02x09 - In Security

[bunniefuu]

Left. Left.

Left, right, left.

Left. Left.

Left, right, left.

Hut.

Hut.

Hut.

Hut.

Present colors.

Hut. Hut. Hut.

Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut.

Raising halyards!

[percussive music]

♪ ♪

[recorder music] ♪ Fly Old Glory ♪

♪ Soar ♪

♪ With grace you honor Fillmore ♪

♪ Tear it down ♪ Chelsea, are you sure

you can't raise the flag
while I go to my church retreat?

I haven't missed a raise
in over two years.

Oh, I wish I could, but I can't.

You don't even know when it is yet?

Oh, I still can't.

Caroline?

Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.

I was just wondering how
Oprah and Stedman make it work

with such challenging schedules.

I can't leave unless I find someone.

Mm, I'll do it.

I got you covered.

Anybody else?

There you are, Mrs. Adler.

Fillmore is forming a kickball team

for the district league this year.

You're gonna be it's new coach.

[scoffs] I don't do sports.

Every teacher has to participate
in an extra-curricular activity,

and you've already declined
football, volleyball, soccer,

and for some reason checkers.

Checkers is a gateway game.

I'm sorry, but your number is up.

This sucks.

Competitive sports
breed future date rapists.

This may as well be a giant roofie.

♪ ♪

We got a thief.

Someone's been stealing
cleaning supplies.

Oh, sugar.

I mean, sh*t.

'Cause I say that curse.

We need to get on this

and create an action agenda together.

Maybe at P.F. Chang's?

I'm just bringing you up to speed.

I got this. I just need to weed through

last week's security footage.

Oh, all right.

Maybe we can get some Chang's next time.

♪ ♪

[inhales]

You guys wanna play kickball?

Yeah, I'm really good.

My mom says I'm
the Greg Louganis of kickball.

Really?

Okay. Let's see what you got.

[grunts]

[applause]

My mom says I have great follow through.

- Whoo-hoo!
- That's one way to look at it.

Though slightly delusional.

Okay.

Deidre.

Try catching.

- Oh!
- Are you okay?

I'm awesome.

♪ ♪

[knocks gently]

How's the criminal investigation going?

Come here. You need to see the footage

from last Tuesday.
Did you find the thief?

Oh, check this out, Toby. Come on.

[mischievous music]

Miss Cannon? I don't believe it.

Look at that.

Ready to load up the goods
like hippie Santa Claus.

Wait for it.

What is that?

That's what hypocrisy tastes like.

She's vegan, right?

[scoffs] Yeah.

It's like watching
a jackal eviscerate an ox.

That's weird, right?

Welcome to my world.

[both laugh]

[rock music]

Mm.

♪ ♪

Ooh. Sorry I'm late.

I had to run to my apartment
and turn on my lava lamp

to make sure it was working
right by the time I got home.

Feldman, this is serious.

This flag is a symbol of America

and it must be treated
with the utmost respect.

If so much as a thread
of this flag is desecrated,

it must to be b*rned immediately.

- Ho-ho, whoa.
- If you're going to do this,

you need to treat it honorably.

- Do you understand me?
- Hells yeah.

[gasps]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[rock music]

Remind me to buy bat food
on my way home.

[phone beeps]

This can't be it.

Where's the Fillmore field?

You're on it, Top g*n.

Really?

This looks like a giant litter box.

If you're here to pick up your kid,

they've got another
minutes of practice.

I'm Marta Stryker.

I'm the kickball coach
at Lakewood Elementary.

I came to scout our competition.

You drove miles to scout
a grade school kickball team?

No. I ran.

Is that your team?

They just started practicing.

Listen, our uniforms cost more
than you make in a year.

We're undefeated the last seven seasons,

so why don't you do that
litter of preemies a favor

and forfeit Friday's game?

- [both grunt]
- Oh, my God, they're pathetic.

Whoa, hold up, Green Mile.

The kid on my team may not be "athletes"

or "coordinated"
or "fully-functioning humans,"

but that doesn't give you
the right to come over here

and take a 'roid dump on them.

Look, you dress like a teen runaway,

so I'm guessing you know what it's like

to have your dreams crushed,

but don't do that to your kids.

I was not a teen runaway.

I faked my own death

to find out who really cared about me.

We will not forfeit.

Last chance, Beetlejuice.

Read my lips.

- No forfeit.
- Got it, I got it, I got it!

[clattering] [grunts]

♪ ♪

[rock music] - ♪ Tear it down ♪

I'm just saying, not having
a vegan-only microwave

could be seen as discrimination.

