'll go through it twice,

and you can count one for Chelsea.

No. Doesn't work like that.

The stick breaking gimp is done.

Okay. That was rude.

You guys go ahead without me.
I'll be fine.

Chelsea, we're not leaving you behind.

We got into this together
and we're getting

out of it together, right?

All: Right!

How?

I have a plan.

[rousing music]

- Wait, you guys.
- all: Oh.

Sorry, girl.

[bird screeching]

[laughs]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

You guys go ahead.

I've got Chelsea.

Okay, Chelsea,
hold onto me and hop across.

♪ ♪

[pained grunt]

[grunts] Oh!

- Oh!
- Chelsea!

- Gosh!
- Are you okay?

[laughs] That's right, suffer.

Okay, let's try again.

I hate the wilderness.

Oh! Okay.

Ah... ho.

♪ ♪

- Come on, Chelsea.
- Eye on the prize.

- Come on Chelsea, go.
- Come on, girl.

- You got it, Snap.
- Awesome, go!

[all exclaiming]

Oh...

Okay. Screw the plan.

Break my stick,
the obstacle course breaks you!

[laughs] Ow, ow, ow, ow.

We're going rogue, Chelsea.

♪ ♪

On the count of three,
I'm gonna swing you over.

One, two, three!

Oh! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- [smacking]
- Oh!

Oh, I did it.

- Yes!
- Way to change the plan, girl.

Just like Peter Pan.

[heroic music]

I should have been a CPA.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Dear Lord or savior, Jesus Christ,

please help me to survive
so that I can continue

to be best friends with Chelsea.

Mary Louise,
while I respect your prayer,

you have to do something real... ly cool

and physical to move.

♪ ♪

I prayed about it and I'm down to clown.

This is so cool.
I'm the answer to my own prayer!

You're squishing Wasabi.

- Okay, okay.
- [grunting]

- Hold on, lemme just... ah!
- Aah!

Don't leave me. Oh!

Oh.

[groaning]

[sighs]

Looks like no dates this weekend.

- Oh, God!
- [straining]

Oh, where are you guys?

[groaning]

How are we gonna get Chelsea across?

- In "Sharknado"...
- [groans]

A force of nature carries
sharks in the air.

I can be that force of nature.
I'll carry Chelsea.

Yes, it'll be just like that
Footprints in the Sand poster.

Okay. Yeah.

[both grunting]

- Ow.
- Sorry, dude.

- Ow.
- My bad.

- Ow.
- Watch your head.

♪ ♪

[groans]

- Uh!
- [straining]

- Ow!
- Dude, get off my noggin.

Ah! Oh, man, did you fart?

Sorry, dude.

We're almost there!

I can't die. I'm not waxed.

Come on, we can't let Rain Owl win.

[straining] I can't make it.

My willowy arms are too tired.

Grab my hand, grab my hand.

[grunting]

- Oh!
- Wasabi!

♪ ♪

Just drop me, Deb.

Go on without me!

I'm not leaving you behind, Chelsea.

Ah.

It's time, Wasabi.

[poignant music]

[gasps]

[thud]

♪ ♪

Oh, my God. [straining]

I'm gonna start working out

instead of just being naturally thin.

- Come on, Chelsea.
- You're so close.

- You can do it.
- Come on, girl, I got it.

Got it? Almost, almost.

- Oh, oh, oh.
- Oh! Oh.

[all cheering]

I'm coming behind you.

Okay.

[all cheering]

We did it! [laughter]

I've never felt more taken
care of in my whole life.

- You're my hero.
- That was times better

- than "Sharknado."
- Yeah, Deb,

you made a true sacrifice for the team.

And we weren't the only ones who saw it.

[screeching]

[all gasping]

[snarling, chittering]

[screaming]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

After you, girl.

Aw. How about we go together?

- Aww.
- Ow!

- Oh, oh, careful.
- Ow!

- Okay.
- Ow!

[chittering] Ow!

- Raccoon!
- [all screaming]

Oh, no!

[all screaming]

Why don't one of you b*tches help me?

Oh, thank you so much, Deb.

I dropped my certificate!

[raccoon chittering]

Are you kidding me?