Have the chickens
stopped screaming, Cecilia?

What?

No vegan microwave.

Ooh, looks like someone caught
the crafting bug.

No, I haven't given up on life yet.

These are uniforms for my kickball team.

Ugh, they smell like
fruit leather and stale urine.

I thought you hated competitive sports?

I do, but I'm also a champion
for the underdog,

and that pituitary freak Marta
needs a [bleep] punt.

Why don't you coach them in something

you're actually good at? Like brooding?

Or being an emotional time b*mb?

I could make those kinds into champions

if it wasn't for the fact that
their parents raised them

with delusional millennial self-esteem.

So I need to break them down
and reprogram them

in order to make them a team.

Seems like someone's using these kids

to work through their own issues.

[laughs awkwardly]

Do... do I seem like I have issues?

[laughing]

Hope you don't mind I salted it.

Good for me. Chocolate covered raisins?

- [grunts]
- Wait, wait.

[muffled]
There's... Miss Snap is going in.

[clears throat]

[light music]

Oh!

Ugh.

How deep is it in there?

Well, she got it out.

Wednesday's a bust.

This might take us all week.

- You think?
- Yeah.

Mm.

Sweet and salty.

Sweet.

And on the th fold,

make sure the stars face skyward,

reminding us
of this nation's great motto:

In God we trust.

- Got it?
- Got it.

Okay, your turn.

[chuckles softly] Got it.

[dramatic music]

Oh.

So you're saying our parents
have been lying to us

about how good we are?

- Yeah.
- Well, my mom says

we're all winners for having spunk.

You aren't, and tell your mom

to stop using the word "spunk."
It means something else now.

Our game with Lakefield is on Friday,

and you've got to take my word for it.

You currently have absolutely
zero chances of winning

because you're terrible
and you have no skills.

So let's just imagine
what you're saying is true,

what do you suggest we do about it?

You get off your butts,

you stop living in a dream world,

and you learn how to play the game.

Bring it in. Come on.

All right, "go" on three.

One, two, three,

- go!
- [all screaming]

You're supposed to say "go"

not go go.

Remember,

the flag cannot touch the ground.

Right.

[sneezes]

♪ ♪

All right, Quinn.

Let's see what you got.

Come on, buddy. Look alive, look alive.

Come on. Good, good work.

♪ Kicking the ground
gettin' down in the dirt ♪

♪ Engine's hot and it's ready to go ♪

♪ Payin' my dues
workin' hard every day ♪

♪ I'm a rockin' and I'm ready to roll ♪

♪ It's my time, I'm ready now ♪

♪ I'm starting across... ♪

Nathan, incoming.

- [both grunt]
- ♪ I'm gunnin' for you ♪

- ♪ So you better get back... ♪
- Just like that!

Yeah, hustle, hustle, hustle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, hustle.

Oh, take your time, D.

Tag her, Quinn.

[grunts]

Yes!

♪ Knowing that I'm making ♪

♪ All my dreams come true ♪

- Ooh, I made it!
- [all cheer]

I made it! I did it!

- I kicked it!
- Yeah, buddy, yeah!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do that.

Ready?

- Hut.
- Hut.

- Hut. Hut. Hut.
- Hut.

- Hut. Hut.
- Hut.

- Hut. Hut!
- Hut.

I'll just cancel my church retreat.

No, wait.

I can do better.

You may think I'm a mess,

but I'm a patriot too.

The country responsible for both
Jerry and Cherry Garcia?

Sign me up.

A nation that drapes
full strips of bacon

around the entire circumference
of a pizza crust?

That's where I want to live.

A great democracy

where you can drive
your truck to a stadium

and watch other trucks get crushed

by even bigger trucks?

Don't tread on thee.

Please?

Just give me another chance?

One more.

Hut. Hut.

Hut. Hut. Again.

Shoulders squared. Hut. Hut.

Chin up, ears back, feet forward...

- Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut.
- Tight butt,

fingers tucked, lock your knees.

Hut. Again. Again.

Again!

That was good.

What're you doing?
That's not part of it.

[vomits, gags]

[dramatic patriotic music]

You protected the flag.

♪ ♪

You're ready.

[rock music]

Wait. What?

- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- It's : p.m.

- Who's this guy?
- [grunts]

[suspenseful music]

[gasps]

- [clicks tongue]
- Peas and rice.

Not Miss Watson.

That is so disappointing.

Wait a minute.

She's not leaving.

Let's fast forward a little bit.

She's cleaning.

I guess that's not really a problem.

No, that's helpful.

We did it.

We caught our thief.

- [laughs]
- That we did, partner.

- [exhales]
- [both chuckle]

All right, good job.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey. It's you, Toby.

- Mm.
- Well, you can't tur...

- we're... turn that off.
- No, no way, no way.

- [laughs]
- No, no, no, no.

Oh, please turn it off.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

I'm not a man.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

[militaristic music]

Okay, we gotta go! Whoo!

- Let's go, everybody!
- Eye of the tiger, guys.

- Look badass.
- Go, do your flip!

Go, let's go, let's go!
Come on, everybody.

Line it up, line it up, line it up!

So your team ready to get buried
like a cat turd?

You're a cat turd!

[dramatic music]

Wow, they're bigger than us.

♪ ♪

I don't think we can b*at them.

Hey, you need
to get your heads in the game.

If they sense the slightest sweetness,

they will tape a ketchup soaked tampon

to the seat of your pants,

and their taunting posts
on MySpace will haunt you

- for the rest of your life.
- What's MySpace?

You need to face your enemy and fight

or they will call you Dumb Fatter,

which doesn't even make sense

'cause you're name is Deb Adler.

My name is Deb Adler! It's Deb Adler!

Where are you guys going?

You said we were terrible,

and you were right.

[rock music] - ♪ Tear it down ♪

Hey, hey, hey, Iguanas, wait.
Don't quit.

You were all so excited
about playing kickball.

That was before we knew we sucked.

I can't believe our parents
lied to us for so long.

No, you don't suck.

Guys, I'm sorry.

This isn't about you.
Now, I know looking at me,

you think I have it all together,

but I've got some deep issues.

I'm a real mess on the inside.

Obviously.

Anyway.

Yes, I said that you were terrible

and you were,
but you're not terrible anymore.

Quinn, you might have
the reflexes of a toddler,

but you kick like a meth head

getting hauled into a squad car.

Nathan, when you started,

you were tripping over your own loafers,

but now you run like you've got
a Roman candle in your cr*ck.

And Deidre, you catch more balls
out in that field

than Taylor Swift
at a Hampton's barbecue.

You know what? Forget that.

Uh, you just...
you catch really, really well.

I think you guys can really win this.

So what do you say?

[dramatic music]

Let's b*at these guys!

[all cheer]

- Iguanas!
- all: [cheering] Iguanas!

Toby. Toby, hold up.

Don't look at me.

Hey, I got something I want you to see

- in the security office.
- You don't need me.

You're the real deal, Frank.

Trust me.

You're gonna wanna see this.

[grunts]

Okay. What is it?

Okay.

And here we go.

What?

Oh... [laughs softly]

- Mm, mm.
- Oh, dear.

- [chuckles]
- Okay, we're done.

Now...

I think we should erase these files

to make room on the hard drive.

[soft music]

I appreciate that.

Oh, and also...

uh, I think maybe we should
continue monitoring things.

Just to be on the safe side.

I think that's a good idea.

Maybe order some Chang's.

I'd be down for that.

♪ ♪

[percussive music]

♪ ♪

Present colors.

[quietly] Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

We don't have time for this crap.

- Let's play ball!
- [all cheer]

Yes, come one, Iguanas!

- Iguanas!
- all: Iguanas! Iguanas!

One thing I forgot to tell you,

nobody respects what we do.

- [whistle blows]
- Play ball!

[all cheering]

"The Nutcracker Suite" by Tchaikovsky

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- [air horn blows]
- They never even broke a sweat.

I think the tall girl has
an Adam's apple.

Those uniforms were clearly tailored.

I wish we taught at a rich school.

[melancholy music]

Whoo!

♪ ♪

I owe you guys an apology.

I bought into that whole
"anything is possible" crap,

but it's not.

However, there is a silver-lining.

Knowing what you're not good at
will push you

towards the things
you're going to be great at.

Like memorizing facts about tortoises?

For now,

but maybe one day HTML coding

or Quest Fantasy literature writing

or improv comedy. You'll see.

In ten years,
we'll all be laughing about this

- at Comic-Con.
- Hey, hon, you ready?

Take it easy, Quinn.

- We got creamed, Mom.
- That's okay.

You're still full of spunk.

Mom, you have to stop saying that.

[rock music]

[rock music] - ♪ Tear it down ♪

- [both laugh]
- Whoa!

Wow. Roller skates.

- She's good.
- I...

- [laughs]
- Spider-woman.

[laughs]

[laughs]

- Spanks for the memories.
- [laughs]

Well, they get hot.

[lilting music] _